Many mothers do not notice how their children become adults. They constantly get involved in their children’s lives, criticize them and patronize them. How can I reduce my mother’s influence while maintaining a good relationship with her? The topic of our article is “How adult daughter find common language with your mother?
First, pay attention to your parent. Try to determine its type. This will help you understand how to communicate with her.
First type. Mother hen. This type of mother is the most common. After all, every representative of the fair sex has a need to take care of someone. Everything could be fine! However, your parent continually overdoes it with her care. This causes you to feel guilty. After all, she interrupted her career after your child was born. You are burdened by the care of your parent. However, you just can't tell her that.
What can you recommend? First, think about whether you can do without your mother’s help. Most likely not. Therefore, you should tell your mother more often how much you love her. However, it is still advisable for you to persuade the parent to go to a holiday home and take a little break from the daily routine. She needs to know that you care about her.
Second type. Star. Such a mother simply needs the attention of the people who surround her. She tries to be perfect in everything. She creates dishes better than others. She always puts her home in perfect order. She perceives you as a so-called showcase of her achievements. She constantly demands from you that you be perfect. It constantly seems to you that your parent is monitoring your train of thought. If you behave or dress differently than she likes, she immediately begins to re-educate you.
What can you recommend? Ask yourself what is the best thing your mom can do? Perhaps she is an excellent specialist in her profession or is a good embroiderer. Then you should draw the attention of other people to her skills as often as possible. Periodically remind your mother how much your friends admire her. Then she will most likely begin to treat you much softer.
Third type. Sample. This type of mother always knows how others should behave. She teaches this to you, your co-workers, your neighbors, and your friends. Your parent most likely constantly uses the word “not accepted.” She can convince you for quite a long time that you shouldn’t put your baby to bed late or go to friends’ houses without your spouse. She may also constantly criticize you for wearing makeup. And there is nothing amazing about this. After all, your parent herself has always lived “according to the pattern.”
What to do? To begin with, you should admit that some of your mother's recommendations can be quite useful. And if you disagree with something, then you need to ask her why she thinks that way. If you are going to do it your own way, let your mom know that you respect her opinion, but do it as you see fit.
Hello! I’m over 30, and I’ve had a problem for many years now - I can’t find a common language with my mother. She is over 50, already retired, her second child is disabled, she has not worked almost all her life, she takes care of him - feeds him, washes him, etc. I work and pay utilities and food for everyone. She spends her small pension only on herself and often reproaches me that she had to spend something to buy something for her relatives. For large purchases ( winter clothes , shoes, do something for the house, buy something) I insist that, if possible, we make an equal financial contribution. She has a long-time fan who sometimes helps with money. But it turns out that I pay for most of it. All my life it seemed to me that I was responsible in the family. She spent everything she ever received, without accumulating anything, even if there was such an opportunity. By nature, I don’t like it when people don’t work, I consider it laziness, and if I have the means, I expect there to be a reserve for the next step. month also. It's calmer this way. She doesn’t like that I put something off, I don’t give her a lot of money, everything I give immediately goes somewhere for her personal needs, and not for food. I buy everything myself; whenever possible, we go to the store together. Recently (a couple of years) I have become the main breadwinner - she fell out with her admirer, sits at home, takes care of her brother, and minds her own business. Every month she is unhappy if I only give her a couple of thousand for personal expenses, she says that she should have money too. I say that I pay for everyone’s food and utilities, she has a pension for everything else. I help with money for clothes. I don’t hear gratitude or a simple “Thank you”, only reproaches, which is not enough. I hear a squeezed “Thank you” only when I ask for it. I can still put up with quarrels about money, but all my life I have heard mostly nagging from her. It often happens that I’m doing something, but I’m tense, waiting for the next harsh word. I can't relax. I don't have a personal life as such. She was married, unsuccessfully, and turned out to be a womanizer. A broken heart, hopes, and several years of lack of faith that I would even succeed in this regard and that personal happiness is possible. Now I have begun to recover a little, but there remains some anger at people that the one you love with all your heart can betray. The situation with my mother is tense - she may not talk to me for several days after a quarrel, in the end, after mutual insults (I ask you not to raise your voice at me, and let me make my own decisions, she says that I won’t be able to live on my own - “We’ll see how you can live without me"), it comes to the point that she tells me to rent a separate apartment. By nature, I am afraid of loneliness, and there won’t be enough money if I rent an apartment, and even help her with money, although she says that she doesn’t need anything from me. As a result, there is a feeling of guilt that I am trying to drown out, I cannot help her at all, she is my mother, I love her and wish her all the best, but what to do next - I don’t know how to live together. In constant tension due to reproaches (“I raised you, I gave you my whole life”). Recently I said that I lost my only friend and mother in one person. If there is a big quarrel with her - she is going to leave somewhere or tells me to move out, I begin to develop manifestations of VSD and. I ask her for forgiveness, give her money for clothes, the relationship is leveled out and her health is restored. I understand that the matter is neglected. I would like to improve my personal life, but I just don’t want to be with anyone, I want to be close to someone who is faithful and reliable, who will not leave you in difficult situation. I don’t want to live alone, I feel depressed. The question is: how to move on when there is very little hope for a successful personal life, and how to improve relations with your mother? I want more personal space, development, support from loved ones. I think she would be more confident and would receive more respect from everyone (including me) if she worked (she says she doesn’t want to and needs to take care of her brother, although there is time for the small part-time job she did , but she gave up, she has) and there would be no reason to find fault with me over every little thing. Sorry if the presentation turned out to be chaotic, I wanted to cover all sides of the situation. Best regards, Evgeniya Evgeniya, hello!Unfortunately, there is one vicious circle in your history that you cannot get out of yet. And I understand why. Because there will not be such an ideal solution so that “no one gets hurt,” “there is no quarrel,” and so that “there is no suffering or discomfort.” Alas, any EXIT from your situation will most likely contain both. And you will either have to accept it (and help yourself cope with this discomfort and suffering; this is where a psychologist can help you), or you will have to stay with what you have...
I don’t want to live alone, I feel depressed.
This is where you should “dance” from. As long as you are dependent on your mother, you will not be able to do anything about your relationship with her. As long as you are dependent, she will continue to manipulate you, continuing to use the lever known to her -
"Let's see how you can live without me"
She's sure you can't. Therefore, we can continue to twist your arms - your weak point is known and you can intimidate you with requests to move out ad infinitum. While you are afraid.
The rest follows from this. If you are used to living in dependence, then you are trying to build personal relationships out of dependence. And then it turns out that you will not be able to build any other personal relationships except dependent ones. For a very simple reason - you simply have no experience of independence. Bye. But while he is not there, only men who are one way or another prone to dependent relationships will still get into relationships with you. This could be anyone - alcohol, drug, sex addicts, gambling addicts, or simply infantile men looking for a “mother” in a woman and believing that she, like her mother, will have to accept them with any tricks.
And other men - independent, completely reliable, well aware of what they want from life and ready to seriously lend their shoulder - also need a fairly independent and independent nature nearby. It is important for them that a woman knows how to say “no” in order to understand how to navigate her. But you cannot really refuse - this follows from your description of the relationship with your mother.
You can't (yet) set your boundaries and outline the boundaries of your interaction with your mother (“you can come into my life here, but not here,” etc., and keep this distance, not allowing you to get into your boundaries without your permission). And yes, it would be very difficult for any independent man to put up with a woman’s insufficiently firm boundaries in relation to her own mother. Grown-up men want THEIR family, where both of them have priority - first of all in their own family, and not in their parents'.
Recently I said that I lost my only friend and mother in one person.
This is also a question of dependence. Why don't you have other friends? Why don’t you try to provide yourself with another social support except mom? The fewer steps you take into the world towards other people, the more you depend on your mother and the stronger her manipulations will be.
I want more personal space, development, support from loved ones.
Of course, this is natural. But we need to find these loved ones! And for this it makes sense to take concrete steps.
I think she would be more confident and would receive more respect from everyone (including me) if she worked
But she doesn't want to. And even if you were right in your assumptions, she has her own choice: not to work and not to want to. And you have a choice - to do something about the fact that your mother is like this. For example, you have a choice - to support her or not to support her, to help in one way or another, to what extent, when and how, etc. Perhaps, among other things, she doesn’t work and doesn’t want to because she has you. Why should she work if she will still “knock” out of you what she needs in one way or another?
Actually, your mother is an adult and she is NOT your daughter. You don't have to solve all her problems because you didn't make the decision to bring her into the world. She, as an adult, is responsible for her own life. If her choice is not to work, then she has the right to face the full consequences of it. For example, that there will be no more people in her life who want to provide for her. These are natural consequences of unwillingness to work - haven’t you thought about it?
Read this article, perhaps it will become more clear where the origins of such a dependent state are?
I’m over 30, I can’t find a common language with my mother and there’s no hope for a personal life.
Hello, Anton!Thank you very much for such a detailed answer. I am sure that there is a way out of every situation :) The main thing is truly human development. Thank you for revealing to me what the problem might be. Indeed, I am prone to dependent relationships. She tried to please her husband, always played “mother”, taking care of him. I'll try to dig in this direction.
Indeed, when a person is independent internally, he will not tolerate being told what to do, will not accept it and will leave such communication. You need to learn to live independently, without seeking approval from others, then you won’t be able to manipulate.
I have already read the article about the relationship between parents and children, thank you! As I understand from your answer and article, you need to accept that your mother (parents) is an adult, with her own weaknesses, and try not to take responsibility for her fate and protect her as an “adult,” an older person. Perhaps it is my behavior that contributes to her such attitude towards me. Perhaps she herself is dependent on the attitude and approval of others.
I really thought what would happen to her if not me. Her parents tell her the same thing. For some reason it hasn't progressed further yet. Perhaps this is a comfort zone - it’s comfortable to live like this, and you don’t want to go further.
I’ll try to find more information on this topic and solve the problem of separating myself as an individual and creating natural personal boundaries.
Sincerely,
Evgenia
I’m over 30, I can’t find a common language with my mother and there’s no hope for a personal life.
Hello, Evgenia!
As I understand from your answer and article, you need to accept that your mother (parents) is an adult, with her own weaknesses, and try not to take responsibility for her fate and protect her as an “adult,” an older person.
You understand everything correctly. Moreover, I have a feeling that you already had this understanding before my answer)) But, probably, sometimes there are things that need to be heard directly, and not just read in an article. Realize that this applies to YOU, and it doesn’t seem to you, let’s say. And that means this story worked out quite well for you and me.
Perhaps it is my behavior that contributes to her such attitude towards me. Perhaps she herself is dependent on the attitude and approval of others.
Of course, dependence is not one-sided. The term “codependent relationships” (more accepted in psychology than simply “dependent relationships”) also contains a depth of meaning - CO-dependent, CO-dependent. In any couple, dependence is always formed by both and both support it (more often, of course, unconsciously). But if one person begins to realize, then this someone can be the first to get out of addiction and help another do the same (again, the other may not be aware, but he will still have to deal with his addiction if this rope will stop holding the first one...)
I’ll try to find more information on this topic and solve the problem of separating myself as an individual and creating natural personal boundaries.
All information is inside you. Only by looking within yourself will you be able to understand what exactly is not letting you go further, what exactly is stopping you from starting to build your life, what exactly and why is driving you into depression during a separate life, etc. And it is quite possible to sort all this out, and then take concrete, factual steps.
Mom can swear at me and thinks it’s right. Yes, I’m not an ideal daughter either, I can also raise my voice and be rude, but I don’t always notice it. Everyone in our family is kind of loud, it’s as if it’s passed on at the genetic level. But I will never allow myself to curse my mother! I also often hear from her that I won’t get along with anyone, I won’t get married because of my difficult character, BUT the point is that my mother had 3 husbands and she herself didn’t get along with anyone. I agree that the men there were far from gifts, but why does my mother tell me all this if she herself could not find a worthy man? She can also publicly say that I have the brain of a fifteen-year-old. Even if this is so, then why tell strangers that you have a stupid daughter? And also, when I go for a walk somewhere or to visit, they call me at 9 pm and ask when I will finally come. I always return home at 11 pm at the latest, and then I always call and warn you not to worry. But she still screams and swears, saying that she can hang around as long as she can. And one day I was returning home at about 10 pm, but it was dark outside and I was a little scared, I called and asked my mother to meet me at the entrance, but they shouted at me and said that there was no point in walking in such darkness. Just where is the logic? If she is worried, then it seems to me that it is in her interests to meet me. I’m also preparing to enter a university and go to tutors, and it happens that the tutor keeps me until late, my mother knows about this and I myself ask her to call me so that the tutor understands that it’s time for me to go home. But I can’t always answer the call right away, because... There is an active mental process going on and mom knows this too. But one fine evening, I answered the call for the third time and my mother immediately started screaming, saying how long can I sit there and the like. Naturally, the tutor heard all this and I was very ashamed... because... it was 10 pm, and I was no longer 15 years old, and the tutor also lives a seven-minute walk from my house. In general, these screams and insults bother me very much. I want to talk to her, explain that I am not pleased and that this is not entirely correct, but in the end everything turns into a scandal. And I often want some kind of support from her, because... I’m working for the first year after college and at the same time preparing for admission, I go to tutors in three subjects, for me at my age it’s hard... out of habit... and I don’t have free time. Of course, I’m under nervous tension, I want to take a walk and unwind. and all I see is work, tutors and a house with a mother who criticizes me. IN general problems in fact, it’s complete, you just can’t write everything here, but I hope that at least someone will help me clarify this situation. I just don’t like tension in the family and in the house, and I don’t want my mother and I to have a terrible relationship later on. In fact, I love her, she is a good woman, interesting, but unfortunately she absolutely does not hear me and does not want to hear me. I’m very offended that she always rushes to extremes... but for some reason I don’t want to tell her anything or trust her.
The closer and dearer a person is, the more painful he can do. This is a fact of life. Another fact is that complex relationships between adult children and their parents can greatly poison the lives of those around them for a kilometer in the area.
Have you seen such family battles? Close people throw hurtful words at each other like rotten tomatoes. And the rest are hiding in the corners so as not to catch a “stray bullet.”
“Mom simply doesn’t want to understand me!” How can I explain to her that I have already grown up and am able to take care of myself? I think she still sees me as a stupid eight year old!
— I myself have a child in the second grade, and my mother scolds me 17 times a day, like a schoolgirl. Yesterday she watched another show about raising children and let’s teach me, and even in front of my daughter. This is not how I raise people, what I demand, and in general what I know about life.
- This is when I’m 34 years old! Yes, this goes beyond all limits! And how can we restrain ourselves here? How not to send her far and for a long time?! I just had to grit my teeth so as not to be rude to her.
It’s normal and even natural in some ways to be angry with your parents in adolescence. Although the period of the most irreconcilable For some reason I have to fight with my parents to a more mature one(at least according to the passport) age.
A young, accomplished woman, who has long overcome the period of teenage “fights” with her parents, reacts to her mother’s attacks as if she were still 15 years old. Why is this so? Why did the girl grow up, but her relationship with her mother remained the same?
Objects, subjects or “why doesn’t she listen to me”?
The claims of adult children and their parents are mirrored. It looks something like this. The daughter is extremely outraged that her mother calls every 20 minutes, so she screams into the phone in a broken voice: “Mom, I know it myself!”
Mom, in turn, complains to her neighbor: “Can you imagine, I don’t sleep at night because of her, and she, ungrateful, can’t talk to me on the phone!”
Mutual reproaches sound differently, but their roots are always the same - object-object relationships. To make it clearer what I’m talking about, I’ll give an analogy.
What do you do if something makes you uncomfortable or makes you feel the wrong way? It’s uncomfortable in the apartment - you move the furniture. And it wouldn’t even occur to me to ask her consent for this :). The host of a TV show is unpleasant - you change the channel without consulting the TV. I came across a boring book - but it was thrown into the firebox. Well, she won’t cry because of this and demand attention! This is how objects are treated.
In other words, you influence objects in order to make your life more comfortable. It's okay if they are lifeless and speechless. Problems begin when we consider living people, our parents, for example, as objects. We build relationships with them as with “objects” that are convenient for us.
By the way, this is a sign infantile person, who psychologically barely surpassed the level of a teenager. He tends to treat the world and others as objects of manipulation.
This is especially true for those who are close to him or on whom he depends. And the infantile picture of the world turns on something like this: “I’ll put pressure on you now (with pity, hysteria, claims), I’ll somehow manipulate you, I’ll tell you something like that - and you’ll do as I want.”
Parents are difficult to perceive as separate subjects. And this is understandable. They've been around since birth. They fed, clothed, looked after, wiped their noses, endured teenage tantrums and so on.
After such an intense life together, the child (even if he is 34) perceives his mother as an object, that is, as an entourage to his own life. And he behaves the same. Tries to integrate parents into his understanding of the world and make them comfortable.
“Why are my parents interfering in my life?”
Parents are also people and step on the same rake. For 30 years they have become accustomed to having you in their life. They gave birth to you, raised you and think that they have “fashioned something worthwhile” :). If the parents themselves have not reached maturity psychologically, then they also treat the adult child as object.
That is why the fact that you have a different opinion or have decided to manage your life differently causes rejection and resistance. It’s the same as if a houseplant suddenly said: “I don’t like the view from the window here, I’ll go to another window sill.” (Sorry for the mundane comparison :)).
This results in misunderstanding, rejection and huge list claims from both sides.
Thus, for a system of relations "object - object" there are characteristic signs. People:
- They refuse to recognize the right of others to think, feel, and act differently. Not like that, unusual, incomprehensible.
- They sincerely believe that they can change another and force him to behave the way they want.
What do we end up with? On the one hand, parents try to manipulate adult children. On the other hand, adult children expect clearly defined behavior from their parents. (Respect, recognition, praise, placing on a pedestal:). Everyone has their own needs :)).
We are not used to seeing parents as independent individuals. And they, in turn, do not want to agree that we have already grown up and are capable of building our own lives. There is a vicious circle. Hence the numerous mutual claims.
How to build a relationship without complaints and claims?
Where is the exit? And does he exist at all? You can't change parents at their age. What remains?
Most animals simply send their young away when they believe that they have finally grown up and are ready for independent life. Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately), things are not so simple in human relationships. Representatives of the older generation cannot let go, and the younger ones cannot get away. Moreover, in our country, parents consider themselves obligated to help their children morally and financially until retirement. Not yours, mind you.
Thus, children and parents have been artificially maintaining their dependence on each other for decades. And the only way out is to break it. How to do this? Correct something in your head.
Imagine that you have moved into a communal apartment. Do your neighbors have to be the way you want them to be? Some of them smoke in the common kitchen and regularly forget to lift the toilet seat. Another swears loudly and listens to rock music. Still others often come in without an invitation, without a twinge of conscience, destroying all your supplies of sweets.
It wouldn’t occur to you to “treat” them all, would it? Read lectures on how to live correctly? You won’t worry about the fact that Vitalik from room 11 didn’t wipe the table after himself, will you? And won’t you freak out when Lenka from episode 8 tells you for the 11th time about her new boyfriend?
Of course not, because these are adults with the right to privacy and a personal (different from yours) opinion! And they don't owe you anything.
What if you look at your parents from the same angle? They also have the right to have their own views on life. Even those closest to you are not obliged to behave the way you want. Just like you, parents have the right to their opinions.
“Mom, I’m already an adult!”
Do you want them to perceive you as adults? Start treating them as equals.:
- Give your parents the right to have their own point of view, to love stupid TV series, to vigorously discuss politics that bore you in the kitchen, to cherish your shortcomings, habits and stubbornness.
- Stop mentally grading them for their actions and decisions in the past. Parents, in general, do not have to be perfect.
It would seem obvious. Mom and dad are not some higher beings endowed with universal wisdom. And not your lifelong support, whose purpose is to ensure your comfort or fuel your self-esteem. These are the same people made of flesh and blood. They also enjoy little things, get upset about rising prices for gasoline and utilities, make mistakes and (oh my God!) have sex.
Do you want them to see you as an independent adult and not interfere in your life with advice? Become an adult! Erase the phrase “Parents should” from your vocabulary. No, they shouldn't. Raised, fed - the duty is fulfilled.
Understand the main thing: they gave you the opportunity to become who you are today. Don't ask for anything more.
And in return you will receive the right to be yourself. Don’t adjust to their expectations, don’t follow their advice and live as YOU think is right.
Question to a psychologist
Good evening!
For as long as I can remember, I could never find a common language with my mother.
It seems to me that any child, at any age, expects support from his mother in one situation or another. But for some reason I can’t get it only from family members, and most importantly from my mother. No matter what I do, everything is bad: I wash the dishes - not right, I clean - not right, I bought myself new things - what the hell did you buy?, friends - she doesn’t like anyone, my boyfriends - she didn’t like either of the two either, She chooses the job for me because she doesn’t like where I worked either! In the summer, everyone walks at night, relaxes, but I can’t afford it. I understand the latter, she’s worried, but I’m in the company of people, we’re not doing anything bad, so what’s the big deal about going for a walk?
Going to a friend's house for an overnight stay? This also needs to be begged for.
Why should I always beg and tearfully beg for everything in my 20s?!
I’m just tired of this, and I don’t know how to get out of this situation. Help please. Thanks in advance.
Hello, Victoria! Your mother is used to the fact that YOU allow her to make decisions regarding your life - she is like this - she rejects you, your choice, she controls you - you should not WAIT from your mother for support and permission to start living your life - you are only Show her that you let her control. You have already grown up and are already responsible for your life - your mother may reject, criticize, she may not like where you work, who you communicate with, she may forbid - BUT! working where you like, going out and chatting with your friends is YOUR CHOICE! You can either hide behind its prohibitions yourself or allow yourself to live - the responsibility is only yours and the choice is also only yours! Mom may worry about you, wish you better - BUT - she can do this from her side, through her perception - BUT - this is NOT WHAT YOU need - SHE needs it! Allow yourself to make decisions, and not constantly seek permission from your mother to do something! She MAY prohibit, she MAY not approve - BUT - the final decision is YOURS - hide behind her ban or act!
Victoria, if you really decide to figure out what’s going on, feel free to contact me - call me - I’ll be glad to help you!
Shenderova Elena Sergeevna, psychologist Moscow
Good answer 4 Bad answer 1Victoria, hello!
You are 20 years old and you have been the mistress of your life for 2 years. Only you can decide how to live this life and what to do and what not to do. And if you continue to rely on your mother’s decision in all matters, that’s your choice. But don't expect mom to suddenly become an angel...
It's time for you to set a boundary in your relationship with her and become independent! This is the only way you can improve this relationship. If you are still hanging on your mother’s neck (she feeds and clothes you), her demands on you are appropriate. Therefore, the first thing you need to do is get on your feet. By standing up, you can talk to your mom like an adult talking to another adult. Moreover, you will not be obliged to listen to her, but will be able to make your own decisions.
If you are already independent, then here’s the question: why do you still depend on her opinion, Victoria? What is stopping you from drawing this line and finally becoming an adult in the full sense of the word?! Try to answer this question, if not on your own, then by working with a psychologist, and you will probably discover a lot for yourself!..
Parents find it difficult to come to terms with the fact that their child has grown up. But if you play along with your mother in this game, she will never come to terms with it. Much depends on your behavior, Victoria. And it looks like it's time to reconsider it!..
I sincerely wish you good luck with this! And if you have any questions or need help, reach out!
Karamyan Karina Rubenovna, psychologist, psychotherapist, Moscow
Good answer 4 Bad answer 1
