Harshly criticizing a person in front of others is not good. I've done this before and regretted it every time. The longer it takes you to realize that you are doing something bad, the worse it gets. I spent a lot of effort trying to wean myself off harsh public criticism.
Criticism in 1 to 1 ratio
Of course, this does not mean that you should not have your own opinion, or try your best to avoid confrontations in front of other people. No important decision is made without friction. But harsh criticism does not manifest itself in friction. An overly aggressive or passive-aggressive tone gives us away. Sometimes criticism is an immediate response. Sometimes we start criticizing just to feel a little better. Sometimes such criticism is simply a sign of lack of awareness. Your awareness.
In short, you cannot change a person by telling him to his face that he is an idiot.
A few years ago, I came up with a rule for myself: criticize myself as much as I criticize others, in a ratio of one to one. The principle is simple: before you criticize someone publicly, you should first criticize yourself.
If I'm going to attack another person about his work, I first need to look at myself: did I do a good job? If someone, in my opinion, is not managing their company correctly, I will first look inside myself - am I doing a good job myself? If I loudly express dissatisfaction with someone's point of view, can I consider myself infallible? What's wrong with my own approach and thinking? Surely something is wrong.
The idea is, of course, not new. But there is a catch: the point is not to never criticize anyone - then neither you nor the other person will learn anything. The point is to criticize yourself first. Criticism helps you learn and improve. And, sometimes, looking at yourself helps you see that you are simply freaking out. So we need to hold our horses. Gradually you will learn to reduce such criticism to nothing.
Rules for constructive criticism
Translation of article 10 Smart Rules for Giving Negative Feedback on Inc.com. Author - Jeffrey James, sales consultant, author of the book Business to Business Selling Power and an English-language blog about the art of sales
Praising good work is a simple matter. But sometimes employees need a kick rather than praise. At the same time, you need to make sure that the team does not lose morale. More on this below.
But first, an important note: the purpose of criticism is not to say exactly how and what exactly to do. This is, at best, one of the tasks. But the real purpose of criticism is to improve the behavior of colleagues, so that everyone works with inspiration, talent and efficiency. Understanding this, let's get down to advice.
1. DON’T MAKE CRITICISM A HABIT
When an employee is criticized for everything and always, the purpose of the criticism gradually disappears from sight. Everyone begins to understand: no matter what they do, they will still be criticized to smithereens. IBM CEO Dan Cerutti, for example, tries to praise the person seven times for every serious criticism.
2. DON'T ACCUMULATE CRITICISM
It is better to influence the behavior of others little by little, and give out criticism in small portions. If you dump a bunch of problems on the team at once, they develop a feeling of hopelessness, the frailty of the world and the injustice of space. This happens when a leader waits for the “right moment” to talk about problems.
Business coach Kate Ludeman advises criticizing in real time or immediately afterwards. Don't delay with criticism.
3. DON'T THROW OUT AT OTHERS
It’s hard for everyone, and it’s probably harder for you than anyone. Harsh criticism of others relieves irritation and helps you relax. But it doesn't improve the behavior of those you criticize. Rather, on the contrary: such criticism creates resistance and rejection.
4. DO NOT SEND CRITICISM BY EMAIL
If you're someone who avoids friction and conflict in your life, you'll probably want to send nasty criticism through the mail. Good advice: never do this. Most people will misinterpret your criticism, become offended, and start complaining. Better talk in person.
5. START WITH SINCERE PRAISE
Build feedback around praise. Show what the person does well. And indicate what of his responsibilities still needs to be developed. Any feedback will be more effective if you focus on the positive first.
6. GET TO THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM
Your comments and criticism will be more effective if you understand how the person initially perceived the situation and where they were coming from. Ask questions: “Explain how you came to the decision”, “Where did you start from?” Such questions help to understand the root of the problem not only for you, but also for your colleagues. It's great if they understand everything themselves.
7. LISTEN TO OTHERS FIRST
People, for the most part, cannot learn anything if they feel that they are not being heard. Good feedback requires empathy. In order for another person to want to become a better person, he should not have the feeling of being misunderstood and unappreciated.
8. DON’T IMPOSE SOLUTIONS
More often than not, we know something is wrong. Often we even understand what exactly it is and how to fix it. So instead of trying to dictate the right solution to others, first ask them how they would fix the situation themselves.
9. BE AN EXAMPLE
Criticism is useless if it is not clear how to improve, and if the critic himself is in a bad mood. When criticizing, remain an example for others. Remember that a subordinate does not perform better than his superior.
10. ACCEPT CRITICISM
If you believe that criticism improves performance and makes the company better, then you should love and accept it. It's not easy to find managers who respond well to criticism. But this is the most valuable source for business development.
Criticism is a compliment
Designer Ilya Birman wrote a blog post. Here are two of my favorite quotes:
“How will a normal person behave when a passerby tells him: “Excuse me, your shoelace has come untied”? He will answer “Thank you,” tie his lace, and move on. If he answers: “What is your business?” I want to walk untied and I do!”, then doubts will arise about his sanity. And if he seriously begins to talk about the fact that a passerby points out to him an untied shoelace, without noticing all the richness of his inner world, then almost all doubts about insanity will disappear.
It seems so natural to say “Thank you” when someone points out where you screwed up. But for a lot of people this, for some reason, is not at all natural; It’s natural for them to send them away, saying “You weren’t asked!” Why people take criticism so painfully is a mystery. Responding adequately to correction or pointing out an error is a very useful skill in life. How can we develop without it? I won’t say that I’m perfect at this, but looking at how many other people react, I understand that I can be quite pleased with myself.”
Criticism does not exist only where there is no society, and since we are social beings, then
We are constantly criticized. True, there is also self-criticism that accompanies a person everywhere, regardless of the presence of other individuals. In principle, the goals of criticism are good, but sometimes it inflicts deep wounds that haunt a person for many years. How to deal with criticism and rebuff critics while maintaining good relationships.
Criticism comes in different forms
Criticism is not always unambiguous, as it can be expressed in constructive and destructive forms. To put it simply, it can be good and bad. Constructive criticism is aimed at improving a person in any area, improving him, moving upward. Destructive criticism is the opposite of constructive criticism: it has no useful goals, but seeks to psychologically traumatize the person being criticized.
Where did the critics come from?
The first theory of the emergence of criticism: a person who encounters some new phenomenon or object has the reaction “I understand and accept” or the reaction “I don’t accept, therefore I don’t accept.” In the case of the latter reaction, a negative assessment appears, that is, criticism.
According to the second theory, people criticize those qualities in other people that they have in themselves and do not accept. Without admitting their own shortcomings, they criticize similar shortcomings in others. Such projection is typical of idealists or envious pessimists, embittered at the whole world and all of humanity.
Nowadays, competition rules, so there are more and more embittered individuals. The principle “either you give me or I give you” prevails. Complaining, crying, looking for the culprits - this is no longer characteristic of our mentality; rigidity and determination prevail.
How to distinguish constructive criticism from destructive?
You already know that criticism can be constructive and destructive, but how to distinguish one from the other? When meeting with a critic, maintain a sober mind, adequate mental flow and listen to your inner self. If you, without realizing it, are trying to justify yourself, it means that the criticism addressed to you was constructive. Expressing such criticism is characterized by a polite tone, calmness, and correctness. Its task is to draw your attention to the shortcomings in work and other activities, and direct you to correct them.
As for destructive criticism, it is projected onto a person’s individuality and gives a negative assessment of his personality. Hearing such criticism, you want to brush it off and be rude to the person from whose lips it came. True, the critic does not care about your anger and irritation, he does not feel discomfort and is glad that he poured out the negativity.
According to scientists, criticism is nothing more than a form of gossip, and gossip has a positive effect on the production of a special hormone in the female body that prevents the occurrence and development of cancer. It is no coincidence that the female sex loves to chat so much. Apparently, Mother Nature provided for everything and thus took care of the health of fragile women.
Motivation of critics
Critics in our society are like uncut dogs. Why do they criticize, what is the motivation?
The answer to these questions is quite simple.
1. Envy
The critic prefers to focus on what he is very jealous of.
2. The desire to increase self-esteem and assert oneself
The critic brings down negative assessments, supposedly with a desire to help you, to point out mistakes, but at the same time he feels himself to be perfect. This means that the true motive of such a person is to increase his status and self-esteem while decreasing the authority of another person. It is almost impossible to please people of this type.
3. The desire to get rid of accumulated emotions
Criticism is an excellent reason to pour out accumulated emotions and give them an outlet. If a person has many problems in life, he hates the world and the people around him, which is why he criticizes everyone with such zeal. It's better not to fall into his hands.
4. Showing your dislike for a person
A person constantly criticizes you - he doesn’t like you. With the help of negativity, he tries to ruin your mood or hit you harder.
5. Smearing your opponent
Criticism is often resorted to by competitors who want to get their opponent out of the way. For selfish purposes, they present him in an unfavorable light, which, as a rule, is crowned with success.
6. Only good intentions
You can criticize with good intentions, that is, in pursuit of good goals. It would be a sin not to listen to such criticism, because most often its recipients are relatives and close people.
Protection from criticism
The most offensive criticism is rooted in childhood, when parents make complaints about their children, whether for cause or not. Children carry this parental assessment throughout their lives, not only in their minds, but also in their hearts (we said that criticism can hurt to the core).
The quality of perception of criticism is influenced by who pronounces it and with what frequency it is delivered to the little person. Non-stop criticism will lead to the fact that the child will grow up very closed and unsure of himself. So, dear parents, do not scold your child, but explain how to do and do the right thing, praise him for good behavior.
If you are criticized, the best way is to laugh it off so you appear as friendly as possible and don't let your emotions get the better of you. There is a place to parry constructive criticism so that the offender thinks about his behavior and his statements. Try to always control yourself - do not show off your vulnerability.
When dealing with destructive criticism, do not show aggression, do not make excuses, otherwise the critic will regard this as a victory.
Reaction to criticism depending on temperament
All people are different, so the perception of criticism also varies. Sanguine people, for example, prefer to laugh it off, choleric people prefer to be offended, but not for long. Phlegmatic people tend to react slowly, think about the reasons for criticism, and demand explanations about this. Melancholic people reflect on the words of the critic, delve into themselves, get upset and worry for a long time.
11.07.2015 12 394 0 Reading time: 14 min.
Today we will talk about what it is constructive and destructive criticism what it should be attitude towards criticism, how to respond to criticism. Any person engaged in any business, or even simply openly expressing his opinion, his position on some issue, will certainly be subject to criticism to one degree or another. Moreover, the more his path or his position differs from what the majority does or thinks, the more criticism he will hear addressed to him. What to do in this case, how to respond to criticism? About all this in today's article.
Let me start with the fact that a lot really depends on a person’s attitude towards criticism. For some people, criticism acts as a stimulus to move forward, for others, on the contrary, as a destabilizing factor. The attitude towards criticism can greatly affect relationships with other people, not only with strangers, but also with loved ones. And finally, there are many examples when a person suffered serious failures only because he did not want to respond to criticism. And, conversely, when people abandoned promising and successful projects because they were criticized.
Reaction to criticism- a very important quality for any person, no matter what he does. Taking criticism can lead to serious consequences, both for the better and for the worse.
To figure out how to properly respond to criticism, you first need to determine what type of criticism it refers to.
Types of criticism. Constructive and destructive criticism
So, let's look at the main types of criticism. There are only two of them.
1. Constructive criticism is an expression of one’s opinion for the purpose of providing assistance. In this case, the critic evaluates your actions or your position, wanting to help you and bring some benefit. Constructive criticism can be expressed in the form of an objective analysis or in the form of some advice or recommendations for improvement.
Let's look at the main signs by which we can determine that this is constructive criticism:
- Objectivity. Expressing his opinion, the critic does not claim the absolute truth, he emphasizes that this is his personal position, his opinion;
- Specificity. The critic points out specific details or points that he questions, without saying that absolutely everything is bad;
- Reasoning. The person who criticizes gives specific arguments, substantiates his position, shows what his criticism is based on;
- Examples from life. When criticizing, a person gives specific examples from his personal or someone else’s life that confirm his train of thought;
- Knowledge of the matter. The critic himself is well versed in the issues that he criticizes (for example, he has specialized education, experience, personal achievements);
- No personalization. A person criticizes, showing respect, does not get personal, criticizes not the opponent himself, but his actions or beliefs;
- Pointing out the positives. The critic points out not only the shortcomings, but also the advantages of your work or your position.
Constructive criticism allows you to see your shortcomings from the outside and correct them. With the right attitude, it can bring considerable benefits in any business.
2. Destructive criticism- this is the expression of one’s negative opinion aimlessly or for selfish purposes. In this case, the critic does not at all want to help the one he criticizes; he does it with some low goals or no goals at all.
Let us highlight the main reasons for destructive criticism:
- Manipulative influence. The critic thus influences the opponent in order to persuade him to take some action that is beneficial to him.
- Envy. A person can be simply envious of another person, and from this try to look for flaws in him and openly point out them.
- A sense of self-importance. There are people who criticize for the sake of the process itself and to receive moral satisfaction from it. This is also destructive criticism in its purest form.
- Non-standard thoughts, the path of development. If a person stands out from the crowd, thinks and acts differently from the majority, then there will be many who want to criticize him just because he is not like them. Such criticism is also not constructive.
Now let's look at the main signs indicating that this is destructive criticism. Basically this is everything that is the opposite of constructive:
- Bias. The critic clearly demonstrates that everything he says is an unconditional, 100% truth that cannot even be questioned;
- Lack of specifics. Everything is simply criticized, general, vague formulations are used: “everything is bad”, “everything is terrible”, “this is wrong”, “this is futile”, “well, who does this”, etc.;
- Unsubstantiated. Destructive criticism is not substantiated in any way, the critic does not give any examples, he simply criticizes and that’s it;
- Getting caught up in the little things. The critic actively criticizes the most unimportant aspects that do not have much impact on the overall process or position;
- Inappropriateness. A person constantly and actively imposes his criticism, on his own initiative, when no one asks him to do so, and even makes it clear that his opinion is not interesting;
- Getting personal. The critic expresses his opinion not about actions and judgments, but about the person himself, and all this in a disrespectful manner.
Destructive criticism does not bring any benefit, but only harm. Its main goal is to unbalance a person, force him to abandon his affairs or thoughts to please the critic.
Now that you know what constructive and destructive criticism is, let's look at how to respond to criticism.
How to respond to criticism?
First of all, I want to note a very important point:
If you do not know how to respond correctly to criticism, if you gladly accept praise, and take any negative assessment with hostility, it will be difficult for you in anything. In this case, criticism will hinder you in all your endeavors, spoil your relationships with other people, and make you an angry and irritable person. It is necessary to use constructive criticism for your own benefit, and draw conclusions from destructive criticism. You will be subject to criticism in any case, even if you do everything perfectly. You won’t be able to avoid it, so the main thing is to develop a competent attitude towards criticism, to know and understand how to react to criticism in a given situation.
A literate person's response to criticism should begin with determining the type of criticism, that is, whether it is constructive or destructive. The signs by which this can be determined are described above. So, let's look at how to respond to criticism.
1. Don't lose your self-esteem and faith in yourself. Even constructive criticism should under no circumstances become a reason to lower your own self-esteem and lose confidence in your own abilities.
2. Separate emotions from useful advice and recommendations. Often both constructive and destructive criticism can be emotional to one degree or another. However, really useful comments, advice and recommendations can be “hidden” between emotions. When listening to criticism, immediately separate all emotions and ignore them. But on the contrary, focus on constructive comments, advice and recommendations.
3. Don't respond to criticism right away. The response to criticism must be thoughtful. Often a person who is criticized, especially if the criticism is emotional and destructive, also falls under the power of emotions, responds in the same spirit, criticism develops into a quarrel, and relationships deteriorate. Who benefits from this? Nobody. Therefore, it is better to silently listen to criticism, and if it requires an answer, take a break to think about it.
4. Use constructive criticism to help. Since constructive criticism is carried out for the purpose of providing assistance, take advantage of this, use it for your own benefit. That is, analyze and draw conclusions.
5. It is impossible not to react to criticism at all. Even if this is destructive criticism, you need to understand what caused it; perhaps some significant threat is hanging over you, and this is just the beginning?
6. Don't take criticism to heart. At the same time, when thinking about how to respond to criticism, try to put aside all emotions. The fewer there are, the more you can accept.
7. What is more important is not the motives of the critic, but the essence of the criticism. It often happens that a person who is being criticized first of all tries to understand why he aroused such interest, what attitude the critic has towards him, what he wants to achieve. But the essence of the identified shortcomings is much more important, especially if it is constructive criticism.
8. If different people criticize the same thing, this is a reason to think about it. It’s one thing when one person sees a certain flaw, his opinion can be subjective, but when different people talk about it, you should think about it.
And finally, a very important rule:
An intelligent and competent person engaged in self-development, striving for success and self-improvement, must be able to identify not only obvious, but also hidden criticism, and quickly respond to it.
For example, a subordinate will not openly criticize his boss. However, based on some of his actions or words, a competent boss should notice the criticism himself, and if it is constructive, then respond to it.
I will end here. Now you know what constructive and destructive criticism is, how to determine the type of criticism and how to respond to criticism in both cases. I hope that this information will be useful to you and you will begin to put it into practice.
I wish you success in all your endeavors! See you again at !
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What to do when outsiders express criticism of their interlocutors. The person who is not participating in the conversation, but is an accidental listener, may not understand why there is such harsh criticism and what it is based on. You can criticize the critic himself. Whether this will be a rational intervention in someone else’s conversation, whether such a step will be perceived as protection by someone who wants to protect from a critic, this is a difficult question. You can get a rude response: “We’ll figure it out ourselves” or “Don’t interfere in something that’s not your own business,” and such an answer will come precisely from the one whom you will inevitably want to protect from the attacks of your opponent in an impartial conversation.
Sometimes criticism looks naive, frivolous, and it can be turned to your advantage if you skillfully manipulate the statements of your opponent, who stands in a position of condemnation, but does not seek a conciliatory response. Manipulations must be done carefully, otherwise both the victim of the critic and the scolder himself will not notice the real motives of the dispute and will move away from the main topic of the conversation, moving on to discussing unimportant small details.
A little about constructive criticism
Constructive criticism can be called an ordinary “debriefing” only when the expressed judgments help to identify errors, get rid of the consequences of errors and the mistakes themselves. Here, the person to whom comments and negative assessments are addressed, if he wants to improve, must exclude any justification in order to give all his attention to what the interlocutor tells him. Then you can expect a positive resolution of the negative situation with condemnation and showdowns.
This type of influence on the interlocutor is used by psychologists in consultations in order to unobtrusively show the client his misconceptions and mistakes. However, no form of constructive criticism will have an effect when the person being criticized is not determined to change his positions, but to his own affirmation, which will occur, first of all, in his eyes, but not in the eyes of others. In such a situation, criticism in any form - analysis, advice, feedback, remark - will be perceived as aggressive condemnation and abuse.
A little about destructive criticism
Destructive criticism has many more forms and manifestations. In all its manifestations, destructive criticism has one motive - self-exaltation, self-affirmation. However, this is covered up by a large abundance of tricky statements aimed at their own aggrandizement.
Psychologists argue that such unseemly self-affirmation is built only on pure self-deception, when, as such, pride is actively covered up by plausible reasons, for example, attacks of the same constructive criticism in the form of righteous anger. When life itself opens everyone’s eyes to such self-deception, the structure of a person’s self-affirmation literally crumbles.
Gross self-deception is expressed in the same crude forms; here they use active protrusion of their ego, the desire to psychologically justify their attacks. However, such crude self-affirmation is characteristic only of people with a coarsened consciousness. People with a refined nature deceive themselves just as subtly, skillfully fool themselves, present themselves in the best light.
Any form of destructive criticism carries within itself the statement of the critic that his position is more correct, that his statements are more productive, and in general, he is better than everyone around him, especially better than the person he is addressing.
