Why do people scream? Why do people shout when they quarrel? When people argue their hearts move away

Why do people shout when they quarrel?
Modern parable.

Once a wise Teacher asked his students: “Do you know why people scream when they quarrel?”

One of the students replied: “People scream because they lose their calm.”

“But why should you shout, because the other person is next to you?” - asked the Teacher - “Isn’t it possible to speak quietly? Why yell at another person if you're angry?

The students offered their own answers, but none of them satisfied the Teacher. Finally he explained:

“When people are dissatisfied with each other and quarrel, their hearts grow distant. In order to cover this distance and hear each other, they have to shout. The more angry they become, the greater the distance between their hearts becomes, and the louder they scream.

What happens to people when they fall in love? They do not scream, but on the contrary, they speak quietly. This happens because the hearts of lovers are very close to each other - the distance between them is very small.”

“And when people fall even more in love, what happens?” - continued the Teacher - “Lovers do not speak, but only quietly whisper, and become even closer in their love.

Later, they don’t even need to whisper. They just look at each other and understand each other perfectly without words. This always happens when two people are nearby loving friend people's friend.

So, when you argue, do not allow your hearts to move away from each other, do not utter words that further increase the distance between you. Because a day may come when the distance becomes so great that you will not be able to find your way back.”

Building a relationship with a partner can be difficult. But who can do this for you if not you?

Sent by: Valeria

Why do people scream? Well, of course - from pain, in a situation of danger, sometimes from delight and joy... but that’s not what I’m talking about. Why do people yell at their children, wives, husbands, parents, subordinates, colleagues, passengers and drivers, sellers and customers?..

The first reaction seems obvious - everyone screams for their own reasons, of which there can be an insane variety. But still, what are these reasons that force us to offend close and not so close people, to “lose face” by lashing out at colleagues or complete strangers?

A person screams when he is dissatisfied with himself

Many years ago I read the phrase: “A person screams when he is dissatisfied with himself.” The phrase stuck in my brain and radically changed my attitude towards screaming as such.

If you look at it, what can make you scream, for example, at a child? Lessons unlearned? Unwashed dishes? Incorrect communication with adults or disobedience? But excuse me, weren’t you the one who raised this child from the first days of his life?! You, it was you who did not teach him diligence, understanding, hard work, and did not instill politeness and respect in the child. Genetics? Well, excuse me, then either you yourself carry these shortcomings and then there is nothing to be surprised at, or, again, you chose the child’s parents (father or mother) as a carrier of vicious genes... What does the child have to do with it?

Or, let's take subordinates for example. Failed to prepare a report, can’t cope with the assigned work, is he being insolent? Dumb, lazy, liar? Wait a minute, weren't you the one who hired him? This means that either you failed to adequately assess the employee’s competencies when hiring him, or, which, in my opinion, is worse, you were afraid to hire a competent employee because of your unwillingness to adequately pay competent work or for fear of being scammed... So what now “come out with foam”? It is much more honest to admit your mistake and fire, or, on the contrary, if the situation is not hopeless, to help, teach, educate.

Don't you like your colleagues, work, bosses? Excuse me, weren't you the one who chose this job? And also a supermarket for making purchases, a foreman for renovating your own apartment... Most likely, you bought the kitten that peed in your shoes, you didn’t find the time to raise it, and, by the way, you didn’t hide the shoes yourself... Yes, in general -and your soul mate was most likely not chosen by your neighbors...

Aware of the above

Realizing the above, I have been trying not to scream for several years now. It would be untrue to say that it always works out, but every time the phrase “a person screams when he is dissatisfied with himself” flashes in my brain, and I understand the uselessness and incorrectness of such behavior. Sometimes I feel ashamed of my behavior, sometimes I scold myself for lack of restraint and “loss of face,” but time after time I am convinced that screaming is an admission of my own weakness and mistakes.

Can I give you any advice? I think I can, but it’s your right to take my advice or not. If you are being shouted at, try to understand why in this case this happens, what exactly makes the screamer raise his voice here and now, in relation to you or your loved ones. Don't be angry, don't be offended, don't shout back. Your opponent is overwhelmed with emotions, perhaps he does not even understand that in 99% of cases it is only his fault that now he needs to “let off steam” in this way. Not answering a cry is not weakness, but strength. I can’t imagine a smart, strong and confident person screaming. Be wiser.

And yet - shout

And yet - shout! Shout with joy and wild delight. Scream as you sled down a snow-covered mountain, scream from the cold spray as you run into the not-yet-warmed-up sea. Scream as you cross the threshold of a mountain river, scream as you descend by parachute. Shout with joy when you meet friends whom you haven’t seen for a long time for various reasons. Scream from the tickling caused by the rough tongue of a puppy that is madly happy with you. Scream with happiness when you hear your baby's first word. Women - scream during childbirth, men - scream under the windows of maternity hospitals. Shout for love!

Live in harmony with yourself and be happy.

Alena Storchak
Based on materials

PARABLE Once the Teacher asked his students: Why when people quarrel do they shout? Because they lose their calm, said one. But why shout if the other person is next to you? - asked the Teacher. - Can't you talk to him quietly? Why shout if you're angry? The students offered their answers, but none of them satisfied the Teacher. Finally he explained: When people are unhappy with each other and quarrel, their hearts grow apart. In order to cover this distance and hear each other, they have to shout. The angrier they get, the louder they scream. What happens when people fall in love? They do not shout, on the contrary, they speak quietly. Because their hearts are very close, and the distance between them is very small. And when they fall in love even more, what happens? - continued the Teacher. - They don’t speak, but only whisper and become even closer in their love. In the end, they don’t even need to whisper. They just look at each other and understand everything without words. This happens when two loving people are nearby. So, when you argue, do not allow your hearts to move away from each other, do not utter words that further increase the distance between you. Because a day may come when the distance becomes so great that you will not find your way back...

For some reason, it seems to some of us that a modern person does not need to bother himself with rules of behavior - it is more useful to shout and be rude. Showing themselves in all their glory, people rarely think that they are systematically destroying their relationships and losing the trust and respect of their partner. Others would be happy to restrain their emotions - but nothing comes of it. What lies at the heart of noisy family quarrels, and how to stop provoking them?

Reasons to scream

What might such a violent reaction indicate in a showdown? Speaking in general - about the ill health of our nervous system. Incontinence is an indicator of its instability and danger for the whole organism as a whole. After all, as you know, all diseases come from nerves. If we often shout (it doesn’t matter at whom - at loved ones, children, relatives or colleagues), then we provoke the development of stomach ulcers, cardiovascular diseases, asthma, diabetes and other troubles.

However, raising your voice is just a natural instinct and proof to the enemy of your own power. Who hasn’t heard the lion’s roar, for which this lazy henpecked guy was nevertheless nicknamed “the king of beasts”? In a dispute, people begin to shout in order to impose their opinion on another and thereby suppress the opponent’s objections. The reasons for such quarrels lie in the plane, which is exclusively concerned with itself and is completely unable to take into account the interests and needs of other people.

But the desire to “take the upper hand by the throat” does not always indicate the absence of other arguments. Sometimes people scream only out of helplessness and inner fear - they are afraid that they will not be heard. They, as a rule, are overly irritable and angry over any trifle - but this is because something is going wrong in their life, and dissatisfaction with other people most often hides dissatisfaction with their own situation.

The cry also characterizes the level of human development. It is not for nothing that Schopenhauer once remarked: “The level of noise that a person can endure is inversely proportional to his intelligence.” And in our everyday culture it is literally ingrained in us to shout: at school and university, on the street and in transport, in the store and in the offices of officials... Aggression and tactlessness are ingrained in us as the norm of behavior - and we involuntarily begin to shout ourselves.

The tension and strength of aggressive reactions are especially intensified when we ourselves have to deal with the inappropriate behavior of others. An overly active lifestyle and the flow of negativity coming from the media also contribute to irritability and internal tension.

How to stop screaming?

To begin, simply admit that you are irritated and angry, and this does not bring any benefit to you or the problem situation. Acknowledgment is the first step to regulating your emotions.

Unexpressed negativity accumulates and often pours out on completely innocent people, often in a form more severe than the very reason for such manifestation. Therefore, you need to learn to react to an irritating factor as soon as it makes you angry, but...

Stop watching and reading news about various disasters, incidents, etc. This news will continue until people no longer need it. As long as we are interested in reading about the bad, we will support this flow of negativity with the power of our energy. Think about all the good things in your life.

When you feel like you're about to explode, think about your health - and the health of your relationships with loved ones. There is this joke about a quarrel between lovers:
He: - Take the glass and drop it.
She: - It crashed... so what?
He: - Now ask for forgiveness and see if he becomes whole again...

It didn't work and you still lost your temper? Then admire yourself in the mirror - do you want other people to remember this reddened, distorted, crazy face for a long time? Is it possible to feel something good about such a spectacle?

If you don’t scream, but only listen to hysterics, try to do three important things. Firstly, do not take everything said personally - remember that the “attacker” himself does not realize the real reason for the scream and has lost control of himself. Do not be fooled by provocations: as Goethe said, “of two quarrels, the one who is smarter is more to blame.” Better yet, give your interlocutor time to cool down - the conversation will still not be constructive. As an option, record what is happening on a dictaphone and then listen together with the “screamer” (let him feel funny or ashamed of his “logic” at the moment of passion).

Secondly, when the dust settles a little, help your loved one understand himself and deal with the reasons for the emotional outburst - maybe he just needs a good night's sleep, or to feel needed and loved?

Thirdly, do not forget: there is no smoke without fire. You need to isolate fair claims against you from the stream of your partner’s emotions and start working on them - in a word, look for a compromise. It’s much easier not to forget anything if you do use a voice recorder.

And finally, tell your loud-mouthed partner this parable:

Once the Teacher asked his students:
- Why, when people quarrel, do they shout?
“Because they are losing their calm,” said one.
- But why shout if the other person is next to you? Can't you talk to him quietly? Why shout if you're angry? - asked the Teacher.
The students offered their answers, but none of them satisfied the Teacher. Finally he explained:
- When people are unhappy with each other and quarrel, their hearts move away. In order to cover this distance and hear each other, they have to shout. The angrier they get, the louder they scream. And when people fall in love, they don’t scream, on the contrary, they speak quietly. Because their hearts are very close, and the distance between them is very small. When they fall even more in love, they only whisper. In the end, they don’t even need this - they just look at each other and understand everything without words...
So, when you argue, do not let your hearts move away from each other. Don't say words that further increase the distance between you. Because a day may come when the distance becomes so great that you will not find your way back.

Why do people shout when they quarrel?
Modern parable.

Once a wise Teacher asked his students: “Do you know why people scream when they quarrel?”

One of the students replied: “People scream because they lose their calm.”

“But why should you shout, because the other person is next to you?” - asked the Teacher - “Isn’t it possible to speak quietly? Why yell at another person if you're angry?

The students offered their own answers, but none of them satisfied the Teacher. Finally he explained:

“When people are dissatisfied with each other and quarrel, their hearts grow distant. In order to cover this distance and hear each other, they have to shout. The more angry they become, the greater the distance between their hearts becomes, and the louder they scream.

What happens to people when they fall in love? They do not scream, but on the contrary, they speak quietly. This happens because the hearts of lovers are very close to each other - the distance between them is very small.”

“And when people fall even more in love, what happens?” - continued the Teacher - “Lovers do not speak, but only quietly whisper, and become even closer in their love.

Later, they don’t even need to whisper. They just look at each other and understand each other perfectly without words. This always happens when two people who love each other are nearby.

So, when you argue, do not allow your hearts to move away from each other, do not utter words that further increase the distance between you. Because a day may come when the distance becomes so great that you will not be able to find your way back.”

Building a relationship with a partner can be difficult. But who can do this for you if not you?

Sent by: Valeria

There is not a single couple in the world who has not quarreled at least once. Everyone quarrels: parents among themselves, parents with children, relatives, friends, loved ones, colleagues, children and adults, young and old, men and women, and even lovers. Conflicts arise for a variety of reasons - from completely seemingly innocent ones to truly serious ones. To avoid such troubles, you need to try very hard, since there are many reasons for them. And it’s worth starting with finding out why people quarrel and conflict with each other. Knowing this information will definitely help you avoid disagreements and misunderstandings with your important people. After all, even appropriate behavior during a quarrel or immediately after can radically affect the outcome of the conflict.

The main reasons for quarrels

Why do people quarrel so often?

People quarrel due to lack of attention and help

Quarrels most often arise due to the fact that people feel that they are being ignored, are not valued and do not want to be heard and understood. When they feel bad, it’s hard, they’re tired and exhausted, when they need support so much, but they still can’t get it, they sincerely don’t understand why those around them don’t notice how difficult it is for them to cope alone. what has befallen them and it doesn’t matter that for some this is not a problem. This is a problem for them and they want to be understood and heard.

It often happens that they themselves do not ask for sympathy or help, believing that it is easy to guess about it just by looking at them. When this does not happen, conflicts may break out that have nothing to do with what is happening at all. Any reason, the most insignificant, can be the last straw. But the basis of the quarrel will be precisely this hidden resentment, that no one notices how hard it is for a person, no one rushes to help.

The one they yell at or make a complaint at may not even understand what he did that was so terrible, what caused such a conflict, and the result is a quarrel. Therefore, in order for people not to quarrel, it is important to be able to talk about what worries, offends, excites, and do not hesitate to ask for support right away. Who else but the one who loves and is nearby will provide it. After all, you don’t have to do anything to do this.

For many women, sympathy and words are enough to understand how difficult it is for her now. True, men are accustomed to responding to complaints by taking actions that they think should help. It is difficult for them to do nothing, and women are sometimes unable to understand this and are offended that instead of words of support, he is going to go and put the boss who offended her in his place. And a quarrel already arises, because the woman did not say what exactly she needs from the man, and he does not understand why all his offers for specific help are rejected, and she again gets upset.

People often fight if there is no love

Where love has faded away, or it never existed at all, if one of the partners tries to say or ask for something, they do not understand him or her and do not want to realize how important it is for him or her to be heard. It is not surprising when such indifference hurts. Anyone who does not find time for loved ones, brushes aside their requests, words, suggestions, or tries to calm them down with some general phrases, instead of taking them by the hand and saying that they are ready to hear why it’s hard for them, is doomed to constantly sort things out with those who is nearby. Swearing and quarreling in such situations is inevitable.

Because such behavior makes people feel flawed, bad, that others do not respect or appreciate, do not understand and do not love.

And resentment arises because they do not want to consider themselves bad, they do not understand why they are treated this way and what they did to deserve it. This attitude offends not only when it comes from a partner, but also from management, children, parents, relatives, and friends. And even if a person remains silent for a long time, trying not to say anything and somehow survive what is happening, a moment will still come when he gets tired of being good all the time, trying to earn someone’s recognition, and he will arrange a debriefing.

In order not to quarrel, you need to sort things out

It’s better to sort things out right away. It’s just scary, because after that you need to make a decision: either break up with someone who is so deaf, blind and used to having everything only for him, or accept him as is, without reacting anymore. But as they say, most people still hope that after the next quarrel something will change, the person will hear them, realize that it is impossible to behave this way, and when this does not happen, out of fear of making a decision, they continue to quarrel further. . Due to the fact that it will never be possible to live peacefully with someone whose behavior does not suit you, neither for a person who has a normal psyche, nor for a neurotic person who is accustomed to suffering.

It’s clear that if people quarrel, there is a reason for it. And in order to avoid unnecessary conflicts, it is always important to find it behind the mass of words, tears, rage, resentment and irritation that spill out while trying to express in words what is burning from the inside. If you don’t figure out why such a violent reaction occurs, quarrels will break out again and again.

The most common causes of human quarrels

People fight to defend their opinions

Each person is guided by his own scale of values, and it is this and his opinion, formed in accordance with it, that is the only correct one. And since others do the same thing in their lives, it is not surprising that people quarrel and fight because of this. Against this background, contradictions and dissatisfaction arise with those who do not agree with another point of view, which for someone is the only true one.

People who are too proud always try to insist on their point of view, and if they meet someone who is not going to agree with it, they will not back down and the matter will quickly end in a quarrel, from which his family will also suffer, since he will return home clearly not in a rosy mood.

People often quarrel because someone has ruined their mood, especially if the person is overly emotional, has low self-esteem and is quite quick-tempered.

Because of misunderstandings and unwillingness to hear, people quarrel

Lack of understanding of other people, inability to hear them, fixation only on one’s own affairs is also the reason why people quarrel and swear. Because often, due to such myopia, the behavior of others is perceived too biased. In fact, the behavior of other people may not mean anything at all; people are more preoccupied with themselves than with others and their interests come first for them.

It happens that due to the mass of their problems, people may not have the strength to hear others, even those closest to them. Their heads are occupied with problems, anxieties, experiences; in general, at this moment they are only concerned about their own well-being and the restoration of spiritual harmony. And this, for those who remain unnoticed nearby, is a reason to quarrel and be offended.

Low self-esteem of a person is the reason for his aggression and quarrels

People often quarrel and fight because of low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence.

Well-mannered and good people will not ignore others, but even their behavior can cause complaints from another person. And this will no longer be connected with what they did, but with the fact that this person has too low self-esteem, a lot of complexes, he is envious, believes that everyone is obliged to him and therefore invents grievances, and when there are too many of them, he is satisfied scandal.

No amount of persuasion, attempts to reassure, or sincere attempts to understand what is happening will help. Until he expresses everything that is boiling over and frees his soul, he will not calm down. And at this moment he begins to offend the one with whom he is next.

Inability to hold yourself low and high

The inability to express complaints without blaming others, to say what you yourself are experiencing because of the words, actions of someone who has upset, hurt, instead of trying to make him feel guilty, bad, terrible and indifferent to the feelings of others is also the answer to the question why people quarrel and fight. Who would like it when they accuse him, criticize him and make him feel guilty, and do not solve the misunderstanding that has arisen?

To ensure that there are as few quarrels as possible in your life, try to take what is happening less seriously. This does not mean ignoring a violation of your interests, it means getting used to talking about what doesn’t suit you, what you don’t like, right away when it happens. But only in a restrained, calm manner, without shouting, profanity, or humiliation.

If you find it difficult to control yourself in order to quarrel less and avoid serious consequences, before further conversation, describe on paper what happened, your feelings, and what you want to say to the offender and find the opportunity to devote time to some physical exercise. It’s important to cool down and switch to something pleasant and useful, it takes time. You can walk quickly, practice hitting the punching bag, do squats, or dance. This will allow you to throw out anger, rage, and then once again look at what happened with different eyes. And after that, tell the person how he hurt you, not blaming him, but explaining. Anyone who values ​​and respects you will certainly take this into account. No - decide: either accept it, or don’t communicate with him anymore. This way you will save your health and eliminate any reasons for quarrels and conflicts.

Knowing why people quarrel and what reasons are the most common cause for conflicts and misunderstandings will help those who want to avoid them. True, you will have to become more patient and careful, since there are people who themselves can look for a reason to quarrel with someone. And here you will need real resourcefulness to get away from a quarrel, otherwise it is unlikely that you will be able to protect your health and good mood by communicating with such a person constantly.

After another scandal, the question arises in your head: why do people quarrel in general and how to learn to live together? After all, this knowledge would help every person in life.

Troubles at work, a lot of household chores, problems with children, traffic jams, angry faces of passers-by - all this has a negative effect for anyone normal person and, as a result, nervous tension arises, which simply needs to be relieved so as not to go crazy. This is why people often quarrel at home, with their family and friends.

• On the one side, it’s right that we splash out our emotions, because otherwise, nervous breakdowns would become the norm for everyone. This should under no circumstances be allowed, otherwise we will simply end up with a society of uncontrollable, potentially dangerous people.
• On the other side, it’s offensive and annoying to hurt and take out the accumulated aggression on your family and friends. However, they are the ones who become our main “victims”.

The reason that threw a person off balance could be as insignificant as a small skirmish with a work colleague. However, on the way home, discontent accumulates in the soul like a snowball, and general aggression grows. This can happen because of a rude conductor on public transport, because of rainy weather, or because of a loaf of bread that slipped out of your hands and fell straight into a puddle.

In the end, a person comes home on edge and it is enough for him to simply see the first person he comes across, be it his wife, grandmother or child, in order to bring down all his anger on him.

In fact, it turns out that for some reason people quarrel over the most trivial matters. It is enough to quote the most banal dialogue, which I think you will recognize:

• - Why are you so late?
• - Did the meeting at work last too long?
• - Uh-huh, of course. You probably had a meeting in the women's society, huh?
• - In what kind of women's society?
• - Yes from you women's perfume it hits a kilometer away!
• - What nonsense! We have many women on our team.
• - Did you hug them or something, since the smell is so strong?
• - Stop talking nonsense! I'm tired as a dog, and you're coming at me with your ridiculous accusations. I thought a delicious dinner was waiting for me at home, but here...
• - Well, well, I have to work for him here while he has fun with just anyone!
• - That's enough, I'm leaving...

Moreover, this is not the end of the story. It can unfold in any way: going to bed, leaving home, breaking dishes, etc. There are many options, in general, who knows what.

We have examined only the first reason why people quarrel. Now, in order to move on to the next ones, you need to consider several options for conflicts with different people, since usually each quarrel happens differently with a specific person.

Quarrel with parents

Unfortunately, quarrels with parents occur precisely through our fault, because often we cannot treat them with due patience and understanding. Parents always want to please us, help us and do what is best. Alas, We don’t understand or appreciate this. Sometimes it seems to us that mom and dad are so behind the times that they have absolutely no right to interfere in our affairs, which they do not understand.

In other words, if we showed at least sometimes a little more attention, patience and respect for our elders, children would stop running away from home, breaking all ties with their family, and their parents would not torment themselves with worries for their children, which sometimes result in heart attacks, strokes and nervous breakdowns.

Very often we begin to appreciate and listen to the advice of elders when we become parents ourselves and we slowly begin to understand what it means to have a child and wish him well.

Quarrel with a child

This section is an excellent continuation of the previous one, if you look at the situation from the other side, i.e. through the eyes of a child. Children always want to become adults as quickly as possible Therefore, they constantly strive for complete independence and are offended by parental control.

Conflicts with a child are inevitable, since until he becomes an adult, he will stubbornly defend his opinion, get angry and annoyed at the “dumbness” and lack of modernity of his parents, and also argue with them, proving by any means that he is right.

In order to reduce the number of future quarrels with their child, parents need to disrespect elders and unquestioning obedience.

Quarrel with husband or lover

You can write not just articles, but entire books about these quarrels. Of course, this is not good, since it is conflicts that increase the already sad divorce statistics. It is often easier for spouses to separate than to hear each other.

The main reasons for quarrels in relations between opposite sexes is:

• misunderstanding,
• banal fatigue,
• difference of interests,
• sexual dissatisfaction,
• unpreparedness for certain obligations (most often on the part of a man),
• jealousy
• lack of love.

Let's talk about everything in order. Let's start with jealousy. I suggest you remember the dialogue that I cited as an example closer to the beginning. It perfectly characterizes this quality. We can say that “thanks to” jealousy, people quarrel simply out of nowhere, pouring from empty to empty.

Unexpected departure of love also becomes a frequent cause of quarrels. People begin to get annoyed with each other over all sorts of nonsense, accuse each other of all mortal sins and even insult. All this hassle can be avoided if you sit down together and think carefully about why you have recently begun to literally hate each other. In a calm environment, the answer will come by itself, but how to use it is a personal matter for each couple.

Sexual dissatisfaction is far from the last place in the causes of family quarrels. In this case, you cannot blame one of the spouses, since situations are different. Perhaps the husband gets very tired at work and simply doesn’t have any time left. physical strength at his wife, and she, instead of understanding, begins to reproach. Of course, then any desire even for a man in love will disappear.

It happens that a woman, delving into household chores and affairs, stopped giving time to a man and your appearance. Of course, this immediately reduces the peak sexual activity of partners.

Differences in interests and desires literally becomes a stumbling block in some relationships between a man and a woman. For example, on a day off he wants to go fishing, and he is ready to take it with him. However, instead of agreeing to spend time together, she begins to wrinkle her nose and make a sour grimace with the words: “I don’t want to go that far. For what?

To mess around in the mud, stink of fish, and then mess around with it at the stove! No, I have other plans!” This is roughly what happens. Or another scenario: the couple agreed to bring groceries and visit his wife’s mother, and the husband, of course, forgot this “little nuance” for a whole week and arranged a bunch of “important” things to do (lay on the sofa with a newspaper in his hands, visit Vasya in the hospital and watch football in the evening).

When his wife reminds him of his promise, this is where the man’s monologue begins: “Again you are with your mother! Why doesn't she go to the store herself? I was so tired at work, I wanted to relax at home. In addition, the semi-final will be shown in the evening. I'm not going anywhere. Go alone." What can I say? I think comments are unnecessary. It turns out that here too people quarrel for no particular reason.

Disagreements in the family also happen due to a reluctance to give in. People, like little children, stubbornly “pull one blanket each to their side.” Well, if you meet halfway once, they will definitely give in to you the next time. But no, they stand their ground to the last, until this very “blanket” is torn to shreds.

Quarrel with a friend

Conflicts with friends sometimes arise because of males. However, I still believe that this is not a reason for a quarrel between true friends. They will laugh together at any situation and will definitely come to an agreement.

Women are often called predators, they say, their whole life consists only of searching for new “victims” of the opposite sex. Phew, that's good! Of course, there is a special “stratum” of representatives of the fair sex with similar life goals, but personally I don’t know such people.

If a conflict does occur, then you need to immediately call your friend with an offer to make peace, and then together, over a cup of tea and cake, laugh at the absurdity of this quarrel. This is what all real women who know the value of friendship usually do.

How to avoid quarrels

Since, as statistics say, every person swears or sorts things out with someone about once a day, it is impossible to avoid this 100%.

Sometimes you can give in on something, because only sheep stupidly stand their ground, and we are not members of their herd. It will not hurt you if you at least pretend that you agreed with your loved one and admitted that he was right.

Of course, sometimes people quarrel specially to give yourself emotional release. These are the so-called energy vampires or sadists, as I like to call them. They literally revel in and get true pleasure from swearing, during which they “disperse” and disperse more and more, and after it they remain completely satisfied with themselves.

Anything can happen, and if you are really on the edge for some reason, it is best to come home, warn your family that you are not in a good mood and lock yourself in your room. You can find a way out for your emotions in various ways, it is not at all necessary to do it loved one punching bag or scapegoat. Next time, he too, remembering this situation, will think twice before unleashing all the dogs on you for no reason.

So patience, understanding, respect are the main keys for people to live in peace and harmony.

Video: Why do people scream when they argue?

Video: Why do people swear (Torsunov

Probably everyone will find a number of their own answers to this question. Many people will have the same answers. Let's try to highlight the main reasons why people swear.

Why do people fight with each other?

Unsettledness. First of all, these are financial issues. All people care about material wealth, but not everyone has the desire, patience, to work and achieve what they want financial well-being. Sometimes you don't have enough luck to get the right job and earn a lucrative income. Man is designed in such a way that when he is given one thing, it is not enough and he wants even more. There is always a desire for better. When this desire completely absorbs a person and does not allow him to think about anything else, then conflict situations arise. A constantly oppressive feeling does not allow a person to relax and gradually throws him out of balance.

Uncertainty. No one can be completely confident in the future, and even more so living in our country, where social and other kinds of guarantees are poorly implemented. Today you work, receive a stable income, and tomorrow you come to your workplace, and they politely and politely tell you that your services are not needed. Immediately there is uncertainty about where to go and what to do next. Again, as in the first case, a gnawing feeling arises, haunting first the person himself, and then all the people around him. People argue and start quarreling. When we are unable to solve problems on our own, we begin to get angry and try to blame others for our failures, although they are often not to blame.

Personal life. Many people suffer from the lack of personal happiness. The situation worsens even more when those around you begin to remind you of your problems. In fact, a person already knows and worries, even if he does not show it about his personal life. But when he is reminded of her disorder, it irritates him and leads to conflict.

These are the most general reasons why people argue. You can name more than a dozen, but they will all be derived from the above. When a conflict situation arises, try to take into account the following: no one benefits from a quarrel, neither the one who started it nor the accused. It’s just that in the end people’s nerves are spoiled and time was wasted. It is best to sit down at the negotiating table and discuss what does not suit whom, then maybe the problem will not turn out to be so global and the right solution will be found.

Usually, after a conflict situation or scandal, many people feel depressed, realizing that in general these scenes could have been avoided. Each quarrel, one way or another, leaves its mark on the relationship, and it is in our power to make sure that when remembering communication with us, loved ones experience predominantly positive emotions. It is very important to feel when a person is on the edge or when you yourself can barely restrain yourself, so that Do not throw out accumulated negativity on your interlocutor. If you nip a scandal in the bud, then it will be easier for you to realize that you have avoided a serious quarrel. However, your opponent will probably be able to appreciate your wisdom and flexibility in overcoming dangerous topics.

What is a quarrel

If you turn to Dahl's dictionary, he will give you the quite expected formulation that a quarrel should be called a noisy squabble and mutual hostility. We all know what lies behind these words, and the most vivid ones immediately emerge in our memories. negative emotions, which we experienced when we had to get into an altercation with someone. It is especially unpleasant if such memories are associated not with a saleswoman in a store or a grumpy neighbor, but with people near and dear to us. It is important to understand that often the reason for a quarrel is not the specific topic that turned out to be a stumbling block for those quarreling, no matter how paradoxical it may sound. Usually, people who enter into conflict situations have experienced some unpleasant emotions the day before or have simply been feeling dissatisfied with something for a long time. That is, even if in the end it is possible to resolve the conflict, this is not a guarantee that dissatisfaction with each other will remain a thing of the past. If you often begin to have misunderstandings with someone, then look for a deeper reason for this phenomenon.

Common causes of quarrels

1. We can't hear each other Each interlocutor tries to convey his own position, without even allowing the thought that it might be wrong. Most often, we are so convinced that we are right that we do not try to listen to our opponent’s arguments - we are simply not interested and do not care what he says, and the person, of course, immediately feels this. He tries even harder to get his point across and things start to heat up. In this case, the one who is less flexible in conversation, considering himself right in almost everything, is to blame. 2. We don’t want to give in in a dispute and accept someone else’s truth. If you want your relationships with loved ones to develop harmoniously, it is important to learn to make compromises. Some people are simply not capable of taking such a step, considering it a kind of humiliation or personal defeat. In fact, a person who knows how to make concessions, understanding that the issue is not so fundamental and is not worth inciting hostility, is distinguished by great wisdom. Of course, this does not mean that you need to completely forget about your opinion, and agree with your opponents in everything, but if the issue is really at the level of everyday life and not overly important, then it would be quite reasonable not to spoil your nerves once again. Just calmly say: “You know my opinion, but let it be your way.” 3. Resentment, betrayal, jealousy, betrayal

Treason. Of course, such events, most often, invariably lead to conflict situations. As a rule, the one who cheated defends himself from the attacks of his other half, and at the same time it may seem that the cheater does not feel any guilt at all. This is partly true! It just so happens that betrayal rarely happens out of nowhere. Usually it is preceded by quarrels between spouses and dissatisfaction with each other. If the couple had initially identified the cause of their disagreements and tried to eliminate it, then the matter probably would not have come to an affair. Cheating is a test for any family, and often the blame for this situation lies equally with the spouses. Betrayal. If this situation is not related to love betrayal, then, of course, it is difficult for the traitor to find an excuse. Most often, the relationship is terminated after this, even if attempts were initially made to forget such an offense. Sometimes even close relatives do not make exceptions, considering betrayal to be a sufficient reason to break off contact forever. Jealousy. This problem is not so difficult to eliminate if you find its origins. Perhaps jealousy appeared after one of the couple cheated on the other. In such a situation, forecasts are most often not very optimistic. Even if the traitor has made a firm decision to remain faithful to his half, endless nagging, suspicions and hysterics can again push him to a similar step. By cheating, he was trying to solve some problem in the relationship, and, most likely, jealousy and control will also become a problem for him. We also must not forget that the party who experienced the betrayal will eventually understand that he cannot forgive this act, which will also result in a break in the relationship. Grievances. If the grievances are minor and sometimes seem to be completely groundless, it is worth looking for a major problem that gave rise to these troubles. Most likely, having failed to agree on some important issue and “hushed up” it, the parties (or one side) remained dissatisfied with each other, and subconsciously this dissatisfaction spread to other areas.

Why do both friends and girlfriends sometimes fight?

Oddly enough, many people are usually more tolerant of the shortcomings of friends and girlfriends than of their other halves. However, even long-time comrades are sometimes forced to face conflict situations. Often their cause can be the opposite sex. And yet, this reason more often appears in the company of very young people, or if the friendship began recently. True friends usually put friendship above fleeting acquaintances and affairs, of course, unless we are talking about the love of their lives. Often, the cause of conflicts among friends and girlfriends can be a money issue. When one friend always invests more in some feast, meetings and various events, this situation begins to upset and irritate him. Subsequently, one person begins to feel that he is being taken advantage of, and the second believes that the offended person regretted something for him, which turns into a conflict.

Frequent quarrels with parents

Most often, young people quarrel with their parents because they are overly protective of them and are trying to somehow influence their decisions. Maybe reverse side– an adult son or daughter decides that their parents provide them with too little financial support and attention. In both cases, it is not difficult to understand the parents. Moms and dads who want to be an integral part of the life of their son or daughter simply cannot or do not want to move to another level of relationship. They are used to being mentors for their children, they liked this role, and they don’t imagine that somehow this can be changed, and in general they don’t see the point in it, because they “ life experience much more"! If you have such parents, you should be more tolerant of this, and not start a riot - such behavior is typical of unintelligent children, and it means that you, without meaning to, have accepted rules that do not suit you. Communicate gently with your parents, do not tell them details that they do not need to know. Sometimes accept their advice as adults accept the advice of other adults. If you fundamentally disagree with something, calmly ask them not to worry, ask them to trust you, noting that you will solve this problem yourself. In the second case, when it seems to you that your parents could have taken more part in your life, you would rather All in all, you are wrong. Don’t be selfish, because, most likely, your mother or father devoted many years to your upbringing, and now they have a completely understandable desire to live for their own pleasure. Perhaps their parents did the same. As a rule, in order to raise a child, people have to sacrifice a lot. Many children, having grown up, try to help their parents, realizing that now they are much weaker than their adult children. Others expect that their parents will continue to devote their lives to them, “give them the best pieces.” Be kind to your parents, give them a break and appreciate all the benefits of communicating with adult, independent children.

Why do husband and wife fight?

Spouses may have many reasons for sorting things out. It doesn't have to be some serious reason, like cheating. Sometimes, a woman can be provoked into a scandal for seemingly harmless reasons. Yes, as a rule, women are the initiators of quarrels, which certainly does not look good on them. When conflicts occur at the suggestion of a man, especially for domestic reasons, this is not a very good sign - often such husbands are later called despots and tyrants. Spouses often quarrel due to dissatisfaction in their sexual life. Husband and wife turn out to have different temperaments, or one of the couple is dissatisfied with sex with the other, so marital duty is fulfilled less and less often. If this problem has appeared in your family, despite the fact that it did not exist before, then you need to identify it real reasons. A woman may simply not have an orgasm with a man because he does not devote enough time to foreplay, and the act itself does not last long. A spouse who is not a sensitive lover may not even understand the reason for this behavior. The wife needs to have a serious conversation with her chosen one and explain what exactly does not suit her. If the husband does not want to listen, then, most likely, such a marriage is doomed. A man, in turn, may be dissatisfied with his wife’s lack of initiative, considering his intimate life with her insipid and uninteresting. Such conclusions can lead to the appearance of a mistress. Often, intimate intimacy begins to occur less and less between spouses when one of them is no longer satisfied appearance partner. Many couples would live in perfect harmony if it were not for hated everyday issues. Reluctance to make concessions to each other and a clear division of responsibilities into women's and men's often lead to big problems in the family. Women who work equally with their husbands, but are also forced to take on the lion's share of household chores, feel especially disadvantaged. If this is your case, then explain to your husband that because... If you work, then the distribution of household responsibilities should be equal - whoever managed to do it, did it. A truly loving and caring husband will understand and support you.

Why do children fight?

Mostly children's quarrels are provoked by rivalry or childish envy. If we are talking about your children, then you should do everything possible not to single out one of your children. Many parents do big mistake, dividing children into “oldest” and “younger”, while the demand from the first, as a rule, is always higher. The worst thing is that, feeling such injustice, the older child carries this feeling into adult life, and his relationship with his parents usually becomes quite cool. Younger children, in turn, often grow up to be selfish, and parents begin to regret their loyalty in raising them, and only then see their main mistakes. Try not to get involved in harmless children’s fights, taking sides - let the children learn to decide for themselves your conflicts and make peace. Try not to make your child jealous of his brother, sister or other children. He must understand that he is no worse than others. If he wants a toy “like Petya’s” that you don’t have money for, offer him an interesting alternative.

How to avoid constant quarrels and stop being offended

If you often get offended by other people, then you must understand that you have a certain problem. Most likely, you have high expectations from people, and when they are not met, you become resentful. Do you feel like someone is treating you unfairly? Do not focus on this episode, but after this conversation, consult with a loved one whom you consider to be a model of wisdom and optimism. Tell him about your situation and ask him for an outside assessment. Adequate reaction to the story, will help you look at the situation from a different angle. Of course, you should not seek advice from a person who has a quarrelsome nature or is often touchy. Also, do not forget that people often offend us in response to our attacks, tactless remarks or offensive hints. Sometimes we ourselves don’t notice how we provoke negative emotions in others, but we react sharply to other people’s unpleasant words.

The whole truth is that it is different for everyone

Learn to smooth out tough moments in an argument

If you see that the situation is heating up, it is better not to continue to focus on it. In this case, the interlocutors should take a break and calm down a little. To do this, say: “Let’s discuss this in a couple of minutes, but for now I wanted to talk to you about this…”. Of course, choose a topic that will be pleasant for both you and your opponent. Returning again to an unpleasant conversation, allow your interlocutor to express his point of view to the end. Listen to him carefully, ask clarifying questions. After this, calmly offer to listen to your opinion. Say: “I really want us to understand each other and resolve this issue without quarrels, because we have always understood each other!” Most likely, in the end you will come to general decision, and do not rule out in advance that perhaps it was you who were initially wrong in the dispute.

It is important to be able to accept the choice and opinion of another person

Surely, you are convinced that you have the right to your own opinion and are free to make many decisions. Other people think similarly. If you are one hundred percent convinced that a person is wrong, you will not be able to convince him with a scandal or shouting. Speak to your interlocutor in a calm and friendly tone, asking him leading questions that will themselves lead your opponent to the inconsistency of his point of view. If the person still maintains his opinion, and you understand that this issue does not have a big impact on your current life (topics about celebrities, important historical events, methods of raising children, etc.), then tell him that you understand his point of view , but you suggest that everyone remain with their own opinion, returning to this conversation a little later.

Learn to express your thoughts and feelings without offending your interlocutor

Even if it seems to you that the person with whom you are having a conversation is talking some kind of nonsense, this is not at all a reason to get personal and try to offend the interlocutor. By this you prove that you are unable to convey your own opinion to him by choosing unshakable arguments, and the only thing left for you is to resort to insults. In such a situation, you will show yourself to be a nervous and hot-tempered person who finds it difficult to clearly express his thoughts without descending into “market showdowns.” Respect your interlocutor, and most likely you will achieve respect in return. Even if this does not happen, you will know that you will behave with dignity.

There is not a single couple in the world who has not quarreled at least once. Everyone quarrels: parents among themselves, parents with children, relatives, friends, loved ones, colleagues, children and adults, young and old, men and women, and even lovers. Conflicts arise for a variety of reasons - from completely seemingly innocent ones to truly serious ones. To avoid such troubles, you need to try very hard, since there are many reasons for them. And it’s worth starting with finding out why people quarrel and conflict with each other. Knowing this information will definitely help you avoid disagreements and misunderstandings with your important people. After all, even appropriate behavior during a quarrel or immediately after can radically affect the outcome of the conflict.

The main reasons for quarrels

Why do people quarrel so often?

People quarrel due to lack of attention and help

Quarrels most often arise due to the fact that people feel that they are being ignored, are not valued and do not want to be heard and understood. When they feel bad, it’s hard, they’re tired and exhausted, when they need support so much, but they still can’t get it, they sincerely don’t understand why those around them don’t notice how difficult it is for them to cope alone. what has befallen them and it doesn’t matter that for some this is not a problem. This is a problem for them and they want to be understood and heard.

It often happens that they themselves do not ask for sympathy or help, believing that it is easy to guess about it just by looking at them. When this does not happen, conflicts may break out that have nothing to do with what is happening at all. Any reason, the most insignificant, can be the last straw. But the basis of the quarrel will be precisely this hidden resentment, that no one notices how hard it is for a person, no one rushes to help.

The one they yell at or make a complaint at may not even understand what he did that was so terrible, what caused such a conflict, and the result is a quarrel. Therefore, in order for people not to quarrel, it is important to be able to talk about what worries, offends, excites, and do not hesitate to ask for support right away. Who else but the one who loves and is nearby will provide it. After all, you don’t have to do anything to do this.

For many women, sympathy and words are enough to understand how difficult it is for her now. True, men are accustomed to responding to complaints by taking actions that they think should help. It is difficult for them to do nothing, and women are sometimes unable to understand this and are offended that instead of words of support, he is going to go and put the boss who offended her in his place. And a quarrel already arises, because the woman did not say what exactly she needs from the man, and he does not understand why all his offers for specific help are rejected, and she again gets upset.

People often fight if there is no love

Where love has faded away, or it never existed at all, if one of the partners tries to say or ask for something, they do not understand him or her and do not want to realize how important it is for him or her to be heard. It is not surprising when such indifference hurts. Anyone who does not find time for loved ones, brushes aside their requests, words, suggestions, or tries to calm them down with some general phrases, instead of taking them by the hand and saying that they are ready to hear why it’s hard for them, is doomed to constantly sort things out with those who is nearby. Swearing and quarreling in such situations is inevitable.

Because such behavior makes people feel flawed, bad, that others do not respect or appreciate, do not understand and do not love.

And resentment arises because they do not want to consider themselves bad, they do not understand why they are treated this way and what they did to deserve it. This attitude offends not only when it comes from a partner, but also from management, children, parents, relatives, and friends. And even if a person remains silent for a long time, trying not to say anything and somehow survive what is happening, a moment will still come when he gets tired of being good all the time, trying to earn someone’s recognition, and he will arrange a debriefing.

In order not to quarrel, you need to sort things out

It’s better to sort things out right away. It’s just scary, because after that you need to make a decision: either break up with someone who is so deaf, blind and used to having everything only for him, or accept him as is, without reacting anymore. But as they say, most people still hope that after the next quarrel something will change, the person will hear them, realize that it is impossible to behave this way, and when this does not happen, out of fear of making a decision, they continue to quarrel further. . Due to the fact that it will never be possible to live peacefully with someone whose behavior does not suit you, neither for a person who has a normal psyche, nor for a neurotic person who is accustomed to suffering.

It’s clear that if people quarrel, there is a reason for it. And in order to avoid unnecessary conflicts, it is always important to find it behind the mass of words, tears, rage, resentment and irritation that spill out while trying to express in words what is burning from the inside. If you don’t figure out why such a violent reaction occurs, quarrels will break out again and again.

The most common causes of human quarrels

People fight to defend their opinions

Each person is guided by his own scale of values, and it is this and his opinion, formed in accordance with it, that is the only correct one. And since others do the same thing in their lives, it is not surprising that people quarrel and fight because of this. Against this background, contradictions and dissatisfaction arise with those who do not agree with another point of view, which for someone is the only true one.

People who are too proud always try to insist on their point of view, and if they meet someone who is not going to agree with it, they will not back down and the matter will quickly end in a quarrel, from which his family will also suffer, since he will return home clearly not in a rosy mood.

People often quarrel because someone has ruined their mood, especially if the person is overly emotional, has low self-esteem and is quite quick-tempered.

Because of misunderstandings and unwillingness to hear, people quarrel

Lack of understanding of other people, inability to hear them, fixation only on one’s own affairs is also the reason why people quarrel and swear. Because often, due to such myopia, the behavior of others is perceived too biased. In fact, the behavior of other people may not mean anything at all; people are more preoccupied with themselves than with others and their interests come first for them.

It happens that due to the mass of their problems, people may not have the strength to hear others, even those closest to them. Their heads are occupied with problems, anxieties, experiences; in general, at this moment they are only concerned about their own well-being and the restoration of spiritual harmony. And this, for those who remain unnoticed nearby, is a reason to quarrel and be offended.

Low self-esteem of a person is the reason for his aggression and quarrels

People often quarrel and fight because of low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence.

Well-mannered and kind people will not ignore others, but even their behavior can cause complaints from another person. And this will no longer be connected with what they did, but with the fact that this person has too low self-esteem, a lot of complexes, he is envious, believes that everyone is obliged to him and therefore invents grievances, and when there are too many of them, he is satisfied scandal.

No amount of persuasion, attempts to reassure, or sincere attempts to understand what is happening will help. Until he expresses everything that is boiling over and frees his soul, he will not calm down. And at this moment he begins to offend the one with whom he is next.

Inability to hold yourself low and high

The inability to express complaints without blaming others, to say what you yourself are experiencing because of the words, actions of someone who has upset, hurt, instead of trying to make him feel guilty, bad, terrible and indifferent to the feelings of others is also the answer to the question why people quarrel and fight. Who would like it when they accuse him, criticize him and make him feel guilty, and do not solve the misunderstanding that has arisen?

To ensure that there are as few quarrels as possible in your life, try to take what is happening less seriously. This does not mean ignoring a violation of your interests, it means getting used to talking about what doesn’t suit you, what you don’t like, right away when it happens. But only in a restrained, calm manner, without shouting, profanity, or humiliation.

If you find it difficult to control yourself in order to quarrel less and avoid serious consequences, before further conversation, describe on paper what happened, your feelings, and what you want to say to the offender and find the opportunity to devote time to some physical exercise. It’s important to cool down and switch to something pleasant and useful, it takes time. You can walk quickly, practice hitting the punching bag, do squats, or dance. This will allow you to throw out anger, rage, and then once again look at what happened with different eyes. And after that, tell the person how he hurt you, not blaming him, but explaining. Anyone who values ​​and respects you will certainly take this into account. No - decide: either accept it, or don’t communicate with him anymore. This way you will save your health and eliminate any reasons for quarrels and conflicts.

Knowing why people quarrel and what reasons are the most common cause for conflicts and misunderstandings will help those who want to avoid them. True, you will have to become more patient and careful, since there are people who themselves can look for a reason to quarrel with someone. And here you will need real resourcefulness to get away from a quarrel, otherwise it is unlikely that you will be able to protect your health and good mood by communicating with such a person constantly.

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