A person suffering from often feels the most unhappy in the whole world. He is capable of reaching complete despair and would like to free himself from the passion that torments him, but he does not know how to survive unrequited love and regain peace and happiness. The hackneyed phrases that time heals or “everything will pass, this too will pass” do not bring any relief and are perceived as empty words. Ah, if only he or she knew that most of those living also had the opportunity to experience something similar at some point! And somehow they managed, calmed down, met a person who appreciated, understood and loved them...
You may not understand that the psychologist’s advice that we publish in this article will help you get through difficult times. Be sure to read everything to the end; the information posted here will help you understand that the situation you find yourself in is not at all as hopeless and terrible as you think.
Unrequited love or one-sided love?
Psychologists say that when a person is unilaterally in love, then most likely it is not about love, but about being in love. In this case, there is no long-term close communication between two people and the one who is in love, in fact, knows little about the subject of his passion. They are put on the eyes which carefully mask all the shortcomings of the person to whom tender feelings are directed. Here they are attracted by external data or fantasized advantages, which in reality may not exist at all.
How to survive unrequited love if, for example, it broke out after one meeting, one stormy night, one romantic date etc? During these short moments, it was not difficult for one of the two to be on top; he demonstrated all the best qualities of his nature, tenderness, romance, passion and went out forever... The other side decided that he had met the ideal and was inflamed with a serious passion for the fictional image.
You will object that mutual love relationships always begin with the idealization of the image of the chosen one or the chosen one. And you will, of course, be right. But, mutual love makes people gradually get to know each other better and better. Gradually, illusions cannot withstand the merciless pressure of reality and over time, the first ardent feelings either develop into true love, agreeing to put up with all the shortcomings of the chosen one, or pass without a trace, like an acute respiratory disease.
The problem with unrequited love is that it can... for many years to exist indestructible, fueled by fantasies and hopes. It’s good to read novels and watch movies about such feelings, but in life it’s better to get rid of them quickly. Really, it’s so fleeting - our life, is it worth devoting it to endless suffering!
in adolescence
It is especially painful in adolescence. There is even an opinion that one is always unhappy. In a sense, teenagers' unrequited love becomes preventive vaccination. Having experienced confusion of feelings in early youth, most young people become stronger psychologically and more attentive in the future to the subject of their new choice.
Fortunately, most teenagers go through this difficult period safely, but for those who are particularly vulnerable and sensitive, it can be prolonged. It may develop and this will have a negative impact on building relationships with the opposite sex in future adult life.
If a young man or girl is suffering greatly, not understanding how to cope with unrequited love, parents should first of all provide support. The trouble is that in adolescence, children often move away from close relatives. Those, often, are not able to help their son or daughter, because they simply do not know exactly how to behave and how to talk to their sons in love.
1. Be as tactful as possible when talking to your child about his feelings. Otherwise, the teenager will withdraw and will no longer share his experiences with you.
2. Don’t give advice that is suitable for adults (change your hairstyle, start doing fitness, etc.) Better try to explain that his feelings remained unrequited not because he is bad (not handsome enough, smart enough, etc.) It’s just that people’s feelings do not always coincide, because we are all different and this is absolutely normal.
4. If you understand that your personal experience is not interesting to your son or daughter, then switch to stories about the fate of the “stars” in which he is interested.
5. If you feel that your teenager has almost overcome his inner loneliness, try to get him interested in some new activity, sport, or creativity. You can go on a trip together.
If parents see that they cannot help their child on their own and he is immersed deeper and deeper into experiences, then it is better to turn to a professional psychologist and together with him look for ways out of the current situation.
In general, teenage love is a very broad topic and requires separate study. In this article we have given only general brief recommendations. Further information presented in the article highlights the problems and relationships of adults.
Reasons for unrequited love
It happens that a person repeatedly experiences a feeling of unrequited love throughout his life. That is, the same type of situation, “Groundhog Day,” is repeated over and over again. This may indicate existing psychological problems. Such people should attend an appointment with a specialist who will help them understand themselves.
At psychologists' appointments there are many visitors with the same type of problems. For example, a woman says: “I suffer from unrequited love!” - and begins to describe his situation. And here, in the memory of an experienced psychologist, a whole string of similar stories immediately arises about how women choose as the object of their love men who are married and happily married or simply in love with another girl - that is, the most unavailable.
Starting to unravel the tangle of problems of such visitors, the psychologist understands that in their subconscious there is a strong conviction that they are unworthy of love, that dislike is normal for them. And the roots of this psychological anomaly go deep into childhood, when parents were too critical, picky and demanding of their child, scolding and criticizing them for the slightest offense.
There are often situations when unhappy one-sided love is an almost conscious choice. In these cases, women (this happens less often with men) do not feel the need for a full-fledged relationship. They need mental anguish, violent feelings, but not a permanent partner for life. This indicates emotional immaturity and requires psychological correction.
There are often situations when a person’s life is so calm and comfortable in all areas that he subconsciously tries to create conditions that would give him the opportunity to suffer and complain. This creates an emotional contrast and subsequently makes you appreciate your past life, which seemed so bland and boring.
In general, there are many reasons for unrequited love, and those described here are just a drop in the bucket.
Unrequited love for a woman
We have outlined a list of things that can help a man win a woman’s heart:
1. Tenacity and perseverance.
2. Generosity.
3. Romance.
4. Sense of humor.
5. Self-confidence.
6. Noticeable popularity with the opposite sex.
And women adore strength and tenderness in one bottle. These are such strange and contradictory creatures. If a girl doesn't reciprocate, you can try to become her ideal. But, if you feel that you can’t cope with such challenging task and your love runs away from you like from fire, then:
- Don't stalk her. This can cause even greater negative feelings in her soul.
- Try to avoid the sight of a suffering victim; do not show your feelings to others, so as not to provoke their ridicule. After all, it hurts you without it.
- No matter what, lead an active life, do not isolate yourself alone.
- Remember that over time your “stocks” will only grow. Feminine beauty fades quickly, and men gain charm over the years. Besides: for ten girls, according to statistics... you know the rest yourself.
- Under no circumstances should you start drowning your sorrows in alcohol. Nothing good will definitely come of this.
Pros of the situation
Imagine that unrequited love can have its advantages - any experienced psychologist will tell you about this. For example, the unrequited love of a guy for a girl can force him to literally “move mountains” in order to achieve the favor of his beloved.
This is a huge incentive for self-improvement. The main thing is to act, and not sit limply in tears and snot. Direct the energy that strong love feelings give you to become better both externally and internally. Try to make your body ideal through sports and fitness, start reading a lot, try to achieve success in your professional activities, etc.
Hard work on yourself will lead to the fact that those around you will be more interested in you, surprised by the changes, and express their admiration for the transformation that has taken place. All this will increase your self-esteem, self-confidence, and open up new prospects that you had never dreamed of before. It may happen that soon you will be able to see the person who caused you so much suffering in a completely different light and will be surprised to feel that the love has passed.
What should a girl who is unrequitedly in love do?
The weaker sex turns out to be not so weak after all. Many girls in love prefer not to sigh and think about how to survive unrequited love for a man, but to act very decisively, trying to win reciprocity by any means, including turning to psychics who promise to cast a powerful love spell. Let us say right away that we do not advise anyone to engage in such dubious things. We only give ethical advice.
If you think that a guy simply hasn’t yet seen your strengths and beauty, then psychologists advise in this case to do something that will help open his eyes faster. And to do this, you don’t need to look at the object of your passion from afar. Try to be closer to him! Be feminine and sweet. Clothes and hairstyle, of course, must be impeccable. Unrequited love for a man should become a reason for you to strive for perfection in everything.
We will tell you one secret from a psychologist: give a man to show his best qualities in your presence, the opportunity to perform some chivalrous deeds. Be weak, unprotected, turn to him for help, and when he gives it to you, do not skimp on praise.
Find out what worries your chosen one most in this life. Maybe he's a boxing fan or loves to talk about political topics? Or perhaps he likes to read books by some fashionable modern author? Take action! Try to share his interests and be on the same page with him.
You've read a lot of advice. Most of them concerned situations where there is a prospect of causing reciprocal feelings. Well, what to do if there is no such hope at all, what to do in this case? After all, it is impossible to live, constantly feeling a nagging pain in your heart. They say that mental pain is much stronger than physical pain.
There's nothing you can do, you'll have to pull yourself together and try to come to terms with the idea that the person you're in love with is free and you need to respect his right to this freedom. You understand everything, but don’t know how to forget your loved one? Advice from a psychologist will help you do this. So:
1. Shake yourself up, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Down with laziness! Try to load yourself up with any activity as much as possible. If you don't know what to do, start renovating your apartment or simply rearrange the furniture. Mark the beginning of a new life with something meaningful.
3. Start meeting with friends more often, go to the theater, concerts, cinema, parties, etc. But avoid places where you can meet the person you want to forget.
4. Phrases about unrequited love, thoughts that you were not appreciated or reciprocated will still constantly come to mind at first. Don't accept such thoughts. You can argue mentally or out loud that someday he or she will definitely regret the missed opportunities, but their train will leave.
5. Finally, remember that there are many other representatives of the opposite sex in the world. Perhaps someone is showing interest in you, and maybe even worried about unrequited love for you. Try to respond to his feelings. What do you have to lose?
6. Take off your rose-colored glasses. Until now, you have looked at the merits of your loved one through a magnifying glass. Try swapping the pros for the cons. Perhaps you were very lucky that this person passed by.
7. Don’t throw yourself into your work, even though you might want to do just that. Organize your days so that there is always time for relaxation, for going to the stylist, to the pool or to the park for a walk.
8. Think about your loved ones. Perhaps, while you were focused on your unhappy love, your parents, relatives or friends suffered from your inattention and needed help and support.
9. Pay attention to your health. Stress greatly reduces the body's defenses, and a weakened body, in turn, cannot resist stress. See what a vicious circle it turns out to be! You definitely need vitamins, fresh air, sun, positive emotions - all this increases the level of serotonin in the blood. And serotonin is the hormone of happiness.
10. If you do not want and cannot do anything to pull yourself out of the abyss of despair, this means that you have developed severe depression. It is very difficult to cope with it on your own. Try visiting a psychologist's office. Perhaps a specialist will consider it necessary to prescribe you antidepressants.
They knock out a wedge with a wedge
Do you feel so depressed that you don't believe you can ever be happy? Throw away these thoughts! New love will definitely come, and the old one will be forgotten, just don’t close your heart. Monogamous people are very rare among people. Why do you think you are one of their kind?
Final word
Well, our conversation about how to survive unrequited love has come to an end. If you are reading these lines now, it means that you have read the article to the end, which, in turn, says that you are an inert person and are trying to help yourself and are actively looking for a way out. difficult situation. We sincerely wish you happiness and mutual love, which (we are sure of this) will definitely happen in your life!
adminThe unfortunate thing resonates in my soul with such a sharp pain, as if a sharp knife is piercing my heart. This feeling is depressing, bringing with it despondency, emptiness, helplessness and endless tears.
Regardless of what caused such a feeling - lack of reciprocity or separation - you can stop suffering from unhappy love. Getting rid of suffering is a difficult but surmountable path.
What to do to stop suffering from unhappy love?
First of all, realize that you are not loved. Hoping for reciprocity, you can do a lot of stupid things that you will later regret.
Second: understand that you are not loved because of your shortcomings. It’s not about your appearance, modesty, arrogance or other personal qualities - he just sees another person next to him.
Lack of interest on his part does not mean that you are unworthy of guys' attention. And in general, love is a feeling that rarely lends itself to logical explanation. It often happens that everything seems to be with you, but the object of your adoration leaves for another girl. So guessing and looking for reasons within yourself is a pointless waste of time, it just didn’t work out.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. The feeling you experience is already happiness; love, even unhappy, can not only bring pain and suffering, but also inspiration and strength for new deeds and achievements.
Achieve reciprocity if that makes sense. This should be done as carefully, unobtrusively and unobtrusively as possible. Just change in better side, discover new talents and interesting sides in yourself, be positive. Perhaps your positive energy is, but even if not, then by improving yourself, you will look at the world with new eyes.
Try switching to another object. But this should not be proof to everyone that you are worthy of love. You must be seriously interested in a person, and pretend love will not overcome your previous feelings, but will only strengthen them, bringing with it even more unpleasant emotions and disappointments.
Think about anything but him. Find yourself, immerse yourself in this matter headlong. Take some free time so that you don’t have a single minute left to think.
Don't close yourself off. Communicate with the people around you, do not refuse to go on a visit or to a movie, be in the company of friends or people you like as often as possible.
Don't look for someone to blame. There is no one to blame in this situation. It could be you or him, or even the fact that the stars weren't aligned for you as a couple.
Avoid meeting him. The less you see him, the less often you will think about him. Get rid of all the things that remind you of him.
Daily trainings. Every morning, remind yourself that you are an individual and worthy of happiness. Dreams and thoughts about your loved one depress you, press you, bring you grief, so throw them out of your head. Think that true love brings joy, and the one that sits inside you is a habit, an attachment, anything, but not the bright feeling that you think about. Try to imagine that your love is a disease and it urgently needs to be treated.
Complete relief from suffering
Sometimes it will be difficult to follow the advice; you will want to hide in a dark corner or hide under the covers and not see or hear anyone. But such behavior will worsen the situation. As you continue to live, over time you yourself will not understand how it happened that you think less and less about him, and even if you remember, it is without that pain in your chest that previously did not allow you to breathe.
Remember: everything is in your hands and, first of all, your happiness!
26 February 2014, 16:01(January 5, 2012) N: have you encountered severe cases of unrequited love in your practice? how can you help a person?
The girl has been suffering alone for 13 years. She lives by this and dooms herself to loneliness.
Kostya: There are 3 simple ways. So that you understand correctly, falling in love, a feeling of attraction, is created by the subconscious. Just like other emotions. Her subconscious assessed that person as a good match - and created her love. So, the task is to deal with this emotion.
How I, in order not to suffer, began to represent the message of love in relationships
YouTube Video
Elena
better tune in for the good
Thank you!))))))))))))))
From here
Continuation: this is what I was told following the material above:
A.Your conversation today about relationships is interesting. Here's my experience. Today I was riding on the subway, closed my eyes and felt a very powerful flow of love, warmth and energy coming towards me from a person who was far away. I felt very good.
Kostya
I would say “imagine and feel.”
A.
I didn’t know what was bothering me and how to work with it, there is energy that has no outlet not only on my part, but now I realized that I don’t even need communication and it’s so great and wonderful. There is simply a great source of love and energy directed in your direction and you bathe in it.
Resonates with systems theory and the three principles
(24 Dec 2013) I thought I could teach a class (or lead a class) on the topic “how not to suffer from unsuccessful love” - a popular topic. And then I saw that my recipe is to imagine that a relationship with a person radiates love - it’s about connections, about relationships, about .
(An example about the interaction of organs as parts of a single system.) As if the liver were suffering because the stomach was not friendly with it in the form in which it would like. Then the liver would have the idea that the stomach does not love it, that it is rejecting it - and it would suffer, in fact, not because of the stomach, but because of its thoughts that it is being rejected.
And, if the liver imagines that true love is pouring into its relationship with the stomach, and that their relationship is already radiating love, and that they both enjoy feeling it, then it would immediately stop suffering.
Letting go of (unrequited) love using phrases from Ho'oponopono
And in the end, he stood by the wall and allowed himself to look at her (at the girl with whom he unrequitedly fell in love) without stopping. At least you can take a good look at it in dynamics. And at the same time he began to speak phrases from Ho’oponopono (Hawaiian technique of forgiveness):
I love you
I'm very sorry
Excuse me
Thank you
And this is what began to happen: I began to feel how the veil of love was disappearing, and I saw a living person in front of me, yes, beautiful woman, but alive, with my own interests, which do not really intersect with mine. A good, living, beautiful woman, but not as interesting to me as before. I already look at her not with the pleasure of a lover, but with interest - as at a friend, comrade, co-worker, acquaintance. With gratitude for what I went through and received with her help.
It seems that everything - this love is over. I'm moving on)))
I observe the feeling of falling in love and repeat “I love you”
I thought it was time to let go of the emotion, as I did two years ago in a similar case (see above), but then I simply directed my attention to this emotion - to this powerful, enveloping buzzing sensation - attraction...
True, no, I started to let go a little with the help of ( simplest option- repetition of the phrase “I love you”).
And this combination made the feeling of falling in love so pleasant! And not pressing. The need to get rid of this pressure, this influence, disappeared. To some extent, by paying attention to it, observing it, I transferred it from the automatic subconscious - into something well aware of my mind. And that means this emotion has ceased...
This means that I submitted his own product as input. falling in love is a recommendation for action from a certain set of programs in my mind. Observing this emotion, I made it not a force affecting me, but a part of the world (given to me in sensations). Made her, for a few minutes of observation, a large component of his world.
Now this emotion was analyzed by many programs in my mind, compared with other available information. And the heaviness and pressure disappeared, the buzzing and buzzing disappeared, and only a pleasant sensation remained.
In other words, I stopped resisting this emotion, stopped suppressing it, but also did not stupidly obey it. I accepted her, I observed her, I fell in love with her - and she stopped meddling in my affairs, stopped putting pressure on me.
Why did I feel this emotion of falling in love? Programs in the mind created it based on the constructions “here, she told you this, here you did that, here, she also treats you this way” - but these constructions were based on something from the past. By directing attention to this emotion, I created a situation where the programs in my mind were able to see a more complete picture in the now. Now there is no basis for this emotion - and it, like a pressing sensation, has disappeared. All that was left was a pleasant feeling.
Applicable to business - imagine that projects will go well
(2 Feb 2012) I was surprised to find that the same principle applies to business. You can, for example, imagine that your projects will develop well, and not poorly, which is projected by the subconscious.
Noticed increased anxiety last days When I started studying, I started writing lists of projects and to-dos for them. I read from David Allen that the excitement comes from the fact that our p.s. starts to worry about everything that can go wrong in projects. I realized that, instead, I could start imagining that everything would go well in these projects! I immediately felt better!
Don’t deceive yourself into “faith” that everything will go well, but “just imagine” that everything will go well. How can we imagine that a relationship with a person radiates love - in order to stop suffering.
Then I thought - she does what she wants, follows her desires.
Then I realized and remembered - I can accept her desires, my desires, my emotions, as in yes-yes-yes. I applied “yes to all my emotions” to this situation - and I felt joyful!
