Hello! My name is Irina. I am 25 years old. I have been married for almost 3 years. I recently left a job that I hated. I never had a desire to have children. That is, it seemed to be the case, in the sense that children were planned sometime in the distant future. When I was 20 years old, I thought that by the age of 25 I would just grow up, my maternal instinct would awaken, and I would want a child. But now, I am already 25, even almost 26 years old, but the desire to have a child has not appeared. The problem is that I am already pregnant - the third month, the pregnancy is unplanned. Terminating the pregnancy was initially out of the question, since I am against abortion, and I would not have raised my hand to kill my own child. But I realized that I was absolutely not ready for the fact that I would soon become a mother. I am not ready for the fact that I will have to devote all of myself to the child, not get enough sleep at night, and such responsibility scares me. Because of this, I am constantly in a bad mood, I often cry, I get nervous, I began to quarrel with my husband often, as I have become somehow very sensitive, and I react violently to everything, even if he told me something in the wrong tone. I don’t even know if I love my unborn child, because I don’t feel any joy from the fact that I will soon have him. On the contrary, it seems to me that my life is over. That I no longer belong to myself. At the same time, I worry about the child, and I want everything to be okay with him. Such conflicting feelings. Everything is aggravated by the fact that I have toxicosis, so I constantly feel sick, besides, I often have a headache, and for some reason I get tired quickly, and household chores have become a burden to me. My husband helps me around the house, not always, of course, but he tries. But it upsets me that he pays little attention to me, and his attitude towards me has not changed. I hoped that now that I was pregnant, he would take more care of me, be more interested in my well-being, and show understanding that I might have mood swings. Besides, he was the one who always wanted a child. But he doesn’t seem to understand what I need from him, even though I talked to him about this topic. As soon as I cry, instead of calming me down, he begins to get angry, because it seems to him that he is to blame for my tears. And his attitude makes me feel even worse. He later apologizes for his behavior, but I don’t need his apology, I need his understanding and support. In general, to sum it all up, I feel very bad now, more morally than physically. I can’t sleep for a long time at night because of all these thoughts that my life will soon change dramatically, that I will have almost no free time, that it’s as if I’m already tied hand and foot with responsibility for the child, and also thoughts about can I become a good mother, will I love my child, when will he be born, etc. - this all haunts me. I feel like a selfish person who only thinks about herself. Although, I think, most women who have children would call me that, because for all normal women, pregnancy and the birth of a child is a great joy, for some it is also very long-awaited, but not for me. I don't know what to do. How to calm down and stop being nervous about all this. I feel terribly unhappy and depressed. I also often experience apathy towards everything: I don’t want anything, and nothing makes me happy. Please help me figure all this out. Tell me how I can cope with all these feelings and emotions, otherwise I don’t know what to do anymore.
From this article you will learn:
Postpartum depression, fatigue, stress, lack of time for anything other than the baby - all this puts pressure on the psyche and many young mothers say to themselves: “I’m pregnant, but I’m not ready to become a mother” or “This is not for me, I feel that someone took my life from me.” Usually society condemns such women, they are told that all this will pass, but is this really so? So what should a woman who regrets her decision to have a child do?
If you look on the Internet, you can see that the overwhelming majority of conversations about motherhood come down to questions about how to get pregnant, carry, give birth and raise a child. It’s hard to find a woman who simply says, “I regret that I decided to become a mother,” or “Motherhood is not for me.” But this does not mean, however, that such women do not exist and this problem has become increasingly common in recent years.
Common Myths
All conversations about pregnancy among young girls usually come down to “vanilla” rose-colored dreams of a happy family life and beautiful, obedient children who will give their parents joy. As a rule, even during pregnancy itself, a woman continues to wear rose-colored glasses, with little idea of what she will have to face in real life immediately after birth.
In order to look at the root of the problem and consider how myths about a wonderful life are shattered, you can read the words of one of these mothers. Natalya I. writes: “I don’t know exactly at what time I began to regret that I decided to become a mother. The first problems began during pregnancy, but then I still did not fully understand what awaited me. That time passed as if in a pink fog. I was expecting the birth of my daughter and was sure that with her appearance everything would be just fine. Relatives and friends surrounding me smiled sweetly and promised to help.
But after the birth of my daughter, I realized that only I would have to bear the entire burden of responsibility for her, since everyone has their own affairs and concerns. My husband provided all possible help, but only after work, and I couldn’t shift caregiving problems onto him, since he needed rest after a hard day at work. At that moment, I bitterly realized that motherhood was not for me, and deep depression became my constant companion.
I couldn’t admit this to anyone, since everyone around me was convinced that it was a great joy to give birth and raise a child. But I felt everything completely differently, because my body had changed a lot and, naturally, not for the better. I simply didn’t have any free time, I couldn’t even get away once or twice a week to relax somewhere, so at first my daughter often cried, despite the fact that the doctors, after many checks, did not find any health problems.
It didn't get any better. She grew up a little and began to show such hyper activity that her parents could not stand with her for more than an hour. Then I realized that my child, in fact, was not needed by anyone except me. The obvious solution was to wait for time to fix everything. First, I waited until she started walking, then talking, then until she began to understand everything. But this time was irretrievably lost for me, and life is so fleeting..."
How to be
Women like Natalya I. cannot withstand the burden of responsibilities that suddenly falls on them. At this moment they become depressed, which often affects the child’s psyche. Are these women to blame? Not at all, it’s just that a new side of their own personality has opened up for them - motherhood is not for them. Is there a way out of this situation? Sometimes you hear the classic advice that in such cases you need to talk to someone, but will that really help?
Natalya I. once tried to talk about her feelings with her best friend, the mother of two children. As a result, as Natalya herself says: “I quickly regretted my decision to open up, because I immediately noticed that my friend did not understand at all what I meant. She asked me what she would do if she could go back in time? Would I choose a life without Sofia (that's my daughter's name)?
I saw that this conversation was disgusting for her, and for me too. I couldn't explain exactly what I was feeling. Of course, I love my daughter, now I have her and I will not give her to anyone. But, if I had not decided to take such a step then, perhaps now I would be happier, and this thought often haunts me. I know for sure that I will not agree to a second child, but I did not tell my friend about this, simply saying: “I am apparently tired and cannot express my thoughts correctly. Let's drop this topic." That's how I got stuck inside with a feeling of complete alienation.
Bad mother
Mothers who feel like Natalya I very often hear accusations about how bad they are. But most often, these statements come... from ourselves. As Natalya reports: “I constantly feel bad, and it seems to me that everyone around me sees what a bad mother I am. On the one hand, I miss my independent life, sometimes I fantasize about how everything would have been if Sophia had not been born, what I would be doing now and where I would be. Sometimes I fantasize about being in India, visiting spice and aromatic oil stores without worrying about whether I brought wet wipes to wipe my daughter's mouth. And then I feel guilty. The thought of imagining life without a child fills me with fear and shame.”
Usually, when women hear about such mothers who sincerely admit their disappointment in having children, they make the latter victims of verbal attacks. As a rule, it is stated that if a mother did not want to have a child, then she is a bad mother. But this is not always the case. In most cases, those women who regret giving birth to a child try to compensate for their guilt by treating their children very well. There are, of course, exceptions, but still the guilt of giving birth to a child who did not ask for it makes such women very good and fair mothers.
As Natalya herself says: “It’s impossible to say that I don’t love Sofia. I play with her, tell stories, read fairy tales and much more. But very often I feel an internal protest. For example, while on the playground, I am haunted by thoughts: “God, what am I doing here, how long will this take? Where is my old life?
Way out of the situation
It turns out that women who are not ready to become a mother, but still did it, live in an atmosphere of remorse and anticipation that the child will finally grow up. That is, it will give you the opportunity to return to your previous activities, to become independent again, which will allow you to get rid of the feeling of deprivation of freedom and loss of precious time.
Is there a ready-made solution to reduce negative feelings? Of course, first of all, you need to come to terms with the idea that the old life will not return, and you need to look for moments of happiness and freedom in the present. Sometimes the solution may be to create a blog or write a book. An interesting hobby or job that doesn’t take up a lot of time and can be done at home helps. Sometimes, if the opportunity arises, a trip somewhere alone can save you, which is needed to recharge and restore yourself. If it is difficult to find a way out of the situation on your own, it is worth contacting a psychologist who will professionally help restore inner harmony and get rid of obsessive thoughts.
Bottom line
Those women who feel unprepared for the role of mother need to know that they are not alone. Although society usually condemns such statements, our planet is so beautiful because it consists of diverse personalities. Accordingly, you should not plunge into depression, but you need to find peace within yourself and raise your child as a worthy person, so that the pride from realizing the importance of this mission will help you cope in the difficult years after childbirth.
Nastya (30 years old, gestational age - 29 weeks) came to a course to prepare for childbirth. She differed from other women by some tension and reluctance to talk about herself and her pregnancy. When Nastya started talking, it turned out that she would be an “independent mother”, that throughout the first trimester she was deciding whether to terminate the pregnancy due to problems with the child’s father.
When the baby began to move, it almost did not evoke joyful emotions in Nastya. The future was pictured to her in gloomy tones of fatigue, exhausting child care and hard work. But Nastya saw other pregnant women, talked with them and gradually began to feel guilty before the baby, that she could not love him “as she should,” and uncertainty that she was capable of being a good mother...
The situation when a woman is not ready to accept the fact of her own future motherhood is not so rare. Of course, unpreparedness for motherhood is more common among young unmarried women who did not plan pregnancy. Although married, a woman may experience “shock” from the news of pregnancy. However, within a few weeks, the woman’s maternal instinct awakens, and she begins to rejoice at the unexpected “gift.” If the situation of rejection persists, but the woman decides to leave the child due to fear for her health, or out of a desire to keep the man, or for financial reasons, then this can become a big problem for both mother and child.
Women whose readiness for motherhood is not developed experience anxiety, despondency and depression, dejection, and melancholy in connection with the onset of pregnancy. Such a woman has an unrealistic idea that the child will demand all of her, without a trace, and she will need to completely forget about herself, devoting herself only to the baby. Having set such a mythically high bar for themselves, they realize that they are not ready to meet it. In the future, they either strive to protect the child from any, often seeming, danger and not give him independence, or they take a formal educational position where there is no place for affection, participation, or tenderness. Of course, children living in such conditions are often unhappy. And mothers feel guilty, but cannot independently break out of the shackles of the “cold” maternal position. Therefore it's better get help still at the stage of pregnancy.
How to deal with such a situation?
First, clarify the reasons that led to the fact that you cannot come to terms with your new maternal role. If you begin to understand the “origins”, dealing with the problem will become much easier.
Secondly, find your inner resources (character traits, inclinations, skills, life experience) in order to understand: you are capable of becoming a good mother.
Thirdly, learn to cope with attacks of uncertainty and bad mood (for example, autogenic training can help).
Fourthly, understand that caring for a child is not at all a path of constant sacrifice, that you can and should devote time to both the personal and professional sides of life.
When we see two lines on the test, we will definitely burst into tears of happiness and run to buy our first booties... This is the reaction that those around us expect from expectant mothers. What if, instead of joy from upcoming motherhood, there is panic and fear in your head?
“We were planning a child. But for some reason, children were perceived as some kind of abstract phenomenon that awaits us later, somehow later... after a session, repairs, vacation... And then, like an avalanche, a positive test. And there are a lot of questions in my head: “Already? For what? DON'T WANT!!!" (Arina, 24 years old)
Fears of the expectant mother
Many women, as soon as they find out about pregnancy, find themselves thinking that they are afraid of it. What are the fears of the expectant mother? Why do they arise? Probably because you will have to change your lifestyle, devote yourself to the little man, parting for a while with previously planned plans for life.
And then, when the pregnancy develops and the baby grows, pregnant women change their minds. And what expectant mothers are usually afraid of begins to seem to them not just funny, but even absurd.
When does this happen? Most often, a few days after the pregnancy test shows two lines. There are also more complex cases when pregnant women are tormented by fears. But they also dissipate during the first ultrasound examination, when the expectant mother hears the heartbeat of her baby and sees it on the monitor.
Fears will pass. Give yourself time! In the meantime, let's look at the most basic fears that may overcome you.
I don't love him now. What if I can’t love him later?
Love for a child does not always come at the moment of news of pregnancy. Sometimes it arises only from the first image of a funny Martian on an ultrasound, the first push, and even more often - from a toothless sleepy smile, the feeling of chubby arms hugging the neck, the shining eyes of a baby, his first achievements.
Many mothers admit that true motherly love came to them not during pregnancy, or even after the birth of the baby, but only a few months later! And that's absolutely normal.
You will have to devote your whole life to your child. Not a second for yourself!
Oh, this selfishness of ours... Yes, you will have to be prepared for the fact that in the first months the child will really take up all of your time, and the usual joys like cinema and restaurant will not be available. But your child will not hang on your chest forever and endlessly soil diapers. Children grow up, and as they grow older, free time appears. And very soon the moment will come when you will happily spend all your time with your baby. And you won’t even let your grandmother hold him. By the way, young parents very often have a stinking question -
The hormone oxytocin (the love hormone) produced by the mother is responsible for attachment to her child. Scientists have found that the higher its level, the more reverently and caringly the mother treats her children.
I'm afraid that I won't be able to cope with the child.
The unknown is scary. The science of caring for a baby seems more complex than string theory. There is the Internet, books and magazines, experienced friends, doctors, paid consultants at home... All this will help even at the stage of pregnancy planning. And within a month after giving birth, you will be cleaning your baby’s ears with one hand and changing diapers with the other. And you can give advice to other mothers. Experience comes very quickly. Before you know it, you’ll start giving out advice yourself.
I'm still like a child myself. What can I give him?
Sometimes an active, cheerful mother who loves cartoons, candy, roller skating, playing PlayStation, wearing torn jeans and dyeing her hair red can give her child much more than a mother who does everything according to a book and a routine. You can give your child a happy childhood. This means you will grow up together. What could be better?
