The grandson wants to be the first in everything, and when this does not work out, he gets angry, believes that he was unfairly passed over... Is it worth indulging the thirst for championship?
Elena V., Pskov
Answers practical psychologist Tatyana Shishova:
Such children need to be oriented towards competition as a team, so that they strive for success together with others and for the sake of others. It’s one thing when a competitive child sees children as rivals, almost enemies, and quite another when he begins to consider them comrades whom he, so smart, strong, noble, will help.
It is useful for him to play games where he needs to act together: football, hockey, rounders, dodgeball. Draw on a large sheet of paper when you need to complement the ideas of your comrades. Prepare some kind of performance with others. Role-playing games are also good, in which the idea of the importance of friendly teamwork runs through the thread (for boys - “to be firefighters”, “to be sailors”, “to be border guards”; for girls - “to the hospital”, “to the store” or “to restaurant").
The sign is partly true
We are waiting for the baby to be born. And we wonder who he will look like. They say boys look like their mothers. This is true?
Gimatdinov family, Cheboksary
Geneticist, Doctor of Medical Sciences, Professor Alexander Petrin answers:
Indeed, boys are more likely to look like their mothers. They inherit only one X chromosome from their mother, and this chromosome is rich in genes responsible for appearance: the shape of the eyebrows, the shape of the face, skin color... Dad’s Y chromosome is poor in genes responsible for facial features.
For girls the situation is different. They get one X chromosome from their mom and one X chromosome from their dad, so girls are equally likely to resemble both mom and dad.
And geneticists have also noticed that some obvious, distinctive feature of appearance is often passed on from generation to generation. For example, genes responsible for a large nose with a hump dominate. If one of the parents has one, the child will have it too. It is highly likely that your baby will get a dimple on his chin if his mom or dad has one. And big mom or dad ears.
An individual, not half of a couple
I have twin granddaughters. It’s already hard to raise twins, so my daughter-in-law also works with each of the girls separately. Why is this? In our time, it was believed: thank God that at least they are busy with each other and do not tear their parents away.
V. P., Moscow
Nadezhda Zyryanova, Associate Professor of the Department of Psychogenetics of the Faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University named after M.V. Lomonosov, answers:
Your daughter-in-law is right, for each of the twins to succeed as an individual, he must be perceived as an individual, and not as half of a single couple. It is clear that it is easier to buy girls the same clothes, but it is still better to dress them differently. Similar as two drops of water - make different haircuts. For a birthday, give not just one toy for two, but each one with their own gift, which the child has the right not to share with his twin. And even bake two birthday pies. It seems like a small thing, like a mother calling her children, but it is also important. There is no need to say: “Children, come here.” It’s better to call everyone separately. And alternately be the first to pronounce the name of one or the other, so as not to cause jealousy.
Be sure to talk to each child alone. Otherwise, how can we recognize his character, separate his “I” from the strong common “we”? A mother can take one child with her to the store one time, and the next time another.
Foreign psychologists even advise taking twins to kindergarten in turns, for example, on Monday, Wednesday - one, on Tuesday, Thursday - the other, on Friday - both. This is also useful for kids because they can build relationships with other children, and not just isolate themselves on each other. But separating them for a long time, for example, giving them to different groups or in different classes at school, before the children are ready for such a division, it is impossible. This will cause the twins a lot of stress. Usually, twins can be separated for a long period only with the onset of adolescence.
Social expectations affect girls later in life, while boys struggle with stereotypes in childhood
Photo: pixabay.com/CouleurBoys are more likely than girls to be afraid of being objects of social stigmatization (associating a quality with a specific person or group of people, although this connection is absent or not proven) for challenging gender roles. Barbara Risman, a professor of sociology at the University of Illinois at Chicago and an expert on gender inequality, came to this conclusion after conducting more than a hundred interviews with millennials (people born after 1981). The results of the study in her new book“Where Millennials Leave Us: The Next Generation Is Challenging the Gender Structure.” The scientist’s work is reported by Phys.org.
The professor interviewed young people of different ethnicities, genders and sexual orientations, including transgender and queer people. She found that many millennials feel constrained by gender. Stereotypes dictate to them how to dress, talk, how much to weigh, what muscles to exercise. “Women are required to be attractive and flexible, and men are required to avoid anything that is considered effeminate,” writes the specialist.
However, as Barbara Risman noted in her Chicago Tribune column, today's young women understand that gender is a personal attribute, not a socially imposed identity, and feel more confident than generations of the 1960s, 1970s and 1980s , especially at a young age. “Feminism has changed the world so much that young women are not limited in childhood or adolescence. Of course, research shows that gender consciousness will develop later, when women are faced with the "reckoning" of motherhood and the growing gap between men's and women's salaries. But now everyone tells her: “go ahead, girl!” says the expert.
“Gender stereotypes about women still exist, but they tend to appear in adulthood, when a girl begins to combine work and personal life,” says American author, historian and research director at the Council on Modern Families Stephanie Coontz. “A girl can be anything: a tomboy, an athlete, an excellent student.” Boys, however, according to both researchers, are still subject to increased demands “very early and very harshly,” and punishments for gender inconsistencies are severe.
As Barbara Risman notes, a teenage boy is constantly under pressure to “be a man” or “he acts like a girl.” “I have heard many stories about how young man they teased him for wanting to take ballet lessons or for preferring sitting in the kitchen with his sisters to football with the boys,” the expert noted.
Activists from the violence prevention campaign The Line (promoting the principles of healthy and respectful relationships among people 12-20 years old) draw attention to the need to destroy gender stereotypes. Experts advise parents to praise their children equally for one type of behavior, for example, neatness or physical activity; name parts of the body in anatomical terms; pay attention to stereotypes in the media and discuss them with children; avoid the phrases “this is a man’s job” or “this is not worthy of a lady”; Buy toys without being guided by color or specific themes.
There is an acute shortage of men in Russia. There are 10 million fewer of them than women. And the older the women, the fewer men falls to their share. These are the disappointing data from Rosstat. Today there are 67.7 million men and 78.5 million women living in Russia. And for every one thousand men there are 1158 women.
The image of a man “with a stroller at the ready” is unpopular among modern macho men. But there are exceptions. Photo: PhotoXpress
34 years old - fatal age
And what’s interesting is that more boys are born in Russia than girls. Under the age of four, there are 947 girls for every 1,000 boys. According to the chief researcher at the Institute of Socio-Political Research of the Russian Academy of Sciences, Leonid Rybakovsky, this is a common story - more boys are always born in all countries: “If you look at the statistics of conceptions, it turns out that up to 125 boys are conceived for every hundred girls. But boys more often become victims of miscarriages And those that are born are more susceptible to diseases, and in adulthood - bad habits and the influence of other dangerous factors."
At the age of 5-9 years, girls become 953 per thousand boys, and until the age of 19 the ratio does not change. But then the number of boys begins to decline rapidly. The age of 30-34 can be called the equator - the number of men and women in our country equalizes.
Norilsk is the territory of men
Most single women live in large cities. For example, in Nizhny Novgorod There are 27 percent more representatives of the fair sex than the stronger sex (1273 women per thousand men). The situation is almost the same in Perm (1263 women per thousand men), in Samara (1244 per thousand). In St. Petersburg and Moscow the situation is little better (1204 and 1167 per thousand, respectively).
If you look in cross-section federal districts, then the most harmonious situation is in the Far East - there are 1,081 women per 1,000 men. The situation with men is worst in the Central Federal District - 1,180 representatives of the fair sex per thousand representatives of the stronger sex.
However, there are treasured places in Russia where more men live than women and where, apparently, it’s worth going to get suitors. These are Chukotka and Yamalo-Nenets autonomous okrugs(per 1000 men there were 961 and 995 women, respectively). You can also name specific cities where men clearly lack female affection. These are Norilsk (Krasnoyarsk Territory) and Novy Urengoy (Yamalo-Nenets Autonomous Okrug), where there were 987 and 922 women per thousand men, respectively.
Don't drink in one gulp, guys!
This unfavorable ratio has developed due to the continuing high level of premature mortality among men, Rosstat notes.
This is confirmed by the director of the Institute of Demography of the National Research University Higher School of Economics, Professor Anatoly Vishnevsky. One of Russia’s troubles, he says, is the very high mortality rate from external causes: murder, suicide, road accidents, drowning, poisoning, including alcohol.
The expert gives an example: in 15 Western European countries (members of the European Union before its expansion in 2014), in 1970, 97 out of every 100 thousand men died from this group of causes. By 2011, the rate had dropped to 44 per 100 thousand—more than doubling. In Russia, the corresponding indicators are: in 1970 - 239, in 2011 - 217 per 100 thousand. 10 percent reduction.
And there are several reasons. “One of them is the special structure of alcohol consumption - we have a very high share of strong drinks, which are also often consumed in gulps. You can drink a bottle of wine in the evening, and nothing will happen to you. And if you immediately “slammed” the glass vodka, or even more, then your heart muscle may not be able to withstand it,” says Anatoly Vishnevsky. Once upon a time, Finland had the same type of alcohol consumption as ours.
But they dealt with the problem. And in Poland too. The consumption structure there has changed. Switched from vodka to beer. But beer doesn’t kill you like that. It cannot be said that all of Europe is sober. France has a problem with alcoholism. But the mortality rate there is one of the lowest in Europe.
There is no life in fists
Another Russian factor, historically established, is the low cost of life - neither one’s own nor that of others. “We almost immediately start showing off our muscles,” says Vishnevsky.
Traditionally, men perform the most difficult and dangerous work, which takes away their health and lives; this is another reason for the high mortality rate of young men in Russia and the large difference in life expectancy between men and women (66 and 76 years, respectively), adds Leonid Rybakovsky.
Dead end branch
Male deficiency affects different areas life. On family relationships, on the labor market.
When there are much more young women than men, this primarily affects the “marriage market” and family relationships, explains Elena Mezentseva, associate professor of the Department of Sociology at the National Research University Higher School of Economics. “Men now have no motivation to tie themselves into marriage. Many of them strive to live in unregistered marriages in order to maintain freedom,” explains the expert. “They know that if something is wrong, they can always leave. And not be left alone after that.” . And he adds: men now have a wider choice when looking for a soul mate, because there are many more single women in Russia.
The lack of men in the labor market results in women gradually beginning to occupy traditional male niches. On the one hand, “marking” is highly developed in our country - this work is only for women, and this is purely for men. “It is in the minds. Therefore, overcoming barriers is going quite slowly. But in recent years the process has accelerated,” says Mezentseva.
By the age of 30-34, the number of men and women equalizes. And then the score goes against the young ladies
For example, women have become more likely to find leadership positions. True, Western companies have shown us a positive example, which have established rules of “non-discrimination”. “In representative offices of foreign companies opened in Russia, you will see many women in first- and second-level management positions, among top management. In joint Russian-Western ones, fewer. In purely Russian ones, a minimum. But the process is underway,” she says.
In addition, women began to “infiltrate” traditionally male spheres such as the army and other security forces. And if previously they worked there mainly for " women's work" - cooks, cleaners, now they began to serve almost on an equal basis with men and occupy positions that were previously available only to the stronger half.
Some time ago, a trend began when women began to take the places of men in heavy physical work.
Is all hope for migrants?
Now the trend of “women in male professions” has almost been reversed - migrants are pushing them out of such places. They are currently filling the gap Russian men. And at work. And in families, by the way, too.
“Have you seen women asphalt pavers lately? A man’s job, which at one time women had to take on. Now it is left to visiting men,” Mezentseva gives an example. And he refers to statistics - before the crisis, more than 12 million foreigners came to Russia per year, most of whom worked here. “Essentially, they made up for the shortage of men,” she said. Moreover, it is no secret that the majority of migrant workers are young men. And many of them start second families here. “As a rule, guys come already married, with a child. But here they begin to live a family life with Russian women, and children are also born in these, albeit unregistered, families,” says Elena Mezentseva. Some then divorce their first wife, others live in two families.
True, recently the number of women among migrants has been increasing. Knowing about this trend, they strive to come to work with their husband so as not to lose him.
Boys do not grow on their own, evenly and smoothly.
Boys do not grow on their own, evenly and smoothly. There is no such thing that you bother yourself only by cramming healthy grains into your child, providing him with clean shirts - and inone fine day your boy wakes up as a real man! It is necessary to follow a certain educational program.
If a boy is constantly in the sphere of your attention, you probably notice how he grows up day by day, how his mood and energy change. different periods life. The challenge is to understand what the child needs and when.
Fortunately, boys were not born today, and we are not pioneers in matters of raising them. Every world culture has faced the problem of raising boys and offered its own solutions. It is only in recent decades, when the pace of life has become especially hectic, that we have somehow lost sight of the need to create a real program for raising boys. We're just too busy with other things!
The three stages of adolescence are universal and exist outside of time. When discussing them with my parents, I always hear: “That’s right!”, because the experience of parenting confirms the correctness of these postulates.
Briefly about the three stages of development
1. The first stage covers the period from birth to six years - the age during which the boy is most closely connected with his mother. This is “her” boy, even though the father may play a very large role in the child’s life. The purpose of education during this period is to convey to the boy great love and a sense of security, to “charge” him for life as a great and exciting journey.
2. The second stage lasts from six to fourteen years - the age period during which the boy, following his own inner feelings, wants to learn to be a man and looks more and more closely at his father, his interests and actions. (Although the mother remains a very close person, and the world around us becomes more and more interesting.) The goal of education during this period is to increase the child’s level of knowledge and develop his abilities, not forgetting about kindness and openness - that is, to strive for development harmonious personality. It is at this age that your son begins to feel joy and comfort because he is a boy.
3. And finally, the period from fourteen years to adulthood is when a boy needs the participation of a male mentor if he wants to be fully prepared for adult life. Mom and dad retreat somewhat into the background, but they must find a worthy mentor for their son so that he does not have to be content with the knowledge and experience of his incompetent peers. The goal of education at this stage is to teach skills, instill a sense of responsibility and self-respect, actively involving adult life.
Please remember that these stages do not in any way imply a sudden or abrupt transfer of influence over the child from one parent to the other. It is best when both parents take an active part in their son’s life from childhood to adulthood. The stages of adolescence only indicate a shift in emphasis: for example, the father comes to the fore between the ages of six and thirteen, and the influence of mentors increases from the age of fourteen. The main criteria when choosing a mentor remain safety and honesty.
Knowing about these three stages, you can clearly define a program of action for yourself. For example, it is quite obvious that fathers of boys between the ages of six and fourteen should not be workaholics, just as they should not be removed from the family either morally or physically. If this happens, it is exclusively to the detriment of the sons. (And yet modern fathers do exactly this; many of us can confirm this from the experience of our childhood.)
Boys' developmental stages suggest that we need extra help from society as our sons reach adolescence. Once upon a time, such support was provided by relatives (uncles and grandfathers) or master craftsmen, who took boys on as apprentices and apprentices.
Unfortunately, today it all too often happens that teenagers go out into the big world, but there seems to be no one waiting for them, no one lending a helping hand, and they are forced to spend their adolescence and youth in dangerous homelessness. Some never grow up.
It would be fair to say that many problems - especially those related to the behavior of boys, their lack of motivation at school, and then troubles with the law (driving while drunk, fights, etc.) stem from the fact that we did not know about the characteristics of boy development and did not provide them with the necessary assistance in time.
Knowing the three stages of boys' development is essential, so we must look at them in detail and decide how to respond. That's what we are doing now.
From birth to six: the tender years
Babies are babies. Whether it is a girl or a boy does not matter either to the child himself or to his parents. Babies love to be held, played with, cuddled, and giggle contentedly; they like to observe the world around them. Babies have a wide range of temperaments. Some are quite easy - they are calm and relaxed, they sleep for a long time. Others are noisy and restless, always demanding action. Someone who is fearful and restless, who needs constant reassurance that someone is there with him, that he is loved.
During this period of life, it is necessary for the baby to feel a connection with at least one person. As a rule, with my mother. Possessing special enthusiasm and high motivation, besides feeding him with her milk, and by nature endowed with special softness and tenderness in her approach to the child, it is the mother who is most prepared to fully satisfy the baby’s needs. Her own hormones (especially prolactin, produced during breastfeeding) make a woman want to be with her child and focus all her attention on him.
Except breastfeeding Fathers can also provide all the needs of a newborn, but they do it a little differently. Studies show that they are more active in games with the child, they like to excite him, while mothers try to calm him down. (However, when fathers, like mothers, begin to suffer from lack of sleep, they no longer have time for noisy games and they also do not mind calming the child down!)
The first manifestations of gender differences
Some genetic differences between girls and boys begin to appear as early as infancy. Boys are less sensitive to the faces of others. Girls have a more developed sense of touch. Boys grow faster and gain strength more actively, although they perceive separation from their mother more acutely. When children begin to walk, the difference between girls and boys becomes even more noticeable. Boys generally need more space to play and move around. They love to grab and manipulate objects and build tall towers with blocks, while girls prefer to tinker on the floor. IN kindergarten boys ignore the appearance of new people in the group, and girls immediately notice them and make friends.
Sadly, adults treat boys more strictly. Research shows that parents hug and cuddle girls much more often, even as newborns. They talk less to boys. And mothers punish boys more often and more painfully.
If the mother is the main source of affection and care, for the boy she becomes the first model for love and tenderness. Starting from the second year of a child’s life, when he begins to walk, the mother can firmly, without offending or shaming the boy, set the boundaries of their relationship, and the boy will learn this for the rest of his life. He knows that he has a special place in his mother's heart.
When a mother teaches a boy with interest and pleasure and talks to him, this helps the development of his speech skills and sociability. We'll see later how important this is for boys, since they need help with communication skills more than girls.
If in the first year or two of her son’s life the mother finds herself in the deepest depression and is closed to communication with the child, an aspect of sadness appears in his mind. If a mother gets angry, beats or offends her son, he begins to doubt that he is loved. The mother needs support and assistance from other family members so that she has the opportunity to rest, relax and find time to communicate with the child. She needs to take care of herself, then she can fully take care of the child.
The mother expresses delight when she sees her child chasing lizards or making Easter cakes out of sand; she is proud of his achievements. The father squeezes his son, plays wrestling with him and also shows tenderness and care, reads books, consoles him when the child is sick. The baby learns that men are kind and at the same time interesting to be with, that they can read books and help around the house.
Home is better
If possible, it is best for a boy to remain at home with one of his parents until he reaches the age of three. Nurseries or infant homes are not very suitable for caring for boys under three years of age. Research shows that boys are more likely than girls to experience separation from loved ones, and they are more likely to experience emotional stress from feeling abandoned. As a result, anxiety and aggressiveness develop, and this pattern of behavior persists in the boy at school.
Care from a loving parent or family care is much preferable. Small children need to be nearby loving person. The first lessons that boys need to learn in this life are the lessons of kindness, trust, warmth and joy.
In short…
Until the age of six, the gender of the child does not really matter, and you should not focus too much on this aspect. As a rule, mothers turn out to be the closest person to the child, but the role of the father should also not be underestimated. The most important thing for a child during this period of life is to be in the center of attention and feel the presence of two loving parents nearby. This is how he develops a sense of security, primary communication skills and a desire for knowledge and interaction with others.
However, this period passes too quickly. So seize the moment and enjoy your baby!
From six to thirteen: an interest in masculinity
At the age of six, boys undergo an important metamorphosis. It’s as if a hitherto dormant masculinity is awakening in them. Even those boys who don’t watch much TV suddenly begin to show interest in weapons, dream of wearing Superman caps, wrestling and fighting, playing noisy games. And something else very important happens: and this is typical for all countries and cultures.
Around the age of six, boys seem to close in on their father or grandfather or another man. A desire awakens in them to be close to a man, to learn from him, to imitate. They want to “learn to be a man.”
If the father ignores the son during this period, the boy will often engage in wild behavior just to get his attention.
To attract their father's attention, boys may start stealing, wetting the bed, showing aggression at school, and committing other unseemly acts.
Moms still matter a lot
This sudden change of interest towards the father does not mean that the mother is leaving the scene. In some countries (such as the United States), mothers often distance themselves from their six-year-old sons in order to add “toughness” to them. (This is the age at which children in Britain are sent to boarding schools.) But, as Olga Silverstein argues in her book Courage in Raising Real Men, this idea is insidious. Boys need to know that they can rely on their mother in everything, and they should not suppress tender feelings in them. It is best if the boy is close to his mother, of course, while his father will also be nearby. If the father feels that the son is too involved in the interests of the mother (which happens), he needs to increase his influence - in no case criticizing the mother! Sometimes the father is too strict or places increased demands on his son, and he begins to fear him.
If at an early age a mother suddenly moves away from her son or deprives him of warmth and attention, the result is sad: the boy, trying to drown out resentment and pain, seems to cut the strings that connected him with his mother - tenderness and love.
Instinct tells him that it is difficult to show warm feelings if they do not find a response from the mother. If a boy puts such a barrier on himself, he will grow up to be quite harsh and rude and is unlikely to show warmth and tenderness towards his children and wife. We all know very well such men (bosses, fathers, husbands) who are emotionally pinched and cannot establish contact with people. We can make sure that our sons are not like that, and for this we just need to hug them more often - at five, ten, and fifteen years old.
Five Commandments of Fatherhood
Here's a few more fatherhood lessons to learn.
1. Start as early as possible. Participate in the parenting process from the period of pregnancy. Talk to the expectant mother about your hopes for the baby, and be involved in the baby's care from birth. This is a key stage in building future relationships. Caring for a child at an early stage disciplines you and changes your life priorities.
Keep in mind: fathers who care for newborns tune in to the same wavelength with them, a so-called deep immersion occurs. By the way, men do an excellent job of calming a child down in the middle of the night - they rock him, rock him, and sing songs! Don't become a mother hen, but strictly follow the advice of the child's mother or other experienced mentors. And be proud of your achievements. Even if you are too busy with work, use your weekends or vacations to spend time with your child. Starting from the age of two, invite the mother to leave you with the child on weekends, and you will realize that you are doing an excellent job with your role.
2. Find time. This is the most important thing. Dads, remember: If you spend fifty-five to sixty hours a week at work, including business travel, you simply cannot fulfill your responsibilities as a father. Your sons will have problems in life, and this will certainly affect you. Fathers need to come home on time to play, laugh, teach their children, frolic with them. Working in corporations and small businesses becomes the enemy of the family. Often fathers choose more low earnings, but they have the opportunity to spend more time with their family. So the next time you're offered a promotion that requires longer hours and more travel, seriously consider telling your boss, “Sorry, but my kids come first.”
3. Don't hold back your emotions. Hugging your son, frolicking with him, playing wrestling is not forbidden until he comes of age! Combine these noisy games with quieter pastimes: children are very receptive to stories, they like to just sit next to their father, sing or play music. Tell your children how smart, beautiful, and creative they are (praise them often and sincerely). If your parents weren't as open about their feelings, you'll have to learn how to do this.
Some men fear that showing affection towards their son will make him “blue.” This is not true at all. Moreover, the opposite is true. Many gay and bisexual men I've talked to admit that a lack of paternal affection partly explains their craving for male affection.
4. More fun. Enjoy your children. If you only spend time with them out of guilt or obligation, it will not be beneficial. Try to find activities that you both enjoy. Relieve children of the “burden of duty,” but strongly encourage them to help around the house. Limit their extracurricular activities to one or two sports or other activities so they have time to just be themselves. Organize them free time so that they don’t wander around aimlessly, and devote it to walks, games, and conversations. Avoid being overly competitive in games. Teach your children constantly, share with them everything you know.
5. Don't forget about discipline. Today, many fathers have chosen for themselves the role of “good dads,” leaving all the difficult issues of education to their halves. But we still advise men to participate in decision-making and monitor how the child does his homework and housework. Establish discipline standards - calmly but firmly. Do not resort to assault, although sometimes there is a temptation to spank the boy. Insist on respect. Don't make yourself look small. Be sure to listen to your child and take into account his feelings and experiences. Discuss global issues of upbringing with the child’s mother: “Are we succeeding in everything? What needs to change?” Raising a child together brings parents closer together.
Search for an object to emulate
A boy between the ages of six and fourteen still adores his mother and can learn a lot from her. But his interests change: he is increasingly drawn to learn from a man. The boy realizes that he is growing up. And for development to be complete, he must “load into himself as much data as possible” from a man.
The mother can only calmly accept this, remaining warm and ready to provide support. The father’s task is to gradually intensify his participation in upbringing. If the father is not around, the boy begins to look for a man in his environment - for example, at school. But today there are fewer and fewer men among teachers, especially in primary schools, and this creates a certain problem.
Single mother
For thousands of years, single mothers had to raise boys on their own. There is no doubt that women can raise worthy men, but - and this is a very big “but” - those women with whom I spoke always emphasized that they found men in their environment worthy of emulation, calling for help relatives, friends, school teachers, sports coaches, leaders of youth organizations (choosing them with great care to avoid the risk of sexual harassment).
In short…
While a boy is in primary and secondary school, he needs to spend more time with his father and mother, receiving help from them, acquiring life knowledge and experience from them, and enjoying their company. From an emotional point of view, the father comes to the fore during this period. The boy is ready to learn from him, listen to his words. As a rule, he begins to look up to his father. Mothers have a lot to get mad about!
This time period - from six to fourteen years - provides the father with an ideal opportunity to influence his son (and lay the foundations of his masculine character). This is time that needs to be spent productively. Any minor deeds are beneficial: playing outdoors on summer evenings; and walks, accompanied by conversations “about life” and stories about their own childhood; and sharing hobbies or sports. It is during this period that pleasant memories of childhood are laid in your son’s memory, which will nourish him throughout his life.
Don't be alarmed if your son acts too cold-blooded: this style of behavior is probably accepted at his school. Be persistent and you will discover that under the mask of feigned indifference there is a cheerful and playful child. Don't miss the opportunity to spend time with your son if he really wants to be in your company. Closer to his youth, his interests will draw him into the world around him. All I can do is encourage you to do the following: Don't miss your chance to be a part of your son's life!
Fourteen and Over: Becoming a Man
Around the age of fourteen, a new stage of adolescence begins. As a rule, at this age, boys noticeably stretch in height, but a dramatic change also occurs in the body: testosterone levels increase by almost 800 percent!
Although everything is individual, at this age they have something in common: they become more stubborn, restless, and their mood often changes. And it’s not that they change for the worse, it’s just that a new personality is born in them, and birth always involves struggle. They need to find answers to serious questions, plunge into new adventures, set new goals, set priorities for the future - and yet their internal clock is rushing them to live.
I believe that it is at this age that we lose contact with children to a greater extent. It just so happens that we present a standard set of demands to teenagers: more diligence at school, more work around the house. But a teenager needs something more. He is both hormonally and physically eager to enter the adult world, and we want to keep him in childhood for another five or six years! It's not surprising that problems arise.
But in fact, you need to lift the boy’s spirit - channel his passion into a creative direction, give him the opportunity to spread his wings. All the troubles that parents have in the form of nightmares (teenage adventurism, alcohol, drugs, crime) come from the fact that we do not find channels for the release of the teenage thirst for fame and heroism. Boys look at the adult world and see nothing they want to believe in or participate in. Even their protest is packaged and offered as a commodity by advertisers and the music industry.
The guys want to break through to where it is cleaner and better, but such a place is not visible.
What the Ancients Did
In every civilization - from the Eskimos to the African tribes, at all times and on all continents, teenage boys received special attention and care from the entire community. Ancient cultures knew—and we are just beginning to learn—that parents cannot raise teenage boys without the help of other adults who can be trusted and are willing to participate in the parenting process on a long-term basis.
One reason for this approach is that fourteen-year-old sons and their fathers drive each other crazy. Often a father can only love his son. But it is no longer possible to love and teach. (Remember when your father taught you to drive?) For some reason, two men inevitably bump heads, and this only makes the problem worse. If someone outside comes to the rescue, fathers and sons become much calmer. (Several films have even been made on this topic - for example, “Searching for Bobby Fischer” and “A Trip to the Country” with Albert Finney in the title role.)
Traditionally, two methods were practiced to help a young man enter adulthood. Firstly, teenagers were taken under the wing and set on the true path by adult men who could teach them a craft. Secondly, at certain stages of mentoring, the elders of the clan or tribe initiated the young men into the sacraments of the profession. This process involved serious trials aimed at introducing boys to adulthood.
Initiation in the Lakota Tribes
The indigenous people of America, the Lakota, may be known to you from the film “Dances with Wolves”. They were a tribe of energetic and successful people, with a rich culture, marked by particularly warm relationships between men and women.
At about the age of fourteen, Lakota boys were subjected to a kind of test of strength, the so-called vision test. The boy had to climb to the top of the mountain and sit there waiting for visions or hallucinations caused by hunger. It was assumed that the vision would appear in the form of a certain celestial being who would guide the boy through life. While the boy was trembling on the top of the mountain, he could hear the menacing roars of mountain lions from the darkness. In fact, these sounds were made by the men of the tribe, who ensured the safety of the child. The boys were too valuable material for the tribe, and no one was going to expose them to pointless risk.
When the teenager returned to the tribe, his success was noisily celebrated. But from that day on and for two whole years, he was not allowed to talk to his mother.
Lakota mothers, like women of all hunter-gatherer tribes, are very close and affectionate with their children, and the children often sleep with them in huts. The Lakotas believed that if a boy spoke to his mother immediately after the rite of passage into manhood, the temptation to return to childhood would be too great and he would end up back in a woman's world and never grow up.
After two years, a ceremony to reunite mother and son took place, but by this time the son was already a man, and his attitude towards his mother corresponded to his new status. The women who heard this legend from my lips found it very touching, both sad and joyful. Lakota mothers deliberately released their children, confident that in return they would receive love, respect and friendship from their now adult sons.
In sharp contrast to the customs of the Lakota tribe are modern relationships between mothers and sons, who (as Babbett Smith points out in Mothers and Sons) often remain shy, infantile and indifferent. Sons are afraid to remain close to their mother and at the same time, even when they become men, they still cannot tear themselves away from their mother’s care. They transfer their dependent position to relationships with any other woman. Having not undergone the rite of passage into the male fraternity, they do not trust men and do not believe in male friendship. They don't want to make commitments to women for fear that they will again be motherly and controlled. This is how “no” men appear.
Just leaving women's world, young people can break through their mother's shell and begin to treat women like adults. Domestic cruelty, betrayal, failures in married life are not necessarily the result of problems with women, the reason is precisely that the boys have not gone through the required path of transformation.
You may doubt that in ancient times mothers, and fathers too, would safely give their sons into the wrong hands. But in reality there was no reason to be afraid. The mentors were men who were well known and trusted. Women understood and welcomed this help, because they intuitively felt its need. By releasing a troubled teenage boy from the family, they received back a mature and self-sufficient young man, which they were probably proud of later.
Initiation into adulthood could not be called a one-time event. Sometimes it took months to teach a boy to behave like a man, to take responsibility, so that he would gain strength and become a real man. We are not too well aware of the details of such rituals. Sometimes they were cruel and scary (and we do not want a repeat of them in any way), but they were carried out with a purpose, thoughtfully, and the results were impressive.
Summarizing the experience of our ancestors, we can say: the survival of any tribe depended on raising knowledgeable and responsible young people. It was a matter of life and death and was taken very seriously. Each society developed its own program for educating young people, which involved the combined efforts of the entire adult population.
In the modern world
Today, mentoring is most often absent or exists in an episodic form. The mentors themselves - sports coaches, relatives, teachers, bosses - rarely understand their role and, as a rule, perform it poorly. Mentoring typically took place on the job as part of a job skills and development program. All this is a thing of the past. Working on weekends at a local supermarket, a young man is unlikely to meet a mentor there.
If there is no mentor
If there is no mentor nearby, a young man may face many problems on his way to adulthood. He may get involved in a useless struggle with his parents in an attempt to assert himself and defend his own independence. Or he may become depressed and withdrawn. Children of this age have to look for answers to very complex questions - about sex, choosing a career, about attitudes towards drugs and alcohol. If the mother and father still devote a lot of time to the child, live in his interests, he willingly shares his thoughts and doubts with them. But sometimes a teenager needs to talk to other adults. One study found that having an adult friend outside the family prevents a teenager from becoming involved in criminal activities. (Unless that friend is a criminal himself, of course.)
Young people try to choose their own life path. They may find their interest in religion, they may get caught up in the Internet, they may become interested in music or sports, surfing or rock. If we cannot organize children according to their interests, they will create their own groups. But the problem is that these groups can only become a community of lonely hearts and children in them will not receive any skills or knowledge. Many boys' companies are based only on flimsy connections, and there is no community of interests and support in them.
The worst thing is if we leave teenagers to their fate. That is why we simply need truly professional teachers, sports coaches, leaders of scout organizations, young workers - in general, adults interested in the younger generation. We need people who can bring order into the lives of teenagers.
Today, mothers are the most active in the process of raising children, and fatherhood is still just being revived. And it is still a problem in society to find good mentors.
Briefly about the main thing...
1. From birth to age six, boys need a lot of attention and affection to help them learn to love. By talking with them and teaching them, we help them enter this world. As a rule, the mother performs this role best, although the father can also take part in the process.
2. Around the age of six, the boy begins to show great interest in all things masculine, and the father becomes the main parent. It is important how much time and attention he will devote to his son. The mother's role is still important, and she should not distance herself from her son just because he is older.
3. From the age of fourteen, boys need mentors - adults who show personal care for them and help them gradually move into the big world. In ancient civilizations, a rite of passage was adopted, and mentoring was an indispensable attribute of education.
4. Single mothers can raise a boy well, but they need to be careful about choosing a man as a worthy role model. In addition, single mothers should spend more time taking care of their own health (since they are doing the work of two).
© Steve Biddulph from the book “Raising Boys”
Many teachers will confirm that the most problems at school arise with boys. In most cases, girls adapt better, are more diligent, grasp the material in class faster, and perform more diligently homework. Among boys, aggressive behavior and refusal to listen to teachers' comments are more common.
Australian psychologist Maggie Dent associates boys' school difficulties with a number of serious reasons. One of them is early entry into school. In Australia, it is customary to start school at the age of 6, but in fact, parents send their children to school at the age of 5. But schooling takes little into account the developmental characteristics of boys, which reduces their academic performance and desire to attend school.
Why do boys have a hard time at school?
Recently we have observed certain alarming trends:
- More and more boys aged 4-6 years are being suspended or expelled from school.
- More and more diagnoses of attention deficit disorder and oppositional defiant disorder are being made in boys.
- There are more and more special classes in schools, and 97% of the students in them are boys.
- The number of boys with gambling addiction is constantly growing.
Steve Biddulph, a parenting expert I respect, has been writing for years about how boys face serious problems when they start school, and these problems then negatively affect them and their learning.
Research into the preschool period shows that boys are 6 to 12 months behind girls, sometimes even 18 months behind, by the time they start school.
Australia has significantly lowered the starting age for education - what was normal for six-year-olds is now offered to five-year-olds. 10-20 years ago, a boy who was faced with a developmental delay, by the age of 8, most often caught up with the rest, if he was not forced to perform tasks that were simply beyond his capabilities at that moment.
Constantly repeated failures create the attitude “I’m stupid, I’m stupid,” which is very difficult to do anything about once it penetrates the child’s mind. And such attitudes, unfortunately, can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sad but true.
This is why I am concerned about the official lowering of the school start age for Australian children. Biddulph his wonderful book"Raising Boys" suggests that we need to reconsider our educational approach and send boys to school after the age of 5 - those who resist at 5 will then fight against school for the rest of the years. And many agree with him:
“Boys start speaking later than girls, and their speech becomes fully understandable by age 4, a full year later than girls. For girls preschool age wider vocabulary, longer sentences and better grammar than boys of the same age,” says Ruth Hanford Morhard in Doomed to Move.
Emotional vulnerability
The increasing pressure on five-year-olds has also meant that they play less, which in turn means they move less. At the same time, physical activity is a key activity for most little boys, which helps them with self-regulation of behavior. Many boys are criticized when they fidget or fidget, but this is how they try to concentrate - because movement increases the level of serotonin in the brain, and this, in turn, contributes to more successful mastery of new knowledge and skills.
Partly because of the seething hormones, partly because of the slower language and emotional development, partly due to pressure from society (which instills in boys that they must be strong and successful at all times and at any cost) - boys suffer emotionally on several levels.
There is a misconception that boys and men are not as emotional as women, but this is not true. They just process those emotions differently and express them differently. To generalize somewhat, we can say that boys simply need more time to understand what their so-called “bad” emotions are about, while girls move faster from the emotion itself to its interpretation.
When boys feel emotionally vulnerable - as they do when they perceive that they are not meeting the academic demands of their first year of school - they become increasingly angry. Anger is a perfectly acceptable emotion in an emergency situation, but it doesn't go well with everyday life, especially school ones.
When a boy feels vulnerable and embarrassed, when he is sad, bored or ill, when he does not understand what is wanted of him, or when something does not work out for him, he becomes angry, and this anger is often expressed through aggressive behavior.
The stronger the attachment a boy feels towards his significant adults, the more secure his emotional world becomes and the better his behavior will be. It's sad that due to constant internal battles our boys do more errors, break things more often, forget about things more often, and suffer from the hardships of discipline more than girls. Many teachers primary school They talk about sad/angry boy syndrome - when a little boy, feeling abandoned or anxious, quickly translates this emotion into aggressive behavior.
Philosopher and writer Michael Gurian believes that the invisible engine of masculinity is the desire to prove one's own worth, to gain self-respect. No one can give a man a sense of self-worth - he must give it to himself. To achieve this, boys and men look for external ways to demonstrate their abilities, victories and independence, and this helps them understand where they can find meaningful purpose and meaning in life from a very early age. It is a battle that takes place within themselves.
Boys seem generally competitive, active, and constantly looking for situations where they can prove their worth and importance. When little boys fail to succeed—they fail to build a tower, climb a tree, win a game, or answer a question correctly—they avoid these places of failure. Increasingly in recent years, we are faced with the reluctance of boys to go to school.
It is believed that boys' natural impulsiveness is rooted in biology. Some researchers believe that they are characterized by more low level serotonin is a neurotransmitter that has a calming effect, and therefore it is more difficult for them to control their own impulses. Combine this hypothesis with the possible influence of hormones, as well as cultural and social pressures, and it becomes clear why boys are so incredibly physically active, competitive, risk-taking, and constantly looking for ways to affirm their emerging masculinity.
When do boys suffer at school?
Boys benefit from activities with clear rules and boundaries, but there should not be too many of them. Boys may find it difficult in situations where the teacher gives too many instructions - and they need to remember too many things, including school rules and expectations. Most boys try so hard to please the teacher, to remember everything and to do everything correctly, that they become very tired if they do not have time to have fun and take a break from intense classes. Recess and lunchtime are extremely important to replenish your energy balance. For many little boys (and, of course, girls), it's important to walk a little before school or play during breaks - this will help them gain the strength to face academic challenges.
Many boys need adult help to cope with disappointment and failure. Since their mindset is to be winners, they perceive failures extremely negatively.
When a boy cannot cope with a task in class - write a sentence or pronounce a complex word correctly, he already feels defeated inside, so if he is faced with punitive measures or indifference, he will cope with his feelings of vulnerability through aggression.
A wink and a smile is a wonderful sign of support.
Many boys at school suffer silently from the stress of being separated from their parents. While adapting to new school conditions they may feel abandoned and unloved and therefore need special attention and care.
Remember, love for boys is expressed not only in words - try giving your son a hug, a friendly pat on the back, a pat on the head, a high five and a slap on the palm, a wink, a smile. All these are signs of love and affection for our little sensitive guys. If we respond to their needs and work hand in hand with their first teachers, our boys can feel like we are on the same side.
“The self-esteem of male students is very fragile, even weaker than that of girls.” Dr. William Pollack "Real Boys" How to save our sons from the myths of boyhood."
My tips for parents of boys about to start school:
- You shouldn’t embellish the school too much and tell your child how fun, interesting and great it will be there and how much he will love it.
- Don't tell them they will learn to read. Many boys are upset at the end of the first week that they still haven’t learned this.
- Availability or imminent availability good friend critical for successful adaptation to school.
- Emphasize recess and play - it's a great reason to go to school!
- Hope and pray (really look for it) that the school will have a good playground where you can play freely - kids love it and need it like air!
- Remember that children do not like to go to the toilet at school, and after school do not go to places where there is no easy access to the toilet.
- As soon as they see you, they will begin to starve - prepare for this in advance.
- Having a tantrum in the car is a way to show how much they missed you!
- Prepare for these tantrums in advance - take with you various funny things that can cheer you up - wings, fake teeth, masks and other funny disgraces.
- Don’t pester me with questions: “How’s school? What new things have you learned? Who did you play with? He most likely won’t remember anything at all until the evening, until it’s time to swim and go to bed.
- Before you say the dreaded word “homework,” try to make up for your son’s lack of energy.
- A calm television program or 20 minutes on gadgets, if the child does not want to go outside, will help him forget about school. He needs a little quiet.
- Read funny stories, jokes and riddles more often to support your child’s desire to learn to read (this can be especially difficult for boys).
- Don't forget about nonverbal signs of love and affection.
- Don't escalate the situation - don't tell him how important school is and how important it is to earn the teacher's trust. This is unnecessary.
- Talk more about plans for the weekend so that he has something to look forward to and what to strive for during school days.
- Help him pack his bag in the evening.
- Don't expect much from morning school collections while your child is young. Three things are enough for little boy(of course, not a 14-year-old). Get up, eat, get dressed. And quietly remind him to brush his teeth. Don't bother with cleaning the bed and toys in the morning - it's too much stress.
- Hang a to-do list for him (with pictures if he can't read yet) in the nursery and on the refrigerator - what to do in the morning. Boys can actually forget things, especially if they are tired and don't really want to go to school. This way they can test themselves without asking you...and without bothering you.
- Encourage, cajole and provide a positive attitude towards the school and especially the teacher. Never speak badly about the teacher in front of your child.
- Don’t forget to take a break yourself and relieve stress from school adaptation in the company of your spouse or close friends. Coffee and chocolate will help you!
Remember that boys are just as emotionally sensitive creatures as girls, and many of these tips will help you with girls too.
