Hello! I am 26 years old. My boyfriend is also 26. He works, I’m finishing university. We are, as they say, two boots in a pair, both infantile and live with our parents.
We've been dating for 3.5 years. This is his first serious relationship. I had a boyfriend before him, but essentially there was nothing serious either.
At first, our meetings with the young man were infrequent; we met mostly once a week, sometimes on weekdays. We were both students, hanging out with friends and enjoying student life! In essence, the relationship was more reminiscent of friendship than love, we chatted a lot, got to know each other, made love, but at the same time we both had freedom of action and at that moment I didn’t need anything more.
But the years passed and after two years of relationship, when he graduated from university, I raised the topic of marriage for the first time, to which the young man, to my surprise, replied that he was already planning to propose to me. Then there was the summer, which he spent with relatives abroad, and in the fall he went to work and nothing changed in the relationship, but only got worse. He didn’t make any offer to me and I didn’t raise this topic again. We began to see him less and less, we began to quarrel more often, and for the first time thoughts about breaking up were heard. Then I finally tried to find out, what about the offer, why doesn’t he make it to me? Then he told me that I need another person who can give me what I want, who can provide for me, but he cannot yet earn enough to support his family, and he himself does not know when he will be able to. Although I won’t say that he earned little. All he could offer me was to continue our relationship as it was before, if I still needed it. He is a good person, and besides, I know that he is not cheating on me, that he basically strives to make money and is generally positive. Besides, I love him. And I decided that it was worth waiting for him, but I no longer wanted to leave my loved one.
But the desire to have a family became stronger and stronger, many girlfriends started families and had children. And I still continued my incomprehensible and even childish relationship. I still don’t know the guy’s parents; we have never lived together.
And now, after three years of relationship, I realized that they are standing still and not developing. All my attempts to somehow correct the situation do not lead to positive results. The guy refused the offer to live together, because... does not want to live in a “civil marriage”. He also doesn’t respond to my desire to meet his parents. All he currently offers me is to wait. He says he might be following. year he will save money and propose to me. As a matter of fact, it is not yet a fact that this will follow. year, and not after 3 or even 5 years. Because I noticed him that he talks a lot and does little.
Well, I’m just behaving terribly, constantly terrorizing him with the topic of marriage, one way or another all my conversations and discussions come down to this favorite topic. How well my friends live in their marriage, what a wonderful child my friend has, how much I want it all, etc. I simply can’t not talk about this topic anymore, the boiling point has been reached and I’m only ruining our relationship with my whining.
And my question is, how can I calm down and live in peace, without talking about marriage with him at all and without bothering him with this topic? And I would also like to know if my boyfriend is messing with me, judging by his behavior, maybe I shouldn’t believe his words and talking about a proposal is just an attempt to keep me, but in fact he doesn’t need anything?

Our relationship is not developing. Why did the relationship stop developing? Relationships do not move forward, everything stands still.

Concerned women and girls often write to the specialists of our Love-911 service. They cannot understand why the man with whom she started dating and with whom she thought they had mutual feelings does not take any steps to develop their relationship? The woman expects that he will want to meet more often, introduce him to friends and parents, but this does not happen, the relationship seems to be hanging, and it is unknown: what to expect next, whether he is planning to separate, or whether this is a normal development of events.

And then the woman doesn’t understand: why is this happening, why the relationship stopped developing, and what to do? Many make attempts to change the situation, some begin to actively attack and put pressure on their partner, others, on the contrary, try to provoke and show coldness towards him. In some cases this helps, but in others they are futile and even worsen the situation.

Of course, if you are faced with the same problem, and your attempts to get closer to a man and develop a relationship have not been successful, then it is difficult to say offhand why this happened. There may be a lot of reasons for this, so it’s better to contact the specialists of our Love-911 service directly, they will help you figure it out and give you the necessary recommendations.

However, based on experience, we can name some reasons why the relationship does not develop and the man does not make attempts to become closer to you. This will help you understand the problem and correct and develop relationships.

Why don't relationships develop?

1. You talk a lot and don't listen.

You probably understand that the little things that make us either touched by a person or, conversely, irritate us, are very important to start a relationship.
One of these little things for men is often excessive female talkativeness.
For women, this is in many ways a way to relieve tension: when nervous, they chat incessantly, but for men it is a machine-gun shot that you can’t turn off when you want.
This may seem like a frivolous reason for you to refuse a relationship, but when communicating with men, this factor is far from in last place.

And all because:
Firstly, when you talk a lot, a man experiences fear at the mere thought of building a relationship, because if you talk so much now, then “brain blowing” in marriage will be ensured.
Secondly, men believe that a woman who talks a lot is inattentive to what worries him, to what he talks and talks about.
For men, it is very important to be significant and this significance must be maintained in him from the very beginning of your communication with him.

Therefore, if you notice that you talk a lot, then try to listen carefully to your man and show interest in what he says. If you are really not interested in what he says, then maybe you shouldn’t communicate?

2. The man doesn't trust you.

It is important that a man can trust you, only then will he consider the possibility of developing a relationship with you. If a man doesn’t trust you, then he can only perceive you as a sex partner.
The trust factor, of course, depends on your behavior and how you present yourself.
What is important here is: how and where did you meet, what did you look like, what were you wearing, how do you communicate with men, do you have many male friends, are you honest with your man?
If you have many such friends, then the man will not trust you, since the men themselves consider all such friends as potential lovers. It is only from a woman’s perspective that a man can be a friend; from a man’s perspective, friendship is good, but friendly sex is better.
Also, don’t forget about social networks: what kind of friends do you have there, what photos do you post there, what is written in your profile, are there any factors compromising you?
If you want a man to want to develop a relationship with you, then gain his trust.
But here you need to find a middle ground: you can’t just stop communicating with everyone, remove all photos from the Internet and generally forget about friends of the opposite sex. It is necessary to behave correctly if you want the relationship to not stop at some point again, reaching, for example, a civil marriage. To do this, you need the man to trust you, but at the same time understand that you can be taken away from him, then the man will not only want to develop the relationship, he will not delay proposing marriage.

3. You criticize a man and question his words.

It is important for a man to be accepted for who he is. Women, on the other hand, often constantly criticize their men: “You don’t give flowers, you don’t take them to restaurants, you dress wrong, you don’t talk like that.” You can continue ad infinitum. Who among us is without shortcomings?
Remember that a man will run headlong from a woman who criticizes him and expresses her dissatisfaction.
This doesn’t mean at all that you have to babysit men and endure everything that doesn’t suit you, but it’s one thing to say what you want to get, and quite another to say that they’re not giving you something.
So, for example, instead of saying: “You don’t give me flowers,” you can say: “I really want you to give me flowers.”

Instead of: “You don’t take me to restaurants” - “Invite me to a restaurant.”
Thus, you do not make claims, do not criticize the man, but simply say what you want. And a man who has feelings for you will gladly give you flowers and invite you to a restaurant, and also say thank you that you told him what you want from him.
Yes, of course, I want sensitivity and greater understanding on the part of men, but this is not their strong point. Sensitivity is a feminine thing, so be lenient and accept men for who they are.

4. A man has a different goal.

We must also say that perhaps your relationship is not developing because the man met you not in order to develop a relationship, but simply for the sake of regular sex.
It is clear that for every man, when communicating with a woman at the initial stage, sex is important and interesting. However, for a complete man, sex is not the only reason for communication. A normal guy, and especially a man, will pursue the goal of developing.
Another thing is that a man, dating a woman, began to lose interest in her, then we need to figure it out: what exactly was interesting to him in her, and what exactly attracted him?

Thus, we have listed the most common reasons why relationships do not develop. And, if, after analyzing, you see that one of them concerns you, then try to change the situation and, perhaps, then your relationship will begin to develop.

Sex instead of love

The first option is that relationships are built not on love, but on sex. In this case, the relationship may not develop, because the guy does not see you as a person with whom he wants to build something, but only an object of desire. If you understand that only bed connects you with a man, then most likely you should not hope for the development of such a relationship. No matter how modern and liberated this world may be, if a man initially felt a sexual craving and immediately got what he wanted, but at the same time he did not develop sympathy and love, then in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred, the woman will become only a sexual object for the guy, with which he will have a good time with and which he will forget about as soon as he meets someone who he really likes.

Love destroys life

The second option is that a relationship with a man does not develop, because his feelings are simply burned out. In this case, the woman needs to make sure that the young man shows interest in you again. Perhaps the reason that the guy began to cool down towards you is routine and everyday life. There are often cases when love burns out due to the fact that a girl relaxes, stops taking care of herself, is not interested in the life of a young man, and does not try to somehow diversify everyday life. In this case, if the guy still has feelings, you need to quickly change your behavior. Remember what the young man liked most about you, take the initiative, let him receive pleasant surprises from you. If you do everything right, then there is a high chance that the relationship will move forward.

Fear of feelings

The third option is fear. It happens that relationships between people do not develop due to the fact that the guy simply begins to be afraid of his emotions. This is what happens when a young man pursues a lady’s heart for a long time and finally gets it. Or when he begins to realize that he is losing his self-control because of his love for a woman. In this case, you should talk to your boyfriend, because it is known that all problems can be solved only if you talk about them. Therefore, let your young man honestly admit what bothers him, and you try to explain to him that his feelings will not bring him grief and you will try to do everything so that he does not doubt your love.

Big demands

The fourth option is that the relationship does not develop because the young man is disappointed. This happens in cases when a guy does a lot for the sake of a girl, changes, eradicates bad habits, abandons some principles, but over time, it seems to him that the woman does not appreciate these actions, and moreover, she demands more and more. Therefore, if you really love a person and know that he is trying for you, stop demanding everything from him. Even if you are sure that you are doing it solely for his benefit. We should not forget that in the case when someone changes himself for the sake of another, without fully realizing the desire to change, in the end, it either breaks him or he breaks down. If you understand that the guy simply couldn’t stand the pressure and therefore leaves the relationship, try to show him how much you appreciate all his actions. But most importantly, emphasize that you love him despite the disadvantages that you notice and his advantages are much more important to you. If a loving person sees that he is accepted and understood, he will definitely develop the relationship further and try to become even better.

Hello, Elena!

It seems that people sometimes actually create their own vicious circle with their own hands, which they then walk around. Your situation, which you described, is very similar to walking in a circle, from which it would seem you have neither the strength nor the knowledge of how to do it.

In my opinion, your relationship has already reached its peak, so it needs to move to another level. Therefore, if you feel it, but he hasn’t yet, then there are two ways:

1) wait until it ripens;

2) do not wait, but act decisively.

With the first option, walking in a circle will continue and it is not a fact that the circle will break. Your loved one may never be ready for life together. Apparently, something scared him too much in his previous family life, and now he is afraid of it. But he apparently doesn’t want to do anything about his fear, or doesn’t know how. In any case, the first option is very risky. Some men are conservative by nature, and therefore, if he has already set a course to follow some path, it will be extremely difficult for him to turn around. There is also such a thing as the power of habit and your own comfort zone. Apparently, he is now more comfortable this way and he does not want to change anything about it because he subconsciously remembers a failed family life with a previous woman. And his subconscious tells him that if he just starts living with you, then the same thing will happen. If this is really the reason, then it is better to let him understand or seriously talk to him about the fact that in any case, it will not be the same as it was before. You are different, not like any of the women, which means that with you next to you everything will be different!!!

The second option does not mean that any kind of aggression or obsessive persistence is needed, as many understand by the word “determination.” This word means that once you have chosen a goal, follow it effectively, and not theoretically or hypothetically. This is a very important point. And, in any case, it is already brewing for you. It cannot be otherwise. Any promising relationship requires continuation and development!!! And you already feel that time is approaching another stage in your relationship. In practice, you need to choose a convenient moment and its mood, mood so that you can seriously discuss the status of your relationship. Tell him that it's time for both of you to move to another level in your relationship so it can grow. And that you are also afraid in some way of family relationships because you also have had it in life, but you do not want to hide from your future and do not want to preserve your love for it. After all, then love will have nowhere to grow! With this method, it is very important not to talk to your loved one with “YOU” messages. For example, DO NOT TELL him: “Don’t be afraid of family life with me” (I’m writing approximately as an example of a communication model), but it’s better to SAY this way: “I don’t think you should be afraid of continuing the relationship” or “It seems to me that It’s better to develop relationships rather than simplify them” and everything like that. Any “I” message, no matter what it is, always softens the situation and the perception of the interlocutor. Try to find this moment to talk to him.

And I sincerely wish you rapprochement and reunion!!! ;-)))

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You and him. You have been dating for a long time, but he is a very busy person, he has a lot of worries and work, and therefore less often than he would like. Once or twice a month, at most, you go out to a restaurant or cafe, then, seized by impulses of mutual passion, you go to your place, spend a stormy night, and in the morning he kisses you tenderly and goes back to work for two weeks. No, he has not forgotten you, on the contrary, he is very attentive and gentle, he constantly calls, asks how your day went, talks about his day. And everything seems great. You're in luck! You have a great friend and lover!

But something is still not right. Somehow this all seems wrong to you. There is not the slightest attempt on his part to bring your relationship closer and continue at a deeper level. And you have already dispersed, so to speak, all the men in anticipation of a stormy, successful romance. But romance is just stagnant. You never even quarrel, basically because you hardly see each other and there is nothing to complain about. And say directly, as a friend advised: “I love you. You me too. Let's live together! " you can't. Because by nature you are such a person that to say this is like death. However, you know perfectly well what you want: to fall asleep and wake up next to him. For a man to be with you every evening. Even if it is a civil marriage, without stamps in the passport, the main thing is that he is with you.

Get out of the vicious circle

You have a great character. You are tolerant, tactful, smart, beautiful, purposeful. It’s always interesting to be with you, there’s no shame in society and great in bed. Communicating with you is a real pleasure, easy and relaxed. You are perfect! Why disturb such harmony? You are happy with everything and do not ask for anything for this. Is everything exactly like that? No, not like that. And this means that you need to be able to stand up for yourself and turn the romance in the right direction yourself, since there is no action from your partner.

Become unpredictable, completely disrupt the usual rhythm of your relationship. A little inconsistency. So that he wakes up and finally begins to realize that not everything is so smooth.

For example, he calls you every evening after ten. Turn off your phone. One, two, three evenings in a row. What's happened? Yes, nothing special, there were all sorts of things.

Just take a short break. And everything is fine. Panic will begin. He will begin to sense that you are slipping away from his hands and nets. He's an intelligent man! What would an intellectual do in this situation? Increase your attention! After all, he likes you and doesn’t want to lose you! Everything will calm down a little, start again. Come up with something immediate that he doesn't expect. For example, after dinner at a restaurant you express that you are very sorry, but you cannot continue the banquet today, for example, an important meeting. Leave him in heavy thoughts.

Of course, after all this, he will ask what is happening to you. Have you found someone else, have your feelings cooled? In other words, he himself will come to a serious conversation. But this is exactly what you need! And now you can calmly explain who you love and what your plans are for the future. If the end of the conversation does not suit you, you have every right to be offended. Give some kind of ultimatum. And either he accepts it or he doesn’t. And if he really loves you and doesn’t want to lose you, then he will have to accept it.

Risky, yes. But, as they say, those who don’t take risks don’t drink champagne!