The natural desire of every woman is to have a husband who will always be a support, a reliable guarantor of a stable future for the family. However, things don't always turn out the way you want. And some of us are faced with the realization that their husband is a failure. What are the reasons for this and what can a wife do in such a situation?
Why is my husband a loser?
First, it should be noted that the very concept of “loser” is very subjective. One wife may consider her husband a loser who is unable to achieve the desired heights due to his laziness and ability to get into various unpleasant situations. In another couple, the spouse is considered a failure if he failed to achieve career heights, although he showed great promise in his youth.
IN modern world a man’s financial viability becomes the main criterion for his luck. And this is not surprising. Material wealth indicates the ability to overcome life's difficulties and the desire to improve living conditions. It is unlikely that a man who is infantile, passive, and avoids making decisions on important issues can provide a reliable rear for a family.
Why does the husband become a loser? Psychologists note that, as a rule, such a man is an introvert. He is usually non-conflict, with a gentle character, and rather reserved. Main sign loser - passivity, and in everything: in career, personal relationships, everyday problems. Huge self-doubt results in fear of mistakes and constant doubts.
What to do if your husband is a loser? First you need to understand the reasons for this phenomenon and then choose a tactic of behavior.
Born a Loser
Some men are born losers. They have no self-esteem, no abilities, no desires, no vital energy. It is interesting that all these qualities are clearly visible even in youth. But some women are sure that when they get married, they will be able to make a man out of such a man. Others choose a loser as a husband out of pity. Both of them expect that with age a man will become more active, he will have a desire to achieve wealth and well-being. However, as a rule, neither the birth of a child nor financial problems can inspire such a person to work.
What can be done? The idea that someone who is born a loser can be changed is completely wrong. A woman living in such a marriage can expect only two possible options development of events: either put up with poverty, or constantly kick your husband, however, without much success. Naturally, it would be best to break up. Moreover, if there are children in the marriage, such a father will not be a good role model for them.
Temporary loser
None of us are immune from bad periods in life. A man may not fit into the new realities of the world around him and lose his job. And it happens that it is difficult for a person to master new technologies. In this case, he needs time to adapt to the emerging living or working conditions.
What can be done? It's okay if you work for a while and your husband leads household. Let the spouse learn the basics of cooking, vacuum the apartment, take the children to training or other activities. In addition, homework is so monotonous and gets boring so quickly that anyone would want to get rid of it as soon as possible. What is not an incentive to look for a new job?
Increasing needs
Another fairly common reason that we consider our husband a failure is the ever-increasing demands of life. You see that your friends' standard of living is rapidly increasing. And you have a desire to achieve the same. Then dissatisfaction with the husband’s earnings appears, which until recently seemed quite acceptable. You set your friends up as an example to your husband, constantly reproaching him for not being able to earn money for a new car or modern renovations in his apartment. Often in such a situation, your spouse begins to think that you only need money from him. The result is a subconscious or conscious inhibition of career advancement.
What can be done? First of all, you need to get rid of the feeling of envy. You should remind yourself that, despite purchasing, for example, a new car, your friends have their own problems. If you really want to push your husband to develop a career, it’s better to try to interest him. For example, you can dream together about the possibility of spending a vacation in an exotic country and think about how much you need to save each month for this. Having calculated the required amount, the spouse himself may come to the conclusion that more income is needed.
If a woman is not ready to put up with her loser husband, but also does not intend to separate from him, every effort should be made to change the situation in better side. In addition to the above recommendations, we suggest using the advice of psychologists who will help eliminate this problem:
- Don't lower a man's self-esteem. You should not constantly blame your spouse for failures, tell him how incompetent and lazy he is. Better cultivate a feeling in him self-esteem, for example, assign tasks in which he can show his best side, and praise him for their implementation;
- Let your husband solve his problems on his own. There is no need to run to the rescue of your spouse when necessary. A man's destiny is to act and be responsible for his actions;
- Don't sacrifice everything to save your relationship. Remember that you are a weak woman who requires care. Remind yourself of this often, especially when you want to do something instead of your spouse;
- Realize yourself as a person. Develop your career, look for new ideas, expand your life horizons. Quite often, a husband begins to reach out for such a wife; after all, male pride is a great engine of personal development.
A loser husband is not a death sentence for a woman. You should try to change the situation and help your spouse get out of the vicious circle of failures. But if all your efforts are unsuccessful, think about whether you need this man.
When getting married, many of us women dream of being married to our husband. Like behind a stone wall. So that “he doesn’t drink or smoke, and always gives flowers.” And many more such ideas about the ideal man are present in our female souls. What is happening in reality? What happens to love after marriage?
The man who just recently enthusiastically presented me with a bouquet of daisies turns out to be a rather stingy guy. And flowers, in his opinion, are money down the drain. It's more important to save up for washing machine. Or better yet, just for a car. Or another brilliant idea: take out a loan and then pay almost your entire salary to repay it. And now what do I, a woman, need to provide for the entire family???
What about a career? I know for sure that with his abilities he could achieve a lot - it’s not for nothing that I fell in love with him! Why does he sit on his butt and not rush up the career ladder? Why doesn't he want to become a boss? Why doesn't he want to? Let's call a spade a spade: he's just afraid, he just doesn't believe in himself.
And in general: what are his goals in life? What does he want? What kind of ridiculous “I agree with you, dear” or “everything suits me” is this. A person cannot be satisfied with everything, he must strive for the best!
OK then. If you don’t want to be a boss, at least be a man at home! The one who manages everything, who is a jack of all trades. Everything hangs where it’s needed, where it’s not needed it’s painted over, in other places it’s even, smooth, nothing flows anywhere, doesn’t drip, doesn’t blow. But he can’t do that either modern man! “Let’s invite a master, after all, everything should be done by professionals.” Yeah, we'll invite a master. And it’s up to me again to wait for him and pay for his services (my husband has a loan!!! And they won’t just let him go from work).
In a word, my husband is a loser. At work, he is a typical representative of the gray majority. Dresses - average. Salary is average. The level of aspirations, ambitions, goals, dreams, desires is somewhere in the middle between “I don’t want” and “I don’t know.”
No matter how harsh these words may sound, many women actually have these attitudes on a subconscious level. Often we are not aware of them. And we cannot put it into some logically verified words. The discrepancy between our expectations and what is in reality leads to a feeling of dissatisfaction. And this dissatisfaction makes itself felt through irritability, pickiness about little things, and a periodic desire to “have a heart-to-heart talk” or “make a scandal.”
But all these disappointments of ours are nothing more than reverse side our own expectations. For example, I expect to receive a bouquet of roses as a gift, but I receive a bouquet of tulips. And I’m disappointed: I gave him the wrong gift! And instead of rejoicing, being happy and seeing in this gift a manifestation of love and care, I get upset and see a manifestation of indifference (wow, he can’t remember my favorite flowers!!!)
All our conclusions about the success or failure of a man- these are the consequences of our attitudes. In one family, dad was a jack of all trades, he nailed everything, nailed it down, constantly repaired his car, and even helped all the neighbors. And since dad is the first and most main man in the life of every girl, she automatically endows him with the traits of a “real man”. And if she gets a husband who has different ideas about masculinity, the woman will most likely be disappointed. And she will subconsciously not consider her husband a “real” man.
And one more nuance. What does a wife look like compared to her loser husband? That's right: he looks all good, on the mountain and in white. But this is a dubious way to stroke your vanity. This neither improves relationships nor adds happiness to life.
What is the way out?? To begin with, learn to support your man. After all, energetically, it is from a woman that a man receives strength for self-realization. Another important step: see your attitudes, realize your childhood decisions on this matter. What we know and see, we can change. And the next thing you can do to improve relationships: see the other person not as he should be, but as he already is. And appreciate the real him. And not to look all the time at the things in which he falls short of OUR idea of him. And it would be great if we treated ourselves with the same respect and acceptance.
The next article is about “good and bad”. This weekend we will record a video podcast dedicated to sexual relationships with psychologist Olga Frolova (Nizhny Novgorod).
Subscribe to updates! See you soon.
A loser husband is a heavy burden: it’s hard to live with him, but sometimes it’s even harder to leave him. Continue to help him or help yourself? Stay or leave? Does a man have a desire to escape his status as a loser, or does he like to be “unfairly offended” by everyone?
The word “loser” has a biased nature. Someone will say that a loser husband is one who did not succeed as a professional. Others will answer that a loser is someone who does nothing, a quitter and a slacker. A loser is someone who cannot fulfill all of his wife's dreams.
When faced with Russian reality, you understand that we characterize losers from a material point of view. Failure in the material sphere of life is equal in meaning to the term “loser.” Financial success is a kind of indicator that a person has a desire, a need to make his life better. Financial success is an indicator that a person knows how to cope with life’s difficulties. An immature man, unable to take responsibility for his actions, not only interferes with the implementation of his own plans, he is also a brake on the rest of the family. A woman does not feel confident next to such a man, and children are restless.
Psychologist's opinion: “The term “loser” is often characterized either from the point of view of the inability to realize one’s abilities or from the point of view of a person’s personal characteristics. If we are dealing with the first possible component, then in this case a significant number of labels are attached to this person, indicating his inability, impossibility of doing anything. As a result, we see the emergence of strong complexes. A person stops striving for anything and simply goes with the flow. For example, instead of listening to the voice of the heart and developing his abilities, a young man gives in to the opinion of his family and continues to work on some family business. He lives according to someone else's life scenario and it is not surprising that in the end nothing works out for him.
If we are dealing with the second case, then “loser” in this case is a kind of personality characteristic. We say that you can be a loser from birth, or you can become one under the influence of circumstances. A person cannot cope with the weight of the load placed on his shoulders and “breaks”. After such a “breakdown,” a person is in a state of emptiness and begins to believe that he is a failure. It happens that people live in this state for a very long time and even manage to unknowingly extract subjective benefit from this state. After all, if a person recognizes himself as a loser, it means that his responsibility for what is happening is reduced. Like, what to take from a loser. It is much easier to shift a significant share of the problems onto someone else, let the other person be to blame for all the troubles. IN family life the spouse becomes such an “other.”
Calculating the loser
All women are reformers at heart. Everyone is 100% sure that she can change the man she likes. Even if everyone around tells a woman that this man is not best choice that he has always been a loser, she does not notice the shortcomings. Instead of listening to those people who have known her chosen one for a long time, instead of taking a closer look at him, the woman closes her eyes to everything, being sure that in her hands everything will be different. This is a peculiar trait characteristic of most women. They seem to need to overcome obstacles and face new troubles. Sometimes such a way of life becomes habitual and some events that give such a feeling of overcoming are repeated again and again with enviable consistency.
Psychologist's opinion: “Naturally, if a woman married a so-called “loser,” then 50% of the responsibility for this event falls on her shoulders. After all, in a relationship between two people, only one person cannot be to blame. There are always at least two views on what happened. If a woman at one time did not notice that her partner did not have talent or did not have the qualities that are necessary to realize this talent, then she herself is to blame for this. In such a situation, there is no point in trying to blame your spouse for everything; this will not help either you or him.”
On the way to success
What needs to be done when faced with the situations described above depends on where the roots of the problems of the person called a loser lie.
1. If we are dealing with a situation in which your spouse is doing something that he never liked, then this imposes additional obligations on those around him. An important point There will be a moment of recognition that a mistake was made at one time. However, we can hope that the error was not fatal and we can try to correct it. In this case, the task of those who surround the man is to support and develop the man’s potential, to direct his attention to those areas of activity that allow him to realize himself and feel successful. At the same time, you should not again impose your point of view on a man. Give him more freedom, let the man take the initiative.
It is quite possible that a woman will have to be patient, because the process of self-development in an adult cannot happen quickly. In fact, at this stage a man, in a sense, begins to live from scratch. So be patient and let it unfold.
Psychologist's opinion:“At the stage of self-determination, when it is still difficult to understand yourself on your own, you can seek advice from a specialist - a psychologist, psychotherapist. It is important to develop the ability to reflect, i.e. introspection, introspection. The first thing a man will need to do to stop feeling like a failure is to realize and accept responsibility for the events of his life. It is necessary to understand that any external obstacles are only part of the picture. Often a person unknowingly interferes with himself. At this stage correctional work loved ones need to limit their interference, because it happens that they are the ones who do not allow the situation to develop differently, unconsciously pulling it into its usual direction.”
2. If a man is a loser because he is lazy, then the first thing that needs to be done is to admit this fact. Strong support will be needed from relatives and friends at this stage. It is very important for a wife to inspire her husband to do one thing or another. It is necessary to find a type of activity in which a man can realize himself and begin to feel more confident.
Most importantly, there is no need for extremes. No one can guarantee you a result, even if you are ready to take a somewhat parental position towards your spouse. Don’t live in a world of illusions, don’t assure yourself 100% that your intervention will definitely change the current situation. Unfortunately, this is not always enough. If you love and believe in this man, then be sure to try to do something. Otherwise, the thought “what would happen if...” will forever linger in your mind. However, you need to understand that such a position in relation to your spouse cannot be permanent. This threatens to seriously upset the balance between “taking” and “giving.” It is necessary to understand whether they are equivalent in your life together these parameters.
It happens that a woman in such a situation brings to life her unrealized maternal instinct. For a while, this state of affairs will bring a sense of balance and harmony into her life. However, over time, this will not be enough, and then the spouse will most likely hear quite typical words: “I spent my best years, loser."
What is needed to prevent such a situation from arising? Stop for a while, look inside yourself and perhaps you will feel that it’s time to stop living someone else’s life. If you don’t want to divorce your spouse, then explain to yourself why you remain close to him, what it gives you.
Don't move in circles
Family life increasingly resembles work in a large company, where the race for leadership never stops. The wife stops turning to her husband asking for help. If he constantly says that he is busy or that he will do everything a little later. In essence, a woman stops waiting for results because she stops believing.
Psychologist's opinion:“It’s difficult to say what needs to be done in in this case. Perhaps the desire to enter into conflict will be justified. The conflict will at least allow you to express your feelings about what is happening. If you remain silent all the time and swallow the insult, then at some point either an “explosion” becomes inevitable and catastrophic, or the man begins to think that everything suits you.”
It is very important not to forget that a man must remain a man. He must be the head of the family. It is important for a man to understand that he must take the initiative and, naturally, will be responsible for his actions. Don't be afraid to criticize your spouse. Moderate criticism will become the basis for making changes in your behavior and in your life.
The main thing in the family is not to confuse who plays what role. A man should be proactive and active, a woman should be patient and responsible. A harmonious combination of such qualities gives a harmonious result.
- Let's move on to the recommendations
- Be a team
- Be more careful with male self-esteem: male immaturity is often associated with low self-esteem
- Allow your spouse to feel important
- Allow a man to solve his own problems, his own and family ones.
- Don't forget about yourself and don't sacrifice your dreams
- If the relationship has reached a dead end, your husband is happy with everything, although everyone, including you, considers him a loser, then perhaps it’s time to take the next step and admit that you made a mistake in choosing your spouse.
Why a man is a loser and how to live with a loser husband: advice from a psychologist
Content1. How to recognize a loser?
2. Comes from childhood
3. Teaming up with a loser
4. Rules of conduct
How to recognize a loser?
Whatever they try, nothing works. They can look for a job for months, go through dozens of interviews, and be rejected everywhere. At the same time, other men manage to advance their careers, go to the seaside and buy a car. Are they just lucky, or is the root of the problem deeper than it seems?
To understand why a man is a loser, a superficial analysis and a frank conversation with him are not enough. He himself may not know the true reason for his endless bad luck. Or he knows - but carefully hides it: it’s easier for him to live this way.
Psychologists identify several types of losers.
"Sacrifice". Such men tend to immerse themselves in their problems, “cherish” them - and do not solve them in any way. Gradually they get used to their condition, programming themselves to be negative. “Victims” look for pitfalls in everything, reject any opportunities, and sincerely feel sorry for themselves.
"Hedgehog in the fog." Today is good - tomorrow how it goes. This is how losers think, who do not see their goals and do not make plans for the future. Trying to impose motivation on them or gently push them towards it is pointless.
"Dreamer". Beautiful house, good car, successful career- the dreamer has all this with interest. True, only in global plans. Such a man sincerely believes that all the blessings will come one day - however, there is no time to achieve goals, and the opportunities, as it turns out, are limited.
"Junk shopper." His collection contains all the advanced techniques. The flea marketer does not recognize traditional ways of achieving goals; he constantly finds “magic” seminars, attends them, spending a lot of money on it. Bottom line: time passes, the methods do not work. And things are still there...
From childhood?
Losers are not born, but there are effective “programs” that trigger the mechanism of bad luck.
Story one. Nina always dreamed of a son, and when her boy was born, she felt like the happiest woman in the world. From the first day of the child’s life, Nina decided: he would grow up to be the smartest and strongest. As soon as the baby learned to walk, endless classes began: swimming, wrestling, English... By the age of 5, the boy unexpectedly showed dancing abilities, but his mother categorically rejected them. They say this is not a man’s occupation! Attempts to break his son were crowned with success: the son stopped asking to dance, but also became absolutely indifferent to other activities. He honestly attended all the circles, constantly being under the gun of the word “must”. Result: instead of a strong, self-confident man, he grew up to be an absolute loser, in no way adapted to life.
The second story. Anton is the only son of Natalia and Vitaly. From childhood, he grew up in an absolutely democratic family, where freedom of action was encouraged. The boy was allowed everything - that’s how his parents wanted to raise him. harmonious personality. What went wrong and at what point - it became clear later for many years. However, in early childhood, Anton quickly realized that he was the center of the Universe. Freedom was manifested not in initiative, but in laziness, which completely took possession of the teenage boy-man.
Psychology indicates many reasons for the emergence of a loser in a man. Their search sometimes takes many months, and without the participation of a competent specialist they rarely lead to the desired result.
In harness with a loser
What is it like to live under the same roof with a person who can’t do anything? Can a whining, unlucky man become a successful man and how long will it take? First, a woman must firmly decide whether she wants to maintain a relationship with a loser. If the desire not to break the ties is driven solely by pity, and the man himself denies all attempts to help him, the end is unlikely to justify the means. It’s also not worth enduring just because there are no other men on the horizon.
It’s a completely different matter when a woman loves her husband and sees prospects in him. Of course, it won’t be possible to radically change everything overnight. There are many known cases when, next to one woman, a man was a hopeless loser, but with another, he made a dizzying career in a short time.
Rules of conduct
A loser is a delicate nature that does not tolerate pressure or, conversely, excessive softness. To help a man get out of the pool of bad luck, you need patience and wisdom. You shouldn’t completely rely on your own strengths: they are only effective when directed in the right direction at the right angle.
Dealing with losers has its own subtleties. Here are a few rules that will help a man quickly overcome his streak of bad luck.
1. Do not remind at every opportunity about the “status” of the satellite. Most men perceive such reproaches as an admission of their failure, which hurts their pride.
2. Be supportive – but don’t overdo it. Remind them of successful times, hint that bad streaks happen to everyone. Just don't be sorry!
3. Active attempts to take up your husband’s career are a bad help. The satellite must analyze the situation itself and come to the necessary conclusions.
4. Pay more attention to your man. Don't let him dwell on his problems. Positive thinking works wonders!
Can a woman make her man successful? Is she able to influence subtle financial and career matters? It turns out yes!.
How to make your man successful?
I call fire on myself!
Husband is a loser
Anya married an aspiring businessman Igor immediately after graduating from college. The husband was 8 years older than her and doted on his young wife. Anya also loved Igor and was glad that their family had both love and prosperity at the same time.
The happiness lasted for three months, but everything collapsed in one moment. A crisis struck and Igor lost his business. All day long he sat at home and complained about life. Anya waited a little, and when, according to her calculations, enough time had passed for depression, she began active actions. She brought Igor newspapers about employment and suggested calling potential employers.
Then the first family scandal in their lives broke out. Igor replied that he was not going to work for anyone, much less for hire, and would only do what he liked. He also stated that if this is not possible in this case, then he will sit and wait until circumstances change. Even if he were to die of hunger, he would not work as a loader.
Anya was shocked by this monologue. She really wanted a child, but in the current situation it was becoming impossible. There is no money, no work, and the husband doesn’t care about himself or the fact that his wife is hungry. It turned out that the main thing was his pride, not his family. Then Anya took fate into her own hands and began knocking on the doors of various organizations.
It must be said that in those years there was a shortage of work in the country, and therefore Anya, a certified journalist and advertiser, began her career as a saleswoman of building materials. Her salary was barely enough for food, but her husband was completely satisfied: there was food, the wife didn’t drink, because she worked all day, and if she didn’t work, she took care of the housework.
A year passed, and Igor did not even make any attempts to change the situation. He still complained about fate and languished from idleness. Their relationship completely deteriorated, and Anya filed for divorce.
Soon she got married and gave birth to a child. Five years passed, and Igor suddenly appeared in her life again. He arrived in an expensive foreign car, and his clothes and shoes simply screamed about the wealth of the owner. It turned out that he became a millionaire and had businesses all over the world.
Now he was going to leave forever to a small but very rich foreign country, where he had a whole bunch of real estate and useful connections. Igor said that he still loves Anya and wants her to go with him. “How could this happen? - Anya was perplexed. - With me he was a complete loser, but without me he became a millionaire?! What did I do wrong? What is my fault? Or is it not about me?
Of course, not all men become millionaires by separating from their wives. But still, there is a grain of truth in Anya’s experiences, because according to the law of conservation of energy, if something is added in one place, it will certainly be decreased in another.
What is a “rescuer complex”?
How to block energy?
Husband is a loser
If you take everything upon yourself and show that you are able to cope with all problems on your own, a man’s sense of responsibility gradually becomes dull and he stops caring about you. It turns out that with your excessive energy you are blocking his energy. What to do? Make yourself look like a fool and a lazy person? But you can’t rely on your husband for everything and lead the life of an amoeba?
If you find yourself in just such a situation and always rush into the embrasure, then these tips are for you:
Imagine that your husband is an adult and independent person who does not need constant supervision, control and guardianship. Come to terms with this thought. Remember that when we deprive another of independence, all responsibility falls on us.
Think about the fact that you should not sacrifice anything to save your family. Especially if your husband does not want to give up his ideas for the sake of earning money. Therefore, first of all, realize your goals, and do not sacrifice yourself for your husband. He does exactly that, but why are you worse?
Don't do for a man what he should do himself. Having found himself in an awkward situation several times, he will be more responsible about his affairs. This does not mean that you need to be indifferent to what happens to him. This only means that you see him as a responsible and adult person who is capable of taking care of himself.
If he hasn’t been able to fix the faucet, hang curtains, etc. for a month, don’t do it for him. AND Don't become a bore by reminding him of his responsibilities. Make it clear that no one can do this job better than him. You may have to wait a long time, but your patience will be rewarded.
Treat your man as a confident, competent person you can rely on. Don’t rush to call friends and employment agencies if your husband has lost his job and take on the responsibilities of being a breadwinner. Let him know that you are confident in his abilities. and believe that he will find the best way out of the current situation. Give him a chance to prove himself!
Saw Woman
Rescuer
Husband is a loser
Faith constantly associates itself with losers. Other men don't stay with her for long. Unemployed, lazy, disgruntled whiners are drawn to her like a magnet to a refrigerator.
Vera considers all men weak, and always takes responsibility for relationships . She works five jobs because she wants to save up for a separate apartment, and she always complains about her hard life, dreaming of being rich and strong man, who would help her solve all her problems.
But such a man is unlikely to meet on her way. And all because the attitude sitting deep inside Vera’s soul literally attracts all sorts of people to her. losers. The “all men are weak” attitude makes Vera work like a horse and behave with men as if they were imbeciles. Until Vera is convinced that men are adults and responsible people like herself, her life will not change.
If you recognize yourself as a rescuer, then you need professional help, since the attitudes ingrained in us from childhood are very difficult to change on your own. Be sure to take training on increasing self-esteem or individual work with a psychologist.
Strong attitudes literally block the penetration of new experiences that do not correspond to them, even if they are positive. Therefore, we see only what our settings allow us. The exercises below will help you look at the world with different eyes and change your situation for the better:
Imagine that your husband is... ideal man: he is a strong, independent person, he takes responsibility, he is successful and self-confident. What kind of life would you lead then? What would you do and not do? Imagine this situation in detail, get used to it.
What would you say? How would you feel? What feelings would you have for your husband? What would you stop doing right now? Try to live like this for at least a few days. Stop doing what stresses you out, let your husband do it. Relax and enjoy life by being selfish for at least a couple of days.
Find an image of a famous woman you like. Imagine that you are her. What kind of men could such a woman have? How would she deal with them, how would she behave? Try on this image in every detail. Live in it for a while. Every time you feel drawn to helpless losers, return to this image of the fatal beauty.
Where did you get the idea that your husband is a loser?!
Husband is a loser
“You don’t know how to communicate with people at all! You behave incorrectly with management! You’re dressed wrong! You need to be smarter! You’re a complete loser! Look how Sokolov competently approached the authorities, but you don’t understand anything at all, so you will You spend your whole life earning pennies! You work hard all day, but you don’t see any money!”
If you believe that your husband is incapable of anything and only you know what needs to be done, a vicious circle results: the lower his self-esteem, the more infantile he will actually become. And when a man is dissatisfied with himself, he begins to love you less. This is the most quick way kill passion in a relationship and make your husband a loser.
Undoubtedly, loving people always support each other. But here it is important that you act together. Your husband should also feel responsible for your relationship. If you don't believe in your husband, how can he believe in himself?
If you can't live a day without criticism, then these tips are for you:
If you continue to live with your husband, then there is something good in him. Remember what it could be? Concentrate on positive qualities your husband and remind them not only to yourself, but also to him.
Help your husband understand what he could do to realize himself. To do this, he may need professional help or special literature. Don’t nag him, but just talk, find out what he wants to achieve in life, and what’s stopping him from doing it. Most likely, he simply does not believe in his own strength.
Find a balance between criticism and praise, since only a reasonable combination of these two components can motivate a person to achieve success. There should be more praise than criticism, and all your speeches should begin with it. Praise should be very specific and detailed, not superficial and formal.
You can only criticize a person’s behavior, not a person’s personality. If you really want to change your husband’s behavior for the better, to inspire him to heroic deeds, then only talk about what can be changed.
In such a situation, a woman can become the main breadwinner, if, of course, she likes to do it. She can also come to terms with the existing state of affairs, let her husband be himself (after all, that’s how she loved him), and enjoy life.
If you think he's a loser and he's happy with his life, you're simply with the wrong person. Your values don't match and you both torture each other. In this case, you either live long and unhappily, suffering on both sides, or get divorced and find new partners with similar life values.
| Starting point Are you sure that your husband is a loser? - I asked one client. Certainly! He can't buy me a Bentley! He gives diamonds only on major holidays, and takes them abroad only four times a year! He is a complete zero, he is not worthy of me! Why did you marry him? Other women are jealous of the lifestyle you lead, but you know that in reality, you eke out a miserable existence, and your husband is a real nonentity! Because Zinka, from the house opposite, has a director’s husband, and yours is just the head of a department. And my husband took Alka from the fifth floor to Bali, and your idiot barely scraped by to Tunisia. You are forced to disgrace yourself in mink coat, When best friend walks around in sables and arctic foxes! And she also has a phone with real diamonds, and you have some kind of tattered Iphone! Hard to be the wife of a loser, and constantly catch the pitying glances of your more successful friends! |
Each person draws conclusions based on his experience and his internal picture of the world. In the eyes of other women, you may look like a snickering bitch, but in your sweet and tear-stained eyes you will always remain an unhappy wife of a loser.
Having the same income, one woman may consider herself successful, while another may not. . If you are the daughter of rich parents, accustomed to all the best, then, most likely, you will compare your husband with your father. And if your husband is less successful than your father, then he will be an eternal loser for you.
If you were brought up in an ordinary family, but your ambitions are quite high, then think about whether it’s worth putting the burden on another person to make your dreams come true? You must realize your ambitions yourself.
By basing your life on comparison with others, you doom yourself to constant envy and dissatisfaction. After all, there will always be someone richer and more successful. If you evaluate your relationship with your husband only by the criterion of superiority over others, your marriage is doomed.
Why do you need the tenth fur coat? Why do you need a Bentley if you never go further than a beauty salon? Why do you need fifty evening dresses, if you are not a screen star? Why do you need a husband if you almost never see him because he is so busy at work?
Frequently evaluating relationships only by material criteria hides the emptiness of the relationship itself, the lack of interest in each other and the emotional vacuum. Think about why you are so obsessed with your husband's status and money.
Maybe your relationship has long since faded away, and these pleasant details add self-confidence and replace love? Or maybe you have great ambitions and huge potential, which is prevented from being realized by laziness and fear, so you shift the responsibility for your happiness to another person?
If, despite your love, desire to help and competent motivation, your husband remains indifferent to his own success and the success of your joint family, it is obvious that this is not your fault. Remember that it is impossible to help a person when he himself does not want it.
If a man does not love himself, treats himself indifferently, he is not able to love a woman the way she deserves. Is it worth wasting your life on a person who can't make you happy?
Elena GORSHKOVA,
psychologist-consultant
