Adoption - where to start? How do you know if you are suitable as an adoptive parent? How to avoid making mistakes? How to prepare so as not to increase the number of children returning to orphanages?
Well-known educational psychologist, specialist in family structure, laureate of the Presidential Prize of the Russian Federation in the field of education, author of the book “Come to You” adopted child» Lyudmila Petranovskaya runs a series of articles “MINUS ONE” for those who want to take an adopted child into the family.
Unmarried parent
There was a time when it was believed that an unmarried person could not become a foster parent. Many people still think this way, not daring to go anywhere for fear that “they won’t let you do it without a husband.” But today such fears are completely unfounded.
An incomplete family has long ceased to be perceived as rare or incorrect; many “self-made” children live with one of the parents, and there is absolutely no doubt that a family with one parent is much better than Orphanage.
And then: if you are not married today, it does not follow from anything that you will not be married in a year (alas, just like vice versa). So there are no direct contraindications.
On the other hand, accepting and raising a child, or even several children, without the support of a spouse is not an easy task. When making such a decision, you need to think everything over especially carefully.
It is objectively more difficult for one parent to do the most ordinary everyday things: earn enough money, run a household, care for children. When there are two parents, they can replace each other if someone is sick, very tired, in a bad mood, or is stuck at work. One has to get out on his own or rely on outside help. This is what you should think about first.
Who can help, if anything? Your parents? Brothers and sisters? Older children? Friends? Neighbours? Nannies? Even if until now you have become accustomed to relying only on yourself everywhere and always, it’s time to reconsider this attitude: it is one thing to be responsible for one person, and an adult (yourself), and another thing to be responsible for two, one of whom is a child from orphanage. Here Bolivar may not be able to stand it...
Often, unmarried people are very successful in their profession. And, naturally, they cannot afford to quit their jobs after the birth of the child. But don't be under the illusion that everything will remain the same. At least for the adaptation period, the load will have to be reduced. If this were your own child, surrounded with love and care from birth, he, albeit without much joy, would survive your returns after midnight or business trips.
A child who has just found a family is a different matter. It will be years before he believes that you are in his life forever. And at first, separation or lack of communication with you can cause him extreme stress and make it very difficult to form an attachment, which is precisely why you took him in. No most expensive private kindergarten will not console him. He will only need you.
Therefore, prepare a “springboard” in advance: set aside money, talk with management and ask to transfer you to part-time work or find something to do without necessarily being present at the workplace (there are many such opportunities now), take advantage of the financial support of relatives. Get yourself household appliances to save time on household chores.
Don’t be shy to ask for help, including financial help: ask your work colleagues to buy you washing machine or a sofa for a child, explain that you need this much more than the teddy bears and hares that they were going to give you in connection with the addition to the family. Please pay Special attention on those forms of arrangement where the payment of benefits or wages is expected; if you really want to adopt, you can do it later, when everything gets better.
Psychological support is also important. If spouses receive great psychological support from each other, they can sit together in the evening, drink tea, discuss what happened, a single parent sometimes finds himself in a situation where there is literally “no one to talk to.” In the process of a child’s difficult adaptation to the family, in case of any troubles with him, disappointments, illnesses, it is very important that the parent himself can draw strength from somewhere, so that someone can take care of him, listen, pity, pamper, console him .
Think ahead, who could it be? Your parents, friends, professionals, other adoptive moms and dads? Don’t tell yourself that you are used to relying only on your own strengths and “not giving up.” Believe me, the stress after the baby arrives can be so strong that the usual ways of “keeping yourself in control” simply won’t work. Be prepared to get all the help you can and don't be shy about asking for it.
Often parents raising a child alone ask the question: how harmful is it for a child to grow up without a father or without a mother? How will this affect his development, his future?
Of course, a harmonious full family - the best option for children. In it they can see a model of behavior between a man and a woman, observe how people build relationships, how they quarrel and make peace, how they take care of each other and children, and how they express their love. All this will be very useful in the future; it is known that children from two-parent families in which parents loved and respected each other are usually more prosperous in their personal lives. However, we have to admit that even among two-parent families, not everyone is harmonious.
Not every child is lucky enough to grow up with parents who live in love and harmony, and this does not mean that it would be better for him not to be born and not to grow up. In the end, the behavioral models missing in childhood experience can be obtained not from parents: there are relatives, family friends, parents of friends.
Negative consequences can arise when a parent is aggressive or dismissive against the other sex, for example, conveys to the child that “all men are bastards, we don’t need them in the house” or “all women are hysterical, it’s much better without them.” Usually behind such beliefs is a trauma experienced in the past, resentment, betrayal, or an initially destructive attitude received from one’s own parents.
It is clear that nothing good will come of this for the child, adult life it will be difficult for him with people of his own or the opposite sex, he will constantly expect a dirty trick from them, break off relationships as soon as they begin to become serious, or simply avoid intimacy.
The other extreme is to emphasize one’s unhappiness and restlessness, the difficult lot of a “lonely person,” and to associate the possibility of happiness and well-being with the presence of a second half. You shouldn’t tell your child: “If only we had a dad, we could...” or “You understand how difficult it is for me to raise you alone, all by myself, all by myself,” or “If only you would grow up sooner, a man would finally appear.” in the house". It is very important that the parent himself does not consider himself flawed and deprived, so that the child perceives him as a happy, self-confident, self-sufficient person.
Don’t be afraid of your child’s questions: “Where is our dad (mom)?”, don’t immediately start distracting him or making excuses. Calmly explain that in some families there is only one parent, and that one adult is quite capable of doing everything that is necessary for the child. Perhaps the child will try to arrange your personal life on his own and will persistently marry you to friends and neighbors. Try to take this with humor, do not scold him or be embarrassed. Those around you will probably react child behavior with understanding.
The desire to become a parent seems so natural that it’s even stupid to ask yourself: do I really need it? However, it is still worth asking, honestly and directly. Why did you decide to exchange your single, independent, free life for the life of a parent of a difficult child?
Have you ever thought seriously about why you didn't get married (or maybe stay in it)? Of course, no one is immune from failure; after all, to meet a suitable life partner, you also need a bit of luck. Still, try to answer some questions honestly.
Am I afraid of people? Do I think that getting close and opening your soul is dangerous, that someone will be offended or betrayed at any moment? (And a child, as a small creature and completely dependent on me, causes less concern).
Or maybe I set such a high standard in communicating with people that simply no one can meet it, and therefore not a single relationship in my life lasted long? (I expect to raise the child “for myself”, the way it needs to be, because everything will depend only on me).
Do I have a tendency when communicating with loved ones to violate their boundaries, the desire to know absolutely everything about them, to control their entire life? (So I will raise the child with all responsibility, live his life, devote myself to him).
Have I ever had any experience of long-term intimate relationships in my life? Do I have friends, do I have serious romances, am I considering the possibility of marriage in the future? Or am I unlikely to be able to live with anyone in the same house, to endure the constant presence of a generally stranger in my life? (In principle, living alone is much better, but old age is scary - who will give you a glass of water?)
Not being married is one thing, but there could be a dozen understandable reasons. Being single is something completely different. If you want to take a child because you don’t see any other way to break the circle of loneliness and fill your life with meaning, things can be very difficult. Now you have finally found your own being, you are no longer alone in this world. You love your child, you are ready to do anything for him, you only think about him, he is the meaning of your life. This is how the relationship between you and your child can cross the line, beyond which intimacy becomes addiction, and love becomes more and more “suffocating.”
You will be everything in the world to your child and you will involuntarily expect the same from him. He should become not just your son or daughter, but a friend, a comforter, a confidant - that is, do for you what spouses usually do for each other. Perhaps while he is little, everything will be wonderful, he will greedily absorb the love and care he has not received, and respond with obedience and complete openness. But children grow up in order to one day grow up and become independent from their parents.
Adolescence or adolescence will come, and your child will want independence, he will need to close himself off from your control and influence. For you it will be a “spit in the soul”, a “betrayal”: “After everything I’ve done for you!” The child, realizing that it will not be possible to separate “in an amicable way,” will be forced to choose: either refuse to grow up and remain forever in the arms of the parent, or break off the relationship abruptly and painfully.
If, in fact, you simply do not need close relationships, and your lonely life today is not an accident, but a pattern, then you will very quickly get tired of the constant presence of your child, of his questions, requests, desire to hang on to you, to communicate, in a word - “climb.” At first you will try, then blame yourself, then you will fall into despair, then you will come to the conclusion that the child is “wrong”... And most likely, you will end up breaking up, causing injury to both the child and yourself.
It is important to understand that an initially unhappy adoptive parent will not be able to give happiness to the child, and the child will not make him happy either. If relationships with other people are not yours strong point, first try to figure out why this happens. Perhaps it is worth taking a course of psychotherapy, changing your lifestyle, finding new friends, starting an affair, or, conversely, ending a long-term, unpromising affair. People, fortunately, are able to change and learn what they could not do before. You just need to learn how to communicate and build relationships before an adopted child appears in your home.
Most often, when talking about a single adoptive parent, they mean a woman, a mother. A man who, without a wife, nevertheless wants to take an adopted child is a rarer phenomenon, although recently it is becoming more common. Modern world It is designed in such a way that it is sometimes easier for men to wash, cook and maintain order in the house than to create and maintain a relationship with their spouse.
Some have already experienced a painful divorce, others have not yet met the one with whom they would like to live their lives. And you may have already met the child - either during a volunteer trip to an orphanage, or an orphaned child of friends, relatives, neighbors. Or I just want to get at least one boy or girl out of the orphanage and give them a chance at a normal life.
Most often, a single man who wants to adopt a foster child faces certain problems. From the point of view of the law, men and women are equal in this matter. And, having collected all the necessary documents, the potential adoptive father can insist on his right to take the child. However, such a man’s desire often arouses suspicion among guardianship officers, and they can be understood. Love for children can be different, you know...
From work experience, I can say that the fears are not groundless: I have had to deal with applicants who want to take a boy (or two) ten or twelve years old “to give love and care.” They collected all the documents, brought ideal characteristics from work, said very good and Right words. And when he met the child or had his first guest visits, the boy talked about the unambiguous hints or actions of “dad.” And it’s good if everything was clarified at the earliest stages.
I can imagine how unpleasant such suspicions are for normal person who sincerely wants to help the child. It is disgusting and insulting to prove that you are not a pedophile, and how can you prove it? You won’t envy the guardianship staff either: you can’t understand from the documents for what purposes the man wants to take the child. And, unfortunately, there are no methods to detect pedophilia. The choice is not easy: refuse (on the basis of “what if”) a person who, most likely, only wants the best and can help the child, or put the child at risk. But if anything happens, the responsibility will fall on them.
There are also the usual doubts: whether a man will be able to provide daily living, care, food, and whether he will be responsible enough. After all, traditionally in our families it is mainly women who take care of the children, although in recent years this has begun to slowly change.
So, to be honest, guardianship officials would probably prefer that such candidates not show up on their doorstep at all. But the further you go, the more often they appear. And if they are persistent and diplomatic enough, do not take offense, treat all concerns with understanding and show a willingness to cooperate, they achieve their goal and even establish very good relations with the guardianship.
If we talk about raising children, men's education, of course, is not similar to women's. Dad can be much more indifferent to appearance child and to all sorts of “correctities” such as a daily routine and a balanced diet, but at the same time be stricter and more demanding in other matters. Dads usually encourage independence much more, and sometimes allow things that mom would not allow. With dad you can spend the whole day assembling a new railway, eating sandwiches here on the floor instead of lunch. You can play football in a new suit, you can play a new computer game until nightfall, you can light a fire in your dacha yourself, you can call home a whole bunch of pretty grimy friends, and much more.
On the other hand, where mom would regret it and “get into the situation,” dad may demand “not to become limp” and do what is necessary, despite fatigue, ill health, or bad weather. To some observers, especially women and those with established ideas about how to raise children, all this may seem like a complete disgrace. However, children, especially boys of Tom Sawyer's age, are absolutely happy from all this. And many of their peers from two-parent families who clean clothes carefully eating soup at a table covered with a white tablecloth, perhaps they would be envied.
But a child’s life cannot consist of only exciting adventures and entertainment. There are illnesses, troubles, Bad mood. It is important that the man who takes responsibility for the child is truly capable of performing “maternal” functions: pity, comfort, listen, take care of health. Well, he didn’t discount the opinions of others either, because a child lives among people, and the demands of society must be respected.
If, realizing all the possible difficulties, you still follow your child, it means that you will have the strength to overcome everything, and help will definitely be found, and everything will work out, in a word, the world will definitely “bend” to your passionate desire to become a parent. So, under no circumstances consider your family incomplete - in the sense of “incomplete”, if it has you, a responsible parent, there is love and mutual understanding, there is a warm home - then everything is in order.
Seeing families with adopted children, people can admire the courage of those who took responsibility for someone else’s child, are ready to devote their lives to him, give him a decent upbringing, education, and give him warmth and care. Some may say that this is done only in order to receive help from the state, and this, unfortunately, also happens. But most often, adopted parents become natural parents who really have good intentions.
The reasons for this may be different. Tragedies happen in some families, they lose their child and want to make up for the loss. Others do not have the opportunity to have their own child at all. Some people's blood has grown and left their father's house, but they want to give someone affection and warmth again. There are simply people with kind hearts, it is difficult for them to get past the pain of others and they are ready to raise step-children together with their own.
Foster family: what is it?
Of all the forms of family arrangement, people who want to raise a child most often prefer this one.
They take on the same function as trustees, but unlike the latter, the state provides them with payment for this.
An agreement is concluded between the adoptive parents and the guardianship authority, which is the legal basis regulating their interaction.
In essence, it means the mutual provision of services - the state allocates funds, and a unit of society undertakes the upbringing of a child deprived of care from relatives.
According to the law, one unit of society should not raise more than 8 children (this number includes its own). However, this is not a strict limit, and in some circumstances 10 or more children are given to be raised. This opportunity is given by the guardianship authorities due to certain circumstances. First of all, this issue is played by the material and moral readiness of people to take responsibility for such a number of new members of the social unit.
Both a married person and an unmarried person can adopt a baby into a family.
What to do to become foster parents?
If you want to take a baby into your family, you must first contact the guardianship authority assigned to your area of residence and apply for an opinion that will confirm that you can do this. The selection of families is carried out by this authority.
To request the opportunity to become a foster parent, you must provide a package of documents including:
- A document issued at the place of work, which indicates your salary and position. The certificate must be properly certified;
- A document that confirms that you have housing (this may be a document of ownership);
- A copy of a document confirming that you are married (if so);
- Certificate from a medical institution regarding your health status.
Representatives of the authority study the living conditions of a potential adoptive family, draw up a corresponding act and, based on this document and the application of persons wishing to accept one or more children, draw up a conclusion.
In addition to these documents, there is a need to study the personal qualities of these individuals, the peculiarities of their relationships with other family members, especially if they live in the same living space.
Whenever possible, the child’s desire to become part of a new family is taken into account.
As for the criteria by which people’s moral readiness to raise a child is assessed, family law does not provide precise definitions. In this regard, such an assessment is carried out on an individual basis by representatives of the guardianship authorities. To do this, the relationships of the applicants with other children, if there are any in the social unit, are analyzed, regardless of whether they are adopted or relatives.
When it comes to accepting children with health problems of varying degrees and severity, the authority must also evaluate the presence in the family of special conditions for their upbringing and development.
If the applicant is denied the right to take the baby, he must be informed about this within 5 days from the date of this decision.
First of all, they can refuse to persons who are unable, for one reason or another, to give him a decent upbringing.
First of all this:
- Persons whose incapacity due to mental disabilities has been confirmed in court;
- People with drug, alcohol and other types of addiction, as confirmed by the competent authorities. By their actions, such persons can traumatize the child’s psyche, and their dependence significantly worsens the financial situation of the family;
- Candidates for adoptive parents who have been limited or completely deprived of parental rights in accordance with a court decision;
- Former guardians or adoptive parents who were deprived of their rights by a court decision due to improper performance of their duties;
- Persons whose condition does not allow them to raise a child. The legislation defines a list of diseases that may become an obstacle to the adoption of a child into a family.
If the decision is in favor of the applicants, future adoptive parents can choose a new member of their family from institutions that support children without parental care. It is the responsibility of the administration of this institution to familiarize applicants with the conclusion about the baby’s health status and his personal file. In addition, you can ask the relevant authorities for help in choosing a new member of your social unit.
If you need help in matters of education, you can contact one of the specially created centers that conduct relevant courses. Representatives of the guardianship authorities will tell you how to do this.
Rights and obligations
They are regulated by the Family Code.
The rights and responsibilities of adoptive parents primarily include responsibility for the child to society, proper upbringing, care for health (both moral and physical), development (physical, moral), and creation of the necessary conditions for receiving education. The foster family is obliged to prepare the child for the upcoming independent life. It is important to understand that all these responsibilities must be fulfilled without violating the main principle - the rights of parents should not be exercised to the detriment of children.
Adoptive parents do not have the right to insult, humiliate, or oppress the rights of children and their interests. It is unacceptable to use inhumane methods of education bordering on violence, rudeness, physical strength, moral suppression.
Adoptive parents are their legal representatives, who undertake obligations to protect their interests and rights. On their behalf, they can make transactions and give permission to other persons to carry out transactions on their behalf. The rights of adoptive parents include placing their child in a preschool and educational institution.
Their rights include demanding the return of a child if he is being held unlawfully by others, regardless of whether they are his blood relatives. This requirement can be expressed in court.
The adoptive family has the right to demand protection of his rights by going to court.
This form of arrangement does not presuppose the existence of either alimony or hereditary relations between members of a social unit.
Adoptive parents do not have the right to interfere with communication between the child and his blood relatives. The exceptions are cases when it may entail Negative consequences. Parents are responsible for providing financial support for their adopted children. This task is made easier by the state - it provides assistance.
In fact, if we do not take into account the material relations between the state and adoptive parents, the requirements are the same as for biological parents raising their children.
Nevertheless, it often happens that when raising a child, people become disappointed when faced with difficulties and worries. Remember that raising a little person is a responsible, obliging process, full of surprises. Be prepared for the fact that the person you are raising will not be as ideal as you would like, but this is a normal situation that often relates to raising a biologically native child.
Show tolerance to your sons and daughters, love them, protect their interests in order to raise a worthy person, regardless of who he was born as.
Adoption - where to start? How do you know if you are suitable as an adoptive parent? How to avoid making mistakes? How to prepare so as not to increase the number of children returning to orphanages?
A well-known educational psychologist, a specialist in family structure, laureate of the Presidential Prize in the field of education, author of the book “An Adopted Child Has Came to You,” Lyudmila Petranovskaya leads a series of articles “MINUS ONE” for those who want to take an adopted child into the family.
Unmarried parent
Lyudmila Petranovskaya
There was a time when it was believed that a person who was not a member could not become a foster parent. Many people still think this way, not daring to go anywhere for fear that “they won’t let you do it without a husband.” But today such fears are completely unfounded.
An incomplete family has long ceased to be perceived as rare or incorrect; many “self-made” children live with one of the parents, and there is absolutely no doubt that a family with one parent is much better than an orphanage.
And then: if you are not married today, it does not follow from anything that you will not be married in a year (alas, just like vice versa). So there are no direct contraindications.
On the other hand, accepting and raising a child, or even several children, without the support of a spouse is not an easy task. When making such a decision, you need to think everything over especially carefully.
It is objectively more difficult for one parent to do the most ordinary everyday things: earn enough money, run a household, care for children. When there are two parents, they can replace each other if someone is sick, very tired, in a bad mood, or is stuck at work. One has to get out on his own or rely on outside help. This is what you should think about first.
Who can help, if anything? Your parents? Brothers and sisters? Older children? Friends? Neighbours? Nannies? Even if until now you are accustomed to relying only on yourself everywhere and always, it’s time to reconsider this attitude: it is one thing to be responsible for one person, and an adult (yourself), and another thing to be responsible for two, one of whom is a child from an orphanage. Here Bolivar may not be able to stand it...
Often, unmarried people are very successful in their profession. And, naturally, they cannot afford to quit their jobs after the birth of the child. But don't be under the illusion that everything will remain the same. At least for the adaptation period, the load will have to be reduced. If this were your own child, surrounded with love and care from birth, he, albeit without much joy, would survive your returns after midnight or business trips.
A child who has just found a family is a different matter. It will be years before he believes that you are in his life forever. And at first, separation or lack of communication with you can cause him extreme stress and make it very difficult to form an attachment, which is precisely why you took him in. The most expensive private kindergarten will not console him. He will only need you.
Therefore, prepare a “springboard” in advance: set aside money, talk with management and ask to transfer you to part-time work or find something to do without necessarily being present at the workplace (there are many such opportunities now), take advantage of the financial support of relatives. Get household appliances to save time on household chores.
Don’t be shy about asking for help, including financial help: ask your work colleagues to buy you a washing machine or a sofa for your child, explain that you need this much more than the teddy bears and hares that they were going to give you in connection with the addition to the family. Pay special attention to those forms of arrangement where the payment of benefits or wages is expected; if you really want to adopt, you can do it later, when everything gets better.
Psychological support is also important. If spouses receive great psychological support from each other, they can sit together in the evening, drink tea, discuss what happened, a single parent sometimes finds himself in a situation where there is literally “no one to talk to.” In the process of a child’s difficult adaptation to the family, in case of any troubles with him, disappointments, illnesses, it is very important that the parent himself can draw strength from somewhere, so that someone can take care of him, listen, pity, pamper, console him .
Think ahead, who could it be? Your parents, friends, professionals, other adoptive moms and dads? Don’t tell yourself that you are used to relying only on your own strengths and “not giving up.” Believe me, the stress after the baby arrives can be so strong that the usual ways of “keeping yourself in control” simply won’t work. Be prepared to get all the help you can and don't be shy about asking for it.
Often parents raising a child alone ask the question: how harmful is it for a child to grow up without a father or without a mother? How will this affect his development, his future?
Of course, a harmonious full family is the best option for children. In it they can see a model of behavior between a man and a woman, observe how people build relationships, how they quarrel and make peace, how they take care of each other and children, and how they express their love. All this will be very useful in the future; it is known that children from two-parent families in which parents loved and respected each other are usually more prosperous in their personal lives. However, we have to admit that even among two-parent families, not everyone is harmonious.
Not every child is lucky enough to grow up with parents who live in love and harmony, and this does not mean that it would be better for him not to be born and not to grow up. In the end, the behavioral models missing in childhood experience can be obtained not from parents: there are relatives, family friends, parents of friends.
Negative consequences can arise when a parent is aggressive or dismissive against the other sex, for example, conveys to the child that “all men are bastards, we don’t need them in the house” or “all women are hysterical, it’s much better without them.” Usually behind such beliefs is a trauma experienced in the past, resentment, betrayal, or an initially destructive attitude received from one’s own parents.
It is clear that nothing good will come of this for the child; in adult life it will be difficult for him with people of his own or the opposite sex, he will constantly expect a dirty trick from them, break off relationships as soon as they begin to become serious, or simply avoid intimacy.
The other extreme is to emphasize one’s unhappiness and restlessness, the difficult lot of a “lonely person,” and to associate the possibility of happiness and well-being with the presence of a second half. You shouldn’t tell your child: “If only we had a dad, we could...” or “You understand how difficult it is for me to raise you alone, all by myself, all by myself,” or “If only you would grow up sooner, a man would finally appear.” in the house". It is very important that the parent himself does not consider himself flawed and deprived, so that the child perceives him as a happy, self-confident, self-sufficient person.
Don’t be afraid of your child’s questions: “Where is our dad (mom)?”, don’t immediately start distracting him or making excuses. Calmly explain that in some families there is only one parent, and that one adult is quite capable of doing everything that is necessary for the child. Perhaps the child will try to arrange your personal life on his own and will persistently marry you to friends and neighbors. Try to take this with humor, do not scold him or be embarrassed. Those around you will probably treat the child’s behavior with understanding.
The desire to become a parent seems so natural that it’s even stupid to ask yourself: do I really need it? However, it is still worth asking, honestly and directly. Why did you decide to exchange your single, independent, free life for the life of a parent of a difficult child?
Have you ever thought seriously about why you didn't get married (or maybe stay in it)? Of course, no one is immune from failure; after all, to meet a suitable life partner, you also need a bit of luck. Still, try to answer some questions honestly.
Am I afraid of people? Do I think that getting close and opening your soul is dangerous, that someone will be offended or betrayed at any moment? (And a child, as a small creature and completely dependent on me, causes less concern).
Or maybe I set such a high standard in communicating with people that simply no one can meet it, and therefore not a single relationship in my life lasted long? (I expect to raise the child “for myself”, the way it needs to be, because everything will depend only on me).
Do I have a tendency when communicating with loved ones to violate their boundaries, the desire to know absolutely everything about them, to control their entire life? (So I will raise the child with all responsibility, live his life, devote myself to him).
Have I ever had any experience of long-term intimate relationships in my life? Do I have friends, do I have serious romances, am I considering the possibility of marriage in the future? Or am I unlikely to be able to live with anyone in the same house, to endure the constant presence of a generally stranger in my life? (In principle, living alone is much better, but old age is scary - who will give you a glass of water?)
Not being married is one thing, but there could be a dozen understandable reasons. Being single is something completely different. If you want to take a child because you don’t see any other way to break the circle of loneliness and fill your life with meaning, things can be very difficult. Now you have finally found your own being, you are no longer alone in this world. You love your child, you are ready to do anything for him, you only think about him, he is the meaning of your life. This is how the relationship between you and your child can cross the line, beyond which intimacy becomes addiction, and love becomes more and more “suffocating.”
You will be everything in the world to your child and you will involuntarily expect the same from him. He should become not just your son or daughter, but a friend, a comforter, a confidant - that is, do for you what spouses usually do for each other. Perhaps while he is little, everything will be wonderful, he will greedily absorb the love and care he has not received, and respond with obedience and complete openness. But children grow up in order to one day grow up and become independent from their parents.
Adolescence or adolescence will come, and your child will want independence, he will need to close himself off from your control and influence. For you it will be a “spit in the soul”, a “betrayal”: “After everything I’ve done for you!” The child, realizing that it will not be possible to separate “in an amicable way,” will be forced to choose: either refuse to grow up and remain forever in the arms of the parent, or break off the relationship abruptly and painfully.
If, in fact, you simply do not need close relationships, and your lonely life today is not an accident, but a pattern, then you will very quickly get tired of the constant presence of your child, of his questions, requests, desire to hang on to you, to communicate, in a word - “climb.” At first you will try, then blame yourself, then you will fall into despair, then you will come to the conclusion that the child is “wrong”... And most likely, you will end up breaking up, causing injury to both the child and yourself.
It is important to understand that an initially unhappy adoptive parent will not be able to give happiness to the child, and the child will not make him happy either. If relationships with other people are not your strong suit, first try to figure out why this is happening. Perhaps it is worth taking a course of psychotherapy, changing your lifestyle, finding new friends, starting an affair, or, conversely, ending a long-term, unpromising affair. People, fortunately, are able to change and learn what they could not do before. You just need to learn how to communicate and build relationships before an adopted child appears in your home.
Most often, when talking about a single adoptive parent, they mean a woman, a mother. A man who, without a wife, nevertheless wants to take an adopted child is a rarer phenomenon, although recently it is becoming more common. The modern world is designed in such a way that it is sometimes easier for men to wash, cook and maintain order in the house than to create and maintain a relationship with their spouse.
Some have already experienced a painful divorce, others have not yet met the one with whom they would like to live their lives. And you may have already met the child - either during a volunteer trip to an orphanage, or an orphaned child of friends, relatives, neighbors. Or I just want to get at least one boy or girl out of the orphanage and give them a chance at a normal life.
Most often, a single man who wants to adopt a foster child faces certain problems. From the point of view of the law, men and women are equal in this matter. And, having collected all the necessary documents, the potential adoptive father can insist on his right to take the child. However, such a man’s desire often arouses suspicion among guardianship officers, and they can be understood. Love for children can be different, you know...
From work experience, I can say that the fears are not groundless: I have had to deal with applicants who want to take a boy (or two) ten or twelve years old “to give love and care.” They collected all the documents, brought ideal characteristics from work, and spoke very good and correct words. And when he met the child or had his first guest visits, the boy talked about the unambiguous hints or actions of “dad.” And it’s good if everything was clarified at the earliest stages.
I can imagine how unpleasant such suspicions are for a normal person who sincerely wants to help a child. It is disgusting and insulting to prove that you are not a pedophile, and how can you prove it? You won’t envy the guardianship staff either: you can’t understand from the documents for what purposes the man wants to take the child. And, unfortunately, there are no methods to identify it either. The choice is not easy: refuse (on the basis of “what if”) a person who, most likely, only wants the best and can help the child, or put the child at risk. But if anything happens, the responsibility will fall on them.
There are also the usual doubts: whether a man will be able to provide daily living, care, food, and whether he will be responsible enough. After all, traditionally in our families it is mainly women who take care of the children, although in recent years this has begun to slowly change.
So, to be honest, guardianship officials would probably prefer that such candidates not show up on their doorstep at all. But the further you go, the more often they appear. And if they are persistent and diplomatic enough, do not take offense, treat all concerns with understanding and show a willingness to cooperate, they achieve their goal and even establish very good relations with the guardianship.
If we talk about raising children, men's education, of course, is not similar to women's. A dad can be much more indifferent to the child’s appearance and to all sorts of “correct things” such as a daily routine and a balanced diet, but at the same time be stricter and more demanding in other matters. Dads usually encourage independence much more, and sometimes allow things that mom would not allow. With dad you can spend the whole day assembling a new railway, eating sandwiches here on the floor instead of lunch. You can play football in a new suit, you can play a new computer game until nightfall, you can light a fire in your dacha yourself, you can call home a whole bunch of pretty grimy friends, and much more.
On the other hand, where mom would regret it and “get into the situation,” dad may demand “not to become limp” and do what is necessary, despite fatigue, ill health or bad weather. To some observers, especially women and those with established ideas about how to raise children, all this may seem like a complete disgrace. However, children, especially boys of Tom Sawyer's age, are absolutely happy from all this. And many of their peers from intact families, who neatly eat soup in clean clothes at a table covered with a white tablecloth, would probably envy them.
But a child’s life cannot consist of only exciting adventures and entertainment. There are troubles and bad moods. It is important that the man who takes responsibility for the child is truly capable of performing “maternal” functions: pity, comfort, listen, take care of health. Well, he didn’t discount the opinions of others either, because a child lives among people, and the demands of society must be respected.
If, realizing all the possible difficulties, you still follow your child, it means that you will have the strength to overcome everything, and help will definitely be found, and everything will work out, in a word, the world will definitely “bend” to your passionate desire to become a parent. So, under no circumstances consider your family incomplete - in the sense of “incomplete”, if it has you, a responsible parent, there is love and mutual understanding, there is a warm home - then everything is in order.
