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"Let's never quarrel again!"- the hero of the film says to his beloved girl, repeating the words of millions of lovers who said this before him, and anticipating the words of billions who are yet to say this. However, both in life and in movies, everything happens differently. A year, a month, a week, a day, or, in the worst case, an hour passes, and the sweethearts fight again. Why does this happen, and is it possible to avoid quarrels altogether?
It turns out that quarreling is not only harmful, but also useful. After all, during a quarrel, people express their dissatisfaction, express accumulated complaints, and release negative emotions. And if a person does not talk about his experiences and keeps everything to himself, sooner or later he may explode. But everything is good in moderation. You shouldn’t let quarrels happen too often and turn into a regular ritual, like breakfast-lunch-dinner. She told us how to maintain balance and avoid unnecessary quarrels psychologist Maria Pugacheva:
Quarrels come in different forms. Some partners always sweetly bark at each other, others periodically swear for various reasons, and still others can generally drive each other to a nervous breakdown. Some people quarrel sincerely because they are overwhelmed with feelings and emotions, while others are simply trying to push through their interests.
Yes, we need to sort things out , you need to talk, you need to discuss, argue and prove something, but it would be better to do this more or less constructively, and not with the help of abuse.
If quarrels happen from time to time, this is adequate, this is normal for developing relationships. y, because everything that moves forward and gets richer must periodically encounter some difficulties and overcome crises.
This doesn't mean that if people don't fight, there's something wrong with their relationship. . Perhaps, on the contrary, they have no mutual claims, they do not notice each other’s shortcomings, so they are happy with everything and are happy together. This is an ideal option, one can only dream about it. But there may not be quarrels for other reasons. For example, complete indifference to each other’s lives and prospects in a relationship, or fear - in those couples where one partner is overly authoritarian, and the other does not even dare to make a word in front of him.
I would recommend treating quarrels more constructively: don’t worry if they happened because of nonsense, analyze them from different sides if they carry serious content, and try to objectively evaluate, reconsider your shortcomings and the shortcomings of your partner, trying to fix something for the better.
If you feel that there are more fights in your relationship than you would like, you should try to change this. The old principle works here: if you want to change the world, start with yourself. So you start with yourself: do something the way your partner wants, and look at the result. If your partner responds in the same positive way, and tries in the same way to change something for the better in himself, to meet you halfway - very great, your relationship will enter a new promising phase! If you notice that your partner likes this, but doesn’t do anything constructive in return, you can carefully and kindly hint to him: “Look how good I’ve become, and you? Let’s do this together!” Well, if over time you begin to understand that this is a one-sided game, your partner does not want to do anything on his part, then you should seriously think about such a relationship: do they have a future?
But the problem is that all these correct thoughts usually disappear at the moment of a quarrel - they are replaced by completely different thoughts and emotions, which are best expressed in hurtful words and a growling tone. This is why it is most difficult to stop a quarrel once it has already begun. Maria Pugacheva explained how this can be done:
The best way to do this is through humor. : Say something funny to lighten the mood. For example: “oh, I haven’t turned green with anger at you yet, look at me carefully, please?”, “wait, wait, let’s pause for a minute, it seems to me that you’re so swollen with resentment that you’re about to burst.”
Another option - during a quarrel, you can say: “I’m saying this because I love you, you’re the best in the world,” “I want to get to the bottom of this because I love you so much that I can’t imagine that you’re just here.” a little imperfect." Imagine how comfortable and interesting it will be for you, remember some special iconic things - after all, every couple has them - words, expressions, cute nicknames, and try to use them too.
Do you often quarrel? Do you know how to stop quarrels? How does this work?
Why do people fight? Strange question. Usually they ask about the reasons for swearing. And here - about the tasks. Why pose the question this way?
Here's why. The reasons for swearing are very clear - lack of restraint, lack of the correct format of communication, general lack of culture, intensity of passions. Writing about this is both boring and useless.
Another thing is the question: “Why do people swear?” This is where you can say something useful.
Swearing in a couple, oddly enough, means that people still love each other.
This may be a paradoxical thought for some, but it is true.
People who fall out of love with each other don't fight. They don't care about each other. Feelings have cooled down, I don’t want to communicate. And even if you have to communicate, they try to minimize such communication.
Swearing is a very intense communication. You can't get away with just a couple of sentences. You need to put your soul into this. Having a fight is such a celebration of the body and spirit that not all sex can compare. In this sense, the shootout scene in the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith is wonderful. There, the main characters destroy the entire house (grotesque, of course, but in general everything is shown correctly). They destroy, let me emphasize, literally.
And why? Because they love each other.
Something just interferes with this love.
Think about it, please read it. People fight when something prevents them from being together. And they fight in order to find and eliminate this obstacle.
What could be such an obstacle? Anything - reluctance or desire to have children, someone's parents, different sexual tastes, spending time together, tastes, interests, inclinations. Anything can be an obstacle in a relationship.
So people argue, trying to understand this obstacle and remove it.
Unfortunately, people most often fall into swearing to prove their own rightness and destroy another. However, it would be strange to wait for something else - this is swearing.
However, there are cases when swearing develops into normal conversation. True, this only happens when both partners are exhausted, and only if they remain in sight of each other. Then, having become exhausted, people magically gain the ability to hear another and pay attention to his condition.
People start talking and, since they want to be together, a solution is found. I repeat, a solution can be found because both want to be together.
All you need to do is swear until the last moment, without running away. Here is a video instruction, the same excerpt from Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
The heroes reached the point of exhaustion, and therefore were able to take a step towards each other and, um, talk.
Such is the magical power of swearing. Correct swearing, I will especially note.
Is it possible without swearing? Of course you can! Moreover, it is better without swearing. What is needed for this? Be a little psychologically savvy, understand the basic laws of married life and at least minimally discuss the difficulties that arise with each other.
That's all I have, thanks for your attention.
Why do people swear? For what reason does foul language still not disappear and is not going to lose ground? What happens to a person when he swears obscenely? We'll figure it out.
Did cavemen swear?
Scientists studying the development of language and the psychology of swearing claim that “obscene” words are present in any human language. Every language, dialect or dialect, dead or alive, used by millions or a few tribes, has its share of "forbidden" words.
Already in the first examples of human writing, dating back to about 3000 BC. BC, indecent descriptions of parts of the human body and their functions were discovered - and written monuments certainly serve as a reflection of oral tradition. Most psychologists and evolutionary linguists suggest that the emergence of swear words occurred simultaneously with the emergence of language as such, that is, at least about 100 thousand years BC.
Who swears the most?
According to statistics, teenagers and men swear more. And university rectors use foul language more often than librarians and kindergarten employees. The use of swear words is positively correlated with extraversion and emotional choleric temperament. Conversely, a negative relationship is observed with the level of compliance, religiosity and sexual arousal.
So why do we express ourselves?
Scientists have identified many functions of profanity. In ancient Rus', for example, swearing performed a ritual function, being included in ritual texts. We all know swearing as an interjection, as an affective display of emotion, as an act of aggression, as a means of humiliation, as friendly banter and encouragement. Foul language can be a way of expressing rebellion or even a means of establishing contact between people.
What happens to the body during foul language
Some researchers consider swearing to be a symbol of connections between the rational areas of the brain and the parts responsible for emotions.
When a person utters curses, his pulse quickens, his breathing becomes more shallow - all the signs of psychological arousal are evident.
But just as swearing can be a stimulating factor, it often becomes an indicator of peace and harmony. There are studies showing that when we are in the company of close friends, the more relaxed we are, the more we swear.
There is a well-known curious case with the pillars of Russian literature - Leo Tolstoy and Maxim Gorky. When Gorky arrived in Yasnaya Polyana, Tolstoy used a lot of obscene expressions in his conversation with him. Gorky was upset by this: he decided that the genius was trying to “adapt” to his “proletarian” level, and did not understand: L. Tolstoy, on the contrary, wanted to show in this way that he accepted him “as one of his own.”
Which neurons are “responsible” for swearing?
We all know that human speech is not a completely controlled process, especially emotional speech.
In recent years, scientists have been exploring the neural mechanisms of profanity by studying the brains of patients with Tourette syndrome.
Tourette's syndrome is a rare neurological disorder of unknown origin, characterized by nervous tics, grimacing, and involuntary shouting of obscenities. Such painful, irresistible swearing was called “coprolalia” (from the Greek “kopros” - feces, dirt and “lalia” - speech).
Of course, coprolalia brings a lot of inconvenience to patients with Tourette's syndrome: a stream of abuse can cause discomfort to others, sometimes erupting from the lips of a child or teenager. In addition, curse words often turn out to be extremely incorrect, referring to the race, sexual orientation and appearance of others.
Scientists became interested in coprolalia in patients with Tourette's syndrome in the hope of finding out the mechanisms that motivate a person to use obscene language. It was found out which areas of the brain of patients with Tourette syndrome are activated during an attack of coprolalia.
It turned out that during such attacks several groups of neurons are activated at once: the basal ganglia - neurons responsible for coordinating parts of the body, and the so-called Broca's center - an area of the cerebral cortex that ensures the understanding and organization of speech.
There was also evidence of excitation of neural circuits associated with the limbic system, known to be involved in emotion regulation. At the same time, and especially important, the “executive” areas of the brain were involved, where decisions are made whether to act or refrain from action.
These studies show us how complex and contradictory the mechanism for the emergence of obscene language can be. First, there is a strong emotional urge to say something rude, then the speech system is activated to come up with curse words, then the “control” center tries to restrain the speech act, and, sometimes, it succeeds. Thus, as we see, both highly developed areas of the brain and its archaic areas are involved in the process of swearing.
How obscene language increases the pain threshold
Many people know that swearing sometimes becomes a good way to deal with stress through the release of emotions, but there is also scientific evidence for this. According to research by British scientists, swearing can increase pain tolerance in foul-mouthed subjects.
A group of students took part in an experiment on the effect of swearing on the pain threshold: young people placed their hands in ice water and tried to keep them under water for as long as possible.
In the control group, subjects did not have the opportunity to swear when uttering neutral phrases. In the experimental group, even those who do not use obscene language in everyday life had to swear. The study's results are impressive: swearing increased heart rate, decreased pain perception, and helped students endure pain longer by 75%. This change in the pain threshold is most likely due to an increase in the foul-mouthed adrenaline level.
Interestingly, the positive effect of swearing (pain reduction) was greater in women than in men, even if there was a tendency to dramatize the pain. In men, on the contrary, the tendency to dramatize reduced the positive effect of swearing. This is especially interesting in light of other studies showing, as we remember, that men are more likely to use offensive language, while women, according to statistics, are more likely to exaggerate and dramatize their physical suffering.
Foul language in many of these communities has
multidirectional background: since anonymity is the reason for the initial equality of Internet users, then in these conditions of equality, swearing turns out to be a tool of manifestation of aggression, force, power and humiliation. And, ultimately, along with masterful command of words, a way of building a kind of hierarchy among anonymous Internet users.
Also, obscene expressions are often used to create a humorous effect, sometimes benevolent, but often aggressive, which also unites the community by humiliating the objects of jokes, and in some cases, foul language can serve as one of the ways to build a specific group identity.
Today, obscene language can be heard everywhere in Daugavpils: in public transport, in a store, on the street. It seems that among the residents of Daugavpils, foul language has become an integral part of communication. Many people say: “We don’t swear, we talk to them.”
Why does a person curse?
Illegal language has been and remains a problem in society. It existed even “under Tsar Gorokh.” At different times, the use of swear words was punished in different ways. It even went as far as executions. But times change, and swear words remain an unchanged attribute of our communication.
Everyone, young and old, knows that swear words are bad. After all, they are a sign of low speech culture, bad manners of a person, his lack of restraint and aggressiveness. Therefore, why do we again and again insert into our speech an appropriate and not so “tightly twisted” word? Why do we need this?
Why do people swear?
It turns out that there are several reasons why people start swearing. Moreover, they are different for different ages.
So, the child pronounces his first “bad” word like any new word for him: simply repeating what he heard somewhere. Then everything depends on the reaction of others. If the reaction was neutral (they didn’t react at all) or emotionally weak (the adults calmly and briefly explained the negativity of the statement), then the child quickly loses interest in the new word and stops using it. But if the reaction of others was strong: it caused laughter or excessive anger, it was cyclical in nature (adults periodically remembered the “incident”, reproducing the emotions caused by it), the child begins to perceive such a word as magical and influential, so the desire to repeat it intensifies, with Over time it becomes a habit.
A teenager, unlike a child, begins to realize the negativism of swear words. But resorting to them, he feels grown up and brave: “Look, I know these words and I’m not afraid to say them!”
For an adult, the use of profane language can be a banal habit (as for a child), or a means of negative self-affirmation (as for teenagers), or a means of reducing psychological stress (cursing - it became easier), or a manner of expressing one’s own feelings and emotions in this way. Sometimes swear words become part of the image (as a tribute to fashion) or a manifestation of protest against the norms of society.
As you can see, there can be many reasons. But no matter what they are, in their psychological basis, swear words carry a conscious (and sometimes subconscious) desire to humiliate someone or trample them into the dirt, level them to the ground. And such a desire is a sign of despair from the inability to be strong and self-sufficient. That is, it turns out that the need to swear comes from our spiritual weakness, from our psychological shortcomings, complexes and a deep sense of our inferiority.
You can always find an excuse for yourself: “But they simply don’t understand me otherwise!”, “I can’t restrain myself - it’s just tearing me to pieces”, “I don’t have enough words”, “Only swearing makes speech colorful and bright.” But all these excuses are self-deception, because swearing creates the illusion of strength, the illusion of communication, the illusion of courage. This is a screen behind which our deepest fears are hidden, our self-disdain, our inability to understand others and simply express our opinions, emotions, feelings. This is a disease that can be treated by faith in yourself, in your strength, love and respect for others.
From a scientific point of view, profanity is a heavy negative energy that has the ability to create its own energy field. Of course it's negative. Japanese scientists conducted a number of scientific experiments. They cursed the water heavily and then poured it on the wheat. Subsequently, it turned out that less than half of what was sown sprouted, while the seeds, watered with water, over which poems were read and laudatory speeches were pronounced, all sprouted. Therefore, it is worth considering how we affect ourselves and others when we allow abusive words to come out of our mouths.
To swear or not is up to us to decide. And if we don’t want to live without swear words, then at least we should do it consciously: taking responsibility for all the negativity that breaks out. Realizing that every word we say will definitely affect our lives. Remembering that foul language, like verbal garbage, cannot make us better, stronger, happier.
Well, here we are again quarreling with our loved one. Once again, anger, anger, and frustration are overwhelmed. No, why does he argue all the time?! After all, what he says is sheer nonsense! And in general we are right, we are right in everything! But he doesn’t! And no nails! None! None... But the quarrel happened with a loved one, and not with the guy in line... And my soul is restless. You don’t want to make trouble with someone you love. With them you only dream of tenderness and affection. So? So! This means that we must somehow maintain the relationship and make peace. How to do it right?
How to make peace with your loved one after a quarrel
A quarrel with a loved one is a very unpleasant and painful thing. Of course, you want to make peace as quickly as possible and drive away the tension in the air. But let's not rush. Let's do something, trying in the meantime to look at ourselves from the outside, putting ourselves in the place of our loved one and soberly assessing the situation. It is necessary to accept his right to his own point of view. Otherwise, if we approach him with the words: “Stop arguing, but I’m still right!”, the second stage of the quarrel will begin. But that’s not what we need!
In order to restore peace in a relationship, you don’t have to start proving that you’re right again. Because “either no one is right or everyone is right.” Even if a problem really exists, it should be discussed when both are in a favorable emotional state. And discuss the problem, not each other’s personality. At the same time, we cannot assume that we are always right and the man is always wrong. Like, a woman knows better. In this case, quarrels with your loved one will become regular. Because each person sees the solution to some issue in his own way. And his point of view has a right to exist.
It’s better to start a truce with the words: “It’s very hard for me when we quarrel! Let's not do it again! Our task is to improve relationships, and not to emerge victorious from a most often meaningless battle. If your loved one continues to sulk and does not make contact, you should wait. Well, we’ve already cooled down, but he hasn’t yet! Let's give him time. Let him go. For us, the main thing is to learn to listen. Let your loved one speak out if he wants. It may very well be that there is a grain of wisdom in his position. Or that the optimal solution to a problem will emerge from two opposing points of view. After all, it is viewed from different angles!
In general, in order for quarrels with a loved one not to be too painful for both us and him, we need to learn how to sort things out correctly. Firstly, you cannot conflict anywhere and anytime. For a quarrel, you need to choose both the time and the place. You should not make a scandal in the presence of strangers, before one of the two leaves for work or study, or during a pleasant vacation. The quarrel must be thought out. When it takes on a logical form, it will be possible to resolve any issue without offending each other needlessly.
If the scandal begins to gain momentum and cross the boundaries of what is reasonable, you should pull yourself together and stop. Nothing good will come from such a “dialogue”. Instead of trying to come to a consensus, it will result in mutual reproaches and insults. Therefore, when we feel that we are losing the ability to think, and our throat begins to tighten with rage, we slow down. We go into another room or go for a walk in the park and gather our thoughts. And only then, calmly, do we begin to discuss the problem again. If necessary.
I must say that often this is really necessary. Hiding dissatisfaction with the actions of a loved one, for fear of destroying the peace of the relationship, remaining silent and enduring is much more dangerous than expressing your complaints to him. Suppressed irritation will sooner or later burst out with a force similar to the force of a volcanic eruption. Then it will be very difficult to control your emotions. And who knows how this storm of anger will end. It is quite possible that it will be a complete disaster.
If a man loves, and we express ourselves kindly and calmly, he will certainly hear us. No, perhaps he will even object, but he will take note. And we will listen to him and also draw conclusions. If we don’t understand something, we ask you to explain it so that there is no misunderstanding in the relationship. And we will try to understand our loved one, no matter how difficult it may be. After all, if a conflict arose, it means that he is also confident in the correctness of his position. There is a possibility that we are wrong! People can be forgiven for making mistakes.
Well, okay, someone will say. Learning to quarrel is half the battle. How to avoid quarrels with your loved one in general? After all, this is almost the most expensive person in the world! Why are we fighting?
Picture of a quarrel with a loved one Why do we quarrel with our loved ones?
In general, quarrels usually occur between people who care about each other. If a person is uninteresting, he cannot do anything to offend you. What difference does it make what and how they are told or done? Even if we are caught up in this, it is unlikely that the conflict will be too violent. Well, let's argue, well, make a remark and calm down. Because he is an outsider. Passing. Another thing is a loved one. Our thoughts, desires, dreams are connected with it. Whether willingly or unwillingly, all his, even the most innocent, actions and words are noticed. And something, of course, touches a nerve. After all, the beloved is very close, right next to the heart. It is quite natural that some awkward movement of his causes, if not pain, then discomfort. Because it concerns us.
A quarrel with a loved one is an indicator that in a relationship, for its further development, the time has come to solve some problem. There is no point in avoiding it. Otherwise, the problem will grow to global proportions. How it will be resolved then, who knows. If you resolve the brewing conflict at the very beginning, everything will fall into place. People are imperfect, and each may be dissatisfied with something in the behavior of another. But we don’t know how to read other people’s thoughts. Consequently, we cannot know what someone is not happy with about us unless he says it himself. Well, when a neighbor, passer-by, or colleagues don’t like something, that’s okay. You won't be nice to everyone. But when to a loved one, this is already a serious question. Because if you don’t do anything and don’t try to change, you can lose it.
In principle, clarifying relationships helps people get to know each other better and improve. However, quarrels are only useful when there really is love. If it is doubtful, it is better not to worry yourself and go in different directions. Why empty scandals that will lead to nothing anyway? There are enough difficulties in life without them. Well, what if there is love, but quarrels happen too often? This means that we are too hot-tempered and conflict over trifles.
In this case, it would be advisable to work on yourself. And learn, when you feel tension in communication with your loved one, to internally agree with him. Even if, in our opinion, he is wrong. Then, when the tension subsides, we will discuss this issue. In the meantime, the main task is to avoid a quarrel. Well, when we couldn’t do without it, let’s not yell at each other in two voices at the same time. Let's let the man speak, and then we'll start squealing about our own. So, at least, you can hear something and be at least partly heard.
There is a good technique, the use of which helps to avoid any special conflicts. It is enough to come up with some kind of code word and agree with your loved one to pronounce it as soon as you want to make a row. Let it be a word: “giraffe”, “felt boot”, “umbrella”, “rocket”... Whatever. The main thing is to perceive it as a signal that it’s time to let off steam. Said a couple of times before the start of a conflict, this word will eventually turn into a kind of lightning rod.
Well, in general, of course, in order to reduce the number of quarrels to a minimum, you need to determine what their causes are. Perhaps this is a desire to change someone else or a desire to eliminate bad habits, mistrust, or resentment from a partner. All this does not necessarily result in a heated argument. A quarrel can also manifest itself as a painful silence. That's not what's important. The important thing is that two loving people cannot normally discuss the issues that undermine the foundation of a happy relationship. This should be learned. Love is a rare gift, it must be protected. It would be a shame if she disappeared due to some misunderstandings.
In general, quarrels with a loved one are the norm if people try to understand each other and take the opposite point of view. Only the unity of male and female worldviews can find a solution to any problem, no matter how complex it may be. And only such unity opens the true path to happiness.
