Ordinary people tend to turn into some crazy predictors when they find out you're expecting. In my case, the prophets dumped tons of information on me regarding what it meant to be a father and how I would feel. But there were things that no one prepared me for. If you ever wonder what goes on in the heart and mind of a father of a daughter, read this list and treat it as a kind of spiritual striptease.
No. 1. No one ever told me at what age she might start paying attention to boys
Like many of us, I have taken quite a lot from social anthropology, which suggests that boys are the romantic aggressors and girls are at best generous and patient with their advances. These ideas changed suddenly one evening at the gym when my daughter, Mary Grace, tugged at my sleeve and honestly said, “Daddy, do you see that boy over there? I like him! And while we were drinking smoothies in the cafe at the gym, she kept turning around to see where he was. I deliberately watched him. At one point he even came over to our table. His name was Harrison, he was polite, cheerful and courteous. He spoke to her with great respect and kindness. The only downside to her first love was that he was 19 years old, muscular like an athlete, with a figure like a football linebacker. He worked in a cafe. And she was only 3 years old. I'm serious.
No. 2. Nobody ever told me how much I could fall in love with my wife again
Having a mini version of Mary in the house was a constant reminder of who she was to me. Many of the characteristics that had been driving me crazy for years suddenly emerged in my daughter, and as a result, I was able to see things differently and differently. O greater understanding of some things that were completely alien to me.
For example, I never understood how one could be so upset when plans collapse, but my wife was always disappointed. Disruption of even the most ordinary, routine plans could seriously affect her mood. I once saw how upset she was when she was standing in line at a café and someone took “her” meat sandwich right in front of her. To my horror, Mary Grace is exactly the same.
But because she is small and innocent, I am forced to deal with her emotions in a gentler way, and in doing this I have discovered that at the heart of these small tragedies lies a desperate desire to live. In turn, I saw the same thing in my wife. I used to think it was childish; and now I see how beautiful this childishness is. And this is the deepest difference. And I wish I could go back and love her the way I love her now. She deserves it.
No. 3. No one ever told me that all my previous attempts to understand female anatomy would completely go to waste after changing a single dirty diaper
Being forced to expose soiled baby organs is terrifying! I literally stood over my daughter with a wet wipe in one hand and a magnifying glass in the other, surgically removing bits of feces from her "whoa."
No. 4. Nobody ever told me that having a daughter would automatically make me a feminist.
No. 5. Nobody ever told me what awaits me on the other side of all this tenderness
Very often, fathers of daughters hear something like: “You think you know what love is? Be prepared. You've never felt anything like this." And these people are partly right. “Daddy’s daughter” sitting on her father’s lap and grasping his finger with her fingers is a touching picture that clearly speaks of love.
And what is talked about less is the endless RAGE, the other side of the coin, the gentle bite of tenderness. Indescribable kinetic fury that penetrates you to the bone. I remember how I made my way through the crowd at the market, clenching my fists, pushing a stroller with a baby in front of me, and could not cope with myself, with the images of violence that I was prepared for as soon as someone from the crowd simply crossed the road in front of us. This is a very complex storm in a man's heart when you are simultaneously ready to give your life and take it from another for the same reason. Perhaps there is a lesson in this.
No. 6. Nobody ever told me that "Butterfly Kisses" was the best song ever.
It doesn’t matter that you previously thought this song was snotty, tearful and forced. After the appearance of your daughter, she evokes mysterious strong feelings in you that you cannot resist. Last summer at my friend's wedding, I and the other groomsmen laughed and mocked the entire first half of the song... and then I shed tears over the second half while dancing with my daughter.
No. 7. No one ever told me how incredibly important the color pink is.
Last Christmas, Mary Grace asked Santa to give her a “puppy girl.” And when Santa Claus asked her what color the puppy should be, she, without blinking an eye, said: “Pink!” I saw her upset to the point of tears when she was told that her pink plate was now in the dishwasher and she couldn't eat dinner from it. The shining Jesus in snow-white robes, standing in her room and handing her a blue winged unicorn, probably could have heard something like this: “Hmm, thank you, Jesus, for the flying horse, but you forgot something: it’s not PINK! And as for Your white robes..."
No. 8. Nobody ever told me... Well, maybe my wife did, but I never believed that most girls start planning their weddings from infancy
Personally, I blame Disney for everything. Every piece of white material in our home is a great opportunity to play wedding preparation. She plays the wedding in every detail. At first it was very sweet because she wanted to marry me, but recently her friend from kindergarten took my place as groom. She says she chose him because he is "silly and cute"...
No. 9. No one ever told me how irrationally upset I would be the first time my little girl wanted to marry the stupid and cute boy from kindergarten instead of me.
No. 10. No one ever told me that I would be truly interested in getting my nails done, having tea parties, studying a wardrobe, dancing an impromptu waltz, fiddling with boxes of pastels or a Fancy-Nancy doll.
The average reader will most likely see the above as just too much syrup. But those who have daughters will also hear everything that frightens, hurts, disorients... both dear and sacred.
This text first appeared on the page The Dad Issues , according to this link . You can read more of Bret Spears's writings at hisFacebook or on Twitter .
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The role of the father in raising his daughter still seems insignificant to some. Daddy loves her and that's enough. Is this true?
Everything is clear with boys - their father teaches them to be courageous, brave, take responsibility for themselves and others, fight for rights and protect the weak. What about the girls? It used to be that raising daughters was entirely in the hands of the mother. In practice, it turns out that if a daughter grew up without a father (literally or figuratively), and friendly contact was not established with him, then the child has to fly through life as if without one wing. Psychologists have already repeatedly mentioned the relationship between father and daughter. What consequences could there be in the future due to a bad relationship with your father in the past?
The role of the father in raising his daughter. Who was your dad?
Ideal? If you delve into the past, many will find something to remember:
- alcoholic father
- left the family early
- was a workaholic.
Or he simply lived nearby, but did not show any interest in his daughter and did not educate her. Some had fathers who were “cold” and aloof, while others were much more unlucky.
If the father drank, walked around, beat the children or the mother, then the feeling of injustice and hatred can live in the soul for years, leaving a heavy imprint on all life events.
Psychology has long established that the connection between father and daughter subconsciously influences the building of relationships between a girl and her chosen one in the future. For example, if a father has never admired his daughter, then when she grows up, she will not expect compliments from fans. But these are small things compared to the serious problems girls can face in adulthood if they had problems with their fathers.
Father-daughter relationship: subconscious choice of the wrong men
A huge problem with a bad relationship between father and daughter is revealed at the moment when it comes to dating and choosing a life partner. If sharp edges and some psychological traumas can be hidden in work, relationships with friends, then when it comes to building connections with the opposite sex, all those complexes, fears and mental attitudes that we received in childhood come to light. Nobody wants an alcoholic or tyrant husband, but girls who have had fathers with the same problem have a much higher chance of choosing a guy with an addiction.
Psychology "father-daughter"
Dad is called upon to help his daughter grow up bold, self-confident, but at the same time feminine. It is the father who instills in the girl a sense of self-worth, attractiveness and aspiration for what she wants. When a child at an early age does not receive his father's attention, approval and care, then self-doubt creeps into him. As a result, statistical data states that in families where fathers abandoned their wives and children, girls more often begin to have early sexual activity, many become pregnant at the age of 15-16 years. The fear is triggered that the man will definitely leave, leave the family, and therefore you need to hurry. If you appreciate this, it is not difficult to understand how important the role of the father is in raising his daughter.
Unreliable father. What will your daughter grow up to be?
Powerful women who are capable of exhibiting masculine character traits, being tough and uncompromising, most likely had weak-willed and irresponsible fathers. Such dads were unable to bring money into the family, drank, and obeyed the whims of their domineering mother.
The girl carries such a relationship between father and daughter into adulthood, trying to compensate for the lack and take responsibility for everything into her own hands. As a result, along the way you come across men who need to be pulled, looked after, and, possibly, provided for. At the same time, the mental attitude may not manifest itself so clearly, but if you start analyzing the situation, it turns out that the woman is simply not able to stop controlling everything (after all, she does this unconsciously, at the subconscious level).
The domineering father of a flexible daughter
If the relationship between father and daughter developed differently, for example, dad was domineering, demanding, strict, then it’s a different story. The girl was required to be sweet, helpful, feminine, not to show any masculine qualities, and not to defend her opinion. Most often, such fathers give instructions to study and then get married successfully.
The connection between father and daughter is so strong that even if the young lady starts her own business or becomes a boss, the attitude of being in a subordinate position will manifest itself in her relationship with her man. After all, the chosen one is chosen on a subconscious level with the same character traits that were present in the father.
What to do if the relationship between father and daughter is difficult and painful
Analysis of the situation will help you fight against incorrect attitudes in adult life that come from childhood:
- Did you have any problems in childhood?
- what kind of connection existed and exists between father and daughter,
- how the father behaved in childhood and what he is like now, etc.
A psychologist is best able to help diagnose and solve such a problem. However, if you have just begun to understand the situation, you can try to figure it out on your own.
Analyze all your romantic stories: perhaps they have something in common? If it is obvious that you are “unlucky” with men in life, you need to change your psychological attitudes. It can be difficult to do this without a specialist, because father-daughter psychology is not limited to one article or a moment of insight.
Problems that migrate from childhood to adulthood are the deepest and most emotionally difficult. However, now you can try to change the situation.
- Start with awareness and acceptance: your father was not a perfect person, you need to forgive him and stop looking for a partner who would be like him.
- Think about what aspects of your father are most difficult for you to come to terms with. Do you subconsciously look for similar traits in other people? To do this, look at your surroundings: bosses, husband, former partners.
- Remember the difficult periods of your life, difficult conversations with your father about your choice. Did he allow you to make decisions on your own? Did you support it?
- Analyze which of his words hurt you the most, and when he was the only stronghold and support for you.
The role of the father in upbringing is great, but do not rush to blame him for all your problems. The relationship between father and daughter is a delicate thread; it must be dealt with as carefully as with any type of family relationship. In order not to harm yourself or him, it is better - this will help show your connection more clearly and its impact on adult life.
1 month - 3 yearsFather-daughter relationships rarely work out well right away. A father’s whole fear is that this is “another woman, how to deal with her?” But the father’s role in raising his daughter is one of the main ones, and it is enough to understand how a father needs to behave with his “queen”.
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Mother's boys, father's daughters Why do relationships work out this way in full-fledged families? Why are boys more drawn to their mothers, and girls, on the contrary, to their fathers, because it is the father who should teach his son to be a man, and the mother who should teach her daughter to be a woman? And for parents, this state of affairs can generally come as a surprise, causing multiple fears. This is especially true for fathers and daughters: with all their desire to have a son, an heir, they secretly rejoice more at the appearance little princess.
Father-daughter relationships rarely work out well right away. A father's whole fear is that this is another woman, how to deal with her? . But the father's role in raising his daughter one of the main ones, and it’s enough to understand how dad needs to behave with his royal. If you do everything without fear and with full confidence in your abilities as the main educator, then your daughter will grow up happy and loving.
What should a daughter’s dad definitely know and be able to do?
In general, to answer the question of how a father should raise his daughter, we can say one word: Loving! . This love is manifested both in caring for the mother and in attention to the baby herself. And this approach will be the most correct and easiest.
For outsiders, the Menshikov family (surname changed - Ed.) was no different from hundreds of others. Same-year-olds Dmitry and Tamara met, fell in love, got married, settled in a three-room apartment in Kolomyagi, and their daughter Yulia was born. The parents could not be happier; they raised the child with soul. A black cat ran between its parents after eight years. Dmitry once said:
Today I'll go to bed with Yulia.
He was then 30 years old. The woman had probably noticed before that her husband was too gentle with the girl. But I hardly expected outright pedophilia. Shocked, she swallowed her insult. I didn’t tell anyone - they don’t wash dirty linen in public. But it was useless to contradict Dmitry. A big guy, over two meters tall, he could easily kill him.
Since then, the Menshikovs have lived according to new rules. Dmitry moved into his daughter’s room and cooled down with his wife. Years passed. At the age of 17, Julia became pregnant.
From whom? – the father asked naively.
From you, you are my only man,” was the answer.
At the family council they decided to keep the child. The daughter-granddaughter was named Sveta. The incest did not pass without a trace. The child developed insulin-dependent diabetes mellitus. It is practically incurable. Consider yourself disabled for life.
Now Sveta is four years old. Tamara filed for divorce. Dmitry seemed to agree, but on the condition that Yulia would stay with him. He still burns with “love” for her.
And the girl was apparently tired physically and mentally. She told her father that she was breaking up with him. Wants, they say, to date guys of the same age:
I’m already 21 years old, I want to be with others!
Menshikov, who will turn 43 in early December, was seething. He wanted eternal fidelity and vetoed his daughter's dating.
The girl went to the police. She recalled the details calmly, as if she were telling a common story. Three operatives went after Menshikov. They knocked on the door, introduced themselves, and asked to go with them to the investigator. The man agreed. But on the street he changed his mind and rushed at the police.
What are you doing, Dmitry Valentinovich! - one officer shouted, holding his dislocated arm.
Two were also injured. Menshikov bit hard. Dented a company car. Finally, he was put down with a wrestling move and brought to the investigative department. Dmitry denied his guilt. The victim also planted the “pig”. Seeing her dad, Yulia refused the statement.
If you start to imprison him, I will say that I slept with him voluntarily! – she threw it in the face of the investigators.
We did not expect such a turn. As Komsomolskaya Pravda learned, the investigation of the Primorsky district was connected with Prosecutor General's Office for consultations. Apparently, grounds for initiating a criminal case were found after all. Perhaps Yulia was persuaded to testify against her father. It is possible that, if free, he would take revenge on his daughter for betrayal.
The defendant has been arrested. He is suspected of raping a minor and resisting police officers,” Ekaterina Gilina, head of the investigation department of the Primorsky district of the Investigative Committee of the Investigative Committee for St. Petersburg in St. Petersburg, explained to a Komsomolskaya Pravda correspondent.
