If you've ever been in a relationship with someone who flirted with others right in front of you, chatted up an attractive stranger, and tried to show that you weren't high on their list of priorities, it most likely means you were dating a narcissist. . And it is quite possible that he did all this on purpose.
New research shows that people who have many narcissistic traits strategically make their partners jealous by pursuing their own goals. In some cases, they try to control another person with this behavior, or their partner’s jealousy helps them increase their own self-esteem.
“Narcissists pursue their goals in the same way as anyone else,” says study author Gregory Tortoriello, a psychologist at the University of Alabama. “Nevertheless, narcissists often overstep their bounds.” 
Narcissism and low self-esteem
Psychological research shows that narcissistic personalities fall into two categories. The first includes grandiose narcissism, which is characterized by extraversion and high self-esteem. Such people are often overconfident.
The second category includes vulnerable narcissism. Such a person also shows a desire to exploit his partner in order to get what he wants. But vulnerable narcissists have a “natural fragility,” according to Tortoriello. They are insecure and have low self-esteem. 
Early research
Tortoriello and his colleagues were intrigued by early research that showed that narcissistic people often sabotage their romantic relationships with behaviors such as flirting. Researchers have suggested that this behavior is impulsive and narcissists cannot control themselves. But Tortoriello and his team noted that this is still not entirely true. 
Questioning students
Researchers asked 237 undergraduate students to complete questionnaires regarding personality traits, behaviors that provoke jealousy, and motivations for these behaviors. They found that the more narcissistic traits a person has, the more likely they are to try to make their romantic partner jealous. 
Reasons for playing the jealousy game
However, the reasons for these games vary depending on the type of narcissism. Grandiose narcissists reported that their behavior was motivated by a desire to gain power and control in the relationship. Vulnerable narcissists, on the other hand, try to induce jealousy for several reasons. One of them was to control the relationship, and the other was to test their strength. Such narcissists tried to secure their relationships by compensating for their low self-esteem and to take revenge on their partners for their “bad” behavior. 
“They, according to our research, induce jealousy in partners as a special means to pursue other goals,” Tortoriello said. “Narcissists do this intentionally.” 
Limitations of the Study
Despite these results, it is worth considering that the study has limitations. The data was obtained directly from the participants themselves, and therefore scientists cannot prove cause and effect. They can only determine the correlation between narcissistic traits and behaviors that provoke jealousy. Additionally, the study only involved students, so the rest of the world's population cannot be expected to behave in the same way. However, using student data for research has one advantage: they are more likely to have narcissistic traits than the general population. 
The students in the study were not pathologically narcissistic and did not have narcissistic personality disorder, which is the most extreme version of narcissism. But the results could be used in clinical therapy for more severe cases. For example, the idea that narcissistic people pursue goals just like anyone else, although they are less concerned about those they might harm, suggests that there may be a way to change those goals. In theory, narcissists may find other ways to achieve their goals that are similar, if not more maladaptive, so perhaps softening their goals could be beneficial.
- Narcissistic personality disorder is a single diagnosis, but it combines three types of narcissism.
- People with these disorders are classified into categories based on how they interact and treat other people.
- Some experts believe that identifying a person's type of narcissism can make a relationship possible, while others believe that it is the best way to maintain clarity in a relationship.
To be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, a person must exhibit at least five of nine specific characteristics. People with these disorders have low levels of empathy, an exaggerated sense of self, and a need for admiration.
Many narcissists live by similar patterns of behavior, such as flattery, manipulativeness and abandonment of people who do not benefit them, but at the same time they can behave in very different ways.
Many psychotherapists and therapists divide narcissists into three different categories based on three types of actions: openness, closedness, and toxicity.
According to Elinor Greenberg, a therapist who wrote the book Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Need for Love, Admiration, and Security, the form of a person's narcissism depends largely on upbringing.
Overt narcissists are a stereotype
For example, overt (or pretentious) narcissists have the “look at me” mentality that children often have.
Children don't immediately learn how to understand their parents' problems, "so they lack empathy in that regard," Greenberg says. “If you outgrow this stage of life with a normal level of attention, then you can overcome this barrier.”
But some people, she says, grow up in families where children are raised in a narcissistic manner - for example, their family members may position them as special and argue that they deserve success because "it's in their blood."
An overt narcissist is the stereotypical image of a narcissist, says Shannon Thomas, a licensed clinical social worker who wrote the book Healing Covert Abuse.
"They think they're incredible—they find themselves smarter, more attractive, and stronger than other people, and they truly believe it," she told Business Insider. "Even when they're with friends or close colleagues, they put themselves one step above."
Overt narcissists are not insecure, Thomas argues. If they don't praise themselves, they try to humiliate someone else. They are often rude, inconsiderate, and mean to other people. They choose to ignore or not even notice how others react to their actions.”
Closed narcissists have different personality traits
Some people with narcissistic personality disorder grow up in families where they had to constantly compete for love or in families where they were constantly thwarted, Greenberg says, in such cases, people receive approval only when they themselves are admired.
Closed (or covert) narcissists want to be special, but this causes them internal conflict. Like overt narcissists, closed narcissists also feel incredibly special, but they are much more vulnerable.
“Covert narcissists don't directly say they are special,” says Greenberg. “They choose someone else—a person, a religion, a book, a clothing designer—who they consider special, and then begin to feel a sense of personal specialness when interacting with them.”
She also added: “When someone feels special because they wear designer clothes, others define it as an associative feature. Closed narcissists often lack self-confidence, so they look for someone they can idealize.”
Their behavior can often be described as passive-aggressive. For example, they try to keep their love partners in constant disappointment. They may promise something and then not deliver in order to enjoy the reaction of others.
“They do what they want, when they want,” Thomas says, “and then they try to make themselves look like the victim.”
By constantly saying one thing and doing something completely different, people with a closed type of narcissism drive people close to them to the point of insanity, forcing them to doubt the reality of what is happening and their own adequacy. Closed narcissists may accuse their partners of things they never did, but their partners may easily believe their words because their own reality begins to become distorted.
While open narcissists are quite consistent in their actions, closed narcissists may exhibit different personality traits. In certain situations, they may behave differently - in public they may present themselves as charismatic and sweet, but in relationships with their own partners - cruel and evil, which causes them even more uncertainty.
Toxic narcissists crave chaos and destruction.
Toxic (or malignant) narcissists take it up another notch. They not only crave attention to themselves, but also want others to feel subordinate. They are sadistic and enjoy other people's pain.
“Toxic narcissists are like the Ice Queen from Snow White,” says Greenberg. “When the mirror says that Snow White is more beautiful than her, the ice queen decides to kill Snow White and hide her heart in a box.”
Toxic narcissists find it incredibly exciting to inspire people and then watch them fail. Thomas calls this behavior an additional layer of sadistic behavior.
“This type of narcissism borders on antisocial personality disorder,” she says. “People who enjoy destroying other people's careers feel great about destroying other people emotionally, physically or spiritually.”
Toxic narcissists tend to be surrounded by chaos, Thomas says, so they enjoy bringing chaos into other people's lives.
“Harmony is not their goal,” she says. “We are very worried about its abundance, but they, on the contrary, receive energy during its deficiency. That is why such people often provoke problems and drama in the lives of others. They always say they hate drama, but they always end up in the middle of it."
Relationships with narcissists can be risky
People with narcissistic personality disorder suffer from a lack of consistency. This means that, for example, when they express anger towards their partner, they do not see it in the context of the relationship and continue to demonstrate hatred or a desire to hurt their partner.
This makes relationships with narcissists—whether romantic, familial, or professional—very draining.
Greenberg argues that it is possible to build relationships with narcissists if you identify their type of narcissism and understand how it functions. Many relationship experts, one way or another, argue that it is better to stay away from narcissists.
However, it's entirely your decision, so it's worth doing some research on what you're getting into first.
businessinsider.com, translation: Artemy Kaidash
What is narcissism
Psychiatrists define narcissistic personality disorder as a belief in one's uniqueness, superiority over other people, a strong need for admiration, intolerance of any criticism of oneself, and a lack of empathy.
The name comes from the ancient Greek myth about a beautiful young man named Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflection in the water and could not tear himself away from it. As a result, he died of exhaustion and a delicate flower grew at the site of his death.
Today's daffodils are clearly not in danger of dying. They are usually successful and do not doubt their uniqueness. And narcissists were included in diagnostic reference books for psychiatry due to a lack of criticism of their condition, unwillingness to obey generally accepted norms and rules (“rules are for ordinary people!”), manipulative behavior and constant violation of the boundaries of other people.
The role of family in the formation of a narcissist
It turned out that narcissists become narcissists at the age of 7–11 under the influence of excessive praise from parents, who instilled in their children a sense of exclusivity and chosenness. The child begins to believe that he is better than other children, has superpowers, and therefore a special fate awaits him. As a rule, in reality, all this has no objective evidence.
Since this trend in parenting has become very popular over the past half century and is becoming more popular every year, as a result, over the past 40 years, the number of narcissists has increased from 3 to 10 percent, according to experts from the United States.
Narcissists are "grandiose" and "hidden"
“Grandiose” narcissists openly declare their exclusivity, quickly creating a circle of supporters around themselves, providing flattering reviews, attention from others and the media. Thanks to powerful self-presentation, they achieve success in show business, politics, sports, and corporate management.
The danger of grandiose narcissists is that they have the ability, having taken a sufficiently high position, to directly destroy the psyche of their subordinates. The affected person loses the ability to maintain his personal boundaries and becomes, as it were, an appendage of a grandiose narcissist. At the same time, he is pathologically prone to feelings of shame and guilt, which the narcissist uses for his own purposes. Most grandiose narcissists are surrounded by a group of psychologically broken people who are willing to do the boss's every whim.
“Hidden” narcissists do not have the ability to promote themselves, but, like “grandiose” ones, they are confident in their chosenness. Something like “princess or prince in exile.” Misunderstood, unappreciated, but they require the exclusive attention of others. To do this, they use the role of “victim of injustice” and also provide themselves with a certain circle of support.
“Hidden” people are especially intolerant of criticism and have received the second name “vulnerable narcissists.” They are characterized by pronounced envy of the successes of others and constant comparison with them.
The evil of covert narcissists hides behind a mask of external security. Those who fall for their bait do not immediately understand that they will not receive anything in return for their concern for the “victim.” Narcissists have no empathy. Therefore, the covert narcissist shamelessly exploits the person who believes in him, taking away his resources, time and emotions. He will call you day and night, demanding attention to himself. He borrows money and almost never pays it back. The attitude “The whole world owes me!” is tightly sewn into it. And God forbid you trust him and tell him something personal. The narcissist will set you up at the right time.
The worst thing is for daughters whose mother is a covert narcissist. It is almost impossible to please such a mother. She carefully destroys her daughter's privacy to ensure her loyalty.
Learning to protect ourselves from the poison of narcissists
If your boss is a “grand” narcissist and you value your work, then you should not argue with him or contradict His Majesty. Especially in the presence of others. It is better to clearly express your opinion one-on-one, looking straight into his eyes. If you want to promote your idea, try to present the matter in such a way that this idea first occurred to the boss, and you are only voicing his opinion.
Don't believe any of your boss's promises and don't strive to get into his trusted "inner circle." No personal conversations with such a boss! He only needs your problems in order to put pressure on your weak points at the right time.
It is also better to stay away from the “hidden” narcissist, simply because he will suck the vital energy dry from you. But if this is not possible due to the fact that the narcissist is your loved one, then you should start strengthening your personal boundaries. The covert narcissist reacts very strongly to such attempts, but this is the only thing that will save you from his poison and you will ultimately maintain your mental health.
It is important to understand in time that someone close to you suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, and to look at him from this angle. This will make your life a lot easier. Narcissists don’t go to psychologists, so this is “your cross.”
Sergey Bogolepov
Alexander the Great, Napoleon, Adolf Hitler, Madonna, Kim Kardashian, Kanye West and, finally, Donald Trump... What unites all these people? That they are considered the most famous daffodils of the past and present.
Narcissism- this is a character trait consisting of excessive narcissism and inflated self-esteem, which in most cases does not correspond to reality.
In any field, getting to the top requires incredible self-confidence and belief in your abilities. But at what point does this confidence develop into narcissism? In modern psychology, the term "narcissism" can describe its three different forms.
The most famous is the so-called narcissism of the "grand" type. Such a narcissist is usually a person with a highly inflated ego, an arrogant or charismatic type, perhaps an extrovert, a manipulator who uses other people.
About the manipulation of narcissists and more: 20 dirty tricks with which narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths manipulate us (editor's note)
If you imagine a classic narcissist, for example, an actor or politician, then this will most likely be a narcissistic personality of the “grandiose” type.
Another form of narcissism, much less well known, is "vulnerable" narcissism. Such people also think that everyone owes them, and they are also fixated on themselves, but on top of that, they are vulnerable and shy. They may experience anxiety and low self-esteem, as well as be extremely sensitive to criticism. Covert narcissists like these are very difficult to identify. Although they crave attention, they are too afraid to go out in public.
Both of these types of narcissism are personality traits, meaning they are present in “healthy doses” in each of us. But when manifestations of narcissism are so prevalent in a person that they become a hindrance for her at work, in relationships with other people, and she cannot control it in any way, this can develop into a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.
Popular in the personal experience section: I have a narcissistic mother. How to overcome the toxic influence of parents (editor's note)
Narcissistic personality disorder is a personality disorder in which there is a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by an exaggerated sense of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack of understanding of others' feelings. In Russia, unlike the USA, such a diagnosis is not made. It is not included in the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-10) used in our country.
A person who demonstrates clear deviations from social norms is likely to be diagnosed with F60.8 – Other specific personality disorders.
According to Western statistics, about 1% of the population suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, with more men than women. Its causes are not fully known, but it has been established that in some cases the disorder may be hereditary. Narcissistic disorder often co-occurs with other mental disorders, particularly depression, bipolar disorder, anorexia, and substance abuse.
People with narcissistic personality disorder have been found to have less gray matter in the left anterior shell, the part of the brain responsible for empathy, emotional regulation, compassion and cognitive function.
If you have narcissistic personality disorder, it's likely affecting your daily life...negatively. It is possible that you are dissatisfied with life in general and become upset when others do not admire you or pay special attention to you. Your work, personal life and relationships with other people are probably also suffering, however, you do not see your own role in this. People with narcissistic personality disorder are rarely able to recognize the destructive effects that their behavior has on themselves and others.
You have just met a person and after just a few seconds of communication you feel that something is wrong with you. Before this meeting, everything was fine, but now you are tormented by doubts about your appearance, career success, and the like.
Imagine that this person is the mother of one of your child’s friends. She not only looks great. She only managed to introduce herself, but her tone undoubtedly conveys the importance of her work, the ideal situation in her family and the fact that she always does the right thing.
In such a situation, it is very easy to fall into the purgatory of soul-searching. Whether it's a casual conversation or a business meeting, those who are eager to tell everyone about their importance can make other people feel insignificant.
Wouldn't it be nice to avoid such encounters and live your life without any doubts? Armed with a small set of analytical techniques, you can not only feel better, but also find a weak point in the armor of these almost perfect people.
The psychological basis of this process was explored by the Viennese psychoanalyst Alfred Adler, who coined the term “inferiority complex.”
Inferiority complex and superiority complex
According to Adler, people who feel inferior to others resort to overcompensation every day through “achieving superiority.” These internally insecure people can only feel happy by asserting their own importance. According to Adler, this is the essence of neurosis.
Today we know that the desire to achieve superiority is a manifestation of narcissistic personality disorder - a disorder that causes a person to constantly boost self-esteem. Narcissists are divided into grandiose (everyone owes them something) and vulnerable (those who, despite their ostentatious bravado, feel weak and helpless). Some scientists are of the opinion that the basis of both types of narcissism is low self-esteem, and grandiose narcissists are simply better at camouflage. In any case, if you are dealing with a person who is trying to put you down, then it is likely that he has narcissism.
Normal narcissism
Narcissism does not necessarily develop to the level of pathology; it may be present to a greater or lesser extent. Some personality researchers, instead of grandiose and vulnerable types, distinguish "covert" and "overt" narcissism. In 2015, psychologist James Brooks from the University of Derby (UK) decided to find out how such people feel in terms of self-esteem and self-efficacy (self-confidence).
Using a group of college students as an example, Brooks analyzed the effects of overt and covert narcissism on self-esteem and self-efficacy. The two types of narcissism turned out to be completely unrelated to each other, which confirmed the legitimacy of this division. People with pronounced narcissism had higher self-esteem: the need for “uniqueness” played a crucial role in the lives of these self-aggrandizing people. Covert narcissists had lower self-esteem.
In terms of self-efficacy, overt narcissists also came out ahead of their insecure and hypersensitive counterparts. The need to dominate other people seems to give overt narcissists a sense of omnipotence.
How to psychologically interpret the actions of your narcissistic friends: friends, colleagues, partners.
