Useful tips

Adolescence is a difficult period, both for teenagers themselves and for their parents, teachers, and coaches. Youthful maximalism, the spirit of rebellion and contradiction, as well as the desire to show their individuality are common phenomena for teenagers.

Traditional foundations and unshakable authorities are subject to doubt and criticism from teenagers who consider representatives of the older generation to be old-fashioned and sometimes stupid. Such psychological instability can lead self-confident boys and girls to quite sad consequences: drug addiction, alcoholism, depression, suicide.

Therefore, during this period, it is extremely important that next to the teenager there are wise, attentive and patient adults who will not “pressure” with their authority, control every step or bother with excessive care and concern, but will calmly, step by step, go through this process hand in hand. difficult path together.

Here are eight simple secrets that will help you find a common language with teenagers during a difficult transition period.

1. Don't show your weakness

Teenagers like to “play on the nerves” of adults, questioning their authority and testing their “strength.” In this way, they protest against the world of adults, proving that they have the right to their own opinion and vision of the world around them.

What should we, adults, do in this case? The main thing is to remain calm and not give in to provocations. Shouting, raising the tone, restrictions and punishments in such a situation will only aggravate the situation and strengthen the teenager’s opinion that he is not only right, but also has power over the emotions of adults.

Take a deep breath, count to ten, exhale and in a calm tone ask your child to justify his opinion, but be prepared for the fact that you will have to give counterarguments in response. If at the time of the conversation you cannot do this, take a time out, and do not forget to tell your child about this (there is nothing reprehensible in the fact that you may not know something).

If the child is not ready to engage in dialogue here and now, postpone the conversation until tomorrow, which will give both you and him the opportunity to calm down.

2. Don’t insist on emotional conversations

Each of us needs to be alone with ourselves from time to time. And teenagers are no exception. Therefore, you should not impose your communication on them, much less interrogate them with bias, if you notice changes in the child’s behavior.

In this situation, it is better to indicate that you are ready to listen to the child, but on the condition that he does not mind. Be a listener, because sometimes children just want to talk without receiving advice.

If you want to comment on a situation or give advice, ask your child if he is ready to listen to you. If the answer is negative, do not insist, but say that everything is fine, and mention that he can always turn to you for help if necessary.

3. Set boundaries for your teen.

The desire to gain independence and independence in adolescence is often achieved by violating the laws existing in society and in the family. To avoid this, you need to set boundaries that are clear, fair, and agreed upon by both parties.

Such an approach, based on adherence to certain rules, will contribute to the development of constructive relationships between a teenager and adults, in which everyone will clearly understand their goals and the range of their responsibilities.

In this case, it is better to introduce the rules consistently so as not to cause a new wave of protest in the teenager due to a change in his lifestyle. If you wish, you can make a list of rules in writing.

Don’t forget about the reward system for completing tasks. But here it is important that encouragement does not turn the relationship between adults and children into a trade-market one. Therefore, it is recommended not to use money as a motivator. This could be trips or purchasing what the child dreams of.

Remember that not only the teenager must respect the boundaries, but you must adhere to the established rules and keep your promises in order to win the child’s respect and become an example for him.

4. Show respect for your child

A teenager is a mature person whose opinions and wishes should be respected. He perceives direct instructions and moral teachings as imposing his opinion on adults, which ultimately can make you “enemy No. 1.” Allow your child to solve his problems on his own, especially if he does not ask you for help or advice. Thus, you will show not only respect, but also trust in him.

At the same time, any person, regardless of age, needs support, attention and participation (it is important not to confuse participation with sympathy). Therefore, in a difficult situation, if a child trusts you, he will definitely ask for help. And here it is important not just to give advice, but to consider several options for the development of events, allowing him to make an independent choice.

5. Involve your teenager in solving adult problems

One of the common mistakes adults make is that we consider children incapable of solving adult problems. We often justify this behavior by saying that we want to protect children from unnecessary worries. And this is undoubtedly correct.

But it’s not every day that we come across serious life situations that it’s better for children not to know about. We often ignore children's opinions even in basic matters. Our inability to listen sooner or later becomes the reason for children to distance themselves from adults.

To prevent this from happening, involve teenagers in solving problems that they can handle. Give them the opportunity to express their opinion, praise them for smart decisions that can and should be implemented, thereby motivating independence.

But don’t criticize them for irrational decisions: it’s better to explain why it’s better to do something differently in this situation. Remember that constant criticism kills all initiative and desire to act.

Perhaps one of the most difficult periods in a person’s life is the age from 12 to 18 years. Most teenagers feel that their parents do not want to understand them. This problem arises as a result of erroneous behavior on the part of both parents and grown-up children.

So how do you communicate with your teenage daughter?

1. Your daughter is becoming a girl. And accordingly, her appearance undergoes inevitable changes. And she perceives these changes, often slightly panicked. Help her cope with this condition. Praise her more often than usual. Tell her that she is becoming a dazzling beauty, and that such wonderful transformations happen to absolutely all women in the world. Don’t make fun of the changes in her body, even if you love her. Her senses are greatly heightened, and she may take this as an offensive remark. On the contrary, try to emphasize the obvious advantages of her appearance. This will greatly affect her self-esteem.

2. Don't assume that she's problems far-fetched. Remember yourself at this age, because then you looked at relationships with friends and peers completely differently and did not yet know how to have a philosophical attitude towards yourself and life.

3. Make an effort on yourself - try to look at your daughter as an adult, do not talk to her like a child, in a mentoring tone. At this age, children are not able to correctly evaluate your moral teachings; they perceive them as another reason to move away from you under the pretext of misunderstanding. And indeed, moral teachings are annoying. And it seems to your daughter that they simply don’t understand her and don’t want to understand her. She is disgusted by moralizing, and this is the reason for the cooling of relations with her mother and distance from her.

Stop criticizing her actions and actions.. Children of this age react aggressively to criticism. It’s better to ask her a few questions with the help of which she herself can adequately assess the current situation: “Do you really think so?”, “What do you think will happen if ....?”, “And if it doesn’t work out, but it will be like this.” ….? What will you do in this case? Let your daughter imagine different options for the outcome of her actions. Firstly, this will teach her to think about all the possible consequences of her actions and take responsibility for them. And, secondly, in her eyes you will become a wise, unobtrusive assistant, which will only increase the level of trust in you.

4. If the daughter does not share her experiences with you, this does not mean that she has stopped trusting you. Perhaps she is trying to independently solve the difficulties that have arisen in her life; she needs time to think about the current situation and make a decision.
5. If it seems to you that she is nervous and tense, perhaps the girl is upset because of a disagreement with her peers.
   

   Tell her about your childhood and youth, about your experiences, first love, relationships with friends, etc. This is very important. It will be easier for her to realize that the events of her life, mistakes and difficulties in relationships occur only because this is a feature of this period of life. And that everyone had similar difficulties, even her mother. This will reduce the level of teenage loneliness.

6. Do not hesitate to tell your grown-up daughter that you did not always behave adequately and correctly at this age. Explain to her that our mistakes are our life lessons. By making them, we must learn to draw the right conclusions. How else can you gain invaluable life experience? Show her that you adequately perceive her unreasonable actions and are always ready to help if she wants it.
7. Wait until you can have a heart-to-heart talk.. At the same time, do not forget that lengthy parental lectures often only worsen the already difficult relationship with your daughter. Teenagers do not like truisms. Ideally, she will do most of the talking. This creates the feeling that you are a good listener and can be trusted.

8. Due to increased emotionality, everything Children of this age cannot always formulate their thoughts correctly and clearly.

   During the conversation, try to tactfully, and most importantly, unobtrusively, ask questions. Based on the answers, formulate her own statements, giving them a short form. The girl will have the feeling that you are listening to her and understanding her correctly. This will give her a reason to tell you more. And you will be more confident in her frankness and calm about her (and your) state of mind.

9. Demonstrate your competence and achieve mutually beneficial cooperation. Often, teenagers perceive the older generation as something outdated and outdated. And since teenagers are mostly idealists, you will have to show your daughter all your talents. For example, you have an excellent command of a foreign language or know how to add European pathos to a set table. I assure you that a teenage girl will definitely like such abilities. And if you can achieve admiration on her part, then for sure she will ask you to teach her this. And then, you should definitely ask her for a favor in return. For example, you will teach her how to make beautiful table settings, and in return she will help you master some computer program that she is fluent in. Achieving goals together brings us closer together. Moreover, in the eyes of the girl, you will be a “super-mom” who strives for self-improvement. You will become an even greater authority for her, because she will be proud of you. And also, this life situation formed by you will become an invaluable lesson for her. Firstly, she will learn to realize that every person has some useful abilities hidden, and this will give her a reason to think well about others, and, accordingly, about herself. Secondly, the correct perception of others and herself will lay the foundation for the formation of the proper level of her self-esteem, as the basis for her entire future life.

If do you still think that your daughter is often rude to you, then first of all try to find out the reason for this behavior. It often happens that rudeness and rudeness towards you is a defensive reaction to the behavior of completely different people. It is possible that the girl simply does not know where to start talking about those who offended or insulted her. And you asked her at the wrong time to help you with the cleaning. It seems to her that her problems have reached a “universal scale,” but you don’t care about her difficulties. And in general, it turns out that you are only interested in keeping the room in order)). Try to get her to talk. If this doesn't work out, don't insist. Give her the opportunity to be alone and calmly think about everything. I assure you, she will greatly appreciate your tact. And when she calms down, she herself will come to you with an apology and ask for advice.

10. Rejoice in her trust. And don’t tell her secret to anyone if your daughter asks for it. Your broken promise will surely come to light at the most inopportune moment. Teenagers experience deception very painfully, and most importantly, your daughter may come to the conclusion that you should not be trusted at all. In this case, it will be very difficult for you to gain her trust again.
11. Try to ask your daughter for advice. For example, “Do you think this dress suits me?”, “Tell me, what is relevant to wear now? Is this... or is this...? This way, you will emphasize its importance to you. You will demonstrate that her opinion is important to you and you listen to it. Your girl will be able to feel more significant in this world. And it is also very useful for building her self-confidence. Thank her for the advice she gave you. But you should not artificially and blindly follow these tips. It looks insincere. It is much better if she understands that advice is only an opinion, and not a guide to action. She will learn to realize that people have every right not to follow her recommendations. And, in turn, she will understand that she also has the right not to allow others to force her to take any action through persistent advice and recommendations. This will help her learn to form her own judgment, which will become the basis for her main life principles.
12. And one last thing. Always stick to the golden mean.
    

    Children don't like being looked after. But they get offended when their parents are not interested in their affairs and never ask them anything. This is how they conclude that their parents do not care about their problems. Therefore, try to tactfully control your children, but be aware of their interests. Ask about what happened at school, what is your children’s attitude towards what happened, how the class teacher commented on the events, whether your children agree with the opinion of their classmates and with the opinion of the class teacher. Show interest in their friends and never criticize them. Don't be shy about asking your growing children for advice. Be wiser and never waste time for your own child. Make every effort to create a friendly atmosphere between you.

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: Reading time:

A couple of years ago, your friends were jealous of your happiness - to have such a calm, smart, obedient child. But then I turned 12, 13 years old... and my son or daughter became unrecognizable. You don’t know how to communicate with a teenager - the child has been replaced and in front of you is a completely different person: cold, aggressive, and sometimes even cruel.

Psychologist Victoria Melikhova tells what is happening to the child and how to talk to him now.

But then I turned 12, 13 years old... and my son or daughter became unrecognizable.

“He became completely different. Previously, we could talk about anything, we went to the park and to the river together. I knew about all his friends and all the beautiful girls in his class. Now it’s as if he’s been replaced. If it were possible, I would put a lock on the room. He gets angry when I come in without knocking, he answers all questions with “none of your business,” he contacted some strange people. He comes home from school, immediately locks himself in his room and blasts his incomprehensible music at full blast.”

“I have grown up, but my mother still sees me as a little child. She demands that I report to her for every minute of my life. It's like she has nothing better to do! She always gets into my life, into my room, into my affairs. When she understands, I’m an adult, I can have my own friends, my own room, my own life. Only mine..."

This is how two close people see the same situation differently. Adults seemed to have forgotten that twenty, thirty years ago they themselves were teenagers, complained about their parents, sought freedom, defended their personal space and their interests. And hatred has nothing to do with it.

How to talk to teenagers so that they hear their parents? What should mom and dad pay attention to? First we need to talk about adolescence in general.

The thorny path of growing up: what happens to a teenager

By the age of twelve or thirteen, changes occur in all areas, and a crisis is brewing.

Body. The child grows, his body changes, which, due to uneven growth, often seems funny and absurd.

The child is, as it were, between two shores: childhood and adulthood.

Mood. Due to the play of hormones, the mood constantly changes: rage gives way to euphoria, resentment immediately turns into joy. Just now he was laughing at a ridiculous character on YouTube, and now he was upset to tears at his friends who forgot to invite him into the yard. Not every adult can withstand such loads.

Conflicting attitude of adults. He feels like an adult. Every being strives to become one. Parents continue to see him as a child and begin to demand adult responsibility. On the one hand: “so that I’m already home at 9”, “go now and do your homework”, “don’t communicate with Pasha anymore, I don’t like him.” On the other hand: “at your age I was already closing cans,” “what an example you are setting for your brother,” “what a big deal, but what’s the point,” “it’s time to think about the future.”

What's normal for a teenager

Sudden changes in behavior and lifestyle, secrecy. Yes, it scares you. Yes, it seems to you that there is something wrong with the child and he has found himself in bad company, has seen enough movies, or maybe even tries alcohol or drugs. This is not necessary. The child is, as it were, between two shores: childhood and adulthood. He strives with all his might to become an adult and independent. He demands respect for himself, his personal space, his interests. Therefore, you should not worry if he once again asks you to knock on the door of the room and not go into his closet. And he has the right to refuse to tell how his day at school went.

Perhaps you don't see how your son or daughter has mastered the technique of playing the guitar. How they began to sing and write poetry. How they seek support and appreciation for their achievements from those closest to them. How can parents communicate with teenagers? First of all, lower your demands and accept what you have.

Craving for new people and big companies. During this difficult period, understanding, acceptance, and personal communication are especially important for a teenager. That is why he is so drawn to friends, to his own kind. To a place where he can be understood and listened to as an equal, where he will feel part of the team, and know that he is not alone.

Laziness, decreased academic performance, refusal to do household chores. The teenager changes physically and emotionally. These changes cause a lot of stress for the body that is not yet strong and take a lot of strength and energy. Therefore, “attacks of laziness” and a decline in school performance are possible.

They are concerned about appearance, status in the team, the reaction of the opposite sex.

A sharp change of interests. Yesterday he spent the whole day running around with a camera, today he paints with watercolors, tomorrow he will write poetry. He tries and searches for himself. Having tried a wide variety of activities, he will find something he likes. Perhaps what will become his future profession or hobby.

Poor control over emotions. Emotions at this age are very strong. They are characterized by frequent and abrupt changes. He is not yet able to learn to control them. No matter how offensive it may be to you, it is normal for a teenager to express a sharp protest to your comments, react rudely to attempts to invade his life, and reject any advice. How to talk to a teenager if he is rude? Maintain dignity and composure.

Lie. Teenagers often start lying. Behind this is the desire to embellish reality and please others. And sometimes hide something from parents to avoid punishment.

Attacks of melancholy. Frequent thoughts, thoughts, fantasies, and keeping diaries are also natural for children who have entered adolescence. They get to know themselves, and are often dissatisfied with themselves. They are concerned about appearance, status in the team, the reaction of the opposite sex. But behind this there is a desire for better. They want to become better, stronger, more beautiful physically and spiritually.

When to sound the alarm

At first glance, many of the strange signs of adolescence are normal. But we should not forget that everything should have reasonable boundaries.

• A teenager cannot make friends among classmates or neighborhood kids. With an acute need for communication, which he cannot satisfy in any way, it is possible that he will end up in a company associated with crime. Such companies fit perfectly into the teenage value system: communication, protest, violation of all adult values ​​and demands. A whole cocktail of emotions and feelings, thrills, romance...
• He communicates with guys much older than himself, who have a bad reputation, commit offenses and even crimes.
• I started smoking, drinking alcohol, and trying drugs.
• He almost never leaves the room, often cries, and does not communicate with his parents and friends. Perhaps he is in trouble or even depressed.

Establishing contact with a teenager

How to talk to a teenager and find a common language with a young rebel? First of all, remember that he is no longer a little child. He demands respect and has the right to it.

1 Communication needs to be built on equal terms like with your best friend. The parent-child position is becoming obsolete.

2 Don't insist on talking if he doesn't want to. Time will pass and he will come up to talk of his own free will.

3 It’s still better to knock on the room. This will once again show your respect for him and his personal space, and will reinforce his sense of importance, which is so necessary at this age.

4 Don't laugh at a teenager's obsession with his appearance., better help you cope with this: take you to the hairdresser, gym or to the doctor, support, help.

But at the same time we remember:

• we have the same child in front of us, we should not overload him with duties, affairs and responsibilities, requests and instructions must be feasible;
• It’s better to know his friends personally (throw a party for your child, invite all his friends);
• communication will help control the situation and maintain contact (share with him your thoughts, feelings, memories of yourself at his age more often);
• joint hobbies have not been canceled (ask to sing his favorite song or watch his favorite movie together, praise his painting or poem);
• he still needs your love like a child (tell him more often how much you love him).

Try to convey to your teen a sense of security and trust in you. He must know that you will accept him, understand him, will not punish him, but will try to help. Then, in a difficult situation, he will go to you for advice, and not to unknown friends on the street.

And, probably, the most important thing that will help you understand how to communicate correctly with a teenager: remember yourself at his age. What did you live, what did you dream about, what were you passionate about, what were you offended by, who did you communicate with, how did you spend your day. Feel this state, these emotions. Share them with your teenager and feel again. You were just like him. You understand him. This thought, this feeling is the key to building a trusting relationship, to signing a peace treaty between a teenager and an adult.

» How to communicate with a teenager

© Ekaterina Narkevich

Caution - teenager

Introductory part. Adolescence is a difficult and short period. To get through it “without casualties or destruction,” you need to know its features. Be smart and patient.

Exactly. Who said that being a parent is easy?!

This is the most difficult and responsible work on earth. So, watch out - teenager!

1. To avoid losing trust.

If no one comes up from your computer or responds to your request; if the spirit of freethinking has turned into a spirit of free action and you are completely ignored; if in response to your proposals you hear grins and counter-proposals; if your actions cause sharp criticism, advice - indignation, recommendations - opposition, then your child has grown up. On the way to growing up I became a teenager. This is inevitable, but it has to be taken into account. Therefore, the rules of life need to be changed, otherwise a game will not follow the rules. This is a completely different conversation.

Growing up had to happen at some point. Some parents are luckier, others less so.

The most protest, unpredictable and contradictory behavior arises from twelve to seventeen years of age, with deviations in both directions.

A child’s awareness of his individuality occurs unexpectedly for everyone. And, unfortunately, it is not always painless. Against the background of rapid physical and hormonal changes, one day he does not recognize his appearance, then he is surprised at the motives of his own behavior and train of thoughts. This is a difficult condition.

Rarely does self-revaluation change upward.

Sometimes it ends in self-alienation, depression, neuroses and complexes.

Teenagers experience these conditions extremely painfully. Sometimes it comes to suicide attempts.

Attitude towards yourself is a very subtle and vulnerable feeling.

Even in adults, self-esteem fluctuates from plus to minus every day, but what can we say about a teenager who does not know what to expect from himself. And with what - it’s better not to bother.

During age adjustment, a person, without recognizing himself, gets a “pig in a poke.” Associated with this are seemingly causeless fluctuations in mood, desire, motivation and point of view.

A teenager often “out of the blue” becomes confused, depressed, gloomy, irritable, aggressive or angrily cheerful. These changes occur spontaneously - without his active participation. He really doesn’t understand what’s happening to him, why his mood has deteriorated and everything has become irritating. What do you want and what to expect from yourself in the future.

During this period, communication problems, fears, complex complexes, underestimation and overestimation, doubts, obsessions arise, which often accompany a person for many years.

Parents need to know all of the above so as not to complicate an already difficult period. You need to behave correctly: not to be indignant and offended, but to become especially attentive and tactful.

Phrases like “I heard from a boor”, “our mustache is like dirt under his nose”, “my son has become as lanky as a pole”, “nobody will marry you with acne”, and so on are strictly forbidden.

Adults who have already forgotten their adolescence and do not want to understand what is happening allow themselves to let go of a whole bag of vulgarity. They impose ideas of inferiority on the child, as if he is to blame for the fact that the skin on his face has become problematic, hair has appeared, his voice has broken, and his nose has become swollen.

Dramatic changes in the character and appearance of a child have a good reason and do not concern only him.

It is categorically impossible to leave a person alone with himself during adolescence. As in other periods of life, of course, too.

Therefore, if you notice that the child has changed externally, do not be surprised by the internal changes. What would be more surprising would be their absence.

Be attentive to your child and change with him yourself.

Listen to our advice, which comes from extensive experience communicating with both teenagers and their parents.

As a result of a survey of thirty Moscow schoolgirls aged thirteen to sixteen, we learned that 60% of respondents (18 people) believe that it is better not to tell parents everything, otherwise there will be unnecessary moralizing.

30% (9 people) answered that they used to tell their mother a lot, but now they try not to tell anything.

Only 50% (15 people) of respondents said that in a difficult situation they would turn to their parents for advice, the remaining 50% answered without hesitation that they would only turn to friends.

Only 30% (9 girls) continue to consider mom (8 girls) and dad (one girl) best friends, 30% (9 people) said that they never considered their parents friends. The remaining 40% (12 people) said they were not sure if their parents would be able to understand them!

Parents: attention - trust in you is falling! Change!

Children from wealthy families shared their opinions with us. What can we say about the rest?!

From this we conclude that adolescents require increased informal and constant attention.

1. A teenager does not tolerate baby talk and falsehood. If, standing with your back to him, talking on the phone or doing “work picked up from work” in the evenings, you ask him “how are you?”, then you will hear the same answer - from over your shoulder, empty and meaningless.

A specific, friendly, open and sincere period in a person’s life ended at the age of five to eight, when when asked “how are you doing,” he talked about things, about thoughts and plans. Now you can dream about sincerity and earn it in return with sincerity, attention and patience.

2. Don’t be offended by the teenager’s inattention and constant busyness. First, look at yourself. How much time do you devote to him? Secondly, friends for a teenager really mean a lot, if not everything. His friends now have more trust than you. Know this and accept it as an axiom. Otherwise, you will fly into the same percentage of parents who have lost trust completely.

3. Do not ask about anything with partiality, irritability or judgment, especially when you feel tension and resistance in response. Wait a little while for your emotions to calm down.

Make it clear that you are sincerely interested in how the game ended, who won the casting, and what color your friend’s shoes are. Your crown will not fall if you condescend to your child's interests, even if they are not interesting to you.

4. Talk to a person better less, but better: slowly, calmly, restrainedly and with respect. There is no other way - you will “break the wood” of mistrust, which the teenager will not clear away. This will be your “logging”, which will completely crush the remnants of trust.

5. Share your plans with your teenager. Let him criticize you and give naive advice, but he must learn to participate, empathize, make decisions and be responsible for them. Let you become a “guinea pig” and show up to the boss’s party in an acid-colored sweater! But your daughter chose it for you!

6. Ask a person how he feels not only when he gets sick. Many processes occur for the first time in a teenager’s body, talk to him and find out what worries him. Even if six months ago you received a negative answer to your question. Changes happen all the time, so questions need to be updated too. The girl cannot help but be bothered by her swelling breasts, and the boy cannot help but be bothered by his morning emissions. Tell your child what it is. He should learn the physiological details of a maturing organism from you, and not from a “consultant in the back alley.” The same applies to sexual life, which will begin someday, whether we want it or not.

Look at the child's back - few people manage to overcome slouching. Come up with a set of exercises together to unload your back. These exercises won't hurt you either. It's better to do them together. All the best must be demonstrated by personal example. We often demonstrate the worst. The child most often takes out poor nutrition, bad habits, and foul language from the family. To avoid washing dirty laundry in public, try to live in such a way that it doesn’t exist! It’s difficult, of course, but what can you do! We became parents voluntarily.

7. Praise the person more often. For the little things, for the intentions, for the decisions. Of course, you need to criticize. But we don’t need to be taught this. But you often won’t get any praise from us, as if there’s nothing left of us. This is wrong.

Support him. Believe me, life is easier with support and approval.

Remember yourself: if your mother smiled after you, then you moved mountains. The cases when reproaches and accusations were thrown at you were remembered for the rest of your life and remained a heavy aftertaste on your soul for the rest of your life.

8. Give the person a light massage at night. Not everyone has professional skills, but with light, gentle movements you can independently relieve tension in the neck and back muscles, relieve headaches and emotional stress. At first he will refuse and shudder at your touch, because he is already unaccustomed to it. But try to get “permission”. A person should not forget the warmth of your hands just because he has grown up. Your warmth will warm the soul and allow the child to grow up calm, kind and happy.

Being parents is the most difficult job in the world, and no one forced us to do it. We ourselves decided to have children, the children did not ask us about it.

Therefore, be tolerant and loving as when your child first appeared. The teenage period is not long, it will certainly end. Having matured, a person will definitely appreciate your wise behavior and will be grateful for your sensitivity.

2. Talk to your child, talk.

Until recently, my daughter cooed in the evenings from her room, kitchen, and living room. There was a ringing in my ears from her constant soundtrack: retelling school adventures, thoughts about the film, the topic of a new essay, the arbitrariness of teachers and everything in the world. You didn’t have to listen, because she shared her thoughts loudly and literally followed on your heels. It was important for her to dump everything that was filling hers with everything on your head.

The logic of a child: why learn something if you don’t share it with your mother, first of all, with your friend second, and with all of humanity third.

Then summer passed, Dasha turned fifteen years old. Hormonal changes, which began at the age of thirteen, appeared to have taken place by the age of fourteen and a half, but unexpectedly Dasha changed. She was stubborn before. But not to persuade her to go to the theater, call her grandmother or enroll in a course - this has never happened. There were always arguments, methods of persuasion or pressure worked flawlessly, and even if protests arose, they did not influence actions in any way. After some arguing, Dasha agreed to everything.

At first you didn’t pay any attention when she refused a small task. Firm, confident and categorical. There had been verbal refusals before, then, grumbling, she went and did it. And now, for a reason unknown to you, on the day of the performance she said that she would not go anywhere, she would lie on the sofa. She is not interested in the fate of the ticket, because she did not ask to buy it.

She won’t attend language courses either, because she doesn’t want to. You never know what she wanted a year ago!

Let grandma be offended that they didn’t call her. No one was going to offend her.

And such statements rained down one after another! On all fronts! Your plans for your daughter’s education no longer concern you; intentions do not matter; etiquette, education and rules of decency were not written for her. She’s not interested in the teachers’ opinions; she doesn’t care about grades. Time can be wasted. And so on. Receiving such “slaps” every day, you gradually begin to understand that the situation is out of control, you lose your temper, because the obedient, positive, open girl is no longer there. There is a teenager who is frowning, lost in his thoughts, and who is no longer interested in living the way he lived yesterday. He doesn’t know how to live further, so he won’t do anything for now.

And this is not the worst option, because such a person is visible and at least it is known where he does nothing.

Such changes catch many people; this is not an uncommon situation.

Now you are warned about this, which means you are armed.

We will share useful information on how to find the keys to a door slammed in your face.

No need to pester with questions. If on your tenth “why are you silent”, they answer you “I want and I am silent”, this question, like Dasha, can be temporarily left alone. We need to find the best moment. He will definitely be found.

Even a healthy person’s mood is never stable.

It depends on the amount of hormones in a person’s blood. The hormones arrived - the mood increased, after two hours they were used up, the mood from elevated becomes even, then slightly lower, then a new release of hormones occurs into the blood, which again improves the mood.

This is a natural daily cycle (there are also seasonal, age-related, and so on). Some adults either do not notice the cyclicity or notice it, especially in states of fatigue, pain or anxiety. Other adults, on the contrary, are so affected by mood changes that they begin to suffer from it. They develop cyclothymia (from the Greek κύκλος, “circle” and θυμός - “spirit, soul”) - a mental disorder in which a person experiences mood swings between vague depression (perceptibly low mood) and hypomania (excessively elevated mood for no reason). Such people cannot do without the help of a doctor.

During adolescence, distinct cyclical fluctuations in hormone levels appear.

Dasha did not withdraw into herself on her own, she became loaded with internal experiences. A hormonal storm occurs in her body, which the girl prefers to experience quietly and alone. In a few hours she will definitely feel better and be more accommodating. Do not be offended by dry treatment, but watch the child. Start a conversation on abstract topics. The thing that irritates her most in the world right now is herself. So talk about... the dog, the movie or yourself. Ask for advice about your figure or your taste. Here you risk hearing unpleasant things about a “stupid” skirt and a vulgar haircut. But it’s better to hear this from Dasha than from someone else. Be patient, even if you are told to “take it off immediately.” Now you are solving a global issue - restoring contact lost due to the fault of nature. Let your taste be patient, you will have time to put on a “stupid” jacket.

Or talk about nonsense. Believe me, Dasha needs you. She is not looking for loneliness, she just finds it difficult to communicate. This will definitely pass, just be there and don’t be silent. Speak, Speak.

Dasha will appreciate your intelligence, tact and unobtrusiveness.

Talk to your teenager as if he were an intelligent person whose opinion is important to you. A person will not tolerate falsehood, because he has just come out of childhood - where there were no lies, intrigues, or cynicism.

A teenager enters adulthood without immunity from lies, intrigue and cynicism. He does not yet know how to act in a difficult situation. Therefore, he either does not act at all, or behaves, in our opinion, inappropriately. This is due to inexperience!

How often do we see teenagers boldly discussing serious topics, gesturing widely and knowing everything in the world. They feel like adults, try new behavior, try to fit in with someone and look for themselves. The search will be crowned with success if the person is not judged during this period, but is spoken to as an equal.

Serious - if he is serious. Playfully - if he found something to joke about, philosophically - if he philosophizes. By the way, sources of information are now available to everyone. Children can pleasantly surprise you with their knowledge.

Of course, it is worth stopping foul language, aggressive tendencies, excessive emancipation and vulgarity. Everything is the same as in adults. A teenager is an inexperienced adult.

In the animal world, a baby becomes independent only when it has learned everything from its parents. So we must teach the child everything we know. Previously, it was difficult to evaluate it. So talk to him, talk.

Don't be surprised by unexpected interests.

If they are not too financially expensive, do not contradict the general line of your upbringing, and do not entail risks and injuries, support them and show sincere interest. Maybe you yourself will like the idea of ​​going down the river in a kayak or learning to play the drums. Welcome everything that does not bring spiritual ruin, addiction to alcohol and psychoactive substances. What will make your relationship transparent and trusting. The main thing is contact. Talk to your child, talk.

Of course, it’s difficult to do without prohibitions, because teenagers have no sense of danger. They are fresh from childhood, where straws were laid out in front of them everywhere. But avoid shouting, hysterics and insults. If you feel like you can’t hold back, go to the bath, wash your face with cold water and catch your breath. Everything you shout will be used against you. Therefore, brace yourself.

But if you couldn’t restrain yourself, you said too much - apologize. So that a person also understands that one must be responsible for words and actions. There is no shame in apologizing. It is possible to repent. You need to be yourself and not offend others.

Talk to your child, talk.

You also have difficult days, when you have no strength to talk, when cats are scratching at your soul and the world seems stupid and cruel. Share your condition with Dasha:

Dan, this happens to you when...

As it happens, mom, you will hear in response from a person who had previously been silent for two weeks, snapped and formally denied.

Remember: not a single word you say with love, attention and care will go unnoticed. A smart, subtle and inexperienced person is growing up next to you. If you don't add additional stress, your teenage years will go smoothly.

Talk to your child, talk.

See also:

© E.M. Narkevich, 2013
© Published with the kind permission of the author

Even the very concept of “adolescence” is associated with problems. Adults realize that their children are under attack from hormones, and colossal changes are taking place in the psychological sphere. However, this does not help them in any way in establishing contact with their own, until recently so small and naive, children. The best solution is to sign up for a consultation with a psychologist. An experienced specialist will help solve difficulties in communicating with a teenager.

A few words about the stages of growing up

The process of growing up can be divided into 3 main stages:

1. Childhood. This period lasts up to approximately 11 years.
2. Young adolescence. 11-14 years old.
3. Senior adolescence. 15-18 years old.

Each stage of growing up has its own characteristics. Most often, problems arise with teenagers aged 14-16 years. Children begin to understand themselves and the motives of their actions differently. To prevent physiological and mental changes from becoming an obstacle in the relationship between teenagers and their parents, adults have to make efforts. It will be much easier if you apply in time.

Why do difficulties arise in communicating with a teenager?

At approximately 13-14 years of age, the adolescent's focus switches from parents, teachers and mentors to peers. Friends, classmates, older comrades become more significant than before. Children begin to be guided by their opinions, but at the same time strive to preserve their own individuality. This becomes the cause of internal conflicts.

The teenager has new needs. They are well displayed in the table (see screenshot, clickable image). These needs are partially satisfied through the appearance of idols - ideals to which adolescents strive. Often this is one of the elders. It is such a comrade who becomes a confidant, an authority.

Under its influence, a teenager can change his image, the way he dresses, and communicate with peers and adults. It often has an influence, hence experiments with nicotine, alcohol, and drugs. If this happens to your child, you need psychological help.

In the period of 14-16 years, positive changes occur in the thinking of adolescents:

• Concentration improves. It becomes easier for a teenager to complete assigned tasks. It is easier for him to switch to other things if necessary.
• Memory develops. The child becomes less distracted, remembers and comprehends information better.
• Independent thinking becomes apparent. A teenager is already able not only to perceive and reproduce information, but also to make his own conclusions.

The teenager feels a phantom feeling of adulthood. He is quite capable of coping with complex tasks and is ready to be responsible for the results of his activities. During the same period, a craving for the opposite sex appears, the first love. It is accompanied by anxiety, fear of being rejected, and any attempts by adults to interfere with feelings are sharply and rudely suppressed. (see screenshot. Image is clickable)

Teenagers often have problems with adults. He is often offended, feels rejected and lonely. Hence the rudeness and harshness towards parents. They should show patience and understanding so as not to provoke serious conflicts.

1. Don't read the notes. Lecture material in the style of “in our time...” is a pointless waste of time. The child will not hear you at all.
2. Don't blame. If your child has done something wrong, formulate your complaints something like this: “It upsets me that you...”
3. Don't be intimidated by "serious talk." as if in between times - while doing homework or while walking together. There is no need to sit him opposite and interrogate him. This is not a constructive approach.
4. Communicate in the format that is closest to your child. Of course, the easiest way is to call and arrange an interrogation with passion. But if you really want to get the information you need, send a couple of jokes in the chat, a funny video, and then you can ask about business. The likelihood of receiving a detailed answer increases.
5. Don't criticize interests. Your child’s hobbies probably seem strange to you, but try to understand what exactly he likes and why. This will bring you closer.
6. Praise. Your child needs approval now more than ever. His self-esteem is unstable. Praise him for any reason.
7. Don't be categorical. The words “always” and “never” are unacceptable when communicating with a teenager. Give yourself and him room to maneuver.
8. Don't shout. No matter how infuriated you are by your teenager's behavior, control your emotions.
9. Talk. If your child answers questions in monosyllables, discuss topics that are interesting to him and clarify the details. Seeing your interest, the teenager will start talking.
10. Don't panic. In many ways, parents themselves provoke the closeness of their children. Don't make mountains out of molehills. If a child admits to liking someone, this does not mean that you will become a grandmother right now. Interest in a beautiful singer does not mean a desire to undergo plastic surgery. Better clarify and communicate openly.

A teenager is a whole world, complex, but incredibly interesting. If difficulties in communicating with him seem insurmountable to you, sign up for a consultation with a psychologist at our Center in Saratov.

Remember, all problems can be solved, including those related to teenagers. The main thing is to pay attention to them in time and take the right actions.

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