Firstly, because you are asking this question. This means that the man did not give you confidence - his supposedly most beloved woman in the world. No, he made a lot of words and promises and even gave ironclad explanations as to why he was still there, but you still doubt it.
Secondly, men and women initially have different goals. It happens that a married man actually falls in love, but the last thing he wants is to ruin his usual life. If he falls in love (and not just has an affair) with another woman, he himself is not happy, because it causes a lot of trouble and discomfort. And all he dreams of in such a situation is that the affair with you goes without inconvenience. That is, he initially does not want to leave. Imagine yourself in this situation - you are married, have children, and then someone else blows your mind. You wouldn't want that in your life. And if this really happened and they fell in love, then they would try to get off with little bloodshed - that is, sleep several times, enjoy the new relationship and hope that they will let you go. It's the same for men. Whether his family is good or bad, suits him or not, likes or dislikes - this is all secondary. Everything is clearly outlined in his head (although he can say with a sad look that he is completely confused) - the wife has her own role, the mistress has her own. And his dream is for everything to remain unchanged. Hence the reasons for the suffering of all mistresses - they do not understand How can you avoid leaving your unloved wife for the woman you love?. How can you call at 2 am and die of love, run to look for strawberries in the middle of winter and go back to the hated house.
Thirdly, you yourself missed the moment. The phrase “don’t mess with a married man” can be taken not only in a moral context, but also literally, placing emphasis on the words “don’t mess with.” That is, don’t get involved, don’t give in, and don’t give up. No, you can even sleep, but all your behavior should indicate that you are free from your feelings for him and do not demand anything. And in general, you need a serious relationship, so with him it’s like that, for a couple of times. He's married. And then, at the very peak of feelings, there is a chance that he will “forge while it’s hot” and pack his things to move in with you. But usually this doesn’t happen, because you have different goals - to take you away from your wife, and to leave everything as it is for him. Therefore, the man preemptively lies on his ears about love and how he will get a divorce, so that the girl will melt and give herself to him. Well, then you don’t have to stress anymore. Bird in a cage. The bird faithfully awaits his calls and visits and plaintively asks (or furiously demands) to stay with her forever. Why does he need it? She’s already given up and isn’t going anywhere.
Fourthly, you need to remember - men are not women. Even if he doesn’t love his wife, got married on the fly, was disappointed in her... - tell me what else they usually say - this does not mean that love is generally a priority for him. Yes, he doesn’t love his wife, but he loves you. But this is not a reason for divorce for him. These are women running, dropping their slippers, to their beloved. Men don't do this every time. Family is family, love is love. Flies from cutlets separately. If this were not so, he would not have lived with his unloved wife. Neither for the sake of the children, nor for himself.
Fifthly, a man does not start a relationship with his mistress in order to change her for a wife. The role of a mistress is to remain a connection on the side, and not to take a place nearby. But what about those who leave their wives and marry a second time, you ask? They don't go to their mistresses. They leave their wife. Do you feel the difference? If a girl initially found herself in the status of a mistress, then she should stay there. Unless something happens in his family that forces him to leave. But it will be THERE, a decision made as a result of his relationship with his wife, and not because of love for his mistress. And those who leave leave immediately. There is not a single circumstance that could prevent a man from leaving his family if he decides to do so. If such circumstances do exist, these are fairy tales for lovers. If it is difficult for a man to leave the friend zone, then it is almost impossible for a woman to leave the role of a mistress.
Sixth, take the information literally, without subtext or hidden meaning. If a man says that you understand him in a way that his wife has never tried (“Margo, you are the only woman who understands me” (c)), then this means exactly what he said - that you have a rare mutual understanding. And period. This does not mean that he feels bad with his wife, that he does not love her and wants to be with you. This means one wave. That's all. The same thing with the phrase “I have never felt so good with anyone,” “I have never been so happy.” Yes, you really are just great. But it doesn't mean anything other than that.
What about love? The love that he talks about with a sigh and proves with all his actions (except for divorce cough-cough), the love that makes him write crazy SMS and be jealous of every post? I have already written several times before - love can be very different, and everyone has their own attitude towards this feeling. Not to mention the fact that a person can think that he loves, but in fact be mistaken, mistaking passion, infatuation, or strong infatuation for love.
And now I want to invite you to play detective and, based on the available facts, determine How will the relationship between a man and his mistress end?. The story was taken from an anonymous forum. So, a man and a woman met, both married, both with children. And they became lovers. The man talks about unearthly love, that he does not love his wife and has never loved him, and lives for the sake of the child. But he will still leave his wife and even sets specific deadlines - when the country house he is building especially for his daughter will be completed and will be registered on 
her name. He spends a lot of time with his mistress, stays overnight, answers the phone at any time, and can call himself at night. He talks to his wife in front of his mistress and sharply replies that everything is over between them and that she should leave him alone. He doesn’t sleep with his wife; as evidence, he shows his mistress an SMS from her: “Are you really that comfortable without sex? Maybe we can resume our relationship or at least sleep together?” As a result, the mistress divorced her husband, went to an apartment rented by her lover, and is waiting for him to sort out his affairs and the divorce. In the comments, absolutely everyone is convinced that the man will not get a divorce. Moreover, the wife doesn’t even know about her mistress. Explain why?
- If a man decides to leave, he leaves. No circumstances will stop him. Especially something as stupid as building a house. What prevents him from building this house while living with his mistress? Absolutely nothing. How does living under the same roof with your wife speed up its construction?
- A man sees that his beloved woman has left her husband, i.e. I left my family and child for him. But he, in turn, did not do this.
- The fact that he spends a lot of time with his mistress and even spends the night with her and celebrates holidays is not an indicator. This is an indicator of a crisis in relations with his wife. But not that he will divorce this wife.
- Read carefully the SMS from your wife - “are you really comfortable without sex?” This clearly shows that the wife is not aware of the presence of a mistress. Otherwise, she would have known that her husband was having sex. And everything is quite comfortable for him.
- Judging by the story, everything is really very bad in the man’s family. And yet he is in no hurry to get a divorce. Therefore, family for him is something different than love with his wife. This means his love for his mistress will not be a reason for leaving.
- In the comments, the mistress wrote that she was already in the hospital with a nervous breakdown. That is, it turns out that for a man, life with an unloved wife, their bad relationship and lack of sex are still a priority than the peace of mind of his mistress.
And there are tons of such stories. You say - but many leaving their wives for mistresses. Of course they leave. They pack their things and leave. And all issues are already being resolved from the new place of residence. Or they pull and pull, but only leave when their wives have already kicked out. Well, or the third option - men for whom everything is easy - they easily created a family, left it and went to their mistress. And then just as easily he moved on. The second wives of such men very often write, “We lived in perfect harmony for 9 years, and now he’s gone.” Because for the majority of at least somewhat responsible men, the loss of a family (no matter what the relationship with his wife is) is a drama, a nuisance or just “hemorrhoids” (depending on the level of the man himself) and they do everything to avoid it. And not even because he is such an exemplary family man - it’s a question of his personal comfort. And this comfort is that everything remains unchanged.
And, in some cases, a woman is even ready to come to terms with the fact that her husband has a mistress, as long as he does not leave the family. In general, men themselves quite rarely leave their wives for their mistresses. But, still, sometimes they leave. And then we will talk about what can keep men from taking this step and why some men, after all, can go to their mistresses.
Why do men rarely leave for their mistresses?
On the one hand, yes, why don’t they leave? After all, a mistress is more interesting than a wife, looks better, and does not create family quarrels. And they no longer shine with their sparkle, but with a mistress it’s a different matter. In her short black dress - she's just fire! Passion itself!
But, on the other hand, it is not so simple. This is one of those cases where it's easier said than done. In the article "" we talked about the fact that changing our usual way of life is stressful for our brain.
Our brain remembers many actions that we perform repeatedly and turns them into habits. Because it’s easier to act this way, we perform these actions, as they say, automatically and do not overload the brain. Our behavior is also remembered, i.e. the habit of behaving, our responsibilities in the family, which we also perform automatically.
What keeps men in a family from leaving for another?
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1. Habit. Family is a habit. And our actions in the family are all familiar and, often, we carry out them without thinking. When a man leaves his family for his mistress, his habits change, his behavior changes, his whole way of life changes with a new person. And the brain “doesn’t like it”, because now it has a lot of work to do to remember new habits and put them “on automatic”. And it doesn’t matter to our brain whether these changes are caused by positive or negative events. In any case, this is a huge stress for him.
There is such a philosophical expression, very accurate: “If you sow a habit, you will reap a character. If you sow a character, you will reap a destiny.” That is, changing your habits is tantamount to changing your destiny. And this is true. This is why it is psychologically difficult for many, many men to leave their wife for their mistress.
In addition, an interesting fact is that the mistress itself becomes a habit over time. And not just a habit, but one of the family habits of a married man. Paradoxical? Maybe. But this is a fact. A married man is used to both his family and his mistress. And he subconsciously associates his mistress as some kind of addition to his family life and periodically walks from the family (wife) to his mistress.
That is why many husbands, in the event of a divorce from their wife, leave their mistresses. Because there is no family anymore, there is no wife, there is no one to go to see his mistress, all previous habits are crumbling. Including the habit of visiting his mistress. The love triangle is broken.
It is often difficult to understand why this happens. And, precisely because a mistress is associated as a habit associated specifically with the family. And if a man did not leave his wife for his mistress in the first year from the moment they met, then he is unlikely to do this, and the mistress herself will soon become just a habit.
The theme of a mature man and a young lover is well revealed by Valery Kuras' song - "Student Girl". The song talks about how a young student decided to take her teacher away from her family. Like, I’m all out of myself and I’ll take him away from the family in no time. But, as it turned out, she was in vain hoping to win easily. And, in general, I was in vain hoping for victory. And soon it becomes clear:
He's much older, he has a family,
Yes, your youth turns him on for now,
But he doesn't want problems...
Habit is the most important, most powerful factor that holds you back. Many other reasons, in fact, hide a habit behind them. Of course, habits come over time. It takes at least several years to form them. Therefore, this factor is applicable only to old-timer families. Young husbands' habits have not yet become stronger. But young men rarely have permanent mistresses. Therefore, young families, as a rule, have completely different problems.
2. Children. In the article "" we wrote that children cannot live if the spouses are fed up with each other. If it doesn’t work out, the children won’t help, even if their parents love them very much. Really, how will children do this? But no way. This can be done by the parents themselves, if they find a common language with each other, not by the children.
But, they may well become a deterrent factor from a man leaving for another woman. Almost always, men love their sons and daughters and are aware of their own. Especially if the relationship with your wife is not bad (and most often, it is). If there is a child in the family, and, moreover, two or even three children, then it is stupid to believe that a man will leave these people close to him and go to his mistress, with whom it is not yet clear how the relationship will develop. And even if his mistress is pregnant from him, this can change little. Few men will leave even for a pregnant mistress.
These are, perhaps, all the main factors that keep a man in the family. Not enough, you say? Maybe. But they are very powerful. Especially, habit. Don't agree? Then remember what habits you have. You've probably tried to get rid of some of them. Was it successful? Perhaps not. But even if you succeeded, was it difficult? It's probably hard. Especially if the habit is already old.
And a man in a family has dozens of different family habits, very strong ones. And it’s the same for women in the family. And it is impossible to take and overcome them all. That is why only every fifteenth man leaves for his mistresses. And even children, the second limiting factor is a kind of habit. We get used to husbands, wives and children. This is why parents worry when their children leave home. Yes! Parents worry not only about their children (although about them too), but they also worry about themselves, because without children their HUMAN way of life changes. But not all parents realize this.
Besides these reasons, of course, there are other, smaller ones. Auxiliary, so to speak. This is a division of property, you have to divide all sorts of cars with apartments, but you don’t want to do that. If you have children, you will have to pay child support, and this is a significant part of the salary. In addition, useful relationships can be established, and losing them is not at all profitable. And other reasons that “tie” a man to his family with additional strings.
For what reasons can a man leave his wife for his mistress?
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So, we figured out what keeps a man in the family and prevents him from leaving for his mistress. The habit of family, wife and children. But why do some husbands still leave for their mistresses? These restraining factors also affect them. Let's look at this issue.
1. A man’s habit of family is poorly developed. If a man is “not accustomed enough” to a family, then he can go to his mistress. In what cases can this happen? This can happen when a man lives separately from his family for a long time for some reason and spends much less time in the family than outside it.
For example, he works on a rotational basis. Or a sailor. Or a truck driver, flight attendant, train driver, astronaut, in the end. Why not? They are in space for six months, and the wife is on the ground. Is it funny? Maybe. But we know of cases when a husband took a mistress at a new place of work. And then he went to her, because he spent much more time with her than at home.
Of course, an astronaut will not find a mistress at the orbital station, but an oil worker or a geologist may be on shift for several months. And live with his mistress. And then he will be too lazy to go home. He's used to it there. And we know such cases.
2. The relationship between husband and wife has been very bad for a long time. Frequent, there is no love between spouses for a long time. And the marriage is literally hanging by a thread; divorce has been threatening the family for many years. The decision to divorce has already been made, but neither side dares to take the final step. And so, the husband finds himself a mistress. She becomes this final step. The man needed one last excuse, and he found one for himself.
3. The appearance of the mistress is similar to the appearance of the wife. Especially if the mistress is much younger and resembles a young wife. This is a dangerous call for wives. Because if anyone manages to take a man away from a normal family, then, for the most part, it is women who look like the wives of their lovers.
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Especially if the mistress is superior to the wife in some way. For example, more passionate or more attentive and understanding, or more intellectually developed and an excellent conversationalist. Therefore, in this case, if the wife wants to save the marriage, then she needs to act. Of course, it is difficult to understand what exactly a mistress brings into your husband’s life. But this can be found out in casual conversations, unobtrusively asking leading questions about what he lacks, what he wants to bring into family life, what should be improved in relationships, etc.
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A girl I know is dating a married man. He is good-looking, witty, charismatic and wealthy enough to satisfy a girl's basic needs. But, as you know, the main basic need of a person is not material at all. I want not only carnal love and sweet words, but something more tangible, besides promises to definitely spend the night from Thursday to Friday together. He lies to his wife about a business trip and arrives with a real leather suitcase on wheels to go on a business trip for the whole evening, night and even part of the morning to the girl’s address. All this time he walks around her apartment with a towel on his hips, like Apollo, well, definitely Apollo. Passing by a large mirror in the hallway, he stops and flexes his muscles, pleased with himself. Everything suits him. He likes the way he has cleverly organized his life.
Once upon a time this was enough for her. She lived only from Friday until the following Thursday evening. The rest of the time I waited, anticipated, prepared. I bought new underwear. Perfume with pheromones. I prepared a seven-course dinner. She thought that all her efforts would not go unnoticed and that a man would one day get down on one knee, or simply tell her the great news over a cup of tea: “Darling, now we will always be together, I’m divorced, marry me...”
In her fantasies, she had already come up with a lot of options for him for his solemn speech. And each time, plunging into dreams, these speeches were more and more refined and beautiful. There were no speeches in life. There was a lot of humor in life, good sex, about the same compliments and... nothing! As if that's how it should be! As soon as she even tried to hint that she would now ask the question: “What’s next?”, her beloved seemed to have a presentiment of this and cleverly used some kind of distracting maneuver. Suddenly he asked when she would pay the rent and if she needed help. Of course I need it, oh thank you, you are the best!
Everything was obvious, but not obvious.
Do you love me even a little? - she asked.
Of course, dear! Are words really needed for this? You are the coolest! I just adore you! - he said. - And you me?
Do you need words for this? - she said sarcastically. He laughed and kissed back.
What do you think he thinks of me? - she interrogated her best friend, who had seen them together more than once.
Honestly? - asked a friend. Then she squinted and shot straight into the heart: “He’s using you, living his second youth with you.” And he will never leave his family; everything suits him. Why change anything? Did he promise you anything?
Yes. We are planning to go to Bali together, I don’t know when yet.
Well, this is the maximum you can count on.
You don't see what I see! - the girl was very upset, offended by her friend and... went to a psychologist.
Photo by Wundervisuals/ E+/ Getty Images
The psychologist said that a mistress is a crutch for the relationship between husband and wife. That in fact he simply fulfills with her those deficits that his wife lacks, and thus he has no complaints against his wife, and everything is smooth and wonderful with them. And it turns out that she serves both him and his wife, and the safety of their marriage. That if it weren't for her, the marriage might have fallen apart. And so she is practically a sister of mercy, investing her energy and youth in someone else’s family, which only becomes stronger and more prosperous. Here's a new twist! The psychologist offered to figure out why the girl needs this, to support someone else’s family, where she got such a scenario from, what are the secondary benefits in her position as a secret mistress. But the comparison with a crutch was enough for the girl.
What a fool! - said the girl, leaving the psychologist after the session. I called a friend, just a friend, a former classmate and cried. And she began to complain to him about all the men, all the psychologists and all her girlfriends. A friend suggested we meet. He gave the girl a cappuccino, listened, listened, and then said:
You're just having an existential crisis.
Oh, thank you, I really feel better! - she said ironically. - It would be better if you said what men think about people as terrible as me. Who like married men and believe and hope that love will win. Well, this is really so naive of me, right?
According to statistics, in 95% of cases this is really very naive, said a friend. - But I don’t know what percentage your case is included in.
Here! - the girl was happy. - What if, suddenly our case is included in that very 5% when it is not naive. What if he gets divorced and we end up together?
Well... It seems to me that you should just talk to him frankly.
Eh... The girl sighed. She had already tried so many times just like this, carefully and frankly, and with him, and nothing worked. And fear scratched inside: what if he leaves after this. Suddenly the fairy tale will end. Maybe these are really just illusions. Or maybe it’s better to let it be as it is?
Yes, of course,” she said. - We need to talk to him. You are right. We’ll go to Bali with him and there I’ll choose the most suitable moment...
Our heroine never left for Bali. The man of her dreams fed her breakfast, saved her for the train, and one fine day dotted all the i’s.
I'm sorry dear, it was very good with you, but we can't meet anymore. My wife is already seven months pregnant and I have to devote all my time to my family. Sorry.
My friend has not been able to get over this difficult breakup for almost two years now. She tried to take revenge, sort things out, called her wife... But everything was in vain, the deceived woman in this story turned out to be her mistress.
By chance, I came across a forum where this issue was discussed. “Does anyone have examples from life when a man left his family for his mistress and regretted it, did he come back? Have your wife and mistress switched places?” The discussion was heated. Of course, the topic is exciting and topical. And I came up with a post on this topic.
Statistics say YES. Or rather, there are much more men who regret it than those who are happy that they left and do not regret anything. Men, just like women, are “unlucky” in new relationships.
Why? Let's figure it out
Men's expectations are not met. In other respects, everything is the same, but more work.
It seems that when he leaves his wife for his mistress, he does not start a new relationship. For some time they met secretly or openly. What changed when the mistress became a wife, albeit a civilian one?
It has changed. For example, a man’s view of relationships and his expectations. One thing is required from a mistress, and something completely different from a wife. A man expects to receive in a new relationship what he did not receive in the past. After all, it was dissatisfaction with family life that led him to bed with his mistress, and then to the decision to create a permanent love union with her. By the way, not all traitors decide to do the latter. More often than not, it is the wives who insist on leaving the family. And if it weren’t for their thunder and lightning, the suitcase displayed at the front door, the requirement to choose “me or her,” many men would have cheated for years and worked on two fronts for years. Not because they like it that way, although that happens. But because it is more difficult for a man to decide on a divorce than for a woman. According to my psychology.
Do lovers understand this? Are you ready to meet men's expectations? Most often not. Which deals blow after blow to a relationship. And now the question creeps into the man’s mind: “Why did I do this?”
The demands placed on a woman who has changed her status from mistress to wife are higher than on an ex-wife. This fact should be taken into account!
In a new relationship, a man does not satisfy his needs.
No matter how trite it sounds, and it has set the teeth on edge, there is no statement more truthful than this: men are simple-minded. However, they are driven by needs, the dissatisfaction of which inevitably leads to a break in the relationship. There are exceptions, but, as they say, they confirm the rules. It is this dissatisfaction that in most cases pushes a man to cheat, to see his mistress, and to leave his family.
It is very important to know about men's needs. This greatly simplifies the process of organizing relationships.
Women are complex creatures. You need everything. And a lot of things. Unlike you women, men are very simple creatures. In reality, it doesn't take much to make us happy. In fact, there are only three things that, by and large, every man needs: support, fidelity and sex.
Just three. And I'm here to tell you over and over again that yes, everything is really like that. Just.
Steve Harvey
Need #1: Support. Men should feel supported - like they are kings, even if they are not. They want to feel like kings, even if they don't act like royalty.
Need #2. Loyalty. For men, love is devotion. This means that no matter what happens, you will be with the man. He gets fired - you stay with him even if he doesn't bring home a paycheck. When talking with your friends, you enthusiastically say: “This is my man. I am faithful to him."
Need No. 3. Sex. No man can live without sex. He will wait if you are on your period - if he loves you. But if he doesn’t care, he won’t persuade you to give affection - he’ll just get it from someone else.
Old rake in new relationship
We all make mistakes. We step on the same rake and again receive a painful blow. The same thing happens in relationships. We bring a suitcase with the past into a new life, unpack it and use its contents - familiar, familiar, but exactly what led to the breakup.
In general, women are best at working on mistakes.
They are more flexible. They live by emotions. And in general, a woman is a process worker. It is her nature that is assigned to the creation of relationships. There is no need to expect an equal contribution from a man to this process. A waste of time and nerves.
It is enough to look into the psychology of men to not so much be upset as to be inspired. Believe me!
The world of a man is an external, objective world. A man can be good at relationships, but initially, by his natural essence, a man’s task is to create objects, repair objects, understand objects. The focus of a man's attention is on the outside world. A man's attention is always outward and seeks what can become his, followed by the action of capturing.
N. Kozlov
Get rid of illusions
Yes, men often regret leaving. Men often ask to return or secretly dream of returning to their family. But you shouldn’t indulge yourself in the illusion that “having suffered,” your prodigal son, excuse me, husband, will return a different person. That he will realize his mistakes, and you will become the queen of the situation. And now the husband, making amends for his guilt, will begin to work on the relationship more than you or even alone.
Nothing of the kind! Very soon history will repeat itself. If it is not the cause of the disease that is removed, but only its symptoms, then it returns very soon.
If you are suffering and want your husband to return to the family, then you should ask and answer these questions honestly.
- Why do you want this so much? Or why do you need this man?
- Are you ready to forgive the offense and accept betrayal in peace?
- Are you ready to radically change your relationship strategy and tactics and work mercilessly on it seven days a week?
Nothing goes back to normal. You can't step into the same river twice. I wouldn’t create even bigger problems for myself, I wouldn’t feed the devil in my soul, I wouldn’t plunge myself and my loved ones into hell.
We lived for 15 years. He went to his boss. He married her right away, changed jobs so as not to be under her. He left simply insane. Like a zombie. 4 years have passed. We communicate with him only by phone and very rarely, dryly, the only reason is his daughter. I know he's feeling bad. He looks bad and gets sick often. Kind of cool. He told my brother (they are still friends) that everything was not at all as expected, and that he was simply afraid of his new wife. Didn't say he wanted to go back. He didn’t say that he regretted leaving me. And I waited for the first year. Now I don’t expect it, but I don’t have a personal life either. Even flirting. Home, daughter, work. Empty and gray. Why the hell everything was necessary. He's unhappy, I'm unhappy. And this *** is covered in chocolate on all sides. Will never come to me. If he leaves ***, then there will be a third.
Returning your husband to the family or accepting him back only makes sense if you sincerely love your husband and wish him happiness. You understand that you owe your husband and want to repay this emotional debt.
The answers to the other two questions should also be positive. Resentment and old relationship tactics and strategies will not lead you to happiness and balance.
Men often return to their families. That's true. It happens that a woman doesn’t have to work hard after his return.
But there is no happiness! Isn't that the meaning of the union?
What can such statistics give?
You can be happy again with your old husband. But under different conditions. Are you ready? The decision is yours.
I know how difficult it is to figure it out on your own. Come for a consultation. I'll help.
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With love, Eva
The situation when we fall in love with unfree men is not uncommon today. We firmly believe that you just need to be patient a little and then your loved one will finally make a choice and finally leave the family. But what if this doesn’t happen? Should I endure a supporting role all my life or, closing my eyes, forget about my feelings and try to build a new life, but without him? Or maybe fight for your happiness to the end and take decisive measures, without fear of receiving the condemnation of others and the lifelong status of a “cunning homewrecker”? Today we will talk to you about the unenviable role of mistresses and men leading a double life.
Oh times, oh morals!
If earlier the institution of marriage was considered sacred and for leaving the family a man was stigmatized by everyone around him, including even the team at work, today the situation looks different. With the change in the world around us, the attitude towards mistresses has also changed - today it is no longer so clear-cut. And the “background” women themselves perceive their status in a completely different way and are ready to fight for personal happiness, using the entire available arsenal of available means.
Why is this happening? Firstly, nowadays people approach marriage more easily, and divorce no longer seems to many to be a global catastrophe. We got married, lived together, but, alas, it didn’t work out - so what now, should I blame myself for this for the rest of my life? Yes, and today not all wives are ready to lynch a homewrecker after discovering the fact of adultery, since many of them understand that betrayal is always the action of not one person, but two, one of whom is the ex-husband, and therefore the blame for what happened does not lie only on the opponent.
Moreover, in modern realities it often turns out that the “long-legged bitch” who took her husband away from the family turned out to be a victim herself, because for the time being she did not even suspect that her husband was married.
Divorce is not always a disaster
The destruction of a marriage in itself does not always bring pain and suffering, and sometimes even, on the contrary, becomes a real salvation for both ex-spouses. Of course, a lot depends on the family atmosphere. When a woman lives without even suspecting that there is something wrong in her relationship with her husband, his departure can be very painful for her, especially if there are children in the family. And it’s sad if, even over time, she cannot come to terms with the status of “abandoned” and throughout her life she will take out her anger and resentment on her runaway husband through her child and those around her. But no less often there are other situations when, over time, the abandoned spouse realizes that everything happened for the better, meets another person, starts a new life and perceives an unfulfilled marriage as an experience necessary for personal change.
Psychologists believe that men decide to leave the family for only two reasons. The first is when marriage as such no longer exists, it falls apart before our eyes and its fragments are simply impossible to collect. The second is if he really fell in love with another woman and is ready for global changes in his life.
If there is no longer a marriage
The third party in a love triangle most often appears when a man’s relationship with his legal wife can hardly be called happy. The paradox is that the spouse most often does not specifically look for some kind of “outlet” and can exist in this mode for a long time, until an external push accidentally occurs. A man, tired of the constant nagging and attacks of his wife, who sees only his negative qualities, is no longer in a hurry to go home after work and is constantly in a bad mood. And then suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, SHE appears - completely different from his wife, kind, smiling, sweet, caring, ready to listen to all his problems and non-reproachful. And, of course, in this situation, relationships on the side become for him a way out of the boring twilight.
Similar situations often occur when spouses no longer love each other, but live together solely for the sake of children or for some other reasons that make living together simply convenient for both of them. And then the role of a mistress turns out to be saving not only for the man, but also for the woman he leaves behind, since divorce gives them both a chance to build a new, truly happy life. It sounds surprising, but sometimes in such situations the ex-wife and mistress subsequently even communicate quite adequately with each other.
The main indicator of the seriousness of a man’s intentions to enter into a new relationship is a fairly quick separation from his past life. This usually happens in a very short time - from several weeks to a couple of months. The most important thing for a mistress in this case is not to rush her lover to a decision. If he really loves you, he will do it himself. Therefore, if you have just started a relationship with a married person and feel that this is your person, give him some time, and do not issue ultimatums from the “it’s either me or her” series on the second date.
If you wait 10 years
In contrast to situations when a man quickly makes a decision, says goodbye to the past and starts a new life with a new lover, sadder cases are no less common when a double life drags on not even for months, but for years. A man can fool his mistress for a very long time, constantly postponing the decision to leave his legal wife until later, finding all sorts of excuses for such behavior: “Let the child go to school first, and then I’ll tell her,” “My wife is seriously ill now, I don’t want her yet.” to upset me any more, let’s put it off until later,” “I have an important project at work, and I don’t need any extra hassle, so when I finish it, I’ll immediately tell my wife about us.” And then it turns out that your wife is not only not sick, but is also pregnant with a second or third child, although your lover said that there has been no intimacy between them since the moment you met.
At the same time, your life with a man can resemble a love affair: with hundreds of SMS a day, secret meetings, whispered calls from the toilet and... holidays and weekends spent alone. It turns out that the gentleman seems to exist, but at the same time, for some reason, he cannot be there at the most necessary moments.
Why is this happening? In this case, the mistress is simply an outlet for the man. Yes, of course, he loves her in his own way, appreciates her and is afraid of losing her, but he has no intention of leaving his wife, with whom he has lived much longer. He is quite happy with rare meetings, violent sex and the state of euphoria that he experiences when he is with another girl, but, alas, he cannot imagine life with her. There is even such a saying among men: they say, if you first got married and then fell in love, there is no need to change it for good, because over time, the relationship with the second wife will turn into the same routine. Therefore, it is better to just carefully “hang out” and enjoy it, and when you get tired of it, return to your normal life.
If your relationship with a man develops exactly according to this scenario, the best way out would be to overcome yourself and break this union, since such cases very rarely end with a “happy ending”. If you cannot imagine life without your loved one, come to terms with the role of “second wife” destined for you and do not entertain yourself with vain illusions that someday this man will become exclusively yours. As practice shows, if he did not leave the family immediately or at least during the first year of the relationship, he will never leave.
Habit of getting married
There is another possible situation. Some men (usually creative and passionate people) simply fall in love very often and each time they think that this is finally “for life.” They easily move from one woman to another, and each of them is certainly taken to the registry office. Usually, such gentlemen have at least three ex-wives and one more “current” in their “track record”. Such “walkers” can leave their next spouse for your sake without any mental anguish and almost the next day after the divorce offer their hand, heart and passport stamp to you. As a rule, the mistress immediately melts at the opportunity to fulfill her dream and joyfully agrees. Family happiness lasts until the next beauty in a miniskirt appears on the horizon.
If you know that your chosen one has been married more than once or twice, think carefully about whether the gamble is worth the candle. Most likely, you will waste your own time and nerves, and as a result you will find yourself just another name in the endless series of Mash, Yul and Katya, because it is precisely such men that the saying “the grave will straighten the hunchback” fits perfectly.
How to rush things or tricks of experienced lovers
If you have thought carefully and are sure that you want to connect your life with this particular man, but you no longer have the strength to wait until he himself makes a decision in your favor, you can try to use some proven method from the collection of experienced mistresses. True, none of them can guarantee a specific and accurate result that will completely suit you, since much depends on the nature of relationships in the family, the personality of your spouse and his own attitude towards your behavior.
The most logical thing you can do to push a man to divorce is tell his wife about your relationship. If he's in no hurry, let her do it! You can give this push in different ways. If you don’t want a man to understand that you are doing this on purpose, try “accidentally” leaving a lipstick mark on his shirt, “forgetting” your panties or earring in his apartment or car, sending a sweet SMS while he asked not to do this, citing the fact that it completely slipped your mind that his wife could be nearby now.
You can also call him at his home number and, if his wife answers the phone, for a few seconds be silent and then hang up. Such periodically repeated calls will make a woman feel something is wrong and begin to take a closer look at her husband’s behavior, and sooner or later she will definitely catch him on something, especially if you have already “tried” with lipstick, panties or SMS.
You can turn on your internal detective, find out your wife’s email address or her social network page and send yours there a photo with your loved one. True, in this case it will be quite obvious to the man who did it.
Can post a photo together on your own page, especially if you and your loved one have mutual friends who also know his wife. In this case, there is a high probability that one of the “vigilant” acquaintances will forward this photo to the recipient. To the man’s question “why?” you can come up with an innocent excuse from the series “I uploaded many photos at once and our photo accidentally ended up there, and I didn’t even notice!”
If you are a supporter of radical measures and are not afraid of a man’s anger, call or text his wife directly, and honestly tell her that you are her husband’s mistress. If you are not afraid, you can show up directly to her home or make an appointment in a neutral place, for example, in a cafe, and honestly talk about what is happening behind her back. At the same time, it is important to emphasize that everything is wonderful between you and you are simply tired of such a good woman (wife) being led by the nose for so long. We can say that your meeting should be a secret, since the man was going to tell everything anyway, and you thus decided, out of female solidarity, to mentally prepare your spouse.
You can also act through the man himself: throw him constant tantrums, saying that you are tired of waiting, demanding that he finally decide “either I or she.” At the same time, it is important to prepare yourself for the fact that he may make a decision that is not in your favor. Hysterics can be replaced with heart-to-heart conversations, complaining about uncertainty, showing that you are falling into depression and not sleeping at night because of this unresolved situation.
Another radical way - announce your pregnancy. It’s up to you to decide who exactly to tell: either the deceived wife (so that she “gets into the situation”), or the cheater, or both of them. True, this must be done very carefully so that your deception is not revealed later. Of course, it is possible to imagine a medical error or a miscarriage later, but not every man will believe it. It would be much more honest to really do everything possible so that the pregnancy does occur, and with minor discrepancies in the period within a couple of weeks, questions will not arise later. However, do not forget that this method is a double-edged sword. If your husband and his wife do not have children, then he may sincerely rejoice at the possible pregnancy and decide that everything happened for the better, but another gentleman in a similar situation, on the contrary, will behave like bestials - he will simply cut off all ties with you or disappear, promising "help financially." And most importantly: if you are thinking about pregnancy, think about whether you are really ready to give birth to a child from this particular person, despite the possible risk of breaking up with him.
As you can see, not in all cases, trying to rush things will make you look decent. Forcing a situation where you force a man to leave the family, according to psychologists, can come back to haunt you in the future. If his decision turned out to be “forced” and not carefully weighed, more than once during quarrels you will hear reproaches from him that because of you he abandoned his family. That is why it is better to wait until your chosen one makes a decision on his own, taking responsibility for its consequences, and not trying to transfer it to you in case your future life together turns out to be not very rosy.
And a little about ex-wives
We are all different people. And if someone, being in the role of a mistress, does not think at all about how a man’s departure from the family will affect his abandoned wife, then someone else even sincerely worries about the ex-wife of their lover. It's not really you who needs to think about this. Marriage is a matter of only two people, which means its breakup is too. You have nothing to do with this, because if people truly love each other, no tricks from the outside will force them to separate. The family should be protected by the one who creates it.
And if you are still worried, remember the numerous situations where abandoned women, having survived a painful blow and difficult rehabilitation after it, went through a complete renewal. They began to have a new attitude towards themselves and their lives, realized their own mistakes that took place in a failed marriage, and in a new relationship they will do everything possible not to repeat them. This is why, according to statistics, the second marriage is almost always stronger than the first.
In general, to avoid such problems, it is better to simply not start relationships with married men and you will be happy!
