Are you trying to find the answer to the question: what to do if your child has come under the bad influence of a peer or, even worse, an entire company? Then you just need to familiarize yourself with the advice of psychologists and know how to behave in a given situation.
Kindergarten
Child psychologists say that as soon as a child begins to attend kindergarten, parents need to be prepared for the fact that his behavior will change, and perhaps someone will influence him in a not entirely positive way. The fact is that children find themselves in a completely different environment, different from the one to which they are accustomed at home. And, of course, the first and natural reaction will be misunderstanding and denial, but do not despair! First of all, parents should not focus on the negative actions of the child and not focus his attention on them. Instead, try to encourage your child by rewarding his good behavior with small rewards, such as stickers, small toys and other small gifts.
Advice: Children usually change very quickly better side, but provided that parents and teachers make some effort to do this. As soon as you notice that your child has begun to behave badly, you need to immediately talk to the teacher and act together.
Primary school
As your child grows, so will your concern for him. It may no longer be easy to ask your child not to be friends with one of his classmates. Children learn to object already in the very early age, and, often, what is forbidden is of particular interest to them. But despite this, you need to do everything in your power and guide your children in the right direction. Surely, you know families in which there are children of the same age as yours, and the parents share your position in life. Agree on going to visit each other, on joint trips to nature, and visiting the theater. And don't forget to reward your child for good behavior.
High school
It often happens that difficult teenagers are drawn to positive peers, and positive ones, in turn, are drawn to risky and thoughtless actions. You can help your older child by instilling in him trust in you and self-confidence. Your task is to make sure that your child is confident that he is an individual, then he will not blindly follow someone. Try to ensure that the teenager's energy finds a positive outlet; playing sports or helping social organizations can help him with this.
Sometimes you have to take tough measures
Sometimes it happens that you just need to set some strict boundaries. This is especially true if the child has fallen into bad company and the situation has gone so far that it is no longer possible to close your eyes (for example, the child has become uncontrollable or has started drinking alcohol). It is necessary to prohibit the child from communicating with one of his peers or an entire company, and it may even be necessary to transfer him to another school.
If the situation is not yet that difficult, then you can ask the child not to communicate with anyone, but you will have to give objective reasons, talk to the child and give him a very clear explanation of why you are doing this. For example, you can tell your child that that teenager is stealing (if this is true), and that you are very worried that he is a bad influence on others and it will be better for everyone if all contact with him is severed. Be sure to emphasize that your opinion and request must be respected. Then you need to supervise your child. Experts believe that the most the best way will help your children make the right decision themselves in a given situation, however, if this is not possible, you need to use your parental authority.
Psychologists recommend that parents listen to their intuition in any situation – and this situation is no exception. Despite the fact that you cannot control every step of your child, and especially when he becomes a teenager, you need to influence him and set boundaries of what is permitted. It's your job!
Parents try their best to make sure their child behaves well. He was neat and polite, respected his elders and did not offend his peers. And for the baby, the word of the parents is the ultimate truth. For the time being... Once a child makes his first friends, he begins to absorb their behavior. Everything would be fine, but what to do if this influence is negative?
When a child is sent to kindergarten, he meets a large number of children. Some of them are well-bred, while others are simply uncontrollable and cruel. The baby begins to compare what is allowed to him and what is allowed to other children. Trying to please other children, he falls under the influence of a more active child. And the mother begins to notice that the previously obedient baby has completely changed.
The mother of a three-year-old girl, Marina, shared her concerns on the forum:
I sent my daughter Polina to kindergarten. I picked her up almost at the same time as other mothers, and observed the children’s behavior. One boy, Sasha, was simply unbearable. He ran out onto the road at a traffic light, hit his mother on the leg with his pen and screamed loudly. The picture is terrible. And recently I began to notice the same habits in my Polina. I tell her that she can’t behave like that. And she told me: but Sasha is allowed.
In fact, you can often hear from parents that a company or friend has a bad influence on their child.
Bad company
Your baby has begun to behave differently than usual. He has become aggressive and does not respond to his parents' requests. And you already realized that it was all the fault of the neighbor’s child.
Here are some tips to help protect your child from bad influences:
Try, at all costs, to remain an absolute authority for the child. The child will try it on you new model behavior. Show that you will not tolerate this behavior again.
Explain to your child that no one else but his new friend behaves this way. There is no need to take an example from him. The way he acts only makes things worse for everyone.
Don't force your child's friends. Firstly, by forbidding him to be friends with someone, you will cause a backlash. And secondly, children must learn to understand people, otherwise adult life it will be very difficult for them.
Under no circumstances should you be manipulated by your child. He may throw a tantrum, demanding new toy, just because his friend got her that way. Let the child understand that nothing will be achieved this way. It is better to buy him this toy after some time as a reward for a good deed.
If possible, try to make friends with your baby's friend. Go for a walk outside the garden, meet his parents. Perhaps you will correct the behavior of someone else's child and make sure that your family will have a positive influence on him.
Give your child the opportunity to find new friends. In the yard or section. The more friends he has, the less negative influence one child will have.
Talk to your child about friendship. What kind of person can you call a friend? Are all his friends like this? How will a true friend behave?
It is difficult for a mother whose child has come under bad influence to restrain herself from lectures and prohibitions. But right now the child needs a trusting relationship. The experience of such friendship will help him to understand people well in the future.
Normal family life does not exclude conflicts and periods of crisis. The eternal conflict between “fathers and sons” becomes especially aggravated as the child enters adolescence. To a young man it seems that he is not understood in the family, especially if the parents do not share his tastes, his life position and spiritual interests. The search begins for “people on the side” who could understand the teenager, provide support, and approve. It is at this moment that the danger of a child falling into a totalitarian sect increases many times over, especially since these organizations conduct targeted work to recruit new members.
It is very easy for a teenager to join a sect. The fact is that the sect welcomes the “neophyte” incredibly cordially, creating the illusion of an absolutely safe and friendly environment. This special technique is called "love bombing." Having won the teenager’s trust, the sect includes him in the following processes of psychological treatment. In this case, one of the main goals is to isolate a person from his surroundings, socially significant people that could influence his beliefs. The teenager’s relatives are precisely such people, so the sect deals its first blow to the family. Cult members replace family members. Conditions are created for a person that he is forced to change his relatives, brothers and sisters to “spiritual” ones from the sect, his father and mother to spiritual mentors (teachers, gurus). As a result, the child ceases to perceive his parents as socially significant people, moreover (and not without the help of the sect), he sees in them the causes of his troubles and is able to show aggression and commit immoral acts. Parents who are unable to explain to themselves the reasons for such rapid changes in the child’s personality can aggravate the conflict with their reactions. A feeling of resentment for the actions of a son or daughter, an accusation of ingratitude, will only increase the abyss of alienation, and there will be a threat of the teenager leaving the family for a sect.
Please note if your child has:
1. Interests have changed. He is less interested in family affairs, has become indifferent to communicating with friends, has lost interest in studying, and in general in his usual entertainment and hobbies.
2. Behavior has changed. A person reacts inappropriately or aggressively to everyday, familiar things, and shows marked indifference to everything.
3. Speech has changed. You may find that he uses characteristic expressions, words, and terms that are new to him. When proving something, he often cites strange, unusual quotes as examples. The very manner of speaking can give the impression of a “broken record” due to repetitive, as if memorized speeches.
4. Habits have changed. He adheres to an unusual diet for him and has changed his clothing style. He devotes a lot of time to reading books, and also diligently meditates or reads prayer texts.
5. Money spending has changed. There is an unjustified increase in cash costs and pocket expenses (for children).
How to prevent a child from becoming involved in a cult?
1. Talk to your children more often, do not leave them alone with the problems they have.
2. If the child has become withdrawn, talk to him, find out what is bothering him, and if you find out that he has made new friends and goes to some “sermons”, attends sections where he is instilled with hostility towards his family and loved ones , take a vacation and travel with your child away from his new friends.
3. If a conversation with a child does not work out, seek help from a qualified psychologist.
4. If you realized it too late, when your child began to resemble a “zombie,” take him to a clinic where psychotherapists will work with him.
5. Tell your child that he can make any vows he wants, but if he shares them with you, this will not be a violation of them, and you will be able to come to his aid in time.
6. A child always finds himself captive of his fears, and only you can help him step over it.
7. But you don’t need to laugh at your child’s fears, as you only make your work more difficult. Be sensitive in your dealings with your children.
If it turns out that a young man or girl has fallen into a destructive cult, the main thing is not to panic! It is worth finding out how long he (she) has been attending the group and how interested he is in it. The longer a child stays in a sect, the deeper his separation from the family will be. Therefore, parents should worry and start immediately collecting information about the features of the cult and searching for competent specialists (possibly exit consultants), people who have deep professional knowledge and could provide real help.
When communicating with a child, one must avoid confrontation and not criticize the group being visited and its members. Criticizing the cult will lead to negative immediate reactions. The fact is that the personality of a teenager who has been in a sect for a long time undergoes a significant transformation, which is reflected in a neurotic and inadequate response to any negative information about the sect. It is actively repressed from consciousness. If a teenager commits actions that go beyond ethical boundaries, one should have courage and calmly tolerate such behavior. We must understand that this happens due to a deep intrapersonal conflict. It is worth spending more time with the child and more often inviting him to dialogue from the “adult-to-adult” position. You can also show your teen an interest in his cult activities and even ask him to visit the organization with him someday. This will increase his trust in his parents and reduce tension in relationships, and in-depth acquaintance with the group will give him experience of what approaches should be used in communicating with the child. You can also include soft control methods and carefully monitor the funds the teenager spends and the amount of time he spends in the cult.
However, even this type of communication will not lead to a teenager who is completely dependent on the group and emotionally involved in its activities leaving the sect. Without the help of specialists, it is almost impossible to tear a person out of a cult without causing significant damage to his mental health. Therefore, it is worth seeking help from specialists - exit consultants. In this case, it is worth taking into account such factors as: professional education of these people (necessarily psychological), work experience, possible certificates and payment for services.
You need to look for a consultant in your city. If you’re on the Internet, then type in the search “help for victims of religious sects” and the name of your city. If the city is small, then the nearest large center.
Website material used: www.anticekta.ru
Nice article
Is it true that our children were “good boys” before they met Vasya, Petya, and Zhora? Are our children really ready to be spoiled by the influence of their friends?
First, your child went to kindergarten and within a week he was “delighted” with new words in his vocabulary. It’s quite natural that you asked who taught your little one bad words and, having received a comprehensive answer, immediately asked your child to stay away from the tomboy.
Naturally, it is impossible to protect our child from many things. Yes, and it is difficult to forbid friendship with a guilty boy; he could utter swear words without understanding their meaning. The most important thing is that nothing terrible happened, you just need to react correctly.
On the path of life you will have to listen to other things, so covering your child’s ears is not a way out of the situation. Here it is important not to spank for wrongdoing, but to explain what the child is facing. Parents should not be on the opposite barricade, but nearby. Suffice it to say that cultured people don’t talk like that and ask them not to do it again.
Children absorb everything like a sponge. It is enough for “friends” to say that throwing mud at a passerby or pushing a child into a puddle is funny and the child can change his worldview. The list of nonsense can be continued indefinitely; this may include more or less harmless antics and illegal actions.
Children, like adults, are surrounded by temptations everywhere; the only difference is that adults, due to their experience, can refuse some, but children are ready to believe all offers. Arm yourself with arguments and explain to the child that the act is ugly and unworthy, there is no need to read morals, it is better to justify your words.
Children who are not allowed to take a step without parental control are more easily influenced by bad influences. The whole point is that your child needs relaxation; he should have his own time to communicate with peers. Children want to have fun, frolic and have fun, and the more control they have, the higher the likelihood of falling under the influence of others and refusing the proposed adventure.
How to properly respond to bad influences? For example, a friend encourages your daughter to throw eggs from the balcony. Your actions should be aimed at convincing the child that this cannot be done. And my friend does this because she doesn’t understand how this could end. After the conversation, the daughter should learn to give a decisive rebuff to such proposals.
If the source of bad influence continues to pester your child, then you can try to talk with his parents. Naturally, you may encounter misunderstanding on their part; for them, their baby is the best, who is not capable of “such nasty things.” Or it may turn out that they are simply not interested in raising their child.
Have you encountered a misunderstanding? Change where you walk, this will reduce unpleasant communication to a minimum. Try not to lose sight of the child so that you can intervene if necessary, but there is one drawback - hypercontrol. Don’t interfere with trifles; leave your child his own personal space.
A very patronized situation - an excellent student made friends with an inveterate hooligan, and now this couple is inseparable. Parents are perplexed; a “bad” child is controlling their “child,” who is simply confused. In fact, the boys became friends to compensate weaknesses each other. One has strength and courage, the other has intelligence.
Find out why an unwanted friend is so aggressive, maybe he doesn't get enough attention in his own family? If he wants to spend a lot of time with you, then he hopes to receive the missing love from you, try not to push the boy away. Observe from the outside how children communicate with each other and it will become clear to you whether children complement each other or whether one subordinates the other.
It happens that a child falls under the influence of a “commander” who completely leads and makes decisions. You cannot demand leadership from an obedient and quiet child; a “quiet” child will happily find someone who will take upon himself the courage to make decisions. Before molding a child into a personality, determine his character and ambitions. Do not demand leadership qualities from the “follower”.
Each family has its own set rules; if one day a child sees that a friend is given more freedom, he may demand the same from you. His actions are limited, which means he is not trusted. Despite the scandals and prohibitions, children will be away from home more, trying to imitate their friends. In this situation, it would be useful to reconsider some prohibitions and allow the child to make independent decisions.
If a teenager provokes fights and scandals, offends the weak, then he has low self-esteem. One of the reasons is the suppressive attitude of parents. It will be better if a psychologist intervenes in the situation.
Often their parents do not like the actions of children; do not impose your opinion. Show him all the pros and cons of this situation, and let him make the choice himself. Sometimes you need to gain negative experience, it will allow you to do correct conclusions and no longer fall into the trap. In any situation, support your child and remain his best friend.
My son is 25 years old. He has been living in the Hare Krishna temple for half a year now. Completely subordinate to the monks living there. Unquestioningly fulfills all the requirements of seniors in the hierarchy. He is no longer interested in anything that happens outside the walls of this temple.
I clearly realize that I am losing my son forever, but, clutching at straws, I turn for help to Andrei Nikolaevich Kochergin, whose opinion back in December 2011 meant a lot to my son.
Help please!
Support the site:
Lyudmila, age: 45 / 05/16/2012
Responses:
Lyudmila, sorry, I’m not A.N. Kochergin, but I want to support you, don’t despair! Everything in our life is fixable. Your son is alive, he is simply mistaken. The main thing is to pray for him and don’t despair. People return from sects, it’s worse when the son is a drug addict, or a terrorist fanatic, or a complete alcoholic... Everything is much more complicated here. Your love and patience makes a huge difference! And your prayers for your son! God bless you!
Nika, age: 29 / 05/17/2012
Why do you think you are losing him? Hare Krishnas are not a sect, but a faith and a distinct way of life.
Maybe you should learn more about this? And not interfere?
It seems to me that if this has happened, then you should adapt to this situation: understand your son, calm down and come to terms with the fact that he is free to choose his own path and this path will not always coincide with your desires.
But if you start to interfere, then you will definitely lose him...
After all, he didn't grow up to be a drug addict, a murderer, or an alcoholic. Well, this is what happened now. You need to adapt.
O., age: 25 / 05/17/2012
Thank you for your feedback and support. I would not have made a huge tragedy out of what happened if this “organization” had not locked my son in and turned him away from reality. He became a well-educated, moral(?) lifestyle, God-fearing ZOMBIE. In religion, a person inclined to escapism from reality becomes a monk. And there are very few such people relative to all believers. Where my son is now, everyone is moving away from reality. How can a mother accept, understand and adapt, realizing the fact that a twenty-five-year-old guy bathes deities in the evenings, gives them milk and puts them to bed...?! And this is the least thing that worries me. Everyone around me keeps telling me that, most importantly, that he is not a drug addict or an alcoholic, that this is temporary, that he will come to his senses, that Hare Krishnas are quiet and calm, similar to “happy” people, that perhaps this is his the life path he should take. It is very little consolation when we are talking about our own son, who, instead of the usual values: (home, family, work), has gone into a completely different coordinate system and rejects EVERYTHING that is not related to the teachings of Krishna.
The expanse for conclusions is the sea, while we stand on the sidelines. In reality, everything is much more “real”... And this reality is scary. And in
This reality is a struggle for life and death. Just the thought of HOW a FANATIC could be used in religion took away my peace. At certain moments in life, a person can be vulnerable and fishers of human souls take advantage of this. Personal boundary
“recognition” of good and evil changes... And the person close to you “leaves.” He is better “there”... it seems so to him. I did not forbid my son to follow this path, understanding that he was free to choose his own path, but I also did not accept his decision. I learned too much alarming information when I started making inquiries about a local religious organization. Otherwise, I wouldn’t ring the bells. Everything is very serious.
Lyudmila, age: 45 / 05/17/2012
It seems to me that the best thing is to contact the Counseling Center of St. Righteous John of Kronstadt. There are experienced specialists there, they can advise and help.
Well, pray, of course. A mother's prayer will reach you from the bottom of the sea. You are Orthodox, a member of the church, and you take communion? If not yet, then you need to do it! Necessarily! The Lord will give you grace, and your son can receive it from you - even at a distance. God help you, Lyudmila. I pray too.
Julia, age: 34 / 05/17/2012
Good evening, Lyudmila! I want to tell you that you, as a mother, can do a lot for your son. After all, maternal bonds are the strongest. I think that in such a zombie state as your son is in, no one is an argument for him. I hope , you have already understood WHAT forces are acting on him. If you haven’t understood yet, I advise you to quickly understand your spiritual state, this may now be the most important thing for him, because your unrepentant sins fall on him too! It can’t be that you had nothing to reproach yourself with. But our children suffer for such “little things”! Take care of your spiritual cleansing, and you will help your son a lot with this. Secondly, you yourself are unlikely to be able to remove the hypnotic obsessions under which he found himself. unequal forces! So turn to someone who has the power to do this. I don’t mean healers and psychics, no, I mean the Creator. Because of our sins, we do not have the power to drive away the unclean who cloud our consciousness, but you ask for the powers of heaven, the Mother of God, the Guardian Angel to help you. Until you call on them for help, everything will not be for the future. How I would like to help you with at least something else... Yes, here’s another thing, in the Pskov-Pechersk Monastery in the caves, there are the relics of St. Lazarus, and for many he helps. My grandfather lived in this monastery for six months, talked a lot about the wonderful help and reprimands that take place there (he said it was just fear). So I think it was only my grandfather’s prayers that saved me from despair and complete death. So you go to the saints places, and you will ease your soul, and you will help your son, and you will find strength and hope. God bless you!
Sister, age: 33 / 05/18/2012
Lyudmila, I read your response below. In my first message I advised you to adapt. Thank you, you wrote it in more detail!
Then we must act. Indeed, find those whose opinion is important to your son. Ask for help.
Or another option - use a trick. Let your son know that he is needed at home now (tell him that you are sick, etc.). Maybe new emotions (pity, fear of losing you, etc.) will shake him up and return him to everyday life...
Or better yet, consult a psychologist on how best to “pull” him out of there. Let a specialist give you qualified advice.
I wish you good luck, Lyudmila! Be sure to write later how it all turned out for you!
O., age: 25 / 05/18/2012
As a mother, I understand you, but remember that your son is an adult and this is his freedom of choice, so only prayer, everything else will turn him away from you. let him see in you respect for his choice, do not push for pity, this is manipulation. This won't help for long. The Lord loves him more than you, we cannot understand this, but it is so. Trust God. God help you
Olga, age: 51 / 05/18/2012
Lyudmila, good afternoon! I am so familiar with the situation that your son found himself in. I am writing from my own experience - they don’t go there because of a good life. I came to the Hare Krishnas when I was left alone in a strange city without work or money. It was a search for answers to a bunch of questions - why this is so, what to do, and also a complete reluctance to take responsibility for one’s life. I believe that the knowledge that is presented in this religion is extremely useful; much of that period helps me now. Due to pragmatism, there was still a will left at that time, and I did not live in the temple - I simply went to lectures and services. I am sure that the path of a monk is suitable for 1 in a million, and is unlikely to suit your son)) What you can do: 1. do not nag, do not criticize religion, communicate with your son without focusing on his faith (for example, if you are visiting He doesn’t eat meat, calmly add potatoes), just ask how he’s doing, how’s his mood, don’t judge religion, talk only about neutral things
2. It would be great to slowly draw him out of the walls of the temple, for example, offer to go to a museum, an exhibition, or a vegan cafe, finally.
-here: be sure to ask for help (bring bags from the store, fix something, help at the dacha...it’s not necessary to get sick) A self-respecting Hare Krishna honors his mother and helps her)) You should urgently need him as an assistant - if you have husband, tell him that he is busy and there is no one to help, son, help)) If he refuses, be gentle, son, well, who will help me, it won’t last long. The main thing is not to be demanding, but just by chance. Will give in, for sure. Thank him for everything, as if he did a heroic deed.
3. When pp1 and pp2 are completed - 2 months, he can try to talk to you about his faith - here it is important not to lose your temper (I understand how a mother feels about faith and the people who took her son), listen, nod, show interest
It is important for you to establish contact with your son (so that he stops seeing you as an enemy), restore trust (most likely through point 3), and gently, lovingly show your son that life is more multifaceted than a temple, and slowly unfold it. Until he trusts you, be strong. I am sure that you, as a mother, understand that this can only be treated through love, acceptance and gentleness. People wrote to you correctly: pray for him (a mother’s prayer is always heard) and communicate with him with love, not pity. He is not disabled, but a person in search. It seems to me that in six months or a year he will leave the temple, remain in the faith, but will no longer be a monk. I wish you to establish contact with your son, love and mutual understanding. I'm sure you will succeed!!!
Katyusha, age: 27 / 06/02/2012
Thank you very much to everyone who responded with a desire
help me with advice. The only thing I can do now
do, pray. Son refuses to communicate
any topics not related to his faith.
Said he was thinking about becoming
monk
Katyusha, considering that you have more extensive
knowledge associated with the Hare Krishnas, can we
communicate with you more closely through any
What is the most convenient method of communication for you?
Lyudmila, age: 45 / 06/03/2012
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