Hello, dear readers! While awaiting the arrival of my second baby, I dug through a mountain of books about childhood jealousy and sibling relationships. I listened to webinars, talked to other mothers, read articles... Before, I was very theoretically savvy. I was sure that this would not happen to us. After all, I know that I need to pay a lot of attention to my eldest daughter! I know that I have to come home from the maternity hospital with a gift. That you can’t actively admire the baby and the like... But now I understand that children’s jealousy at the birth of a second child is in many cases inevitable. In this article I will tell you what helped me completely neutralize this unpleasant moment.
How was it for us?
At the moment, our daughter is 2 years and 10 months old, and our son is 9.5 months old. Now I can confidently say that there is no jealousy in our family. But it was. True, only two weeks...
Every mother understands that with the arrival of a brother, it will be very difficult for the eldest child. For obvious reasons. He will have to go through some stress. You will have to get used to a new family member and new conditions. The Internet is full of advice like “spend more time with your older child,” “the interests of the older child should be taken into account first,” and so on. But even if you do everything right, there is a high probability that your child will still become jealous of the younger one. After all, there is no way you can live the same way as before and pretend that nothing has changed. Of course, unless the newborn sleeps 24 hours a day.
Here we are. Despite the active help of my husband, I had to constantly feed the baby and carry him in my arms. At the same time, I played with my daughter a lot, a lot, and gave the newborn to dad at every opportunity. In the first month, it is still easy to combine activities with both children. The baby still fits in one arm and is ready to nurse for a long time. In most cases, you can somehow adapt and play with the older one while the second child is in your arms.
So, despite all my efforts, a little jealousy was still present. The daughter took away her brother’s pacifier, clothes, diapers... She was more capricious and excited. Parents do not need to be afraid of small problems at the initial stage. Most often, they pass quite quickly. You just need to be patient and do your best.
After two weeks, the eldest child began to feel calmer about the new little one. And a month later the conflicts stopped altogether. Some kind of love and affection came only six months later, but the main thing was the absence of jealousy. All this required from me sensitivity and the ability to translate theory into practice... All children have different temperaments, and my advice cannot suit absolutely everyone. But perhaps this will help you quickly establish relationships between brothers or sisters.
The first months with two children
Of course, it’s the most difficult one. It has its advantages: a newborn does not claim any toys, sleeps a lot (even if on the chest), and does not need to be actively monitored. And there are downsides. The most important of which is that the eldest child is not yet used to sharing his mother and brother. What to do? For successful adaptation don't forget the following rules:
- Work with your older baby not just a lot, but a lot. More than usual. Of course, this is not always possible. You also need to somehow catch your breath and recover after childbirth. You yourself should come first (a tired, irritated mother will do no good to anyone), and the eldest child should come second. Everything else is on the third. A household- on the twentieth.
- Let the older baby “play” with your wonderful “toy” - a newborn. Teach him to gently touch the newborn. Try to translate everything into a game and do everything together. Change diaper, dress, bathe. Some mothers recommend giving their eldest daughter a large doll. And let everyone rock their own doll. You can try, of course. But this didn’t work for us. No doll can compare with a living child. Main principle- When dealing with the little one, concentrate on the older child. Do everything through the elder. When you change your diaper, have a conversation with your elder. Show him everything, explain it. The majority of your energy should be focused on your first baby.
- Even if your first child is not yet two years old, avoid enthusiastically discussing your birth and everything related to the newborn in front of him. And don’t show your delight at the sight of these little arms and legs at all. Yes, it's difficult. But all the tenderness and enthusiastic kisses are appropriate only when the elder is already asleep. After a few months, you will be able to become more free with your feelings. And then, with an eye on the reaction of the elder. And at first, try to be as restrained as possible.
- When you can’t be restrained, compensate for the delight of your newborn with the delight of your first child. Are you touched by your first smile? Immediately and sincerely praise your big baby. Hug, caress. So that he can see that they haven’t forgotten about him.
- Try not to compare children. Especially out loud. Modern psychology tirelessly repeats this. Children will differ from each other, but it is better to draw parallels less often. “Sasha turned over at 3 months, and Vanya only at 4” - we are all guilty of such comparisons, but let the kids hear them as little as possible.
- It is advisable to eliminate many possibilities for rivalry. At first, you should not put the baby in your older brother’s crib or stroller. Then - yes, you can smoothly come to this (and even then, not always).
General things
When the baby grows a little, he begins to encroach on all the nearest toys. Starts to break “towers” of cubes built by someone else. He begins to tear up the drawings. And books, if mom didn’t have time to put them somewhere higher. How to avoid jealousy?
How to react to attacks of jealousy?
And so your elder begins to behave somewhat aggressively, to be capricious, to intensely demand attention... Often children ask their mother to get rid of the newborn, and they become very harmful and greedy. Our daughter demanded to “put Lala back in her belly.” There is nothing to worry about here, the main thing is to respond to such behavior in a timely manner. There is no need to fight jealousy. It needs to be neutralized gently. Find time and energy for your older child. Play with him even more. Hug him even more. Give even more praise. Yes, it's not easy. But you have to try.
Useful video on how to cope with irritation with your first child from a psychologist:
And the last one important advice: At every opportunity, show your elder how much your brother loves him. You can “stroke” it with the hands of a younger toddler. Hug. And emphasize: “Do you see how happy he is with you? Look how he looks at you! See how much he loves you! And this is him talking to you. He wants to hug you so bad! It’s a pity that he can’t do it yet.” It's not that difficult. Usually babies are really delighted with their big brothers and sisters...
Did your children have jealousy? How did you cope? Share in the comments!
Subscribe to blog updates. And tell your friends about this article! I wish you a peaceful and happy motherhood. See you again!
A little jealousy between children is a normal phenomenon; you should not focus on it and spend special efforts to prevent it. Parents often don't realize that worrying too much about this is causing them to behave in ways that end up making them more jealous. For example, a mother tries to cut a pie into exactly identical pieces, so as not to arouse suspicious looks from the children - whether someone else has been given more. But then the children look at their mother even more closely at this time. And the more we try to avoid possible offense, the more sensitive children become.
The best thing you can do to eliminate jealousy is not to worry about it. Most children get jealous sometimes; but if no attention is paid to this, they stop doing it themselves.
Jealousy of the new baby
Much has already been written about the jealousy of the “dethroned” eldest child. At first, as they explain, while he is the smallest, he receives the lion's share of his parents' attention. And suddenly a new newcomer takes away this prerogative from him, and jealousy arises as a result. Of course, many older children do experience this feeling towards the new baby; but it does not follow from this that this is obligatory for each of the children.
The main thing is not to be constantly on guard, noting all the symptoms of jealousy. If they are present, this is a normal phenomenon, and there is nothing to sound the alarm about. Parents should not make the mistake of going to great lengths to appease the older child's jealousy, such as giving in to his demands when they are holding the little one, or rushing to put him down when he is waiting for attention; this only increases the elder’s harassment. Don't hesitate to show your affection for your new baby, and don't feel like you have to hug the older one when you hug the baby.
Parents can help the older child develop a positive attitude towards the younger one by providing him with maximum opportunities to care for the little one and asking him for help. Children naturally feel the helplessness of the little one, and this makes them feel like protectors, so they have a desire to do something for him. A small child can give a bottle, bring a diaper, or even help feed and dress a younger one. And if you ask to hold your baby, place him on a carpeted floor to ensure safety.
Fortunately, the baby mostly sleeps during the first months of its life and, apart from purely physical care, does not need our attention. Therefore, give most of it to the eldest, so that with our help he will gradually get used to sharing it with the younger child.
If an older child needs to be moved to a larger bed to make room for a smaller one, it is better to do this a few months earlier, otherwise he will feel that the baby has displaced him from his place. And also, if he has to start going to a nursery, send him there in advance, about two months in advance, so that he doesn’t think that because of the little one he lost his home.
So that your elder does not disturb you during feeding and he has something to do, keep some toys near you. One mother of several small children reads to the elders at this time. And before sitting down with the baby, she tells them: “Take your toys and books - now we’ll sit together.” Of course, if there are older children nearby, you can ask them to play with the younger ones for now; then you can enjoy your alone time with your baby.
Often a child reacts to the appearance of a baby by saying that he also wants to be small. He also asks for a bottle and a pacifier and acts like a baby. But such temporary regression is not a matter of concern. Parents can be somewhat humorous about this childish desire, while at the same time emphasizing the benefits of an adult child. If he wants to drink from a bottle for a while, let him drink; he won't want it for long. He will see that the milk flows very slowly and that sucking from the bottle is not at all as pleasant as he thought. As for the pacifier, which can damage teeth if used for a long time, it is best for him to take it only when he goes to bed. And when he falls asleep, you can take it out of his mouth, having first explained to him why we are doing this.
Sometimes an older child may show his jealousy with suspicious hugs that make the baby cry. The main thing here is that we do not think that he deliberately wants to hurt him; better understand it as an awkward expression of emotion. And instead of shouting to him: “You are hurting the little one!”, tell him: “Hug the child more tenderly.” And you can explain: “You are big and strong; you don’t understand that when you hug a child, you hurt him - that’s why he cries. Let me show you how to hug him” (and for example, hug him yourself). "Now let's see how you can hug him tenderly."
And the same thing happens if an older child plays like this with a baby. Take the child's hand in yours and say: "The baby is delicate and we must treat him gently. If we are too rough, he will get hurt." And with the other hand, gently stroke the child’s face and hand with the words: “Look - this is nice. Now do this to the little one.” And with the child’s hand, gently stroke the baby’s face and arms, as if saying: “Look, the little one likes it. It’s nice. Now do it.” And after letting him do it, praise him and hug him.
Physical attacks on an infant naturally cannot be tolerated. We must immediately take the elder and tell him calmly but firmly: “I will not allow you to be with the baby if you are hurting him.” And the child should be sent to another part of the house for a while. It is important not to scold or shame him because this may increase his feelings of hostility.
Jealousy between other children
Obviously, parents should not have favorites, because especially among children close in age, this can cause jealousy. The Talmud writes that Yaakov singled out Yosef by giving him special clothing.
You should never give away one of the children, because Yaakov gave Yosef wool weighing two grays more than the other sons, because of this, the brothers hated him, and our forefathers had to go into exile in Egypt.
While some degree of jealousy between children is always possible, parents can minimize it by never comparing children. You can’t tell a child: “Why aren’t you like your brother (or sister)?” Try not to praise any of your children or extol their achievements in front of others if you suspect that this may cause jealousy. When one of the children is jealous of another who is smarter or more capable, do not try to talk to him based on his feelings, for example: “It doesn’t matter that you don’t shine in school, but you do well in sports.” It’s better to show him that you understand him: “I know you want the same grades as your sister.”
We can teach children that envy is bad trait. It causes harm to others, but most of all to the one who envies. And emphasize that envy seems to be directed outward, but in fact it makes the envious person unhappy, because he endlessly torments himself with the fact that others have some kind of property or talents.
Younger children may be jealous of older children's privileges, such as being allowed to go to bed later. But a sympathetic response, "I know, but it's time for you to go to bed," usually calms arguments and helps children accept the situation.
At the same time, it must be realized that it is neither achievable nor desirable to treat all children exactly the same. We need to keep this in mind when a child accuses us of singling out one of the children.
For example, eight-year-old Sarah was bought a new backpack because the old one was torn. Her older sister Miriam complains: “It’s not fair! She doesn’t take care of her backpack and gets a new one, but I don’t!” In general, you should resist the temptation to engage in explanations with your child. It's better to just express your sympathy. And here, instead of saying: “But look, yours is still in excellent condition - you don’t need a new one!”, We can take pity on the jealous sister: “I know, you also want a new one. But, honey, in fact he you don't need it." Surprisingly, this is usually enough to help the child overcome his feelings of unhappiness and accept the situation. Sometimes you can simply answer with a friendly smile: “Yes, that’s it.” Of course, you should never tell a child: “You can’t always have what you want!”; this only makes the child even more unhappy and does not in the least weaken his jealousy. And it’s better not to try to balance the situation - for example, it’s not a good idea to promise the older girl to buy a new pencil case.
Remember that the child shouts "No fair!" in hopes that this will weaken your position and help him get what he wants. Don't let him make you defensive. Don't try to prove that you are actually honest. And don't let yourself get angry at the dishonesty of his accusations!
And all this is not because children’s complaints are always unjustified. If later, after thinking about the situation, we come to the conclusion that we were wrong, we need to do everything in our power to clarify it. But even then, our response to the child should not express our guilt or apology. Whether he's right in his complaint or not, we shouldn't say more than a bland "We're doing our best to treat you all fairly"
Sometimes a child accuses his parents of loving another child more than him. This is where a sympathetic response is best. Any criticism like “Why are you so jealous?” will only increase his jealousy.
And attempts to dissuade the child, for example: “You have no reason to be jealous - you know, we love all children equally,” usually do not help either. The parent should listen carefully to the child and first respond with an expression of his feelings: “It seems to you that I love your brother (sister) more than you. Let me tell you something. I have a big heart, and there is room in it for love for each of them.” you. I love each and every one of my children."
We cannot treat all children equally, and it is equally impossible, no matter how much we wish, to love them equally. It may be painful to realize, but it is a fact that some children are simply easier to love than others. We are ready to feel this feeling for a child who behaves well, or for a little one who has a friendly and open nature. And we don’t need to react with guilt if we have any negative emotions towards difficult child. Rather, we should take it as a challenge, as our task to truly love this child too.
PROBLEMS DURING EATING
Meals are a time when you can often hear a chorus of voices saying, “This isn’t fair!” or “She got it more!” Don't feel bad thinking how terrible it is that your children have these bad qualities; It's better to take it as something funny. Refrain from responses like “Stop it, it doesn’t matter!” It’s better to say with humor: “So you don’t want your piece?”
You can talk to your children later. You can start with a question: "Suppose you are sitting alone at a table and get a piece of pie. Will you be happy?" Of course, the children will answer yes. "But now there is someone else at the table, and he also got the pie, and you see that his piece is bigger. And suddenly you are unhappy about the same piece of pie that you were happy about before. Tell me what What do you need to do now to be happy again?” Someone will probably give a logical answer; and if not, then you give it: “Just don’t look at another’s piece to see if it’s bigger than yours. And then you’re happy.”
And now, if there are complaints again in the future, you only need to remind your children: “Remember what we said about not looking to see if someone else got more than you?”
A different method was suggested by one mother who saw that he quickly put an end to her children's complaints. When they shout that someone else was given more, she simply tells them:
"Whoever complains will get nothing."
And if all the children start shouting: “I want the first one!”, “It’s not fair, she always gets the first one!” - just ignore it and refuse to hand out food until they calm down.
When appears in the family youngest child or new dad, parents often see the older child’s jealous attitude towards the new family member. It is quite difficult for a child to accept new people into his “orderly” world, who, in his opinion, can take away the love of his mother or father. This fear is caused by the fact that the child is afraid of losing the love and attention of his parents. Such emotional shock is not unnatural or dangerous. In such cases, parents need to use common sense, be patient and listen to the advice that will be offered in this publication.
Why does childhood jealousy occur?
Childhood jealousy can occur for the following reasons:
- Uselessness. The child begins to develop complexes due to the appearance of a new person in the family. After all, because of this, the entire routine in the house changes dramatically, and the child cannot quickly adapt to new conditions, believing that he has been relegated to the background. This feeling of being forgotten and useless can constantly accompany a child if parents do not help him overcome these feelings.
- Attention deficit . A child may feel a lack of attention when another child appears in the family. Then mother’s eternal words: “Don’t make noise, don’t touch, don’t do anything, don’t scream,” etc. do not leave him the right to develop the way he wants. The mother spends most of her time with the baby, as he needs special attention, and the first-born gets much less attention than before the appearance of a younger brother or sister.
- Fear. A small child feels an overwhelming sense of fear of losing the love of mom or dad. When he sees that his mother has a new love object, he is torn by feelings of fear and jealousy. In most cases, mothers do not take such mental trauma to their child seriously enough.
Types of childhood jealousy: how jealousy manifests itself in a child
Often, parents do not immediately understand that their child is jealous. Therefore, if you see your child sad, offended, withdrawn or aggressive, you should definitely talk to him unobtrusively. And if he does not make contact, then you need to observe his behavior and determine the real reason his bad mood.
In child psychology there are the following types jealousy:
- Passive. Usually the child does not outwardly show his dissatisfaction. On the contrary, he withdraws into himself, becomes lethargic and uninteresting. Sometimes children show apathy towards the world around them.
- Aggressive. In this case, the first-born actively expresses his “no” to his younger brother or sister, stepfather or stepmother. The child does not allow him to take his things, gets angry that his toys are touched, etc. Emotionally, the child becomes quick-tempered, whiny, capricious, and disobedient. He bullies the youngest child and does not want to share his things.
- Semi-explicit. This is the most unpredictable type of jealousy. For example, a child does not show his true attitude towards the baby to his parents, but when left alone with a brother or sister, he tries to do something bad: offend, hit, take away toys, etc.
How to deal with different types of childhood jealousy: answers in the table
Table. How to help your child overcome jealousy ?
| Who is the child jealous of? | Causes and manifestations of jealousy | How to help a child overcome jealousy? |
| The child is jealous of his mother and father. | Jealousy often arises when dad works a lot and devotes time to his family only in the evening. When the father is close to the mother, the child can actively interfere with their communication. The baby is aggressive and tries to separate his father from his mother, even while sitting on the sofa. Often the child scratches or hits his dad. If a child sees his parents hugging or kissing, he may start crying or hysterical. In this way, the child wants to defend his exclusive right to his mother, her attention and care. | Initially, the child should feel warmth and care not only from his mother’s side, but also from his father’s.
If your baby wants to sit on the sofa with the intention of separating you, do not yell at him, but on the contrary, just hug him on both sides. Be sure to say the phrases: “I love mom” and “I love dad.” This way the child will quickly understand that you are one and also deserve free space. If the baby pushes his father away, the mother needs to hug both of them, thereby showing that she loves them equally. Make it a rule to give father and child the opportunity to be alone: go shopping, walk in the park, spend a day off together. Then the baby will see that you can love not only mom, but also dad. Indeed, often this situation occurs due to the fact that the father does not devote enough time to the baby. |
| The child is jealous of his mother towards his stepfather/father towards his stepmother. | The kid does not want to accept a “new family member” into his world, in which he felt comfortable and cozy even without his stepfather/stepmother.
Sometimes children believe that dad will come back, so they do not allow a person who, in his opinion, is “useless” into their family. Childhood egocentrism is a common phenomenon when a child does not want to share his parent with anyone. Negative attitude of the stepfather/stepmother towards the child. Excessive strictness of the new “father/mother”, an obvious change in household rules and regulations. Passive attitude of mother/father to conflicts between the new husband/wife and child. Most often, children become irritable, unbearable in character and behavior, try to do everything contrary, and throw up. |
Initially, the child should be prepared for the fact that a new person will come into his world. This can be done by bringing the potential new family member just for a visit first. Everything needs to be done gradually, without traumatizing the child’s psyche.
When the baby gets used to the fact that this person comes to visit, you can go for a walk in the park with the guest or take the baby on the rides. Then you can spend your leisure time for a long time, staying in the house all day. The parent must make it clear to the child that the arrival of a new person in the family will not reduce the love or care for him. This can only be shown if the parent really thinks so. Do not allow the “guest” to immediately set rules for the baby or punish him. Otherwise, the child may express complete protest towards the person coming. The stepfather/stepmother needs to learn to respect and accept the child for who he is, and not raise him in his own way. This will be done by the biological parent. The maximum a new family member can afford is to give the baby advice and gain authority with his intelligence, interest and care for the baby. |
| The child is jealous of his parents towards other children in the family. | The child is acutely aware of the appearance of a brother or sister in the family. He feels a lack of attention, uselessness, resentment that now his parents do not love him as much as before. The first-born does not allow his things to be taken, pushes the youngest away from him, and is jealous of the fact that his things are inherited by a brother or sister. Emotionally, the baby changes dramatically: aggression appears in the child’s behavior or, conversely, the baby withdraws into himself. The reasons for jealousy may be the following factors:
1. They began to devote less time to the baby. And this is natural, since a newborn requires special attention. But the older child cannot yet understand and accept this. 2. Children's "Ego". One child in the house is the favorite of all loved ones. When a newborn appears, the older child perceives him as a rival who is trying to “overthrow him from the throne.” 3. Wrong position of parents. Sometimes parents themselves become the culprits of their firstborn’s jealousy. The baby undoubtedly takes up all the free space and the parents’ excuse: “Go read it yourself, I’m busy” or “You’re already an adult, you can handle it yourself,” etc. is perceived as discrimination and can provoke the elder to aggression, anger, even hatred towards his brother or sister. |
Parents must wisely distribute time between their children, without depriving their first-born of attention. When your youngest falls asleep, spend time with your older child. You can do something with him in the kitchen, telling him things that are interesting to him (or use the method by inventing a fairy tale about the problem your baby has).
Don’t forget to hug and kiss your child, showing him your love. Teach your child to share from the very beginning early age, cultivating kindness in him. While there is no second child, teach him to share with you. Communicate with your baby. Try to explain to him that love cannot be divided, and that you love as unconditionally as before. Never compare children: “but your brother/sister doesn’t act as bad as you,” etc. The child will always feel competition, and therefore see his brother or sister as an enemy. |
Preventing jealousy in a child
In order to avoid situations where a child is jealous, you should take care of his mental balance in advance. There are several good and good rules for parents:
- Teach your baby to take care of loved ones.
- Teach your child to share. You shouldn’t give him the best, even in food. Do not focus your child’s attention on the fact that he is the center of the Universe.
- Do not push your baby away if he comes to you for a portion of affection and tenderness.
- Do not confront your child with the fact: “soon you will have a new dad/mom.” This pushes the child away, because he begins to think that his opinion is worthless and that he is not such an important member of the family.
- You can avoid provoking a child’s jealousy when a brother or sister appears if you monitor your own behavior. Before giving your newborn a crib, buy your first-born a new bed at least a couple of months before the arrival of a new family member. Psychologically prepare your baby for the fact that he will soon meet his brother or sister . Spend a few evenings explaining to your baby that the arrival of a baby will not affect your love and relationship.
- Don't change traditions. If you have some days that are dedicated to your older child, don’t forget about them.
- Teach your child not to feel the spirit of competition towards the newborn, but the need to protect and care for him.
Psychologists about childhood jealousy
Psychologist P.L. Basansky:
Children's egocentrism is a common phenomenon. And it lies in the desire for constant and undivided attention to oneself. We all sometimes really, really want this :). And what can we say about children? They simply need this - as confirmation unconditional love parents. Therefore, everything and everyone who distracts this very attention from them is perceived by children as rivals. This is how childhood jealousy arises.
Psychologist Elizaveta Lonskaya:
Competing for the attention of their parents is not at all uncommon between children, especially children of the same age. In my opinion, children’s rivalry and jealousy towards each other cannot develop without the help of parents - that is, when parents fall for the children’s desire to drag them into their “showdowns”. The quantity + quality of communication with children is also of great importance. If children do not have enough of it, and parents are always busy, this creates good ground for the development of jealousy.
Doctor med. Sciences, psychotherapist Viktor Kagan
Your most exciting questions marked “Magic Chest”! Answers will be published once a week.
“The manifestation of childhood jealousy is a normal and healthy phenomenon.
Jealousy arises from what children love. If they are unable to
love, then they do not show jealousy"
Donald Woods Winnicott, child psychiatrist and psychoanalyst
To start a conversation, a little experiment: Name the words starting with these letters “B”, “S”, “P”, “M”. Now let's see. Surely you named the words “dad” and “mom” with the letters “P” and “M”, but what about the letters “B” and “S”? Did you mention the words “brother” and “sister”? In my practice (in groups, seminars) this has never happened before. I even tried it on relatives - the effect was the same.
What's the matter?
It's a matter of "competitive instinct". The most fierce competitors are considered to be those who are genetically close: brothers/sisters. The Austrian psychoanalyst Alfred Adler (a student of Sigmund Freud) described a case that illustrates how strongly the addition of another child in the family affects the behavior of children: “The boy asked his parents to hold his sister in his arms.
Moreover, the parents were convinced that the boy loved his sister. But taking her in his arms, he soon, as if accidentally, threw her on the floor." Adler's teacher Sigmund Freud in one of his books describes another case. After the birth of his sister, 5-year-old Hans fell ill. In delirium, he shouted: "I don't want any sister ! Let the stork take her back!"
In my practice, I quite often come across various manifestations of childhood jealousy and am happy when it is noticeable. Because this means that the child can label his feelings.
Much more difficult is the situation when the child does not seem to be “jealous” and even loves his brother or sister, and the child is 2 or 3 years old... Such situations most often arise in families where the very thought of possible jealousy is simply unacceptable.
Such parents perceive jealousy as a “bad” feeling, they suppress it themselves by any means and try to forcibly instill love in the elder, ignoring the true feelings of the child. According to the same Adler, children who have common parents, but differ in age and gender, develop in different conditions, even if father and mother do not single out any of them.
Even if parents believe that the attitude towards the older child has not changed with the birth of the younger one. His parents pay him as much attention as before, have not deprived him of his previous privileges, do not make new demands on him, and love him no less than before the birth of their second child. All this is necessary for harmonious development child's personality conditions.
But unfortunately, this is not enough. The main thing is that the child feels that his parents love him. So that not only you, but also your baby knows that mom and dad are still needed. In fact, what is much more important is not the real situation in the family, but the child’s perception of this situation.
But the real situation is this: the older child doesn’t have many reasons to rejoice at the appearance of the younger one, rather the opposite! Before the baby arrived, he was the only one! He is the main member of the family - parents and relatives paid attention only to him, toys only for him, only his interests were significant, his mother prepared the food that he loves and many, many other important circumstances.
And when the mother was pregnant, the child, most likely, was really looking forward to a brother or sister. This, by the way, is another argument of many parents in denying the fact of jealousy. Have you ever thought about HOW does a child imagine having a brother or sister?
Can he know and assess in advance WHAT he will have to face when the baby appears? Children are waiting for a sister or brother and imagine him as a play partner and that’s it. Older children (usually girls) fantasize about how they will perform all sorts of manipulations with the little one, like with a doll, only alive.
And many are very disappointed when faced with the real situation, in which the baby is still very far from being a play partner. Moreover, often you can’t touch him, he screams, cries, his mother is always with him... Having become older sister or an older brother, the child is no longer the only one and this is a very serious experience for the baby.
Our daughter was even worried about the appearance of her cousins, because she competed for the love of her grandparents, for my husband’s and my attention when we were visiting.
I talked a lot and told my daughter about this, we talked about her feelings, so she was free in them- she could come up, hug me and say: “Mom, I’m jealous!” and receive in return a portion of love, attention and the assurance that with the advent of these babies, nothing has changed in my love for her.
Now she is 9 years old, but this competition, invisible to many, continues to remain in the background. Her behavior seems to say: “Look, I’m better!” For example, my niece has hit herself and cries theatrically for a long time, everyone consoles her (including her daughter).
After some time, my daughter hits her, as if by accident. That is, she didn’t do it consciously, but there was an unconscious impulse. I hit it hard, everyone noticed it, paid attention and began to feel sorry.
What is your daughter doing? She smiles, wipes away her tears and says: “Oh, it’s okay, it’ll pass now” - and this despite the fact that she was really in pain and the pain had not gone away yet, but this is a competitive struggle: “Look how patient I am and I don’t cry for half an hour !". Of course, all this is not thought out as a plan, she does not understand “what” she is actually doing and “why”.
Now I would like to dwell on the “hidden” signs of jealousy:
- The child became very nervous, easily excitable, and capricious. Or vice versa - passive, sad, does not want to play or does not know what he wants at all. At the same time, he doesn’t say anything bad about the younger one. And sometimes he repeats “I love my brother.”
- The child developed eating disorders. Lost appetite, changed dramatically taste preferences, what he used to love, now he doesn’t eat, and so on.
- Regression in self-care skills. In fact, this happens to almost all children when they are younger; this mechanism is based on the child’s very serious feelings. He sees that the baby receives a lot of love and attention, often the mother explains why (he himself does not know how to eat, dress, wash, etc.). And then the eldest thinks - that means if I become the same, then my mother will spend so much time with me. And the strict reaction of parents to such behavior of the child can only aggravate the situation.
- Activation of chronic diseases(for no apparent reason), frequent colds, injuries. Any health problems in which the mother will definitely turn all her attention to the first-born.
The influence of the difference in the age of children on the experience of jealousy
The smaller the difference in the ages of the children, the stronger the experiences of the firstborn. Many parents believe that a difference of 1-2 years is ideal, because children still “do not understand anything” - and this is a very dangerous misconception.
The main difficulty is that The goals and methods of achieving them for children with such an age difference are almost the same. This means that the competition will be quite tough.
Often this competition is vigorously fueled by the parents themselves:“He’s younger than you, but he doesn’t cry,” “Sasha’s picture is neater,” “You’re older, but you act like a little girl,” and so on.
Such comparisons do not motivate the child to achieve achievements as such, they evoke completely different feelings: rage, anger, resentment, hatred and the desire to surpass his brother/sister at all costs, but not because he himself needs it... But for this in order to “defeat” him and, as a result, earn the love and recognition of his parents.
If the age difference is 5 years or more, then provided that the situation is properly organized by the parents, rivalry can be minimized. Often, with such a difference in age, the elder becomes an authority for the younger, an ideal to which one wants to strive. Well, for an older person, the situation when people look up to him is also very attractive and not traumatic.
My cousin and I have an age difference of 4 years. I remember how she followed me with her tail and obediently played games that I came up with. Well, as I grew up, I was her main adviser on the topic of relationships with boys, etc.
Now we have the opportunity to observe the same picture with my sister - our daughters have an age difference of 4 years. I would like to note that It is not only the age difference that matters, but also the actual age of the children themselves.
The peak of their conflicts and difficulties in relationships occurred at the ages of 3-5 (nieces) and 7-9 (daughters) - they quarreled, fought, sorted things out. Of course, there is also another point here - they are cousins and both are the only and Finding themselves together, they had to learn to negotiate and hear each other.
In this sense, in a family of siblings, everything is different - they are initially in these conditions, so the adaptation period occurs faster.
The little secret of non-conflict relationships
This is the so-called "matchmaking". When you take children out of a position of equals. For example: “Slavik, help Timosha tie his shoelaces,” “Show me how to brush my teeth” - By removing yourself from the position of equals, you give the elder recognition: You are older, the little one is looking at you. At the same time, you indicate to the younger the position of the elder and his authority.
But here it is also important not to overdo it. Do not burden the elder with worries about the younger, he should not do this. Try to make it interesting for him, and it will be interesting when he is free to do it. This is your child and only you should walk/feed/dress him/her, etc. The elder may or may not do this.
- Prepare your child for the birth of your second baby. Even if the firstborn is just a baby. Talk about what he will be like, that you won’t be able to play with him right away. You can look at special books, ultrasound pictures, pictures from magazines. Let him listen to the kicks and heartbeat, tell him that he grew in your tummy in the same way. Don't forget to talk about how your life will change after having a little one. And don’t forget about feelings either, that he (your firstborn) will forever remain your first child, loved and adored, regardless of what the second one will be like.
- Teach independence and encourage its expression in every possible way. After the birth of your baby, this will be of great use to you. In addition, the child will not associate the need to eat on his own with the appearance of a sister who is “helpless” in this matter, if he had already done this before her appearance.
- In continuation of the previous recommendation, I would like to draw your attention to one more thing. All changes that should occur with the birth of a second child are best carried out before his birth.- trip to kindergarten, weaning (unless you plan to feed both), weaning off co-sleeping, etc. Otherwise, the child may associate all these changes with the appearance of the baby, which means that the rivalry will be stronger.
- Everyone’s situation is different, and so are the mother’s capabilities. If you understand that you cannot cope with two children at first, ask for help. Let your husband/mother/sister/mother-in-law take a vacation, time off, or go yourself where it will be easier for you, just don’t give your firstborn to relatives for a while... It just seems to you that the child doesn’t understand anything and doesn’t worry - for him this is a huge trauma - “a brother appeared, now they don’t like me and I’m no longer needed.”
- A gift to the first-born will help soften the situation of “entering the family” of a new person. Remember the answers - as a rule, guests bring flowers to mom, a “beautiful bottle” to dad, and a gift to the baby... Rarely does anyone think about a present for the first-born, but he also has a holiday and whatnot! He became an older brother or sister! Isn't this a reason to receive the gift you dreamed of?
- Don't react harshly if the firstborn, he dropped the pacifier, crushed the baby’s leg, spilled the milk, and so on. Be patient. And consider this an opportunity to talk about his feelings. I was 12 years old when my brother appeared and when my mother wasn’t looking, I pulled his arm or leg to make him wake up. I wanted to play with him, but he slept all the time
- Important point. Allow your child to be jealous! A seemingly simple phrase, “I see that you are jealous and it’s not easy for you,” can become very important for a child.
Firstly, You tell him his feeling and he begins to understand the name of what is happening to him.
Secondly, this reaction of yours “legalizes” this feeling - the child receives permission to feel jealousy, which means there is no need to suppress it. - Buying new clothes for the youngest, pamper your elder with something too.
- Consult with your firstborn: what to wear, which way to go for a walk and listen to advice. Indicate the position of the elder - he is more experienced, he is an example for the child.
- When you are busy with little ones, ask your husband/grandmother and so on pay attention to the elder.
- Spending time with the younger one can be beneficial for the older one. For example, while you are breastfeeding your baby, you can read a book that is interesting to your elder. At least a physics textbook. The little one doesn't care, but the older one enjoys it
- You should have time that you will spend only with one of the children. Only with the elder or only with the younger.
- Find time for yourself! This is a must. Raising two or more children requires much more effort, patience, and attention. Take care of yourself!
Remember that the birth of a second child is the time when a mother should pay maximum attention to the first! At first, the baby does not need much - food, care and warmth from the mother.
Many parents with two children of different ages, sooner or later faced the manifestation of strong childhood jealousy. And almost all mothers and fathers do not know what to do in such a situation. We will answer: do not ignore it under any circumstances. Try to understand the reasons for jealousy and act gently but persistently.
The family has a youngest child
The first attacks of jealousy usually occur when the older child, after the birth of the younger one, begins to feel less loved: it happens that the older child tries to harm the little brother or sister in some way, and the parents are even afraid to leave him alone with the baby.
To avoid this, psychologists usually advise preparing the older child for the arrival of the younger one in advance, especially if he has not yet asked for a brother or sister. Psychologists advise telling the older child as often as possible that his parents will love him and his future brother or sister equally strongly. In addition, you should talk about the positive aspects of your eldest child’s new status: that with the birth of the baby, the eldest will have new friend, who will always be by his side, and with whom he will have fun and not be lonely. Tell your child that a younger brother or sister is a real gift from life.
In addition, the child needs to form an idea of how babies look and behave, so that he does not think that he will suddenly have a smiling friend of the same age, and not a screaming baby.
Be sure to call your older and younger child different diminutives and nicknames. Do not give or give toys and things of an older person to a younger one without permission, especially those things that he is used to. When punishing older children for being naughty, give them the same job so that none of them gets the impression that because someone’s job is easier, that person is their parents’ favorite. If you have a younger child in bed with you, invite the older one too. Tell both children how much you love them, and that they both contain your soul and the meaning of life. Don’t set your other child as an example to your child: if you want to set someone as an example, then let it be other people’s children. If you praise the first child for successes and strengths that the second does not have, be sure to praise the strengths and successes of the second child. Tell your children that everyone is strong at some things and not so strong at others, and that this is completely normal.
After the birth of the youngest child, ask guests to first chat with the older one and bring a gift for him, and then go see the baby.
It is very important not to leave the baby alone with the older child at first - even if the older child loves him very much and does not express anything out loud that looks like jealousy. The child may simply be trying to feed the baby adult food or trying to get him out of the crib out of good intentions. Do not show your child that you were scared when you saw his desire to take the baby in his arms: thank him for his impulse, for his love for his younger brother. This is important so that the child does not think that you do not trust him with his younger brother or sister. Invite him to help you with something else: for example, bring your brother's socks or open a package of diapers. With an older child (and later with two), read fairy tales where there are brothers and sisters, watch films.
If the younger child bursts into tears or tears up the older child’s drawing, gently tell the baby in the presence of the older child: “You’re crying and don’t let our Vanechka do his homework,” “You can’t tear Vanechka’s drawings.” Play home videos that show your older child in infancy He also constantly cried, lay in his arms, and so on, so that the elder was sure that he received the same things in his infancy.
If you feel guilty because you think you are paying more attention to one of your children, this is normal - all good parents feel guilty and, most likely, your feelings are exaggerated. All it takes is your love, patience, and thoughtfulness to make each child feel loved.
What NOT to say to an older child
1. Don't turn your child into a responsible adult. With phrases like: “You are an adult now, you must, must now behave like an adult, be quieter, not disturb,” thus, you are depriving your baby of childhood;
“We can’t buy you this toy because you now have a little brother, and mom and dad don’t have money for such expensive toys,” don’t let the child conclude that some of his wishes are not fulfilled, that he is in what -limited due to the fact that he has a little brother.
2. Give your older child his space so you once again show that with the appearance of a baby in your life, you do not infringe upon him in any way. Therefore, the following phrases are unacceptable: “Well, give him your toy, he’s small” or: “You should give your crib to your little brother,” especially if the older one is barely three years old, when violation of personal space is very acutely perceived.
“Well, even if he breaks your tower made of cubes, is it difficult for you to build a new one?”
3. Never compare your older child with your younger one. Telling him: “Your little brother always eats what they give him, but you have to beg” or: “Even small child doesn’t behave like you,” you seem to emphasize that the youngest child has priority in the family over the eldest.
“Don’t be selfish, be quiet, he’s sleeping!” - the child may try after a while to deliberately start making noise after such a phrase.
You need to show the older child that you treat him and the younger one the same, and such phrases can greatly change his attitude towards the newborn and arouse jealousy.
What SHOULD you say to your older child?
1. Explain to the older child that the increased attention to his younger brother or sister is due solely to his helplessness, and not to the fact that he is more loved. “Look how little your sister is. You, too, were so little, and dad and I also rocked you in our arms, and you also cried at night. All the little ones cry at night." Phrases like this are needed so that your older child understands that he, too, was at that age and was looked after just as well as the younger one.
2. Gently encourage your child to take care of their own younger brother or his sister, so that he feels like a significant member of the family: “Look, your brother is sleeping. This means we won’t make any noise in the room, but will play together in the kitchen. Dad and I don’t run around the room and scream when you’re sleeping.”
“Do you want to let your sister play with this bear? The bear is bored because he sits on a shelf and no one plays with him. And Masha will play and give it back”: offer to give up the toy, but don’t insist and certainly don’t demand if the child doesn’t want to give up his things. Don’t forget to let your older child play with your younger child’s toys.
Emphasize the love of the younger one for the older one: “Look how your brother loves you, he smiles at you,” “He waved his hand at you,” “Look, he even crawls after you, not me.”
“He didn’t break your turret on purpose. He is still small and does not understand that he did something wrong, and he himself does not yet know how to make such beautiful turrets as yours. Let us build a new one."
“Would you like to play with me and dad while grandma takes a walk with Masha?”
“It’s so great that you wanted to feed your little sister! But it’s too early for her to eat cutlets and potatoes. For now she only eats milk from her mother’s breast.”
Signs of jealousy in an older child and feelings of loneliness
1. Or vice versa, he is too active. It’s not so bad if the child directly told you: “You love me less than him!” - in this case, you can immediately calmly talk to him and explain that when he was little, you also took care of him, that you love both children and are upset because you have to hear such words.
2. He's trying to get your attention. in different ways– not only strives to be obedient and show good result in class or studying, but also, on the contrary, refuses to obey, acts out, does something to spite you.
3. He often asks to be in the stroller with the younger one, asks to rock him in his arms like a younger one, or to breastfeed him, to give him a pacifier or a potty. In this case, just give him what he asks for - the child will try and understand that he no longer needs it and will calm down.
4. He tries to harm the younger one, especially when you ask him not to.
Of course, at first it is difficult to follow all these recommendations and maintain friendly relations between children in the family, while not forgetting to pay attention to your husband. But then, when the youngest child grows up, the friendship of your children to each other and to you will be the best reward for your efforts and your pride in life.
Olga Ananyeva
