"Who am I and where do I come from?" - a question that at least once in a lifetime was asked, perhaps, by each of us. Someone asks the great-grandmother about the family past, someone even hires a genealogist to restore the lost (for example, due to the 1917 revolution) connection with the family history. Those who are brought up in foster family.
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Unfortunately, in our country, people brought up by foster parents face many difficulties on the way to themselves and their past: Russian legislation is far from perfect in this regard. Thus, according to article 139 of the Family Code, there is a secret of adoption, for the disclosure of which against the will of the adoptive parents of officials, responsibility awaits.
Although the same Family Code states that every person has every right to know their own parents, the search for blood relatives for many adopted children ends in nothing, or due to legal red tape stretches for years. The fact is that government agencies, including registry offices that store data on the biological mothers and fathers of former orphans, fearing consequences, refuse to provide any information to adopted children, including adults. So, only their adoptive “deputies” can get information about the blood parents of children from orphanages, bypassing the courts.
In many countries, the situation is exactly the opposite: every adopted child must know about his origin, there are no secrets. There have been many studies that have proven that it is important for people brought up in foster families to talk about where they really come from.
The abolition of the secrecy of adoption has long been discussed by the Russian authorities. Last November, the State Duma planned to consider a bill proposing amendments to Article 139 of the Family Code. According to it, every adopted person who has reached the age of 18 will be able to independently, without the consent of the adoptive parents, obtain any information available from government agencies about their blood relatives. The hearings were rescheduled for early 2015, but have not yet taken place.
Expert comment
Should adoptive parents be afraid that the children they adopted will want to meet other mothers or fathers - blood? and foster mother of four teenagers Irina Garbuzenko believes that it is not: on the contrary, it is necessary to help your children understand themselves.
“We have to give an understanding of the roots so that the children know who they are. And you can’t be content with one phrase from the series: “Your mother didn’t have an abortion because there was no money.” You need to tell the child that his mother was carrying him, trying to cope with the life situation, but something did not work out, ”says Irina.
According to the psychologist, it is important for a child to understand that every person is born in love. It is important to see, for example, a photograph of a blood mother: to find out that she was beautiful, that he got her hair or eyes. Knowing your own roots gives peace of mind.
“The worst thing is when adoptive parents they can't tell their kids anything. For example, if they took foundlings. In general, you should always ask government agencies for any documents, certificates - everything that is known about blood parents. Sometimes it is enough for a child to calm down, even just to know that his mother embroidered beautifully, ”Garbuzenko notes.
The psychologist advises adoptive parents from the very beginning to take or photocopy in the guardianship authorities all documents related to the origin of the child they adopted. If nothing is known about the parents, you can find out the maternity hospital in which the baby was born. They can store, for example, a statement from the biological mother with the abandonment of the child. For many adopted children, even such a link with a blood mother can be important and bring peace.
“It is important to tell that the mother left not because the child was bad, but because, apparently, she could not stand it, could not cope with some kind of life situation. It happens that children read the refusal, but they see in it the news about their mother. They say - oh, what a handwriting, I have the same. They do not deify her, but they understand that there is such a person, ”says Irina.
According to the psychologist, if the mother of the child is alive, in most cases the child needs to arrange a meeting with her. This will also help him find himself. Moreover, it is good if the adoptive parents themselves lead and control the process, help the child meet with his biological relatives.
“It is important for a child to know that he was left not because he is bad, but because there was no way to take care of him - maybe they even did better, allowing him to know another life. It is important for him that it’s not about him, ”Irina notes.
Irina says that there are still families in Russia in which they hide from their children that they are adopted. But this approach is wrong.
“If I keep a secret, it means that I myself do not admit that I adopted a child, because I want to think that I actually gave birth to him myself. But it's not. And at the same time, hiding behind the fact that you allegedly want to “save” the child from his past is also impossible. Secret is weakness. And if I am weak, how can I take responsibility for raising a child left by other, also weak, parents? ”The psychologist adds.
Garbuzenko says that the secrecy of adoption was introduced in the USSR in 1937 - then many children of "enemies of the people" ran away from orphanages. The guys had literally nowhere to go, and they were returned to their relatives. But relatives had to keep a secret about where the children came from: otherwise they could also become "enemies of the people."
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The psychologist emphasizes that it is important that adoptive parents do not interfere with their children's meetings with blood relatives. “If prohibited, they will still run away to blood relatives – and at the most inopportune moment. It’s better to lead it all yourself, talk it over, think it over, ”says the specialist.
However, according to Irina Garbuzenko, it is best to first find out for yourself what exactly blood relatives would like to say to the child when they meet. You can also organize a meeting of three parties at once, especially if the child is still small or in adolescence.
If it turns out that communication with one or another relative can harm the adopted person, meetings will have to be banned - especially since after adoption, family ties with the previous family are legally severed. In the event of a dispute, you can and should contact lawyers and involve guardianship authorities.
“It happens, however, and so: the mother of the child is weak, drinks, but there is a grandmother who loves her grandson very much, worries. You can communicate with her,” adds Irina.
Acquaintance with blood relatives can be useful and important not only for the adopted children themselves, but also for adoptive parents. “You have a common child with them: there is nowhere to go. Your grandchildren may inherit them, for example, dark or red hair. And it’s interesting in general: someone’s grandfather fought, there are, for example, some family heirlooms, stories, legends, ”explains the psychologist.
As for fears for the trouble of the biological relatives of adopted children, Irina advises to reflect on your own family tree. “Think about it: is it possible to find a person in whose family no one drank, for example? No need to hang labels, ”says the psychologist.
The desire of a child to meet and communicate with blood parents does not mean that he wants to change foster family to biological. Such fears of the foster family are understandable, but they are usually unfounded, Irina believes.
“They want to drag the blood family into their world, and they are angry that they probably won’t be able to do this. But they also do not want to drown with their biological relatives. To confirm belonging to your family, it is not at all necessary to drink, smoke, and so on. You are different, these places are already occupied by relatives. In my practice, I have never seen such a case when adopted children return to blood relatives. This only happens in movies and TV shows,” says Irina Garbuzenko.
The Change One Life Foundation is conducting online consultations for current adoptive parents. Our consultants are Irina Garbuzenko and Dina Magnat.
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1 comment
Marina Trubitskaya
The article is largely written on the basis of materials from the community of adult adoptees http://usynovlen.livejournal.com/ and the book by Lyudmila Petranovskaya "A Child of Two Families", but many important points simplified too much.
> According to the psychologist, if the child's mother is alive, in most cases the child needs to arrange a meeting with her.
It would be good to first ask the child if he wants this himself. And it must be said that not everything is so simple and preparation is needed for the meeting.
I have often heard from colleagues that adopted child cannot become native. He will be loved, he will be accepted in the family, he will be given affection and warmth, he will be provided for, brought up, etc. But he can't become a family. Because native is from the word “clan”, and a child born from other mothers and fathers does not belong to this particular clan of the adoptive parents.
I honestly never understood this idea. Curiously, it became especially popular after Hellinger's method of constellations penetrated into our psychological community, although is it possible to "blame" everything on Hellinger? complex issue. Nevertheless, I will try to justify why I do not consider it right to mystify the genus. And the fact that it is a hoax that is happening - you will understand a little later, I hope.
I think that the difference between adopted child and relatives, in fact, there is none. Provided, of course, that the decision to adopt a foster child is a conscious and sincere desire of the parents. Then the upbringing of adopted children will be no different from the upbringing of relatives. Let's just say that the blood factor is something that is usually given too much attention.
Most of our families, alas, are too "obsessed" with this factor. If you think about it, the blood factor provides the basis for all sorts of things. “You are our blood, our son / daughter, therefore you are obliged ...” - then there is a list of what the child owes to parents upon the fact that he was given life. However, children are also included in these manipulations, sometimes considering their parents obliged to help them until the end of their days.
Adopted child- the one who can say “you are not my relatives” (the consequence is “I will not listen to you”). This is exactly what mother and father are afraid of, tormented by questions, for example, the adoption of children, if for some reason it is impossible to have their own. But the most interesting thing is that a blood child can also say “you don’t owe me anything, I didn’t ask to give birth to me.” Just blood seems to many to be a sufficient basis for presenting possessive ambitions and serves as something of a guarantor of their fulfillment.
In fact, everything in such cases is built not on blood, but on the systematic intimidation of the child, which often results in a feeling of guilt. In fact, you can effectively intimidate both native and non-native, and the effect, I assure you, will be. The only question is why?
But there is an answer to this: because the parents themselves have a strong fear of being insufficiently prioritized for the child and not being able to control him. And the essence is not in blood, but in control, fear and guilt. By itself, the blood, its group and composition does not affect the child's perception of the attitude of the parents towards him. Parental upbringing can give rise to the same emotions in adopted children and in native children. Because of the attitude towards children, and not because of the composition of the blood.
Another form of “fixation” on this factor is the desire that the offspring, like 2 drops of water, resemble a husband / wife / relatives. But this is essentially not a desire to raise another person, but a desire to repeat oneself (or one’s feelings for a woman / man), to love oneself and one’s feelings in a child, or symbolically “appropriate” a loved one.
Although, there have been stories more than once when a mother, who was “crazy” about some man, having given birth to a child from him, then became disappointed in him, and even worse - when he left her and / or did what, in her understanding, was called meanness, and it doesn’t matter what it really was.
The important thing is that the child quickly ceased to be so loved. And then he had to carry a fair part of his own life on his shoulders (or rather, in his soul) the unconscious revenge of his mother, who gave birth to him "not from that."
The blood factor is considered by many to be indispensable in order to love a child. The most important is the similarity to the mother and father, and the expectations that are placed on such a child. About his personality, his possible interests, his features and dissimilarity to his parents, which will always be in his personality, even if he is blood - no one, as a rule, wants to think about this.
Our patriarchal society also “helps” this - often they will consider a full-fledged family only if they have their own, that is, the ability to physically give birth to a person becomes the main one for judging the happiness and completeness of the family. But how children are brought up, and what grows out of them - all this is sometimes not taken into account.
The presence of adopted children instead of their own, blood, is sometimes considered something like a disability - “if they couldn’t give birth to their own, well, at least this” ... As a result, an adopted child risks becoming something like an attempt to compensate for “inferiority”, and the children themselves turn into "bad substitutes" for what should actually be. And as a result, adopted children feel really not loved, but they do not understand well for the time being, because of what.
Meanwhile, the injuries that colleagues write about a lot about children from the orphanage, in 95% of cases occur with their own children in their own families. Because in many ways they are born because it is “necessary”, “accepted”, “supposed”, and in some cases, wanting to somehow appropriate part of the husband / wife, to continue again themselves.
And as a result of this, the offspring often suffer no less than those from the orphanage, from a lack of attention from parents, a lack of tactile contact, from a lack of unconditional acceptance of their personality, which is not like their parents, from the fact that it does not live up to the expectations placed on it.
In practice, I have often come across already adult children, whose parents to this day did not get tired of reproaching them for being born "not beautiful enough" and "did not improve the breed." This is the reality of our Soviet and post-Soviet reality, alas.
In fact, a lot depends on the attitude towards the child and on education. From the awareness of parents. If parents want to invest in helping another person, in helping to grow, to realize themselves (and not the expectations of parents), they want to help open up, they want to start a new life, the upbringing of adopted children will be the same as it will be or would be for blood.
Yes, orphanage children may be more traumatized initially, but if the parents are conscious individuals, then it will be easier for such a child to cope with their injuries and grow that basic trust that all psychologists talk about.
The reality of our country, in which this whole situation with abandoned children exists, is the fruit of an unconscious, primitive, I would say, attitude towards children. The terms that parents often “crush” their children (“already 25, you need to give birth urgently, otherwise you won’t have time”, “make us happy with your grandchildren”, “continue the race”), a society that promotes childbearing as part of social usefulness, poor enlightenment in the field of contraception gives rise to a huge number of abandoned children.
And there are very few conscious parents. And sometimes adopted children end up in the same families where there is no sufficiently conscious attitude towards them, and where they are again faced with the need to realize not themselves, but expectations, and solve their problems - their self-affirmation at the expense of children, their attempt to find the meaning of life at the expense of children, to receive a portion of approval from society (praise for mercy and dedication in raising foster children, etc.)
There is only one conclusion from this - normal, full-fledged, really psychologically adapted children, developed and healthy, can grow up only in a family where parents are sufficiently conscious. And whether they are adopted or relatives is not so important.
Moreover, you can’t even put the question like that, because adopted children for whom adults have taken responsibility are, by definition, relatives. In fact, responsibility and desire to build relationships for life.
Who else can become your family, if not the one who lives with you for the beginning of 20 years under the same roof, and then one way or another relies on you all his life?
Those who plan to adopt children also face this issue. We are now talking about those who were adopted in infancy and do not remember the very fact of adoption.
That's just how? Especially if this family is in another country, drunk, etc. And does the child need such contacts? Another argument was that the children would allegedly be deceived. I will try to speculate on such arguments.
Blood relationship and mystification of the clan
I believe that the family is a system, and that the clan is a special reality, mental, physiological, cultural. But, as it seems to me, everything can be either together, or not at all. Does the human body exist without the brain? Can the psyche live without the surrounding reality? And is a culture possible that is not expressed by thoughts and actions?
Now think: if a child, apart from blood, has nothing that would make him belong to another genus, and a person lives with a different genus in his mental, cultural, emotional and even territorial life, then according to whose rules his body will “play” in b about more degree?
According to those in which he lives, and there is a lot of evidence for this.
I had interesting example in practice: a woman became pregnant from one man, but the relationship went very wrong at the very beginning of pregnancy. And that woman met another. And he wanted to take her along with the unborn child. Their relationship turned out to be strong, he adopted the girl, her own father did not seek to communicate with her. The girl always knew that she had a dad. She found out later that he was a stepfather, as an adult. And this did not change her relationship with her dad, whom she still considers dad.
Interesting otherwise. This girl is like 2 drops of water similar .... to my stepfather. At the same time, the stepfather and her own father are not similar to each other, and the mother is generally of a different type, of a different “suit”. And at the same time, the girl looks exactly like her stepfather. Eye color, hair structure, facial features. In this marriage, there was also a common son, the girl's brother. He looks like a dad not as strikingly as a step-daughter looks like.
Can blood itself exist as a separate reality that affects a person to a greater extent than the environment, the psychological environment where he lives, the cultural reality of the family that adopted him, traditions, customs, the level of development of the family? Blood, of course, carries some special genetic information, but this may turn out to be only a drop in the number of factors that can significantly affect the development of the child and the perception of oneself in the context of the genus. Rod is not only blood and genetics. It is a combination of a huge number of factors.
An abandoned child is abandoned for various reasons. It happens that the mother of the child is a teenage girl who may regret what she did, but believes that it was better for everyone. The news of such parents does not always traumatize the child, and, growing up, he is likely to understand the reasons why his own mother did this.
But it is a completely different matter (and this is more common in the practice of adoption) when parents, for example, alcoholics, are deprived of parental rights, or are unable to exercise parental functions for other reasons related to social and other inadequacy in behavior. And in such cases, the news of such parenthood often causes growing children to feel guilty, feeling that they are “not like normal children.”
I have come across similar cases in practice. Often children, upon learning about adoption, began to be ashamed of their past, which they did not even remember. But, while developing in a normal family and learning about adoption, children often began to worry about whether they could fit in with their new family, which they had previously perceived as their own.
And this gave rise to a lot of unpleasant effects - shame, guilt, which I already mentioned, fear that something from real parents will appear in them and the like (even if the adoptive parents did not speak badly about blood parents). Sometimes children also felt resentment at their adoptive parents for telling them about the adoption. The children often saw this as rejection by their adoptive parents, and no amount of loving words were effective enough.
The feeling of rejection arose because in the story of adoption, the children themselves saw the unwillingness of the adoptive parents to consider them completely theirs. Calls to honor such consanguinity may not help the child, but on the contrary, injure him. After all, if the whole life of a child is connected with one family, and, nevertheless, they point out to him that there is also some other one with which he is connected, he feels torn apart, split.
Could the knowledge that he has a different blood somehow improve his life? None of the psychologists talk about this. And this is not surprising. We don't know much about blood factors. Perhaps - they really mean something, and there are some special energies of the family, but we can interact productively with them when we can touch the history of the family, build relationships with its members, study generic programs and scenarios.
However, this is possible only when a child in this family was born and has access to the "ancestral archive". In the case of adoption, this is unlikely. And an adopted child carries much more programs of the adoptive family than blood programs.
Even if the latter somehow manifest themselves, they will still be corrected and lived within the framework of new family. What then is the deep meaning of telling the child about what he is unlikely to ever learn, and what he, most likely, will not be able to touch in reality?
The trauma of abandonment will always be with the child in his unconscious. But any psychologist will say that not all traumas and not always should be taken out of the unconscious. It is not in vain that the human psyche has protective mechanisms, sometimes forcing into the subconscious what a person cannot cope with. And some deep experiences of the infancy period may well be leveled over time by a new attitude towards oneself, which a new family can help bring up.
The trauma will go into the deep past and has every chance not to manifest itself in an active format in adulthood. But a story can sometimes activate this trauma, transfer it to the realm of awareness. And a child of any age may not be ready to accept this trauma.
I wrote about the effects of such a story in the previous paragraph. Therefore, parents should think carefully - are they ready to face the consequences of this trauma activated by their own hands?
Child protection
The secret becomes clear - just a beautiful formulation. In fact, it is enough to analyze your own life. Has everything that you don't want to tell others become clear? Unlikely. And with a competent approach to the issue, any disclosure can be avoided. To do this, sometimes it is enough to change the place of residence or at least arrange the appearance of the child in such a way, for example, having left for a while, so that “well-wishers” simply have no reason to gossip.
Yes, there are certain sacrifices. But parents who care about them adopted child, I think, they will make such sacrifices in order to protect their child from unnecessary conversations of some third-party people. And to base their confessions to the child on the fear of some potential "well-wisher" - it turns out that then the parents of the adopted child solve their problems of fear, rather than think about the feelings of the child himself.
“Foster children feel that something is wrong” is a common belief of many people who talk about adoption. Yes, children feel. If the parents themselves constantly think that he is “not native”, they are tormented by the questions “won’t anyone tell?”, Or by the question “when to tell?”, they are tormented by assumptions “whether something like this will appear in him .... » etc.
Children always feel the anxiety of their parents. But what if the parents don't worry? Then the children will not feel any "trick". This has also been verified in practice.
I happened to know several families with adopted children. And despite the fact that these families had their own children - one or two, the parents decided to raise the adopted one as their own and absolutely on a par with their natural children. The effect is quite adequate - foster children do not feel anything "such". Because their parents do not experience chronic anxiety about this issue. And do not mystify such mechanisms.
About the parents themselves
Of course, I do not mean to say that there are no cases where it makes sense to tell a child the truth about his adoption. But all this is individual. Another thing is important - if parents decide to take into the family an adopted child of such an age when he can easily not remember the very fact of adoption, then why and why are they so actively worried about their status and the status of the adopted child? What is the fundamental difference here?
When giving birth to their own, parents take 100% responsibility for it. And here they also take 100% responsibility for the adopted child.
And the question arises - is it not in the head of the parents themselves this need to tell? What are they afraid of? That the child wouldn't love them enough if they didn't tell the truth? Or that they themselves will not love him enough, and they need to have an excuse for such a case?
The other extreme....
When parents are afraid of the fire that the child will learn the truth about adoption. Then, it turns out, the parents themselves strongly mystify this blood factor. It is as if a child, having learned that he is not his own, will immediately devalue everything that has been done for him, cross out all care, and stop loving his only parents.
What are these parents worried about? Most often, this is an implicitly experienced guilt / shame for not being able to give birth to their own. Probably, the parents in such a family were left with a sense of inferiority. And inside there may be a hidden belief that the child, having learned that he is not his own, will surely, as it were, reveal this inferiority, make it obvious both for others and for him, the child. And he will reject his parents because of their "inferiority."
In fact, this is only the conviction of the parents themselves and that layer of society that “helped” them to assimilate this idea. And in order to stop being afraid of disclosure, it would be good to deal with your “inferiority” from a psychologist. Because otherwise the child will have to be raised in constant tension and fear, and children feel everything perfectly, and, as already noted above, the child is able to feel that “something is wrong”, but this is “not so” - only the state of the parents, and not the very fact of the foster family.
.... I happened to work in a shelter where abandoned children were brought. We already had more or less adult children, from 4-5 years and more. And they knew they were abandoned. Their biggest dream was to have a family, and simply forget about what was somehow wrong, there was abandonment, shelter, and, in fact, other people's educators. They wanted to become family to someone and forget about what happened to them.
It didn’t matter to them whether they would have relatives with their new dad and mom or adoptive ones. They wanted warmth, affection, care and sincere participation, they wanted to have people who would be their support, protection and whom they could trust.
After all, the family is those who raised and loved us, and not those who simply gave the biomaterial for conception. And all our mistakes, injuries, problems, successes and achievements depend on those with whom we grew up. To a greater extent, at least.
So that, with his family behind him, the child needs, first of all, mom and dad, who are not afraid of life, the way it turned out for them, and there is no single unambiguous strategy, when and how to speak / not to speak - it does not exist. There is you, your life and your child. And if there is acceptance, trust and love in a relationship, you and your child will be able to cope with any situation and keep good feelings for each other forever.
In recent years, the topic of adoption of children has become very popular in the world. And this is a relatively good trend. Why relatively? Because an increasing percentage of adopted children after some time returns to the state walls. They are adopted two, and sometimes three times, again returned to Orphanage at the first difficulty. Are foster parents really that heartless? Or are there real difficulties in the upbringing of "adoptees" that two adults cannot cope with?
Some statistics for 2015:
Families have found 56,000 Russian children previously left without parental care.
42,000 children ended up in orphanages.
Today there are about 80 thousand children living in orphanages in the country, two years ago there were almost 120 thousand.
Do a good deed
Probably, every person who is ready to adopt a child can be considered a hero, because this is a huge responsibility. What motivates people to become foster parents? Pity, love for children or a desire to do a good deed?
“The children have grown up, they have been put on their feet, they themselves are not yet so old, they are financially secure, there is a lot of time and unspent love, they can take a child from orphanage? - this is how potential adoptive parents often think.
Also among them are those couples who have serious health problems and for many years cannot have their own baby. And these are the main two categories of adoptive parents - some have already raised offspring, others have been dreaming all their lives for children's laughter to sound in their home.
Depending on the different purposes of adoption, completely different problems arise, about which no one warns future adoptive parents. For example, people who have their own children involuntarily begin to compare their natural and adopted offspring, and often cannot love a new family member on an equal basis with their children. And spouses who have dreamed of a child for so long sometimes do not even imagine what kind of work it is and turn out to be unprepared for parenthood after so many years of independent life. After all, everyone around is talking about the immeasurable happiness that will settle in the house when a child appears, and it is customary to remain silent about the fact that since then peace, normal sleep, order will disappear in the house. So, what is worth remembering before adopting a baby?
Diagnosis: healthy
Healthy and small kids find foster families without any problems, orphanages are overcrowded with disabled people and children with chronic diseases. But even if the child's card says "healthy" - this does not guarantee that he does not have hidden diseases, the foster baby is also not immune from injuries. Will you break down in such a situation, will you have enough strength and kindness to fight a serious illness with your child? We would not ask such a question if every year more and more NATIVE parents did not abandon seriously ill children.
You will involuntarily strive to see in the baby the features of yourself or your husband, but, most likely, he will differ from you both in appearance and in temperament. Relatives and friends will also constantly remind you that the child is not like you. Be prepared for this and don't be under any illusions.
Heredity
Genes have an amazing effect on the life of every person, and the adopted child is no exception. If heredity is important to you, and you are afraid of surprises in the future, specify who the baby's parents were. And if the child already lives in your family, never reproach him for being as bad as his own mother. He himself knows that she is bad, he has already suffered enough because of her. Do not allow yourself the thought that he will become an alcoholic or a criminal, like his biological parents. This can be prevented, and it is only in your power.
Alien among their own
He does not make contact, does not obey, behaves like a guest - such complaints can often be heard from foster mothers and fathers. He, of course, is grateful to you for adoption, but he will not automatically be able to become a member of your family. To tame the "stranger" and make you live according to the rules of your "flock" you will have to spend a lot of effort, and maybe nerves.
If he is not the only child in the family, then never single him out among his own kids. At first, you will want to warm the “wolf cub” with increased attention and forgiveness of misconduct, but he will quickly grow bolder and begin to defend his supremacy in the family. Treat him the same as your children, do not hesitate to show your emotions, scold him when necessary, but do not forget about the warm words of love.
The child is "spoiled"
This is the most common reason given by adoptive parents when returning a child to an orphanage. Before the adoption, the girl was just an angel, and after a couple of months she “spoiled”, began to be rude, study poorly, or even steal money from her parents? Children are smarter than we think, at first they are really ready to play the role of quiet, but sooner or later they begin to show character. Adopted children cannot "spoil", they simply cease to play their part. Yes, he's not that good! Capricious, harmful, in a word, the same as all children.
"Mom, am I step-by-step?"
All adoptive parents run the risk of hearing such a question one day, one must be prepared for it and immediately decide whether the child will know about the adoption. If not, then all measures must be taken so that no one tells him the bad news. But will he hate you when he finds out that you have been deceiving him all your life?
"You are nobody to me!"
Psychologists are often approached by adoptive parents whose child has gone crazy and is completely uncontrollable. His parents are not an authority for him. They are “no one” to him, this often happens with children adopted at a conscious age. In such a situation, the foster mom and dad will have to spend a lot of nerves to tame the rebel. But it's much harder to give a lot of love difficult child, excellent students are much easier to love.
And this is not a complete list of problems that adoptive parents may face. Being parents is work, it is self-denial of one's own interests, it is emotional and material dedication. Pictures happy families- nothing more than an illusion, it is just a second from a lifetime with many difficulties that are usually left behind the scenes. Adoption is also promoted by the stars, but don't be naive! Do you have nannies, laundresses, cooks to take care of five foster kids?
not a toy
If it's so difficult, you probably shouldn't adopt a child, you think? But the article is not about that at all. There are so many social advertisements around with calls to take a child from an orphanage, but there is no word that these children are not toys, and they cannot be returned if they “break”. These are vulnerable souls, and most often already traumatized by parting with their own parents, from an early age they wonder what they deserved betrayal. No one will have the idea to send their own child to an orphanage for deuces and leprosy, why is the idea of returning a foster baby allowed?
Become the most dear person for a child, take his “abandoned” life into your own hands, love him as your own, give him everything he dreams of, become an example and guide, heal and protect, always be on his side and endure all his antics … Ready? Then you really can be called adoptive mom and dad, then you can really be trusted with a child's life.
Have you ever thought about adopting a child? Do you think adoptive parents will be able to become family?
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Lawyer, Moscow
Hello.
If you want to change your guardian status to foster parent, then you need to contact the guardianship authority to conclude an agreement on a foster family.
Since you are already a guardian, you have passed the selection as a candidate for guardianship and there is no reason to refuse guardianship.
Family code
Article 153. Adoptive parents
1. Adoptive parents may be spouses, as well as individual citizens who wish to adopt a child or children for upbringing. Individuals who are not married to each other cannot be adoptive parents of the same child. The selection and training of adoptive parents is carried out by the guardianship and guardianship authorities in compliance with the requirements established by the Civil Code Russian Federation, the Federal Law "On Guardianship and Trusteeship", as well as Article 146 of this Code.
2. Foster parents in relation to the adopted child or children shall exercise the rights and perform the duties of a guardian or custodian and shall be liable for failure to perform or improper performance of the duties assigned to them in the manner and on the conditions that are provided federal law and contract.
Article 153.1. Contents of the foster family contract
2. The amount of remuneration due to foster parents, the amount of funds for the maintenance of each child, as well as measures social support provided to a foster family, depending on the number of children taken for upbringing, are determined by the agreement on the foster family in accordance with the laws of the constituent entities of the Russian Federation.
Federal Law on guardianship
Article 14
2. Guardianship or guardianship under an agreement on the implementation of guardianship or guardianship is established on the basis of an act of the guardianship and guardianship body on the appointment of a guardian or trustee who performs their duties for compensation. In case of unreasonable evasion of the body of guardianship and guardianship from concluding an agreement on the implementation of guardianship or guardianship, the guardian or trustee has the right to present to the body of guardianship and guardianship the requirements provided for by Part 4 of Article 445 of the Civil Code of the Russian Federation.
3. When guardianship or guardianship is established under a guardianship or guardianship agreement, the rights and obligations of the guardian or trustee regarding the representation and protection of the rights and legitimate interests of the ward arise from the moment the guardianship and guardianship body adopts an act on the appointment of a guardian or trustee who performs their duties for compensation. The right of a guardian or custodian to remuneration arises from the moment of conclusion of an agreement on the implementation of guardianship or guardianship.
4. The procedure and terms for concluding an agreement provided for by part 1 of this article are determined by the Government of the Russian Federation.
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Lawyer, Moscow
Good afternoon, Anna!
Similar question to question #256762: Hello! My name is Irina, I have been a guardian for 10 years, guardianship is always recognized as safe. Can I become a foster parent for the same child and receive a monetary reward? I permanently live in Moscow, I haven’t worked for 7 years, because the child went to school and there are certain difficulties and I don’t want the child to be abandoned at all ...
Yes, you can become, there are no restrictions, especially since you are already his guardian, the child is used to you, this is only a plus:
Article 153 of the RF IC Adoptive parents
1. Adoptive parents may be spouses, as well as individual citizens who wish to adopt a child or children for upbringing. Individuals who are not married to each other cannot be adoptive parents of the same child.
The selection and training of adoptive parents is carried out by the guardianship and guardianship authorities in compliance with the requirements established by the Civil Code of the Russian Federation, the Federal Law "On Guardianship and Guardianship", as well as Article 146 of this Code.
2. Adoptive parents in relation to the adopted child or children exercise the rights and perform the duties of a guardian or custodian and bear responsibility for non-fulfillment or improper fulfillment of the duties assigned to them in the manner and on the terms provided for by federal law and the contract.
Article 153.1 of the RF IC Contents of the foster family agreement
1. An agreement on a foster family must contain information about the child or children who are being brought up in a foster family (name, age, state of health, physical and mental development), the duration of such an agreement, the conditions for the maintenance, upbringing and education of a child or children, the rights and obligations of adoptive parents, the rights and obligations of the guardianship and guardianship authority in relation to foster parents, as well as the grounds and consequences for terminating such an agreement.
2. The amount of remuneration due to foster parents, the amount of funds for the maintenance of each child, as well as the measures of social support provided to the foster family, depending on the number of children adopted for upbringing, are determined by the agreement on the foster family in accordance with the laws of the constituent entities of the Russian Federation.
Good luck to you!
Respectfully,
Vasiliev Dmitry.
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Saratov
Good afternoon.
When adopting, your advantage is that you, as the guardian of the child, unlike other adoptive parents, are not required to undergo psychological and pedagogical training in the manner prescribed by paragraph 4 of Article 127 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation. (clause 3, clause 11 of the "Rules for the transfer of children for adoption (adoption) and monitoring the conditions of their life and upbringing in families of adoptive parents in the Russian Federation and the Rules for registering children who are citizens of the Russian Federation and adopted by foreigners by consular institutions of the Russian Federation citizens or stateless persons”, approved by Decree of the Government of the Russian Federation of March 29, 2000 N 275).
If you choose such a form as a foster family, you need to conclude an agreement with the guardianship and guardianship authority. The rules for creating a foster family and the procedure for exercising control were approved by Decree of the Government of the Russian Federation of May 18, 2009 N 423 “On Certain Issues of Guardianship and Guardianship in Respect of Minor Citizens”
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Lawyer, Moscow
Decree of the Government of the Russian Federation of May 18, 2009 N 423
2. The contract may be concluded both in respect of one minor ward (hereinafter referred to as the ward), and in relation to several wards. It is not allowed to conclude an agreement through the representative of the guardian.
3. The contract is concluded at the place of residence of the ward and guardian within 10 days from the date of the decision on the appointment of a guardian by the guardianship and guardianship body at the place of residence of the minor citizen. a written proposal to agree on the disputable conditions, within 6 days from the date of receipt of the proposal, take measures to agree on the terms of the agreement or notify the guardian in writing of the refusal to conclude it. In the event of a change in the place of residence of the ward, the contract is terminated, and the body of guardianship and guardianship at his new place of residence concludes a new contract.
4. The maximum amount of remuneration paid to the guardian under the contract at the expense of income from the property of a minor citizen may not exceed 5 percent of the income from the property of a minor citizen for the reporting period, determined by the report of the guardian on storage, on the use of the property of a minor ward and on the management of such property.
That is, there will be an additional conclusion. foster family agreement, since the status of a guardian already exists.
But all these issues are resolved on the spot, in the body of guardianship, because. it is up to them to decide whether to enter or not. But formally there are no obstacles.
I really don't want the baby to be abandoned...
A foster family is actually the same guardianship, only under an agreement on a foster family.
In order for the child to fully enter your family, it may be worth considering adoption.
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1. Adoptive parents can be both spouses and individual citizens of both sexes who are able to raise children and create conditions for them to comprehensive development. However, persons who are not married to each other, although they are members of the same family, such as brother and sister or de facto spouses, cannot be adoptive parents of the same child.
The legislation establishes a list of restrictions established for persons wishing to become foster parents. It is similar to the list of restrictions for guardians (trustees), adoptive parents. Among the entities that are obviously unable to carry out family education, assigned: persons, recognized by the court incapacitated or partially incapacitated; persons deprived by court of parental rights or limited by court in parental rights; suspended from the duties of a guardian (custodian) for improper performance of the duties assigned to him by law; former adoptive parents, if the adoption is canceled by the court due to their fault; persons suffering from chronic alcoholism or drug addiction, and persons who, for health reasons, cannot fulfill the duties of raising a child. The list of such diseases, approved by Decree of the Government of the Russian Federation of May 1, 1996 N 542, is general and is used in the medical examination of adoptive parents, guardians (trustees) and adoptive parents.
The direct selection of adoptive parents is carried out by the guardianship and guardianship authorities from among the persons living in the area who have expressed such a desire, who are able to take the child for upbringing and are not subject to these restrictions. The selection is made from candidates with acceptable moral and other personal qualities, social stability. The nature of the relationship between the foster parent and the child, as well as the attitude of other members of the foster family towards the child, is also important. These circumstances are taken into account by the guardianship and guardianship authorities when selecting foster parents. On the procedure for selecting and preparing foster parents, see the commentary to paragraph 3 of Art. 152 RF IC.
2. The concluded agreement between foster parents and guardianship and guardianship authorities gives rise to the corresponding rights and obligations of the parties. The rights and obligations of adoptive parents coincide with the rights and obligations of a guardian (custodian) (p.
2 tbsp. 153.1 RF IC).
Foster parents have the right and obligation to raise a child in a foster family on the basis of mutual respect, organizing a common life, leisure, mutual assistance. They have the right to independently determine the ways of raising a child, however, taking into account his opinion and recommendations of the guardianship and guardianship authority.
Foster parents are also responsible for creating the necessary conditions for the child to receive an education. Adoptive parents have the right to choose educational institution and forms of education of the child, taking into account the opinion of the child before he receives a general education, and are obliged to ensure that the child receives a general education (clause 6, article 148.1 of the RF IC). To this end, parents-educators ensure that the adopted child visits a general education institution, monitor his progress, and maintain contact with teachers and educators of this institution. If it is impossible for a child to attend a general education institution due to the state of his health, the parents shall ensure that the child receives education in the forms established by law that are accessible to the child.
Caring for the health of the child, his physical, mental, spiritual and moral development, providing care for the child and treatment, systematic presentation to specialist doctors in accordance with medical recommendations and the state of health of the child - these are the duties of foster parents.
Foster parents have the right and duty to protect the rights and interests of the child. The necessary powers of foster parents are confirmed by a certificate issued to foster parents by guardianship and guardianship authorities. Being the legal representatives of the adopted child, the adoptive parents protect his rights and interests, including in court, without special powers.
In addition, adoptive parents become the owners of the rights and obligations provided for in each case when concluding the contract.
For failure to perform or improper performance of their duties, adoptive parents are liable in the manner and on the terms provided for by federal law and the contract.
