Man, be guided by your own goals!
Alexander Biryukov
Trouble modern man is that he does not know how to live by his own interests. He doesn’t even know what kind of interests these are – his own. From childhood until old age, those around him ram his brain with demands to meet their expectations. A man should live in the interests of his grandmother, mother, teacher Marivanna, neighbor Lena, girlfriend Natasha, friend Petya, colleague Sergei, even the neighbor’s cat Murzik, but not his own. Society claims that a man does not and cannot have his own interests. This is a consumable product, something between motor oil and printer paper. I'm not advocating being selfish. But...
You went out into the yard with new toy and you want to play with it to your heart’s content, but the girl Marina snatches it out of your hands? Don't you dare resist, she's a girl!!! She is small, weak and so cute, and you are a worthless boy! Never forget this! Her interests take precedence over yours.
You play the guitar great and created a school band that looks good not only at the school disco. But your mom always dreamed of a lawyer son. Even when there was no trace of you, she dreamed of seeing her son with his lawyer daddy. You are a grateful son and don’t want to step on the throat of your mother’s song, do you? What? Don't you have the ability to work as a lawyer? Don’t you dare even think about it, mommy knows best what’s good for her son. Your tenth grade begins at a school that prepares you for admission to law school.
You have a penchant for physics, you design model airplanes that fly well, but your mother dreamed of a son who was a doctor. A man in a white coat is so beautiful, lyrical and romantic, and most importantly - respectable! With a hairstyle like this, a pen from his pocket, a serious look... ah! “What are you complaining about?” A dream, not a son. Your documents were taken from Baumanka and submitted to the medical center. Your number sixteen, you exist to fulfill the dreams of your beloved mother. She gave you life, and now she can do whatever she wants with you.
Remember that from the age of 20-22 you are required to live alone. Separate from parents, brothers, sisters and other relatives. Renting an apartment as a couple with a friend is only permissible as a student, and even then it’s not comme il faut. Are you saying that living with your sister you spend much less time on everyday life and less money on rent? Are you saying that this time can be spent on your tasks, and the money can be put to work and generate income? Everything is clear with you. You are a loser, a beggar and a loser. And all your arguments are ridiculous excuses.
Don’t forget that from the age of 20-22 you should have your own car. What did you say? You have a five-minute walk to work, but you don’t go anywhere else, and you don’t need it? This is not a reason to break the rules! Remember - a man without a car is a ! What other Daewoo Matiz? What? Are you saying that you can get to the store with it just as well as with a behi? But, but, don’t make things up here! You can rent a bed from an alcoholic grandmother 50 kilometers from the city limits, eat homeless packages and save on toilet paper, but you have to drive the car up on a steep road! Cool chicks don't drive Matiz cars. Not their style. Not their center of gravity. Eh, friend, what did you just say? That with two million you can open a small business or make a down payment on a mortgage? You speak, but don’t talk! Tachila, brother. Tachila. You are now the Lord of the Rings. That's it, screw it.
You can also tell me that the metro is much faster, and you won’t get stuck in a traffic jam for two hours. I'll laugh. The poor man's excuses. Which... well, you understand.
The same rule applies to: watches, mobile phones, belts, laptops, etc., etc. Even if device A performs the same functions as device B, but device B has a higher status, you must buy B. Otherwise, you are a loser, a beggar and a loser. No one is interested in your arguments about rationality and functionality. Remember: you are not making money for yourself. You earn it for people. Complete strangers whose expectations you must meet.
At work, at home, do neighbors and friends pin their problems on you and force you to solve them? So decide, otherwise why are you smoking the sky? What? Are you saying it keeps you from doing your own thing? And what, exactly, might you have to do? You were created only to serve others. You must be convenient and easy to use.
A man must SEEK a woman. It’s not just not to avoid, to be interested and look closely, but to search. Persistently. Walk the streets with the butterfly detector turned on and listen to its signals. You are obliged to attend a) parties, b) clubs, c) registrations, d) other places where sober and not so sober people gather. All with the goal of picking up a chick (so that later she can fill the space of your cool tachila). No one cares that you can spend this time on self-development, a hobby, a career, or realizing an old dream. You can't have any dreams other than chica. And tachili with her inside. And you must persistently look for it.
Did you find it? Great. . Yes, yes, you heard right. Every self-respecting man is obliged to invite every woman passing by him to a restaurant. And that one. And that one, at the bus stop. And this one, which... Don't you like stuffy rooms with a lot of people? Do you want to take a walk on neutral territory to get to know the person? You don’t want to be a sponsor, do you want to be loved for your personal qualities, and not for money? Don't want to gather mercantile people? Everything is clear with you. You are a loser, a beggar and a loser. You are not making money for yourself. You earn money for women, but no one is interested in your interests. I don't apologize for the pun. Didn't deserve it.
You are interested in a certain Masha-Dasha. No, you didn’t fall in love with her, you just realized that this person was worth taking a closer look at. Now, she has to be capricious, wobble, dynamite you and wipe her feet on you. And you are a man! You must throw yourself at the embrasures over and over again, trying to break the reinforced concrete with your forehead. You must beg, beg, humiliate yourself. You are a man! It's your job to achieve. She is a woman, her job is to be capricious. Don't forget: tachila, restaurant. Restaurant, tachila (I’ll repeat it again). But this is not enough. To prove your love, you must add to this set a) jewelry, b) a cruise, c) expensive rags. And don’t even think about demanding reciprocity! She's not your prostitute, you didn't buy her! She's Free Strong Woman. Personality. But you don’t. You are a servant.
You say it’s stupid to waste time and money on a person who doesn’t make counter steps, but only breaks down and is capricious? Are you saying you don't want a woman who sells you sex for money? Are you saying that it is better to invest all these resources not in an unfamiliar person, but in yourself? Spend time on self-development, and make money work and generate income? You are a loser, a beggar and a loser. And you are also not a man. Men have no interests of their own. Haven't you realized this yet?
If you think that the above is all that you are obliged to do, you are deeply mistaken. You have another resource to which you have no right. Time. You must be on duty at the first call like a sentry. And even without a call - a real man Without words, she guesses the wishes of her baby. Whether it’s night or day, whether you’re working or lying in a fever, you must: a) entertain, calm, chat, make them laugh, b) show up and eliminate any difficulties, be it a traffic accident, a burnt-out light bulb, a computer virus or fleas on a cat. Friends' cats. Or rather, her boyfriend's cat. Yes, you owe it to your friend's boyfriend too. If you hear “I’m bored” on the phone, then you must interrupt the negotiations, close the office, run away from the operating table, stop the rocket launch. And rush like a fly to your baby. Otherwise he didn't pay attention to me. He paid no attention to me. What a scoundrel! A loser, a beggar and a loser...
Unspeakable, unheard of luck smiled at you, and Masha-Dasha, after just a year of your efforts, opened the gates of heaven to you. You won her! Anthem, fanfares, timpani and timapans! Horus is bursting with voices praising your victory! Celebrated? Well done. Don’t forget that no one removed all previous duties from you. You are still obligated to make abundant sacrifices at the mashidashi altar. Otherwise, the goddess will turn away from you. But now you must legitimize your relationship. Yes, just like that right away. Why wait? A week is enough. Eh, what’s it like to take a closer look and get used to it? How does it feel to test each other in sorrow and in joy? Nothing of the kind. We are obliged to put the state into bed. Right in the middle of the bed, exactly between us. Or are you, serf, not happy that Mashadasha deigned? Just like a fly for your passport and get registered! Otherwise, what will the neighbors say, huh?! Have you forgotten that your duty is to report to every passerby?
Do you have money and want to save it so that you can later receive income from investments or start a business? Don't you dare. You must spend it on clubs, women and unnecessary expensive trinkets. Have you got a lot of money and have you decided to open your own business or buy a bigger apartment? Don't talk nonsense. You have to buy them a cool car to drive the chicks around. Do you work and do you have enough? Get a second (third) job to please your pussy and buy even more gadgets you don’t need. Do you have free time and have you decided to get a second education, write a dissertation, a novel, or discover a cure for cancer? Don't even dream about it. You must find a woman and spend all your free time conquering her. Do you have the opportunity not to work, and have you finally decided to do what you dreamed of - a trip to the North Pole? Forget. You must a) get three jobs, b) find a woman, c) throw all your dreams into the trash. And do it as early as possible so as not to make others wait until you begin to meet their expectations.
……….
If I were to begin to describe everything that others demand from a man, and demand to the detriment of the man himself, then I would need two or three human lives. So I'll stop there. Need I say that all this is only an insignificant part of what strangers expect from you? I'm not advocating being selfish. But when they try to turn you into a doormat, you should finally say no. I do not encourage you to hoard. But every sane person should distinguish his own desires from the manipulations of others. You have two options: live by other people’s commands, whistles and scoldings, or be guided by your own goals and interests. The choice is yours.
Such a family will not be able to live harmoniously, because one is interested in one thing, the other is interested in another, and family conflicts will arise. One day a man came to me and said: “I lived with my wife for 30 years, but I won’t live with her anymore, I want to get a divorce. I am a believer, but I can’t do this anymore. I found myself a woman - she goes with me everywhere. I go fishing - and she goes fishing, I go for mushrooms - and she goes for mushrooms, I love the forest and can’t live without the forest: I go for cranberries - and she goes for cranberries... And I ask my wife for nothing, she takes everything with hostility, I I'm just tired. And she lives by my interests.” I invited his wife to talk. She came, I asked: “Is it difficult for you to tear yourself away from home and go to the forest to pick mushrooms? Does this require a lot of effort? She replies: “I don’t want to, I’m tired and I don’t want to.” I say: “You will lose your marriage.” As a result, he divorced her. Many such examples can be given.
But our question needs to be reformulated a little. Not “one of the spouses”, but a wife must submit to her husband's interests. As unpleasant as it may be for girls to hear, a wife must live in the interests of her husband, this is how it works, this is the spiritual law. If a wife does not live in the interests of her husband, then difficulties arise, disharmony in the family and the marriage breaks up.
Sometimes a woman complains: “I haven’t needed this dacha and these tomatoes for ten years.” But your husband loves these tomatoes, and you are forced to water them and go with him to the dacha: he is at peace there. And if a woman accepts her husband’s interests, good relations remain between them.
Everyone has their own: one man catches a fish and rejoices all day that he got it for his family. Another gathers berries, mushrooms... A wife must learn to live in the interests of her husband and always support them. Many people think: Now I’ll try harder, and then everything will go automatically.” It won't work automatically. As soon as spouses have different interests, conflicts arise. Why do husbands cheat on their wives and leave for other families? Because disharmony arises in family relationships.
What if the wife, due to circumstances, cannot obey the interests of her husband for good reasons? If he wants to have fun, but she cannot do it, and not for one day, but for some long time?
This will still bring disharmony into the marriage. Such a wife has an excuse in the family because she has a good reason, for example, she studies or works. In this case, the husband must use his head a little, because everything needs to be arranged so that their free time and interests coincide, i.e. this is a mutual process. I was talking about the wife so far, but the process is mutual, the husband should also strive for community. But if he adapts to his wife, but she doesn’t want something anyway, then it takes on a different color. It happens that a wife changes jobs (or chooses them) without considering at all how this might affect family relationships. She doesn’t think whether she will be able to live in the interests of her husband and whether everything will work out. If, when choosing a job, a wife does not take into account family interests, then she herself, as it were, is planting a time bomb under her marriage. She chose what she likes, but creates inconvenience for family life. As a result, the husband will live his life, and the wife - hers, because circumstances will twist her in such a way that, obeying them, she will no longer be able to live in the interests of her husband.
What if the wife is pregnant and therefore cannot go out and have fun? For example, some days she doesn’t feel well... Why should she obey her husband and be interested in his affairs? In such situations, shouldn't the husband meet halfway? How to find a compromise? Should a wife always let her husband go so as not to provoke conflicts in the family?
There must be a mutual compromise here. A wife should let her husband go if she sees that he is not mature enough to sacrifice his interests. She will have to do this, because otherwise there will be conflicts, quarrels, scandals in the family and relationships will deteriorate. It is very important for a wife to show feminine wisdom, and not to hit her head on: for example, when her husband wants to go somewhere, say: “I don’t feel well, and I would be very pleased if you took a walk with me today. Of course, if you can’t do it, then don’t... But if you can, take a walk with me in the fresh air or just stay with me, please, I’m so unwell..."
Some wives, and husbands too, think that if they haven’t expressed something, then the other side is so smart that they will definitely guess. This is a big mistake for young spouses and even experienced spouses. Of course, at a certain stage of marriage, husband and wife begin to understand each other without words, sometimes they even say the same thing at the same time, without saying a word. That is, people begin to live soul to soul, two truly become one flesh. But even in this case, it is still a mistake if the husband or wife expects that the other half will definitely guess something. It happens that a husband or wife walks around, hesitating: “I don’t feel well, but he doesn’t understand... I’m sad, won’t he guess? Why doesn’t he guess?.. Well, when will you guess, in the end? Don't you understand anything? Well, go wherever you want then...” You can’t beat yourself up like that. It is necessary, of course, in a delicate manner, to convey to your spouse that you have a problem, that you need help, that you want your significant other to accept your position. By expressing your requests, you will receive absolutely adequate reaction. But you shouldn’t repeat 30 times: “I don’t feel good, I don’t feel good...” - it’s annoying. If you said it and you see resistance, you need to let it go.
Family life is a process of mutual compromise, but the wife must learn to live in the interests of her husband.
What if the husband lives in the interests of his wife, and it seemed to him that these were his interests as well? Are they still forced on him?
The ideal option is when a husband and wife live in mutual interests, the husband is interested in the interests of his wife, and the wife is interested in the interests of her husband. But, since the family is still a patriarchal system, it is built on the principle of unity of command and the husband is the patriarch of the family, the head. Therefore, no matter what changes occur in the family, the wife is forced to obey. The husband goes on a business trip - she is forced to put up with this, he is sent to a new duty station - she is forced to go with him to the duty station, he has to get little sleep, get up early for exercises - and she has to get up early, he arrives almost alive from fatigue and drinks in boots on the bed - she has to pull his boots off. This is what it means to live in the interests of your husband. When you want to relax, and he says: “Let's go there. I understand that you want to go to the theater, but let’s skip any gatherings today, I just want to be with you or go out into nature with you.” In this case, you have to break something in yourself, but meet your husband halfway. That is, the wife begins to live the life of her husband. Of course, in a normal family, the husband lives in the interests of his wife, each tries to make the other feel good. This is a normal phenomenon, but still, male priority in a Christian family must be preserved.
How to behave so that your husband feels like the head of the family?
The husband should not feel like the head, he should become the head of the family. This requires a lot from a woman. Now, unfortunately, the difficulty is that there are a lot of single-parent families. One of my friends told me that she invited young people, students, to visit, 7 couples came, all boys with girls. During the conversations, it turned out that all the guys were from single-parent families. But there are other examples. Many of those who come to us to study at universities from Siberia and other regions are from large, prosperous families.
However, there are still many single-parent families. And of course, it is extremely difficult for a boy who grew up in a family without a father to become the head of the family. If his wife does not help him, if she trips him up, then he will never grow up to be the head of the family and will remain, as they say, behind his wife. Each spouse must take responsibility and perform their functions. With a husband from a single-parent family, the wife may have to perform both her and the man’s functions, this will disrupt her normal family state.
Are there rules of conduct between spouses and other people when the family appears in the company of other people?
The husband should be next to his wife, the wife should be next to her husband. With other people, the husband should not forget that his wife is with him, and the wife should not forget that she has a husband. They should not give each other any reasons for temptation or jealousy. There should be no moment of humiliation. A wife should show respect to her husband, and a husband should not humiliate his wife; he must treat her with respect so that she does not feel like an outcast. The integrity of the family must be preserved when spouses find themselves in society. Especially if it is a society of unfamiliar people.
Prot. Sergiy Filimonov
Other materials
When one of the spouses loses their feelings, this is extremely stressful. Any changes in a relationship for the worse are especially painful for a woman, since she vitally needs to be loved and desired. It is very difficult to admit the fact that a man has fallen out of love, so many wives continue to deceive themselves and play at being an ideal family. This position is very dangerous, as it implies inaction. It is much wiser to admit the problem and try to understand what to do if the husband does not love his wife. What signs may indicate this?
Direct “evidence” or hidden hints?
As a rule, a wife does not need to have direct evidence that she is no longer loved. This manifests itself even in small things; you just need to stop “hiding your head in the sand” and analyze your husband’s behavior. Psychologists advise paying attention to a whole range of factors that explain how a husband behaves if he does not love his wife.
The main signs of dislike
Is it necessary to save the family?
If a husband doesn't love his wife, what should she do? This is the first question that a woman must answer for herself. To make it easier to make a decision, you need to evaluate all the pros and cons of your man and understand whether you need to fight for him. Divorce is never easy, but living with a husband who has no feelings left is also difficult. Not every woman is ready to live in the hope that her husband will love her again.
Ways out of the situation
Psychologists assure that, finding herself in this situation, a woman can choose one of two options:
- Break up if you are not sure that your feelings will return, and do not torture yourself or your husband.
- Try to bring back lost love.
Can a husband fall in love again?
Life is unpredictable, so this outcome is quite likely. But for this a woman must make some effort. First of all, you need to remember how the relationship began and what initially attracted the man. Having analyzed the relationship, the wife must also realize her mistakes, because there probably were some. It is useless to shift the blame only to the husband; this position is doomed to failure.
There are always signs that a husband does not love his wife. What signs may indicate this - you need to figure it out. A woman knows her husband better than anyone, so it will not be difficult for her to identify the factors that provoke irritation. You should start working on your relationship by eliminating the reasons that cause your husband’s dissatisfaction.
Sometimes in such cases, a joint trip or a weekend spent together will be indispensable. The opportunity to retire and talk calmly is an important step towards mutual understanding.
Always adds up difficult situation if the husband does not love his wife. What to do is up to the woman to decide. When she wants to return her husband's love, she should not impose herself and become his shadow - this will push him away and cause a new wave of irritation. You cannot show your loneliness and melancholy. A confident and happy woman is much more attractive. For a husband to look at his wife with different eyes, she must believe in her attractiveness and exclusivity. It is unlikely that a husband will want to idolize a woman who does not believe in herself.
Honor and Praise
Any man loves to be admired. This is an integral feature of their nature, and many wise women take advantage of it. When a wife praises her husband and emphasizes his strengths, he feels confident around her and will constantly return for a new portion of admiration.
Probably every woman thinks from time to time: if the husband does not love his wife, what signs should be present. Joint conversations on topics that are interesting to both will help to renew old feelings. A woman can surprise her husband with her knowledge in various fields and show that she is smart and educated.
If you decide to leave...
Family life is not an easy matter, so it often ends in divorce. When people have different values and perceptions of the world, it is not easy for them to find a common language and maintain love. At the beginning of a relationship, very little attention is paid to this fact; it seems that all difficulties are surmountable. But when feelings cool down, optimism quickly disappears, and a situation often arises when the husband does not love his wife. Any wife knows what signs will help determine this.
If a woman realizes that she is not ready to live with a man who does not love her, she decides to leave him. In such cases, resentment and misunderstanding do not allow you to objectively assess the situation, but it is worth making an effort and parting correctly. There is no need to blame your husband for lack of love; it is better to try to accept reality and let him go. Perhaps then the relationship will move on new level, and everyone can live their own life.
What do the experts say?
If a husband does not love his wife, the psychologist’s advice boils down to one thing - to analyze the relationship and future prospects. It is important to understand that all couples feel cooling at some point in time. As the cold drags on, the woman begins to realize that perhaps her husband has stopped loving her. It seems that he lives his own life in which she has no place.
Each family may have its own reasons why it seems that the husband does not love his wife. The signs need to be considered only as a whole. Psychologists believe that most often feelings cool down due to the fact that there was not enough emotional intimacy between spouses. Misunderstanding leads to the fact that the couple cannot find a compromise and come to an agreement. Problems grow, irritation accumulates, and quarrels do not die down.
What to do?
When a woman realizes that her husband has lost interest in her, she thinks about how to return his feelings. But first of all, it’s worth figuring out: is it necessary to do this? Often, attempts to get a man to talk end in failure, since he is unlikely to discuss his feelings.
To avoid another scandal, a woman must express her thoughts calmly and judiciously, without stooping to insults. How does a husband behave if he doesn’t love his wife? By his behavior, intonation and words, you can understand whether there is a chance to restore the family or whether you need to come to terms with reality.
When a relationship feels like a one-way game, the wife needs to think about herself and remember that she also has the right to be happy. There is no need to continue meaningless conversations and try with all your might to keep your husband. Such actions will not lead to the creation of a strong family, but will bring new disappointments and collapse of hope.
A woman must realize that if she clings to your back, she will never feel needed and desired. Sometimes loneliness is much more pleasant than constant torment and suffering, so you shouldn’t be afraid of it. In addition, it is time to find peace of mind and harmony, which will be useful for building new relationships. It is important to realize that your own happiness does not depend on the actions of other people; it is achieved as a result of painstaking internal work above yourself.
For help - go to church
If the husband does not love his wife, the questions the woman asks the priest will help her learn to believe in the best. You need to appreciate life, notice elementary joys and know that God sends only those tests that a person can withstand.
Question: What does it mean that a husband should live in the interests of his wife? If, for example, a husband wants to go to one place on vacation and a wife wants to go to another, should the husband give in to his wife's wishes?
Most likely, a man marries a woman in order to spend time with her, at least this is what most men do. This is one moment. Secondly, why is it that men get upset when they get married and find out that a woman has desires, she is not just a wooden doll like a nesting doll. Why can’t we discuss and agree together? Whether you go on vacation where you want, or go where she wants, you still organize everything, you pay for everything, you still control everything.
The problem is that if you can't act like Stalin, then you don't feel like a man and you don't feel like you're in control. The way men see it is that he says “jump” and the woman asks “how high.” It would be much easier for you to find this type of relationship if you served in the army all your life and remained single. Then you could feel that everything in your life is under control from morning until night. Although there will still be problems there, since there is always some kind of boss above you. Except if you manage to climb to the very top and become an absolute dictator. But even then we will have to fear the gunas of nature, some kind of political influence from outside, birth, old age, illness and death. Probably all this comes down to the fact that we want to be God, the absolute controller and enjoyer. But, unfortunately, this post is already taken. This guy named Krishna occupied this place a long time ago. So I'm afraid you'll have to come to terms with this somehow.
And also, strangely enough, the Lord interacts with His devotees according to how they want to interact with Him. Moreover, He is the only man in all cosmic manifestation. And what I'm interested in understanding is how I can try to take the position of a man while maintaining female image thoughts. And just as women can't get along with each other, I can't get along with my wife either.
Why is control and leadership understood as “I say, she does, period”? Why leadership cannot be understood as: “Okay, we’re going to have the weekend soon. How can we best conduct them?” So you're in a leadership position to figure out how it's going to be. Either it will be some place that you have chosen, or a place that your wife has chosen. Or a place that the children want. But you are the one who takes on the role of figuring it out.
Let's give another example. You have a mother and you have a child. The child is hungry right now. What's next? The baby will eat now. Or for example, the child is tired now. The child falls asleep. Or, for example, a child wants to go to the toilet. What happens next? The child immediately goes to the toilet. Now comes the million dollar question. Who is in charge, mother or child? It seems like a child. But in reality it all depends on the mother. Does the mother lose her authority or her leadership position when meeting the needs of her child. Now do you understand what we're talking about?
You must understand what it means to be a leader, what it means to control. The problem is that you have had a relationship with a woman in which she satisfied all your needs. But in those relationships she was in charge, she was your boss. It was your mother. Now you have grown up and you have entered into another relationship with another woman. Now this woman is called a wife. But the man wants him to have the same relationship with her as he did with his mother, when she did everything for him that he wanted. But in relations with the mother, the mother was in charge. And in these relationships, although he wants everything to be exactly the same as it was then, nevertheless, he wants to be in charge. Therefore, you must understand what it really means to be in charge, to be a leader, and not what you imagined it to be.
Who is in charge, you or the government? You want to build a house, the government gives you permission. The government doesn't tell you to build a house. You want to build a house. And the government gives you permission. You want to drive a car, the government builds roads for you. You want to do business, the government gives you permission. Do you understand? So you have to figure out what it means to be in charge. Then you will understand the answer to your question.
So, if you want to build a house, then you can only build it on your own plot. Since to the right and left of your site are the sites of your neighbors. So the government tells you, “Yes, you can build a house, but it can only be bigger than this size.” In other words, the government makes a decision, but this decision is based on your desire. The only difficulty is that it is necessary to include reason, and not just remain within the framework of some popular concepts.
Fragment from the first lecture of Bhakti Vidya Purna Swami's seminar on family relationships. Moscow, 2007.
Z Hello, dear visitors of the Orthodox website “Family and Faith”!
Common interests between spouses are the key to a sincere and respectful relationship. When interests are different, or opposing, continuous disagreements arise.
Priest Pavel Gumerov, in the next chapter of the book “HE and SHE,” entitled “Common Interests,” raised a number of questions related to the topic we touched upon:
What are the reasons why divorces most often occur?
Why do spouses who came together to love each other cannot find a common language, topics, and communicate very little?
What must spouses have in common in order for them to have love, happiness, and common interests?
How can spouses find common interests that will bring them closer to each other?
Archpriest Pavel Gumerov
"AND institute family relations in Los Angeles, he became familiar with the circumstances of several thousand marriages. The reasons why divorces usually occur have been identified. So, in second place was: “Differences in opinions regarding how to spend free time.” That is, a discrepancy in the interests of partners. These studies were carried out quite a long time ago, but I think the situation has changed little.
Why do spouses who came together to love each other cannot find a common language, topics, and communicate very little? Apparently they don’t really want it. People in modern society and family are now very divided. One poet called our time “an era of great dislike.” Even families have appeared, and there are quite a lot of them, where husband and wife live under the same roof, but each has a completely different life. And at work, and on vacation, and even in terms of choosing a sexual partner. So they agreed. They call their marriage free and are very proud of their “ high relations" Their marriage is free from what? From love? Then what unites them? Shared living space? A husband and wife should have one soul, one heart, then there will be love, happiness, and common interests.
You can often hear from spouses who have been married for a long time that they no longer have anything in common, only children. And the point here is not that people have completely exhausted themselves as interlocutors, they know each other inside and out and they have nothing more to talk about, but that they were unable to preserve and support the feelings that they had.
Or you can often hear: “We don’t get along.” This means that I had to work on my character. Each person has his own temperament, his own characteristics. On the contrary, similar characters often interfere with communication. Imagine that both spouses have a hot, hot-tempered, emotional disposition. What a mess they can make! Or vice versa, both are melancholic, and also prone to depression.
Characters in general can be very different; one person can combine choleric, sanguine and melancholic. And spouses can have both similar characters and diametrically opposed ones. A man and a woman are generally attracted to each other because of their different polarities, like two magnets. By the way, people feel and work best in mixed teams. Especially women. There are a lot of internal problems and conflicts in all-female groups. Even in women's monasteries the situation is much more tense than in men's monasteries.
But let's return to common interests. How to find them? Very simple. To find mutual interests, you need to be interested in the interlocutor yourself. Imagine that you are not husband and wife with a lot of experience, but don’t know each other at all. What would you do to please, to find a common theme?
Of course, we tried to find out more: how your interlocutor lives, what his interests are, his favorite topics. He can tell you about this himself. In general, it has been noticed that people are most interested in what concerns them personally, how they live. People are very willing to start a conversation on a topic that interests them. And they willingly do only what they love. It has been proven that labor productivity increases by an order of magnitude if a person works not just for money from bell to bell, but loves his job and is interested in it.
Some time ago I was building a house on a garden plot and was very passionate about it. And the most interesting interlocutors for me then were people with whom I could discuss the quality of lumber or the features of construction and carpentry. Thank God my wife is a very good listener. She listened to it all meekly and we quite lively discussed the construction with her, especially since it concerned both of us.
Remember in the film “The meeting place cannot be changed”, operative Gleb Zheglov uses “Zheglov’s rules” to win over witnesses? Here they are:
« 1) When talking to people, be friendly, always smile, people love it.
2) Be attentive to the person and try to encourage him to talk about himself.
3) Find a topic that interests him. How to do this?
4) Show sincere interest in the person, delve into him, find out how he lives.
It’s certainly difficult, you’ll have to work hard.”
Of course, Gleb used these rules for his own purposes to obtain information. But by and large, these are generally the laws of good, friendly communication between people and not only spouses. I would add one more rule: “Know how to listen to your interlocutor and not interrupt him.” We have already talked about the “golden rule” more than once. You need to be able to try the situation on yourself: “would it be pleasant for me?” I think everyone wanted to be sincerely interested in him, to talk to him about topics that were interesting to him, and to listen to him carefully. Only you need to do all this not in order to use a person for your own purposes, but for the sake of love for him, for the sake of the person himself. Kant also said that a person should always be treated as an end, and not as a means.
Speaking about the commandments that are given to us in Holy Scripture, in general we can say that there are no special commandments for family people: “I behave this way with my other half, but differently with everyone else.” Everything that is said about peace with neighbors, about love, about moving towards each other can also be applied to the family. The only paradox is that this can be more difficult to do. It’s easy to love all of humanity, but it’s not easy to maintain peace and good relationships with your household, with whom you are with 24 hours a day and who do not always make you happy.
A commonality of interests in marriage does not appear immediately. People need to live together for a while before they develop common themes. For example, before I married my wife, I had little interest in music. So, he was humming something under his breath. But she, on the contrary, loves music, graduated from a music school, a music college, and directed a choir. But after a while I became interested in this topic. I took up vocals, singing, and mastered the guitar a little. All this, of course, not without the help of my wife.
A very characteristic, alarming sign of the beginning of mutual alienation is if the spouses are not interested in each other’s lives outside the home and family. That is, what happened at work, at school, just on the street. It has been said more than once that it is especially important for a man when his wife shows interest in his successes. This may not only be his job, but also his favorite thing.
Of course, over the years of marriage, people get to know each other well, and sometimes it is difficult for them to tell something new about themselves. But there are new topics everywhere. Life does not stand still, it boils and seethes. There are as many common topics as you like: work, what happened at home, a new book or movie you read - just share some thoughts with each other, together it is much easier to find a solution.
One father complained to me that his teenage son did not love him, he got out of hand, he could not understand him. Then I asked him: “Do you often talk to him, do you know what kind of music your son listens to, what games he plays, in general, how he lives?” Then this dad said: “I’m not interested in all this nonsense.” Well, then everything is clear. Will a person, even a small one, love us if we show no interest in his inner world?
Each person is a microcosm - a microcosm. Any person, regardless of gender, age, occupation and social status, there is something to learn, there is something to discover. As long as we show sincere interest in him. And if we find out how he lives, perhaps his interests will not seem so absurd to us. Or, on the contrary, we ourselves can give him something.
My grandfather Kudoyarov R.G., God rest upon him, was a professor of ophthalmology, worked with Fedorov, and was a very honored and respected man. He had one gift. He could find a common language with any person. Starting from a simple semi-literate collective farmer, whom he accidentally met on the train, ending with a venerable academician. He knew how to listen very carefully to his interlocutor, at times inserting his remarks very appropriately, and he himself was an interesting storyteller. How did he do it? He loved people. He restored the sight of many people, constantly helped someone, and had many friends. And people loved him. From every person he met he could learn something, take something away.
People whose profession is related to the human factor simply need to show love and sincere interest in the person. The famous lawyer Plevako was once asked: “How did you achieve such brilliant success in protecting your clients?” And he said, “I just love them all.” Let us remember once again: man is not a means, but an end.
The Apostle Paul (apostle of the pagans) would never have converted thousands and entire countries to the Christian faith if he had not shown interest in each individual person. But he had to communicate with both fanatical Jews and corrupt pagans. He said: “To the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might win the Jews; to those under the law he was as one under the law, in order to gain those under the law; to those who are strangers to the law, as one who is strangers to the law... to win those who are strangers to the law; He was like one who is weak to the weak, so that he might gain the weak. I became all things to everyone, so that at least some could be saved.”(9:20-22). A person, especially close to us, is worthy of our attention. And it's only our fault that we can't find him common language that we have nothing to talk to him about.
