Oh, these modern mores! It seems like we don’t live in a sultanate where polygamy is allowed, and yet so many strange things can be found in different families! Well, maybe some are content to live with their husband as in a harem, but what about love, healthy jealousy, how to raise children normally?
Even if a man is a bigamist and has not gathered all his lovers into one house, what should he do if he lives in two families? He is the “head of the family” for you, and his rival is the master of the house. What does he allow himself? Or do his women allow him to do this?
Is the mistress also another family?
No one is surprised by the fact that, for example, wealthy men have a mistress. For example, a secretary. How many jokes and tales on this topic! It seems like a family man, the house is full, his wife is beautiful, but no, he comes to work, and his second beloved woman is waiting there.
The team at work may know about this and gossip, some condemn, some joke about this topic, but no one is in a state of shock: a standard situation. But in fact, this man is a bigamist, but this would never even occur to anyone.
But here's the thing:
The day is divided between home and work. Besides sleep, this man spends the same time with both.
He supports his wife because this is the custom in families, but he will not deprive his mistress either of finances or gifts.
Regular sex can be with one or the other. Tenderness, kind words and love are the same - in half.
And there seems to be nothing unnatural: in fact, he is a family man. But if we take into account all these three points, we can still conclude: a mistress is practically the same second wife. Only it’s easier for her - there are fewer household chores, if only sometimes she prepares a romantic dinner.
How could you even miss this fact that your husband has another woman? Moreover, they have been together for many years just like with you! Plus, they even managed to make a baby together! How?
It is clear that professions associated with endless business trips have not been canceled. But how could it be possible for several years not to be interested in where your husband is and what he is doing? Who is he: a CIA agent? A fighter of the invisible front? James Bond?
Usually such “incidents” happen in families where the head of the family is not noticed. Are you going on a business trip? Well, and the “duty” fried chicken for the road. Have you arrived? Give me the money. There is no passion, conversations are at the everyday level. So the man found a second berth, where he is truly loved and welcomed.
Why has he still not confessed to his wife about his double life? There may be different reasons:
Everything suits him: in the first family they don’t notice, in the other they tolerate it, why should he twitch?
He was going to confess, but there was no right moment. And then everything became clear.
He was afraid of divorce for some reason: children in his first family, career, relatives would judge him.
Well, since you found out everything so suddenly, then life can change dramatically - you will file for divorce, and he may breathe a sigh of relief and pack his bags for the one to whom he runs on his “business trips.” Child support will be assigned, and the first family will no longer exist. And this, in general, will be the most correct decision.
In this situation, you will, of course, want to take revenge. Especially the one who knew everything and fooled you along with your husband. In this article you may find the right way for yourself.
But if you look from the other side, what surprised you about what happened? If you didn’t really notice your husband anyway, then maybe leave everything as it is? How did you live before this? Your pride is just crushed. You will just become more hysterical and more demanding. It's hard, isn't it? Therefore, it is better to get a divorce to make life easier for everyone.
And so it happens: you are tormented by jealousy, you suffer, but you cannot let him go. And when talking to you, your friends say, you’re a fool, file for divorce, what kind of harem has your fool created?!
Well, not all of your friends are “subtle psychologists” to understand you. It’s easier for them - they twisted it at the temple, condemned it and left, and you continue to suffer. Or maybe not everything is as scary as you “pictured” it all for yourself. Read the article - maybe your case is there.
Well, if everything is so deplorable, and you yourself know very well that your man often leaves for another family, then somewhere you can understand. And let others think you are a fool - you cannot live with them.
Your reasons are most likely trivial:
Fear of being left alone, of losing the man in the house, and there is no way to replace him with another owner.
The love for your husband is so strong that you are ready to close your eyes to his infidelity, just not to lose him.
Divorce is a terrible shame for you. That's how you were raised. And the worst thing is that the children find out about their father’s sprees.
How can I calm you down? Well, except that you are not the only one. Surprisingly, many women prefer to sob into their pillows than to be completely alone. They hope that the husband will come to his senses, get better and return to the family forever.
This male decision can last for years. And even for a while, it seems that he has really come to his senses: he is becoming an exemplary family man, settling down, spending his evenings and nights at home. But if he did not break off the relationship on the side, then everything will return to normal. Again his departure, again waiting at the window.
The mistake of such patient women is that they do not prepare the ground for new relationships, preferring to remain an uncomplaining lamb. But in fact, nothing holds her back for a new novel.
But, for some reason, such ladies begin to look for an excuse for themselves:
I'm old, fat, ugly, no one will fall for me.
How will children look at this? They will hate me for being a prostitute.
What if I fail? My husband will leave me and I will be left alone.
Let your husband do what he wants: come home, go to bed with your rival, and at the same time you start having an affair with someone. Only seriously, not a light affair. By the way, perhaps your spouse will sense your coldness and changes in behavior, get scared and come back to you forever. But whether you want to accept it is another question.
If there is actually no family
Do not create illusions about the integrity of the family if it has already broken up. Some women think this: even though the husband has another woman, and he lives with a rival, it is still she, the wife, who has the right to the man. And what? The children are from him, the stamp is still there in the passport - that means everything is fine.
No, honey, this man is not a sack of potatoes on an invoice. He is already far away in soul - on the other. The stamp in the passport is not of great importance now. And he comes to you only because he wants to see his children. “Sunday Dad” - have you heard such a phrase?
When you meet a second person, you fall in love and you can’t choose - stop at the second one. If you love the first one, you won’t even notice the others.
Johnny Depp
Finally - an unusual technique
Let's do a thought experiment.
Imagine that you have the superpower to “read” men. It’s like Sherlock Holmes: you look at a man and you immediately know everything about him and understand what’s on his mind. You would hardly be reading this article now in search of a solution to your problem - you would not have any problems in your relationship at all.
And who said that this is impossible? Of course, you can’t read other people’s thoughts, but otherwise there is no magic here - only psychology.
If you're interested, you can. We asked Nadezhda to reserve 100 seats specifically for visitors to our site.
A woman is abandoned by her husband... Let's not lament why and for what, let's not look for the guilty and extreme, let's not fantasize...
The woman is afraid that the man will be happy without her. Opinion on how bigamists appear in the country
A woman is abandoned by her husband... Let's not lament why and for what, let's not look for the guilty and extreme, let's not fantasize about what would have happened if...
De facto, there are two typical scenarios:
1) Hasta la vista, baby. They divided the property, sorted out child custody, and everyone went their own way. Maybe they maintained friendly relations. Maybe even a little nostalgia. Or maybe they parted ways like ships at sea.
2) I'll be back. The prodigal husband returns to his old family, and everyone is still waiting for him. In a month, in a year or even in a few years. Where and to whom he went, why and what he was looking for does not matter. It is important that there is a desire and opportunity to give the relationship a second chance.
What if your husband, like Schrödinger’s cat, doesn’t seem to have left completely, but is no longer with you?
In one family the following situation arose: after the husband was caught in treason, a decision was made to separate, that is, he still left. Naturally, for the living space of a mistress who, as an unmarried, childless woman, welcomed this option in the hope that it would bring the moment closer when she, too, would receive her well-deserved piece of female happiness.
But then the following became clear: no one wants to get a divorce.
The wife, let's call her Ira, does not want to get a divorce, because she suddenly realized how much she loves her husband, so she is ready to forgive and forget everything, just to return to the old times. The former - in the sense without mistresses and betrayals.
But the husband didn’t understand anything, it’s just that divorce was never part of his plans, so when the passions subsided, he began to behave like an exemplary family man: helping with the housework every day, going shopping together on weekends, in general, a real idyll.
But with one small caveat: My husband doesn't spend the night at home.
I hope you see the contradiction: Ira has an official family-oriented husband without quarrels and scandals, but she does not feel happy because he lives in the house of another woman, who, by the way, also has almost everything: her beloved man has dinner and spends the night with her, but there is no complete happiness, I don't think she's feeling it.
The women simply swapped places, and as you know, changing the places of the terms does not change the sum.
The only one who is happy and content in this situation is the husband. He received an accommodating wife, who was afraid of the divorce and stopped arguing about his infidelities, and his mistress received the illusion of the development of the relationship and, most likely, became more supportive.
So we can’t count on our bigamist himself to break off relations with one of them. And both women are so afraid to look into a closed box that they prefer to live with a sense of faith in a living and dead cat at the same time.
Their premonition does not deceive them. What they see in the box will not please both of them: he does not love either of them.
Such a clear tendency towards unauthorized bigamy suggests that the object of their female competition is a selfish, calculating and selfish person, and he will, without regret, leave either of them or both of them as soon as something no longer suits him, and feelings will not matter here how.
Anything can happen in life. After all, this is how Mormon sister wives or Muslim wives live in a harem.
But the whole problem is that Ira does not live, but suffers. From jealousy, from resentment, from frustration, from anger, from despair and from inaction. If she accepted a polygamous relationship or filed for divorce, there would be nothing to discuss.
This situation made me think that sometimes the decision to break up can be difficult and unbearable, as a decision to amputate a leg due to gangrene.
For a woman, a relationship that does not suit her, but she is afraid to break it off, is full of melancholy.
In this case, a phenomenon akin to alcoholic codependency is observed, when the perception of the surrounding environment is completely distorted, so it is likely that the woman does not even see what psychological hell she lives in.
L.N. Tolstoy argued that “every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” I would like to make a clarification here: all unhappy women are equally unhappy, and their attempts to improve and fix everything are always similar, regardless of the problem.
And, of course, everyone equally thinks from time to time that it’s time to give up everything, but women hesitate, doubt, believe that they have to wait and be patient.
The harsh truth is that gangrene cannot be cured, and husbands do not change.
Typical female fears that help a woman cling to her dreams and prevent her from acting decisively
“What about the children?”
Of course, I feel sorry for the children.
Unfortunately, women rarely think of children as individuals with the right to their own feelings.
In a state close to depression, unhappy wives often turn children into a tool of manipulation or a means of psychological compensation.
Worries about “how a child will live without a father” are full of slyness, because in unhappy families, as a rule, the child sees his father less often than he would like.
I believe that when thinking about children, a woman should control the following manifestations of her nature:
1) Maternal egoism.“I endure for the sake of the children, I cannot deprive the child of his father, etc.” - this is hypertrophied maternal responsibility on the verge of selfishness.
A woman cannot be responsible for whether a child has a father or not, because there are no circumstances that would prevent a man from being a father if he wants to be one, and there are no circumstances that would prevent a man from being a father if he doesn't want to.
Women flatter themselves very much when they think that it depends only on them whether the child will have a father as a role model.
Men are great at solving this issue themselves, and there is no need to take on the function of an intermediary in communication between father and child.
As one of my close friends says, there is no need to help a man communicate with children: he can screw up himself.
So it is better to focus on whether the child will have a worthy role model of a woman and mother before his eyes: healthy emotionally and physically, caring and attentive, but at the same time restrained and self-confident, firm in his demands and consistent.
A mother who doesn't lash out at him, doesn't yell hysterically because she's in a bad mood, doesn't forget to cook dinner or wash clothes because she was crying and wondering where her husband hangs out at night.
2) Maternal blackmail. When a woman feels her marriage is falling apart, she needs tools in the righteous fight to mend the broken, hold on to the uncontrollable, and control the uncontrollable.
If money has nothing to do with it, then the only tool in the ruthless battle for women's happiness is the child.
The heroine of our story wants to keep her husband, so every day she comes up with new assignments related to fatherly care for her son.
Maybe the husband who ran away to his mistress would have taken care of the child without outside instructions, we don’t know for sure.
In any case, there is nothing wrong with a father communicating with his son.
The bad thing is that Irina pulls the child out of the usual routine of life in order, under the pretext of another errand, to see her husband, because it seems to her that this will change something for her personally.
It would be more reasonable to protect the child from this useless war, rather than send him to the front line.
If you make an effort to spend as much interesting and entertaining time with your son as possible, instead of racking your brain over how else you can use the boy to inadvertently catch the eye of your husband, then at least one relationship in this woman’s life can still be saved .
3) Maternity compensation. In addition to the tools to fight for happiness, a deceived woman needs support for a new breakthrough in life. Sometimes children can become such a support in a positive sense.
But when a woman begins to hold on to a child, like a drowning man holding on to a straw, afraid to be left alone with his thoughts, the little person turns into a pet who should always be at hand, so it’s about raising an independent, strong personality, capable of making decisions, no longer works.
All efforts are devoted to preserving the psychological health of the mother, and the child is simply sacrificed, like a lamb to the slaughter.
A woman needs to remember that life balance, lost as a result of problems with her husband, should be sought not in children, but within herself.
“How will he live without me?”
I was once asked if I knew examples of life stories when a man left his family for a young woman, and then complained that he was unhappy with his new wife.
At first I perked up, because I really know a lot of such stories.
But the more I thought about it, the less my examples seemed relevant to me, because all these stories were retold by ex-wives triumphant with gloating from the words of their ex-husbands, who dropped by for a visit and could not think of anything better than to complain to their ex about your current one.
Can such stories be believed? You can't believe it. After all, what else can an ex-husband talk about? About the fact that he and his new young wife had exceptional sex yesterday?
Of course, as in any marriage, problems arise that someone wants to cry about. Why not tell your ex-wife everything?
You can immediately kill two birds with one stone: cry into your vest and flatter your ex, and she, you see, will get emotional and will think less about alimony.
So what is a woman really afraid of when she thinks that her man will be lost without her? The woman is afraid that he will be happy without her.
Now I’ll say something for which my gender comrades can kick me in the street, but a woman often prefers to suffer in a relationship that does not suit her and will never suit her, than even hypothetically allow a situation where after a divorce she will be left alone , and he will marry again, have new children and forget what her name was.
There is only one way out: I feel bad, but I not only won’t leave, I will still fight for us, because only when I’m around can I be sure that your life will also be ruined. The Count of Monte Cristo smokes nervously in the corridor.
If he feels good somewhere without you, but feels bad with you, by and large you can’t do anything about it except be happy for him and wish him good luck.
And it is much simpler than it might seem at first glance.
I know many women who, after a divorce, began to feel happier and even look better than in their marriage.
Whatever they say, the secret of a fresh, attractive female appearance is not only in care and proper nutrition, but also in healthy, sound sleep, emotional stability and inner peace, which a married woman may lack if she has to pull on herself the burden of dysfunctional relationships.
“How will I live without him?”
But this is, in principle, a good question if you answer it correctly.
If the main character of Woody Allen's film Jasmine had asked herself this question in time and then answered it correctly, she would have thought ten times before turning her husband, a multimillionaire fraudster, over to the FBI.
That is, she actually sawed off the branch on which she was sitting, and then slowly went crazy because she could not digest the reality that had fallen on her.
The difficulty with this issue is that For a woman, marriage often becomes the peak of her career.
Let’s say a woman got married, then spent a long time on maternity leave, giving birth to three children in a row, and then there was no point in going to work, because her qualifications were lost, her skills were forgotten, but she has no regrets, because she succeeded as a housewife, She has a wonderful, cozy home, good children and a worthy husband who can afford a large family with a non-working wife.
Can you imagine a woman’s dilemma if one day such a husband wants to constantly spend the night with his mistress?
It’s good if, in the event of a divorce, there is a marriage contract that will protect the rights of a woman deceived in her expectations, the property is registered in the name of both spouses, and the husband’s income is official and stable, so there will be no problems with calculating an adequate amount of alimony.
Unfortunately, in our country, women rarely think about such things, rushing to “get married”, and then after ten to twenty years of marriage they realize that they have no plan B.
But a housewife who is stuck in an unhappy marriage and is forced to turn a blind eye to male infidelities, drunkenness or humiliating tyranny, because to the question “how will I live without him?”, despite her emotional distress, she can answer quite honestly, soberly and judiciously: this is not our case.
The heroine of our story asks herself this question in vain and answers it incorrectly.
When a healthy, self-sufficient woman who has a quality education, a well-paid job, her own home, a family ready to support her, understanding friends and friendly colleagues, begins to be afraid of loneliness, it’s like suddenly starting to be seriously afraid of the third world war or the explosion of a nuclear power plant in Ostrovets: theoretically there is such a danger, but this is not a reason to move to a bomb shelter.
What if this is love? I'll never believe it.
Love is a mature feeling that makes a person more selfless and wiser.
I think that our heroine is driven more by infantilism and spoilage. Just as a small child who does not receive the desired toy begins to cry, fall on the floor in a department store and fight in hysterics, so a wealthy beautiful woman, who has never known rejection from loving parents, from men and from fate, cries at night, rages and goes to a psychologist, because for the first time in her life she didn’t get what she wanted and couldn’t accept what was happening to her.
I in no way promote divorce. On the contrary: I believe that you cannot give in to problems and you need to fight for your happiness.
But the key word here is “happiness”, and we must fight for it.
In many cases, this struggle comes down to having to cope with yourself, your own fears and insecurities, having to grow up and change, and this is much more difficult than hiding from reality in girlish fantasies.
Parting is not a fiasco in life and not a collapse of hopes, it is the only sure way to look into your closed box.
Yes, it’s painful and unpleasant, but it’s better to find out in time that your marriage is dead than to wait until your nose starts to get stuffy from the cadaverous smell in the apartment. published .
Elena Radion
If you have any questions, please ask
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! © econet
Family happiness is a fragile concept that can easily be destroyed by a wrong word, action or lie. Often, many women tend to suspect their husband of cheating, but how to determine whether this is really so or is it just a figment of the imagination?
My husband has a second family - words that sound like a bolt from the blue for every woman. Having learned about the existence of a rival, many give up, fall into depression, or start a fierce war without warning. What to do is everyone’s choice, however, before you begin to act, you need to make sure that your suspicions are not speculation. In most cases, women learn about their second family in the following way:
- A call from a mistress - a woman is also fighting for her happiness, trying to destroy her family. You may receive a call, an SMS message on your phone, or they may send you a photo of your betrothed in the arms of another.
- SMS messages – correspondence with the second wife on the husband’s phone. Correspondence can also be on social networks.
- Chance meeting (I saw my husband on the street with his mistress).
- A man’s confession is a rare case when a man himself admits to the existence of a second woman.
- Traces of “love” - a lipstick mark on a collar, on a cheek, scratches, lingerie in a pocket, a postcard with someone else’s name, etc. If a man does not have a certain accuracy, then, most likely, after some time you will definitely notice traces of the existence of your mistress.
Stories of real women
There are many stories about how women find out about the existence of a second family with their man. Someone forgives the traitor, someone throws him out of the house in disgrace, and someone suffers for years and does not know what to do. In any case, each of them suffered enormous stress, but still did not give up and decided, at all costs, to find out the whole truth.
Larisa, 35 years old, accountant
Two years ago, I found out that my beloved husband had a second family. I am not one of the jealous women who follow their partners everywhere, read messages on social networks and phones. No, I'm used to trusting. I can say that my trust ruined me. Now, after several years, I understand that there were alarm bells in the form of frequent business trips, constant meetings at work and night calls from unknown colleagues, but then everything suited me. And so, once again, my husband left on a “business trip”, I was getting ready to have dinner. Suddenly I received a call on my phone from an unknown number, I picked up the phone. The woman spoke. The whole conversation was in a fog, I remember that she said that she had been living with my V. for three years and now they were expecting a baby. She asked them to step back and not ruin their happiness. For a long time I could not believe what I heard. I was waiting for my husband. Three days later he returned, and I asked him directly. Surprisingly, he didn't lie. He said that he had long wanted to confess, but did not know how. I was shocked by what I heard. I still can’t forgive. After all, I gave so many years to our marriage, and he just took it and trampled everything.
Elena, 50 years old, cashier
It would seem like a strong marriage. More than 20 years together. I was 100% confident in him. As it turned out, it was in vain. We have two adult children, a big comfortable house, everything was fine. I didn’t see any prerequisites for the appearance of a mistress. Of course, over the many years of living together, a lot went through - jealousy, scandals, and tears, but we overcame all the troubles. My husband spent every weekend at home, went on business trips once every two or three months, and always came home after work. I didn’t have any suspicions that there was another woman. I found out about the second family by accident. I was leaving the store; my husband, as he told me, was at work. And suddenly, on the other side of the street, I notice a familiar coat. I was happy, I thought he was preparing a surprise for me. But suddenly, a young lady with a child came out of the café building where my “betrothed” was standing. And guess who she approached? That's right, to my husband. They kissed and went somewhere. At home, a scandal awaited him with everyone around him. It was hard, long conversations, tears, explanations. For several months, a series of incessant apologies and late-night conversations in the kitchen dragged on. In the end, I decided to forgive. Still, we've been together for so many years. Now my husband is behaving perfectly, carrying her in his arms and caring for her. A second youth began, but still a residue remained.
Anna, 42 years old, assistant director
I can’t say that the relationship with my husband has always been ideal. They often fought, quarreled, wanted to divorce several times, but still made peace. Probably the children stopped him. I didn't want to be a single mother. I had long suspected that my husband was having an affair. I can’t say that I’m ugly or unkempt, no, I have more than enough fans. However, apparently he was missing something. I turned a blind eye to his lateness, night shifts and lipstick on his collar. She pretended to be a naive girl who believed every word he said. This went on for a year, until one day my friend came to me. It turns out she saw a long-legged blonde getting into his car, and judging by their passionate kiss, this is not just a colleague. That day I finally had to open my eyes and stop pretending. My husband and I divorced, now both are happy in their new relationship. We maintain friendly contact with each other. I don't hold any grudges.
Marina, 27 years old, housewife
My ex-husband wants to live in two families. I learned about this from him. We were only married for 5 years. This is not a good time for family life. Happiness overflowed, as I thought. We thought about children and built a country house. Everything went as usual until one evening my husband ruined our happiness. He came home with flowers and champagne and said that there was a conversation. I thought that it was probably a good reason, since I was so prepared. It turned out not. After a glass of champagne, my husband told me that he had met a beautiful girl and loved her with all his soul. But here’s the dilemma - he loves me too. He suggested that everyone live together or alternately - a week with her, a week with me. She kicked him out the door with the bags without hearing all his plans for the future. I don't regret anything.
There are a great many similar stories - some tell themselves about their “adventures”, others are caught red-handed. Of course, you can guess about the second family on your own - friends, colleagues, and relatives can tell you about this fact. In addition, it is quite easy to notice that money has begun to leak out of the family budget.
If your husband has changed, has become less likely to be at home, takes better care of himself, disappears from work, and has stopped paying attention to you as a woman, you should start sounding the alarm.
Second family - forgive or divorce?
After you find out that your husband has a second family and a child from another, you need to start acting. Remember, inaction is also your choice.
Advice! Don't chop rashly. Let your emotions subside a little, calm down, and only then start a conversation. Screaming, mutual reproaches, a scandal will not allow you to understand the reasons for what happened.
Heart to heart conversation
How to properly talk to your husband about this rather sensitive topic? The issue is complex and requires increased attention. So, a heart-to-heart conversation should be based on several rules:
- Calm down, don't be nervous. The conversation should take place in a calm atmosphere. Avoid yelling and blaming.
- Ask your husband what he missed in your family life.
- Try not to get emotional - be cold and reserved.
- Try to listen to all the arguments the man will give
- Don't jump to conclusions right away. You will need some time to make a final decision.
Attention! Never compare yourself to your new lover. You risk getting a lot of unjustified complexes. For example, her legs are slimmer than mine. Or the breasts are more magnificent, etc. Remember, a man is looking on the outside for what he lacks at home. Therefore, it is important to listen to all the wishes of your spouse in a timely manner. For example, experiments in bed, a new haircut, clothing style, etc.
Divorce or forgiveness?
After all the arguments and explanations have been heard, the moment comes that determines everything. A woman must decide whether she forgives her husband or files for divorce. In both cases, you need to act according to the situation - listen to your inner feelings and honestly answer the following questions:
- Can you forgive a person?
- Won't you remind him of what happened every time you quarrel?
- Will you be tormented by jealousy and thoughts that the situation will repeat itself again?
It is important that you clearly understand that you have an uphill battle with your inner self, which will constantly remind you that your loved one has betrayed you.
Many resolve the issue towards reconciliation, solely because of the desire to preserve the family for the children. Some people are able to forget over time the mistake of their significant other, others are not. In any case, if you are in doubt, you should try to give the person a second chance.
Work on mistakes
To ensure that a similar situation does not happen again, it is necessary to work on the mistakes.
- Listen to your spouse’s wishes (appearance, sex life, leisure time, etc.)
- Talk – don’t hush up your dissatisfaction, problems or complaints. Discuss everything in a calm manner, without shouting or insisting on anything. It is important that you learn to hear each other.
- Do not remind a man of his mistake - otherwise you risk repeating the situation.
If you want to return your former passion and feelings, do not get carried away. Remember that you are also a living person and you have your own fears, desires, dreams. Talk with your partner, define the boundaries of what is permitted clearly and very clearly. For example, okay, dear, you will go fishing this weekend if today we spend the whole day together. Don’t be afraid to seem like a blackmailer - you have every right to do so.
Advice! If you intend to save your family, try to look at the situation from your spouse's point of view. Perhaps you yourself became the cause of the betrayal. Very often, men leave their wives due to frequent scandals, increased jealousy, and inappropriate behavior.
Me or her
When confronting a man with the choice “Me or her,” you must be prepared for the fact that he will not choose you. However, sooner or later, in any case, you will come to this question. Of course, unless you are ready to put up with the state of things for years.
A game like this, in which both women know about each other's existence, can go on for quite a long time. Until one of the rivals gets bored.
Bigot - I want to have two families
But what if the husband himself wants to live for two families and his choice is conscious and fully satisfies his life needs? In this case, the woman decides everything.
Reconciliation or rupture?
Answering the question of what to do - reconcile or divorce, we can say that there are only two options for the development of the situation.
- Humility. You continue to live with your husband, knowing that he has another woman. Remember, this is your choice too, so reproaching him won’t work every time. Not everyone is ready to wait for her spouse, knowing that at that time he is in the arms of another.
- Divorce. A second wife is the prerogative of Eastern men. For them it is natural, which cannot be said about our mentality. By deciding to divorce, you will start a new life, without regard to betrayal.
Advice! If you have forgiven a man and accepted him back, never remind him of what happened. At every opportunity, do not reproach him for cheating on you and starting a second family. This can make it difficult to restore the relationship. Try to start over from scratch.
Children in a second family: what to do?
If your husband managed not only to have a second wife, but also to give birth to children, the question becomes more acute. The child’s psyche is not ready for such information, therefore all proceedings and clarification of relationships should take place in the maximum ignorance for the child.
- If you decide to forgive your spouse, you need to establish contact with his child. Do not forbid them to see each other, invite the baby to visit, give gifts for the holidays. Remember, the child is not to blame for the current situation.
- During a divorce, everything is much simpler; having a child in a second family will only speed up the process.
It is important to follow the following rules:
- Never reproach his father in front of a child
- Don't say that your child's mother ruined your happiness
- Do not turn your child against his parents (your spouse)
- Try to make friends with him
- Don't forbid them to see each other
- Accept that having a child cannot be changed in any way. You just have to accept this fact.
- Try to explain as gently as possible the fact that dad loves him, and the fact that he (dad) lives with you will not affect their communication in any way.
My husband has a second family - advice from a psychologist can help desperate women in this situation.
- Make an informed decision. Answer the question for yourself - what is the foundation of your relationship. If love, then the choice in favor of divorce is obvious. If you have material wealth, then you can forgive betrayal quite easily.
- Don’t blame yourself for what happened – it won’t lead to anything good other than depression.
- Make a list of your spouse's positive and negative qualities to help you make a decision. Remember everything that doesn’t suit you, what you like in family life, what you are offended by or what you are grateful to your spouse for.
- Take a break. Find a new hobby, go to the sea, take a vacation. Get your thoughts in order. It is possible that your love has long passed and nothing but the habit of being around is holding you back.
- If you decide to forgive your husband, do not gnaw yourself from the inside, do not compare and do not think about your rival as an ideal woman. Work on your self-esteem and appearance.
- Don't hold grudges to yourself. Share your experiences with a loved one.
- Delete shared photos, remove from your home everything that reminds you of your former family life.
In order to survive the betrayal of your husband, it will take a lot of effort. Don’t wash your dirty linen in public, don’t tell everyone about what happened. Trust someone alone, cry, tell about painful things, complain. You should not keep anger to yourself, because it can cause many diseases.
Regardless of what decision you make - to forgive or divorce, you will have to start life from scratch. Leave all grievances and fears in the past, start living according to your desires, find a new hobby and you will see how the world around you transforms.
Comments 0Modern life is very rich in various twists of fate. Spouses who love each other today may turn out to be sworn enemies tomorrow. And it very often happens that, at first glance, a strong marriage ends in a loud divorce process.
Today no one is surprised by the quirks of both men and women. But most often there are men who are torn two families. And such an ambiguous situation occurs very often in the modern world. According to all laws in our country, polygamy is prohibited, it turns out that the status of one wife is considered legal, and the second woman will be a common-law wife. And often there are heirs in both families, and the wife knows that the man has a second family.
People always paint a picture of a kind, gentle wife and a bitch lover. But sometimes it happens that a decent man finds himself in such a situation. He sincerely tries to understand the situation, but it absorbs him completely. A man loves children, whom he does not intend to abandon, sympathizes with women, is afraid of losing both, is wary of shame and sidelong glances, does not know how to solve a huge problem. And a man’s life begins on two fronts.
This difficult situation brings a lot of suffering to families, because the man is trying to reconcile both families, and each woman wants to drag her loved one into her family. And it often happens that such complicated situations drag on for many years, and a man is torn into two families.
There are quite a few reasons when such families arise. The most common reason why such double families appear is the financial well-being of the man. Very rich men want to diversify their family life and start a young woman. The girl does not intend to lose her patron, and gives birth to his children, while receiving the unspoken status of the wife of second place. If a man is able to provide for both families himself, then women put up with the presence of a rival for fear of losing financial stability.
The second reason for the creation of such marriages is women's fear of loneliness. According to statistics, much fewer men are born than women, so a woman’s fear is quite justified. So she endures her rival, each living her own life, and sharing a man for years.
But there are also cases when a man really adores and idolizes both women and does not intend to part with each. They, in turn, are attached to one man. And it turns out to be quite a complex love triangle.
Often people live like this until the end of their days, but there are families who are desperately trying to find a way out of the current difficult situation. The main stage of solving a problem is understanding the truth - how such a situation can end. Once progress is outlined, the decision is made much easier. And strange marriages cannot be understood as something good and acceptable, because everyone, including children, feels incredible suffering.
Particularly destructive is endless jealousy. No matter what a woman says, in her subconscious she wants to return the man only to herself. And if she wants to achieve her goal, then there will be no rules for her.
There are very frequent cases when both wives during the Cold War cease to think about their actions. Quarrels cross all permitted boundaries. There have been cases of women disfiguring their faces with sulfuric acid.
Children suffer no less from such family stories. After all, most often a man lives with his legal wife, and pays less attention to his mistress. Children from the “second wife” may suffer from a lack of attention from their father, even though they are provided with everything financially.
What is the final decision for a man to make?
But no matter how much the rope twists, the end will definitely be found. No matter how many years a man splits his time between two families, one day he will have to make a final decision, after which one woman is left with the terrible confidence that her personal life has not worked out.
The man in this whole story feels much better than the women. After all, in any case, he himself will not remain. But at the same time, he forgets how much pain he brings to both families. After all, a person who loves will never hurt loved ones.
Only the participants themselves can find a way out of a rather difficult situation. And here it is necessary to take into account how two women and a male instigator look at such a situation. If all participants in the love process are absolutely happy with everything, then further stumbling blocks are pointless. But if one of the members of the love triangle is suffering, then the problem must be solved urgently.
The wisest decision in married life remains one thing: married men should not have relationships with strangers, and women should never destroy other people’s families. This is the only way to be truly happy. Women need to value themselves and not fall for such confusing relationships. Such a person, accidentally bursting into life, will not bring anything good. You should respect yourself, consider yourself an individual, and then you will definitely find a soul mate.
