It is known how difficult and difficult period children experience during adolescence. This is the time of their growing up, when their first, albeit not final, views on life are formed. A small person with the body of an almost adult and the psyche of a child, according to many teachers and child psychologists, is a very dangerous and unpredictable mixture. A teenager already associates himself in many ways with adults, without yet having the consciousness and views that allow him to be called an adult. The teenage period comes to an end puberty, the play of hormones and his own vision in the world around him are not always perceived adequately. Teenagers have many problems, one of the most important is proper relationships with peers and showing emotions towards their peers.
Reasons for envy.
Thing or gadget.
Gone are the days when all children had the same toys. Modern industry produces electronic gadgets of varying characteristics and costs. Not every teenager is able to understand that something costs a lot of money, but the family does not have such funds - all the money goes to providing food and the most important things. And parents should also take into account the fact that during adolescence, the teenager’s assessment of his peers changes. And sometimes the child painfully perceives the fact that other children have more expensive and modern iPhones, while he still has a simple phone. Parents have two options - to purchase the necessary thing so as not to hear the child’s requests. But then new requests may follow, and the child will turn into an ordinary blackmailer. Or sit down with the child at home in the evening and show that there is no money yet to buy the thing he needs, that he needs to be patient for a while. A sincere, confidential conversation will help the teenager understand his mother and father, and the child will stop pestering them with requests.
Article A child is selfish, how not to raise an egoist
Comparison.
You should not compare your teenager out loud in the family circle with other children. There may be different reasons for comparison - behavior, academic performance, education. This comparison has a depressing effect. The child will begin to perceive the other teenager, who was held up as an example, as his enemy and envy him. Moreover, parents should be self-critical of themselves - they themselves are not ideal, and at work they are not always successful either. It is necessary to form in small steps, imperceptibly, his skills and attitude towards business. And the baby will have no reason to be jealous.
Guilt.
Teenage envy has another side - those children who are envied. It is clear that all children cannot be successful athletes and excellent students. But the paradox is that some teenagers, who are faster than others in their development, feel a sense of guilt towards others for the fact that they are not so successful. If a child is successful in one thing, there are activities in which he may fall behind. And those children who envy him can push him into a situation where he could get hurt. For example, an excellent student may not always turn out to be a good swimmer or runner - being pushed into the water or running away from dogs can end in tragedy. Therefore, psychologists advise not to brag about your achievements, so as not to arouse envy among peers.
Communication between teenagers.
During adolescence, the child's first self-esteem occurs. The teenager sees the attitude of other children towards himself and strives for recognition. It is important for adults at this time to know with whom and where their son spends time, and what children he communicates with. It is no secret that for the sake of authority in a teenage group, children can commit a crime. Group leaders are envied by others and looked up to. Therefore, it is important to know who is in charge of the children, and whether there is a danger that a group of children could be brought to the dock. It is necessary to explain to the teenager that authorities on the street are temporary, that there is a higher goal.
One of the most unpleasant feelings for a person is envy. It can literally corrode the soul from the inside, including that of a child. Moreover: it is at a young age that it is most dangerous. After all, if it becomes a habit at the age of 3-4, then over the years it will become more and more difficult to get rid of it...
What is envy?
Probably everyone is susceptible to envy to one degree or another: adults, teenagers, preschoolers. And this is actually completely natural. Because everyone wants to be better, smarter, stronger, more successful, to have something that you don’t have now. But in this matter it is important, to put it exaggeratedly, a sense of proportion. It’s one thing: to see how someone reaches new heights - and try to repeat and surpass them, working on yourself, improving. In this case, envy acts, in essence, as a motivating factor and catalyst for positive changes. And it’s a completely different matter: seeing other people’s successes, wanting them to disappear, denying their seriousness and significance, and feeling discriminated against. Such an emotion only gets in the way, a person gets angry, offended by the whole world, has complexes, withdraws into himself - in fact, this is what is called “black envy.”
And small children, even at the age of 2-3 years, are fully susceptible to it. For them it looks like this. For example, a friend from the playground got a new, beautiful and expensive one? And I want the same one for myself, even though they recently bought me a similar one, but simpler! Or, let’s say, in kindergarten they praised another girl for her success in? I don’t want to go to kindergarten, the teachers there are bad, and I will never communicate with this “friend”. My older brother is already allowed to eat, but I’m only given one slice? He is not my brother, and you are not my parents (here, however, envy is also mixed in, which must be fought separately)!
In children, envy sometimes takes surprising forms, and sometimes it is even difficult to recognize this particular feeling in them. Therefore, if you notice any of the following principles of your baby’s behavior, think about its reasons:
damage: taking away or, even more so, breaking someone else’s much-desired figure, spoiling a beautifully molded figurine from another child - all this helps the child physically get rid of the object of his envy;
repetition: in order not to feel worse than others, you need to get this in any convenient way - including the persuasion of parents, ostentation, whims, tears,;
criticism: devaluing the achievements of another helps to assert oneself, to convince oneself and everyone around that speed or skill are worth nothing, and the child himself, they say, can be no worse, and his sled is even cooler;
ignoring: the child can remove the object of envy by excluding him from his life - he does not notice the “former” friend, does not allow him to play together, does not admire his toys or successes.
For young children, envy is especially difficult because of a combination of two things. First: a child at this age is egocentric by nature, he is at the center of the universe - and therefore, in his opinion, he should have all the best and be the favorite of everyone around him. The second point: the child does not understand that buying everything and being the best at everything is also impossible. This dissonance gives rise to deep resentment.
What to do?
First of all, you need to understand that you cannot expect that envy will go away on its own. Yes, the feeling directed against a specific “competitor” will eventually weaken and calm down. But its place will be taken by another, albeit a little stronger. And then again and again - and there is a high probability that your child will grow up to be an envious person who will not be able to rejoice in the successes of others (even loved ones), or calmly observe their achievements and purchases. And therefore, you shouldn’t leave things to chance; the sooner you intervene in the situation, the better. But, as in other situations related to raising children, you cannot use the stick method in the form of prohibitions and punishments and expect that the problem can be solved quickly. Be patient!
To cope with childhood envy, you need to influence the situation comprehensively - only in this case can you correct the development of character. To do this, you can use the following recommendations:
set an example: if dad or mom make phrases like “What kind of car did Uncle Kolya buy, you can’t make money on that honestly!”, it’s stupid to expect that the baby will behave differently - if you can’t do without it, try not to express such thoughts out loud with children;
don’t compare: we are all different, some are strong in one thing, some are more successful in another, so combing everyone “with the same brush” does not allow us to see the child’s real achievements - and words that someone else is better than him or her the other is more expensive, it is more correct not to pronounce;
praise: to a child who has not received enough, compliments addressed to another (even if not uttered by you) seem unfair (“I’m not worse, but only him is appreciated”) - and the child’s fairly noted achievements will give him confidence, he will pay less attention to others;
motivate: if the child likes how his friend runs fast or reads poetry well, emphasize that he can certainly do no worse if he makes an effort to work on himself - this will teach him that nothing happens for nothing and everything needs to be earned, it has its price;
teach self-respect: the child must understand that it is impossible to be the best at everything, but at the same time clearly know what he is strong in - then he will calmly perceive that someone is good at skating, but he has mastered it better, which is what he needs pay more attention;
download: children who have a life full of impressions are less susceptible to envy - they have no time, every day they have a kindergarten, and sections, exciting trips with their parents, where they gain serious experience from achievements and failures;
discuss: small child It is often difficult to express one’s emotions due to limitations vocabulary and misunderstanding of his feelings, which aggravates his experiences - talking about what envy is and how you yourself dealt with it in the past will help him understand himself better;
explain: children need to be explained, you can’t buy everything (even if it’s a lot), they need to be managed wisely, spending on what is necessary and will be used (if your child, in principle, does not like to draw, there is no particular point in purchasing “like a friend’s” ?);
pay attention: be involved in the baby’s life, be interested in his daily activities, successes, defeats - no matter how busy you are, you should find at least half an hour a day for such conversations so that the child understands that you value, respect, love him;
don't charge: busy parents They often shower the baby with gifts, which devalues them, he stops appreciating his toys, they lose the meaning of the game for him - only novelty becomes important, which is why other people’s toys cause such envy (“I still don’t have one like that!”);
teach to appreciate: a person who is happy with what he has is not familiar with envy in principle - and this must be taught to the child, emphasizing that what he has (toys, clothes, etc.) fully covers his real needs and needs in new ones it is minimal;
emphasize deprivation: the child needs to be shown that many are deprived of what he has - with the right approach this will not only teach him to appreciate what he has, but also to help those who need it, which will help instill in him skills in the future;
pamper: but you shouldn’t go too far, the child should experience joy from “random” gifts not for or, but bought “just like that” - they just have to be really needed and desired, and not purchased without a special idea;
don’t skimp: cheap toys allow you to save money, but they will probably break down quickly - so it’s better to buy less, but high-quality things that will work for a long time and will not make your child feel inferior compared to other children;
create: practice shows that toys created in a single copy (for example, sewn with your own hands), and even in the creation of which the child himself is involved, are especially highly valued by children - having such, it is difficult to envy others (your own is at least as good, if not better !);
do not blackmail: the promise to buy something in exchange for the child’s achievements seems to be a good motivating factor, but in case of defeat it can play a cruel joke - the child will think that he did not live up to expectations, that he is bad, and because of this he will not get a long-awaited toy ;
wean off bragging: this is a topic for a separate conversation, but the love of bragging about your toys or skills, on the one hand, gives rise to the envy of other children (and this is a direct path to the lack of friends), on the other hand, it becomes fertile ground for the development of envy of others;
instill respect for other people's feelings, successes and property - children must understand that someone worked hard to achieve their goal, that what is theirs is what is theirs, and what is someone else's, and you cannot touch someone else's without asking, but you can do what is with your own. what you think is necessary;
allow mistakes: do not scold a child if he exchanged an expensive toy for a trifle - their value for him is similar in emotional charge, but after a while, when he wants to play with a “lost” toy, give the exchange as an example, he will learn to feel responsible for his own;
teach exchange: most toys captivate a child for a short time, therefore, instead of buying “like a friend,” it is better to offer to exchange them - ask this friend to give the desired fun for a couple of days, and yours will give away one of his own for the same time, which he will turn to attention comrade;
trust: more independence in making all decisions (whether it’s buying a toy, making a choice, or selecting for a nursery) will help the child share the burden of responsibility - he will feel that everything he has was chosen by himself, and therefore will value it more.
And talk more! Ideally, you need to explain each restriction in a language the child can understand. Does his playmate have more and better toys? Great, but to buy them, his parents work almost all the time - and practically do not play with the child: you don’t want that, do you? Or, for example, is a beloved friend allowed to eat candy to her heart's content? Okay, but apparently both she and her mother just don’t know that this is dangerous for. The more examples, comparisons, clarifications, the more better baby will understand your point. And then he will stop paying attention to others, and will begin to live exclusively his own life - bright, rich, interesting! And you will help him with this.
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is a feeling of annoyance that arises in response to the success or well-being of another person, a feeling of one’s own inferiority or inferiority in comparison with other people. Every child has envy in one form or another, so it is very important to find out in a timely manner how susceptible the child is to this feeling and to what extent he is able to cope with it. The feeling of envy in children is always associated with the feeling that someone else has something more or better than them. And thanks to the direct child behavior manifestations of children's envy are always much brighter than manifestations of this feeling in adults.
Causes of childhood envy
Envy is divided by psychologists into white and black. White envy is when you want to have something, it is a desire for better. Black envy is when you want someone else to not have something at any cost, even to the point of destruction. It’s very bad when envy turns black. Why can this happen?
- The main psychological cause of envy is a reduced sense of self-esteem (including in adults), which children overcompensate with self-affirmation.
- Another of the main reasons is when parents do not understand the psychology of envy and naively and arrogantly hope to protect their child from such an insidious feeling, placing at his disposal everything imaginable and inconceivable. The catch is that when the child starts to get tired of it all and becomes bored, envy can suddenly flare up with enormous force.
- When making his childhood decisions, the child does not feel free. When a child exchanges an expensive fashionable toy for some kind of nonsense and the parents begin to argue, they thereby let the child understand that the child himself and his experiences are parental property.
- Life is perceived by a child as a palisade of restrictions: we can’t afford this at all, we can’t afford that, etc. Children’s perception in in this case mainly depends on how the parents themselves perceive life. If parents constantly walk around with a lean face and consider themselves deprived of fate, the child will very quickly lose the ability to rejoice in everything that he has.
- A lenient attitude towards aggressive manifestations of envy in children and the demonstration of this quality by parents themselves also do not have the best effect on children.
Children's worldview and children's envy
Just like any other feeling, children's envy first of all requires recognition and acceptance. Envy is even more natural for children than for adults. This is due to the fact that, by its nature, children’s worldview is egocentric; it seems to them that the whole world exists only for their sake, and if suddenly this turns out not to be the case, children can perceive this state of affairs extremely painfully. Of course, children can be very upset if someone dances better than them, knows more poems, jumps higher, or if suddenly the most long-awaited toy or treat is bought for another child. In their understanding, this state of affairs is more than unfair, and this can often result in anger on their part.
Types of envious children
It is customary to distinguish several types of envious children:
- "Unfairly deprived." The abilities of these children were not properly recognized or appreciated.
- "Stern Judge" Such children take responsibility and courage to define others with impartial characteristics.
- "Lord God." Children of this type decide whether someone deservedly suffered a misfortune, whether someone was punished fairly or unfairly.
- "Salieri". This character “eliminates” Mozart with a clear conscience, considering this to be the absolute norm.
How to deal with childhood envy
- Under no circumstances should you compare the successes and qualities of your own children with the successes and qualities of their peers - through such a comparison, parents themselves can create a feeling of envy in their children. Children will begin to envy not only the real, but also the imaginary successes of other children, while underestimating their own.
- You should not belittle the achievements of other children; it is better to explain to the child that each person has his own talents, and it is simply impossible to have all the talents at the same time. At the same time, it is important to explain to the child what exactly he himself is good at.
- From early childhood, you need to teach a child to be happy for others, so that the child clearly understands that in some ways his friend is better, and in some ways he himself is better.
- It is necessary to teach a child to use feelings of envy for his own purposes, as a kind of impetus for development. For example, if a child is jealous of a friend's athletic achievements and strength, you can encourage him to think about what he can do to achieve the same thing. Very often, the path of true masters of their craft begins with envy. Therefore, constructive parents are quite capable of making this feeling.
- It is important to teach a child to appreciate what is available to him so that he can enjoy the things that he deals with in reality. After all, many children only dream of what he has. For example, not all children have favorite pets, a collection of cars, or their own room.
- When buying clothes, toys and school supplies for your child, you need to give him the opportunity to choose. Parents may not always know what exactly a child needs in order to become “one of their kind.” And if a child constantly feels that he is poorly dressed, that he does not have such a fashionable satchel and not as bright notebooks as the rest, then feelings of envy cannot be avoided.
- Supporting a child in his achievements, highlighting his strengths and helping him develop his abilities - these are three basic rules for parents that will certainly lead to success and will not allow envy to settle in the child’s soul.
Links
- I don't envy you (a little about envy)
- Envy is a terrible feeling..., women's social network MyJulia.ru
Envy is a fairly common phenomenon among children. This is due to the fact that children often compare themselves with others. And often parents do not know how to react to the manifestation of such a phenomenon in the child’s behavior.
How can you tell if your child may be becoming envious? It is generally accepted that envy is a negative phenomenon and is not approved by society. That is why it is rare for anyone to admit to others (and to themselves) that they are envious. However, envy is often disguised as certain feelings by which we can recognize it. For example, if in the presence of your child one of the children is praised, and you notice that he becomes irritated, and perhaps even aggressive, then most likely he experiences a feeling of envy. Depending on the character of the child, as well as on the type of his temperament, in different children envy can “hide” under various emotions - anger, irritability, apathy, sadness. In any case, if you notice that a child reacts in a special way, more vividly than usual, to the success or advantage of another, then you should think about it.
What to do if your child is constantly jealous of other children?
1. Observe your behavior. How do you react to other people's successes? For the expensive things they purchased? Very often, children unknowingly copy their parents’ behavior style, and in this case, in order to cope with the child’s envy, you must first correct your own behavior.
2. If you do not find reasons for your behavior, then ask the child what exactly he is jealous of - perhaps some important need is not satisfied. Discuss with your child how much he really needs this. Perhaps you will see some rationality in his arguments. If not, explain your position firmly but calmly.
3.If a child is jealous of another’s possession of a material thing ( fashionable jacket, doll, things), then you can offer him the following: You and he are saving up money for this, and he will try to earn part of it himself (by deeds, actions, correctly completed tasks, etc.). Thus, the child will direct his energy not to envy, but to achieving the goal, with your support and understanding.
4. Never compare your child with other children. By doing this, parents personally prepare the ground for envy. If a child envies the success of other children, or character qualities, then you can invite him to think about how he can achieve the same result, or develop the same qualities in himself. Don't forget to mark it positive qualities(determination, good memory, intelligence) and remind him of his own, even small, achievements. Children tend to compare the achievements of their peers with their own failures. The task of parents in such a situation is to correct the negative attitude. The correct choice of words in a conversation with a child is very important, since a negative reaction from an adult will only aggravate the situation and make the child withdraw.
5.Children who are jealous often lack self-confidence. They feel that they could achieve more, but they constantly give in to others and let them get ahead. Thus, they develop a feeling of annoyance, which gradually develops into envy. Such a child needs the help of parents and a psychologist who will help him increase self-esteem and confidence in his abilities.
If you are faced with the fact that your child is jealous, try to accept his feelings and not judge them - your child becomes an adult, focuses on the people around him, inevitably compares himself with them, and therefore cannot help but experience a feeling of envy. However, it is in your power to make this process as least painful for him as possible, and perhaps even help him understand himself and become a better person.
Based on materials from the sites: http://mamiki.ru. http://oz-lady.ru/.
