- this is shock and humiliation, the first thing that scrolls through the head of a stunned woman is various options How to win your husband away from your mistress. Sometimes the longing for your ex-spouse gets stuck.
Before achieving a global goal, it is advisable to calm down, drink a glass of water (tea?) and understand yourself. How to remove a competitor is not a difficult question, it’s all about family relationships at all.
You can seduce a man who has a wife.
You can seduce a man who has a mistress.
But you cannot seduce a man who has a beloved woman.
Omar Khayyam
They leave not to whom, but from whom
All cases are individual, but there are natural situations of “boring” family life:- A man was married to himself (due to pregnancy; taken away from; when there is no love, but simply “two loneliness met”). So why be sad! You need to be honest with yourself: it’s time to let go of your ex-spouse.
- His mistress took him away using “black magic.” Science is skeptical about this manifestation, but does not exclude the negative influence of hypnosis and suggestion. The church will help you deal with this better. It doesn’t hurt to order services for your health.
- The wife turned into a “mother hen”, became a caring “mother” in a warm robe, cooking amazing soups. She thinks about the satiety and cleanliness of her husband, but forgets about intimate needs. And male nature requires physical temptations and affection!
- When omissions and claims accumulated over the years, the woman ceased to be a Muse.
When this frank self-interrogation is over, and the decision to beat off your husband is finally made, it’s time to take care of yourself and make your reflection in the mirror happy and beautiful! Has the king left? Long live the Queen!
- “Captain, captain, pull yourself up!”
Before the operation “How to get your husband back from your mistress,” it would be nice to take care of your health and appearance. We need to think about how to get rid of excess weight through regular exercise, shapewear and separate power supply. Correctly selected clothes can hide up to 5 – 10 kg! - “Love me, love me!”
Get rid of bad mood entertainment will help, interesting activities. You can sign up for a swimming pool, go to karaoke, learn the basics oriental dances. Depending on the circumstances, light flirting with attractive male representatives is not prohibited. - “Dress is a woman’s second nature.”
It wouldn’t hurt to reconsider your wardrobe either, but how can you delete a few years from your passport? Choose a stylish hairstyle!
When the homewrecker is to blame
How to return the most dear of men from the “networks” of a mistress is suggested by the advice of experienced psychologists and family consultants. This applies to ex-partners in the same way.3 main directions in the art of “how to remove a competitor”:
- They advise you to just wait as if nothing happened. Men understand that new lover They are on their honeymoon, and they hardly want to take on the burden of her problems.
A fling for a few weeks doesn't mean anything. A relationship on the side for more than 3 months is already a serious habit; it’s time to act, and not think about how to discourage your husband from a new hobby.
- There are lifelong ladies' men. When marrying such a man, a woman has no illusions about his monogamy. Such men are wolves in sheep's clothing. You can only feel sorry for the naive “homewrecker” girl.
- Another type of action that dictates how to remove the third wheel is to become better, more precisely, yourself (after all, his wife once drove him crazy)!
Why not use its principles:
- “Sex is the head of everything.” They leave a family for another not for delicious pastries, but to plunge into the ocean of intimate desires. Who, if not the spouse, knows what his beloved loves in bed, what has turned him on for years? A wife needs to forget about embarrassment and awkwardness, and make her man truly happy, without remorse.
- "Goldfish". It is foolish to believe that a spouse only holds intimacy with another. His mistress silently listens to how he dreams of jumping with a parachute or is afraid of the dentist. And she never asks for anything.
- "Play with me!" It’s better to visit a sex toy store with your loved one or arrange a home striptease. Even such a detail as forgetting to wear underwear under a dress will always turn a man on.
A man needs to be able to listen and not openly bombard him with everyday requests. Before asking to pick up your baby from kindergarten, you can kiss your spouse and look tenderly into their eyes, and not command or order them.
The behavior of the most confused person will tell you how to get everything back. He loves homemade cutlets, doesn't he? Have you ever wanted to go to a concert or on a hike? An understanding, like-minded wife is the best gift for him.
In addition, you can start from the Buddhist formula, when they advise you to eat, love and be sure to pray. You need to provide this to your partner - cook delicious food, love him, sometimes make him jealous and believe him. This is an effective technique for weaning your legitimate other half from wrong relationships.
A brilliant idea from a sociology teacher’s blog:
- If your husband left for another, then her husband left for a third, etc.
Wait, someone's husband will come to you soon.
They must go somewhere!
Keep near you
If you didn’t need a partner in your family life, you just wanted to regain faith in yourself and it turned out great, you should discuss everything with him honestly. It depends on his views on the future and the motives of his wife herself whether they will follow the same path or whether everyone will continue to receive freedom - from obligations, pretense, unnecessary affection. Such a cheater will leave on his own or do everything in the name of sincere forgiveness.And if you really need a partner, and this has only become clear now, you need to build your married life anew.
To keep your loved one near you, you can do things that are not without psychological tricks:
- Use perfume that he associates with happy periods of life together.
- Prepare breakfast in bed.
- Sometimes you dress up nicely and run away with friends (of both sexes) to a cafe. In the role of a comforter or " home psychologist»friends don’t always come along, but it’s easy to share the fun!
- Before throwing away everything old and unnecessary from your life, you can look through photos together and remember the good moments.
- Book a night at the hotel or visit the restaurant where He proposed.
- Go on a long journey together. Yes, not the cheapest remedy. However, such an event will help replenish the piggy bank of a new happy page in the family album.
- Before and after intimacy, you can stroke your husband’s back, stretch his feet, and at the end, kiss him, for example, on the neck. By repeating this ritual, reflexes are strengthened. They are also developed for love.
Bottom line
Every wife in such a situation intuitively feels what can be done and whether it is worth eliminating her rival. But truly Great can be called such a wife who was able to rekindle the fire of feelings, sincerely forgive and forget what is usually not allowed to get away with.That's probably why the woman is called Guardian of the Family Hearth. For the sake of such love and such a wife, a husband will do anything!
Hello. I am 29 years old. My husband too. We have been married for 7 years, unofficially, and 5 years, officially. We have two children - 4 years old and 1 year old.
My husband works in the vehicle maintenance industry. At first they worked, then they started earning money. My first son was born, I went on maternity leave. The husband began to earn good money, got into a large company, and began moving up the career ladder. And I'm at home with my son. I am a good housewife, many people praise me. At first we didn't quarrel very much. Mainly because of his habit of drinking a bottle or two of beer after work. At first I tried to fight this, then when I realized that quarrels arise only because of this, I stopped resisting. Three years later, a second son was born. Without leaving the first maternity leave, I went on the second.
I understand that my husband was no longer interested in me. There is nothing to talk to me about except news about children. Although, I am always interested in his affairs. I blame myself for the fact that these 4 years of maternity leave have degraded me as a person. Outwardly, I have not changed and am completely back in shape. He loves children very much, but spends literally half an hour with them for 4-5 days, when he comes home to change clothes.
And so, literally six months ago, my husband began to leave for a day, then two. He explained this either by being busy at work or leaving home for several days after the slightest quarrel.
2 months ago I found out that he was in an affair. This relationship is at least 4 months old. All the facts indicate that he spends time with his mistress in a company where they love nightclubs and various parties. They smoke with her too. It’s scary to think, but I assume that besides weed, there is something more serious there.
I started a small business in addition to my main job. Spinning like a squirrel in a wheel. I think that he does not spend all his time with his mistress. According to the facts, he is really torn between work, business, family and mistress.
When he comes home, he always brings a lot of food for me and the children. It seems to me that he is trying to make amends for his guilt. We don't need money either. He can't look me in the eyes. But I can’t understand whether it’s a feeling of guilt or just hostility. I don’t create scandals, I think that by doing this I will push him away even more. But it is very difficult to greet with a smile a husband who comes 5 days later from another woman.
I've lost a lot of weight. Seeing what happened to me nervous soil, he feels sorry for me. He says: “What a fool I am, what did I do to you.” But still nothing changes.
I worry a lot, I love him madly, I’m ready to forgive, but he asks me to wait. The only thing he did after that. when the fact of betrayal was revealed - he simply agreed with all the facts that I presented to him. I don’t know if he feels guilty, but he’s not going to blame himself, he constantly avoids the conversation. Although I am sure this cannot continue. He must make a decision.
Hello, Anastasia! let's look at what's going on:
At first we didn't quarrel very much. Mainly because of his habit of drinking a bottle or two of beer after work.
and this is the beginning of alcoholism! It’s worth thinking about - the person is prone to addiction, immature (after all, KNOWING that he has a family, children, he still drinks! This means he cannot make a choice, make a decision!)
2 months ago I found out that he was in an affair. This relationship is at least 4 months old. All the facts indicate that he spends time with his mistress in a company where they love nightclubs and various parties. They smoke with her too. It’s scary to think, but I assume that besides weed, there is something more serious there.
this is a continuation of his fatality and immaturity - he shows his generally irresponsible position! and for you yourself it is worth noting that IT IS NORMAL FOR HIM to change and choose such a lifestyle! think - what kind of HIM DO YOU LOVE - the way he REALLY is? or the way you would like him to be???
Maybe! because now YOU - KNOWING that he is cheating, that all this continues - ACCEPTED all this - stayed with him, accept him back, show that you are ready to accept this too! and seeing his elections, seeing his behavior - it will be NORMAL for him not to make a decision - but why? the wife KNOWS and accepts! A relationship with your mistress WITHOUT responsibility and obligations is very convenient! and if he is immature and irresponsible, then he will NOT resolve the situation, but will wait until THEY DO IT FOR HIM - either YOU will break off the relationship or continue to torment yourself or your mistress will end the relationship! YOU need NOT wait for a decision FROM HIM - but make a decision YOURSELF - DO YOU ACCEPT CHANGE??? if NO, then the solution is not to wait until he understands it, but to resolve the situation yourself - to show it to both him and yourself! and while you are in a relationship with him, he has no motivation to change anything! The decision is still YOURS to make!
Good answer 3 Bad answer 3Anastasia,
Finding out that your beloved husband has another woman is a serious test. And when you meet him, you can behave in different ways. But most women, unfortunately, behave in a stereotypical way: they expose, present and demand from the man to decide who he is with.
We know where this path leads. To scandals, promises that will not be kept later and to an obvious break when the spouses separate, or hidden when he remains in the family, but there is no longer an atmosphere of trust and community in it. And he lives forever feeling guilty. And she gets stuck in the role of victim and accuser at the same time.
Do you really want to go down this path? At least now you have started moving in this direction.
First of all, you placed responsibility for the decision on your husband. You ask him to decide. But, think about it, if he had decided to leave you already, he would have left. And here he is rushing about, and between what and what, let’s try to understand.
If you are ready, then instead of “madly” loving him, you need to learn to love smartly, behave wisely and like an adult woman.
Think about it, you need to demand to choose between you and your mistress. Maybe you should start to change and change your relationship with your husband in a favorable direction. This is not a one-day job, but a daily job.
Being a mother and a loving, beloved woman are not the same thing. You have focused on being a mother, but have forgotten about being a loving and loved woman.
Think about getting started individual work with a psychologist (possibly on Skype) towards discovering and developing your female potential. You can contact me.
All the best,
Sincerely
Alyokhina Elena Vasilievna, psychologist Moscow
Good answer 3 Bad answer 2Hello. Please help me understand what I've gotten myself into. My husband and I lived together for eight years, we have one common son (6 years old) and my son from my first marriage (11 years old). Anything happened, quarrels, misunderstandings. And then we grew apart, I tried to persuade him to go on trips together, to see a family psychologist - to no avail. In the summer, my husband had a mistress. He went to her for a week, lying that he was going south, but they pawned him off for me. After three days of my silence, he began to write that he had made a mistake, that he repented, and begged to give him a chance... I let him back. Since then, for six months, he has been living with me for a week, talking about his love, dreaming about our future, then silently secretly leaving for her. At first he said that the purpose of the trip was to end the relationship with her (she lives seven hours away from us), then in the fall she became pregnant. He says that he doesn’t want a child, he is exhausted, haggard, he says that everything has gone too far, that he has told her many times that it is all over, but she is crushing with pregnancy, with tears. I also can’t keep my emotions under control all the time, I try to be cheerful and friendly, but sometimes I break down and cry. Yesterday he left again, writing that he “needed it, because it doesn’t work out any other way,” that he wouldn’t give me to anyone and he wouldn’t be with anyone but me. But he left. He promised to return in the evening, but he hasn’t been in touch for a day. I'm tired. Why is he coming back? If she loves me, why does she rush to her again? If he doesn’t love you, why doesn’t he leave? I calmly offered to remain friends. I can no longer handle these little lies, these secret, silent escapes. How can I cut this knot? Yes, I’ve lost weight, I take better care of myself, I know that he likes me, I’m very beautiful. And in everyday life I do everything for him. Yes, clarification is tiring and ruins everything, but how can I close my eyes to the fact that they are communicating, that they are leaving again?
Olga, Russia, Moscow, 30 years old
Psychologist's answer:
Hello, Olga.
Just because he's exhausted and haggard doesn't justify him essentially forcing you into a threesome relationship. His behavior, his actions characterize him as a short-sighted and indecisive person. He manipulates, he is manipulated, a constant game in the present day, and then what? It's better not to think about it. This is the approach. You were tied by deception, you were drawn in, having your own hopes. As soon as she became pregnant and he began visiting her under this pretext, the noose tightened. He became a noble victim, a "decent" man. In fact, he, living in a family, being with you as a woman, having moral obligations to you, continued to be in a close relationship with another woman and, through negligence or even intentionally, a pregnancy occurred (later he could change his mind that he needs it). You have been betrayed. And then nothing is allowed. You need to make a decision yourself, because your husband will continue to hold you, be in a relationship with another, then there will just be two families. Is this what you want for yourself? There is no point in hoping that he will become different and control it differently. Are you ready to live in this for years? After the birth of a child, another woman will need your husband more and claim primacy. Will you decide for yourself whether you are ready and willing to participate in this struggle? For a man who is capable of such actions.
Sincerely, Lipkina Arina Yurievna.
Days, weeks, months pass, and he still thinks who is closer and dearer to him - you or her... Such a plot is good for a series, but you would not envy anyone to become its participant in real life. What to do if you find yourself in such a triangle, which sucks you in no worse than the Bermuda triangle? And most importantly, how not to lose yourself in the battle for love?
Return to yourself
Women who find themselves in this situation tend to focus entirely on the man. They torment themselves with questions: “What is going on in his soul, what is he thinking about?”, “When will he make a choice?”, “What are my chances of success and what should I do to increase them?”
On the one hand, this position is understandable. But on the other hand, she drives them into a corner. By shifting the focus of attention to the man, the woman gives all control over the situation into his hands, while she obediently awaits his decision. And even if she actively tries to tip the scales in her favor, the man still acts as a referee, determining which of the rivals is more worthy of the award.
This is why it is so important to regain at least some control. To do this, you need to convince yourself that you are not a dumb victim of circumstances, but an adult, independent person who manages her life and is capable of making her own decisions. In other words, you must shift the focus of attention from the man to yourself. To do this, answer the following questions frankly:
“How do I feel about what is happening in my life?”, “What emotions do I experience?”, “Do they give me more joy or pain?” It is important to understand that in your soul there is a place not only for resentment and anxiety, but also for indignation at what is happening.
“What am I ready to put up with and what am I not?”, “What can you do with me and what can’t you do with me?” For example, you decide that you can turn a blind eye to your man’s regular overnight stays with another woman. But you are outraged that she calls you at home when you are together.
“How long can I live in uncertainty and wait for him to make a choice?” Here you must set yourself a specific deadline - a month, six months. This will give you confidence. Yes, you can give both yourself and him deferments. But if you want to change your life, don't turn it into an endless series of Mondays that never come.
Mistakes that women often make
1 They constantly ask their loved one how he feels, trying to understand what is happening. However, sometimes a man himself is happy to share his experiences, habitually trying to get sympathy and support from his partner. It is very important not to get lost in his emotions. Remember what you have own feelings. And if a man’s emotional outpourings hurt you, don’t hesitate to tell him about it.
2 They take the blame for everything that happens on themselves. Yes, there were probably problems in your relationship. (And who doesn’t have them!) But from the many ways to react to them, the man absolutely consciously chose the path of “bigamy.” And responsibility for actions always lies with the one who committed them.
3 They allow a man to openly disrespect himself. Talking about how well your rival cooks or having phone conversations with her in your presence are all quite humiliating. Why tolerate this attitude? You have a feeling self-esteem!
4 They are trying to find out as much as possible about their opponent. You shouldn’t do this, because by thinking about this woman and competing with her, you are giving her a place in your life. Moreover, you blur the boundaries of your couple with a man by letting a stranger into it.
5 They don't think about what will happen if they win. It’s not for nothing that they say: we hold tightest not what we need, but what breaks free. Therefore, be sure to ask yourself: are you ready to spend your whole life with a person who caused you so much pain? Can you trust him?
6 They make rash decisions. Yes, waiting for a man to make his choice is unbearable. But don't slam the door if you're not really ready for a breakup. After all, then, most likely, you will be haunted by thoughts that you got carried away. And if after such a drastic step you return to him, you will probably find yourself in an even more dependent position.
Life after the fight
What to do if a man prefers someone else to you? Oddly enough, for many women this outcome is simpler and more understandable than the opposite. Yes, they are hurt and offended, but it is clear what will happen next. We need to live, heal heart wounds and prepare for new relationships.
But what to do if your loved one ultimately chooses you? How can I learn to trust him again when he says he’s working late or going to see friends? How can he stop flinching when he receives a call from an unfamiliar or too familiar number? In such a situation, a woman either constantly breaks down, remembering the man’s past, or is so happy about the reunion that she swallows everything, fearing to frighten off her beloved. But in both cases, her pain and resentment have not disappeared, but continue to poison the relationship.
How to leave this painful story in the past and not let it ruin your present and future?
Firstly, don't act like nothing happened. Lost trust is like a serious fracture - it will take a lot of time to recover. To speed up the healing process, you need to clearly identify in which areas you now do not fully trust your man and what you can do to protect yourself. For example, while he was choosing who to be with, he hardly helped you raise your baby. Then agree on small but regular deductions from his salary to your account. If your rival was his colleague, ask the man to make an effort and change jobs. This will make you feel calmer.
Secondly, It is important to talk to each other honestly, but without accusations, about what happened. Discuss what you can do to prevent this from happening again. It is best to do this together with a family psychologist who will help you dot all the i's without quarrels.
Thirdly, it is necessary to “interrupt” the memories of the past difficult period with bright positive emotions. A vacation trip will help a lot - something like a honeymoon. By the way, if some things or events are poisoned for you by the presence of a rival, try to overcome it. Let's say she worked as an Italian teacher and now you don't want to eat pasta and pizza without wanting to once again remember her. To correct this “distortion” before it turns into a fad, you need pleasant impressions associated with something Italian. For example, a trip to Rome or several romantic dinners in an Italian restaurant. Then Italy will cease to be That woman's territory and will become your own.
“My husband left for his mistress, but lives with me!” Many women find themselves in such slightly schizophrenic situations. Some of them write to me. In two last month I received several letters from my readers, where the situation is like a carbon copy.
Once upon a time they lived, did not grieve, raised children (they were still small), and suddenly - a bolt from the blue. The husband left for his mistress.
But he left strangely. He announced that he was leaving, even moved some of his things, but he still lives at home. He takes care of the children, sometimes smiles at his wife, and tries to give gifts.
And it is not defined in any way. What to do here, how to be here?
Well, I’ll share my idea based on experience and observations. I’ll say right away that you can get your husband back, but it requires enormous effort. So colossal that I seriously doubt their feasibility.
What's happening?
In all situations (those that were sent to me by mail, or those that I observed myself) there was one thing in common - small children. Usually up to five years. Most often - no more than three. And this is not without reason.There is a high probability that, immersed in caring for the child, both spouses became good parents, but ceased to be spouses. This is a common situation - no one is immune from this.
When spouses cease to be spouses, they begin to look for partners on the side. A woman with a small child is less likely to do this - she has her mouth full of troubles with the baby. Men have more opportunities here - work, active movement around the city, the opportunity to stay longer... All this creates conditions for the emergence of new woman in life.
This happens to many men - they find themselves a new wife.
It is important to note - specifically the spouse. From her he receives what he lacks in his current marriage - admiration, delight, attention to him as a man, and not as the father of a child. On the other hand, he gives what is not accepted in a current marriage - admiration, delight, attention to his wife as a woman, and not as the mother of his child.
In other words, the man remains a father (he takes care of the children, sometimes smiles at his wife, tries to give gifts), but ceases to be a spouse. And his wife for him is the mother of his children, but not his wife. Hence the desire to find a new wife.
For many, this desire is embodied in a new relationship on the side.
Such a relationship rarely benefits a marriage - we would like to especially note this. In the tossing of “I’m not going there, and I’m not staying here,” the man drives his wife to white heat. It is unbearably difficult for her to live in a situation of uncertainty.
In my mind, of course, you shouldn’t start an affair at all - you already have a wife, she now urgently needs you and your help and support. The period when she is fixated on the child will pass, and the marital roles will return to you again. So be patient, take care of your beloved woman, don’t hurt her.
In the end, be a man - say directly that you miss her as a wife and quickly organize the opportunity to be spouses (give the child to your grandmother or go to sleep yourself and let your wife rest, or think of something else). Everything can be improved without “turning” to your mistress.
Alas, not everyone is so reasonable.
What to do next?
Depends on the woman’s goal and individual reaction to betrayal. If betrayal causes any noticeable pain, then the approach proposed below is not at all for you. Here it is better to have a direct conversation (with the risk of divorce in the end).You can start like this: “You and I have started to have some kind of tough relationship in our relationship. I forgot that you are my beloved man, and you went to some woman. Do you remember that we once planned everything differently? Let's try to get out of here and start something different.
I apologize for using you as a transport for diapers, and you for not talking to me about it, but immediately went looking for something on the side.”
Of course, this does not guarantee that the situation will improve (and certainly does not guarantee that the pain will subside), but there is a chance. The main thing is for the husband to understand that he hurt his woman and this, to put it mildly, is bad. When it comes, the chances of recovery will increase.
But it may even come to a divorce, here it will take you out of the blue.
But if betrayal doesn’t hurt you (if such a thing can even happen), then you can go the other way.
In the situations described, a man lives in a state where he is terrorized from both sides - they demand to make up his mind and make a decision. On the one hand, he is being hammered by his wife, on the other hand, he is being pestered by his mistress, who demands that he finally get a divorce, as long as he can put it off (though, I don’t feel sorry for the man at all - it couldn’t have been any other way, he should have thought before ).
The way out is for the wife to become the party that doesn't demand anything.
It’s important to emphasize here, otherwise not everyone will see it. This is not about indulging a man, like, honey, how great it is that you have a mistress. This is not about “keeping face” and pretending that nothing is happening. No, no, and no again.
I'm talking about no requirements. Well, you know how it happens: “Decide - either me or her!”, “How long can all this continue!” and so on. Such requirements should absolutely not exist. That is, in general. And then it might work.
This is a common paradox of family life - the more one person presses, the further the second moves away. If they press on both sides, a person is more likely to move to the one where they do not press.
Well, he may also choose the third option - to run away altogether, but this rarely happens.
At the same time, again, please read carefully! - the absence of demands does not mean that the cheater’s wife smiles sweetly at him. Not at all. The sincere expression of one’s feelings is just very useful and is strongly encouraged. Simply put, if you want to cry, cry. And let the husband see.
Yes, you don’t need to demand a decision from him, but you don’t need to hide your feelings either. Sincerity is often useful and here is exactly such a case.
True, here again we need to raise a serious question - does the wife have enough mental strength live in all this? An affair on the side usually lasts about a year and not everyone has the strength to survive all this without a divorce.
And perhaps that’s right. The concepts “You have to live with the child’s father”, “If a man leaves (or doesn’t come) - it’s your fault” or “A woman should be wiser and endure”, or “this is a woman’s lot” are completely stupid. They impose strange demands on a woman, which, in principle, are completely unrealistic. And when a woman predictably fails to cope, she is completely smeared.
So think for yourself, decide for yourself - in which direction to move, and what to do when your husband is torn between you and his mistress.
