Many men, no matter how much they are dissuaded by more experienced relatives and friends, still try to build their relationships with women who are not suitable for family relationships - divorced women with children.
In most cases, such relationships end in logical separation. And there are many reasons for this.
Someone will say that there are examples of similar long term relationship, but as a rule they are all exceptions to the disappointing rules.
Let's look at the reasons for the transformation of an ordinary young girl into a woman with a child unsuitable for creating any kind of family relationship. The whole point lies in the very nature of female upbringing.
Before crossing the threshold of the registry office, a young, foolish individual must realize what she actually faces after the divorce from a man, expected by every fiber of her soul. Perhaps she will be left alone, or even with the children, and will already agree to do anything just to somehow feed herself and her children.
This is where the most important thing begins.
Having secured a sweet man for herself and having children for him, the girl immediately gets a divorce in order to sue for everything - from lifelong alimony to shares in Gazprom with a view of the Cote d'Azur. But after the long-awaited divorce, many girls face enchanting disappointment, comparable in its strength to pretentious bewilderment. After a divorce, no one needs a woman with baggage, especially her ex-husband. Why does a normal guy need an ex-girlfriend? Why does a man need a woman with luggage?
Men are creatures, scoundrels, scoundrels and terrible owners, for whom one of the most important criteria in life is the notorious rule - “my wife is my property, not someone else’s, period,” and children are not always an exception to this.
Alas, in our modern world, mired in lack of culture and economic confusion, where lost in the distant Soviet years the institution of marriage and family is final and irrevocable, marriage is just part of a divorce, and the birth of a child is a bargaining chip - such a strange phenomenon as marrying a woman with a child happens. And this is where many underground schools arise, which psychologists around the world do not even know how to characterize, except for one word - horror.
Alas, we must admit that by entering into such a relationship, a man does not create his own family, but only joins, in birdlike rights, terrible for male psychological perception, to an already existing single-parent family, the family of a woman with a child and an ex-husband, who logically has at least some then, but still communication with your children, even if by law they no longer live in a single happy society, capable, in a favorable situation, of raising MENTALLY COMPLETE members of society.
Of course, children in the marriage of divorced parents automatically become inferior, and unfortunately, the trauma of such a marriage affects the child’s future life in a negative way, like the mark of an inferior family for the rest of his life.
And when a stranger ties himself to a woman who has children from previous marriage- a lot of problems are created.
Someone else's child is a time bomb that, sooner or later, will explode, and then it will become bad, and for everyone at once. The reason for all this is a pedagogical impasse, which consists in the fact that it is simply unrealistic to apply the advanced method of raising children in the family when the child feels and knows that close person his mother is not his natural father.
In addition, in relation to her dear child, a woman will not allow any criticism, especially punishment or educational actions on the part of her new spouse, and for a child - a stepfather, even if other methods of influence on a spoiled lazy child simply do not work.
It is not difficult to imagine what kind of psychological trauma a child experiences in such a union - when his beloved only mother lives with a stranger whom he must love and respect while the child has a real beloved and natural father, who does not live with them for reasons unknown to the child.
In especially advanced cases, even a verbal instruction to a child is perceived by a woman as an attempt to physically and psychological pressure for the woman’s only natural child.
In turn, the biological father, no matter how bad this expression may sound, will be clearly against such execution of his own child by the next lover of his ex-wife, who brought into the house a stranger and a stranger to their joint child. In such a relationship with a divorced woman with a child, the biological father will periodically emerge in the role of an extremely positive character - a Sunday dad, against the background of which the negligent and hateful would-be teacher will look like a monster, tormentor and tyrant to the child.
In a scenario where a man who has created a relationship with a divorced woman with a child will tactically distance himself from educational functions someone else's child, not his own, so as not to run into inappropriate criticism from a divorced woman and even the biological father of the child - he automatically becomes a careless man who does not love a woman and children, even if the children are not his own.
It turns out to be a catastrophic vicious circle, from which there is simply no way out for a man who has created a relationship with a divorced woman with a child...
Nothing is more frightening than the unknown and uncertainty. So you had that same feeling of fear - you were left alone after a divorce, with a child in your arms, and maybe more than one. How to live further is beyond your imagination.
Believe me, not everything is so terrible - many women went through this period, and most of them remember it with indifference.
Fear No. 1. Finance
The first thing that comes to mind is filing an application to court for alimony. This is normal and in most cases very correct: 25% for one child or 33% for two children does not hurt.
But only in such cases:
The father earns well and does not evade child support.
He pays honestly, according to his salary, and not pennies from black earnings.
He loves his children and understands perfectly how important it is to pay them.
But if dad is an extremely irresponsible guy, he abandoned his children and is hiding from child support, then you can really ruin his life: raise awareness among the public, catch the scoundrel and throw him in prison (or at least threaten him with “bars”). Most likely he will be afraid of places that are not so remote and will start throwing thousands a month.
But here’s the catch: the article has a chapter about such irresponsible dads. Receiving crumbs from him for the children, the children themselves in the future risk becoming lifelong alimony holders for him if dad, in his decrepit old age, begins to take revenge on them for the same 18 years. Therefore, such things must be treated with caution while our legislation is so imperfect.
But the wise and strong women act differently if they are truly in dire straits:
They hide their pride for a while and turn for help to everyone from whom they can get it and who offers it themselves: relatives, acquaintances, neighbors and even their unloved mother-in-law - this is a grandmother, after all, let him help.
They begin to live within their means, relying only on their budget: what children need first of all, especially food. She doesn't have money for new boots? Nonsense, you can wear old ones, or your sister will give you her own used ones.
They are intensively looking for work, whatever it may be, during this difficult period. It’s clear that coins don’t fall from the sky. Yes, the same help from relatives may not be financial, but at least for the services of a nanny, if the woman has found a job.
It's always hard at the very beginning. A woman becomes depressed, especially after just going through a divorce, what kind of work is there? But don’t expect surprises from the same state with its bad laws that will come social services and they will take your hungry children away from you without trial or investigation? You need to act, cope with yourself.
Fear No. 2. Peace of mind
Even if you and your husband managed to create the appearance of a good relationship for your children, as described in the article, you yourself are probably all humpty-dumpty in your soul.
The wounds are still fresh, and there is a weight on your heart from the thought that you are left alone with a small child or even two children, and this guy has the audacity to be free. Well, you’ll have to mope for a while - you need to sob the remaining tears into your pillow.
A little later you need to change something in your life:
Move furniture. Psychologists consider this a different method from depression: rearrangement creates the illusion of a completely different home, not associated with the past time.
Take up your favorite hobby. Sometimes women complain about being extremely busy, when there is also a husband at home who does not help. Well, maybe it's time?
Go with your friends to have fun. This is what grandmothers and nannies are needed for, who will most likely offer to babysit their grandchildren. It’s not all right for daddy to go for a walk.
By the way, yes! Father! If he is adequate and loves his children, then there is no need to write him off. He simply must share with ex-wife free time and raising children! Communication with adults is necessary for the woman herself. Sometimes she becomes so fixated on children, who are not at all advisors to her, that she herself slides down to the level of a child.
If your husband abandoned you (but did not abandon your children), then you need to prove even to him that you are also “not a bad person”: you are in demand among people, interesting to men and also have the right to your personal life.
By the way, many women are mistaken that a divorce stamp in their passport is the final point of their relationship with their husband. Read it, and you will understand that it is not the seal that decides the future relationship between spouses, and that sometimes, while remaining formally married, a woman may be doomed to loneliness.
Fear No. 3. Relationships with children
Divorce makes its own adjustments to family relationships, when the man is no longer at home as the head of the family. A woman is afraid of many things:
How will children behave without a father - will they obey her just as unquestioningly?
Will such changes in life (for example, feelings of guilt) affect their psyche?
Is it possible to bring a man into the house and have a chance of finding another husband?
Well, first things first.
Children's obedience
Everything will be much simpler if before this you were the main one in the family, responsible for everything: everyday life, holidays, finances, distribution of responsibilities. Nothing will change for the children - the same matriarchy, the same instructions.
It’s worse if the children’s behavior, after their father left, got out of control. There is no father's deep roar and stern look, and mother is a weak-willed quiet one. This is not a disaster if the spouses are still friendly, and even over the phone a father’s sternness is conveyed with a warning.
It would be useful for some authoritative relative to influence the children: a grandfather or an uncle. In the end, children will understand that it is easier to be silky from their mother’s softness than from a menacing male order. Yes, and mom herself will learn to search in the future. the right approach to them.
How to stabilize a child's psyche
In the event of a scandalous divorce from her husband and improper behavior by adults, the child may fall into serious depression. The article contains a lot of practical advice on how a mother should behave during this time.
It is clear that when a child is born, and he is still a baby, he will easily survive everything. But a preschooler, and even more so a teenager, will not be able to quickly recover from stress if a war raged instead of a peaceful divorce.
But it is precisely at this time, when the parents divorced and the passions have subsided, that the mother must pull herself together and become the best in all areas:
She is a wise advisor. She, as an experienced psychologist, will try to delicately resolve everything that is going on in the child’s soul, be it a failure in school or the first crush on a girl at her desk. Just no commanding tone during children's revelations!
It's always fun to be with her. You don’t have to blame everything on the high cost of toys and the inability to visit an amusement park. Money doesn't solve everything. You can play good old “dodgeball” on the street, and come up with a joint performance for guests for the holiday.
There's nothing to worry about with mom. She will not sit in a hopeless position if something happens, even if dad is not around. She is inventive, sociable and will always find a way out of any problem - she will call someone, negotiate with someone.
Adults sometimes tend to let everything take its course: the child does not make noise, sits quietly on the computer and okay, that means everything is fine with him. But who knows what he's doing there? Is he trying to make friends with the Blue Whale on the Internet? Yes, you have to keep your eyes open.
New man in the house
You shouldn’t instantly replace dad with a stepfather if the children are still suffering without their father’s absence. They need time so as not to feel like forced traitors to daddy.
When dating another man, the woman herself needs to take a closer look at her boyfriend - will he really replace the head of the family if you have your own children? Why quickly drag him into the house, make mistakes, kick him out and blush in front of his kids?
If your own father does not make himself known in any way, and you have come up with a legend for your child about his endless business trip, then a strange man should be allowed into the house “in doses” - as a good and caring person in the family. Most likely, the child himself will reach out to him when he realizes that there is nothing left to expect from his father.
It is important to understand the psychology of a new man entering your home so as not to demand more from him than he can give. You can read about this in the article.
“Who needs a divorced woman with a child?” ─ this thought comes to the mind of almost every woman who is thinking about divorce. Psychologists tell us how to start building new relationships not from the position of a victim.
Low self-esteem, self-doubt and fear of loneliness - all these feelings a woman experiences after a divorce. In a state of despair, it is very easy to rush into a new relationship. But they most likely will not bring happiness, because the victim most often attracts a classic tyrant.
Olga divorced her husband when her daughter was three years old. A few months later she met Andrei and married him. Olga unconsciously felt a huge sense of gratitude for the fact that Andrei “accepted” her: divorced and, moreover, with a child. She tried to be an ideal wife, and pleased her husband in everything, often stepping on her own throat, fulfilling his wishes. But for some reason the relationship became worse and worse...
Andrei was increasingly dissatisfied with his wife and criticized her for every little thing. The family lived according to his strict rules, like on a powder keg. Olga, as best she could, maintained imaginary well-being and put a smile on her face. But this could not last long. On his next day off, Andrey got ready to go fishing. For the first time, Olga asked her husband to give up fishing and go with her to her daughter’s dance performance. This resulted in a huge scandal: Andrei angrily insulted his wife, repeating how worthless she was in all respects.
Life story
Here is a typical example of a union in which a woman and a child take the position of a victim. In this state, she will definitely attract a tyrant man to her. This role of a companion suits him, so he will carefully control that his wife never gets out of her sacrificial role. Needless to say, such a relationship will not bring happiness. How to start all over again?
Here are instructions that will help a woman with a child survive a divorce as painlessly as possible and set herself up for a new relationship.
Stop beating yourself up
Let getting out of a painful union be the first step on the path of your self-love. There is no need to blame yourself for not being able to save your family, just as you don’t have to feel bad that you even married this person. Take it as a valuable experience ─ painful, but an experience. You've found out what kind of relationship you definitely don't want, and now you can build things differently.
Explain everything honestly to your child.
Believe me, for children there is nothing worse than imaginary well-being and lies. It happens that parents only pretend that everything is fine in front of the child. They carefully hide their experiences, but children perfectly sense falsehood. If a child sees that his mother is suffering, he may think that he is the reason. Growing up in an atmosphere of mistrust is real torture for children.
This will affect life in the future. Such children usually have low self-esteem, they feel uncomfortable with other people, and have difficulty building their own relationships. Tell your child sincerely about your feelings and events in the family. Explain what you are feeling now and why. Reassure him that both parents love him no matter what.
Love yourself
It may sound cliché, but the first thing you need to do after a divorce is start an affair with yourself. Until you love yourself, a healthy relationship is out of the question. Start listening to your desires that you have suppressed for so long. At first it will be difficult, then it will be easier. Think about what bothers you and what you would like to change in life. Listen and pamper yourself, praise your positive qualities and develop them. When your confidence and self-esteem increase, others will also see your strengths.
The scheme is simple: when you treat yourself with love, a person appears in your life who has the same sincere feelings for you.
A child is not an obstacle to a relationship
It is the child who will help you take a sober look at what kind of person you have met along the way. You can learn a lot about a man's relationship with his child. If he is adamant about the fact that you already have children, this characterizes him as immature, infantile person. Most likely, he sees the future as ideal, and this means that in any unexpected situation, he will fall into despair and break down. Do you need such a person? Think about how comfortable it will be for you to live with an unreliable man and whether you are ready for his re-education (if it is even possible).
Different situations happen in life. People get married, people get divorced. Moreover, according to statistics, almost every second married couple gets divorced. The reasons for this are very varied, but the most popular is “they didn’t get along.” Of course, all people are different, everyone has their own principles and concepts. This is clear to everyone. But we must not forget that due to the divorce of unsuitable parents, it is the children who suffer first of all.
Today, no one is surprised by the situation when women are left alone with children. According to data for 2017, 5 million out of 17 million. Russian families accounts for single mothers with children. And today Reconomica introduces you to one such mother, her name is Nadezhda, and she is the mother of two children. Nadezhda shared her life story with the magazine’s editors. In an interview, the woman told how she managed to start living a new life after a divorce, how she earned money to feed her children, and how she lives now.
Hello, my name is Nadezhda. I want to tell you my story of living alone with two children, or my life after divorce.So, I am 28 years old, I live in the city of Krasnodar, I have 2 beautiful children. My children: my son is 8 years old, and my daughter is 3 years old.
My husband left and left me with two children
2.5 years ago an unpleasant incident happened to me, my husband left me... He said that he had not had enough and wanted freedom in life, that he did not need family troubles and problems.
He just has a lot of friends who are free, who are not burdened family life who do whatever they want and no one can tell them anything. So my husband wanted just such a life for himself. Although I never forbade him anything, he went wherever he wanted and came whenever he wanted.
After these words, we had a very strong fight, and I told him a lot of unnecessary words that I had accumulated over all 6 years living together. I was very upset that he did this, because he wanted children more than me when I wanted to work and study further. He didn’t give me this, but began to insist on children every day. After the words I said, he collected all his things and left, and I was left with the children completely alone in the city, in which, besides him, I had no relatives, since my parents live far away, in another city and came come to us not as often as we would like.
My husband left, and I was left with two children.
I didn’t want to move in with my parents, although they insisted on it, and I kept thinking that my husband would come to his senses and come back. But days passed, and he was still not there.
After he left, I called him, wrote to him, tried to bring him back in order to save the family, but he was extremely determined and refused to respond to my persuasion and requests to come back.
I realized that I need to start a new life
Of course, at first it was very difficult both psychologically and financially, since he did not help with money, I did not apply for alimony. And then one fine day I woke up and realized that I had enough of humiliating myself and warming to hopes, I had to start my life with clean slate, where there is no more room for him, but there is only me and my children.
At that time, the eldest son was 5 years old, and the daughter was one year old. I had to live on children’s money in the amount of 6,000 rubles, it’s good that the house was still mine, and I didn’t have to pay rent, I only paid utilities. Of course, you can’t buy much food for this amount, plus diapers child, because prices are high in the city, I survived as best I could...
I started working part-time in an online store
A month later, a friend called me and offered me work from home in an online store. She already worked there and put in a word with her boss about me, since I studied at a technical school to become an economist and completed PC courses, I used a computer well and understood it.
It was possible to work only at night.
The boss set a day for the interview, left the kids with a neighbor for a couple of hours and went to talk about a new job. The work was not difficult, and the training took place just at home for a couple of days. Skype . While I was delving into new job and was getting used to it, my mother arrived and was with the children.
The work consisted of adding products to the site, making a full description of them with all pictures and characteristics. Payment depended on how many products I add to the site per day, and that’s how much I receive. For one product they paid 10 rubles.
Agree, this is not much, so I had to work a lot, and since I have small children, I worked at night, because during the day I was busy with other household chores, plus on top of everything, I had to prepare my son for school, and the little one took me away a lot of time.
I liked the work, I received 3,000 rubles a month. Although not a lot, every penny was still a joy.
Doing handicrafts
In addition to the online store, I started doing handicrafts in my free time, making different compositions from napkins: topiaries, hearts, names. I started posting finished works on the Internet. At first no one bought, and then people started calling me and placing orders.
I also found time for needlework.
On New Year did it with my son various toys, Christmas trees, Christmas wreaths. This is how my business of sorts started.
Of course, it was very difficult to live alone and raise children, but I managed to do it.
Life got better
At the moment I live alone, my son goes to school, my daughter goes to kindergarten. I found myself a job on a permanent basis in my profession. By the way, in the evenings I also work in the same online store, and on weekends I also manage to place orders from napkins!
And now I'm fine!
Now there is enough money to live on, there are regular customers. My son often helps me in fulfilling orders. I wanted to apply for alimony, but ex-husband asked to resolve everything peacefully and now voluntarily pays a certain amount of money every month. I allow him to see the children whenever he wants.
Looking at him, I no longer feel the pain that I had at first after the divorce; everything is already perceived differently. And I know that everything that is done is done only for the better.
Thanks to all this I became strong personality, I'm proud of myself. I'm in heavy life situation She didn’t give up, but moved on for the sake of her children, to provide for them, so that they wouldn’t feel lonely and would be happy even if dad left.
I want to advise you, if, God forbid, you find yourself in the same situation, then, most importantly, do not give up and do not give up, believe in yourself and in your strength. And then you will definitely succeed, just as it happened for me!
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How to survive a divorce if you have children
04.10.2018 5399
In terms of the depth of emotional experiences, divorce is similar to a natural disaster, a collapse of expectations. The most difficult thing during this period is to maintain calm and composure, especially when it comes not only to yourself, but also to children. How to survive a divorce if you have children, and learn to move on with your life? No matter who is at fault or what the catalyst was, the dissolution of a marriage is the result of a choice made by both spouses that must be accepted. The main rule during a plane crash is to first take care of your own safety, only then can you help the child. To regain peace of mind requires enormous expenditure of psychophysical resources. Where do you get the strength to overcome difficulties? We’ll figure out how to survive a divorce with a child in your arms in today’s article.
What does divorce mean for a woman?
According to statistics, more than 60% of married couples break up after the first five years of marriage. Even in modern society, a woman is more vulnerable and has a harder time enduring a breakup, even if she initiated it. This is due to a number of psychological factors:
- girls are family-oriented, creating comfort, preserving the family hearth. Men give preference to work and immerse themselves in it when they break up. Left alone, women blame themselves more for not maintaining the warmth of the relationship;
- It is more difficult for a woman to establish her personal life after a divorce, especially if she is left with a child or two. This does not depend on the ratio of men and women in society, but on the reluctance of the stronger sex to take responsibility for education;
- After a divorce, children often remain with their mother, which means she takes on double responsibility.
Of course, this is not an axiom. The second marriage can become more successful than the previous one, and the new husband can become a loving father. It all depends on the perception of the situation, the ability to withstand and move on. According to some psychologists, in order to survive a divorce with a small child, a woman goes through several stages. In terms of the depth of the experience, they are similar to the death of a loved one.
It is impossible to survive a divorce with three young children without missing at least one of the stages. On average, it takes a year from the moment of separation to overcome all stages.
How to help your child
Children are very sensitive, they notice the slightest changes and chills in their parents' relationships. Unconsciously, they identify themselves as 50% mom and 50% dad. Talking about how bad one of the spouses is is perceived as a personal insult. Don’t ask, don’t put your child before choosing which of you two he loves more. Such a choice is quite difficult and can be traumatic. All negativity directed at one of the spouses is automatically directed at the child, who cannot separate himself from his father. The desire to please mom creates an internal conflict, which subsequently becomes deep emotional trauma.
To minimize your child’s experiences, do not ignore them, talk about the doubts and fears that your child experiences. Trying to hide your divorce will only make things worse. If children ask, answer questions honestly, emphasizing to them that what is happening is not their fault. When solving the problem of how to survive a divorce with two minor children, we note that there is no clear advice that is equally effective in any family. It all depends on mutual understanding and the degree of trust. The main task is to explain to the child that after a divorce, his parents will not love him less.
Children perceive the world around us, looking at the parents’ attitude to what is happening. By your reaction to the situation, they determine the global changes in their own life. When a mother is in an apathetic, depressed, or, even worse, aggressive state, the child’s world completely collapses. Create an atmosphere of love and safety around him, behave relaxed, remain calm. But to convince that everything will be fine, you need to believe it yourself. Only a happy and mentally healthy mother can raise a happy child.
To ease your worries, share responsibility: for example, your ex-husband takes the child for the weekend or meets him every day after school, you do homework and take them to study in the morning.
After divorce
How can a woman survive a divorce while still having a child? After going through all the stages and accepting the situation, it is important to continue living and enjoy every new opportunity. Psychologists recommend following a number of tips that will bring you back to life.
You can listen to the recommendations of experts, but most importantly, listen to the voice of your heart. Learn to understand your desires and make them come true. This is the only way to achieve absolute happiness and cope with any difficulties in life.
