The beginning of your family life it was reminiscent of heaven - the husband was caring, affectionate, calm. But now he snaps at any reason, can be rude even in the presence of strangers? What to do if your husband is a boor? How to behave?
Rudeness and abuse from a loved one is very offensive! Surely you, swallowing tears, are trying to somehow change the situation: you gently ask them to behave somehow differently, or, on the contrary, you flare up and try to be rude in response. But rarely do such measures help. Is this really the end of your love?
Actually, not at all! There are many reasons why a man may behave boorishly. Let's try to figure them out.
The first reason is parents. If in your spouse’s family, swearing is not out of the ordinary, but a common way to talk to your wife or child, then there is nothing surprising, your husband simply behaves the same way with you, like his own dad. Yes, at first he tried, showed himself with the best side, but now he began to use the method of resolving conflicts that his parents had already tried more than once. What to do in such a situation? Try to choose a quiet evening, have a heart-to-heart talk with your loved one. Ask him about his family, and somehow casually tell him that he has begun to behave the same way as his father. Ask your husband directly: does he like the relationship in your mom and dad’s family? You probably don’t want everything to be the same in our family, do you? Then please stop being rude to me.
Or maybe the husband's rudeness is happening due to communication problems ? Most likely, you have grown apart and no longer understand each other. And the husband ultimately perceives your words as ordinary reproaches, so he snaps back. Try to analyze - at what moments does your spouse begin to be rude? Maybe you really find fault with him, express all your complaints and grievances? And he's just defending himself. How to fix this situation? Believe me, it’s real and not difficult! Just tell him about your feelings more often, tell him that you don’t like hearing rude words addressed to you. Most likely, in response, your husband will begin to list his complaints against you. But try not to be offended, just say: “Yes, maybe you’re right. Let's try to change. Just promise me you won’t be rude anymore.”
Another possible reason for rudeness on the part of a spouse is problems at work . Maybe my husband is just not having the best time in his service right now. He gets irritated, all his thoughts are directed at the fact that he may lose his job and the opportunity to feed and provide for his family. And since he cannot take his anger out on his boss or colleagues, then you get all the big shots. If you understand that your situation is exactly like this, then try to gently tell your husband that his behavior does not suit you. Let him know that you are also worried about his problems, so hearing rudeness from him is doubly offensive to you. Take an interest in your spouse’s affairs more often, listen to his complaints - this way your loved one will relieve tension.
He stopped loving you. Alas, this situation occurs quite often. Perhaps your husband has met another woman and now cannot decide what to do. He simply just needs a reason to leave the family, loudly slamming the door. So he torments you with his rudeness and rudeness.
What to do in this case? If, in addition to boorish behavior, you have other reasons to suspect your husband of infidelity, then think about the cost of the issue. Are you ready to tolerate his behavior, trying to save your family? Or are you still hoping to restore the relationship? Or will it be easy for you to simply cut this Gordian knot? Do right choice yourself.
I always knew that my husband had a hot temper, but before I had avoided his temper. But gradually my husband began to shout at me and might say something unpleasant. I pretended (probably this was my mistake) that I didn’t notice anything. Now, when my husband is not in a good mood, he uses me like a whipping girl: he distorts my words, he is rude, he can even call me names! And when it cools down, he says “in his own defense” that it was my fault that I brought him to such a state.
I’ve tried to talk to him more than once, but it’s all in vain, I’m exaggerating, they say. It’s very rare to hear the words “Well, I’m sorry” from him, and they are said in such a tone that I understand that this is a favor. I have always been against this behavior, but lately I feel that I have become nervous, angry and am about to answer my husband in the same way. Please advise how to improve the situation.
Irina Well, alas, this happens. Of course, the situation in the family is quite tense, and if nothing is done, it can go far. Therefore, it is important to solve it at a stage when there is still a desire and opportunity to change something.
Shout and be heard?
It’s hard to believe, but this is exactly how overly emotional statements are explained when sorting out relationships. It seems to a person that he cannot shout to his partner, both literally and figuratively, so he raises his voice. This is clear. Well, what about rude words? Psychologists have an explanation for this as well.
Rough and even profane language is always emotionally charged and is used in order to convey one’s thoughts even more “accessibly.” But seriously, the reasons for the not always adequate behavior of men is that they usually have more restrained behavior than us women. It is we who react emotionally to every little thing, but they accumulate and accumulate their discontent, internal tension grows, and then suddenly boom - and “you, a bad person, ruined his life.”
Another reason why a husband is rude may lie in the so-called “pattern behavior.” Simply put, in conflict situations, the spouse behaves the way his parents behaved.
Take care of yourself
It’s probably not very pleasant to read this, but sometimes a woman whose husband is constantly rude should think about whether she has put herself in such an unenviable position. After all, as people say, “you want to hit your hunchbacked back,” but psychologists put it more delicately: the victim always finds his tyrant. What can you do if this is true, at least partially? We need to find a middle ground between “I’d rather remain silent out of harm’s way” and “I’ll defend my opinion until I’m hoarse.” Try to look at the situation from the outside, let him speak, and when the “fountain of emotions” dries up, calmly identify his actions and tell him about your feelings. For example, “You are screaming now. Why are you doing this? When you do this, I feel offended and want to defend myself.” Agree with your husband that, no matter how heated the argument may be, you will not get personal. After all, this is humiliation. Namely, from this, first of all, a man must protect his half.
Work for two
If you understand that the cause of your problems is your husband’s choleric temperament, try to convince him to seek help or advice (for some reason this word sounds safer for men) from a good family psychotherapist. However, this is not always easy to do. In any case, try to come to an agreement with your husband (when he is in good mood) about a few rules at a time when he feels like he's about to explode. If you happen to respond to your husband “in return,” they will also be useful to you.
To express your emotions, you need to choose a special place in the apartment. The main thing is that it is not the kitchen or the bedroom - we subconsciously consider these places to be the most intimate, so they should not be associated with conflicts.
During a “speech” you can raise your voice, but calling names and insulting is a no-no. Also, you can't interrupt each other. If you still have difficulties with the latter, try this psychological technique. Choose a small object (a pen, a TV remote control, a bottle of perfume) and agree that the person holding the object has the right to vote.
Physical pressure in the family is unacceptable not only to people, but also to things. And you cannot argue your opinion by throwing or breaking things.
If you feel like your emotions are getting the better of you, start communicating using notes. Thus, it will not be possible to interrupt or raise your voice. Yes, and calling people names, most likely, will not work, because the statements will be more constructive and thoughtful.
It shouldn't be like this!
It’s a completely different matter when such behavior from your husband is the style of your relationship. He is firmly convinced that his behavior is absolutely normal and not rudeness at all, but just mild criticism? It's time for heavy artillery. During your next performance, try to discreetly film it on your mobile camera or at least record it on a voice recorder. And when he is complacent, let him view or listen to the “compromising evidence.” If after this he does not think about his behavior, more drastic measures are needed. It's time to think about what good you are getting from your marriage. Stability, habit, material security are, of course, important, but your self-esteem and self-esteem cannot be sacrificed for this. You should be aware that many psychologists and women's rights organizations consider behavior in which one person regularly verbally humiliates another as emotional abuse. I am sure that if you really want to change the situation for the better, you will succeed! And your most faithful helpers in this will be self-respect and the belief that you deserve only the best.
Look at yourself
You, in turn, also control yourself, because, let’s be honest, women know how to “nail” and “bring to white heat” like no one else. Do you allow yourself to make negative statements about his earnings? Do you question his abilities, criticize him in front of strangers? Any man perceives such behavior as humiliation, psychologists say. Someone withdraws, becomes apathetic, and someone will defend themselves with the same weapon - humiliation, only in the form of rude and offensive words. Therefore, always remember what kind of husband you want to have next to you. Smart, strong, successful? Then treat him that way.
ADVICE To make objects on the screen larger, press Ctrl + Plus at the same time, and to make objects smaller, press Ctrl + Minus
People marry by mutual consent and on equal rights. But in reality this is not always the case. And it happens that the relationship between two people deteriorates in the process... Trying to prove something to their partner, the other begins to defend their position, sometimes reaching the point of talking in a raised voice. What to do if a husband humiliates, advice from a psychologist, what behavior would a woman suggest to his wife? This question is asked by women in whose family disagreements arise with abuse from a man.
Any woman dreams of an understanding and loving spouse, a cozy home, and obedient children. If she can implement the last components, then the first component completely depends on her spouse.
Reasons why your husband insults and humiliates you?
Psychologists usually divide the reasons that influence such boorish behavior of a man into several positions.
Over time, the feelings that the husband had for his wife gradually cooled down. In the midst of everyday worries, the spouses forget about the beginning of their romance, how they loved each other, how they enjoyed communication, routine drags them into the whirlpool of everyday events.
At the same time, the husband begins to make more and more accusations against his significant other, splashing out his discontent in all its glory, spewing insults on various occasions. For example, he may humiliate his wife about her changed appearance, what happened after childbirth, and there may also be other reasons.
The reasons for the insults may be that the spouse has taken a mistress. He constantly finds fault with his wife with or without reason, tries to tease her, provoke her into conflict, and ruin her mood. By tormenting his soul mate every day, the husband provokes her to leave him, and thus “frees his hands” to start a new relationship.
There are categories of women who allow themselves to be insulted and do not react in any way to the humiliation that comes from a man. Usually in such families the wife looks inconspicuous, and the husband, on the contrary, is literally a handsome peacock.
Another reason why a man can insult his wife is depending on her husband; such a woman tries not to react to such attacks from her husband and remains silent to all his unpleasant statements.
Insults and humiliations can rain down as if from a cornucopia as a result of the aversion to the spouse that has arisen; it sounds rude, but some husbands experience this feeling when looking at their “descended” wife. Does the husband remember what kind of girl he met a long time ago, and what she became like years later? After all, he fell in love with a beautiful, slender and well-groomed woman, and now he sees in front of him every day the complete opposite of the above, which depresses him and forces him to make unpleasant remarks to his soulmate.
The wife's total control over her husband can provoke insults from him, when the wife constantly wonders who is calling him, moreover, checks his phone, reads notes, and asks unnecessary questions. Most likely, an adult will not like this behavior of his wife and he will react negatively towards her, even stooping to humiliation.
If your husband insults you, the advice of a psychologist will help!
Whatever the reason for such an attitude, psychologists recommend taking urgent measures to prevent the recurrence of such situations. They advise women to clean themselves up. Dress extravagantly not only when you are planning to go somewhere, but you should also look beautiful at home. Get your hair done and do some fitness to regain the slimness you have lost over the years. Your noticeable transformation will not leave your husband indifferent and his insults will certainly be replaced by compliments.
What else should you do if your husband insults you?
Invite your husband to take a walk through those places that are dear to you, like a memory where your dates used to take place, while the surging nostalgia can somewhat calm down the aggressive behavior of your spouse; for some time he will not want to communicate in an offensive tone.
In addition, look at the recordings of your wedding, remember how happy you were and how much you loved each other. In a calm tone, talk to your spouse about what makes him communicate so poorly with you, what causes constant humiliation. Tell him that you feel emotional pain when he insults you. Give reasons that you are not as bad as he sees, let him be ashamed of the rude words he said.
Often, a complex husband will never change his behavior. It’s just convenient for him to humiliate his wife, because this way he feels more confident, you can call him energy vampire, which feeds on the life force of those who are next to it.
Do not stoop to retaliatory insults, look for ways to solve this problem, you cannot leave it to chance, this will only aggravate the situation and can complicate it even to the point of causing physical harm, which is unacceptable.
You should not immediately run to your girlfriends and share your family problem with them, complaining about your rude spouse. Maybe tomorrow your relationship will change dramatically, but for your friends your husband will remain bad, trying to “kill you from the world.” And someday your stories will reach his friends. Be sure they will discuss your words with someone else...
Yes, the above advice from psychologists will be effective only in that situation if the spouse also wants to improve the relationship. If a man is against changing something, he should act more radically, and should not allow himself to be humiliated anymore. Break off the relationship temporarily first, so that he has time to think about what is happening, to understand that you are his only woman, without whom he cannot live.
If temporary separation does not have an effect, then there is no point in continuing such offensive and humiliating relationships, because it is not far from assault. Disagree, in such a situation this approach to the problem will be the most optimal. Did you have a life before marriage?
Please answer how you calculate whether it seems to me or not that my husband is just a boor. The fact is that I’m already so used to him being terribly rude that sometimes I just don’t notice it, I accept it as the order of things. And sometimes I notice, but don’t say anything to him, because... I know that he won’t understand this, this is normal for him. But today he blurted out another rudeness to me, I think, at first I took it as humor, and then I said to myself: stop, after all, he is talking to a woman, moreover, to his wife, can a man allow himself to do this? The fact is that he can, when talking to me, say in relation to me: that you exposed your ass. I immediately apologize for his quotes. He will say this and let’s continue to communicate - that is, for him - this is the norm, he won’t even focus on it, he won’t apologize. And if you tell him, he will answer: “Well, what’s wrong with that? How should I say it? “And today, when communicating with me, he used the words “shnobel” - this is in relation to my nose, “muzzle” - respectively, in relation to my face. And today I was simply shortened - I think, but in the end it’s just disgusting - in all 3.5 years of our life I have never heard compliments from him (this is not his hypostasis), but such, I think, boorish words - every time. I began to think: I think at work he won’t allow, for example, to tell his accountant: “What’s that on your face?” Because - this is a woman, and a wife is like a piece of furniture, in relation to her you can blurt out whatever you want - where will she go. I am sure that at work he would not allow him to say such a thing, and if he did, he would receive an appropriate response (if this is, of course, a normal, self-respecting woman). So I think: why am I silent, why do I swallow all this, why do I hear compliments from other men on the streets, but this only results in rudeness? Now I was lying there, thinking and thinking, and decided to wake him up to find out. I calmly asked him why he allowed such rudeness towards me. So what do you think I got in response? Only “abnormal”, “hysterical”, “sick”, “shut your mouth”. I was simply shocked. If I were him, I would simply apologize that I really behaved rudely and tactlessly, but he said: I just fell asleep, and you are with your nonsense. I tell him: “this is far from nonsense, I want to find out what I did to deserve this, any normal woman would not allow herself to be treated like this.” And he: “well, this is normal, but you are abnormal.” I was simply saddened to tears. I said that I didn’t want to see him anymore after these words. Not only did I tell him the matter, he would have at least apologized, but no - he also said a bunch of offensive things and calmly continued snoring. That is, he doesn’t care that he offended me. He can sleep peacefully. But I can't. Therefore, can someone answer - would you allow yourself to be treated like this?
After the birth of the child, Alena's husband does nothing but scream - he constantly raises his voice and insults his wife. Our psychologist analyzed the situation to help with advice.
“Hello, my name is Alena, I’m 24 years old. The problem I have is that my husband has become a terrible boor. He grew up in a family of construction workers, and for him calling names, raising his voice, and insulting him is completely normal. In their family it was like this: they would quarrel, yell, and then five minutes later they would communicate as if nothing had happened.
For me this is wildness, naturally, before marriage he held back, and then the child was born. I had no time for insults and instructive lectures, I didn’t pay attention to the insults a couple of times, and then off I went. If he doesn’t like something, he can call me a pig, or even worse. I simply began to insult him in response, and as a result, our life turned into a nightmare. Almost something goes wrong, he says something offensive to me, and I say something back to him. etc. Like two criminals between each other, although both have higher education, and our daughter looks at this.
Recently my husband started shouting at me in front of guests, it seemed to him that I had offended him in some way, everyone was in shock. This is very painful and offensive. I understand that I immediately behaved incorrectly and I don’t know what to do now, is there really no way to correct the situation? You say my husband doesn’t love me? I think he loves as much as he can. After all, when we don’t fight, everything is fine with us, he says words of love and wants to be with me, I feel it.
I can’t imagine my life without him and I want to save my family. I tried to talk to him, he promises to control himself, but after a couple of days he breaks down again, he says, I’ll bring him down myself. Even things that I wouldn’t pay attention to turn him on.
Maybe you can still force yourself to respect yourself and all is not lost? We've been together for seven years, the rudeness started about a year ago. Maybe the social circle in which he is located is to blame? Tell me what to do in this situation, it’s unbearable to endure. I will be very grateful!” Alena, Sochi
Gestalt therapist Larisa Kuznetsova
Our expert, Gestalt therapist Larisa Kuznetsova, responds to the reader’s letter.
Hello Alena!
Disagreements can always be discovered by looking for specific details. It would be good to figure out why you are annoying each other. I think the list of these complaints is finite. Most likely, you talked with your husband about the fact that you are not satisfied with the form of his response. Try to understand the content. What specific actions or words offend him so much? Talk to him about what you want your relationship to be like, what doesn’t suit him and you.
There is an opinion in families that as soon as the partner begins to behave differently, all the problems will immediately go away, the spouses will live happily. By making mutual accusations, you are actually refusing to take responsibility for your relationship.
Such “unchildish” jealousy and “inheritance” from parents
There is a family life cycle; each stage has its own development tasks and crises. The deterioration of relationships is often associated with the birth of a child. Your little daughter willy-nilly invades your relationship. You, Alena, are both a mother and a wife. You are probably tired from the workload. Against this background, irritability and resentment worsen. And for a husband, a child is not an easy test. During this period, the woman pays much more attention to the baby than to her husband. Many men begin to worry that their wife has stopped loving them. These are unconscious processes. They may be jealous of the child and use aggression as a way to get attention. And we often get angry when we don’t get what we want from someone else. Screams, swearing, insults are similar to a child’s reaction - you’ve probably watched children fight in the sandbox, taking away each other’s scoop and bucket.
Quarrels are a great way to get each other's attention. He is more familiar to your couple than the others. It is important for your husband to love you and feel noticed. But, as you write, in his parental family, “calling names” and raising his voice is the norm. Then all this time you have been successfully playing the children's game that your husband inherited.
How to behave
- Try to respond to insults by talking about feelings and labeling his actions. For example: “You are screaming now. What do you want? Why are you doing this? It hurts and offends me when you scream and want to defend yourself.”
- Learn to hear and listen to each other’s communication messages and not speculate. Just try to clarify what's going on.
- Speak without judgment, this will help you assert your boundaries.
In every family, the love stage of euphoria and idealization of the partner ends sooner or later. Agree with him, accept each other with all our advantages and a huge number of shortcomings, bad habits etc. is the art of a real couple and I wish you to master this art.
There is a psychological center “Lotos” in Sochi. This summer, at its base, I conducted a series of women’s psychological seminars. Don’t be lazy, stop by with your husband for a consultation with a family psychologist. The task of your couple is to develop rules of intimacy and cooperation, to learn even better about what is important to the other, to learn to respect the thoughts and feelings of your partner, even if they differ from yours.
Good luck to you! Larisa
Attention! If you need advice from a psychologist, write to us! All personal information will be hidden and names will be changed.
How to write: Describe in detail the situation in which you find yourself, what exactly oppresses you about it, what you would like to change. Please include your name, age and city where you live. Please try to keep your story within 2,000 characters. Send it to story@site.
The editors reserve the right to publish not all letters and not to enter into correspondence with the authors of letters. Materials are published on the website once every two weeks in the “Psychology” section.
