During school (and not only), teenagers often neglect their studies, categorically do not want to wake up in the morning, make a mess out of nowhere and are late for classes. Parents are upset by entries in the diary - complaints from teachers about inappropriate behavior. Add to this the likely delays in disciplines, fights during breaks, and returning home at night later than usual. You won't be able to correct a teenager by shouting or making threats. Every psychologist will confirm this. How to return a son or daughter who literally a year ago aroused the envy of the parents of other children? You will learn about this below.

1. The child is not your enemy or a bully.

First of all, it is worth understanding one simple truth - the child does not deliberately mock his parents, does not want to do school lessons, puts us in an uncomfortable position in front of the class teacher, teachers, principal and parents. Everything has to do with our reactions to what is happening around us. Events themselves are neutral; we ourselves give an emotional coloring to what happens.

It's okay to not learn a lesson and get a bad grade. According to age, fight with boys, break a window, wear a tracksuit, not a school uniform... This is how socialization takes place, the child fits into society, tries the boundaries of what is permitted, evades responsibility for his actions, gets into trouble and learns from his own mistakes. Let's let kids grow up while they're in school. A thirty-year-old overage who is not adapted to life is both a funny and pathetic sight, isn’t it?

2. Be on your teen's side.

Do not enter into a “coalition” with teachers against your own child; always be on the side of your son or daughter. Talk to the teenager, show that you are “for him”, try to discuss the current situation together and outline a way out.

Remember, you probably had at least a couple of episodes at school when teachers were wrong, they pressed, demanded, and gave bad grades. If a student finds himself in such a whirlwind, then he needs the support of his parents, and not their rejection. If a teenager is left without support, then he feels abandoned, depressed, and bad behavior and unlearned subjects - all this only gets worse. Accusations from family members further humiliate the child. A parent can always come to the rescue, listen, and understand. This does not mean at all that one should let studies take their course or be tolerant of outrageous behavior, but the child must firmly know that his home is both his rear and his fortress, and his mother and father are friends, not “executioners.”

3. Think about your child's physical condition.

At school age, rapid growth occurs, the body of a teenager changes rapidly, problems with the endocrine system, heart, joints, musculoskeletal system, vision, and digestive system may arise. Be sure to pass all the tests, take the student to a therapist and take referrals to specialized specialists. After all, problems such as fatigue, constant tiredness, excitability, bad mood, headaches, drowsiness can be solved with the help of doctors, a healthy diet and a proper daily routine. If necessary, you can take the teenager to a neurologist, adolescent psychologist or psychotherapist. There is no need to be afraid or embarrassed by doctors; we live in a modern society where turning to various specialists is the norm.

4. Try to have a heart-to-heart talk with your child.

There can be dozens of reasons for reluctance to study and bad behavior at school: problems with classmates, an unbearable environment at school, unhappy love, some tragedy that happened to the child and which the student is silent about. Reluctance to go to school may be due to reasons that parents may not even be aware of: rejection of their appearance, lack of friends, shame in front of their “poverty”, worn out unfashionable clothes, lack of modern gadgets. Try to support your son or daughter, hug, console, talk about the feelings that the child is experiencing. The words of a loved one sometimes mean much more than a new smartphone or the ideal appearance that a fourteen-year-old schoolboy strives for.

Is everything safe in your home? Is there something that negatively affects a teenager? Does the child feel safe at home? Are there tyrants, dependent people, hyper-controlling relatives living in the same area as the schoolchild who can literally destroy the child’s life? Can a teenager at home relax, rest, be himself and tell the truth? If something raises your doubts, then try to work through the situation in this direction.

6. Outline a plan to overcome the crisis.

Try to sketch out a rough daily routine for your child and adjust your plans to fit his day, without compromising your interests, of course. Think over various little things, nutrition, sports, time allotted for clubs, sections and preparing homework. Perhaps some things will have to be removed, and others (for example, tutors) will have to be added. Consult with the student, make it clear that his opinion is very important, that you value him as an adult and responsible person.

7. Think about what you can get rid of at home, and what, on the contrary, you can buy.

It is unlikely that a schoolchild should have the TV and computer on 24/7; a child should not constantly have access to the Internet. Watching TV and the computer should only become incentives for completing homework and obligations, and not a simple routine that replaces the real world for the child. Make access to various gadgets, computer toys and the Internet rewards for things done on time and lessons learned.

8. Contact your family and friends asking for help.

Talk to the child's father, older brother or sister, uncle or grandmother. Perhaps one of them will voluntarily undertake to study some subjects with the student. The father can easily explain physics or chemistry, and the niece can study English once a week.

9. In difficult cases, you will have to hire tutors.

“Hired teachers” have a very beneficial effect on children. These are professionals, strangers whom the student respects and will not be capricious or argue with them. Classes with professional teachers also provide discipline and instill the skills of independent work on oneself.

10. Introduce a reward system and remove (if possible) punishments.

For good grades, behavior and participation in school life, the child can be bought gifts, taken to parks, cafes, cinema, and allowed to go out with friends.

And the most important thing a parent can do for their child is to simply love him for who he is!

It’s not for nothing that the word “difficult” is attached to teenagers. Indeed, there comes a time when our dear children turn into some other, intractable, touchy and hot-tempered people who contradict us in everything. Sometimes it seems like strangers. It is difficult for them to adapt to their new selves.
Physically, they are almost adults.
They want freedom, but are not yet ready to take responsibility for it.
How to resolve conflicts?
How to get through this difficult time and maintain good relationships?
8 tips from a psychologist at the end of the article.

When parents bring their teenagers to us for KUB trainings, they sometimes complain to psychologists that it has become difficult to come to an agreement with the child, that the child has stopped listening to their opinion, is behaving irresponsibly, and does not want to fulfill their demands. Parents feel frustrated, angry and powerless.

Teenagers often take their parents' help for granted and do not understand that the older they are, the greater their responsibility. They demand freedom, and perceive parental care as violence.

Helping teenagers and parents establish relationships, understand and respect each other’s feelings is an important task KUB trainings .

At the trainings, children can take a fresh look at relationships with their parents. Teenagers work through their real conflicts in skits. The children learn to communicate and negotiate, and cope with negative emotions. They become more balanced and more confident in their abilities. As a result, family relationships become warmer and respect grows.

We, parents, also need to take a fresh look at our relationships with our teenagers and understand the reasons why it has become difficult and what we can do about it.

Biological background

We've gone quite a bit yet
from relatives with furry sides,
many of our feelings - fourfold,
and others even with fins.

Igor Guberman

Let's see how this happens in our closest biological relatives - the great apes. Often such a comparison helps to understand the origins of many human problems. After all, no matter how much we would like to think otherwise, the laws of biology also apply to us. Despite all our rationality, no one has canceled our instincts, although we try to find rational explanations for our actions.

When the cubs of other primates (and humans are primates) reach puberty, they begin an independent life, for which they are already quite ready.

Humans, unlike other primates, build permanent families of one man and one woman. And when their child turns into a teenager (and in fact, into a sexually mature person), conflicts often arise between him and his parents. After all, our instincts tell us that there should not be two adults of the same sex in the same family.

Instinctively, unconsciously, competition arises between a parent and a child of the same sex, and conflicts with a competitor are inevitable. Sexual attraction develops between a child and a parent of the opposite sex. And since it is forbidden and unconscious, a defense mechanism in the form of conflict behavior begins to work, just as unconsciously.

In addition, regardless of gender, we simply find another adult on our territory. And this person behaves on our legal territory not as a guest, but as a host, he demands a separate room, and even asks not to enter without knocking. His instinct demands his territory, and ours indignantly rushes to protect us from encroachments on our territory.

You may find it hard to believe what you just read. You most likely have not noticed this in your life. But keep in mind that we have all learned to behave decently and rationally explain our own actions to ourselves. And unconscious passions boil, sometimes breaking out and causing a greater storm, the less we are aware of our instinctive motives. Therefore, it is better to take into account and control our biological nature than to give it complete control out of ignorance.

Social preconditions

Previously, the issue of separating a teenager from the parental family was resolved quite easily. After all, just recently a person in adolescence was already considered quite an adult. He could work, fight and start a family.
In Russia, only 300 years ago (an insignificant time by biological standards), in 1714, the Synod established the marriageable age for women at 13 years, for men - 15 years. Do you remember how old Romeo and Juliet were?

And now there are many countries, in particular Islamic ones, where, according to our standards, children can get married. For example, in Iran, the marriageable age for women is now 9 years, and for men - 15 years.

However, in most secular states this is not the case.
In Russia, we treat a 15-year-old person like a child. Indeed, from a social point of view, our teenager, despite his mustache or chest, is still a child in the sense that he has very little life experience to live independently and be considered an adult.
It’s good if by twenty-five the children finish their studies and can support themselves and their family.

So it turns out that everything biological both in him and in us says that this is an adult, sexually mature person, and at the same time, we understand perfectly well that this is still a child not ready for independent life.

Who's to blame?

When conflicts and tension arise in relationships with a teenager, many parents tend to blame themselves or the child. Of course, everyone is not perfect, and probably could have done something better.
At the same time, we must remember that a teenager is going through a necessary stage of growing up. This is a difficult time for both him and his parents. But it will inevitably pass. And you will be able to establish friendships on a new, adult level.

An analogy can be drawn with teething. This stage of growing up is also often painful for the child, who is not feeling well, and for the parents, whom he torments with his whining and whims. Yes, and erupted teeth injure the breasts of a nursing mother.
But no parent wants their child to have no teeth! Parents understand that they need to alleviate the child’s suffering as much as possible, be patient and wait. Everything will pass on its own.

What to do?

Waiting for “everything to go away on its own” with a teenager is not at all so easy. And the period is much longer. And the reasons are not at all as obvious as with teeth.

What to do?

1. Support your own positive self-esteem as a parent. What happens is not your fault. It's just a law of nature.
2. Respect the teenager's needs psychologically separate from you. He needs this to grow into a full-fledged adult.
3. Giving to a teenager more freedom, otherwise he will still try to take her by force. By giving this freedom yourself, you will maintain a friendlier and more respectful relationship.
4. Gradually give the teenager control over ever larger areas of his life. He needs to learn from his own experiences and mistakes. Ultimately, it will be optimal if you can intervene in his life only when you suspect a threat to his life and health.
5. Protect your own psychological boundaries- don’t let him sit on your neck. Since a child has his own territory, you also have the right to yours.
6. During adolescence, the main reference group (the one whose opinion is important to him) is not his parents, but other teenagers and other adults, from whom the teenager has no reason to separate. Therefore it will be much more useful if you provide your teenager with a good environment, in which he can easily learn useful skills rather than act directly yourself. It is not for nothing that it is said about the prophet in his homeland.
7. Can be of great help participation of a teenager in a training group, where he is among his peers and learns in a playful way under the guidance of experienced psychologists. There the child can learn the necessary skills and resolve many psychological problems.
8. And finally, remember that the difficult age will pass, and your good relationship will improve. You just need to be patient and help the teenager get through this period.

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Adolescence is a difficult time not only for parents, but also for the children themselves. At this time, parents often realize that the rules by which they communicated with their children no longer apply; at this time, parenting errors often emerge - they understand that something needs to be changed.

We are in website We decided to find out what so often prevents us, parents, from building strong, warm relationships with teenagers and not losing their trust.

13. Insist on honesty

Many parents find it difficult to accept that an older child does not allow them into all areas of his life. Often they begin to demand more frankness from the child. But it is extremely important for a teenager to feel independent and rely on his own opinion. The more he feels pressure on himself, resentment from his relatives, the more he begins to close himself off and protect his personal space: he moves away from frankness and begins to deceive.

12. Violating personal space

Sometimes, with the best intentions, parents begin to check the teenager’s pockets, bag, and correspondence. By doing this, we not only show disrespect to the child, but also devalue his personal space, and he is just beginning to try to handle it.

This greatly undermines his trust in both his parents and himself. It is worth making the effort to ensure that control is the result of an open and honest agreement between you and your child.

11. Ignore your teenager's opinion

When parents are not interested in the child’s opinion and do not take it into account, he feels that it is not important for his parents, and concludes that he is not loved or respected.

This behavior can provoke aggression in a child. The second option is also possible: the child will give in in response to your persistence and one day may simply lose the ability to make decisions on their own.

10. You make vague demands

Of course, at the level of common sense, the child will understand you, but It can be very difficult for him to implement the requirement, since the criteria are quite vague.

Over time, this can lead to a big difference of opinion between you: the child will believe that he already fully meets the requirements, and you will believe that there is always something to strive for. To avoid this, you should be clear about what you want and learn how to tell your children exactly what you want.

9. You invalidate his feelings.

Parents often feel that their children overdramatize events. But if a child does not regularly receive support from loved ones, he feels rejected and closes down even more. Or begins to protest against parents and behave aggressively.

Try to take seriously everything that happens to your child, respect his feelings, value his trust. Let him know that he is understood and accepted, that his feelings are important to you.

8. Not always consistent

Sometimes, in order for the child to comply with the requirements, parents resort to promises or threats that cannot be fulfilled in advance. But when the desired goal is achieved, they forget about their words or are simply in no hurry to fulfill them.

But it’s worth remembering: teenagers are very scrupulous about keeping the promises of adults. If loved ones say empty words over and over again, the child will stop believing them. So parents will lose authority in the eyes of the teenager.

7. Teach him too much about life.

You should not turn your parental authority into dictatorship. Otherwise, this can simply lead to either severe rebuff and aggression on the part of the child, or you simply risk breaking his integrity and self-esteem.

Parents of teenagers should strive for reasonable compromises. Make decisions together with the child, make concessions that will allow him to save his face. It is worth learning to see in a child, first of all, an individual who needs to be respected.

6. Live his life

When the entire life of parents is built only around the child, dissolved in him - this is already a clear overkill. Children, adopting the attitude of their parents towards themselves, can begin to treat them with the same obvious disdain.

Parents should devote time to their own interests and find time to relax. Without this, it is extremely difficult to build the right relationship with a child, and it is difficult for him to be proud of his parents and appreciate them.

5. Not interested in his life

Without knowing how a child lives and what interests him, it is impossible to build a trusting relationship with him, which is so important in adolescence.

If you try to find out more about what is happening in the child’s life, about his hobbies and show your awareness, then you will earn his favor and you will have something to talk about.

4. Constantly criticize

Parents often believe that praise should only be given for excellent grades. However Teenagers need approval in everything they do. This gives the child strength to move on and helps him cope with failures more easily.

However, no one can cancel healthy criticism. But you should always restrain your emotions and remember what your goal is: to punish the child? Express your attitude to the action? Help him realize he was wrong? Or solve the problem together with him?

3. Don't know their friends closely

It would be a good idea for parents to get to know their children’s closest social circle. To do this, it is often enough to simply invite them to visit you for a cup of tea and pie.

This will not only strengthen your relationship, but will also help you to be calm about your own child. If you are very concerned about one of your teen's friends, you can discuss this with them in a sensitive manner. Relying on your opinion, he himself will draw a conclusion about his comrade.

1. Spend little time together

It is only at first glance that it seems that teenagers are already big and do not need parental attention and affection. Even if you have very little time, let quality replace quantity. On weekdays, it’s enough to spend half an hour or an hour together, but without being distracted by your own affairs, weekends can be devoted to going on a hike together, watching a movie or playing games.

If the life together of parents and a teenager is reduced to only formal communication, he may begin to feel unnecessary, unprotected, feel hopeless, and have weak self-esteem.

1. Maintain your own positive self-esteem as a parent. The teenage crisis is not a consequence of your mistakes and imperfections. It is important for you to maintain confidence in yourself as a parent no matter what.
2. Respect the teenager's right to independence. The child needs to psychologically separate from his parents, otherwise he will not be able to grow up to be a full-fledged adult. Personal boundaries are fundamentally important at this age. It is not recommended to violate them. Already absolutely as a last resort. School failures are not an extreme case. We're talking about much worse things.
3. Give your teenager more freedom. It is useless to tighten the screws, push and prohibit. This will only cause the difficult teenager to forcefully achieve more freedom than he actually needs.
4. In addition, it is fundamentally important to maintain contact with the teenager. The most important thing we can do at this stage is to maintain a favorable atmosphere at home, provide psychological support, helping the child understand himself and adapt to the changes that occur during adolescence. This in no way means connivance or indifference. This means benevolence, respect for the teenager’s personality and his opinion, recognition of his right to his own life, different from yours.
5. Gradually give the teenager control over more and more areas of his life. He must learn from his own experience and mistakes. Studying should increasingly become the teenager’s area of ​​personal responsibility. Of course, you are nearby and ready to help. But only at the request of the child himself.
6. Define and strictly observe the boundaries of what is acceptable. And follow them yourself! If you require your child to use a respectful tone in conversation, it would be useful to adhere to it yourself.
7. Strictly monitor compliance with your own psychological boundaries. Parents, in addition to responsibilities, also have rights. Including your life.
8. Remember that for a teenager, the most significant people are other teenagers and other adults, from whom the teenager has no reason to separate. Therefore, it is very important to provide the child with a good environment.
9. In difficult cases, specialists will help the teenager (and you!). But don't place too much hope on them. They will help, but will not solve all your problems for you. Where should parents of a difficult teenager go - to a crisis center (for example, on Chapygina, 13 in St. Petersburg), to a school psychologist, to various commercial centers specializing in helping teenagers.
10. And most importantly, remember: the difficult age will pass sooner or later, the child will become smarter and calmer. And he will be very grateful to you if, despite his sometimes unbearable behavior, you maintain a respectful and warm relationship with him.

These troubled teenagers. How to survive the “transitional” age

These troubled teenagers

Today I would like to talk about the teenage (transitional, pubertal) age of a child, which is accompanied by serious and not very serious difficulties in the family.

Parents come to me with different requests:

- “I’m doing something wrong, so I can’t find a common language with the child”;

- “This monster has already tormented everyone, do at least something with him!”;

- “He doesn’t want to do anything, no goals, no interests. How to motivate?

And some don’t apply at all for several reasons:

• The period is relatively calm. Parents are understanding about their child’s experiences.
• Parents don’t really care about this, they don’t have time, they consider all his experiences to be nonsense. And they leave the child alone with their fears and problems that they do not want to see or notice.

There are three types of parental behavior:

1. Anxious, overprotective.
2. Trusting, supportive.
3. Detached, uncomprehending.

The first and third types are similar to each other in that accompanied by emotional detachment. The first type is very worried, and cannot, and does not even want to hear the true experiences of the child, then the third type, it is generally unclear what feelings they are experiencing.

What happens to the child?

• At the physiological level the body begins to change. And if yesterday it was a cute yellow duckling, now it has turned into an “ugly” duckling. And he doesn’t know whether he will become a beautiful swan or not with this new “vegetation” on his body, acne, and increased sweating. Hormonal changes increase his fears and worries.
• In addition to fears associated with appearance, there is desire for independence, independence from parental figures and at the same time strong need for support, acceptance And approval. The teenager is looking for standards that will be a guide, a model for a new life. The child actively begins to imitate. If there are difficulties in relations with parents, if parents do not have sufficient authority, when parents themselves doubt the correctness of their lives, their actions, then what happens is searching for this standard outside the family. For example, among other, more authoritative peers or “stars” (this is how fanaticism is born). Through searching for answers to questions "Who am I?", “what am I?” And through imitation of significant others one’s own identity is formed.

What determines the peculiarity of this period?

From the following factors:

• characteristics of the child himself, physiology, nervous system;
• the atmosphere in the family in which he is located;
• relationship between child and parents. And it must be constant, consistent, understandable.

1. Adaptive- represents “adjusting” the child to the expectations of adults. Such children are usually obedient and well-mannered, which suits parents and others, but there are negative consequences of their behavior.
2. Protest- represents a situation when a child is asked to do something, but he does the opposite. Moreover, parents can order, command, etc., but the baby categorically refuses to do this.
3. Free choice— the main goal of education should be the desire to teach the child to make free choices. In other words, he must know what to do in a given situation and be able to take responsibility for his choice.

Let's look at several combinations between certain types of behavior of the child and parents:

1. Child with free choice + parent who understands= the best result when, even if there are difficulties of adolescence, they pass relatively easily.
2. Free-choice child + detached parent= such a combination is unlikely to form. And even if it is formed, the child will most likely be broken and depressed over time, not feeling acceptance of himself or his significance for his parents.
3. Protest child + understanding parents= will lead to difficulties being overcome, no matter how difficult it is for parents during this period. And upon completion, the child will only be grateful that he was accepted and understood. The relationship between the child and parents can become closer.
4. Protest child + anxious parents= protest will consist in the desire to prove one’s maturity and independence. But the child will still feel that his parents do not accept him as he is and do not want him to grow up. And he will continue to rebel, but at the same time worry about his worthlessness.
5. Protest child + distant parents= similar to the previous type. But if in the previous type there is a very strong physical involvement with emotional distance. This type is most often characterized by both emotional and physical detachment. This is a risk group that shapes the child’s criminal future.
6. Adaptive child + understanding parents= will try to instill independence in the child. But some unconscious processes can interfere with this. As a result, the child can become more independent.
7. Adaptive child + distant parents= the child will constantly seek recognition and support from other people, seek authority. This is fraught with a strong dependence on the opinions of other people, without a filter of criticism. All his life he will seek love, recognition and understanding from other people.
8. Adaptive child + anxious parents= “I’m nothing of myself, without my parents I’m nothing, my parents know what’s best.” The consequences are very strong dependence on parents.

And these seemingly child problems are just a symptom of a family that:

• Filling the lives of parents with meaning.
• They help establish power in the family and establish justice.
• They help alleviate parental loneliness.
• They protect the family from disintegration, etc.

The child reflects the state of the parents and their relationship. Since adolescence often coincides with the crisis of middle age, the middle of parents’ lives, when there is a reassessment of values, summing up life, and the search for new meanings, this is accompanied by increased anxiety. The child's problems help relieve parents' anxiety about their lives and avoid solving their own problems.

The double messages that parents send to their child when they say one thing and demonstrate another through their behavior can also be harmful. For example, a mother is actively involved in her career; the most important thing for her is success. At the same time, she tells her daughter that it is very important for a woman to learn how to cook and run a household. This is where the dichotomy arises. The child’s situation will worsen if the father also sends double messages. And then, most often, the child chooses a position of passivity. It’s better to do nothing than to lose the love of your parents.

What should parents do?

• Recognize the significance for the child of his problems and experiences, his thoughts, ideas, and the things he does;
• Show tolerance for his indifference or rebellion. The best thing you can say to your child during this period "I still love you";
• Learn to talk to your child about feelings. And not only talk, but also listen and hear him. And for this, learn to feel yourself. Their differentiation and expression.
• Remember that hormones have an effect on the child. And many reactions are enhanced by their exposure;
• Form a common opinion with your spouse about the upbringing and expectations of the child. If you encounter strong contradictions in these matters, then this will be the key to unraveling the child’s “bad” behavior.
• And then it is necessary to resolve the conflict, often unconscious, that has arisen between parents and revive the relationship.
• Strive for integrity and harmony when your own words do not diverge from your deeds.

And remember: