Tip two:if a child is jealous of some expensive things that you cannot afford, then here you can teach the child to treat things that are “inaccessible” to him from the position of “I don’t really want this” and “but I have this” or “ but I know how to do this better.”
Tip three: Give your child more attention. If he feels your love and care, it is much better to switch him from the object of envy to something else.
Envy as an experience.
the site invites you to consider envy as an internal experience that may even torment your child.
You don’t need to think that envy is a sin and you just need to eradicate it with a belt or other means. No, envy is a feeling in the first place, and since this is so, then it is an experience. Thus, an intense feeling of envy, containing a hidden desire to spoil or damage a “good object,” can cause an even greater experience of one’s own badness and inferiority in the child, intensifying auto-aggression. If auto-aggression takes more pronounced forms, then it is necessary
Experiencing simultaneously the dependence on the fact that “I’m not like that” or “I can’t change something” and an acute feeling of envy towards more successful children, children turn these experiences into a series of continuous reproaches and mental “kicks” addressed to them. So imagine what kind of baby? You definitely wouldn't want your child to suffer from this.
Such harmful parental strategies as:
Free online psychologist for teenagers
dismissively dismiss childhood experiences or, on the contrary, rush to buy coveted toys and clothes, guided by the slogan “My child is no worse, he should have everything too!” Thus, you drive the problem deeper and provoke the appearance of a problem; in the second, you risk raising a capricious egoist who does not tolerate failure.
What to do, how to deal with envy in children? Let's continue with the advice.
Tip four:realize that the time has come to talk with your child about the structure of our world. Try to explain, using examples available to him, that all people are different, and they differ not only in height, eye color or the language they speak, but also in their level of material capabilities. However, this is not a reason to feel deprived or inferior:
The lack of branded items or toys can be compensated for by sociability, a cheerful disposition, ingenuity, the ability to sing, dance, draw well...
Tip five: Although envy is a weak character trait, it is not a reason for suffering, but for seeking new opportunities and developing one’s abilities. Try to convey exactly this idea to your child and it is important that he picks it up and thinks in this way.
Jealous child feels uncomfortable and lonely
"Mother! Kolya has a new bicycle, but I don’t, and he draws comics better than me...” - the children’s eyes are full of tears from grief, resentment and even anger. If you look at them more closely, you can see how these eyes reflect a small “worm” that has settled deep inside the child - a feeling of envy.
Not all adults take him seriously: “Just think, all children are jealous in childhood. It will grow up and everything will change.” Of course it will change. At the age of 10, he will ask for the latest model of computer, at 15, for a snowmobile, and at 25, the reaction to the inability to get what he wants is a mixture of anger and sadness, aggression directed at others and he will blame him for being denied an expensive car. In megacities, which includes Samara, the problem of children's envy is especially acute. On the one hand, the abundance of goods and services provokes the child’s desires, on the other hand, the difference between the social strata of the population and their income levels does not allow most parents to satisfy their exorbitant demands. If the situation is left to chance, envy will arise - the wrong kind. and on yourself. When such a reaction becomes established in a child, the most “innocent” consequences will be neuroses and deep inferiority complexes in the future. Therefore, it is so important to understand how to recognize and get rid of this “worm” in time, which often eats away at a child’s soul from early childhood.
The origins of childhood envy
It is based on a focus on one’s own person, which in an adult is regarded as selfishness. For a child, this is natural; his worldview is essentially egocentric. Willpower has not yet had time to form, so, naturally, the child extends his desires to everything that comes into his field of vision. It seems to the kid that the whole world exists for his sake, he is the main one in it. This is not a disadvantage, but a natural age-related feature. Violation of this idea becomes an unpleasant blow for the baby.
It turns out that someone else runs faster, draws more beautifully, and even has better toys/outfits/sweets. The child perceives this as a great injustice, a strong insult. At best, the child’s mood deteriorates, at worst, his attitude towards the “offender” himself. An unconscious desire appears to punish him, to infringe on something or to humiliate him. Growing up, many children gradually overcome this childhood egocentrism. Many, but not all. Those who for some reason could not do this become victims of envy.
It eats away at the joys of childhood and can have a serious impact on their mental health over time.
The poison of envy and the antidote
Envy in children can manifest itself in different ways. Some suffer quietly, others throw violent tantrums at their parents. Don't blame the little envious person. More often This is a child with low, less often high, self-esteem and general emotional dissatisfaction. It is not so much he himself who is to blame for this, but his parents who do not pay enough attention to him. The “worm” of envy cannot penetrate the soul of a child if he lives in harmony with the world. Such harmony occurs when parents demonstrate their love and care in every possible way. In this case, it will not be difficult for the baby to switch attention from the desired object to another, since he can easily exist without any thing, unlike parental warmth. If the child cannot cope with himself, it means that the problem is not at all with a specific toy, but with the fact that the child feels uncomfortable and lonely.
Of course, the child’s consciousness is not able to draw such conclusions, so it switches to things available to him - toys and other objects. An attitude arises: if I get this thing, I will become happier.
Besides, Children with low self-esteem have a great need for self-affirmation. In this case, splashing out the negative on the owner of what you want comes in handy. Wanting to immediately correct the “injustice,” the baby can spoil, hide the object of envy from the owner, or deprive the “offender” of communication and attention. Such actions for some time give the child the illusion of his own strength, although this does not solve the problem, so it only helps for a short time . Fortunately, envy is not innate, so it can be dealt with.
Typical provocations
Situations that fuel envy occur at every step and can unfold anywhere, but most often it happens like this:
On the street
Of course, sometimes the temperament and individual characteristics of the child are to blame for children’s manifestations of envy, but still often parents themselves raise an envious person from a young age. For example, children play in the sandbox. The kid wants to use someone else’s toy, its rightful owner, of course, protests, and adults support him in this. At the same time, when refusing a child, parents often do not do the most important thing: they do not distract his attention to something else and do not offer any alternative. It’s even worse if the mother, irritated by her whims, aggravates the situation with the statement: this toy is really good, but you haven’t earned it yet. By doing this, she reinforces the negative emotion. After a series of similar statements, the child unconsciously makes a logical conclusion: I am not good enough, there is something wrong with me.
Away
Many parents use comparisons with peers for educational purposes. Moreover, as a rule, it is far from being in favor of your own baby. For example, “But Galya is an A student and can help around the house” or “You see what a well-mannered boy Sasha is, and you...”. Such remarks are perceived very painfully by children, because it is easy to read between the lines: “You are not so smart, obedient, quick-witted,” from here it is not far to the child’s conclusion: “I am worthless,” and therefore not very loved. This is how, “for the purpose of education,” a child is quickly taught to live with an eye on others, to jealously compare himself with them, to engage in endless competition, which is one-sided, since those around him most often have no idea what dark thoughts are gnawing at the young envious person.
Home conversations between adults add fuel to the fire when they shamelessly discuss their acquaintances, comparing their situation with their own.
Envy “eats” the joys of childhood
At home
Home conversations between adults add fuel to the fire when they shamelessly discuss their acquaintances, comparing their situation with their own. The same poisonous voice of envy puts in the words that the friend bought a new fur coat again (where does she get the money from?), and Ivan Ivanych was offered a promotion (in his place it should be me!), but the neighbors were robbed, so they necessary. Little “fools” adopt these attitudes long before adults suspect that the child understands everything perfectly and copies them.
BEHAVIOR STRATEGY FOR PARENTS
Knowing which educational maneuvers are beneficial and which are rather the opposite will help protect your child from the clutches of mortal sin.
1. It has already been mentioned that You should not constantly compare your child’s achievements with the achievements of their peers. Instead, compare your baby only to himself and draw his attention to what he was able to achieve compared to a certain past period in his life. Walking his own path, without trying to measure up to the successes of others, the child will not carry on his shoulders the heavy burden of the unpleasant feeling that he is worse than someone else.
2. Starting from a very young age you need allow the child to dispose of at least some property at his discretion. Of course, it’s difficult to be happy that a child exchanged his expensive toy for a cheap car, but you shouldn’t scold him and force him to exchange the toys back. Otherwise, it turns out that his true desires are not so important to you (the baby doesn’t care how much the toy costs, he just liked it). In addition, it will become obvious that the thing that the child was allegedly given actually belongs to adults, and he has nothing that he really owns and can freely dispose of.
3. It is necessary to avoid the other extreme - giving away gifts. The opinion that envy will not arise if all the child’s desires are satisfied is wrong. This is too similar to a “payoff”. For a child, it sounds something like this: “Here’s a toy for you, just don’t bother me with your problems and worries.”
4. Try to prevent your child from feeling deprived. Perhaps, in order to enjoy life, the baby lacks some desired thing or a long-promised trip to a children's cafe.
Nevertheless, we must not lose sight of another simple thing: it is impossible to satisfy all the desires of a child. Sooner or later, the limit of possibilities will come and discontent will inevitably appear. To prevent envy from having such a brilliant opportunity, teach your child to appreciate what is available to him. Usually envious people are immersed in thoughts about other people's lives, other people's successes and failures, so they do not notice their own.
You must shift the child's attention for HIS life, show what treasures HE HIMSELF has, emphasize HIS achievements and successes. The simple thought that someone is probably jealous of him too can radically change a child’s opinion about himself. With your help, the child will understand that being happy about what he has is much more pleasant than being angry about what he doesn’t have.
BEHAVIOR STRATEGY FOR CHILDREN
It is quite possible to transform a black feeling of envy into a white one if you direct your child’s thoughts and actions in a positive direction:
- instead of passive dissatisfaction - action
Endless discontent gnaws from within, finding no way out. There are two ways to deal with it. First: turn on the psychological defense mechanism. You need to devalue defeat with the attitude: “it didn’t work out, so be it, I don’t really need it anyway.” A more constructive and more complex way - send your energy for constructive action. Set a goal and definitely achieve it. When a child is absorbed in his own affairs, he has no time to think about others. In addition, he realizes that he needs to achieve many things himself.
- instead of detachment - attention and warmth
The manifestation of true attention lies in the desire to understand the thoughts and feelings of the child. If the child asks for an item not out of an empty whim, you can buy it. When a purchase is impossible for some reason, refuse, giving your arguments, but without humiliating the child, or invite the child to exchange the desired item with his peers. Together you will definitely find a solution.
- instead of envy - competition
It's not just material things that cause envy. The child may be jealous of other people's successes and merits. Envy of this kind greatly interferes with life in the future. A skillful parenting approach can transform it into a healthy desire for competition. When you see that a child perceives someone’s successes keenly, advise him instead of wishing someone defeat in your heart, try to be worthy competition in this field. If success is clearly not expected here, invite the child to choose an area of activity in which he is strong. A child who is encouraged to compete and feels supported and approved of his own successes will not “sharpen his grudge” against others. It is necessary to teach the child not only to achieve his own goal, but also to do without something and, in spite of everything, to rejoice in the success of his neighbor.
- instead of the infantile formula “but” - the confident formula “despite this” Avoid the following pattern to console your child: “You didn’t win the running competition. but you read poetry well.” This repetitive attitude makes the child overly passive and not striving to overcome difficulties. It’s better to console in a different way: “It didn’t work out right now, but despite this, you are still talented, smart, persistent, you will definitely win next time.”
P.S. Someone will always have more toys, good grades, outfits, and then yachts, diamonds, high positions. No one can have all the blessings of life and be the best in absolutely everything. Trying to overtake the whole world is just as absurd as lamenting that it didn’t work out. It is much better to live your own life, see your own merits and respect others. Instill this position in your child, and he will not be afraid of any envy: a positive view of himself and others is unbearable for a poisonous “worm”.
Admit it, you all once envied someone, both in childhood and in adulthood. How often have you heard that envy is a useful feeling? It’s unlikely that your teachers and parents condemned you for it, and as adults, you hide in every possible way that you envy a work colleague, more successful classmates, or a sister who got married more successfully.
Envy– this is a special attitude towards the success of other people in some areas of life. This is an acquired character trait that is not given to a person by nature. She is brought up in a child by society. At first he is jealous of a peer who has an expensive toy. Or in the family he is jealous and angry towards his younger brother or sister, whom he thinks his parents love more. But it is difficult to express anger and negativity constantly; they are muffled, and this is how envy is formed.
One's own or another's
Someone else's candy is always sweeter than your own. And a toy in the hands of a neighbor in the sandbox is more interesting, although your own is exactly the same. At the age of 2-2.5 years, a child has a desire to take possession of another person’s doll or car. And he immediately makes an attempt to pick up the toy he likes. Of course, this desire quickly passes.
The baby will play and throw it away or give it back and forget about it. But parents should benefit from the first manifestations of envy for the baby and for themselves. From a young age, it is necessary to teach him to distinguish between his own and someone else's, to take a toy only with the permission of its owner, and to give his own only with the approval of his parents. As a rule, the child violently expresses negativity about not receiving someone else’s coveted toy. In this case, the parents’ mistake would be to promise to buy the same one. It is impossible to buy all things. It is better to take a distracting maneuver and switch the baby’s attention to something else. For example, go on a swing or a slide, draw with crayons on the asphalt, run a race with him together. Not even a minute will pass before he stops being hysterical and bursts into cheerful laughter.
Envy in primary school age
Children 7-11 years old usually envy their classmates if they have state-of-the-art cell phones, tablets, electronic games, figurines of fashionable cartoon characters, etc. Often, those who do not have any of the above are pushed to the margins of the team by their classmates, at best they do not notice them, at worst they are showered with ridicule and declared losers. And manufacturers of children's toys and gadgets have learned to make money from children's envy. At the same time, they do not hesitate to increase prices to prohibitive heights. Of course, not all parents can afford to buy everything their child wants.
If a child dreams of some thing, you should not convince him of its worthlessness and uselessness. Yes, today this desire is very strong. But the fashion for toys changes at lightning speed, and in a couple of weeks a new object of his dreams will appear. You can invite your child to spend the money that has accumulated in his piggy bank on what he wants. If he agrees without hesitation, it means that this item is really important to him and is a kind of pass to the select group.
Envy or admiration?
Perhaps parents are confusing envy and admiration. The child excitedly tells what toy Vasya, Petya, Kolya brought to school today, and his mother tells him how envious he is. But he simply expressed his admiration, and that’s normal. We need to support him in this, be sincerely surprised, and ask him again whether this robot really knows how to roll over and somersault. Such emotions need to be encouraged in the child, not suppressed. This is what the common people call white envy, a feeling that is not destructive, but creative. Perhaps a sincere interest in technology will become decisive in the future when choosing a profession.
The spirit of competition must be cultivated in a child. But comparing him with other children is not in his favor - this is a fatal mistake. When parents reproach that other children study better, draw well, have success in sports, but their child is not capable of any of this, this is the path to creating complexes. It is correct to tell a child that they believe in him, and he, too, will be able to achieve success in sports, art, and studies.
Teach your child to accept feelings of envy. Explain to him that this is not a shame, that everyone has it to one degree or another. But explain to him that envy should not become the reason for his anger at other people.
The best way to wean a child from envy is to get rid of envy yourself and not speak negatively about work colleagues or neighbors in front of him.
is a feeling of annoyance that arises in response to the success or well-being of another person, a feeling of one’s own inferiority or inferiority in comparison with other people. Every child has envy in one form or another, so it is very important to find out in a timely manner how susceptible the child is to this feeling and to what extent he is able to cope with it. The feeling of envy in children is always associated with the feeling that someone else has something more or better than them. And thanks to the direct behavior of children, manifestations of children's envy are always much brighter than manifestations of this feeling in adults.
Causes of childhood envy
Envy is divided by psychologists into white and black. White envy is when you want to have something, it is a desire for better. Black envy is when you want someone else to not have something at any cost, even to the point of destruction. It’s very bad when envy turns black. Why can this happen?
- The main psychological cause of envy is a reduced sense of self-esteem (including in adults), which children overcompensate with self-affirmation.
- Another of the main reasons is when parents do not understand the psychology of envy and naively and arrogantly hope to protect their child from such an insidious feeling, placing at his disposal everything imaginable and inconceivable. The catch is that when the child starts to get tired of it all and becomes bored, envy can suddenly flare up with enormous force.
- When making his childhood decisions, the child does not feel free. When a child exchanges an expensive fashionable toy for some kind of nonsense and the parents begin to argue, they thereby let the child understand that the child himself and his experiences are parental property.
- Life is perceived by the child as a palisade of restrictions: we can’t afford this at all, we can’t afford that, etc. Children’s perception in this case mainly depends on how life is perceived by the parents themselves. If parents constantly walk around with a lean face and consider themselves deprived of fate, the child will very quickly lose the ability to rejoice in everything that he has.
- A lenient attitude towards aggressive manifestations of envy in children and the demonstration of this quality by parents themselves also do not have the best effect on children.
Children's worldview and children's envy
Just like any other feeling, children's envy first of all requires recognition and acceptance. Envy is even more natural for children than for adults. This is due to the fact that, by its nature, children’s worldview is egocentric; it seems to them that the whole world exists only for their sake, and if suddenly this turns out not to be the case, children can perceive this state of affairs extremely painfully. Of course, children can be very upset if someone dances better than them, knows more poems, jumps higher, or if suddenly the most long-awaited toy or treat is bought for another child. In their understanding, this state of affairs is more than unfair, and this can often result in anger on their part.
Types of envious children
It is customary to distinguish several types of envious children:
- "Unfairly deprived." The abilities of these children were not properly recognized or appreciated.
- "Stern Judge" Such children take responsibility and courage to define others with impartial characteristics.
- "Lord God." Children of this type decide whether someone deservedly suffered a misfortune, whether someone was punished fairly or unfairly.
- "Salieri". This character “eliminates” Mozart with a clear conscience, considering this to be the absolute norm.
How to deal with childhood envy
- Under no circumstances should you compare the successes and qualities of your own children with the successes and qualities of their peers - through such a comparison, parents themselves can create a feeling of envy in their children. Children will begin to envy not only the real, but also the imaginary successes of other children, while underestimating their own.
- You should not belittle the achievements of other children; it is better to explain to the child that each person has his own talents, and it is simply impossible to have all the talents at the same time. At the same time, it is important to explain to the child what exactly he himself is good at.
- From early childhood, you need to teach a child to be happy for others, so that the child clearly understands that in some ways his friend is better, and in some ways he himself is better.
- It is necessary to teach a child to use feelings of envy for his own purposes, as a kind of impetus for development. For example, if a child is jealous of a friend's athletic achievements and strength, you can encourage him to think about what he can do to achieve the same thing. Very often, the path of true masters of their craft begins with envy. Therefore, constructive parents are quite capable of making this feeling.
- It is important to teach a child to appreciate what is available to him so that he can enjoy the things that he deals with in reality. After all, many children only dream of what he has. For example, not all children have favorite pets, a collection of cars, or their own room.
- When buying clothes, toys and school supplies for your child, you need to give him the opportunity to choose. Parents may not always know what exactly a child needs in order to become “one of their kind.” And if a child constantly feels that he is poorly dressed, that he does not have such a fashionable satchel and not as bright notebooks as the rest, then feelings of envy cannot be avoided.
- Supporting a child in his achievements, highlighting his strengths and helping him develop his abilities - these are three basic rules for parents that will certainly lead to success and will not allow envy to settle in the child’s soul.
Links
- I don't envy you (a little about envy)
- Envy is a terrible feeling..., women's social network MyJulia.ru
It is known how difficult and difficult period children experience during adolescence. This is the time of their growing up, when their first, albeit not final, views on life are formed. A small person with the body of an almost adult and the psyche of a child, according to many teachers and child psychologists, is a very dangerous and unpredictable mixture. A teenager already associates himself in many ways with adults, without yet having the consciousness and views that allow him to be called an adult. In adolescence, puberty comes to an end, the play of hormones and their own vision in the world around them is not always perceived adequately. Teenagers have many problems, one of the most important is proper relationships with peers and showing emotions towards their peers.
Reasons for envy.
Thing or gadget.
Gone are the days when all children had the same toys. Modern industry produces electronic gadgets of varying characteristics and costs. Not every teenager is able to understand that something costs a lot of money, but the family does not have such funds - all the money goes to providing food and the most important things. And parents should also take into account the fact that during adolescence, the teenager’s assessment of his peers changes. And sometimes a child is painfully aware of the fact that other children have more expensive and modern iPhones, while he has a simple phone. Parents have two options - to purchase the necessary thing so as not to hear the child’s requests. But then new requests may follow, and the child will turn into an ordinary blackmailer. Or sit down with the child at home in the evening and show that there is no money yet to buy the thing he needs, that he needs to be patient for a while. A sincere, confidential conversation will help the teenager understand his mother and father, and the child will stop pestering them with requests.
Article A child is selfish, how not to raise an egoist
Comparison.
You should not compare your teenager out loud in the family circle with other children. There may be different reasons for comparison - behavior, academic performance, education. This comparison has a depressing effect. The child will begin to perceive the other teenager, who was held up as an example, as his enemy and envy him. Moreover, parents should be self-critical of themselves - they themselves are not ideal, and at work they are not always successful either. It is necessary to form in small steps, imperceptibly, his skills and attitude towards business. And the baby will have no reason to be jealous.
Guilt.
Teenage envy has another side - those children who are envied. It is clear that all children cannot be successful athletes and excellent students. But the paradox is that some teenagers, who are faster than others in their development, feel a sense of guilt towards others for the fact that they are not so successful. If a child is successful in one thing, there are activities in which he may fall behind. And those children who envy him can push him into a situation where he could get hurt. For example, an excellent student may not always turn out to be a good swimmer or runner - being pushed into the water or running away from dogs can end in tragedy. Therefore, psychologists advise not to brag about your achievements, so as not to arouse envy among peers.
Communication between teenagers.
During adolescence, the child's first self-esteem occurs. The teenager sees the attitude of other children towards himself and strives for recognition. It is important for adults at this time to know with whom and where their son spends time, and what children he communicates with. It is no secret that for the sake of authority in a teenage group, children can commit a crime. Group leaders are envied by others and looked up to. Therefore, it is important to know who is in charge of the children, and whether there is a danger that a group of children could be brought to the dock. It is necessary to explain to the teenager that authorities on the street are temporary, that there is a higher goal.
