There is a crisis in my relationship with my husband, we hardly communicate. Do you need communication with your ex-husband? What to do if your husband doesn’t want to communicate

Why doesn't the ex-husband want to communicate with his ex-wife and children?

Is it possible to improve relations with ex-husband, and is it worth doing this at all?

Let's try to answer questions that are relevant to many people in more detail.

My first husband and I remain good friends and there is no reason why I should not see him.
Vivien Leigh

Breakup

Quite rarely, divorce occurs in a civilized environment, without reproaches, tears or scandals. In addition, not every person is able to calmly accept sudden changes in their personal life.

Resentment, pain, fear of the future - these are a small part of the emotions that a woman experiences during a divorce. But, paradoxically, some ladies try to maintain friendly relations with their ex-husband. Why doesn't he want to see me? This question keeps even the most persistent women up at night.

In some cases, calm communication between people is not only possible, but also necessary. For example, if they intersect at work or have children together. In other situations, “exes” choose not to meet again because they don’t see any point in it.

The examples we described have a positive outcome, since the ex-spouses were able to come to an agreement and feel calm. However, there are cases when a woman wants to continue communication, and the man does his best to prevent her intentions.

If you are interested in the question of why your ex-husband does not want to communicate, then you should immediately understand yourself.

Why does my ex-husband not want to communicate and leaves the family?

You can talk for hours about the problems and psychological disorders that influenced the breakup. But the problem is always the same: both parties are always to blame for a breakup. Often, you marry one person and end up with someone completely different.

Everyone is consumed by routine, no one wants to work on relationships, talk about problems, hoping that they will be solved on their own. The woman thinks that my husband will not leave me because I gave birth to his child. But children have never kept and will never keep a man in marriage.

The consequences of breaking such a relationship between a man and a woman:

• After leaving, the man does not communicate with ex-wife, but maintains contact with the child, for example through parents. Thus, the man avoids responsibility to his ex-wife. He is afraid to look her in the eyes, admit his mistakes, talk about new relationships, and so on.
• When leaving, the man stops maintaining contact with his children and ex-wife. Such problems are very often dealt with in court, since leaving the family does not relieve a man of responsibility for children. He is obliged to support and educate them.

Burnt Bridges

Divorce happens for many reasons. In some families it is caused by infidelity, in others by money issues, in others by alcohol, and so on. So why do you want to continue communicating with a person who did not value you and your feelings?

Perhaps you voice the following reasons to others:

• High relationship– you think that civilized people should save face even after a breakup. Then remember that such an outcome is only possible if both partners have the same intentions. If a man has no thoughts about further cooperation, then his opinion should be respected.
• Desire to take care of ex-husband- you think that he needs your help, since he is completely helpless in the face of everyday difficulties. In such cases, the behavior of the ex-husband is understandable - he is trying to protect himself from the control of a woman who is completely alien to him.
• Beneficial friendship a – you are sure that a good relationship can bring you some bonuses over time. For example, solve financial difficulties or advance your career. If your intentions are obvious to your ex-husband, he may feel that he is being used. Don't be surprised if he immediately disappears from sight and stops answering calls.
• Household issues– Does your home constantly have accidents or require minor repairs? When a handyman lives nearby for many years in a row, a woman gets used to not noticing current problems. Therefore, out of habit, she turns to her ex-husband for help. If your ex-spouse has a new passion, then he is unlikely to care about your problems. To avoid misunderstandings and unnecessary insults, it is better to call a paid specialist from the relevant organization to your home.

Do not forget that a man can avoid communicating with his ex-wife if she seeks to get him back and comes up with new ways of manipulation. In this case, he tries to minimize communication and break all ties in one fell swoop.

Video: How to communicate with an ex-man

"Ex" dad

It’s sad to look at families where children become hostages of their squabbling parents. They hide behind their name, solving personal problems, and extort money or attention from each other. The question of why my ex-husband stopped communicating with me fades into the background. But still, think about how this behavior affects the youngest members of the family and whether it is worth continuing the war, requiring the husband to regularly communicate with his daughter or son.

So, what reasons might a dad have for stopping meeting with his children:

• Guilt– insecure men are often ashamed of their unpleasant actions and prefer to meet with their child as little as possible after a divorce. This problem can be solved if you call your partner for a frank conversation and convince him that separation cannot become an obstacle to the love of a father with his son or daughter.
• Transferring bad relationships from ex-spouse to child- this problem is quite difficult to solve, and therefore a lot of effort will have to be made to restore friendly relations.
• New family – if a new girlfriend demands that a man stop communicating with the child, then you cannot do anything. The only one who can influence the situation is your “ex”.
• The desire to start life over with a new leaf– a professional psychologist who specializes in working with families can help in this situation. However, if the child’s father does not agree to make contact, then you are unlikely to be able to change the situation.

Communication with a son or daughter is very important for an adequate person, even if he does not yet realize it. Subsequently, he will highly appreciate your tact, restraint and invaluable assistance in this delicate matter.

If a man does not respond to all attempts to establish his connection with the children, then back down. Try to survive this situation and do not involve your child in its solution.

Children perfectly sense their mother’s mood, and it depends only on her how they will perceive the current state of affairs. Therefore, you should not discuss it in front of your child. negative qualities father, complain about his indifference and feel sorry for himself.

Most marital friction arises from the wife talking too much and the husband listening too little.
Kurt Goetz

Responsibility for actions

Men who avoid responsibility either have problems with alcohol and drugs, or have new relationships in which the woman forbids the man to fulfill his fatherly duty and see his son and daughter. In such cases, the right option for the wife would be to file a lawsuit and generally prohibit the man from seeing his son. Very often this technique works and men return to the family, realizing what they had and almost lost.

All situations that arise in the family should not be kept silent. Be sure to talk through problems and look for solutions together. It is worth remembering that relationships are hard work on both sides. Be friends and lovers. Be interested in each other's hobbies and passions. Do not hesitate to contact family psychologists. Psychological practice shows that 80% of couples who turned to professional help avoided divorce.

Conclusion

Every time you ask yourself the question why your spouse stopped talking to me, try to distract yourself from the grievances and switch gears. It is much more important to understand what you are doing to ensure that he avoids close communication. The fact is that each person achieves a certain relationship with a partner in different ways.

To track all unconscious motives and stop being led by them, you should contact a professional psychologist or psychotherapist. Just a few consultations good specialist will relieve pain from grievances, and also help solve real and fictitious problems.

Patrick Rothfuss

My husband doesn't talk to me. We didn't quarrel. We are not enemies. We don't live in a war different sides barricades, trying to prove something to each other. We don't raise each other in such a rigid way. This is just the kind of family we have. No hate, no love. We no longer have US. It’s like a once huge flowering lake gradually dried up and turned into a terrible lifeless pit.

A painfully overused topic. Like an old great-grandfather's record. Everyone has known its contents for a long time, but again and again they put it under the needle of the gramophone. A quiet voice creaks pitifully and jams. You are waiting: suddenly this time everything will be wrong with me. But no miracle happens. Events follow a strictly designated path by nature.

First we fall madly in love. We attract like two magnets. We merge and absorb each other. It is impossible to understand where one ends and the other begins. My husband and I are a monolith. One body, one consciousness. One begins to speak - the other continues.

Only two or three years pass, and our ligament begins to weaken. We are still friendly to each other. In the morning we also drink tea. But now silently, my husband doesn’t want to talk to me. TV saves the situation. The husband pretends that this is interesting. We absorb the news together with sandwiches.

I look for my husband’s gaze and understand that he is far away. It’s as if he’s being carried away from the shore of our family by a strong current on the ice of alienation. A little more and he will completely forget about his native land.

What should we do to save our relationship? Why did my husband move away?? System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan knows the answers to these questions.

My husband doesn't want to talk to me

Reason one: we don’t know how to give.

If you look back at our relationship, you can trace an interesting trend. We could talk days and nights without noticing the time. Because there was a sincere interest in each other, not burdened with any obligations towards each other. But there was a natural attraction that allowed us to enjoy each other.

The short time allotted for the dancing of pheromones has passed. The unconditional attraction has ceased. But a list appeared: “You, husband, owe me such and such.” - “To the bathhouse with your requests,”- the husband says mentally. And in response I hear silence and I think that he stopped loving me, got lazy and just doesn’t want to talk to me. And he thinks that it is better to remain silent, otherwise any conversation will result in reproaches and scandal.

As soon as the complaints started, we stopped hearing and listening to each other. The desire to communicate has disappeared.

Self-love prevents us from being happy and loved. We are able to love only what brings us pleasure. Relationships are about mutual giving. But we only like to receive, to demand for ourselves. My husband carries it in his arms - it means I love it. I don't wear it - I hate it. I'm silent. He doesn’t talk to me, he exists on his own, I am on my own.

My husband doesn't talk to me for weeks

Reason two: we don’t build emotional connections.

I hear from friends: “I must have my own space. It's very fashionable now. That is, I’m on the Internet - it’s mine, don’t poke your nose in here and don’t distract me!” And his tanks (who doesn’t know them!) are also his space.

The question is, where is the shared space? Who will create it, and then protect it? I'm not even talking about developing. But this “a woman’s first task is to build emotional connections,”- System-vector psychology Yuri Burlan shares the secret of building a strong family. It is the woman who is the leader in this delicate issue.

Friends say: “My husband is to blame, he doesn’t want to talk to me. He came home from work and is silent.” They go to their mother, to a forum on the Internet and wash their husbands’ bones. They collect bad advice and try to put it into practice. Such actions alienate spouses from each other even more. Emotional connections are built with girlfriends, with mother, but not with husband.

Doesn't want to talk, but everything can be changed

Love is the connection of my desire with the desires of my beloved. To include yourself, to learn to give, is the highest goal, above egoism. When two merge together, harmony comes. This is the highest pleasure. It is built on the disclosure of opposites and their complement.

From personal experience I can say that the training in system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan not only saved my family from divorce. Our relationship has moved on

The behavior of men is a mystery. At least for women.

I often receive women's questions about men's habits. Of course, to the best of my ability and knowledge, I answer and explain.

Today is one of such clarifications.

The question is typical, it has come to me more than once, so I will not quote the question itself, but will simply outline the situation.

So, there is a husband, wife and their child. A man works, a woman sits with her child. Coming home from work, a man wants to be alone (in the office or in the kitchen). On weekends it's the same. He communicates his desire in different ways - when he is calm, when he breaks down into a scream. He wants to “be together,” but rarely—once every two weeks or even less often.

Accordingly, his wife is offended that he does not take into account her wishes (she loves him and wants to be near him) and, even more so, does not take into account the interests of the family.

Well, the disposition is clear. Let's move on to clarifications.

Let's start with the main thing. A man rarely works his ass off because of his great love for work. If he loves his work, then he returns from it vigorous and cheerful, and willingly communicates with his family. And if he barely crawls and hides from everyone, then, very likely, the man doesn’t particularly like his job.

Therefore, he works hard and tiresomely so that his wife and child have money. That is, in fact, he is trying just for the sake of his family.

Once again, a man works hard at work not for his own sake. He works hard for the sake of his family.

From here it follows quite reasonably that in the situation described, a woman should thank her man. He works for her, and it’s just human to thank him for his work.

There is another good thing about gratitude - it helps a man recover faster. So he sits in his kitchen, and, in addition to fatigue, he is also gnawing at a feeling of guilt. It takes away the last remnants of strength - the man burns out completely (that’s why he rarely wants to “be together”).

Another thing is gratitude. When a man receives it, firstly, he will have increased strength - at the organismal level, gratitude is experienced as a very refreshing state.

Secondly, the burden of guilt will disappear - and the man will not have to cope with this feeling. All you have to do is sit for a while (or better yet, take a shower) just to come to your senses.

So, if a man receives gratitude and is allowed to rest a little (thirty to forty minutes, or even less), he will want to communicate again.

Because he loves his wife and his children.

By the way, the same thing is true in the other direction. If a woman was babysitting and didn’t have time to prepare dinner, there is no need to be offended and suffer - you can make yourself a sandwich and thank your wife for taking care of your children so much.

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Husband doesn't want to communicate: 15 comments

1. shonheit

   All this is true - thanking, appreciating, learning to listen to each other in a relationship is important.
   For me, the question for this article is different - why does the Husband do all sorts of things with his life to become so exhausted that he has to crawl home and not have the strength to see those for whom he is torturing himself so much. Who or what does it really work for? (I note that the Wife, “sitting” at home with the child (in fact, she is not sitting on the couch, but also working, only in a different way) can get tired just like her Husband.)
   It may be that Zhenya doesn’t need that much money there, if only because it is a consequence of such self-torture. Maybe the Wife doesn’t need money, but real, live communication with her Husband. Because if it is not there, the meaning of life in a couple somehow fades. The deepest IMHO.

   1. Pavel Zygmantovich Post author

      This big question. Intellectually, of course, one would need to sit down and analyze each case most carefully. Somewhere it will turn out to be the wife’s irrepressible demands, somewhere it will be the husband’s fantasies that his wife has irrepressible demands. Somewhere it turns out that it all depends on the region where the family lives, and somewhere it turns out that the husband simply has an unclaimed profession and it’s high time for him to undergo retraining.

      There are many, many other options besides those mentioned. You need to sit down and study - I very much agree with you that being busy at work is not always the best solution.

   2. Anonymous

      I think so too

   3. Riza

      I agree with you, my husband spends months on a business trip from morning to night, it’s hard to understand, but I don’t ask my husband for money, not gold, not clothes. I just want him to love and respect me. It’s not sweet for me either. I have no one in the village to communicate with, only with the child, I always sit at home alone and I also do everything around the house with my husband’s mother, I’ve been living here for almost 3 years now, my husband and I are already in life together he’s always on a business trip, I’m tired, I want a normal life with my husband, I like to live somewhere, I like to enjoy life, but he doesn’t seem to understand) What can I do? I also don’t know patience, patience, I think, but soon this patience may run out, I’m afraid!?

   4. Anonymous

      I agree Swami…..

2. Yulia Sinitsyna

   Oh, how simple it turns out. Thank you. For me, this article was very, very necessary))) Because I don’t understand men, I don’t understand them (but I passionately want to understand)))

3. Denis

   Thanks for support. I didn’t notice any feelings of guilt, but they definitely exist. I can’t be alone at home, and I noticed that if I stay at work for an hour, just sit alone with myself, recover, then everything is ok at home. But the feeling of guilt remains and is very disturbing.

4. Olga

   Wonderful article! And that's right. For those cases, of course, when a man works and gives all of himself to his family. Through work, of course. But what if the husband works just a little, and doesn’t work hard at all, and doesn’t really strive to earn money - and that’s enough, because the wife earns. But he still doesn’t sit at home, but goes out every day with friends until 2-3 am. And don’t cheat with another woman, but actually sit with friends until late. He comes home from work, bathes, eats (at this time he does not communicate, but sits in front of the TV or plays games on gadgets) and immediately leaves. Every, every day. And he seems to treat him well, and there is enough sex, and he feels comfortable at home (in his words). But there is no communication as such. Never goes out with his family and never goes out with his wife. Requests and explanations have no effect. Then how should we feel about this?

5. Natasha

   A man’s behavior will become clear when you see a conflict of interests (not people, but interests, I emphasize) between the mother of a three-year-old girl and the girl herself. The mother comes home from work, from the market, from the store - to choose from. What my daughter needs is communication, and more. What a mother needs is peace, even for five minutes.

6. Olga

   I tried to understand my husband and chat about all sorts of nonsense with my friends. But it got to the point where he stopped communicating with me altogether. He doesn’t even discuss the purchase of equipment, repairs, or any other important things for me. I consider this complete disrespect, it has reached the point. I feel like a free housekeeper and a prostitute. Before my pregnancy, we talked, walked, went shopping together. And now he’s just a cracker of a man. “I talked”, in the end nothing changed. He said that he loves and does not want a divorce. But he still doesn’t talk to me, he seems to be sitting at home after work and he doesn’t seem to be there, it’s generally better to be alone than to be married alone.
   I went to see my mother, I thought maybe she would get bored and at least call first. No, he acts as if he didn’t notice my absence. I think it's just good for him to live alone. So let him live.

7. Riza

   My husband is always at work on a business trip, I believe that he does not cheat on me, he works from morning to evening himself, he just doesn’t call when I call, he just doesn’t communicate, playing cards or watching a movie, and I’m in the village with my husband, my mother, I work at home, I don’t sit with anyone but common at home
   And I’m working at home and I’m pregnant, it seems like I don’t have enough attention, my husband says a little bit ramantic, I want a boring fishing for me for 30 minutes in general via phone, he says hello, how are you? look, you want to break up and the reason is you are looking for a friend to teach you, I’ll show them this way, it’s not really like that, he comes home, runs errands in the village in common with everyone, he only comes in to eat, in the evening with his mother, in general, I’m not very sleepy, I myself come up and hug him, he rarely, only Berot doesn’t hug or kiss whenever he wants and immediately sleeps, I don’t know what to think, I’m crying, I want to try, he’ll explain something, but I don’t think so

Hello! I don’t know which section to classify my problem into: Family, personal or love, but I feel that some kind of crisis has come in my relationship with my husband.
Our family: me (30), husband (35), have a daughter (5) and a son (2). The problem is not new - they often start swearing (we don’t have to shout, we can just talk), I am constantly offended by his words. I want to understand - the reason is me, I don’t react like that, do I need to understand something? Every time after a quarrel I feel very bad, I suffer, physically and mentally, I end up lashing out at the children..
Recently, after another conflict, we had a conversation about what a family is (his idea of ​​a family), love. What kind of relationship should there be between a husband and wife. He said that he doesn’t like the word “love”, he evaluates our relationship as respect, affection, trust, etc. But as a person who respects his partner can say and do certain things.
I will give examples. The first, not very beautiful example, which literally changed my attitude towards him, happened when we were driving in a car with his brother and wife, children to another city to visit relatives. I apologize for the details, after 2 hours on the way, he wanted to go to the toilet, he didn’t stop, citing a gas station in a couple of km. When it wasn’t there, I thought, well, I’ll be patient a little longer. We drove for another hour. Then I began to insist, because my bladder not rubber. He-wait, let's get to the nearest gas station... I feel bad. We passed one area for cars, then another. Then his brother began to tell him that he could stop. His husband was rude to him, almost sent him. in the end, they had a big fight. In general, a conflict out of nothing. I can’t understand to the depths of my soul, how can you treat your loved one so carelessly? After all, there was an opportunity to stop, and not alone. He later explained this by saying that he had a goal to achieve half way, then it will be possible to stop. We called him an egoist, although he didn’t understand why at all.
Another recent example: yesterday I went to the cinema (I go once every 1-2 months). My husband stayed at home with the children. I called before the show, while there was time, to find out how the children were? Did he feed them (let me explain - regarding food - my husband is absolutely helpless in this, he doesn’t know how to do anything or doesn’t want to, so if he stays with them, I leave him detailed instructions). I ask a rhetorical question: “Do you know how to cook soup?” (I wanted to ask him to heat up the broth for the children), he told me answered in such a tone as if I had insulted him - “Of course I can! But I won’t do it just because then you will have nothing to do”... uh, what to answer to this... I hung up because there’s no such thing I didn't expect it. And I started thinking, it seems like I perform the duties of a housewife normally, I like to cook, he praises me for it. But this phrase... for me it sounds like - “Woman, your place is in the kitchen!” When I came home, I tried to clarify what he meant, and that he offended me by this. The answer was “Yes, I do.” I think (that I will have nothing to do then), but what’s wrong with that?”
In general, I want to communicate with this person less and less. And it seems like it's mutual. We are both confused, it seems to me that he has forgotten how to talk to me normally.
His favorite phrase in conflicts is “Is it my fault again?” But I don’t want to look for those to blame! I want to find the reason for our constant quarrels, because everything follows the same scenario - He was rude, rude, shouted - I get offended (not always, when I can - I just swallow), we can’t talk for a day , two, there were more.
I can’t be offended for a long time, I almost always come up first, try to talk - he’s waiting for this, maybe he’ll hurt me again in a conversation, be rude. But then he “forgives”. I'm tired of this.
Maybe the reason is in his upbringing. His family has a similar scenario, only his mother is world-class! She never gets offended, swallows everything. Dad sits in the kitchen, and mom asks him, “Do you want coffee or tea?” Dad is silent, thoughtful. She again after a minute, “Well, should I pour you some coffee?” He’s silent.. I just want to say at such moments, “Leave him, let him pour it.” My husband has the same model of behavior.
For my part, I can say what I would like from a relationship, although maybe I idealize everything very much and it doesn’t happen like that. I don’t have enough attention, for example, to sit next to you and we talk about something. I want all sorts of pleasant things (at least sometimes , I understand that this is not always realistic) - to pour coffee, prepare breakfast, I want to lie in bed longer, and not get up at the first morning call of the child to feed, I want to have breakfast and dinner with everyone together, I want to feel for a person what I used to - what he is the best. But it doesn’t work out anymore.