Hello Christina! My husband and I have been living together for six years, we have two children, a son is 4 years old, a daughter is 1.5 years old, when his daughter was born, he had a mistress, 5 years older than him. I was going to get a divorce, but he didn’t want to, then I’ll find out that she is pregnant, he insists on an abortion, and she couldn’t get pregnant for 9 years after the birth of her daughter, she refuses an abortion and says that she will give birth for herself. They did not communicate, then when she gave birth, he did DNA, he is the father of the child and took it upon himself, now they don’t seem to have a relationship, but it happens that he goes to see his child. I’m constantly jealous of him, there are scandals at home, what to do in this situation, please tell me? We both want to save the family.
Hello
The first thing you need to understand is that there has been a serious trauma in your family. Which has consequences for life - this is a child from another woman. Which is now an integral part of your husband's life. And that means your life.
And you both need to learn to somehow cope and adapt with this new reality. Otherwise, the family cannot be saved.
How to do this?
You and your husband should talk openly about the future. What kind of relationship does he plan to maintain with this child, how to participate in his life? How often do we see each other? How much money should I give? etc.
And together with your husband you must work out an acceptable for both of you format of relationship with this child.
This alone brings a little peace of mind. Since the future already seems a little more stable and predictable. And this makes me calmer.
Second point.
Your husband is to blame for you. And if you really want to save your family, you need to be very attentive and honest with yourself in those moments when you consciously or unconsciously seek to increase his sense of guilt. Thus, as if compensating for the pain that he caused you.
All women want to do this after their husband’s betrayal. And almost everyone does. But this is a road to nowhere. The path to even greater alienation and strengthening of negative family scenarios.
Guilt is the feeling that underlies many betrayals. And to prevent betrayals from happening again, it is very important to track this feeling in myself (when I feel guilty or when I want to make someone else feel guilty) and, if possible, “not let it in” into family relationships.
Next point. This is to understand what happened in your relationship with your husband that led to the appearance of another woman. As a rule, another woman is a consequence of family problems, and not the cause. And when the reason is known, then there is a much greater chance of not repeating it in the future. And the feeling that these terrible circumstances do not somehow happen on their own. And you can influence this to some extent.
And from such awareness you also become calmer.
The change in legislation affected the status of fathers with many children. While maintaining the main condition for defining a large family, the circle of persons belonging to a large family has been expanded. A family is considered to have many children if it simultaneously raises three or more children, both natural and non-relative (adopted, adopted, stepdaughters and stepsons). Children's age is up to 18 years, with the exception of higher education students educational institutions. Until graduation, they are considered to be in the care of their parents and are considered part of the family, although they live separately. We will talk about what benefits a father with many children is entitled to if his children are from different marriages in the article.
Types of benefits entitled to a father with many children if the children are from different marriages
The title of father of many children is equivalent to the title of mother of many children. The main thing is the status of a large family. What benefits are provided? low-income families find out .
It is preserved under one condition: registration and residence at the same address of parents and children.
Men who have three or more children from different marriages and pay alimony for their maintenance cannot receive the status of a father of many children and the corresponding privileges.
The law, having equalized the right of fathers and mothers to have many children, primarily took into account the children's interests. The essence of the legislative innovation: children should grow up in a complete family, where both parents are involved in raising them. About the list of documents for receiving monthly, child benefit find out .
Tax legislation provides for norms that reduce the tax burden on parents with children.
IN in this case the status of having many children does not matter. A man can have more than three children from different marriages living separately from him. The number of children is taken into account when calculating personal income tax.
Reduced amount: 
- for the first and second child - 1,400 rubles each;
- starting from the third – 3000 rubles;
- for a disabled child, regardless of age – 12,000 rubles;
- for a full-time student up to 24 years old, if he is disabled Groups I, II– for 12,000 rubles;
- refund of 25% of income tax for a full-time student.
The father's taxable income is reduced by this amount. Who do they give it to? maternity capital will tell.
The main criterion for obtaining the right to a divorced parent is the payment of alimony.
What are the rules when children live separately from their father?
A parent receives the right to a discount if he is employed on a permanent basis, under a contract, under an agreement.
To register, you need to contact the accounting department at your place of work with an application and documents confirming paternity and payment of alimony: 
- copies of children's documents;
- adoption certificates;
- certificates of guardianship;
- medical report and certificate of disability of the child;
- a certificate from the university confirming full-time study;
- divorce certificate;
- certificates of payment of alimony from the previous place of work.
Copies of birth certificates of children, adoption, guardianship must be certified by a notary or chief accountant. Confirmation of the payment of alimony will be required if it is made on the basis of an agreement between former spouses or by court decision. How to apply for compensation for kindergarten will tell.
By voluntary agreement, the father can transfer the agreed amounts for the maintenance of the child independently within the established time limits. The court decision concerns the provision of the child by vesting him with the property rights of the divorced parent (apartment, dacha, other real estate).
To confirm the fulfillment of obligations to support children, the father must present copies of a voluntary agreement or court decision in favor of the child certified in court.
What benefits are fathers entitled to for children from the same marriage when living with him?
The benefits of a large family now apply equally to both parents.
Now the father, like the mother, can receive tax, social, labor, medical preferences, and relief in paying for utilities and transport services. 
Professional and labor benefits:
- preferred hiring by specialty, other things being equal regarding education, qualifications and experience;
- permission to work on a shortened working week if there are minor children in the family;
- free 2 week holiday, if there is a clause in the collective agreement;
- job retention when staffing is reduced.
Father of many children has the right:
- to reduce utility bills by 50-70% or cancel them completely;
- free travel on municipal transport;
- discount on payment health package by 50%;
- preferential queue for obtaining a land plot to create a farm;
- reduced rate when allocating a loan to organize your own business;
- reduced rate for real estate taxation.
Single dads are entitled to the same benefits as single mothers: 
- Business trips and overtime work with the consent of the father, if he has dependent children under 5 years of age or a disabled child.
- Additional 4 days off per month if you have a disabled child.
- Time of leave at the parent's choice when there is a disabled child in the family.
- The tax benefit for personal income increases by 2 times.
The right to receive the title of father of many children appears simultaneously with the third child and disappears upon reaching the age of 18, when the number of minor children is less than three. The exceptions are disabled people from childhood and students of higher educational institutions of federal significance under the age of 24 years.
Registration of benefits when living together with children
The registration procedure begins with receiving the title of a parent with many children. 
Certificates of the approved form are issued by municipal and district labor departments and social protection population.
To obtain a document, you must submit the following documents (copies and originals):
- about the birth of children;
- about children's disabilities;
- about studying at a university;
- a certificate about the number of registered people in one living space;
- passport;
- identification code;
- statement.
Single fathers additionally need to present a death certificate of the children's mother or documentary evidence of the mother's non-participation in raising the children.
A difficulty in registration arises when children, living with a parent, are registered in another place (with their grandparents or in donated, inherited housing).
In such cases, an act of residence signed by neighbors is required.
Having in hand a document confirming the status of having many children, a man can contact the relevant authorities:
- healthcare;
- utilities;
- municipal and district departments (financial, land, tax);
- bank branches.
A list of additional information for registration of approved regional ones is indicated when applying.
State support large families becomes more tangible. Equating the status of mother and father when raising more than 3 children helps strengthen the family and improves the situation of children in the financial, moral, and psychological state.
In a world ruled by strong and independent ladies, it is not uncommon to see women with children from their first marriages. Are men ready to take on such responsibility? Is a child from someone else a hindrance to a new happy relationship? Two real stories With different views and comments from family psychologist Natalya Lukashevskaya on the pages of VOLNA magazine.
Story #1
Gennady, 32 years old
When I started dating mine, now ex-girlfriend, I knew about the existence of a child from my first marriage. This fact didn’t bother me at all. At that time, I had no protests against other people’s children and boldly entered into such a relationship. I was very much in love with this woman.
I don’t know if I treated the child as my own, because I don’t have children and I have nothing to compare with. And my beloved tried not to let us contact often. I think that she, as a competent mother, did not deliberately bring us closer together. Her opinion, it seems to me, was that men come and go, and introducing everyone to the child is not entirely correct. Perhaps she was afraid that the child would become attached to me.
I'll be honest, children are a problem. If the ex had no one to leave the child with, then our joint trips were canceled, and we had to look for an alternative to spending time together or separately. I wanted to spend time with my beloved, but I had to go to taverns with friends.
My family and friends were very skeptical about my relationship. Mom said it would end soon. And my friends hinted and even put pressure on me as a united front for me to capitulate. Many relied on their own experience, and only now I understand how right they were.
After 1.5 years of relationship we broke up. Not because she has a child from her first marriage. But now a woman with a child is taboo for me. I decided to start a relationship only with someone who does not yet have such experience. However, if a woman has so many advantages that they will not be “crossed out” by having a child, then you can think about reconsidering your position. But I'm not sure that this can happen.
Story #2
Plato, 39 years old
She told me that my chosen one has a child from her first marriage during our acquaintance. This was said so easily and naturally, and I decided that I was unlikely to have problems with such a woman (smiles).
Two weeks after the start of our communication, I was already introduced to the baby. I will say that I did not experience any discomfort or awkwardness. I think that even the child was more unusual that my mother had me. Everything went smoothly: we played, walked together - it wasn’t particularly difficult for me to interest him, the baby easily made contact. Joint vacations, various events and trips quickly brought us closer together.
In family matters, I was used to making decisions on my own, and my relatives did not particularly oppose this union of mine. There was even a moment when my mother asked me to send him to stay with them. I think that my parents accepted my choice normally, they certainly didn’t build any barriers. Our relationship is already 6 years old, and 5 years ago we had a child together.
I don’t have such a division into “my” and “not my” child. They receive the same gifts. We also equally praise them for their merits and scold them for their misdeeds. Perhaps there is a perception inside, but I try to share love in equal proportions.
And I certainly worry when our eldest child goes away for the weekend to visit my wife’s first husband. Perhaps it's even parental jealousy. Maybe this mood is passed on to me from my wife, and I share her experiences. Or perhaps this is how my love for this little man manifests itself.
My opinion on when men date women with children, but do not bring such unions to marriage?! This means these men don’t love their women! Children are not a hindrance to relationships!
Psychologist's opinion
Lukashevskaya Natalya, psychologist, family psychologist, mediator
Modern Russian society is changing rapidly; changes affect all areas of an adult’s life. What remains unchanged is that such different men and women find each other so as not to be lonely, learn to love and be happy, form a family, become one and continue their family line. But you should not treat love as a way to get rid of problems.
Imagining themselves in a couple, each partner wants to be loved and needed, but men and women have completely different hopes and views for the future with marriage. Whether there will be development in relationships and love depends on three components: “I”, “you”, “we”. To avoid misunderstandings between partners, I propose to discuss concepts such as love, marriage, family, parenthood, and choose what is acceptable for both, and find a compromise. In order to get to know and understand each other on a psychological level, six months to a year is enough time.
But it also happens that one of the partners already had experience family life, and even he has a child. Who is more difficult in such a relationship? Will you be able to take on a new role? Why do you need this relationship? What problem do you want to solve while being with this particular partner? What need do you want to satisfy while in this relationship? Learn to be honest with yourself, then you can be honest with others.
A person is given the talent of love, and if you decide to develop this talent with this particular woman, having a child is not an obstacle. The style and content of communication with a man shape the child’s moral attitudes. Try to look at the world through the eyes of a child, because changes in his life occur regardless of his desire. Show interest and attention, try to be natural in communication. Be patient. Look for why you can love a little person. The child will definitely grow up to understand and appreciate the contribution you made.
