A small, defenseless and such a beloved child - how can you not pamper him, forbid him to do this and that, not buy him a toy he likes? But such an attitude towards children is the first step towards the fact that an egoist will grow up in the family. Almost always in families where children are spoiled, parents suffer from their selfishness, the constant “I want”, “I won’t”, “buy”, “me and only me!” But while the baby is still small, these little pranks seem so funny to us; we attribute all these selfish habits to a small age, to an immature consciousness, to excessive curiosity. And only when selfishness begins to manifest itself with all its might, the child says: “I won’t wash the dishes until you buy a T-shirt”, “I don’t have time to go to my sick granny because I made an agreement with friends”, “buy me this this minute”, “I always I’m right and I know everything better than others” - then the parents grab their heads and cannot understand what they missed in raising their beloved son or daughter.

Reasons for the formation of child selfishness

• Excessive love is harmful

As soon as the child was born, he became the center of attention. Mom and dad don’t sleep at night; all day long they try to make their child’s life safe, cozy, warm and comfortable. And it cannot be any other way, because the human baby was created by the Almighty in such a way that until he at least begins to move independently on the Earth, he simply vitally needs the help of his relatives. But when he is already one year old, he begins to explore the world and slowly understand that now he is the main thing in his mother’s life, and whatever he asks for will be done right away. Any toy, candy, any attractions in the park - all this is immediately presented to the child “on a tray with a blue border” at his first call. After such permissiveness and “everything can be bought”, the child’s boundaries of what is permitted are erased, it doesn’t matter to him that dad lost his job, that you can’t buy him another fancy toy - since the child wants it, it means he should have it right away, because before everything so it was. If the child does not receive this, he may become hysterical, roll on the floor and scream and cry loudly. And if you fall for this canard, then consider that you have lost this “battle”, and the child’s selfishness has begun to manifest itself in full force.

• “No” to independence - “yes” to selfishness

There is another common type of overprotection - when parents do everything for their child, just so that he grows up healthy and studies well. From childhood, the child does not even know that he needs to make the bed, put away the dishes, wash them, put away toys and things immediately after using them - his mother and grandmother do all this for him. Firstly, such a child grows up completely unadapted to normal adult life; he can live his whole life next to his mother simply because he is not able to do without her help. And secondly, when a child simply does not know how to do all this now, he will refuse to learn in the future. You will say “you’re already big, it’s time to make your bed,” to which you will receive either simply ignoring silence or the child’s anger, and only you will be to blame for this, because you never allowed him to do something on his own.

The lack of independence will manifest itself especially clearly when making some decisions. If from the very beginning you have always decided everything for your child, then in any subsequent situation he will come running to you and shake the answer out of you this very minute, and you will simply have to solve his problems right there, putting aside all your affairs.

If a child has no one to take care of - there is no sister or brother, his grandmother is also looked after by his mother and father, then he will never learn to sacrifice himself for the sake of another person. The fact has been proven more than once: if there is only one child in the family, then in most cases he grows up to be an egoist (this trait is more pronounced in some people, in some people those around them hardly notice it, but it still exists). As a result, it turns out that everything that the child does, he does only for himself, he does not need to share with his sister, he does not need to think about the fact that his parents should buy a jacket not only for him, but also for his brother. Everything that parents buy, give, say and do is all for him. And if everything around since childhood revolves around one child, he begins to feel like the center of the universe, and in the future it will be difficult to convince him otherwise.

• Financial incentives

A child should have a moral incentive and respect for his parents, and not material calculations. For example, once you asked your child to wash the dishes and you yourself said that he would receive candy or some money for this. For the first time, the child will be happy and will gladly fulfill your request. However, the next time he does this in the hope of receiving rewards and does not receive it, this is where the problems begin. He won’t just wash the dishes anymore, and if you ask for something, you will immediately hear “what will I get for this?” That is, the child’s respect for you and your work is much lower than the possibility of reward. He first of all thinks about himself, and not about the fact that you are tired - and this is the first alarm bell.

• Lack of attention

Children grow up to be selfish even in the diametrically opposite situation - if they lack attention, love, they don’t feel secure in life, don’t communicate with loved ones, and they don’t have a stable home world. Living in such conditions, a child learns to survive, and not to live, and thoughts form in his head that if he doesn’t do it himself, then no one else will help, which means he needs to think only for himself, because no one is in this the world doesn't think about him. Such selfishness in children appears as a defensive reaction of a fragile psyche to a sad, scary childhood.

Even if children grow up in a normal family, but their parents are selfish themselves, the child will follow their example. When parents raise a child, guided by their own convenience, and not by the needs of the baby, then the child will later take the same position, because he will see how mom and dad selfishly indulge their whims, so why should the child do anything differently? If parents do not consider it necessary to be close to their child, then he will consider this normal.

How not to raise an egoist?

1. Understand that we all exist for the sake of procreation, that is, for the sake of children, but we should not lay our lives at their feet and sacrifice everything for their sake;
2. First of all, adjust your behavior: realize that your care for him is excessive or, on the contrary, he lacks your attention;
3. Don’t forget to ask and even demand your child’s help in household chores, caring for loved ones, working in the garden, and just involve him in everyone’s help;
4. From a young age, teach your children to take care of other people, animals, give way to elders, give grandma a chopstick, or pour grandpa a bowl of soup. Be sure to make birdhouses, feed the birds in the winter, scatter crumbs for the pigeons with your child in the summer, go feed the neighbor’s dog - in general, show your child an example of how to take care of others. In this way, kindness, compassion, and care for others will develop in the child; he will think not only about his own whims, but also about the people around him, and will not focus only on his own desires; accordingly, he is unlikely to become selfish. However, the baby should not do this himself - you should help him, and not just show him once and expect that next time the baby will run to feed the bird. Do all good deeds with your child and be sure to praise him for it, so that he feels happy that he did something nice for his mother;
5. It is important not only to take care of those around you, but also to always be attentive to them - congratulate them on all holidays, happy birthdays, call and ask “how are you” from your relatives. The child must understand what a pleasure it is to bring joy to other people;
6. Decide to give birth to another baby, but immediately prepare yourself for the fact that you need to love children equally: you need to devote time, encourage them, and raise them equally. Older children are required to help their mother care for the younger ones. However, teach your youngest child to also take care of his older brother. If there is only one child in the family, teach him to take care of other family members, do not put him on a pedestal;
7. Give your child attention, take care of him and show your love, but do not spoil him, otherwise he will take it for granted;
8. Try not to quarrel in front of the child, especially do not start large noisy disputes, because any quarrel between parents slowly destroys the protective dome of the child in which he feels safe. And if a child’s sense of reliability is destroyed, then he will simply become fixated on himself and eventually grow up to be an egoist;
9. Assign your child several feasible household chores, such as completely cleaning his room and wiping dust throughout the apartment. The child should feel responsible for at least the small household chores that he has been assigned;
10. Gradually relieve yourself of responsibility for the child’s personal affairs - for ensuring that he does not oversleep, is not late, does his homework, etc. Not immediately, but gradually bring the child to the conclusion that he must be responsible for all his personal affairs himself, and you only in the most extreme cases, you will insure him. As they say, “they learn from their mistakes,” therefore, until a child goes through his school of life, he will not learn to truly live;
11. Offer your child a choice, don’t decide everything for him, because he will grow up without his own opinion, without his own goal, he will live in your thoughts, feel unprotected and demand guardianship from you until old age;
12. Expand your child’s social circle, don’t keep him under your wing at home, be sure to take him to kindergarten so that the child’s nascent egoism is broken up by society, by the whims, desires and needs of other children and teachers, so that the child knows and understands that he is not the only one this world needs something.

Perhaps every reader, looking at the title of the article, will definitely remember this example: he, too, has met in his life wonderful families in which for some reason problem children grew up. Or maybe he himself faced the same problem: he tried to give everything to his children, but did not receive the expected return.

Most often this happens in families where the cult of children is pronounced. What does it mean? This means that the interests of all family members are subordinated to the child. It seems: what's wrong with this? The idea of ​​devoting your life to raising children is a very good one; Another thing is bad: parents should not forget about themselves and should not give the child the idea that he is in charge.

How does this happen?

This happens unnoticed. Gradually, all family members begin to be guided by one single rule: all the best goes to the child. Parents can deny themselves some goodies - let most (and sometimes all) of the purchased fruit go to their beloved child, he is growing... Dad and mom can wear the same boots or shoes as last season - the child needs a new thing. Adults can easily they may deny themselves holidays and weekends if they need to earn money for the “heir” or “heiress”. They will happily give up the best room: let the baby play or do homework where it is brighter and more spacious. A little later, parents will not skimp on tutors, even if they have to deny themselves everything; they will not be afraid to take on a burdensome loan, as long as their son or daughter gets the education they want. And so on. After some time, they will be left without all their savings or go into huge debts in order to organize a luxurious wedding for their child.

When will children begin to sacrifice their interests for the sake of their parents?

Most likely never. If they are used to receiving only from childhood, they do not have the mindset that they owe anything to anyone, especially their parents! The latter are simply obliged to solve all their problems. There is nothing to be done: the parents themselves inspired their children that they live only for them - they have no personal interests.

What to do to avoid becoming a “slave” of your own child?

– pamper without fanaticism: do not try to please in everything and indulge all whims;

– do not give extra money;

– teach responsibility: determine responsibilities at home, maintain the level of performance at school;

– explain to the child that mom and dad get tired at work and sometimes feel bad - at such moments they especially need help;

- everything that is tasty in the house should be divided equally among family members (or at least “don’t forget” about the parents).

Parents must watch their words

Do not under any circumstances emphasize the importance of the child in the family, do not utter the following words in front of him: “everything is for his sake,” “let him have what we didn’t have,” “we don’t feel sorry for anything for the child,” “if only only the child was content.” You may think and act like this, but understand: children take all words too straightforwardly. Such expressions are deposited in their subconscious, they begin to believe that parents are obliged in any situation to be guided only by such “slogans”; they simply do not have the right to deny something to their beloved son or daughter.

It is very difficult to rehabilitate an egoist

It is easier to prevent a child from becoming selfish than to subsequently re-educate him: and the older he gets, the less chance his parents will have that he will change. On the contrary, as the child grows, his needs will also grow: it will become increasingly difficult for parents to satisfy all his desires. In the end, it often turns out like this: no longer young parents simply get tired of resisting and meekly give their adult children everything they have, while remaining poor, useless, abandoned by the elderly!

To prevent this from happening in your life, rebuild your relationship with your children in time. Good luck and patience to you!

Good day, dear blog readers!

Today our topic is about what to do if a child is selfish. As we said in previous articles, they most often hide in childhood. It is also important to know what mistakes made by parents increase the risk of selfishness in children.

• The child is an egoist: what to do

Why children grow up selfish: mistakes in education

It would seem that our children are little delicate flowers that we care for and raise with great love. And it seems that everything is done for the baby, everything is explained to him, and as a result, then the parents rush to the forums with questions: “My son is an egoist: what should I do?”

Therefore, let's first talk about what mistakes in upbringing lead to selfishness in children.

Mistakes in education:

• Too much love from parents

Everything is always for the baby, all his wishes are fulfilled at once, and all offenders are immediately eliminated from sight by formidable mothers/fathers/grandmothers/grandfathers. But! As a result of such indulgence, he begins to think that everything around him exists for him. And quite naturally he begins to demand. After all, he thinks that all this belongs to him.

• Lack of independence

This is the case when they do everything around the house for the children and do not burden them with even minimal purchases. Moreover, kids don’t even know that they need to clear away toys and plates from the table.

Please note that the baby not only grows up to be selfish, but also completely unadapted to independent life. In the future, he will refuse to do any business related to the house. And he will do this not only because he doesn’t want to, but also because he doesn’t know how to do all this.

• Excessive financial incentives

Your son or daughter should study well not because they receive money for every grade, but because they know why it will be useful to them in the future.

As for cleaning or going to the store, this should be done because it is customary and out of respect and desire to help parents. If this is all done solely to get extra pocket money, then this is a reason for you to think about it.

• Lack of attention from parents

No matter how strange it may sound, egoists are produced not only with overprotection, but also with its complete absence.

A child who grew up in such an environment was accustomed to the fact that any signs of attention must be received with a fight. Accordingly, in adult life such a person will strive to capture the attention of everyone around him. In this way, a kind of compensation occurs for the attention lost in childhood.

As you can see, the answer to the question: “How not to raise a child to be selfish?” pretty simple - don't do any of the things listed above. And then the likelihood that your little and beloved sun will grow into a selfish person is small.

The child is an egoist: what to do

Now let's talk about what to do if the child is already selfish. This happens when one day you realize that something has gone wrong.

So, how to re-educate a little egoist:

• Get rid of unnecessary guardianship

If he already goes to high school, then it is not worth waking him up every morning (although it is worth monitoring from afar that going to school still happens every day). Also, let him make the bed himself and clear the dishes from the table;

• Let me have a negative experience

If you didn't learn the lesson, you got a bad grade. Until the child understands that any of his actions (or inaction) affects the quality of life, nothing good will happen;

• If you ask about successes, then pay attention not only to questions about the baby himself, but also about his friends

This is how the habit of observing what happens to people around you is formed;

• Promote a broader social environment

• Foster altruism

In fact, we need to instill in children the habit of caring for others. To do this, it is enough to have any pet in the house. Even fish will do. This is how children from an early age understand that there is a being who is completely dependent on them. And when there is a habit of caring for those who cannot do it themselves, then we are no longer talking about selfishness.

And one more thing: selfishness often appears in the case of two or three children in a family. Therefore, if you decide to give birth to another baby, then you need to prepare the older one for the arrival of a brother or sister even before the birth.

Attention! So that later selfishness does not manifest itself in the younger one, over time we teach him that the older brother (or sister) also needs care and help. If children in the family help each other, then your goal has been achieved!

So, today we touched on the topic of how not to raise an egoist. I hope you found this helpful. For now I have everything. But we have a lot of interesting things ahead, so don’t forget to subscribe to blog updates and share the link with your friends.

If you have any questions, write, we will answer them!

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A selfish person is not the best friend, partner or interlocutor. Such people are shunned, distrusted, and avoid serious matters. In fact, one does not become selfish in one day. The formation of self-obsession and disregard for the interests of other people is preceded by a long process of cultivating egoism.

The conditions in which a person was raised from childhood, his environment and instilled values ​​determine the model of behavior and attitude towards others in adulthood.

Of course, every parent wants the best for their child. Therefore, the last piece is for the child. If she cries, we drop everything and run to console her. A more expensive and larger toy for your beloved child: “So, am I a bad mother?”

There is nothing wrong with striving to fill your childhood with the best. Periodically sacrificing your interests and adapting to the child’s needs is the norm. But, unfortunately, many parents overdo it with care and arranging comfortable conditions for their child. Wanting to provide love and satisfy the child as much as possible, adults forget about an important factor of socialization - respect for other people. It is the lack of respect for others, the awareness that “others need it too”, that are the main indicators of children’s selfishness.

Psychologists say that being selfish, especially for a child, is not bad. Selfishness is a character trait that helps you take care of yourself, defend your position, and get what you want. Without healthy egoism, it is difficult for a person to survive in society, become a full-fledged social element and feel comfortable. Keyword "healthy".

Children who have unhealthy characteristics are often called selfish.

Healthy selfishness

• “Mom, get your brother out of the room, he’s stopping me from doing my homework!”(the child defends his interests).

Unhealthy

• “I’ll take all my brother’s toys because that’s what I want!”(the child does not respect the interests of another without adequate justification).

Recognizing the fine line between healthy and unhealthy selfishness is not easy. Accordingly, there are many chances to take the wrong “path” and raise an egoist.

If you want to turn your “little deity” into a normal child and learn to behave in such a way as not to cultivate destructive selfishness in him, this article is for you. We will tell you everything about the manifestation of children's egoism and how parents should react to it correctly.

Causes of children's selfishness

Example of parents

The child perceives the parents’ behavior as a norm, which he adopts in the process of growth and development.

If adults are busy only with themselves, in relationships they downplay each other’s roles, do not give in, and get offended if it’s “not their way,” then the child will behave according to the same algorithm. To demand the opposite from your child, you yourself must first find out.

Occurs in families for whom it was difficult to get a baby (long years of infertility treatment, difficult pregnancy, etc.). Afraid that nothing will happen to the baby (subconscious fear of losing a long-awaited child), parents circle around him and fulfill all his whims, so as not to be offended and feel unloved.

Strong guardianship also occurs in single-parent families where the parent is left with the child (without a father, for example). An adult, feeling guilty for having a dysfunctional family or being unable to devote time to a child due to work, indulges his whims, thus relieving himself of guilt.

Overprotection leads to the fact that the child does not show initiative in self-care, because everyone will do it for him anyway.

Putting a child on a pedestal

The baby is touched, praised and idolized, regardless of his behavior. The future Pushkin told a poem! He spat out the food - how funny it turned out! The child does not develop a critical attitude towards his own behavior and is free to do whatever he wants. At the same time, ethics, politeness and respect for others are not taken into account. The child is simply not taught by adults what this is all about.

The reasons for the formation of children's egoism lie in the relationships between adults in the family, their personal motivation and behavior.

Signs of a Selfish Child

From birth to 3 years

• He is inquisitive, so he dumps the contents of cabinets and nightstands. Not in order to burden mom with cleaning later.
• He wants to eat, so he cries. Not because he doesn’t understand that mom didn’t have time to cook.
• He takes a toy from a neighbor not because he wants to steal it, but because it is very beautiful.

Preschoolers 3-6 years old

At this age, unhealthy selfishness may begin to appear. The child already understands that he lives in society, that there are other people, etc. Can throw a tantrum if he doesn't get what he wants. May show aggression, withdraw into himself, sulk and be offended.

At this age, selfishness is manifested by an inadequate reaction to a ban. Anything that doesn’t suit him – he immediately starts crying. And the parents’ reaction to the child’s emotions can both reinforce selfishness and prevent it.

Have you read our article about? If not, we highly recommend it.

Schoolchildren and teenagers

• After 7 years, children's egoism takes on a stable form of disdain for others and can manifest itself in rudeness, when children begin to use bad words towards adults, for example, interrupting, not listening at all.
• Can use physical force (catch up and take away, beat, hit) if he does not get what he wants with words. At the same time, voicing what you want becomes unnecessary, since those around you “should” telepathically understand and instantly provide it.
• Children may refuse their responsibilities around the house or school if mom doesn't buy new jeans.
• Or manifest: if I don’t get it in a good way, then I’ll steal it, for example.

The dire consequences that await

Relationships with others

Egoists are conflicting, touchy people. If they don’t get what they want, they are ready to blame others, point out shortcomings or short-sightedness, point out insensitivity and lack of understanding.

The other feels ridiculous, since the requests and demands of the egoist may run counter to capabilities or common sense. Who wants to listen to accusations from a seemingly sane adult who must solve his own problems?

Personal life

Building long-term relationships with an egoist is problematic, since the partner plays the role of a servant rather than an equal.

Egoists, like capricious children, always demand attention, care and respect for themselves, not realizing that this is not always possible. There is no talk at all about mutual care in such couples, everything is only for the egoist.

Attitude towards yourself

Egoists often have inflated self-esteem; they are confident in their exclusivity and divinity. They expect others to treat them accordingly. Life demonstrates otherwise, therefore, egoists feel like victims of other people and circumstances, whine and hate everyone. And they hardly think about the role they themselves play in the fact that something doesn’t work out.

Selfishness is a lack of responsibility for what happens in life.

How to re-educate children's selfishness

Every parent can eradicate children's selfishness.

The main thing is to be patient and realize that it is better to suffer now than to release a person unadapted to life into life.

Determine your child's responsibilities around the house based on age.

• A 3-year-old can throw candy papers in the trash;
• 15-year-old teenager - wash the floors in the house.

By doing this, you will form an understanding that there are obligations to others.

• Build self-care skills. The child must be able to dress himself, eat, make his bed and learn his homework.

Don't over-praise. Praise only for what is done to the best of the child’s ability. This way you will learn to bring things to the end, to be critical of what you have done.

We have a useful article on our website about not overpraising. We recommend reading.

• Ask for help. Parents should ask for help not only when they no longer have the strength, but also preventively.

Take out the trash, spend time with your little brother, make a sandwich. This way you will learn to care about others and realize that “they are not the only ones.” Be sure to thank them for your help, this will reinforce your desire to do more.

• Less control. Give the child his area of ​​responsibility.

You shouldn't wake up a 14-year-old for school. If he is late, it is his responsibility, which means he will receive a scolding. Next time he will get up on time. Give him the opportunity to have a negative experience. It is he who creates responsibility.

• Talk about your difficulties. Sometimes there is not enough time, money, health. Tell your child about this. Let him learn to empathize and empathize with others.
• Expand the circle of your own interests, so the child will understand that the world does not revolve only around him. We advise you to start.
• Love your child and talk about it.

A loving parent is not someone who allows everything. And the one who teaches to live and feel happy in specific conditions of possible deprivations, obstacles, and shortfalls.

Prohibited parenting methods

Prohibited Method No. 1

Demonstratively say: “From today you urgently begin to live differently! I stop caring about you. Your responsibilities are as follows...".

Such a proclamation would confuse even an adult. I lived alone for 10 years, and then everything changes suddenly, why is this? The child will not take this seriously and may stage a protest.

Prohibited Method No. 2

You deliberately express dissatisfaction with selfishness: “Here, they raised it on their own head!”

The question is, who raised and who allowed the child to become selfish? His character is your responsibility.

Method No. 3

Criticize and focus on selfishness in front of peers or adults. This is how you show disrespect for the child.

№ 4

Shift responsibility for your child’s selfishness to others: clubs, schools, kindergartens. It was not there that an egoist was raised, but at your home.

№ 5

Never led to a change in motivation. If a child was beaten for not sharing candy, then next time he will share because of fear of pain, but not because of the desire to please someone else.

№ 6

You don’t explain, you just demand.

It is important to explain to the child the norms and rules of behavior, to voice motivation and expediency. If the child does not understand why it is necessary to do this and not otherwise, he will not do so.

№ 7

Become selfish yourself. This method is akin to: “Here, I’ll show you yourself!”, when parents themselves begin to behave like children and demand: “Spin me, spin me!”

1. Firstly, it is stressful for the child, who is already selfish and does not understand why the parents want something for no reason.
2. Secondly, all that can be achieved is aggression on the part of the child, because your behavior will require skills that the child simply does not possess: care, responsibility, compassion.

How not to raise an egoist

Don't make a cult of a child. A baby is happiness, but there are other family members who require a caring attitude.

• Teach to share, listen, and have compassion for others.
• Explain the rules of behavior in society and show by example.
• Do something besides the child to reduce the degree of overprotection.
• Praise for real achievements, and not for the fact that he has beautiful eyes.

Demand only what he has been taught. If you don’t know how to fold trousers, first teach them, then demand they do it. And not: “God, how stupid you are!” - and they put it together themselves.

• Ask for whatever help you can.
• Be clear about each family member's responsibilities for running the household.
• Do not neglect children's groups, where the child learns social interaction.

Learn to solve your problems yourself. Discuss possible solutions, give advice, but don’t deal with your classmate Kolya, who secretly copied your homework.

TATYANA BELOKONSKAYA, especially for the site

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