Relationships where a man is older than his beloved or, on the contrary, a woman finds a gentleman who is younger age , occur quite often. Therefore, it is no longer unusual for us to observe when a man of respectable age leads a girl several decades younger than him down the aisle, or a young man wants to create an alliance with a woman much older than himself.
What motivates these people and how, in general, does it happen that people of various ages, life experience, values, interests not only meet, but get married, create families? Love does not divide people into age categories, races and social statuses. She is deaf to the pleas of her mind to come to her senses and direct her energy to “ more suitable» object.
Recently, judging by the statistics of the institution of marriage, there has been a clear trend towards an increase in the number of couples where the woman is older than the man. At the same time, society’s opinions about this trend differ: some perceive this as a normal phenomenon, while others are sympathetic to such couples, putting forward unpromising forecasts about the duration of the marriage. What motivates these people? Love or material interest?
You can't argue with statistics
Despite all the forecasts, according to statistics and multiple research results, in every third European couple who decided to legalize their relationship, the woman is older than her chosen one in age. Likewise, a third of the total number of unmarried girls date younger men.
Sociologists believe that the reason for this inequality in marriage is the growth rate of modern emancipation. Many women today are able to provide for themselves independently, so the need for a man as a patron fades into the background.
When a mature and self-confident lady is not interested in material values in marriage, she opts for a partner, character traits or qualities, whom she is personally interested in. For a financially independent woman who is able to independently cope with children and build a career, the choice of a life partner is not influenced by any social factors, much less other people’s opinions.
Having achieved success in material terms, such women are much more interested in spending time with a partner who still has everything in the future and big plans for life, than with a person for whom everything is predictable in advance.
Even if the young spouse is guided by mercantile interests, in some cases he can become the main link in a strong relationship. For a woman, a young husband is an indicator of her youth. After all, by entering into an unequal union, she wants to find peace from nagging and unfounded claims. Therefore, human relationships in such a marriage develop beautifully.
The other side of the coin
Looking at the unequal marriages of celebrities, where the man is much older than the woman, it is clear that for the sake of his beloved he is forced to monitor his health, keep himself in shape, in order to keep himself in shape longer and look young. According to psychologists and doctors, success in personal life is the best remedy from a midlife crisis.
Unequal marriages of celebrities, both abroad and in Russia, are a clear example of the fact that a partner who is 10-15 years older than a woman is far from new. And this is not a tribute to fashion at all, and not marriages of convenience, as many mistakenly believe. According to sociologists, the number of such unions is increasing every year.
The girl is young and beautiful, and the man is wise and experienced. Such marriages are beneficial for both. The spouses thus feed off new knowledge from each other, and the man in this union may already have experience from a previous family life, and most likely was able to learn some lessons from it.
By choosing an unequal union, a woman does not feel a thirst for profit or an inferiority complex. First of all, she wants to see such positive aspects good husband, as reliability and confidence in the future. And a man with a decent life experience this is much easier to achieve.
If a man is older in age, then most likely he will not be interested in relationships on the side. In addition, according to the testimony of many women, they are much more romantic and gallant than their peers.
The only downside is that a man is too busy. After all, very often self-confident representatives of the strong half of humanity work a lot and spend little time at home.
A mature husband has years of experience behind him, so he can value time without limiting himself to conventions. Sexually, he has the opportunity to express with his young wife all his fantasies that were not previously realized. Moreover, a young sexual partner is able to more quickly accept her husband’s fantasies than a wife of her own age.
And for a young girl it is very important to realize that an experienced husband can give her much more pleasure than a young sexual partner. Very often, unequal marriages, for example of celebrities, where he is older, are concluded due to the fact that the person who has creative profession, confident and interesting.
An adult man takes raising children in the family more seriously, finding a more competent approach to this issue. It turns out that in a union where the husband is much older than the wife, there are many advantages that can compensate for such a disadvantage as the age difference.
Let's remember history
What is another word for an unequal marriage or relationship between two people of different sexes with a large age difference? An unequal marriage, where the man is older or vice versa, is called misalliance. Such relationships have existed at all times and in any society, and attitudes towards them have always been ambiguous.
Since the beginning of human history, there have been, are now and will always be couples who want to arrange their family life according to their own, individual standards, without regard to the prevailing ideas in society. And if you take a good look at those around you, you will find out that strong marriages unequal in age in Russia or in any other country are by no means a rare phenomenon!
So, for example, in the painting “Unequal Marriage” by the famous artist Vasily Pukirev, a young girl and a pretty elderly man who are getting married. This is a clear example of an age difference that did not prevent the creation of a family union.
So in the work of Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin “Dubrovsky”, main character married the elderly Prince Vereisky. However, in the Soviet Union such relationships were considered dissolute and immoral.
Negatives
In a peer marriage, spouses go through all the stages of growing up together. And when a man is older than a woman, he went through all these stages earlier without her. Therefore, it turns out that at first the husband takes care of, protects and supports the woman, practically acting as a father, and then he himself essentially turns into a child who needs care.
Love is evil, you will love anyone! A well-known saying goes about this. Quite often it happens that a couple who at first glance has nothing in common gets together and even gets married. What comes out of this?
About the concept
Probably all people have heard the concept of “mesalliance”. This is a term that simply means unequal; exclusively socially unequal marriages were called; today this term has been somewhat transformed and expanded its boundaries.
Social misalliance
The most common and ancient type of unequal marriage is considered to be social misalliance. This is a union of people from different social strata, from different classes. An example would be a couple consisting of a simple construction worker and a professor’s daughter, the son of a diplomat and the daughter of an ordinary rural milkmaid. It should be noted that they very rarely cross the line because often relatives of the “stronger” side try with all their might to get rid of the wrongly chosen half of their child.
Intellectual misalliance
An intellectual misalliance is quite interesting - it is a union of people with different levels of mental development. It is noteworthy that if a stupid woman is paired with a smart man, this is normal. A man stands out favorably against his wife, and this is considered normal. However, if a woman is more intelligent than her husband, the lady will most often be pitied, because in modern (still patriarchal) society it is believed that the man leads the family. How can he be the head of the family if he is poor in mind?
National misalliance
The next subtype of unequal relations is national misalliance. This is a marriage of people of different nationalities. Now you won’t surprise anyone, but previously such relationships were rare: few people wanted to “mix” their blood. The problems in such marriages are quite large, because it is often very difficult to combine the rituals and traditions of different nations, and most of the conflicts arise on religious grounds.
Political misalliance
Enough new look- political misalliance in marriage. It arose on our territory after the collapse of the Soviet Union, when there was only one party. Today there are many of them, as well as moods. A union of people with different political views is called a political misalliance.
Household misalliance
There is also a household misalliance. Almost any couple can be classified as this type of relationship. A clean woman and a confused man who throws his socks everywhere; a pacifist woman and a military man, and so on. There are many variations of household misalliance.
Pros
In any situation you can find both its minuses and pluses. If a couple, unequal according to certain criteria, wants to be together (what can you do, these are the games of fate), misalliance is not so scary. A huge advantage may be the fact that one of the partners, who is clearly losing compared to the other, will begin to strive for a higher level. This perfectly disciplines and forces the personality to develop, and self-improvement has never harmed anyone.
Hypergamy is a term that came to sociology from biology; it describes a subconscious impulse in women to strive to find a partner who is more fulfilled in society. In the animal world, a female almost always makes a choice in favor of the strongest male, who would be able to provide for offspring and protect them from external threats.
In the human world, a woman is looking for a man who could create a full-fledged material platform for a future family. This feature of thinking, inherited from our ancestors at the genetic level, is now more often found in the disapproving form of “unequal marriage”, because the search for the best partner, unfortunately, in the modern context is associated with material wealth, and not with strength and dexterity, as it was thousands years ago.
The police protect people, the state supports them, so the need for a strong companion is significantly weakened, and many stigmas come to the fore. Because of this, there are many stigmas swirling around, which in fact appear due to ignorance by the majority of the simple canons of psychology. So it’s time to truthfully answer the question: what is an “unequal marriage” among people, and is marrying a partner of unequal status and position something bad?
What is an unequal marriage?
Unequal marriage refers to relationships between people of different ages, social circles or material wealth.
The word “unequal” is used to emphasize the different positions of spouses on the social ladder.
You shouldn’t immediately turn to the negative connotation of inequality, because five is not equal to three, but hardly anyone will say that this is bad.
What is it called in one word?
Unequal marriages can be called “misalliance” in the French manner, but, of course, it is not always worth using the term to describe the wedding of ordinary people: initially, misalliance is a marriage of different classes, when the origin of the partners is strikingly different. In other words, one is a nobleman, and the other is a janitor.
Species
There are not many types of marriage inequality. The main factor in such relationships is often the age or position of the individual spouse.
You can look at it from different angles:
- older woman. Interesting fact: in every sixth couple (approximately) there is an older woman and a young chosen one. The classic age difference between partners, which society is already beginning to pay attention to, is five years;
- older man. More often it is a marriage of an elderly nouveau riche and a young virgin. Here, society lets young people through a little more leniently: ten years is already considered a reason to believe that marriage is unequal;
- the chosen one or chosen one is richer. It’s all very simple: one of the partners brings a large fortune under their belt, while the second one uses what has already been accumulated;
- marriages with status. The president marries a milkmaid, a celebrity chooses a simple girl from the people. In such unions, one of the partners has a higher social status.
Goals and features of performing basic family functions
Considering that modern families have largely lost a large number of functions that cemented them in the past (protective, educational, etc.), the union has only a few of the most traditional bonds, as they are called, that are strong in relation to changes.
Here is how, in most cases, the “responsibility map” of spouses in an unequal marriage is distributed:
- economic contribution. The partner on whom the financial factor depends is in charge of feeding the family, its well-being, and disposing of household property. Since he has greater opportunities to earn money, the goal of an economically or socially secure person is to find funds and distribute them wisely. The passive partner in this context sits “on the farm”: looks after this property and organizes a stable life;
- . Sex is the basis of relationships, and here the younger companion shows himself more actively, who cares about satisfying sexual needs more intensively;
- education and upbringing. The partner free from work spends time on, and the worker only takes part in it. Although the latter makes a greater contribution to the development of the child in terms of education, since it has the financial capacity to provide full-fledged education. A status partner can also use social leverage: in essence, “push” both the other partner and the children.
Psychophysiology and psychology of unequal marriages
As was said at the very beginning, the search for a “highest quality” partner is due to an internal mechanism that has developed evolutionarily.The brain of any person is designed so that it strives to find the best and least losing options for the development of situations, so when a woman looks through candidates, she unconsciously gravitates towards the chosen one, who stands out from the crowd with such indicators as status and wealth.
A similar situation occurs with men, only, unlike women, they take into account not possible offspring, but their own status, which can be obtained as a result of interaction. Age marriages work differently.
If a girl grew up without a father, then it is absolutely normal for her to gravitate towards companions in adulthood who are capable of giving her fatherly love, and only the partner whose experience allows him to surround the woman with an unusual feeling is capable of this.
That is, she gets married more in order to get a “father-daughter” relationship, although on the surface it may seem to her that she is simply in love. This scheme is no exception for men.
On the other hand, the search for a young partner in old age is an indicator of the activation of sexuality, when the body needs a splash of certain energy, and the brain suggests that best way to do this is to find someone who himself has a large flow of such energy. More often than not, it is in youth that a person is unusually active sexually.
How high is the risk of divorce in a multi-age union?
It usually seems: if there is inequality in age in a marriage, then such intercourse between people is doomed to failure. this is not true.
There are many dangers for newlyweds in inequality, as well as disadvantages, but marriage of age is a reliable union, and this is confirmed by life. Partners who turn a blind eye to the age difference cope better with problems and, as a result, build stronger relationships, because one is wise and can tell where the wrong step is hidden.
And spouses of different ages divorce mostly because of jealousy. So, if you have a non-jealous temperament, you can think about a much younger partner.
The relationship of Orthodoxy to misalliances
Of course, if you are not a relative of Elizabeth II, then a misalliance is not looming on the horizon. It is more interesting to talk about the attitude of the Orthodox Church towards ordinary marriages of different ages without any admixture of blue blood.
The Holy Synod in 1861 issued a decree obliging priests to prevent the difference for more than five years, but those who wish can be persistent, and then the priest is obliged to carry out the wedding without hindrance.
Technically, Christianity does not patronize age marriages, but it also does not have any particularly categorical “against”.
How does the age difference between wife and husband affect sex?
The sexology of mixed-age unions varies greatly. Sexologists generally find more positive aspects: a relationship with a younger partner will give an older partner confidence and open a new page in sexual history.
In addition, a romantic moment is included, since in our youth we sometimes turn a blind eye to candy-bouquet courtship, and for older people, sex with “fresh blood” pushes us to exploits in an attempt to make up for lost time.
There is a whole bag of points of view here, but in general, sexologists agree that the difference allows you to gain experience on the one hand and open a door that was once slammed shut on the other.
Marriages with the largest age difference: examples in Russia and the world
Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas have been together since 2000, and the 25-year difference between the couple, as they themselves say in many interviews, binds them more tightly both emotionally and physically. And even though Douglas looks like a loser compared to the Hollywood beauties, the star duo is not going to get a divorce. The 31-year age difference does not interfere with Alexander Gradsky and Marina Kotashenko. The couple has been happy for 10 years now, and in 2014 Kotashenko gave the then 64-year-old singer a son.
Famous misalliances in history
Did you know that Peter I took as his wife a simple cook, Fevronia, who later became one of the most memorable representatives of the Romanov family? We know her more as Empress Catherine I. The laundress who ascended the throne. Misalliances still occur in our time: one only has to remember the noisy marriage of Kate Middleton and Prince William.
Can life with a young spouse be long and happy: the opinion of domestic psychologists
Psychologist Natalya Tolstaya believes that people tend to make mistakes, which is why many older marriages begin with an initial prejudice: we will not be happy, or we will be, but not for long.The main thing, as Natalya says, is to overcome the factor public opinion and look at real goals and motives.
The woman also notes the importance of the emotional maturity of a young spouse - a partner who is too young can simply run away to a primitive relationship.
We often read in the press or hear from friends such words - “N. and M. got married, and it’s an unequal marriage.” What is it, and why is unequal marriage usually spoken of with regret and disapproval?
Unequal marriage- this is a union in which the husband and wife are very different from each other in some important way.
Types of unequal marriages.
- Unequal marriages based on appearance.
- Unequal marriages based on financial status.
- Unequal marriages based on age.
For example, the wife is a beauty, but the husband cannot even be called handsome. In this case, their marriage is unequal in appearance. Or the husband owns real estate abroad and a dozen bank accounts, and the wife is a simple teacher in a secondary school. Then the marriage is unequal in terms of income.
But unequal marriage based on age is most common.
Unequal marriage: young husband or young wife.
If he is already approaching 60 years old, and he is surrounded by children and even grandchildren, and she has just graduated from college, then it is not surprising that such a marriage is perceived with suspicion by society. Why did the young beauty need the old man?
The opposite situation also happens - when the husband is extremely young, and the wife has long reached and even crossed the threshold of maturity. Such men are often called gigolos - that is, living on the money of their elderly wife and paying her “in kind.”
It should be noted that the attitude towards gigolo men in society is much worse than towards girls who marry old men.
Can an unequal marriage be happy?
However, despite all the stereotypes, even if they are not based out of nowhere, an unequal marriage can also be sincere and concluded according to mutual love. It happens that two people really feel good together, despite the age difference, and their union has no mercantile basis.
An unequal marriage is a marriage between people of different ages, different classes or different financial status. But in most cases, marriages are considered unequal when the husband or wife is 10 years or more older than their partner.
Society takes unequal marriage, to put it mildly, as a scam, and young husband or a wife for swindlers who, through this marriage, want to get rich or gain a certain social position.
Today we want to talk about whether an unequal marriage has a chance to become happy and lasting, and we will also tell you how “unequal” spouses should behave in order to preserve their marriage and the love that binds them.
What criteria determine an unequal marriage?
What criteria define an unequal marriage? When answering this question, psychologists and sociologists say the following: an unequal marriage can be called one in which the woman is 6-7 years older than her partner, and the man is 7 or more years older than his wife. It should be noted that society, for the most part, also considers such marriages unequal and, as a rule, condemns them.
Causes of unequal marriages
There may be several reasons for the occurrence of unequal marriages, but these are mainly physiological and mental reasons.
According to psychologists, the option “The wife is older than the husband” is especially popular among women who really need to constantly worry and care about someone; as a rule, such women either did not have their own children at all, or the children have already grown up, but the maternal instinct remains. That's why ladies of Balzac's age choose young man that you can take care of. And men see women older than themselves as their mother, who will always caress and take care of him.
It is not uncommon for a young girl to enter into an unequal marriage with a mature man. This is explained by the fact that in childhood such a girl did not have enough fatherly love and care, or, conversely, there was too much of this love and care that she later wanted to marry a man who would love and care for her, like her father.
Well, a man takes a young woman as his wife when he has a midlife crisis and he strives to prove to the whole world and to himself in particular that he is still capable of much.
Can an unequal marriage be happy?
Can an unequal marriage be happy? - this question is very difficult to answer, because... Whether an unequal marriage will be happy or not depends only on both partners.
But sociologists answer that almost all unequal marriages are happy only at the beginning of family life. Indeed, in such marriages, sexual harmony between spouses can last no more than 3-5 years, then the sexual activity of the older spouse declines, and the younger partner becomes older, he gets tired of the constant control and guardianship of the older spouse and, in the end, An unequal marriage falls apart.
But there is no need to consider everyone who enters into an unequal marriage as people with disabilities, because there are often cases when partners in such a marriage feel happy and can live together for a very long time, overcoming all adversities together and physiological changes one of the partners.
What promotes happiness in an unequal marriage
Most psychologists, answering the question: “What contributes to happiness in an unequal marriage?”, say that the most important factor on which happiness in an unequal marriage depends is psychobiological compatibility - this means that people admire charm, personal qualities, talent, etc. .d. each other. Such admiration for each other is the main guarantee of a successful marriage.
Also of great importance for happiness in marriage is how successful both partners are as individuals and how high their social maturity is.
In addition, both partners must be of the same intellectual level, this will bring them closer and promote mutual understanding.
And one more factor that will contribute to happiness in an unequal marriage is the ability of both partners to resist the opinions of others and protect their spouse from evil tongues.
Psychologists also recommend that people in unequal marriages take into account their younger spouse and behave in such a way that the relationship is equal. And if the older spouse “presses” the younger partner with his authority, then sooner or later such a marriage will have one end - divorce.
If your husband is younger than you, then you need to refrain from moralizing. Let you know more than him, but give him the right to make decisions himself, even if in the end this decision turns out to be wrong, you should not teach and instruct him how to do it right.
If your husband is much older than you, then you should not make him jealous and let him know that you like other men. This may cause depression for your husband. It’s better to remind him of your love more often, tell him that for you he is the one and only. With such a relationship, your unequal marriage will be happy and will last for many years.
