Conflicts are always a problem. And no matter in what area they arise, be it business or personal life, we are faced with the same questions: how to resolve the conflict or how to avoid it in the future. Of course, it will not be possible to avoid conflicts; even in the strongest relationships, in the most trusted business, disagreements arise from time to time that can develop into a serious conflict. In this article we will not talk about how to build ideal relationships that will develop without disputes and conflicts, but we will focus our attention on something else - how to properly get out of conflict situations. After all, you don’t want serious scandals and problems? Right?
What is the best option for resolving conflict situations? What immediately comes to mind? I'm sure that possible options you have thought of many, but among all of them, only a compromise will be optimal. Both sides must make concessions, change their vision of the situation, find a common solution to the problem, one that would suit both.
So, how to come to this compromise, because in words everything is easy, but in reality it turns out to be not so simple. Let's look at 10 basic rules with which you can resolve any conflict situation.
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1. Keep your emotions in check.
The first rule is that you must learn to think with a “sober” head, and not involve ego and emotions in your decision. It very often happens that, out of emotion, a person will say something, do certain things, and then, when he cools down a little, he begins to regret everything he said. And this happens all the time. Emotions cloud your judgment, inflate your ego, and make you think that you are taller and smarter than your interlocutor. This is not right, this is a road to nowhere. Many Eastern cultures and religions place great emphasis on the ability to control your thoughts and emotions. Why do you think Tibetan monks are so calm, conflict-free and reasonable? Yes, because they think first and do not involve emotion. Learn!
2. Don't beat yourself up
There is a wonderful Zen saying: “I think less, I laugh more.” What do you think it's about? How often have you encountered the fact that a person himself came up with a problem, screwed himself up, got offended, and even inflated the conflict from this? It happened, didn’t it? Did you do that? I'm sure so. So, you don’t need to think too much, you don’t need to hype yourself up about something that hasn’t happened yet. You yourself build a chain of non-existent events in your head, develop them yourself, and begin to believe in it so much that then many problems arise.
For example, your business partner is late for a meeting, the phone is turned off, there is no connection on the Internet, you wait and begin to imagine why this happened. And as soon as he enters the office, you begin to attack, accuse, make some kind of claims based only on your invention. Don't rush your horses, don't get nervous ahead of time, because you don't know true reasons being late. Such cases are all too common, and until you learn to live in the moment now, learn to perceive everything as it is, conflicts cannot be avoided.
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3. Choose the right time
Often conflicts arise at moments when one of the interlocutors is not ready to talk. If you see that your colleague is not in a good mood, that he is not having a good day today, then do not interfere with your questions, recommendations or advice. It’s better to wait until tomorrow, let everything work out for him, and then start the conversation.
It is also better to conduct all negotiations in the afternoon, approximately 1-1.5 hours after lunch. Why? By this time, the person will have already “started up”, will have entered into the work process, will have time to have lunch and relax. A well-fed and positive-minded interlocutor means a minimal risk of a conflict situation.
4. Look for the cause, not the effect.
We are all accustomed to dealing with the consequences of conflict, but we do not want to analyze what caused such a person’s behavior. Always take a broader view, go beyond the conflict, try to analyze the situation and understand how to avoid similar problems in the future.
5. Live in the moment now
Another mistake that leads to serious conflicts is past memories. Why do you reproach a person for what has already passed, why do you remember his past “sins”? This will in no way help resolve the conflict, but on the contrary, will add fuel to the fire. Try to live in the moment now. Just think, nothing exists except now. The past has already happened, and it cannot be changed, therefore, there is no need to be very upset about it, and we don’t know the future, therefore, put aside worries about it too. There is only here and now - remember.
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6. Don't accumulate problems.
There is a great saying: “Problems must be solved as they arise.” And this is the true truth. There is no need to accumulate grievances, experiences, etc. controversial issues. Try to discuss everything at once, decide, come to a common denominator. Problems can be compared to a snowball, which only gets bigger and bigger every day, and if you don’t reduce it, then at one point this lump will fall on your head with enormous force, bringing with it a whole set of conflicts and unpleasant situations.
7. Don't hold grudges
This rule is closely related to the previous one. There is no need to harbor grievances, hatch an insidious plan for revenge, or secretly invent and impose something on yourself. If you want to live without conflicts, then you should learn to calmly, without unnecessary emotions, discuss all controversial issues. The faster you resolve your internal conflict, the faster you discuss it, the better, because this will help you free yourself from unnecessary thoughts, and most importantly, from unnecessary speculation.
8. Don't insult
Do not stoop to the lowest level - insult. Scientists have proven that if during a quarrel a person gets personal and begins to insult his interlocutor, then this is an indicator of his weakness, his wrongness, his inability to prove his point of view. As a rule, the one who begins to insult is the one who understands that he is wrong, but his inflated ego does not want to give in, and cannot find any other way than to say nasty things. Remember that an insult will not improve the situation, but will only become the basis for a new quarrel, an even greater conflict.
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9. Watch your tone.
Sometimes it’s not so much the words, but the tone with which they are spoken that can greatly offend your interlocutor. Therefore, always watch how you pronounce this or that phrase. Don't be sarcastic, don't tease, don't make fun of any qualities, because most people may not like this behavior. Always try to put yourself in the place of another, to project your actions onto yourself. Behave the way you want to be treated.
10. Don't throw tantrums.
It has been said more than once that hysteria is a powerful way to manipulate another person. Yes, it can calm the conflict for a while, but the problem will remain, the situation will never be resolved. So what's the point of being hysterical, behaving defiantly, raising your tone if, as a result, everything remains as it was?
But what if you are not the initiator of the conflict? What to do in such a situation?
Keep your mouth shut Remember, in school years were you advised to lock your mouth and throw it away? Try something similar. To make sure you don’t say anything unnecessary, fill your mouth with water and wait until your husband says everything he was going to say. If you suddenly swallow water, take more. A person cannot talk to himself for a long time. Soon he will get tired of it and he will shut up. And discuss the situation itself later, when he leaves.
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Act outside the box If you are being yelled at, try hugging or kissing your husband. It is unlikely that after this he will want to continue the quarrel. You can also try to move the conversation to another topic. Ask for a glass of water or to close the window.
You should not cling to words. A phrase taken out of context loses its original meaning. You should not cling to individual words, because then you are guaranteed a huge scandal.
Don't think that you are the root cause of everything. You are not always the cause of a quarrel. Perhaps the cause of irritation is failure at work, a quarrel with friends, or the rudeness of others. After all, not everything revolves around you.
Remember, when the right approach, any aggression can be minimized. The main thing is to know how to do it.
In order to achieve a happy relationship with your marriage partner, you need to strive to get to know him as best as possible: be interested in his hobbies, his opinion, himself.It is necessary to know not only him strengths, but also try to understand its weaknesses. Those who are exclusively occupied with themselves and their problems cannot fully communicate with other people, and especially with their spouse.
2. Listen to each other.
The ability to hear another is a more valuable ability than the ability to speak. For example, if a tired husband comes home from work, and his wife immediately bombards him with a stream of information: gossip about neighbors, complaints about children’s disobedience, a shortage of clothes in her wardrobe, then this will not contribute to mutual understanding between them. In this case, the man will have to be left alone with his thoughts.
It was more correct for the wife to let her husband speak first, listen to him carefully, and only then talk about her current affairs.
3. Talk to your spouse about what interests him.
In addition to being a good listener, it is also important to make it clear that you follow and understand your partner's train of thought. It is important to let the other person know that you are interested in the content of the conversation.
4. Don't criticize each other.
Often it is the tendency to criticize that fuels discord between spouses, because if we criticize another, there is no doubt that we will be criticized in return. If you think that your partner is imperfect, then before you start criticizing him, take a closer look at yourself. You will probably find many shortcomings in yourself.
Criticism should not affect the spouse’s merits; it should convey a positive message. If you make a comment, be sure to also find something to praise your partner for.
5. Don't give orders to each other.
Nobody likes to be given orders because it reminds them of responsibilities, and marriage is a place where both feel equal. Therefore, orders cause natural resistance. To avoid this, reformulate the order into a question or request.
6. Know how to admit your mistakes.
If you admit and correct your mistakes in time, you can avoid many quarrels and conflicts. The ability to understand and admit your weaknesses is a sign of growing up and helps you successfully manage a conflict situation.
7. Praise each other.
Most people always express dissatisfaction when they don't like something. However, few people remember to praise our partner for what we like. It is recommended to slightly idealize your partner and talk about him as if he is already what you want.
8. Get into each other's position.
Very often we do not notice what is happening in the soul of our partner. For example, a wife can stand at the stove all evening, preparing a delicious dinner and thinking about how happy her husband will be. And the husband will come, gloomy, nervous, eat half of it and push the plate away. The wife will consider her husband inattentive to her and will be offended by him. But she didn’t think about the fact that he had trouble at work. And he didn’t realize that she spent two hours trying for him.
Each partner must put himself in the other’s shoes, trying to understand his thoughts and experiences. In this case, you will be able to be more tolerant of others and avoid conflicts.
9. Don't quarrel.
Quarrels do not solve problems, but only increase feelings of injustice and tension. This does not mean that you need to remain silent. You need to communicate, but not contradict your partner. When we tell another “you are wrong”, “it is your own fault”, we seem to let him know that he is bad or stupid. This will be unpleasant for everyone. By doing so, we are not helping our opinion to be heard, even if it is correct.
10. Smile at each other.
It is difficult to conflict with someone who is smiling and friendly towards you. Our mood is quickly transmitted to others. You can be sure that if you smile at your spouse, he will reciprocate your feelings. Kindness always relieves tension and defuses the situation.
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There is probably not a single family in which quarrels and scandals do not arise. Of course, this happens differently for each family, but the result is always the same - resentment, misunderstanding, tears and disappointment. Someone is ready to forget and make peace in just five minutes, forgetting about the quarrel, while someone will torment their partner with their silence for a long time and then for several more days (months) will remind him of all the previous “shoals”.
Why does it happen that at work we seem to be “white and fluffy”, but at home, as if “changing clothes”, we take off the mask of goodwill and become angry, irritated, unrestrained and intolerant?
And all because, tormented by the prohibitive demands that a hectic life presents to us every day, we still somehow try to restrain ourselves at work, so as not to seem poorly mannered, intolerant, and God knows what else - our positive image should work for career advancement stairs But all the bad and negative things that we have hidden within ourselves and are not expressed at work, we carry home. It is to the family that we bring grief, resentment, Bad mood. Because at home there is nothing holding us back - we are not afraid of losing a bonus, or even a job, we are not afraid of showing ourselves in an unfavorable light. At home, we allow ourselves to throw off all our masks and remain, so to speak, “uncut,” without that superficial falsehood and goodwill with which we have become so accustomed at work and in other public places.
And if, when we come home, we are not met with at least a little understanding and sympathy in response, then the “bad” energy accumulated during the day immediately spills out on our loved ones in the form of quarrels and scandals. And after all, some nonsense reason is enough for the flame to flare up.
What causes quarrels most often?
According to sociologists, more than 50% of married couples have quarrels due to different methods and views on raising children. In second place is money and its “inappropriate” use. In third place is the struggle for leadership, in fourth place are the attempts of one of the spouses to re-educate the other, in fifth place is the discrepancy between the spouses’ views regarding spending time together.
But in all this hectic life, where every day is a struggle for survival, for some reason we try less and less to hear, understand and accept each other, we become less tolerant of our soulmate. For some reason, many of us decided that those closest to us, no matter what, would always understand and forgive us. And therefore they can be rude, insulted, humiliated. And most importantly, by causing moral pain with some offensive phrase, an unpleasant accusation, you make your loved one suffer, although, in fact, you don’t think so at all. But this casually thrown phrase can greatly hurt him, leaving a deep resentment in his soul.
So what should we do? How to make sure that the accumulated “steam” is released and not completely quarrel?
You also need to quarrel skillfully, and now we will try to master this subtle psychological art. Of course, not perfectly, but knowing a few rules will help you maintain a warm atmosphere in the house and not become enemies with your significant other.
1. Learn to listen patiently to complaints and adequately perceive critical barbs addressed to you, even if they are completely unpleasant. Give your partner the opportunity to speak out to the end, no matter how disgusted you may be at that moment.
2. Before answering, count to 10. This simple practice will prevent you from exploding and saying offensive and insulting things to your interlocutor, which you will probably regret in the future.
3. Speak in a quiet voice (but so that you can be heard clearly), even if your spouse breaks into a scream. There is no need to add gasoline to the fire of the flaring conflict. Try to present killer arguments that are clear and understandable to your “opposite side” and, most importantly, offer a real way out to solve this problem.
4. Remove mentoring (instructive) notes from your vocabulary. You need to talk to an adult like an adult, and not lecture him like a first grader. Pay attention to the words, no matter how bad you feel at that moment, try to remove all offensive, offensive words. Give up reproaches and judgments that can humiliate your partner.
5. In your argumentative speech, try to avoid phrases like: “You always do this” or “you do this too.” This conversation level kindergarten" will get you nowhere.
6. Never sort things out in the presence of a third party, especially children. Witnessing a quarrel will only increase your desire to defeat your opponent, but will not lead to a reasonable decision.
7. In the heat of the moment, do not make any categorical statements like “We are breaking up,” “I am getting a divorce.”
8. Try not to turn your back on the “enemy” (this is offensive) and, moreover, to leave the “battlefield” in proud silence.
9. If the interlocutor is very unpleasant to you, then try to “hide” behind a mask of “inner irony” - humor kills anger. But under no circumstances do you put on a forced smile, and especially don’t include sarcastic, feigned laughter in your “performance.” This will only worsen the conflict.
10. Never sort things out when you’re drunk, because while intoxicated, neither you nor your interlocutor can adequately control their emotions and behavior. And although in your normal state you are cute, positive people, but alcohol works wonders for “transformation” and a quarrel can very quickly escalate into a drunken brawl.
In any case, try to find a way out. And the solution to any quarrel can be a compromise. So look for this compromise and, having found it, do not miss the moment and boldly move towards reconciliation.
Treat quarrels and conflicts philosophically: you cannot do without them. But having mastered the art of quarreling and the ability to control yourself, you will certainly learn to “extinguish” conflicts in the bud. Then no one will simply have time to get offended and say all sorts of offensive words to each other.
10 rules for resolving conflicts.
It's no secret that avoiding quarrels is not easy. Even in the most happy families Quarrels happen. Of course, building relationships in such a way as to completely avoid quarrels is almost impossible. But it is necessary to learn how to get out of conflict situations. You don't need a huge scandal, right?
The best option is a compromise. Find a solution that suits both sides. Remember, if one of the parties makes concessions but remains unconvinced, then the problem is not solved. After a while you will encounter her again.
Here are some tips on how to reduce conflict situations to a minimum. They will be useful not only for women, but also for men.
1. Learn to control your emotions. Coping with your emotions is not as difficult as it seems at first glance. Try to look at the situation from the outside. Imagine watching a movie. Yes, you feel sorry for the main character, but he is not you, and therefore you can analyze the situation impartially. Even if you don’t succeed the first time, the main thing is training.
2. Don't beat yourself up. Don't beat yourself up. If your husband is late after work, you should not fill your head with terrible thoughts about the accident or about another woman. You shouldn't start making trouble as soon as he crosses the threshold. Before he arrives, we remember the first advice and extinguish negative emotions. Try to figure out why you are so worried about this and what you really feel.
3. Select a time to talk. You shouldn't get into trouble. If your husband comes in irritated, put off the conversation. And remember, you shouldn’t start a conversation with a hungry person who hasn’t had enough sleep, much less drunk.
4. Fight the cause, not the effect. Find out what caused the conflict. It is worth discussing and resolving it, and not the quarrel itself. This will greatly speed up the solution to the problem.
5. Do not remember the past. In addition, remember, you should not start a quarrel while remembering all previous sins. Limit yourself to what happened at this very moment.
6. Don't accumulate problems. Solve problems as they arise. You shouldn't wait until there are enough of them. Discuss problems gradually and never return to them.
7. Don't hold a grudge. Talk about the offense calmly and without hysterics. You shouldn’t carry it inside yourself - the sooner you speak out, the faster it will pass.
8. Don't stoop to insults. This is also quite important. Insults are a new reason for quarrels.
9. Don't be sarcastic and avoid irony. Remember, sometimes it is not the words, but the tone with which you pronounce them that offend the interlocutor.
10. Don't throw tantrums Did you know that hysterics are considered a form of manipulation?
Remember, with the right approach, any aggression can be minimized. The main thing is to know how to do it.
Situations when contradictions flare up are a natural phenomenon in human communication. Quarrels are caused by misunderstandings, attempts to speculate or decide for another, differences in ideals, aspirations, upbringing, and other aspects that make people different. The results of such a confrontation are different, taking into account the characteristics of the behavior of everyone involved in it and their aspirations. Still, rarely does anyone win in such circumstances, so it is advisable to think about how to avoid conflict. Here are some psychological recommendations that will come in handy.
Ability to retreat in a timely manner
Advice on how to avoid conflict often includes 10 points or more. One of the recommendations often found in such a list is to stop the discussion in order to avoid a further outburst of negative emotions. The decision to retreat makes sense when confronted with obvious trolls - those who cannot imagine a day without quarrels, because they seem to feed on other people’s negativity. There is no need to “feed” these individuals.
Use of humor
Many instructions on how to avoid conflict often include advice on using a sense of humor, if present. This approach is effective in situations where one of the conflicting parties is irreconcilable, refuses to recognize the possibility of compromise, and is known as a brawler. If the second person tries to turn someone else’s offensive statement into a joke, deliberately exaggerating such a statement, this will reduce the degree of emotions.
How to Avoid Conflicts at Work: Maintaining Unity
One explanation for why Japan managed to avoid major social conflicts lies in the recognition of employers and their subordinates as members of a single team. The same principle is useful, in addition to working relationships, also in the family. Everyone needs to realize: regardless of the contradictions that appear, there are common tasks to be accomplished. Any shocks affect the success of the entire company.
How to avoid conflict at work with colleagues: recognizing the right to a different opinion
No matter how competent a particular person is, he does not have a perfect understanding of all processes in the field of activity in which he is involved. It is worth recognizing that another employee, regardless of status or experience, has the right to think differently and offer other solutions to production problems. Instead of insulting, it is advisable to listen to him or her.
How to avoid conflicts in a team: refraining from unnecessary speculation
One of the frequent reasons for confrontation between people, regardless of who they are to each other, is one person’s conjecture of the situation and action based on such fantasies. Before doing this, it is necessary to find out how real circumstances correspond to fantasies.
How to avoid conflicts in the family: discussing contradictions
Each member of a single family will certainly find something in the behavior of the other that causes dissatisfaction, negative emotions. We must not throw them out, but discuss such moments in a calm atmosphere. When expressing your arguments, you should listen to the considerations of the other party, his or her arguments. Then together look for compromise solutions that would suit everyone.
Development of self-control
Many people had to write essays about how to avoid conflicts with loved ones during their school years, but in practice, not everyone understands what to do in such a situation. One of the key points in ensuring a conflict-free existence is the development of self-control. Having noticed that your counterpart is clearly provoking, take several slow breaths or exhale or calm down in another way.
How to avoid conflict with parents: cooperation
Representatives of different family generations conflicting with each other are a common occurrence. This does not mean that it is impossible to reach an agreement, but several conditions are required to reach a compromise:
- the ability to admit one's own wrong;
- decreased degree of emotionality;
- demonstrating the importance of another's opinion;
- taking into account the condition parental health or mood;
- sufficient degree of frankness.
How to avoid conflicts with loved ones: avoiding harsh criticism
When interacting with those who are dear to you, it is necessary to be tactful and avoid being categorical in expressing claims. Taboo - comparing loved ones with other people's parents, children or spouses in favor of the latter. Such an approach is humiliating and will cause a natural reaction of rejection on the part of your counterpart. Claims must be presented in a soft form and constructive solutions offered.
How to avoid interethnic conflicts: searching for commonality, not contradictions
It is unacceptable to extrapolate stereotypes concerning different nationalities to their specific representatives. We must look not for what separates, but for similarities. There are many unifying factors among people who are supposedly dissimilar in nationality. Children should be taught not to make fun of those who are different, but to build relationships without taking into account skin tone, nose size, or other differences.
