A woman works and makes a career on an equal basis with a man. But in addition to this, she has a set of traditional household responsibilities. And, of course, caring for a child or children. Very often she tries to combine all these hypostases. But one day there may come a time when there is no strength left to “do everything.”
child psychologist
Most often this occurs during a woman's pregnancy. Changes in well-being, a new role that is difficult to get used to right away, and increased fatigue leave their mark on the usual rhythm of life. The woman gradually realizes that she will no longer be able to, as before, bring heavy bags from the store, cook dinner, clean the bathroom... And then she turns to her husband for help. And he is suddenly surprised.
Why does he stay away?
There is a historically established stereotype of the division of roles within the family: the woman takes care of the house and children, the man earns food for his family. Today you don’t need to go mammoth hunting, a lot has changed, and a patriarchal family structure is already difficult to find among residents of large cities. The roles in the family were mixed. But stereotypes still have a strong impact on everyone and often mislead us.
When a woman can’t cope and demands help, a man “rebels.” He disagrees and is offended by the unfair “attack” on his time and energy.
At appointments with family psychologists, men very often complain about the endless accusations and dissatisfaction of their wives against them. And this is why it is a surprise to them that women are waiting for help:
- This was the custom in my husband’s family. Mom always did everything around the house herself, without involving her husband and children in the housework. And she didn't complain. Therefore, having married, such a man transfers the model of his parental family to his own. And she takes it for granted that a woman is successful everywhere.
- The wife did everything, and then suddenly began to make claims. For a man, this is really a bolt from the blue. “Should I wash the dishes? Are you serious??? Maybe we should wear an apron?” or “Walk with the baby in the evening? No, I'm tired. And you’re on maternity leave, time is running out.” You can understand a man. If a woman provided him with a comfortable life and did not complain, then, in his opinion, it suited her. And when she “out of nowhere” began to demand something that had not been discussed before - of course, he will be surprised and will dig to the bottom - “what, in fact, has changed?” Nothing. I just ran out of energy.
The situation from the inside
What to do if a woman can’t cope and needs her husband’s help with housework and childcare? Families who have managed to come to an agreement and distribute responsibilities within the family live very amicably and happily. And, what is very important, this magical skill is passed on from generation to generation.
Let's look from the outside at a family in which a woman works, takes care of the house, and takes care of the children. She is unhappy, tired, dissatisfied with her husband and really wants help from her husband, but he refuses to help. Every time he helps, she doesn't like it. He does everything reluctantly, without soul and quickly, according to the principle “get it and leave it alone.” A woman is usually dissatisfied, she needs the help of an adult man, not little boy, who was attracted against his will to “women’s” chores, and who also has to redo everything.
What happens to the man in this family? He works, gets tired and needs rest in the evening. He has no need to take on a “female role.” Coming home, he does not feel needed, desired and loved. He does not see gratitude from his wife for his work. He was working and very tired. But here they don’t understand him and don’t accept him. They expect some additional “help” from him. They are dissatisfied with him, they condemn him, scold him and again demand help. The man is under enormous pressure. This situation is perceived by him as unfair and dishonest. As we see, in such a family it is bad for both the woman and the man. Both are losers.
Home theater
Our perception plays a big role in our lives. How we perceive the situation will determine what kind of thought we create. Next, the thought will form a feeling. And if we are convinced that the situation is acceptable, then everything is fine. We are satisfied and happy. There are no insults or quarrels.
If a woman perceives the situation in a negative way and thinks that her husband is behaving dishonestly towards her, then she is offended, but endures it and does everything herself. This is where the role of the victim comes into play. The woman thinks: “I am so good, I do so many things for the family, but he is ungrateful, does not appreciate me, does not help me. I good wife! He's a terrible husband!
In the woman’s perception, she is in the role of Cinderella, and her husband is in the role of an insensitive stepmother. The unconscious prize of this situation: recognition of oneself as a good and unhappy girl. In fairy tales, such a role is usually held in high esteem. And in the end, Cinderella will have happiness and help, but from other people, not from her stepmother! This character could not be changed in any fairy tale...
What happens in life? The victim does everything himself, endures, remains silent and delays as long as he can. But as soon as there is more work (a baby is born, a move occurs, going back to work after maternity leave, etc.), the husband’s help becomes necessary. She applies for it and is refused. A woman accumulates grievances, tension grows, anger overwhelms her. And she changes the role of the victim to the role of the aggressor. Fear forces a man to fulfill all stated demands. But it won't last long. The husband at this moment takes on the role of the victim. Having understood the situation a little, he reacts with one of two historical strategies for survival: run away (from home, to work, to training or on business) or to freeze (fall asleep, stop talking).
After the “storm” the woman feels guilty. And this puts her back into the role of victim. Until the situation is realized, the cycle repeats again and again.
What happens to the man? He feels betrayed. He worked hard from the first days life together. Everything was always fine. And then suddenly, after the birth of the child, the woman changed and began to demand help, she became dissatisfied with him. The man feels unloved and deceived. “I'm good. She's bad. She doesn't appreciate me." The role of the victim is now played by a man.
The “victim-aggressor” role is two sides of the same coin. Only people with similar psychological problems. Until the problem is recognized and resolved, they will feel bad together, but they need each other. And they unconsciously create situations in which they can get “what they want,” that is, recognition of themselves as “good.”
5 magical steps
You can help yourself if you and your spouse go through a path consisting of several stages.
1. Awareness. It's sad to lose so many years proving that you good man. Awareness of the situation is the first step to solving the problem. Talk about your feelings, thoughts, experiences. Talk about yourself without blaming each other. Let’s say, “I feel very lonely when I’m standing in the kitchen late at night and there’s a mountain of dirty dishes in the sink.” Or “I’m terribly annoyed by the need to go for a walk with my baby in the evening when I’m already very tired.” If you feel like you are being blamed, say so. Make sure your voice is friendly.
2. Self-acceptance. To overcome the problem, unconditional self-acceptance is necessary. You need to take yourself for granted. The way you accept the sky. Whatever it is, you will never be offended or angry with it. Remember, you are worthy of love, acceptance and care. Give yourself all this. Love and take care of yourself.
3. Acceptance of spouse. By accepting yourself, you can accept your spouse. He is who he is. Unique and amazing. He is a free person and is free to make choices. It is impossible to re-educate him without his desire. You can only accept and love him, or accept and let go... When you accept your spouse, you will look at him with understanding and love. Your look will say: “You are good.” And he, with a high degree of probability, will reciprocate your feelings. You will develop respectful, affectionate relationships. It is important to understand that all of the above also applies to the spouse. There should be reciprocity in a relationship. A husband, having accepted himself, will be able to accept his wife.
5. Support. Praise and support each other. Do nice things for each other, cover each other with care and love.
Sometimes going through these 5 steps on your own can be difficult, and at some point it may even seem impossible. In this case, a family therapist will support you.
In any family, each spouse has their own specific responsibilities, which usually arise somehow automatically.
The woman almost immediately begins to do things, for example, cooking, and the man throws out the trash in the morning. But sometimes the division of these responsibilities does not suit everyone.
Very often the wife begins to feel that there is too much hanging on her and it turns out to be difficult to cope with. At the same time, she expects help from her man, but does not receive it. Because of this, discontent accumulates, which can then develop into a serious scandal.
Why doesn't the husband participate in the household?
Men are absolutely sincerely convinced that they are the head of the family, and their main task is to make money. Therefore, as a rule, they do not pay attention to all other responsibilities that may exist.
The breadwinner comes home and expects everything around him to be sparkling clean and for a delicious dinner to be on the table. At the same time, he does not think about how much effort and time it took his wife to do this.
At first, a woman enjoys caring for her man, and she takes on a mountain of responsibilities to please her chosen one.
This arrangement suits everyone at first, but later it becomes obvious that the wife cannot constantly carry everything on herself and she really wants help from her husband. However, she receives no support.
Much also depends on the model of the family in which the man grew up. If his father never helped his mother in anything, then the man will not do this either, because this was not accepted by his parents.
How to encourage a man to help with housework?
- There is no need to silently expect that one fine day a man will come home from work or get up on a day off and immediately pick up a vacuum cleaner to start cleaning.
- If you need help from your loved one, then you need to talk about it, and not hope that sooner or later he will come to it himself. It won’t come, and this has already been proven by time! And the man is happy with everything. Why should he strive to change anything?
- You need to start the conversation not with hysterics and screams about how tired the woman is and how tired she is of everything, but with a calm explanation. It is necessary to let the chosen one understand why it has become difficult, and what exactly his help is needed.
If the conversation is structured correctly and without pretensions, then the man will not only not resist, but, on the contrary, will happily do it.
After all, the most important thing for him is happiness in the eyes of his beloved woman and her good mood.
One of the common complaints of women and the reasons for family discord is that their husbands do not help them with household chores - the husband comes home from work, declares that he is tired, lies down on the sofa, watches TV or reads the newspaper. And the wife also returns from work and is also tired, but she has to spend the whole evening doing housework.
There are women who, in the first years of married life, do not involve their husbands in housework and begin to demand this only after many years, since before they could easily cope with everything themselves, were young and healthy, but when children appeared, illness and constant fatigue became It is difficult to run the entire household alone.
Let's look at why this situation has arisen. Let's start with the fact that the woman herself chose her life partner. Nobody forced her to do this. Let's leave aside the topic of pregnancy and forced wedding; it requires separate consideration.
If a woman liked her fiancé and decided to marry him, then what happened to him that in marriage he became such a lazy and selfish person?
Why, from the first days of marriage, when the newlyweds are in love with each other and it is much easier for them to come to an agreement, did the young wife not immediately involve her husband in family responsibilities? Even if his mother protected him from helping with housework (and this is also wrong), and he did not know how to do anything, it was not too late to teach him while he was young and not used to lying on the sofa.
Why didn’t they distribute family responsibilities wisely from the very beginning of their married life, so as not to humiliate the man’s dignity? Failed? The husband didn’t want to, but she couldn’t convince him?
In this case, the wife has no one to blame but herself if she does not know how to influence her husband and be that smart “neck that turns the head.” And then even scandals won’t help if time is lost.
Perhaps some women will say that they were young and inexperienced. Some girls get married as early as 17-18 years old. But why were they in such a hurry to get married at such a young age, when they were not yet psychologically prepared for marriage, when the girl still does not know how to behave correctly?
The classic complaint - “husband on the couch in front of the TV” - is just one of the consequences of many problems. And the point is not only that the young wife does not know how to properly build a relationship with her husband and distribute family responsibilities. This is far from the worst thing in family life.
The most important thing that a woman should not forget about and on which the resolution of many family problems depends is the ability to behave with dignity in all situations. You need to respect the interests of your husband, but at the same time you need to behave and behave in such a way that he respects his wife. Only on this basis can you achieve something from your husband.
Constant reproaches and complaints will not achieve anything. You yourself will become irritable and nervous, your husband will become embittered, will take your every request with hostility and will try to be at home less.
First of all, assume that most men are lazy by nature. Not all, of course, but many. Especially the young ones. They grew up with everything ready for them, not knowing their parents refused anything. From childhood, parents tried their best to ensure that their son was “no worse than others”; at the first request, he had and fashionable clothes, and a bicycle, and a motorcycle, and pocket money, and much more.
A loving mother tried to pamper her beloved son with delicious food; he got up from the table, not thinking about who would wash the dishes after him. He took a clean shirt and underwear, without thinking about who washed it all. Many modern mothers do not even teach their daughters to do household chores, and even less so their sons.
Before the wedding, the young man was accustomed to managing his own free time. After classes at school or college, or after work, he went to have fun with friends or girls. “He’s such a lazy person,” one mother-in-law told her daughter-in-law, “he didn’t even want to take out the bucket.” But who raised him to be such a lazy person, if not she herself?! However, her daughter-in-law had to fight and “raise” her husband herself. Now he does most of the housework without any problems, and when his wife is sick, busy or away, all family responsibilities and caring for the children fall on him. He copes with everything quite successfully, and his wife can leave the children with him with a calm soul.
When a modern young man decides to get married, he first of all thinks that family life will give him the opportunity to constantly be with the girl he loves and make love whenever he wants and as much as he wants, and not sometimes and wherever he has to.
The last thing he thinks is that family life, in addition to the rights to love and sex, will be associated with many responsibilities. Mothers raise spoiled sons, therefore, as a rule, most modern young men are lazy, accustomed to an idle lifestyle with everything ready.
If you do not want all this to lead to a family crisis, then it is best to divide family responsibilities between you from the very first days. Of course, your husband will resist and try to avoid all “municipal” matters, but here you must be firm.
Of course, a woman can do a lot herself. But if you take on all the family responsibilities when you are still young and have a lot of strength, energy and enthusiasm, then your husband will take it for granted.
He was not ashamed when he was having fun with a friend or a girl, sitting in front of the TV and watching a sports program, and his mother was doing the cleaning and laundry, and in the same way he would consider it completely normal if you were busy with the housework while he rested , since he is “very tired”, or will go to his friends. The longer this goes on, the more difficult it will be to change anything later.
Our women can learn everything; even without a husband they will be able to remove a blockage in the sink or change a burnt-out light bulb, make minor repairs in the apartment and much more. But the trouble is that they try to solve all the problems themselves, but they don’t know how to raise a good husband.
It is absolutely not necessary to do at home what a man is traditionally expected to do. If you do this yourself, I assure you, he will not be ashamed that you did a “man’s” job for him, he just doesn’t yet know that these are his responsibilities, not yours. And it is you who must convince him of this.
If you free him from all purely male responsibilities, your husband will very quickly get used to such a calm and unburdensome life. You do without his participation, everything works out for you, the house is clean and comfortable, and with a calm soul and an undisturbed conscience, he will sit at the table and eat the dinner that you have prepared for him, push the plate away from him and calmly take the newspaper or sit in front of the TV.
If you manage to make ends meet in your family budget, he won’t even ask you how much money is left until your next salary and whether you have enough for the household. You work hard, you succeed, and your husband is happy and prosperous.
Many men get so used to this peaceful life that they don’t even regard this as a wife’s dignity and the result of her incessant work. Not every husband thinks of praising his wife because the house is cozy and she is a good housewife. He is used to his mother coping with all the housework, and believes that this is not a merit, but a woman’s responsibility.
Moreover, if there are no obvious gaps in the family budget, if the family has enough to live on, then he will not even make any effort to earn more. For what? He has enough for beer and everything else, his wife doesn’t grumble, which means everything is fine. Why deprive yourself of a pleasant vacation and work extra to earn more if everything is fine. The husband believes that if he brings the entire salary to his wife, then he has already fulfilled his duties as the “head of the family.” And everything else is the wife’s responsibility.
In the first years of family life, if there are no children yet, all this may not affect the relationship between the spouses. It is not so difficult for a young woman to buy groceries for two, cook dinner, clean the apartment and do laundry. Some women even like the fact that they do everything themselves and are good at everything.
But everything is up to a certain time. Sooner or later, children will appear, a woman may get sick or be tired of the double workload - both at work and at home - and only then does she begin to make claims to her husband, reproaching him for not helping her in any way, but she also works and is also tired.
But the husband is already accustomed to a calm and carefree life. He doesn’t understand why he should change something in the existing pattern of his life and take on some responsibilities at the expense of his rest. He has never done housework and does not know how much time and effort it requires. He believes that all this is easy, that his wife can cope with these responsibilities on her own, this is “a woman’s job.” He considers it beneath his dignity to do household chores, since it is “not a man’s business.”
And then conflicts arise. It’s already difficult for his wife to carry the “family burden” alone, and he wonders why she used to cope with everything, but now it has become a burden to her. He doesn’t know how much work is spent on this. And it is already very difficult to “re-educate” such a husband and accustom him to housework.
Therefore, a woman needs to “educate” her husband and teach him to be wise from the very first days of family life. In this case, you need to proceed from the fact that, firstly, men are lazy, secondly, even an initially non-lazy husband can be turned into a lazy one if you do everything yourself, and thirdly, even the most complete lazy person can be “re-educated”.
Let's say your husband categorically does not want to do anything around the house, although you have repeatedly asked him to help. He believes that the fact that he works is enough, and household chores should be entirely on the shoulders of his wife, even if she also works. He considers it “beneath his dignity” to engage in “women’s” affairs.
This situation is not hopeless if you do not make a scandal every time your husband refuses to take out the trash can or take the laundry to the laundry. If you ask him every day to do one thing or another, then perhaps he will give in, but he will do everything “under pressure”, as a great favor. You won’t achieve anything by doing this, but you will get on your and your husband’s nerves every time, and this will affect your relationship.
This problem needs to be solved radically. The husband must have a certain range of responsibilities, and not just his agreement to help you when you ask him about it. Immediately specify the range of responsibilities of everyone, for example, you take on everything related to the kitchen, laundry, and minor routine cleaning of the apartment, and all the hard work, including purchasing groceries and participating in general cleaning, is taken on by your husband. Then each of you will be able to plan the time needed to complete these tasks yourself.
If your husband honestly does his share of housework, then don’t “go too far” and don’t demand more from him. You had a specific agreement, he fulfilled his responsibilities, and you handle yours yourself. Don’t bother him if he’s done everything and sat down to rest, asking him to help you with something else. This is no longer according to the rules. If he loves you, then he may meet you halfway, but he will not respect you because you do not keep your word.
Be prepared for the fact that your husband will not like your demand for the distribution of household responsibilities. But be firm and don't give in. There is no need to quarrel and make trouble. In family life, you can achieve a lot without scandals if you behave wisely. Let him know that you will not back down from your demands, and it is in his interests to meet you halfway if he is interested in peace and tranquility in the family. Let him know for sure that if he resists, he can say goodbye to a quiet life. Until you achieve your goal, you “will not get off it.”
What will help you in your determination to achieve your demands is that men value their peace very much. Women in general are more emotional, more unrestrained and more tolerant of quarrels and conflicts, and some women even like to quarrel and thereby assert themselves. Therefore, family scenes are nothing special for them; they are accustomed to such “showdowns.”
Men have a different attitude towards family scenes. They value their spiritual comfort very much, and for them the family scene is not a familiar, but an extreme situation. They react much more violently if their wife dares to disturb their peace of mind.
The woman lost her temper, yelled at her husband, burst into tears, thereby giving vent to her negative emotions, and then quickly calmed down and forgot everything.
And a quarrel takes a man out of his emotional balance and his usual complacent and serene state. Most men remember insults longer than women, even if they don't show it.
They say that modern men have become weak. It is difficult for us to judge, since we have no way to compare them with previous generations. The way older generation evaluates oneself in youth may not be entirely true, since older men and women idealize both past times and themselves in youth. But most likely, there is a considerable amount of truth in this. At least for many young men today. But this is how their fathers and mothers raised them, that is, precisely the same generation that is proud that everything was different for them. A modern women one has to deal with the costs of such upbringing.
But if we accept the thesis about male weakness, then, therefore, even this shortcoming must be used to one’s advantage. A man is weak, and you must show strength and firmness and take advantage of this weakness.
Therefore, the power here is on the woman’s side. It is not necessary to quarrel, but you can firmly make it clear to your husband that if he continues to be stubborn and lazy, then he will not have a calm life. It’s easier for a man to give in than to endure family scenes. Majority modern men tries to follow the path of least resistance and chooses the lesser of two evils.
But it is advisable to carry out all these “educational” measures from the very first days of marriage. Here you have much more advantages, because your husband loves you and has a strong sexual desire. And such a man is much easier to manage. In marriage, the one who is stronger and feels his strength wins.
This does not mean that you should speculate on your husband’s sexual desire, saying that you will give in to him at night if he goes to the store today. Do not under any circumstances simplify your relationship by making sex a “bargaining chip.” There is no need to talk about this at all. Sex is one thing, but family responsibilities are another.
But knowing your strength and power over your husband, you can be more firm and “stubborn” in your demands. A loving newlywed will not be too stubborn when his wife really insists on something. Most likely, he will give in to you, and you will reward him for this by praising him and maintaining your smooth relationship. It is much easier for him to fulfill your demands and see you smiling and grateful, temperamental in bed than to see your dissatisfied and preoccupied face and refusal of intimacy because you are tired.
Most importantly, do not act “in jerks” - sometimes you do everything yourself, otherwise you attack your husband with reproaches and demands to fulfill your household duties. This “educational” work must be carried out daily and systematically, gradually involving the husband in household duties and accustoming him to them. I assure you, he will quickly get used to it if he is interested in peace and quiet in the family, so that you smile at him and love him.
Even if housework is not a burden to you at all, and you enjoy running your household, under no circumstances should you do everything alone. You should involve your husband in family responsibilities, first of all, for “educational” purposes. You teach your husband to be a good husband and you yourself learn to be a smart wife who knows how to manage her husband.
In this case, you will save your family life from future shocks and conflicts. Youth passes and your strength goes away. Then it will be much more difficult for you. And not only physically, but also mentally. No one enjoys washing sinks, toilets, stoves and dishes, doing laundry and cleaning the apartment. In the beginning, when you just got married and feel like a “good wife,” you may like it, but when this routine work lasts for years, everyone gets tired of it and becomes a burden.
Women complain about the burden of household chores not because it is so difficult for them to carry them out, but because this work is monotonous, it must be done day after day, and over time this becomes boring and causes irritation. Any work, if there is no creativity in it, will become boring over time. What can be creative in mopping floors and doing laundry?! It's a chore and a heavy burden, and that's exactly how women feel about it. But they have no other choice, and they are forced to do all this, since no one will do it for them.
And it is precisely this dependence on their duties and their monotony that irritates most married women so much. In fact, there is nothing particularly difficult about homework. Many women understand this very well. But what irritates women most of all is that the husband is completely freed from these responsibilities, and while the wife is running around the house, the husband can rest peacefully, lying on the sofa with a newspaper or sitting in front of the TV, since he is “tired” after a working day . A woman who also works cannot help but be infuriated by this.
But if you teach your husband to help you from a young age, it will be much easier for you. Firstly, you will have fewer responsibilities and, accordingly, more free time, you will be less tired and less irritated, secondly, it will be easier to do any work together, and thirdly, you will not be annoyed that you are washing the floor, and The husband is lying on the sofa with a book at this time, if he has already done his business.
To illustrate this, I will give a clinical example.
Clinical example.
Anastasia K., 50 years old, married for 30 years, eldest son 29 years old, youngest son 25.
Anastasia’s husband held a major post in the former State Committee for Foreign Economic Relations. Anastasia graduated from the Institute of Food Industry, but for most of her life she did not work, since her husband often went on long business trips abroad, she traveled with him, and did not work abroad.
Their family responsibilities were distributed like this. The eldest son's responsibility was to provide food for the family. On weekdays he bought bread, milk and various household items, and on Saturday morning he went to the market and shops and bought food for the whole week.
The youngest son was cleaning the apartment. On Saturday he did general cleaning, and during the week he did general cleaning. He took the laundry to the laundry and picked it up. They took turns washing the dishes with their older brother. Sometimes they jokingly bickered over whose turn it was to wash the dishes, but there were no serious disagreements about this, and there was no strict schedule. Whoever was free washed the dishes.
My husband cooked food on weekends. His signature dish is chicken baked in the oven. He cooked a lot at once, and they lasted for several days. He also cooked borscht for 2-3 days. He prepared semi-finished products - he froze cutlets in the freezer, all three men made dumplings in large quantities and also froze them. In this way they were provided with food for the whole week.
The husband was the first to get up both on weekdays and on weekends and cook scrambled eggs with sausage, toast and tea for the whole family. This was their daily breakfast. The husband did not know any special culinary delights, but all four were unpretentious in food and were accustomed to this routine.
What did Anastasia do? On Saturday morning, she went to the hairdresser for the whole day and got her hair done, which was enough for her for a week. There are also massages, masks, manicures and pedicures. She went to the hairdresser with her friends, it was their kind of “women’s club”, they chatted and shared their problems.
Anastasia came from the hairdresser in the evening, complained that she was tired and went to bed to rest. Everything was already clean at home, her husband had time to cook his traditional chicken by the time she arrived, the whole family had dinner, and then everyone went about their own business. The house is always in perfect order and cleanliness. Although there are three men in the family, there were never dirty men's socks, shirts or other clothes lying around in the apartment. Each man washed his own linen.
How did Anastasia achieve this? Very simple. She came up with the idea that she supposedly had arthritis and her joints hurt, especially her hands, and therefore she couldn’t do anything around the house. She allegedly developed an aggravation from the water, she complained that she had severe pain, and gradually the men completely freed her from laundry, washing the floor and dishes, and other household duties. Her arm joints “pained” so much that she “couldn’t even” wash her hair or curl her hair herself, so she was “forced” to go to the hairdresser.
I knew this woman for many years, I saw perfectly well that she was much healthier than her husband and many other women of her age, she did not have any arthritis, but she played her role flawlessly and even herself eventually believed that she was suffering from arthritis.
All three of her men adored “Mommy” and were proud of her. She looked ten years younger, dressed beautifully and carried herself with great dignity.
On weekdays, coming home from work, she complained of fatigue and weakness and went to rest, and then together with her husband they went for a walk, to the cinema, to the theater or to visit. On Sunday the whole family relaxed and had fun as they wanted.
Anastasia settled into life wonderfully and counted. that this is how it should be. She loved both her sons and her husband, and they loved her too. The word “mommy” is the law for all three. If “mommy” was resting, then all three would walk “on tiptoe” and talk in a whisper.
When the eldest son got married, he behaved the same way with his wife. He adored his wife and literally carried her in his arms. He did everything in the house, his wife only cooked food. They have a wonderful family, a son is growing up. The daughter-in-law loves her mother-in-law, also calls her “mommy” and one day, in a fit of emotion, threw herself on her neck, thanking her for raising her son so well.
The youngest son's family life did not work out. He married early, his wife was 17 years old and pregnant. At first they lived with their mother-in-law, since she had a large apartment, she did not work and could help them take care of the child. Anastasia immediately declared that they should not count on her help. All household chores lay on the shoulders of his mother-in-law, and he quickly got used to it. When he came home from college classes, dinner and a clean apartment were waiting for him. He did not perform any household duties. His parents helped him financially. After classes, he could stay late because he was bored at home, he had many friends, he loved to play football, and he began to drink.
Two years later, parents from both sides jointly bought a separate apartment for the young couple. And then they started having problems. He still came home late, preferring to spend his evenings with friends. The wife grumbled that all the worries were hers. She went to work, the child went to nursery. They began to quarrel often and soon divorced. The son left the apartment to his wife and child and returned to his parents.
But Anastasia quickly put her son in order. She did not swear or reproach him, but almost from the very first days he began to fulfill not only his previous duties around the house, but also the duties of his older brother, who lived separately with his family. He didn’t even argue with “mommy” about this. She also quickly weaned him off drunkenness. The youngest son still lives with them and still adores “Mommy” and obeys her.
From this example it is clear that a man can be “educated” and “spoiled” if his skills are not constantly reinforced.
The best people in this life are women who play the role of weak and defenseless creatures, even if they are not such. A fairly illustrative clinical example is described in the chapter “On femininity and female weakness.” There are women who create the opinion of all people, including their husbands, that they are delicate and fragile creatures, forcing everyone to treat them with care. There are also those who often complain of ill health, weakness and malaise.
S. Maugham has a story “Louise”. He describes a woman who told everyone she had a serious heart condition. Both her husbands and her daughter were convinced of this. Everyone was very protective of her, because they believed that from the slightest excitement her heart would not stand it and she would die. Louise outlived three husbands, buried all three and lived like that, protected by everyone. When her daughter decided to get married, she also moaned that she would not survive if her daughter left her. In the end, she did die, but she was already at such an age that it was quite natural.
I know many women with imaginary illnesses who are also very well settled in their family lives. The husband has no choice but to take on the main problems himself. And such women live happily, and all their friends envy them what kind of life they have good husband how he takes care of his wife, and what a good relationship they have.
A woman's weakness is a great strength if used wisely. Even little feminine tricks are suitable for this, if they are beneficial family relations. And in such families, relationships are quite harmonious - the husband not only earns money, but also fulfills most of the family responsibilities, and at the same time adores his “weak” and fragile wife. Anastasia from the above clinical example is also one of these women. And as you saw, this did not harm anyone, on the contrary, they have complete harmony in their family, and she raised good, caring and hardworking sons. And the husband, being the “big boss,” sees nothing wrong with busying himself in the kitchen in an apron.
And those women who carry the entire family cart most often grow old early and often get sick, including neuroses, depression and other mental illnesses.
But a woman should be reasonable in her demands and not overdo it. Unfortunately, not all women know how to maintain a sense of proportion and sometimes humiliate a man, taking advantage of their power over him.
Clinical example.
Once I was visiting a young couple. Beautiful wife, loving husband, who both earned money and helped his wife around the house.
Suddenly, in the middle of our conversation, a young woman in a capricious tone tells her husband to immediately wash the clothes, which have been soaked in the bathroom for the second day, since she needs to take a shower in the evening, and the bath is occupied. The husband winced, but did not move from his place. She once again repeated her demand. He silently stood up and went out, not into the bathroom, but into another room and turned on the TV there.
I felt embarrassed for the husband of this woman who humiliated him so much in front of a stranger, obviously wanting to show me what a good husband she has and how he obeys her. It didn’t even occur to her to apologize either to me or to her husband for her tactlessness. She pursed her lips in displeasure and continued chatting as if nothing had happened. I was not at all surprised to learn that they soon divorced.
Many wives manage to get their “spoiled” husband to start helping them even after 5-10 years of married life.
I’ll tell you about the extreme measures with which one of these women managed to achieve this.
Clinical example.
Irina Z. 35 years old, married for 13 years. Higher education. Philologist by profession. Works as a commercial director in a company. My husband is a programmer by profession and is 39 years old. Two children, 11 and 5 years old.
Family relationships have always been smooth. Irina is calm, flexible, and hardworking by nature, but in some matters she can be firm and stubbornly defend her opinion, both at work and at home.
When Irina switched to work from a government agency to a commercial company, the work began to take up a lot of her time and effort.
She tried to ask her husband to take on some responsibilities around the house, in particular, taking her youngest son to school. kindergarten and pick him up, since she had to take time off from work every time in order to pick up the child on time, and management did not approve of this. Irina asked her husband to take on the responsibility of purchasing groceries, since she came home from work late and many stores were already closed.
But the husband did not agree, saying that he was also tired, and let her move to another job, since it was so hard for her.
Irina was unable to convince her husband with any persuasion; he only became angry and declared that before she had coped with everything on her own, let her continue to cope on her own. They quarreled several times, but the situation did not change.
Irina decided to take a different path. She did not quarrel with her husband, was outwardly even and calm, but completely stopped performing any duties to serve her husband.
She prepared food only for herself and the children, and only as much as they ate, leaving nothing behind. I bought food only for preparing hot dishes, and excluded all sausages, cheeses and other foods that could be snacked on. When my husband arrived, the refrigerator and pots were empty, all the dishes had been washed.
When her husband declared that he was hungry and was indignant at why dinner was not ready for his arrival, she calmly replied: “Cook it for yourself.” The husband, of course, didn’t cook, because he didn’t know how to do anything, and tried to make a fuss about it.
Irina did not react in any way to her husband’s reproaches, calmly saying that he did not take her requests into account when she asked him to help. And now she regards his words as requests, but she also intends to ignore them, just as he did her previous requests for help.
She didn’t take money from him, even when he tried to offer it to her, saying that her salary was enough for food for her and the children.
The husband got angry and went “on principle” - he began to buy something for a quick snack, boiled eggs or cooked scrambled eggs. Irina did not wash a single plate or cup for him; they all stood where he left them. I only washed dishes after myself and the children.
She also did some of the housework - she cleaned the children's room, collected and hung her and the children's clothes in the closet. Her husband's clothes, as always, were scattered throughout the house, but she stopped collecting them as she had done before. His dirty shirts were piling up on the chairs, his socks, sweaters, trousers and other clothes were lying around, but she didn’t touch anything.
I also only washed my own and the children’s underwear. When her husband once plaintively said that he didn’t have a single clean shirt left, and he had nothing to wear to work, she just as calmly said: “Wash and iron it yourself.”
Irina did not succumb to his pleading looks and pitiful tone. She “kept a pause” and was confident that she would achieve her goal.
But the husband was stubborn and did not want to give in to her. He tried to wash his shirts himself, but it didn’t work out well for him, since he had never done his own laundry before. And he certainly didn’t know how to iron.
Therefore, he had to go to work in the suit that he fished out from a heap of scattered things, and his appearance was significantly different from before, when he took out the same suit, but ironed by his wife, from the closet.
In the bedroom, the bed of the husband and Irina stood next to each other. She made her bed, but did not touch his bed, and her husband's bed remained unmade for days on end. Their bedroom, compared to the rest of the apartment, was completely cluttered, which had never been seen before.
Irina also changed bed linen only for herself and the children. My husband had never changed a single duvet cover or pillowcase before, and he had to learn this at the age of 39.
After two weeks, he could not stand it and tried to “go to peace”, agreeing to fulfill some of his wife’s requests.
But Irina did not give in, deciding to achieve complete victory once and for all. She said that she was not going to beg him every time to fulfill her request, which he would regard as a great favor. Let him learn to do everything himself, and let him find out from his own experience how much time and effort everyday household work, seemingly so inconspicuous, takes.
The husband held out for another 2 months, but during this time he really learned a lot - he cooked the simplest food, washed the dishes after himself, made the bed and changed the bed linen, washed his own linen, since he had no other choice. He even learned to hang his suit in the closet when he came home from work, something his wife unsuccessfully tried to teach him to do during the thirteen years of their marriage.
More than once he tried to start a scandal, but he failed to shake her calmness and confidence in his rightness.
The wife explained to him in an even voice that the marriage certificate did not say that she should be a “nanny” for her husband. It’s enough that all the worries about the children are on her shoulders, and the third “adult child on her neck”, for whom she needs to clean up, do the laundry, wash the dishes and prepare food for him, is no longer something she can do.
Irina explained to her husband that the minimal duties that he had to perform himself constituted only a tiny part of everyday household chores.
She convinced him that she could cope without him, even financially. His salary began to not be enough for him, and he “intercepted” until the next salary from friends, since he did not know how to save, and bought expensive ham, sausages and semi-finished products, gave his shirts to be washed at an expensive laundromat, and when he did not have a clean underwear or socks - was forced to buy new ones.
Since then they have had no problems. The husband learned a lot and became involved in family responsibilities. It turned out that it was not difficult at all, and it was not worth struggling for so much time. Now Irina can safely leave her children with her husband and go on a business trip or vacation. The eldest daughter always helped her around the house as best she could, and she also helps her father.
Perhaps you won’t need such extreme measures as Irina used, and you will be able to convince your husband in other ways.
There are families where the husband washes all the laundry in the kitchen without any problems. washing machine- it’s not at all difficult, in modern models you just need to press a few buttons. And he hangs it up, because it’s heavy. And the wife is stroking. Cleaning is also done in half, on one of the days off - the wife cleans the kitchen, bathroom and toilet, and the husband vacuums and collects the toys and books scattered by the children. Is it so difficult to dedicate one day a week to cleaning? The husband takes the children in the morning and the wife takes them, since she finishes work earlier. Both work with the children when one of them is free. The wife usually cooks, but the husband can feed the children by cooking porridge, eggs or scrambled eggs for them. In the morning it is not at all difficult for him to prepare breakfast for the whole family. If you don’t have time, just pour milk over corn flakes - the fastest and most high-calorie breakfast for children. Groceries are also purchased together - the wife writes a list of what her husband should buy, and she buys the rest.
Many wives are not offended by their husband that he does not help them with the housework, but do an excellent job of it themselves if the husband works hard, earns well and really needs rest. They quite rightly believe that this distribution of family responsibilities is quite reasonable - the husband earns a lot, and the wife runs the household.
Women who overestimate their independence get used to doing everything themselves, without counting on their husband and without resorting to his help. And look where it ultimately led? Our women are always preoccupied, tired, tormented by their problems, they are always in a hurry, loaded with bags, detachment on their faces, dull eyes.
The most important thing is that you don’t need to feel sorry for your husband and protect him. Nothing bad will happen to him if he works hard, earns good money and takes on some of the economic problems. Women cope with double workload - professional and family, therefore, men can cope too.
Pay less attention to your husband’s complaints about fatigue, Bad mood and poor health. You get tired too. And life is so complicated now that it’s difficult for everyone. Why should it be harder for him than for you?
Of course, this does not mean serious problems with the husband’s work or health. In these cases, he certainly needs your encouragement and sympathy. Share his problems with him, if it is really serious, console him and prove that you are not only a wife, but also a friend in whom he will always find support and understanding.
But if this is just ordinary whining because he is too lazy, inert and weak, and therefore unable to withstand today’s difficult life and adapt to it, then there is no need to indulge him in this. Don't forget to remind him that he is a man and the head of the family, and his responsibilities are not limited to bed.
Women are sometimes to blame for allowing their husbands to become lazy. They believe that they can handle everything themselves and thereby deprive their husband of the opportunity to show his masculine qualities.
There is no need to demonstrate your strength and independence to a man. This will not lead to anything good. Overly independent and emancipated women themselves primarily suffer from their own character.
Even if you consider yourself strong woman, this should not be shown to a man. Your strength will be useful to you in difficult situations, and each of our women has a lot of them. Save your strength for your children and your entire future life. And give your husband the opportunity to show his capabilities and prove in practice that he is a man. Leave your husband his male responsibilities and don’t try to do everything yourself.
What is a woman's happiness? First of all, in her children, and also in being attractive and loved. If you spare your husband and overload yourself, then you will lose all this - you will have problems with your children, and you will lose your attractiveness, and you will lose your husband’s love if you work “from dawn to dusk.” Do not hope that your husband will appreciate your work and be grateful to you for it. Most likely, he will take it for granted.
If you don’t feel sorry for yourself, then no one will feel sorry for you. And you need to maintain your health and peace of mind, so that your children have the opportunity to see you as often as possible, so that you are cheerful and cheerful, so that the children feel your love and care, which they so need.
So your health is the key to the health of your children. If you compromise your health, no one can replace you for your children.
Your main task is to pay more attention to your children and raise them healthy both physically and mentally. This is precisely the biological and social role of a woman, and not at all to earn a living for herself and her children if her husband is not capable of this.
Do not take care of the material well-being of your family. These are the husband's responsibilities if he normal man and wants to be considered the head of the family. Let your husband work more than you, let the concern about earning a lot rest with him.
Your earnings should be enough for your own small needs, so as not to depend on your husband for small things and not ask him for money for a new pair of tights. All other material benefits for the whole family should be provided by the husband.
Unfortunately, many of our women do not understand this. If the husband is passive and lazy and does not want to earn money, then women work more than their husbands to feed their children, and sometimes him. They complain about their husband, reproach him, and then give up on him and earn money themselves. They say that the husband does not know how or does not want to work. But even the incapable can be taught if you really want to.
However, in modern conditions it often happens that a woman does not know how to convince her husband and earns money herself, without giving her husband a chance to prove himself.
Clinical example.
One married couple bought a car because they needed it for work - they created their own company and had to go to many places during the day. Both took auto courses.
Things were going badly for the wife; she was absolutely unable to drive a car, although she was a strong and energetic woman. But while driving, she thought about her hard work, was absent-minded, and one day during class she had an accident. After that, she abandoned her intention to drive the car herself.
The husband continued to study. The woman took a driver, because without a car she did not have time to do all the things. They went to work with their husband; they had a lot of work and little time.
Of course, driving with a driver is more convenient, but learning is difficult. And over time, the husband abandoned his studies, and his wife did not insist that he get a license and drive a car.
They had a lot of problems with the driver, and later the wife began to reproach her husband that he himself had never learned to drive a car.
They had the same thing in their work. The wife is sociable, sociable, knows how to negotiate with people, and their commercial activity was connected with many people with whom it was necessary to solve many problems. She was better at it than her husband, so she preferred to negotiate with the right people herself.
Over time, she had to take on all the organizational responsibilities and financial calculations, instead of involving her husband in this and teaching him everything that she had to learn herself. The husband is a talented, hardworking, very committed and responsible person, and he could do many things no worse, and perhaps even better, than his wife.
But she was used to dominating and completely suppressed his initiative. Not consciously, of course, she loved her husband very much and it seemed to her that by doing this she was saving him from many problems, since he was a doubtful person, a little indecisive, uncommunicative, and it was more difficult for him to establish business contacts. She is more determined and persistent. Therefore, she did not want her husband to have “complexes” if he did not cope with the matter.
She preferred to do everything herself, since she really did everything better than her husband. Both understood this. When she tried to involve him in organizational matters, he said that he couldn’t, it was better for her to negotiate on her own, otherwise he would screw up the matter, and then she would “nag” him.
This was not difficult for her, and after a few years all the leadership and organizational work lay on her shoulders, and her husband carried out only her specific instructions and technical work. Although in his time he could well have learned everything no worse than his wife. At least he could replace her in her absence. She removed him from solving all the problems, and he was not even aware of all the matters, since he could not immediately grasp many of the nuances and remember everything.
But life showed how wrong this woman was. Overload and high mental stress did not pass without a trace for her. She became seriously ill, her husband spent all his time next to his sick wife, since he also loved her very much and was worried about her, he had no time for work, the company was left unattended, they suffered losses, a lot was stolen, and their company went bankrupt.
And which of them is more to blame? Of course, the husband followed the path of least resistance and greatest convenience for himself. His wife knew his character very well, but did not insist. Why blame her husband now, since she didn’t give him a chance to prove himself?
If the husband does not want to work and earn a decent living, the woman needs to find convincing arguments to convince him, and not work for two. If he doesn’t know how, then it’s never too late to learn. After all, women know how to adapt to a new life and learn a lot. Why do they think that a man cannot do this? He can if he has no other choice and his wife does not work for him.
For many years in our country the opinion has been cultivated that women and men are socially equal, that is, they have an equal right to work. At the same time, our compatriots in films, sculptures, paintings and posters were certainly depicted in the process of labor or with tools in their hands - a woman with a sickle, a woman at a machine, a woman at the “construction sites of the century”, a woman - a shock worker of communist labor. All this propaganda has nothing to do with real equality. Rather, it can be regarded as the brutal exploitation of women on a state scale to the detriment of her physical and mental health and her biological role.
I am for equality, but not for something where women are forced to replace men, take on “male” responsibilities and work hard jobs. And our “equality” is expressed precisely in this. The chapter on feminism shows that such “emancipation” did not lead to anything good, but on the contrary, caused a lot of harm to women. Attempts to equalize the rights of men and women gave women the “right” to work in many difficult jobs, but did not bring them any real rights.
There is an opinion that our women are more adapted to life and can do more than men - “she can stop a galloping horse or enter a burning hut.” Yes, this is true, but this is not from a good life. In extreme situations, a woman has no choice. But why should a woman “stop a galloping horse” if a man should do it? What role is destined for our men if our women do everything for them, including what should be purely male responsibilities? Don’t women themselves raise such lazy people and opportunists, don’t they pamper and cherish their husbands too much, protecting them from all the hardships of life?
Sometimes women themselves protect their peace of mind and therefore follow the path of least resistance. They try to somehow change the situation, but they are convinced that the husband is not enthusiastic, and they decide that arguing and persuading him is more expensive for themselves, it is still useless, and they abandon their attempts to force the husband to work. And then they themselves suffer from it.
And sooner or later the thought occurs to them, why do they need such a husband who sits on their neck; they need to not only feed him, but also serve him, and besides, tolerate his character and fulfill their “marital duty” in bed.
This is the basis for quarrels and divorces. But in fact, this is largely the fault of women themselves. It is their excessive initiative and desire to take on purely male responsibilities that leads to men becoming lazy and “drones.”
Therefore, to prevent this from happening, it is better to prevent such an undesirable course of events from the very beginning. Don’t cultivate male laziness, don’t follow your husband’s lead, but force him to work.
If the husband earns so well that the family will not have financial problems, then the woman can come to terms with the fact that he does not help her with the housework. She will have the opportunity to work not full time or not every day, and she will cope with household chores herself.
However, nothing bad will happen to him if he helps his wife with housework. After all, most of our women cope with both stressful work and their household responsibilities. Why shouldn't men combine both?
I repeat once again that there is no need to feel sorry for men and protect them from excessive stress. If such a double load is within the capabilities of a woman, then it should even more so be within the capabilities of a man.
The more a man works, the more it benefits him. Firstly, this gives him confidence that he is the main “breadwinner” in the family, which is important for his self-respect and for his wife to respect and appreciate him, and their relationship will only benefit from this, and secondly, he will not have time for drinking and mistresses. And the fact that he will get tired is also nothing to worry about if he is healthy. And you encourage him, praise him and give him even more self-confidence so that he wants to work even harder for the benefit of your family.
Although the days of Stepford wives are long gone, many men still think that household chores are exclusively a woman’s responsibility. But they forget that not only they, but also their wives bring the “mammoth” into the family.
You and your husband both work all day, but when you come home, he lies down on the sofa in front of the TV, and you have to do a bunch of different household chores - cook dinner, wash the dishes, throw laundry in the washing machine, help the children with their homework.
To your requests for help with household chores, your spouse replies “I was actually working,” “I’m tired,” “Well, you’re a woman, cook it yourself,” and other “excuses.” In the end, you have to do everything yourself, although you are no less tired than your spouse.
There is no need to tolerate such behavior - in modern families, spouses distribute household responsibilities among themselves. Activities with children, grocery shopping and household goods, cleaning and cooking - absolutely everything is divided in half. If a man takes out the trash twice a month and sometimes buys groceries on the way home, and all the rest of the housework falls on you, then this cannot be considered a fair distribution of responsibilities.
The only option when you can take on all the worries about the house is that you do not work, and your husband fully provides your family with money. Then household chores are your job.
There may be several reasons why a spouse categorically avoids any housework:
- Banal laziness - a man is lazy and tries to evade any activity in all areas of life. Instead of cleaning, he would rather sit in front of the TV, because his wife will eventually not be able to stand it and will do everything herself.
- Fatigue - he works hard all day at work and only crawls home to sleep. He has neither the strength nor the time for household chores. IN in this case there is some bonus - such workaholics, as a rule, earn good money.
- Infantility - a man is simply not used to following clean clothes and dishes, despite the presence of food in the refrigerator, he does not even know how to iron correctly. He most likely lived for a long time with his mother, who did everything for him, and then “moved” to his wife and expects the same behavior from her.
- Mismanagement - he simply does not notice the disorder in the house, he is fine as is.
- Contempt for " women's work“- he is convinced that the wife should take all the care of the house onto her shoulders - “after all, you are a woman, this is what you do.” He considers household chores primitive and unworthy of a man.
- There is no point, because the wife will be unhappy that he did something wrong - he didn’t wash the floors well enough, cooked the borscht tastelessly, and so on. After numerous nagging, the spouse simply does not see the point in doing anything.
Men often hide behind the phrases “I’ll do it later,” “well, I’m helping you,” “yes, my dear, I’ll do it now,” and simply wait for the woman to break down and solve the economic problem herself. At the heart of this lies the usual trick - after all, he knows that the problem can be solved without his participation.
To get your husband’s “doing nothing” off the ground, you need to try:
- Explain clearly and in detail to your spouse what you want him to do—for example, for him to fix the faucet or cook dinner on Thursdays while you pick up the kids from school. Get your husband to tell you the exact date and time for completing his task.
- Distribute responsibilities equally - for example, you cook and your husband washes the dishes, you take the children to school and he picks them up in the evening, he washes things and you iron them, and so on. Agree on who is more comfortable doing certain chores.
- Praise for work done - men, like children, need affection and recognition of their merits. Therefore, praise him even for small chores around the house - and then he will want to do something else.
- Explain why the two of you need to participate in economic life - that you don’t have time and are very tired, and who needs a tired, sad wife? That's right, no one. This means that in order to see your smile, he needs to manage a little.
- Stimulate with a reward - for each “feat” the man will receive his own reward: for a repaired faucet - a favorite dish, for a cleaned apartment - fishing with friends, and so on.
What not to do
In teaching your husband to do housework, the main thing is not to go too far. Here are some tips on what not to do:
- do not shout or swear - always calmly explain your position, preferably with humor or a smile;
- do not impose work that he does not like - if you see that he does not like to wash dishes, then replace it with something more pleasant;
- do not load it immediately as soon as he comes home from work - give him a little rest after a hard day;
- do not blame him for doing something wrong - on the contrary, unobtrusively help him or do something together so that he understands how to do it next time.
Extreme measures
In especially difficult cases, when your husband continues to ignore your requests for help, you can resort to an ultimatum. If he won't do anything around the house, then neither will you. Stop cooking for him, washing, cleaning, do only what you need: cook for one person, wash only your own things, and so on.
Another option is to tell your husband that if he does not want to help with the housework, then you will have to hire a maid. And you will pay her from your husband’s funds. Material expenses should make a man move.
Family well-being is the fruit of the efforts of two people: both the wife and the husband. Carry everything everyday problems and responsibilities means dooming yourself to endless fatigue. You need to not be shy and tell your spouse that it’s hard for you to cope with everything alone, and resolve everyday disagreements together.
