Grief is the internal experience of loss and the thoughts and feelings associated with it. Specialist in social psychiatry Erich Lindemann dedicated an entire work to this emotional state, calling it “acute grief.”
Psychologist lists 6 signs or symptoms of acute grief:
1. Physical suffering - constant sighs, complaints of loss of strength and exhaustion, lack of appetite;
2. Change in consciousness - a slight feeling of unreality, a feeling of increasing emotional distance separating the grieving person from other people, absorption in the image of the deceased;
3. Feelings of guilt - a search in the events preceding the death of a loved one for evidence that he did not do everything he could for the deceased; accusing yourself of inattention, exaggerating the significance of your slightest mistakes;
4. Hostile reactions - loss of warmth in relationships with people, irritation, anger and even aggression towards them, the desire not to bother them;
5. Loss of behavior patterns - haste, restlessness, aimless movements, constant search for some activity and inability to organize it, loss of interest in anything;
6. The appearance of the deceased’s features in the grieving person, especially the symptoms of his last illness or behavior - this symptom is already on the border of a pathological reaction.
The experience of grief is individual, but at the same time it has its own phases. Of course, the duration and their sequence may vary.
1. Shock and numbness
"Can't be!" - this is the first reaction to the news of the death of a loved one. The characteristic condition can last from a few seconds to several weeks, on average it lasts 9 days. A person experiences a feeling of unreality of what is happening, mental numbness, insensibility, physiological and behavioral disorders. If the loss is too overwhelming or sudden, the subsequent state of shock and denial of what happened sometimes takes on paradoxical forms, causing others to doubt the person’s mental health. This does not mean insanity, it’s just that the human psyche is not able to bear the blow and for some time seeks to isolate itself from the terrible reality by creating an illusory world. At this stage, the grieving person can look for the deceased in the crowd, talk to him, “hear” his steps, put extra cutlery on the table... The deceased’s belongings and room can be kept intact in case of “return”.
What and how can you help a person in the shock phase?
It is completely useless to talk and console him. He still doesn’t hear you, and in response to all attempts to console him, he will only say that he feels fine. At such moments, it would be good to constantly be nearby, not leaving the person alone for a second, not letting him out of the field of attention, so as not to miss the acute reactive state. At the same time, you don’t have to talk to him, you can just silently be there.
Sometimes tactile contacts alone are enough to bring a person out of severe shock. Movements such as stroking the head are especially good. At this moment, many people feel small, defenseless, they want to cry, as they cried in childhood. If you manage to induce tears, it means the person is moving into the next phase.
It is necessary to evoke any strong feelings in a person - they can bring him out of shock. Obviously, it is not easy to awaken a state of great joy, but anger is also suitable here.
2. Anger and resentment
They can last from several days to 2-3 weeks. After the fact of loss begins to be recognized, the absence of a loved one is felt more and more acutely. A person experiencing grief again and again in his mind scrolls through the circumstances of his death and the events that preceded it. The more he thinks about it, the more questions he has. It is difficult for a person to come to terms with loss. He tries to comprehend what happened, to find the reasons for it, asking himself a lot of different “whys”: “Why him?”, “Why (why) did such a misfortune befall us?”, “Why didn’t you keep him at home?”, “ Why didn’t you insist on going to the hospital?”... Anger and accusation can be directed at fate, God, or people. The reaction of anger can also be directed at the deceased himself: for abandoning and causing suffering; for not writing a will; left behind a bunch of problems, including financial ones; for making a mistake and not being able to avoid death. All these negative emotions are quite natural for a person experiencing grief. It’s just a reaction to one’s own helplessness in a given situation.
3. Stage of guilt and obsession
A person suffering from remorse over the fact that he was unfair to the deceased or did not prevent his death may convince himself that if only it were possible to turn back time and return everything back, then he would certainly behave in the same way. to another. At the same time, the imagination can repeatedly play out how everything would have been then. Those experiencing loss often torment themselves with numerous “if onlys,” which sometimes acquire an obsessive character: “If only I had known...”, “If only I had stayed...” This is also a completely common reaction to loss. We can say that here acceptance fights denial. Almost everyone who has lost a loved one, in one form or another, feels guilt towards the deceased for not preventing his death; for not doing something for the deceased: not caring enough, not appreciating, not helping, not talking about his love, not asking for forgiveness, etc.
4. Stage of suffering and depression
Duration from 4 to 7 weeks. Just because suffering is in fourth place in the sequence of stages of grief does not mean that at first it is not there and then it suddenly appears. The point is that at a certain stage suffering reaches its peak and overshadows all other experiences. This is a period of maximum mental pain, which sometimes seems unbearable. The death of a loved one leaves a deep wound in a person’s heart and causes severe torment, felt even on the physical level. The suffering that a person experiences is not constant, but usually comes in waves. Tears may well up at any memory of the deceased, about the past life together and the circumstances of his death. The reason for tears can also be a feeling of loneliness, abandonment and self-pity. At the same time, longing for the deceased does not necessarily manifest itself in crying; suffering can be driven deep inside and find expression in depression. Although suffering can sometimes become unbearable, those grieving may cling to it (usually unconsciously) as an opportunity to maintain a connection with the deceased and testify to their love for him. The internal logic in this case is something like this: to stop grieving means to calm down, to calm down means to forget, to forget means to betray.
How can you alleviate the suffering of a grieving person?
If during the first phase you should constantly be with the grieving person, then here you can and should let the person be alone if he wants it. But if he has a desire to talk, you must always be at his disposal, listen and support.
If a person cries, it is not at all necessary to console him. What is "consolation"? This is an attempt to stop him from crying. We have an unconditional reflex to other people's tears: seeing them, we are ready to do everything so that the person calms down and stops crying. And tears provide the opportunity for strong emotional release.
You can unobtrusively introduce a person to socially useful activities: give them work, start loading them with household chores. This gives him the opportunity to escape from his main worries.
And, of course, the person needs to constantly demonstrate that you understand his loss, but treat him like an ordinary person, without making him any concessions.
5. Acceptance and reorganization stage
Can last from 40 days to 1-15 years. No matter how difficult and prolonged the grief, in the end a person, as a rule, comes to emotional acceptance of the loss, which is accompanied by a weakening or transformation of the spiritual connection with the deceased. At the same time, the connection between times is restored: if before that the grieving person lived mostly in the past and did not want (was not ready) to accept the changes that had taken place in his life, now he gradually regains the ability to fully live in the reality around him and look to the future with hope. A person restores temporarily lost social connections and makes new ones. Interest in meaningful activities returns, new points of application of one’s strengths and abilities open up. Having accepted life without a deceased loved one, a person gains the ability to plan his own future destiny without him. Thus, a reorganization of life occurs.
Basic Help at this stage is to facilitate this turning towards the future, to help make all kinds of plans.
How the process of experiencing loss will proceed, how intense and long-lasting the sadness will be, depends on many factors.
The significance of the deceased and the characteristics of the relationship with him. This is one of the most significant points that determine the nature of grief. The closer the person who passed away was and the more complex, confusing, and conflictual the relationship with him was, the more difficult the loss is experienced. The abundance and importance of something not done for the deceased and, as a consequence, the incompleteness of the relationship with him, especially aggravate the mental torment.
Circumstances of death. A stronger blow is usually delivered by an unexpected, severe (painful, prolonged) and/or violent death.
Age of the deceased. The death of an elderly person is usually perceived as a more or less natural, logical event. On the contrary, it can be more difficult to come to terms with the passing of a young person or child.
Experience of loss. Past deaths of loved ones are connected by invisible threads with each new loss. However, the nature of their influence in the present depends on how a person dealt with it in the past.
Personal characteristics of the grieving person. Each person is unique, and his individuality, of course, is manifested in grief. Of the many psychological qualities, it is worth highlighting how a person relates to death. His reaction to loss depends on this. As he writes J. Rainwater, “the main thing that prolongs grief is the very tenacious illusion inherent in people of guaranteed security of existence.”
Social connections. The presence of people nearby who are ready to hold and share grief greatly facilitates the experience of loss.
Often loved ones, in their desire to support, only make things worse. So what? You should not say when communicating with grieving people:
Untimely statements that do not take into account current circumstances or the psychological state of the bereaved person.
Inappropriate statements generated by a misunderstanding of grief or a desire to drown it out: “Well, you’re still young, and,” “Don’t cry - she/he wouldn’t like it,” etc.
Projective statements that transfer one’s own ideas, feelings or desires onto another person. Among the various types of projections, two stand out in particular:
a) projection of one’s experience, for example, in the words: “Your feelings are so clear to me.” In fact, any loss is individual, and no one is given the opportunity to fully understand the suffering and severity of the loss of Another.
c) projection of their desires - when sympathizers say: “You need to continue your life, you need to go out more often, you need to end mourning” - they are simply expressing their own needs.
In addition, we should separately highlight the most frequently used clichés, which, as it seems to others, alleviate the suffering of the grieving person, but in fact prevent him from properly experiencing grief: “You should have dealt with this by now,” “You need to keep yourself busy with something,” “Time heals all wounds”, “Be strong”, “You shouldn’t give in to tears.” All these verbal attitudes drive grief underground.
Pain, sadness, anger, confusion...? All the feelings seemed to be mixed up, turning into one lump that got stuck in the chest...
Our breath is taken away, and we don’t understand what we should do next without this person? How to live when a part of you, your soul, heart is gone... just empty, died away. How to fill the void that has consumed us?
They say that time heals, that everything passes and is forgotten... Is this really so?
Is it possible to cure a chronic disease with expensive medications? No…
You can only heal...for a while...
This happens with feelings... with life...
We are losing a loved one. Our heart breaks from pain. Our brain “explodes” from our thoughts... It seems to us that life no longer has meaning.
We seek consolation wherever possible and each in our own way. We think that just a little more and time will heal everything. And then everything will be as before.
But this doesn't happen...
Time heals the wound, but does not heal...
Because when we lose a loved one, we become vulnerable...mentally and physically. We pretend that everything is fine, but inside us “a hurricane is raging.” I want to shout to the whole world about my pain, tell everyone so that it becomes easier.
We are angry with fate, asking: “Why???”... Why is fate so cruel to us today?... We experience unbearable melancholy, despair... I want to fall asleep, soundly, soundly, and when I wake up I want to see that it’s all a dream. And we just dreamed it... But, returning to reality, we understand that we have lost......
How to cope with this loss?
What needs to be done to make time the best medicine. How to heal a wound so much that you can live on without experiencing pain?
Perhaps we simply do not want to accept this reality. Although we understand that we need to move on with our lives......
Live, for the sake of life. To love, for the sake of love. A play on words... and so much sense.
Perhaps we need to stop being selfish with ourselves. Learn to accept reality as it is sent to us from above. It is very difficult, sometimes almost impossible. But if you think about it, in fact, we are stronger than we think. We just don't want to understand it. Each of us has strength - spiritual strength.
The force that makes us move on and not stop in the middle, even if it seems that life is over. Think about it. What kind of strength should there be in order not just to REMEMBER, but to live on, keeping in your soul, in your heart, every moment spent with a loved one.
We lost... It hurts... Life separated us... Separated us forever. But we stayed, here in this World... Why? After all, each of us asked ourselves this question, but never found an answer to it.
Perhaps I can answer this question, I don’t know...
It seems to me that Life must go on, no matter how painful and difficult it is... and if you stay here, you need to live! Live for the sake of loved ones, live for the sake of the person you lost. Live and Remember, cherish every moment, every minute spent with him. Do something so that Memory does not become an empty word. Anything you want - write a book, dedicate beautiful lines, compose music, draw a picture, “discover” a new star, finally! Whatever you would like to tell a person, say it... Not with words, but with actions and deeds, in Memory of this person.
And no matter how painful it is, live...
No need to feel sorry. No need to cry. Just take a step forward... One small step - towards life... Look around... Smile, even through your tears.
I know it's very difficult... But try anyway... Like I did :)
After all, I don’t even write these lines just like that... I dedicate them to my closest people whom I lost. For them and for their sake! For the sake of Memory....
But I don’t forget that I have close people who need me today, people who help me move on. People worth living for, even if your heart sometimes breaks from melancholy... I live...
Because I have no right to be weak! Because I love...
Maybe everyone who reads my words will understand something for themselves and decide something. Perhaps someone will disagree with me. But I will be happy if my words help someone. So everything I do is not in vain...
Life goes on... Never stop! Live, Love and Remember...
You are not alone... There are always people who need you... Let them into your life and into your heart...
Don't close...
Everything will work out...
Hello! There is no way to prepare for the loss of a loved one. It is always depression, nervous shock, depressed state. Psychologists try to give advice on how to survive the loss of a loved one, how not to become clouded in your mind, or lose your health.
How to help get out of depression
Unfortunately, our loved ones pass away: some unexpectedly, and some after a long illness. The pain of loss is always the same: tears, grief, lack of understanding of what happened, long-term “fallout” from normal life.
Unfortunately, a quick way to regain the previous state of mind has not yet been found. But to take measures so that misfortune does not lead to severe depression - necessary.
The first thing every person who has lost a close relative or friend experiences is shock and shock. Then comes the realization of his guilt. It seems to the mourner that he paid little attention and did not do everything to save the deceased. Feelings of guilt further intensify grief and depression.
Read also
When loved ones die, it is a great sorrow, which is very difficult...
After a few months, the realization of the loss sets in. The bereaved learns to live with the memories, coming to terms with what happened. Getting used to the new state begins, and memories of the deceased cause light sadness. Some people cry for a very long time, while others simply remember, disturbing their hearts.
How to help your neighbor cope with loss? Many people feel that they need to distract them with conversations on a topic unrelated to the funeral and the life of the deceased. But this doesn't always help. On the contrary, let the person cry, talk it out, listen, just be there. Do not force the mourner to suppress his sadness, do not scold him for tears or for wanting to go to the cemetery one more time. Try not to leave yourself alone with your worries.
If a lot of time has passed, and a person still grieves for the deceased, it is necessary to gently transfer his life into a different direction. We must show in every way that life goes on. Invite them to visit interesting places, or just take a walk in the park. Do this unobtrusively but persistently.
The best way to distract yourself is to help those in need. Often, a pet distracts the mourner from bitter thoughts. Bring a kitten into the house and leave it for a while. If this helps you get distracted, then leave the furry doctor in this house forever. Soon the mourner will understand how much his new furry friend needs his help.
What should a bereaved person do?
Advice from a psychologist will help a bereaved person gain interest in life:
- Don't push away loved ones who came to your aid. Share your experiences, ask about their life. Only communication will help restore peace of mind again.
- Try to maintain your appearance in the same condition. Don't give up on yourself, take care of yourself. I wouldn't like it if you forgot about yourself. It’s clear that there’s no time for that now, but at least don’t forget to brush your teeth, wash your hair, wash your face, and cook food. Usually after the death of a loved one, appetite disappears.
- The surest way is to ease your worries, write a letter to the deceased, where you tell him everything that you did not have time to say. Be sure to tell me how bad it is without him. This letter, especially to a woman, as a more emotional being, will help her cope with the loss of her husband. Pour out all your suffering on paper, even cry. One letter didn’t help, write the next one, get advice, talk about your friends, move on to general topics.
Read also
Hello! When the person next to you cries inconsolably, you really want to console him, but how to do this?..
What does Orthodoxy say about this?
What to do if a loved one dies? They give relief to the tormented soul. Priests recommend going to church more often, lighting candles for the repose of the soul, and reading prayers, especially before 40 days. There is no need to let a day pass without prayer.
Ask the priest to tell you how to pray at home for the deceased, what prayers to read. Prayers will help your loved one go through the difficult path more easily before he appears before the Creator.
You should also make a sacrifice - give alms, help those in need, feed birds and homeless animals.
What to do after the loss of a spouse
The loss of a beloved wife for many men is akin to the end of their life. He does not want to communicate with his relatives, friends, or neighbors. He wants to cry, but boys have been taught since childhood not to give in to tears. He starts to rush around, doesn’t know what to do next.
If your friend has lost his wife, don't leave him alone. Men, more than women, want outside participation. If he wants to cry, then don't hold him back. It’s good if there is a person nearby who has experienced the same grief. Many people are saved by going headlong into work.
Only don't give If you are left without a wife to seek salvation in wine, convince him that his wife would not like this behavior of her beloved husband.
Relatives should remember that numbness in men can last more than 20 days and thoughts of suicide often arise. A man should not be left alone. Just be there, especially during this time and other memorable days.
When they lose their husband, many women remain faithful, rejecting any man's proposals. They believe that they will commit betrayal if they start living with another man. Before rejecting advances, think about whether it is pleasant for someone who has passed on to another world to see your suffering? Of course not!
He wants to see you happy. Losing a loved one is not the end of life. And you can make someone happy. And this is better than you poisoning the lives of others with your suffering.
The departure of any parent is a real shock for children. Many, losing their rear, lose themselves. It is especially bitter to lose my father, who was the only breadwinner in the family. Your task is to hold on yourself and support your mother, who now needs support.
If you have offended your father in some way and therefore suffer even more, go to church, repent, order a prayer service for the repose of your soul. When you pray at home, promise your father that you will not make such mistakes with your children.
If your mother leaves, if it takes you by surprise, it is difficult to cope with the shock. How to survive this grief? The main thing is not to isolate yourself. If you want to talk about it, talk about it, the people around you will be sympathetic to your condition.
Don’t forget to support your father; together it’s easier to survive an irreparable loss. Talk to those who knew your mother and who can tell you about her. Let go of the guilt that everyone feels after the death of a loved one. Read prayers, attend church.
Perhaps the hardest blow in life is the death of a child. Mixed with grief is a feeling of guilt for not being able to protect your child. You must understand that it is useless to blame yourself, because nothing can be returned! Read the Bible, which teaches you to forgive everyone, including yourself. If the parents are truly to blame for the baby’s death, then go to church and repent.
Visit the cemetery as little as possible. This is not indifference to the child, but the realization that we need to move on with our lives, changing the usual order.
Parents should not isolate themselves. We need to find new interests, visit interesting places, communicate with people who have experienced the same grief. A temporary change of housing will help. When the suffering subsides, you can return to the apartment and get photographs of the child. Do not pour out bitterness on your spouse; it is easier to survive troubles together. If all else fails, you should consult a psychologist.
Some couples, wanting to ease the pain of loss, are going to have a child again. Psychologists do not advise making such a decision. The pain must subside so that the new child is not subjected to either crazy caresses or indifference from the parents. When the pain subsides and consciousness awakens, you can think about pregnancy again.
How to come to terms with your grandmother's death
In many families, grandmother is the most faithful friend to her grandchildren. Therefore, after the death of the grandmother, life in the family begins to go completely differently. Grandchildren suffer, parents suffer. What to do?
- Talk about her more often, remember her with a kind word.
- Don’t isolate yourself, communicate with those who knew her well and could tell you a lot about her. If you want to cry, cry! Tears bring relief.
- If you feel guilty, then go to church and repent.
- Become the person your grandmother wanted you to be - this will be the best memory of her.
- Continue the family traditions started by your grandmother.
- Plant the flowers she loved. This will be a bright memory of her.
Losing friends is a hard fate
For many girls, a best friend can be the best conversationalist, a “vest,” a comrade who is always there. Therefore, the death of a best friend is the same grief as the departure of a loved one.
One of the family members. Of course, we are talking about premature death. The death of a family member before the family has completed the major stages of the life cycle. That is, before the children grew up and gained independence, created their own families, have a job, live independently, and so on. Premature death is not death at any age, but death before the family has, by and large, completed its family cycle. For example, the father dies when the children have not yet completed their education, have not yet entered into independent life, or even earlier, or the mistress, the mother, dies while the children are still small.
Archpriest Andrey Lorgus
First of all, it is important to understand that the family and each family member individually experiences death in much the same way as a person experiences acceptance of a diagnosis or a state of grief. Here are the same stages according to Kübler-Ross: numbness or shock, denial of death, anger, compassion, acute grief, family disorganization, because the functionality of the family is disrupted, the distribution of roles is disrupted. Then some kind of reorganization occurs, accompanied by a decrease in the intensity of grief and acceptance of the loss of a family member. Then restoration occurs - the family grieves. Grief can last, as we will see later, quite a long time.
The first symptom of a family coming out of shock is some reorganization of the family, accompanied by a decrease in the intensity of grief. What is meant here is that as soon as the family begins to redistribute the functions and roles that each member in the family has, as soon as the family adapts to the new way of life, the feeling of depression, confusion, and helplessness immediately decreases. This happens because by engaging in active work, a person discovers a way out of the current situation, which gives him a feeling of his own strength. Such activity, active participation, reduces or overcomes the feeling of helplessness and powerlessness. That is, here in inverse proportion - as soon as people begin to somehow change the state of their attitude towards loss, these negative qualities immediately decrease. But this does not mean at all that grief disappears. There is grief here at almost all stages, and we will next look at what grief is from a psychological point of view.
Symptoms of “normal” grief
Erich Lindemann (1900 - 1980) identified the symptoms of “normal” grief, that is, grief that normally develops in every person. This can be applied to family as well. Let's look, first of all, at the symptoms of “normal grief” in order to then answer the question of how to work with grief.
First of all, physical symptoms. This is what we observe in a person whose family has died. First of all, these are periodic attacks of physical suffering - these are tears, sobs, fainting, heart attacks and so on. In addition, such a person may feel emptiness in the chest, emptiness in the stomach, weakness, loss of muscle strength: the person simply sits, his hands literally lie on his knees or hang along the body, he cannot lift them, his head is thrown over, the person either lies or lays down. head in hands. He has difficulty breathing, he is choking, there may be shortness of breath, acute sensitivity to noise, severe irritability to noise, dry mouth, spasms in the throat, difficulty breathing, heart attacks, and so on and so forth.
There may be one of these symptoms, or there may be all of them at once. But we must understand that those who are next to a person in acute grief must, first of all, at the first stage of working with grief, take care of the physical symptoms. That is, for a person experiencing acute grief and experiencing similar symptoms, first: to breathe, and to breathe forcibly, that is, literally to do breathing exercises in order to breathe; secondly, in order for a person to sleep, for this it may be necessary to give him sleeping pills; further: for a person to eat - necessarily, through force, to some extent, but he must eat; and so that he has the opportunity to rest in silence, so that he is given some peace, that is, not being called to the phone, and, of course, he does not have to go to work. Yes, a person can be occupied with some kind of physical work, that is, doing something around the house, but it is very limited, because, as we have already noted here, he most likely has a loss of muscle strength.
Behavioral components. First of all, this is noticeable in speech: interrupted speech, haste or, on the contrary, slowness of speech, it seems that the person is taking a drug. Or freezing on one phrase. Of course, confusion, inconsistency of speech. Lack of interest in business, everything seems to fall out of hand. A change in eating behavior, for example, lack of appetite, and this must be fought - it is impossible to cause appetite, this is an internal desire, so you need to force the person to eat a little, little by little. And this requires constant work - a person needs to prepare, he needs to monitor. Usually a person says: “Okay, go ahead, go, I’ll eat later.” No. It is imperative to ensure that he drinks and eats. If someone wants to help a person in acute grief, then he should stay with him.
In the cognitive sphere, that is, in the sphere of intelligence, a person in acute grief loses confidence in himself, he thinks: “But I can’t cope. I won't succeed. Don’t believe me, I don’t know anything.” Confusion of thoughts - yes, this can happen, difficulties with concentration, with attention - this also happens. But, as a rule, a person notices this in himself.
Emotional sphere- feelings and experiences. . First of all, anger at what happened to him, to his family, to his loved one. This anger, by the way, is most often suppressed by people, but suppressed anger turns into depression, because depression is suppressed aggression, we must remember this. Feelings of helplessness, feelings of guilt, very acute feelings of guilt. The closer the person who died, the more acute the feeling of guilt. Why? “If I had, I would not have allowed this accident to happen. If I tried, if I found doctors, if I got medicine, if, if, if...” - very often loved ones accuse themselves of being to blame for the death. Or a feeling of guilt that “I was inattentive,” “I didn’t talk,” “I left,” “I left him alone,” and so on and so on.
By the way, which is very important, often close people, after the death of a close or not so close person, have a resonance of fear and anxiety for their health and their future. I often observe in consultations when a person comes and says that he has had panic attacks, and very often in the past, in the recent past of such a person, the fact of the death of a close or not very close relative arises. For example, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, brothers. Especially, of course, parents. When someone in the family dies, and a person who knew him closely participates, as if close to death, to this loss, fear for his own life, for his own health arises as a resonance.
And very often this fear, suppressed fear turns into acute unconscious anxiety, which can grow into symptom complexes such as panic attacks. Therefore, it is here, in this area of family experience, that it is very important to express concern for your health. These reactions are normal. This is normal grief. Please note that it is very important to understand that very often heightened fears, anxieties, panic attacks, and depression can be the result of the death of a loved one in the recent past.
How to express anxiety? Generally speaking, all the feelings that a person has must be expressed. What does it mean to express? This means at least two things: firstly, to recognize, to be aware of, and secondly, to pronounce or express it in some other way. But, at least, if you recognize anxiety and anger in yourself, you can recognize them in yourself, this is the first very important fact, and secondly, you can talk about it. With whom and how, when to express it, when to voice it, this must be determined by the situation. That's what close people and friends are for.
What to do with guilt? Feeling guilty is a separate job. But we must understand that very often, when a loved one dies, we have partly imaginary guilt, neurotic guilt, partly genuine guilt. And we must understand the difference between them; this is work with a specialist, but it requires a long time. In any case, at a moment of acute grief, it is very difficult to work with a feeling of guilt, or better yet, it is not worth it.
This depicts the time of grief, when grief touches.
First stage, from a day to two - this is shock and denial of loss. What does it mean to deny loss? For example, when relatives are informed of a death, they do not believe it. They literally don't believe it. That is, they begin to continue turning to doctors and loved ones so that they can confirm to them that this is actually not the case. Some family members may become stuck in this stage of loss denial for many years or for the rest of their lives. I know women who do not believe in the death of their child, for example, and continue to preserve all the furnishings in the house, the things of the deceased child, maintaining for themselves a ghostly illusory myth that the child will return to his home, where his things are waiting, where his things are waiting for him room and everything else.
Being stuck in this denial stage is very painful and can lead to such dysfunction in the family that it can literally fall apart. Many family members will simply leave such a family; they cannot remain in it any longer, because it is impossible to live next to someone who continues to wait for a long-dead, buried and inveterate family member.
For first week, of course, there is exhaustion, because there was a funeral, there was a burial, there was a funeral service, meetings, wakes, and so on. The emotional and physical exhaustion of the family is very pronounced here. And, of course, here you need to show concern to friends and acquaintances, loved ones and family members themselves that the family needs rest, solitude, silence, peace.
Two to five weeks, that is, something like a month: many family members return to everyday life - to work, to a normal lifestyle, to their affairs that were interrupted for a week, perhaps for some less, for others more. And then the closest ones feel the loss more, because the guests have left, and distant relatives have returned to their lives. They are left with this emptiness of loss. And they experience more acute melancholy, anger, and grief. The shock passes, a time of acute grief begins, which can last a very long time - from one and a half months to three months, and a transitional stage of melancholy and anger begins.
Three months and up to a year mourning continues, one might say, a feeling of helplessness, regressive behavior of family members. For example, one of the family members may suddenly turn into something like a small child who needs additional care and supervision. Perhaps it will affect someone more. And someone will look for a substitute for this behavior - someone who, as it were, will take on the function of the deceased. These can be a variety of family members. Children replace the departed parent, the parent sometimes plays at the deceased child, and so on. That is, amazing adventures with substitute behavior take place here. Of course, with pathological behavior, with behavior that brings even greater dysfunction into the family, in addition to grief itself.
Finally it happens anniversary. This is a very important moment when the family, in fact, has the opportunity to celebrate this anniversary. An anniversary is some very important event when a private grief is elevated to a family symbolic grief, when a ritual consummation takes place. That is, this is a remembrance, this is a wake, this is a divine service, this is a prayer, this is a trip to the cemetery, maybe even to another city, to another region. But, in any case, relatives gather again, and the common grief alleviates the grief of the closest relatives. If you don’t get stuck, because often the closest relatives are not ready to part with their mourning, they are not ready to part with their grief.
What does stuck mean? Being stuck is when a family cannot move past a certain stage of grief and the individual cannot move past it. This means that he does not return to everyday life, he continues to live in a pathological life, where his mental state again and again destroys his health.
Finally, from one and a half to two years After the loss, the family has the opportunity to return to their previous life. Of course, to the old one, but without the one who left forever. That is, by this time the functions of the family have been redistributed in one way or another. The structure has again come to some equilibrium due to new roles: roles have been replaced, functions have been redistributed, the structure again continues to be in some kind of equilibrium. Of course, in a new equilibrium.
If a family loses an unborn child, what will be the specific stages? The stages are not the same. There is also grief here, and here it is very important that the mother and father of the unborn child experience and live this grief together. Here, as a rule, outsiders do not participate, who may simply not be privy to this. Therefore, it is very important here that the parents of this child - mother and father, husband and wife - so that they experience this grief together, not separately, but together, so that they help themselves to go through these stages. But to some extent it is similar to the loss of a child, only there is no contact, there is no visual memory, auditory memory, empathy with this child. Here everything is a little different, and the circumstances under which the child died are also very important. If the circumstances are somehow related to the lifestyle of the couple or specifically the mother who carried this child, then there will, of course, be a very serious problem with guilt. And if there was some unforeseen problem with health or something else, then there will also be a feeling of guilt from the fact that not everything was done, or it depended on something, there may be mutual accusations about heredity and so on, there is some specificity here.
What does it mean to work with the grief of family and loved ones? First of all, it is important to help the family go through all stages. How? Each stage has its own behavioral symptoms. Let's say, at the stage of melancholy and anger, it is very important to help with close memories of the life of the deceased, reliving his entire life, starting from the earliest years of his life, looking through his archives, his affairs, his photographs. And at this stage, by the way, certain myths are born, which is not bad, because this is how the family copes with grief. Certain ideas are born, some memorial ideas for a monument, compiling an album, and so on arise. That is, there are many very important things here that help you survive. And if someone helps a family survive, it means that he listens, listens many times to the same thing about the deceased - about how he was sick, about how he died, about what family members were experiencing at that moment, this everything is very important.
Assistants
Strictly speaking, the work of family assistants, friends, loved ones is to be, to be present in the family and listen endlessly to these stories, these repetitions that change from time to time, and this is partly help in overcoming grief. And, of course, we need to take care of loved ones who are experiencing grief, so that they sleep, eat, relax and slowly return to the life that continues to await them.
Of course, once again I must say that working with acute grief, working with people who have experienced a difficult situation, is serious work, and it begins, first of all, with the resources of the helpers themselves. That is, assistants need diagnosis, assistants need training before they take on this. Naturally, if we are talking about relatives, no one asks them. Relatives face grief because they are relatives, and not at all because they decided to help. But if these are volunteers, if these are close acquaintances, then they must understand that they can only help if they themselves know how to regulate their emotional behavior and can be quite emotionally stable themselves. And here is one more very important thing: everyone who helps in acute grief needs to undergo a course of healing from superstitions and magic.
Questions
Is there a risk when loved ones do not leave, but remain to support the most grieving family member, that by doing so they will slow down the process of grief and, on the contrary, prolong the process?
No, on the contrary. If they linger, stay in the family where the death occurred, they help overcome grief. Because, I say again, the life of the deceased is relived, repeated, told. These are all important psychotherapeutic rituals that help, and loved ones are exactly the people who can help the family.
What help can be provided if substitution behavior appears in the family?
If family members accept this replacement behavior and do not want to get rid of it, there is hardly any way to help. For example, it often happens that a child is born within a year or two after the death of one of the family members. And sometimes it is called by the name of the deceased. Or even more than that, it is as if he is appointed to replace him, especially if the eldest child has died, then the younger one who is born is appointed as if to be his deputy. Or if, for example, the father died, the eldest daughter takes on the functions of the father so that the mother and other children can replace the father.
Unfortunately, in such cases the family is reluctant to realize this truly pathological situation, because it is satisfied with this situation. And very often both the “deputy” himself and those who receive this substitute help may be satisfied with this situation. But when the family or these family members are ready to realize what is happening to them, then you can help them understand why this happened and what happened in the family in this situation. Therefore, it is not always possible to help.
If it is obvious that a person is stuck in some stage of grief, but does not recognize it, how can I help him?
If a person does not want to leave this stage, he cannot be forcibly dragged somewhere. But at least you can be close and not participate in his myths. For example, a mother, looking at a photograph of her son, addresses him as if he were alive, tries to talk to him, consult with him. You are not required to participate in this. And you may not explain or expose your mother, but you may not participate in this myth. You can speak completely soberly and unambiguously about a person as if he were deceased, pray for him, remember him and not pretend that you also think that the person is not dead. This will already be enough help. In any case, the person suffering from such stuckness may pay attention, may ask you for help, and perhaps he will feel better with you around. Or maybe he will push you away with aggression and drive you away. But at least he would have a chance to find out the truth from someone who was close to him.
We must understand that where a person wants to be deceived, wants to live in an unreal world, wants to live with a myth, we cannot convince him, we cannot force him to live in reality. But we ourselves, who live nearby, can continue to live in reality, without playing along with the mythology of another.
Prepared by Tamara Amelina
