How to forget your husband's betrayal - advice from a psychologist. How to painlessly survive your husband’s betrayal: key advice from a psychologist

21.10.202327.05.2017

When a woman finds out about her husband’s betrayal, she immediately enters a very difficult period in her life. After the first shock and explanations with her husband, the woman still has a lot of unresolved questions. You need to decide how to live further, what to do with the common property, and most importantly, be able to quickly forget the unpleasant moments. Let's talk in more detail about how to forget your husband's betrayal and the advice of a psychologist will help you deal with the most difficult situation.

You can always find a way out of any seemingly most difficult situation. The main thing is to competently approach the solution of the problem that has arisen, solve it calmly, without panic. This also applies to situations where a loved one has betrayed you.

At first, a woman who has learned about betrayal finds it difficult to even imagine how to forget her husband’s betrayal. To deal with the problem, try the following recommendations:

before making any decision regarding the unfaithful spouse, it is necessary to finally make sure that there really was infidelity;

evidence of your spouse’s betrayal can be his confession or some evidence obtained by you personally. Do not trust photographs, dialogues from instant messengers or other information received from strangers. People may be interested in the breakdown of your family relationships and falsify evidence;

Don't even trust your best friends. There should be no third parties in a relationship between two people.

It’s rare, but it happens when seemingly strangers are interested in ending your relationship. Never rule out this possibility, act very carefully.

How to forget the betrayal of a loved one so as not to return to a difficult and unpleasant situation? Try following these steps:

Before you attack your husband, give him the opportunity to at least somehow explain himself;

Without a frank conversation, it will not be possible to make an intelligent decision. Often, if not always, both spouses are to blame for infidelity. Whatever the reason for the betrayal, it indicates that the relationship has cracked;

Having learned the true reason for the betrayal, analyze what happened and think about how to continue to behave with the man;

It will not be possible to completely calm down soon. If you don’t know how to forget your loved one’s betrayal, try to calm down first and then wait for some time.

Not all women are able to cope alone with the stress when they find out about their spouse's infidelity. You should not expect the situation to normalize on its own; it is better to seek advice from a psychologist.

psychologists identify such a problem as incompleteness of action. The point is this: any action must end with something. Otherwise, the problem will depress the psyche. So it is with betrayal. If everything ended only in conversation, it is difficult for a woman to forget about what happened;

To get rid of a problem, you need to set yourself a task, then complete it. For example, you figured out the reason for your husband’s infidelity, but you don’t know what to do next. This means that thoughts about this will not go away and will interfere with a calm life;

In order to quickly forget about betrayal, you need to adjust your behavior in such a way as to make a firm and final decision. If you are going to forgive your husband, then forgive and forget the insults. If you decide to break up, do it and get it out of your head too.

Any decision should be made only in a calm state. If you are very upset or under emotional stress, you will not be able to accept

smart decision.

If you continue to live with your husband, then do not remember his mistake in every conflict situation. Moreover, when the spouse sincerely repented. There is no need to remember old sins. Since you gave your husband a chance, then give him the opportunity to take advantage of it. This will make it easier for the woman herself to forget about what happened.

How to forget about your husband's betrayal? Stop the pitiful attitude in yourself, and you will be able to look at the situation differently.

Where does pity even come from when it comes to betrayal? The woman feels unhappy, injured, and feels offended. The deceived wife begins to feel sorry for herself. And pity is one of the worst definitions. To feel sorry for yourself means to feel worthless, worse than someone else. As a result, self-esteem decreases and confidence disappears.

It’s even worse if, despite the man’s betrayal, the wife begins to feel sorry for him too. Think about how you are worse than your man to humiliate yourself like that. What advantages does he have, what gives him the right to humiliate the woman he once loved? Answer these questions honestly and put pity out of your head.

It is difficult to forget about the betrayal of your beloved husband. And if the family has common children, then the situation becomes doubly complicated.

To keep your head from being filled with thoughts of cheating, do something interesting. Find an activity that will take up all your free time so that you have no time to be distracted by such thoughts;

In order not to bother your head with thoughts of betrayal, read the statistics. Almost every family has experienced the betrayal of one of their partners at least once. Of course, this won't make it any easier. But think about it, if everyone continued to think about cheating, then relationships and future life would stop;

in some exceptional cases, cheating serves as a relationship reset. The spouses continue to live together, and their feelings are not only restored, but reach a new level.

The most difficult and unpleasant test can also be viewed from a positive side. This is another page of life experience. After experiencing betrayal, you will begin to look at relationships differently and become wiser.

Probably every girl faces the problem of being overweight? After all, sometimes it’s not easy to lose weight, look slim and beautiful, or trim your sides or belly. Diets don’t help, you don’t have the strength or desire to go to the gym, or it doesn’t bring tangible results.

As you know, relationships between representatives of the stronger and weaker sex begin with mutual sympathy, which develops into love, because each of us strives to find our life partner, and it is our site that will help you build truly strong relationships and become happy.

Intentional and regular violation of marital fidelity is acceptable only in those couples where such behavior is normal and does not hurt the feelings of the other partner. In families with a traditional view of things, a man’s affair on the side is the reason for the breakdown of a marriage and the destruction of the relationship of lovers. However, casual relationships on the side (forced, provoked) also happen, and under such conditions there is a chance to save the marriage. But how can you forget your husband’s betrayal and preserve a trusting relationship in the future?

Options for adultery

When deciding how to forget about your husband’s betrayal, women don’t think about whether the betrayal is physical (sex with another woman) or psychological. However, the consequences of both cases are different. In case of physical infidelity:

provocation, seduction without the desire of a man is possible. Excess alcohol, an aphrodisiac (a drug that stimulates sexual desire), a drug, an altered state of mind as a result of other reasons - and a faithful partner has sex with another woman, without controlling himself and not understanding what he is doing;
probably a frivolous attitude on the part of the spouse. He does not consider sex on the side a violation of obligations to his wife;
a man differentiates between physical and emotional relationships. While loving, appreciating and respecting his wife, he is attracted to another partner and does not understand his wife’s resentment about this;
the husband is looking for variety in sex, not satisfying his needs with his wife (sexual perversions, intimacy with several partners at the same time, homosexuality, etc.);
a man wants to receive sexual release when intimate intimacy with his wife is impossible (complicated pregnancy and the postpartum period, illness, long-term absence).

Emotional infidelity has another background:

the absence of a sexual relationship on the side does not prevent a man from emotionally distancing himself from his wife, ceasing to pay attention to her, or demonstrating in society his disdain and affection for another woman;
While continuing intimate relationships in marriage, the spouse satisfies all emotional needs on the side.

Combining physical connection with another partner and emotional distance is the most difficult case. At the same time, a woman should not think about how to forgive and forget your husband's betrayal, but to decide whether the relationship is worth saving.

Is it worth forgiving?

A one-time casual relationship with a stranger can be the result of a man’s mistake, carelessness, or emotional breakdown. If the spouse is ready to accept him after this, the marriage may well be saved.

If sexual relations with several (outside) partners in a married couple are the norm and are not perceived as a violation of fidelity, we are not talking about infidelity. Freedom of relations allows this option of marriage, subject to the voluntary consent of the spouses (partners in an unregistered marriage).

A woman who is emotionally independent of her husband will easily survive his betrayal if it does not infringe on her interests and rights. Example: an arranged marriage is formalized in such a way that the spouses are not obliged to remain faithful; third-party relationships are permissible, provided that external decency is observed.

You should not think about how to forget your husband’s infidelity and listen to people’s advice on this topic if infidelity creates incorrigible psychological discomfort. In the case when third-party connections of a marriage partner humiliate a woman in the eyes of children and relatives, close people, violate her marital and property rights, bring pain and cause illness (emotional breakdowns with severe psychosomatic manifestations) - you should think about how forget your husband after cheating.

Women's attitude towards a man's infidelity

The range of emotional reactions is large, but the main typical options stand out:

Adultery is betrayal, regardless of the reason. You cannot continue to live with a traitor. If divorce is not possible, marriage becomes a “battlefield”;
an accidental violation of fidelity - for the first time, unintentionally - can be forgiven, a constant and conscious connection - not;
the spouse made a mistake, we need to help him forget the mistake and not reproach him;
Sex on the side is dangerous, there is a high risk of getting a sexually transmitted disease or an illegitimate child. Let him “walk”, but the health and presence of children must be monitored;
if sex with another woman, one-time or permanent, does not in any way affect the attitude towards the family - why not;
Let him sleep with whoever he wants, what's the difference.

The attitude changes from complete rejection of infidelity to an indifferent attitude.

The behavior patterns of betrayed wives are associated with emotional reactions.

Parting with a deceiver without the right to restore the marriage.
Tossing between “I can’t forget my husband’s betrayal, what should I do?!” and constant attempts at reconciliation until immediate divorce and severance of all ties. The final result depends on external circumstances and the behavior of the man.
Preserving a family for a period of 1...5 years with conflicts and jealousy. Usually this is the result of a situation where you cannot forget your husband’s infidelity.
A thoughtful analysis of the reasons for extramarital sex, a serious conversation with your husband, maintaining a marriage without quarrels and conflicts. In this case, the advice of a psychologist on the topic “How to forget your husband’s betrayal and not reproach him” will be very helpful.

Algorithm of actions if you want to save your family

Appeals to psychologists on the topic “Help me forget my husband’s infidelity” and analysis of situations from the lives of married couples helped to develop a set of actions to help understand the situation and preserve the family and a favorable climate in it.

Collection of information and analysis of the action. Considering that information about infidelity can be unreliable (reported by an envious woman, a colleague-competitor, ill-wishers), it is necessary to check the received data. First-hand information is also important - from the man himself.
Analysis of your own attitude to the problem.
Developing a solution - saving the marriage, “probationary period”, separation. The spouse's opinion is also taken into account, but the main decision is up to the injured party.

If you decide to give the man time to correct the mistake or save the couple without conditions, you must:

discuss with your spouse the reasons and consequences of his action, make sure of his desire to change the situation and save the marriage;
increase the spouse’s share of participation in family life - raising children, solving financial issues, and household affairs;
do not refuse physical intimacy, meaning sex and tactile communication at all levels;
reconsider your own behavior, attitude towards your partner and life - perhaps the reason for infidelity does not lie in the man.

If the husband considers adultery to be normal and intends to change his mind, but for the wife the situation is unacceptable, divorce becomes the only way out. If it is necessary to preserve the marriage for financial, material and other reasons, a warning about an impending divorce forces the spouse to reconsider his attitude towards adultery, learn to hide it, or abandon it in order to continue the marriage.

How long does it take for psychological adaptation?

The phrases “I can’t forget my husband’s betrayal after a year” or “is it possible to forget my husband’s betrayal in a few months” signal: the emotional trauma for a woman is great and requires a long period of “healing”. Marital infidelity destroys a wife's self-confidence and lowers her self-esteem. It takes several months or years to restore previous psychological attitudes, depending on how difficult the breakup is and the character of the spouse. It will be good if during the recovery period a course of consultations with a psychotherapist is carried out or there is an activity that completely absorbs attention and energy.

Conclusion

No matter how much a woman worries about her partner’s third-party relationship, emotional stability and self-confidence can be restored. To do this, you need to remain calm and self-possessed, follow the reasonable advice of psychologists on how to forget your husband’s infidelity and calm down.

The main thing is to remember: life does not end with your spouse’s infidelity; sometimes it just begins with it.

Our memory is amazing. From all the information provided to her by life, she chooses not what her owner wants, but what she herself considers necessary. That's why we don't remember our mobile phone number and can't forget our husband's infidelity to his wife. Although, I would like it the other way around.

Most likely, this article is being read by a woman whose husband has already “gone to the left” and who already has a rough idea of what mistakes she has made. However, repetition is the mother of learning.

Many people remember facts better when they are presented in a table or list. Write a list of your mistakes on a piece of paper so you remember and don’t repeat them again.

The first and most important mistake in family life is jealousy.

It’s a paradox, but mostly men cheat because their wives are wildly jealous.

As always, let's compare a husband to a dog. One unfortunate dog sits on a chain all his life, dreams of freedom. He goes crazy when the chain suddenly breaks. He runs in circles, tail up, knocking over everything in his path, biting everyone. A man on a business trip who is “sitting on a short leash” at home does the same thing.

The stray Tuzik, who is not restrained by anyone and who is only allowed to guard the house, will never run away from this yard! He is devoted in soul and body and, on the contrary, is afraid that the gate will not be opened for him if he runs out into the street for a while.

Jealousy is your leash. It's impossible not to be jealous at all. But the leash is different. One is a chain with a strict collar. Another is a delicious stew in a bowl and “scratch behind the ear.”

The second mistake is lack of incentives

You’re not jealous, you’re not holding back, but you’re not letting him get close. It's not about sex, it's about the soul. A distant attitude, closedness, lack of affection and care first excite some men, force them to scratch your impenetrable shell and do things.

Then, over time, they meet a woman with whom it is easy to be loved. And he takes the path of least resistance. In everything you need to know when to stop. Even in the absence of jealousy. Sometimes remember about a bowl of sugar bone and “scratch behind the ear.”

The woman lost herself

The lady got married, gave birth to her wife two or three children and calmed down. Where will he go now? He will be tortured to pay alimony.

This behavior makes a man unhappy. He really can’t leave his family and children (I’m talking about a normal man). But that beautiful nymph, who previously aroused desire and tenderness in him, turned into a fat, tortured aunt with bitten nails and a washcloth on her head.

What's the result:

A man is suffering. He loves her in his own way, but DOESN'T WANT her. He is not a womanizer, he really feels bad from hopelessness and disappointment.
This behavior of a woman makes her unhappy. She is not loved, she is tolerated, and in the end, she is cheated on. Only a fool wouldn't understand this.
But children suffer the most in this situation.. They, like a litmus test, determine the color of the family’s health and strongly experience bad relationships that they do not understand.

Not the last mistake is the inability to forgive

Let's break the topic into two meanings. The ability to forgive in general is a fundamental position of a person. The Bible commands forgiveness, appealing to common sense: we are all not without sin. Today you will forgive, tomorrow they will forgive you. The one who does nothing is not mistaken, etc.

To forgive means not to keep it in your bosom as an argument for every opportunity. To forgive means to let go of yourself and forget.

How to forget your husband's cheating

Understand the motive

It is not for nothing that the wise saying “To understand is to forgive” has taken root in people’s society. Let's take small children, for example. Unfortunately, there is no education without punishment. Only one punished kid clenches his fists, harbors a grudge and acts out of spite, while the other understands that he is wrong and is to blame, still loves the one who teaches him to live.

Why is this happening? Because the first unfortunate man does not understand why and why. No one explained to him the reason for the ban.

You have been punished. Not on purpose. Not even a husband, but life in his guise. You did something wrong, you made some fatal mistakes and now you are getting retribution. Understand the motive, explain it to yourself (you are not a child) and move on with your life without harboring resentment (you can even be grateful for science).

Sometimes women, not trying (or not being able) to understand the motives, look for and find the guilty around them, putting the halo of a martyr on their heads. Unfortunately, this pose will not help and has never helped correct the situation. It is even dangerous due to subsequent depression.

Dialogue

Truth is born in dispute. The dialogue reveals the points that can hold together a crumbling marriage. However, you need to be able to conduct a dialogue correctly:

Only on topic! You can jump to another to close the quarrel. For example, offer to go to the seaside or tell about your son’s “A” grades. Never remember the grievances of the day before yesterday. Only today!

Using the phrases “you’re always like this” or “you never..”, you seem to be programming your opponent for the future. It's better to avoid them.
Talk about a sensitive topic only on a “sober head” in the literal and figurative sense. If your emotions suddenly go wild and you want to scream or throw something at him, slow down and leave the room. This definitely won't help.
Discuss the topic without epithets and insults neither him nor his mistress. Your neutral position will break through his pride much faster than screaming and tears.
Silence can be used as punishment, but within reasonable limits. We must not miss the opportunity for productive dialogue.

Remember the best sides of your spouse

Happy is the woman who loves herself. Do you want to be happy? Don't make yourself look unhappy. Love it! Look at him a little from the outside, at least through the eyes of the woman with whom he cheated on you.

Even after 30 years of marriage, women still like him. Your eyes are just blurry. We don’t keep what we have, we cry when we lose it. Love him again. Yes, of course, you already love him, but... not as much as before, not as he would like. Try to diversify your life a little so that he, looking at you, will wipe the dust off his glasses.

How to live on

After a husband’s betrayal, as well as a wife’s, there are three possible scenarios:

Divorce. For some reason, every psychologist claims that this is the worst option. Why? You need to preserve your family by any means if this family is not a mistake. If everyone feels bad about it, why save it?
Live as if nothing happened. Agree that sometimes betrayal in the soul is much more dangerous than betrayal in the body. If the husband was simply drawn to the “strawberry”, and the wife turned out to be a wise woman, everything will return to its previous course. In this case, adultery can be repeated constantly. But neither husband nor wife will be considered cheating.
Betrayal as stress, as external repression, as a family crisis. Both will come out of it, hugging tightly, united. Having shaken off the dust from the relationship, they will celebrate a new honeymoon.

In each individual case, the problem is solved differently. It is difficult to write recipes that are suitable for every family.

Are you sure that your family should definitely be resuscitated? Calmly analyze your attitude towards her:

want to be like everyone else; inferior, but his own;
definitely return it in order to take revenge and abandon it yourself;
afraid of loneliness, material instability;
you realized that you love him.

It is clear that only the last answer is worthy of struggle and existence. Only in this case do we proceed this way.

Let's get ourselves in order, lose weight, do your hair and cook delicious food.
In no case are we following, we don’t peek, we don’t sniff and we don’t read SMS on his phone. Remember, he who seeks will find.
We don't make scandals.
If the relationship still allows, go together to the forest, to the zoo, or just for a visit.
We don’t hang ourselves or poison ourselves. It's not the end of the world, and he's not the best man in the world, believe me.

In any case, no matter what scenario events develop in, we must move on with our lives, loving and respecting ourselves. A good Russian proverb says: whatever God does not do, everything is for the better. So be it!

Video: Expert opinion

No woman is immune from her husband's infidelity. Even the strongest couples are destroyed by the appearance of a homewrecker. Over the years of marriage, many people experience their husband’s infidelity with their best friend or find out about casual sex with a colleague after a large dose of alcohol. Forgiving betrayal is difficult, regardless of its reasons. . It is a mistake to believe that a mature woman is wiser, and it is easier for her to understand a man and cope with resentment. The young girl has everything ahead, and the wife, who thought she was living in a happy marriage, has her whole life in ruins.

A man and a woman understand love differently. For the fair half, this means care, attention and loyalty. Most men do not consider their infidelity a reason for divorce. A loving husband regrets his actions and is sure that his wife should forgive him, because he loves only her.

Having learned about her husband's infidelity, a woman is overcome by strong feelings: resentment, anger, hatred, self-pity and even fear. It is very difficult to cope with such an influx of feelings. You can take a sedative or drink a glass of water in small sips. Give free rein to your tears and cry. Alone with herself, a woman must understand whether she can forgive the cheater and save the family. And only then, having finally calmed down, talk to your husband.

There is another option. The wife begins to wail, begging him not to leave her and the children, falling at his feet. Such submissive and pathetic behavior does not solve the problem of betrayal and does not make a woman beautiful. It's hard to stay calm, but some women manage to do it, even if they come home and see their husband in their shared bed with their best friend.

Maintaining dignity and calm is very important when talking to adults. Especially if the couple does not intend to divorce. It doesn’t matter under what circumstances the husband’s infidelity became known, the main thing is to try to maintain common sense.

What will help you forgive?

There are various reasons why a woman does not want to get a divorce:

1. Housing conditions. The woman has nowhere to go, and she does not want to leave the house in which she has created comfort through her efforts.
2. Small children. The husband is a great father and it is worth saving the marriage for their sake.
3. Pleasant memories. Happily lived years and many joyful moments still live in my memory.
4. Uncooled feelings. A woman cannot imagine life without her beloved husband.

It will never be possible to understand and forget, and if for one reason or another you want to save the family, you will have to try to forgive your husband for his mistake and not perceive betrayal as a betrayal.

A betrayal that takes you by surprise hits your pride. At first, when you cannot forgive your spouse, the feeling of betrayal and resentment does not allow you to live in peace. But if you want to live together and you can’t let go, you need to take the advice of a psychologist on saving your family:

remember that you are friends and talk about the reasons that pushed him to cheat;
tell him that you don’t want to make hasty decisions and draw the wrong conclusions;
together think about a plan of action and a way out of the current situation;
remind your husband that just recently he was in love.

If you can’t calm down and want to let him go or take revenge, on the advice of psychologists you should take up self-hypnosis and meditation. In a calm atmosphere, think about whether the wife is to blame for her husband’s infatuation with another, and put yourself in his place. Often the betrayal of one is the fault of two.

How to get your old life back on track

If the decision is made in favor of the family, and life has returned to its previous calm course, there is no need to spoil everything with sudden outbursts of hidden resentment. It’s better not to remember the betrayal at all and not to remind your husband about it. Relationships and intimate life will also have to be restored.

For some couples, after betrayal and reconciliation, passion flares up again, and they discover something new in each other. After overcoming the line separating life before and after betrayal, people change, and their outlook on life becomes a little different.