I quarreled with a friend about what to do. When your friends fight

At first glance, it seems that reconciliation is not difficult, but it has been proven that this is a rather difficult process.

Each of us was worried about the question: how to make peace with a friend and at the same time not humiliate yourself and preserve your previous relationship. Psychologists recommend remaining calm and showing courage. As you know, pride does not lead to anything good. Therefore, find courage and try to take the first step towards reconciliation. Forget the insult. It's not difficult if you value the person. Otherwise, it’s worth considering whether this person should be considered a friend?

This problem can only be solved by understanding the typology of conflicts. Their classification:

1. Internally (the individual cannot understand himself or make a choice);
2. Conflicts between individuals.

We will talk about the second type further. They occur when people cannot agree on interests or opinions. After all, everyone has their own special character traits. The similarity of these qualities forms the basis of strong friendship. But no two people are absolutely identical. This is why conflicts arise between close people.

If a conflict situation occurs, you need to take care of the feelings of the other. Know that your friend is also in an unpleasant situation and is worried about the quarrel that has arisen. Therefore, you are not the only one who wants to reconcile.

Try to put yourself in the shoes of a loved one. What would you do in his place? Perhaps this is what will help you take a step towards reconciliation.

In any case, take the initiative and show that your friend is dear to you. Don't be silent. Try to discuss the problem. Perhaps a misperception of the situation caused the conflict. Remember that there is no time to waste. After all, the further you go, the more your feelings will cool down. If a person is dear to you, then immediately try to reconcile with him. And he will be pleased that you value your friendship.

Learn to find compromises. This way you can avoid many confusions. Be prepared for the fact that the first attempts at reconciliation may be unsuccessful. Don't despair. Try again.

There are conflicts that destroy friendship forever or for a long time. Unfortunately, in such situations it is almost impossible or very difficult to regain trust in each other. Therefore, there is no need to aggravate the problem. Accept it, discuss everything and remain friends. Strong friendships that were previously only possible over time. Therefore, do not rush things, otherwise you may lose a loved one forever.

Every individual should know that the main thing in human relationships is mutual understanding and support. It is worth respecting the opinions of others, giving a person personal freedom of choice and not trying to impose your opinion on him. Remember that everyone has their own characteristics. There are no identical personalities.

And always remember these important words: the one who truly values ​​it will be the first to ask for forgiveness! Therefore, throw away your pride and go to meet to a loved one. Loneliness has never made anyone happy!

Friendship is a close relationship based on mutual assistance, affection, common interests, tastes, views, and life goals. This is an active interest in each other. It is difficult to live in the world without friends these days.

At all times, friendship was considered a great value. Among the Scythians, it was tested with blood. Friendship was secured by a special agreement and an oath: having cut their fingers, the brothers touched each other and thus united this blood. After that, nothing could separate them. In the Middle Ages, friendship was the embodiment of nobility and loyalty. Knightly morality placed male friendship even above love and family.

Society, friendship and brotherhood, based not on family ties, but on the kinship of thoughts, goals, and actions - this is a great strength. Friendship ennobles lives.

Everyone understands friendship in their own way. Most of you will agree with the opinion that happiness is when you are understood, and therefore everyone constantly strives to find a friend who would understand, listen and support, who would become your mirror or double, your second “I”. Friendship often helps a person change for the better; a friend should have a positive influence on the other.

However, conflicts often occur between friends. It is especially unpleasant if a quarrel has occurred. Breaking up a relationship with a close friend is not easy to survive, and making peace with him can sometimes be very difficult. In this case, you need to decide what you will do next - come to terms with the loss of your friend or try to regain his affection. This can be done using several steps:

Determine the true cause of the quarrel

Perhaps you somehow (even unconsciously) offended your friend. If in a relationship you are too focused on yourself and do not give your friend the attention and support he deserves, this could very well lead to a quarrel. Or maybe the quarrel occurred because of your unwillingness to take into account the opinion of your friend. Try to discuss the current situation with him and agree not to repeat your mistakes in the future.

Give each other time to think about the situation

If your friend absolutely does not want to reconnect with you, wait a couple of weeks and then try to improve the relationship again. Ask for forgiveness, explain to your friend how much you miss him. Perhaps during this time he himself managed to miss you.

Manage to end the relationship with dignity

If your ex-friend is still determined to stop communicating, then you should think: perhaps your relationship has really exhausted itself? After all, if a person whom you considered close is not ready to meet you halfway, does not feel the need for your company, then he was not a true friend to you. Try to end this relationship in a good way and find yourself a new, truly faithful friend.

To make it easier to come to terms with a breakup, psychologists in such cases advise a few simple steps:

1. First of all, don't panic. Just because there was a misunderstanding between you does not mean that your friendship was not real. Do not make premature conclusions that the world is cruel and unfair.
2. Don't even think about taking revenge. After this you will not be able to respect yourself.
3. Don't be afraid to be alone, this is a temporary condition.
4. Never idealize people again, learn to perceive them with all their weaknesses and shortcomings.
5. Do not discuss your ex-friend with others - this will show you as an unprincipled talker.

Female friendship is a fertile topic for numerous articles, films and talk shows. Most people are skeptical about it, believing that friendly relations between women can end in one moment - even the most trivial quarrel is enough to break out. Is this true? Let's find out from the women themselves. What can put an end to even the most strong friendship, and is it possible to try to avoid problems?

The first reason is envy

Anna : " Katya and I have been friends since 1st grade. As they sat together at the same desk, they stayed there for all 11 years, and then they also entered the same university. In her second year, Katya got married, went to part-time study, and had a child. I graduated from university and found good job in the bank, my career was developing. Business trips, seminars, trainings, meetings with people - all this was an element that I absolutely loved. From any trip I tried to bring Katya a souvenir, a gift, straight from the train or plane I went to her - to tell her what I saw, found out, who I met. And if at first she listened to me with interest, then recently she began to rudely interrupt or refuse meetings altogether. The reason was revealed by a friend’s mother - Katya was jealous. At the age of 26, her life revolved around her husband and child, all she saw was cooking, washing, cleaning...»

Envy is the leader of the rating. It is she who is the main destroyer of any relationship, but especially - female friendship. In male friendship, this caustic feeling is unlikely to be able to make a hole; rather, it can become an impetus for creation, an attempt to surpass, since men are characterized by “competition.” She will bury the relationship between her friends, because being jealous of her friend, a woman would rather simply stop communicating with her than try to act and create something “her own and better.” Any fact can cause envy - from buying a new dress or going on vacation to successful career and good luck on the personal front.

What to do if friendship is dear: there are no options but to fight envy. If you are the one who is jealous, sit down and take your time to analyze why your friend is doing well. Perhaps she is more hardworking, persistent, more purposeful than you? Then it makes sense to cultivate these qualities in yourself, set your goals and achieve them. If they envy you, then you need to talk to your friend. Perhaps, behind your successes, you do not notice that she desperately needs help.

The second reason is jealousy

Lera: " I dated Vovka for five years. And all this time my bosom friend Tanya was itching that we weren’t a couple. Tanya didn’t like everything about him – his appearance, manners, and character. At first I tried to explain to her that he was different, and Vovka peacefully tolerated all her nagging. Then I simply stopped paying attention to her words, trying to make them less common. This probably helped, because at our wedding she was Miss Benevolence herself - she told me and the groom a lot nice words, and at the end she even apologized for her behavior».

A woman’s friendship, even the most long-standing and strong one, can be put to an end by a man at one moment. Moreover, this situation may have several options: both girlfriends liked the man, or one of the friends liked it, but the second one is categorically annoyed, the man is annoyed by one of the friends. As a rule, a man never becomes a victim of such dramatic “triangles,” but one of his friends easily does.

What to do if friendship is dear: giving any specific advice in such cases is not easy. Perhaps a man can resolve this situation by making his choice in favor of one of the women. Perhaps you will have to somehow make sure that your betrothed and dear friend simply do not intersect, so that once again do not give rise to conflicts involving them. Or maybe you will turn out to be a flexible diplomat and settle everything through negotiations.

Reason three – friendship “for three”

Irina : " At the university, the three of us were friends - me, Nastya, and Alena. Only I was a “local”, and the girls were newcomers, living in a student dorm. But this never bothered us. In my fifth year, for some reason they suddenly began to move away from me, rarely came to visit, and stayed away from me in classes. They answered my questions evasively - they say, we live in different parts of the city... It turned out that Alena, for some unknown reason, decided that I wanted to invite Nastya to live in our apartment and, offended, decided to “tear” her friend away from me. I'm glad that we had enough sense to sit down and clarify the situation, and not cut off our friendship in the heat of the moment».

In such a situation, jealousy is also a reason for quarrels, but there is no smell of a man here. As a rule, another friend becomes a “stumbling block”. After all, the format of female friendship is not necessarily two friends. There may be three or four of them (as in beloved TV series like Desperate Housewives). And one day someone will definitely dream that the others are “more friendly” - they meet more often, call each other, etc.

What to do if friendship is valuable: in order to avoid such scenarios, you need to make sure that none of your friends feels deprived of your attention. Spend your free time with both friends, don't keep secrets with one behind the other's back, and give them equal attention.

Reason four - different character or interests

Victoria : " By character, Anka and I are like fire and ice. I am calm and balanced, Anya is expressive, with a violent temperament. We have not been friends for long, maybe three years, but at first the difference in character did not scare us - we got along well and complemented each other. But lately it’s becoming more and more difficult for me to bear Anya’s super-emotions - they suppress me and irritate me. Anya is increasingly trying to “explode” my peace of mind and change my perception of life. And it’s already reaching outright quarrels. Attempts to explain that this is not in my character do not bother her. I don’t want to change myself, I simply won’t change my friend, there is only one way out - probably the best thing to do is stop communicating... »

They say that opposites attract, and differences in personalities, views and interests can become the cementing foundation for strong and long term relationship. But this is only possible if both parties are ready to accept and understand this difference, respect not only their own opinions and hobbies, and learn something new from each other. Otherwise, quarrels based on differences of interests cannot be avoided. Especially if one of the friends tries in every possible way to “re-educate” the other, impose her opinion, try to act as an omniscient critic.

What to do if friendship is dear: remember the good old advice - treat people the way you want them to treat you. Accept close friends as they are - with all their hobbies, strengths and weaknesses. If you are not satisfied with something, try to convey your opinion in a reasoned and calm manner, under no circumstances putting on a pose or expressing your wishes in a mentoring tone.

Reason five - finances

Julia : " I am a designer, my friend Dasha is a teacher junior classes. I work a lot because I can’t afford to “stand idle” without doing anything, but my earnings, unlike Dasha’s, are many times greater. A friend often takes advantage of this - she asks for a ride “before payday.” And everything would be fine, but he doesn’t always repay the debt. Of course, if I persistently ask, she gives it, but at the same time she puts on such a face that I feel terribly uncomfortable - as if I’m taking away the last thing from her. She has already sworn a hundred times not to lend her money anymore, but she always finds good reasons - either she is sick, or her mother is sick. Well, how can you refuse such trouble?».

If you want to lose a friend, lend him a loan, says a well-known saying. Indeed, financial issues are often the cause of serious disagreements between loved ones. Moreover, not only carelessness in debt obligations (untimely payment of debt or repayment of not the entire amount) can cause acute displeasure. There are frequent cases when a girl openly takes advantage of her friend’s higher financial status. For example, she takes for granted situations when she pays bills for her in a cafe, spending on walks together and even while shopping, citing the fact that “she earns more.”

What to do if friendship is important: when lending money to a friend, clearly define the terms and amount of repayment, especially if she plans to pay it back in parts. Don’t throw around phrases like “you’ll give it back when you can”, “I’m not in a hurry”, otherwise such situations cannot be avoided. If you notice that a friend is abusing your kindness financially, explain to her that money does not fall from the sky, it is payment for your work, knowledge, and qualifications. In this case, offer her entertainment within her means, so as not to put either yourself or her in a difficult situation. Don’t be afraid to offend your friend by doing so, because she offends you much more with her behavior, doesn’t she? Well, if he doesn’t understand, then maybe it’s not worth wasting your time and life on such a relationship?

When two of your friends argue with each other, they put you in an awkward position. Most likely, you are already tired of listening to their complaints about each other and endless arguments. If you want to reconcile your friends, there are several ways you can try. For example, you can simply listen to an argument between friends as a mediator - let them talk, but you are not obliged to take sides.

Steps

Get into the details

Listen to each of your friends . The best thing you can do for each of your friends is to listen to each of them's version. Talk to them separately, help them express their feelings, and this way you can understand the reason for the quarrel if you don’t already know about it. Ask your friends to explain to you why they had a fight.

1. To find out what's going on, ask questions. If your friend doesn’t really want to share with you, you will have to ask him a few questions to “talk” him. Ask open-ended questions to help your friend start a story. Open questions are those questions that cannot be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.”

   • For example, you can ask something like this: “What happened between you and Dima the next day?” or: “I think you're upset. What's happening?"
   • You may need to ask a question or two to help them open up. But as soon as your interlocutor begins his story, do not interrupt him.

2. If something is unclear to you or is not true, clarify this point. Since you can look at the situation from the outside, you will be able to understand what exactly does not correspond to your vision. This is especially useful if the argument started over some gossip. If you have information that will help improve the situation or influence the conversation, please share it.

   • For example, if one of your friends is angry at another because he thinks that he was talking bad things behind his back, and you know that this is not true at all, simply say something like: “No, someone just started this stupid hearing. I was there at that moment and I know that he didn’t say anything.”

3. Keep the information you hear to yourself. After talking to each of your friends one-on-one, you may feel a strong urge to tell each of them what you now know. But remember that this is a bad idea! Your friends shared their feelings and views with you in confidence. Therefore, you should not tell someone else what you have just learned, especially if you do not have your friend’s permission to do so.

   Be a mediator

   1. Choose a time and place to meet. If you are planning a serious conversation, it is best to do it in some quiet place with few distractions. Neutral territory is best. There is no need to invite one friend to visit another. Find some quiet place outside or make an appointment at a cafe.

      • Make sure they understand that you want to meet with them. You might say something like, “I've heard both sides of this story. I think if you both sit down and share your feelings with each other, you can come to general decision. If you want, I will become a mediator."

   2. Make sure both of your friends are positive. If your friends have not yet emotionally recovered from this quarrel, it is unlikely that you will be able to resolve this conflict now. Try to make sure that each of them is in a good mood.

      • For example, invite friends to listen to their favorite “happy” song before a meeting, or ask each of them to breathe deeply for at least 5-10 minutes to collect their thoughts.

   3. Ask your friends to use “I” clauses in conversation. This method helps two people who have had a fight find common ground, and also reduces the likelihood of a new dispute arising. Sentences starting with the word “you,” on the contrary, will create an aggressive mood in the interlocutor.

      • For example, if one of your friends says, “You make me feel bad about myself!”, then another may defend himself against this statement. Thus, a cycle of accusations and defense will begin, which will definitely lead nowhere.
      • Instead, your friend might say something like, “I get upset when you criticize my clothes.” Such a statement puts emphasis on how the speaker feels about what the friend said to him.
      • Talk to your friends about why it's important to use I-clauses in discussions, and encourage them to structure their conversations that way. If you notice that one of your friends uses “you-clauses” in conversation, gently correct him or her. Ask something like, “How does this make you feel?”

   4. If a new conflict arises, help resolve it. If your friends start arguing and fighting right in front of you, you need to help defuse the situation. Don't let the quarrel continue! For example, if friends start raising their voices at each other, suggest taking a time out or a 15-minute break to cool down.

      • If your friends can't sit down and solve this problem without getting into an argument, you'll likely have to ask an adult to mediate. Ask a parent or teacher if he or she can act as a mediator.

   5. If something is not clear to you, ask your friends. Let friends ask each other questions during conversation. Perhaps the quarrel was caused by some kind of misunderstanding or happened by mistake. Asking questions is very helpful.

      • For example, if one friend thinks that the other friend intentionally abandoned him somewhere, and the first friend says that he thought that the second friend already had plans, then this information is very important.
      • If you know there is a misunderstanding, you can gently suggest to one friend to ask another friend about it. Try saying something like: “Do you want to ask Sasha why she didn’t invite you to the movies this weekend?”

   6. See if your friends are ready to make peace. Once they have talked and shared their feelings and plans, they will be ready to apologize and forgive each other. However, don't try to rush them. If friends feel ready to forgive each other, they will do so.

      • Ask something like, "Do you feel better now that you've talked?"
      • If your friends are still upset and offended by each other, and are not ready to forgive and move on, let everyone do what they want. Of course, it depends on the situation that happened between them, but they could just stop communicating for a while.

   7. Find a way to prevent this problem. To help your friends communicate and be friends in the future, try to find a solution that would help prevent them from fighting. Discuss with your friends how you could put this into practice. This can be brought to life by establishing some new rule or ban on some action.

      • For example, if one of your friends is upset because another friend couldn't go to the movies with him this weekend, then that friend should send an SMS saying that he won't be able to meet, even if he thinks that the first friend there are plans.

   Be a neutral party

   1. • You also need to immediately inform your friends that you will not try to reconcile and support them if they start quarreling again and saying nasty things about each other. Your goal is to help them resolve this conflict, and not to become real enemies.

   2. You should not give advice unless asked for it. This may seem counterintuitive to you, but it is best to refrain from giving recommendations and advice. It's not that they might be useless, it's just that your friends have to figure out a solution on their own. You should be there to support them, but you can't push a solution under their nose.

      • Instead of giving your friends advice, ask more questions. For example, if you realize that one of your friends is unable to understand the point of view of another friend, ask leading questions that will help one interlocutor understand the point of view of the other interlocutor.
      • Keep in mind that if you give advice that ultimately doesn't help and only makes the situation worse, your friends may blame you for it.
      • If you feel the need to give advice, ask first. You should not give advice and recommendations when you are not asked for it. Perhaps your friend already knows exactly what he will do about this situation, and he just needs support, not advice.

   Warnings

   • It is very important for parents and teachers, as well as just friends, to understand at what point a quarrel or fight between children or adolescents escalates into danger, which can manifest itself in the form of serious harm to health, sexual harassment or bullying. The fact is that in such serious conflicts it will be much more difficult to find a solution than in an ordinary quarrel between friends. If you think one friend is bullying another, talk to your teacher or parents about it.

A quarrel is a small war. It is logical that war is a large-scale quarrel. There is no person in the world who would speak favorably of military actions. Perhaps an oligarch profiting from militarization. And who benefits from a quarrel between two people? Only to their enemies.

In the Croatian dialect there are words “osoran, osoriv”, which denote a hot-tempered, rude and arrogant person. At the same time in Latin a similar-sounding word means “conversation, conversation.”

Researchers of Slavic languages ​​put into the meaning of the prefix “C” the concept of Demolition, Drain, Reset, that is, lowering from Top to bottom, and even Freedom from something. But from what? What do people who get into conflict lose? The second part of the word “sora” answers this. For the Slavs, this is rubbish, dirt, squabbles, slop.

It turns out that quarreling people throw slop and dirt at each other. Indeed, everyone is familiar with this feeling of being dirty, of annoyance from having blackened one’s soul, especially if one has quarreled with a friend.

Quarrel-action

Audit of the soul

Sometimes it happens that a storm of quarrel will shake the soul and remove all the accumulated dirt from it. Secret dark thoughts, hidden in the corners of the mind behind feigned smiles, will suddenly all jump out to universal condemnation. This also happens.

Without allegories, one can imagine such a development of the plot.
There lived two friends. They respected and loved each other, communicated affably, and helped in difficulties. Life, alas, is not always smooth; there are no conflicts. Friends quarreled.

One seems to speak to the point, and the other, more emotional, suddenly breaks loose and shows his true feelings to his opponent. Dirt, insults and hidden resentment flow in thick streams.

The second one can also pour out his slops if he has accumulated them too.
Was there friendship? This is where you start to think about what is better: to live without testing quarrels and somehow be friends, or to find out the secrets of the soul of a former friend and go your separate ways.

Struggle between authorities

A quarrel is a conflict of opinions, severe rejection of the views of another person. It is tough, intolerant, built on hidden self-doubt. Just because you respect your friend, because his positive opinion is important to you, you will foam at the mouth to prove that you are right until you quarrel.

It's easy to help with this problem. Let at least one of you offer to remain unconvinced. It’s stupid to quarrel because someone doesn’t support Dynamo, and someone doesn’t like milk.

Why is it dangerous to quarrel with friends?

US scientists (University of California) conducted an experiment on 122 boys and girls, to whom they convincingly proved that it is dangerous to quarrel with friends. Over the course of several weeks, they regularly measured the amount of proteins released into the blood, which is an indicator of inflammatory processes in the body.

It turned out that on days when the guys quarreled with friends, this figure increased sharply. This means that the risk of developing depression, cancer and cardiovascular diseases increased. Friendship has been proven to be a factor in physical health.

If we recall the well-known epicrisis “all diseases are from nerves”, such a conclusion of Californian scientists will not seem surprising at all. Any normal person, having quarreled with someone who is dear to him, he will experience the loss. And any negative feelings have a bad effect on the biological organism.

Why do we conflict

Irritation, bad mood

You are very tired, you have a headache and want to eat. You are an intelligent person and, of course, you won’t yell at the cleaning lady, much less send the boss or even kick the kitten. You spend a long time, holding back your irritation, eating in public transport, and here he is your friend. He should understand how bad you feel and sympathize with you.

But no, he, just like a kitten, does not notice anything, and for this all the accumulated mental garbage falls on the head of an unsuspecting friend. Mud tornado doubles if it comes to you with the same problems.

You yourself know how to prevent such a quarrel. You need to listen to your friends' feelings and not use them like a trash can, 100%. You can only do it halfway, and then carefully. At the same time, realizing that you are also his friend, which means you will have to be a vest someday.

Rivalry

As in any couple, between friends there is always one who is a little more authoritative: smarter, stronger, more beautiful, older or simply more cunning. This does not increase the feeling of rivalry, but, on the contrary, helps to extinguish conflicts. The main friend always feels responsible.

However, even in the most ideal relationships things are not always smooth sailing. And it doesn’t matter what you suddenly have to share: one scoop in the sandbox or beautiful girl in the club.

Such quarrels are inevitable, but they always quickly become obsolete. True friendship will never fall apart because of some external trifle.

Friend fell in love

If not a trifle, but true love?! What if a boyfriend or girlfriend fell in love? Well, then we can only rely on folk wisdom: to understand means to forgive. And remain friends. Because if you are offended by a friend because he spends more time with his loved one and not with you, then it will become very similar to jealousy.

Such feelings can be compared to a mother-in-law’s rejection of a young daughter-in-law. It seems that he wants happiness for his son, and he cannot let go of his only one.

These soul-rending experiences are explained by elementary selfishness. A person wants happiness for himself, and not for another (son, friend), supposedly loved one. This quarrel is also resolved by reconciliation. The three of us can be friends!

Afterword

Having been born and continuing to live, each of us acquires many connections with the world:

1. Parents' house- a nest from which we fly, every moment feeling its invisible support behind our shoulders. May God grant that this support inspires us for as long as possible.
2. Family- love for a man or woman and love for children.
3. Friendship.

Our whole life, happiness, well-being, just a sense of completeness, rests firmly on these three pillars. Nobody argues that you can balance for a long time on two or even one, but it costs too much.

Life is unpredictable. Sometimes the most unexpected turns happen in it. Without begging the price of the first two supports, do not lose the third. Don't quarrel with your friends forever.

Video: How to make peace with a friend