Hello.
It’s a little embarrassing to write such things, because I’m no longer small child. But there is such a thing... Alas... My daughter became a university student this year. She studies far from home (approximately 170 km). When she comes home, it is a holiday for the family. She is a cheerful and lively girl. But on the day of her departure, the blues attack me. I come home from the station and am overcome with tears. There are no distractions: no cat, no sports, no kitchen. It's already her third week of school. And there are still 6 years ahead. Will there ever come a time when I'll get used to it without her? And how to overcome melancholy?

Answer:

Hello!

You describe experiences that are common to most parents, especially mothers, when their growing children leave the parental home. In the literature this is sometimes called "empty nest syndrome". The blues and longing for the child who has “flyed away from the nest” are usually the stronger, the more strongly the meaning of the mother’s life was attached to the child, to motherhood. If for a woman a child and caring for him were the main (and even more difficult - if the only) significant part of her life, then, having now lost this part, many women begin to feel emptiness and despondency.

Unfortunately, some women, frightened by melancholy, in such a situation try with all their might to keep the growing child near them, not to let him go into an independent separate life. And you were able to let her go away from you to study, despite the longing for her. After all, it is good and wonderful that your daughter entered a university. Yes, indeed, it can be very difficult to find yourself at a new stage of your life, when children are no longer so close and do not need maternal care so much, when the joy of their presence nearby becomes rare.

It seems that the time has come for you to find some new meanings and activities in your life, to fill this emptiness. Of course, this may not work out right away; it will take time and effort on your part. Perhaps you should think and remember those activities that once made you happy, or find completely new and somewhat unexpected ones, organize an interesting pastime for yourself, unusual (for example, take a trip, a trip to a place where you have long wanted visit). And yes, at first such activities may not distract much from missing your daughter, but gradually, over time, you will get used to her absence, because “time heals.” In such a situation, it is good not to isolate yourself in the blues, but to go to people, communicate with friends, girlfriends, and get new impressions. And most importantly, find meaning and joy in your own life. After all, the daughter may not return home in 6 years, get married, or move to another city. And your life will continue without her around. It would be nice to make your life full at the same time. And you can start now.

After 2.5 years, we moved to a house 20 minutes walk from my mother. At first everything was the same. Then she met a man (let it be Vasily) and they began to live together (they are both pensioners). Mom is happy, the man with his hands repaired the floor of the apartment for her, although in principle everything was fine with her. Well, it doesn’t matter, it’s the owner’s business. A man without his own home (his previous common-law wife died and he had nothing left).

We all communicated normally, Vasily and my husband fished together, all sorts of home gatherings and so on. Then my mother began to move away, rarely come, somewhere I asked her to help look after the child, she refused. I didn’t understand, my son was bored, asked to visit his grandmother, but she refused. Well, not always, but I really don’t want to.

A couple of months after the appearance of the second one, the moment came when I simply began to stitch myself up. There were many reasons for this - the eldest began to bring infection from kindergarten and the children began to get sick together, the husband was at work. Moreover, the youngest was born with allergies, with all the consequences - he was terribly worried about the rash, constipation, tests, doctors, diet... Naturally, I asked my mother to come and one day I had to take the little one’s tests, and the eldest had a fever, I asked my mother to sit, and she told me that she needed to go buy new tires with Vasily. Definitely today. In August. Definitely together. I even wrote a post then...

And this girls became some kind of turning point. I wrote a post and I remember one piece of advice: imagine that your mother lives in another city. You love her, you communicate, but she cannot come. Don't ask.

Since then I haven't asked for it. We're on the phone almost every day, but that's not the same. About 2 or 3 times a month she ran in with a statement from the door, “We’re in for 5 minutes” or “We’re in for half an hour.” That's all. She stopped taking the older child in with her, although he asked to come at every meeting. During the year he visited her 2 times, once he simply begged “grandmother, please, I won’t interfere at all, just take it” to my own grandmother... My mother. It happened that several times this year I asked her to pick up my son from kindergarten, there was simply no one else at all (the kindergarten is far from us).

So a year passed. Two months ago I received a message from a girl friend with whom we grew up in the same yard saying: “Len, are you selling the apartment?” I said, no. She says our house number, my floor. There is an advertisement on the website, I go in and oh.re.not. I just want to say swear words. My mother put up for sale the apartment in which we grew up, in which she lived for almost 30 years (if anything, my mother will be 60 in the new year). To say how I was shaking would be an understatement. At that moment, my husband just fell down with a herniated spine, he lay at home for two months, he could only go to the toilet when he could crawl. I’m like a squirrel rushing between my children and my sick husband, and I’m still learning this. I'm in a.h.u.e.

Conversation with mom. Yes. Selling. I’m leaving for another city, Vasily’s homeland, 500 km from here. She has no relatives or friends there. Just him, his sister and nephew and some daughter whom he had never raised. That's how it is?????? Everyone is in shock, I’m in shock, I tell mom, at least tell your son (my brother)... In short, if I hadn’t found out from strangers, she would probably have only told us with a suitcase in her hands.

A buyer was found quickly. There she also bought a two-room apartment and arranged a 50/50 deal with Vasily, and the purchase was made while married (they signed quickly on the day of departure). She didn’t even tell her brother that she got married.

Here's the story. I’m a little used to it now, I’ve calmed down, I’ve chewed on it. It’s sad, I feel like an orphan. There are almost no relatives, brother, but we rarely communicate with him politely and strainedly for many reasons. Mother-in-law and father-in-law, pensioners with a wagonload of illnesses. And my mother chose just such a moment, when her husband was in trouble, he was in the hospital for a month, a second operation on the spine, he was facing disability at 33 years old and losing his job. I miss her help and support so much and worry about her. I told her, Mom, God forbid, what’s wrong with you, who will look after you, who needs you there? I won’t run 500 km away... I waved it off.

These days, graduates are excitedly awaiting the latest Unified State Exam results, and for many, we have no doubt, they will be high enough to think: should we take a shot at the capital’s university? On the one hand, the ambitions of young people can only be welcomed, but on the other hand, how much excitement for parents! How? Send your child to a strange, unfamiliar city? One? Without mom?

To help the sibling mothers of applicants cope with anxiety, we learned the stories of four forum members who had already passed this path, among whom was the author of these lines.

To be honest, I was afraid, but at the same time I hoped that among the answers there would be negative examples- just for contrast. The child was homesick, moped, abandoned his studies, and after the first session he hurried to return under his mother’s wing... But no, all four Siberians are happily studying in Moscow and St. Petersburg!

How did you decide?

Novosibirsk is not the village of Gadyukino; thank God, we have enough of our own universities. But still, let’s not deny it, metropolitan life is brighter, richer, more dynamic, and very attractive to young people.

(daughter, 2nd year student at St. Petersburg State University, Faculty of Applied Mathematics and Control Processes)

On the Unified State Exam, my daughter scored about 290 points - Russian 100, mathematics and computer science more than 90, and applied to the faculty information technology at NSU. And then I went with my friend to St. Petersburg, just like that, to see a city where I had never been before. Already from St. Petersburg she said that she had applied to three universities, and if she passed, she would go there to study. She reasoned that if there is an opportunity to enter a good university outside the province, then the chance should not be missed.

It is much easier to send your child to study in another city if you have relatives, friends, and acquaintances there whom your child can turn to for help if necessary. So remember the phone numbers of your second cousins ​​and look for the addresses of your student friends - any connections (even if the child does not use them) will come in handy now!

(son, 1st year student at Moscow State University, Faculty of Biology)

FEN NGU is very strong. But in Moscow the university is, of course, stronger and more prestigious. I went because I had such a chance - he is a prize-winner of the All-Russian Olympiad, and could choose any university in the country without competition. He is a really strong biologist, and it makes sense for him to complicate the task as much as possible in order to use his brain; Finally, I have relatives in Moscow, and it was this faculty that my grandparents graduated from before the war.

(my daughter graduated from the Faculty of History of Moscow State University in 2014)

My daughter wanted to go to university in St. Petersburg, but there wasn’t enough there Unified State Exam results- it was necessary to go and take entrance exams. Our chances were good, but... there was Moscow State University, where it was enough to just send documents, and besides, we have many relatives in Moscow. So they persuaded the child and sent the documents to Moscow. She did not participate in any olympiads (this was our omission; in 2009 we did not even know that in addition to the All-Russian Olympiad for schoolchildren there were many more competitions that provided benefits for admission), so we did not have much hope and submitted documents to NSU, where My daughter was accepted immediately. When we accidentally discovered her name in the “second wave” of applicants to Moscow State University, at first we couldn’t believe our eyes and were very confused! I had to quickly remove documents from the Novosibirsk admissions committee, buy plane tickets - in a word, fortunately, there was simply no time to think about anything.

But, whatever your reasons, listen to the child’s wishes, and he probably has them...

(son, 1st year student at the Higher School of Economics (HSE, Moscow))

In Novosibirsk, of course, there is NSU. The choice was made by the applicant himself, and I supported him in this; probably because she regretted her own unrealized and missed opportunities. But in order to get a score worthy of Moscow universities, it was worth paying more attention to the Olympiads in the senior year. I had fears that my son would not pass the HSE with his scores (in fact, he did not pass the first wave; at the same time, admission to NSU closed in one wave, without his original). And I advised him, almost forced him, to go to St. Petersburg on the last day to submit the original to the university, where in one direction two people separated him from the border of the green wave. Most of all at that time I feared that he would be left without an education completely! While he was traveling to St. Petersburg, HSE accepted students with lower scores than him. So, in the end, my intervention led to the loss of a year - my son stopped studying at St. Petersburg State University. There were small problems that he allowed to develop into big ones, and he was expelled. The following year I finally entered HSE.

There will be life!

After the decision has been made and the child is on board the plane, any mother immediately begins to be tormented by doubts: what about him without his mother? What will he eat? What to wear? Will the dorm room become unbearable... hmm... a mess that my mother periodically cleared up at home?

Calm! Teenagers cope with everyday problems much easier than you probably think. Perhaps in the first month your child will call you every evening to find out how much cereal you need to take to cook porridge and how to remove the orange juice stain from your shirt. But, in all honesty, knowledge is not such a wisdom household so that a teenager who has mastered differentials and gerunds will not master it at a minimum level in a month.

In everyday life, the son, on the one hand, is not particularly skillful and adaptable, on the other hand, he is completely unpretentious. A modest amount from us is enough for him (for now he has no time to work at all), he can do laundry, cook pasta and buy himself shoes.

There were also concerns about everyday difficulties; I couldn’t teach everything in advance, but he coped quite well. At first, I was simply afraid of everything, although my son was already quite ready for an independent life, but, of course, I still had doubts that this was so. She especially went crazy when he didn’t answer calls all day (and he broke his cell phone, as it turned out later).

I still really can’t check what exactly he eats, so in the end I relied on him common sense. I was convinced via Skype that he still cooked himself, at least sometimes, and at first I constantly asked him what he ate.

After entering the HSE, there were no longer any concerns, since the HSE dormitories take first place in the ranking of the best student dormitories in Russia and the conditions for a normal life for students were created.

By the way, prepare for this in advance - most likely, the child will live in a dormitory. Renting an apartment in the two capitals is quite expensive, although you may prefer this option. But the hostel also has its advantages!

A freshman is always “in front of our eyes” - whether he is sick or lost, fellow students will immediately notice something is wrong and sound the alarm. In addition, in large universities, the life of freshmen in the dormitory is supervised by one of the teachers.

The dormitories are guarded and, believe me, they are now guarded quite strictly. A freshman has the least chance of becoming a victim of a crime there; even minor thefts are very rare.

The dormitories are already equipped with the minimum of what a student needs to live: there will be a kitchen, most likely a buffet, a laundry room, and in the room there will be a chair, a table, a wardrobe and a bed with bed linen. Although... it depends on your luck!

My daughter had experience of independent travel - from the age of 10-11 she went to competitions, to a sports camp, to rafting trips, and this is not a very comfortable life without mom and dad nearby. But there were also concerns - life in a hostel is still somewhat different than traveling with a coach for two weeks. I told her - take a pillow, I didn’t listen, then I regretted it, of course, I had to buy a new one. Financially it’s difficult, but somehow everything works out, he learns to save, budget, calculate finances, cook, do laundry, and so on.

The dormitories at Moscow State University, contrary to my expectations, turned out to be even more modest than at NSU, where I studied. A room for three is barely nine square meters, for two - six! To wash heavy things, for example, jeans, I had to go to my relatives; there was nowhere to dry them in the hostel (however, everyone enjoyed the visits). There is minimal furniture, but a lot would not fit into such a room; the renovation is very modest. Electric heating devices are prohibited in the rooms, and this, it seems to me, is a plus - there is less risk of fire, but we still smuggled a multicooker into our daughter’s house. However, there was no particular need for this; What has really improved over the years since our studies is the student canteens: simple, inexpensive, high-quality and healthy food. In addition, in Moscow there are supermarkets at every turn, where a student can always buy yogurt and fruit without bothering herself with culinary delights. And food prices in Moscow are no higher than in Novosibirsk.

What if someone offends him...

Another problem that worries mothers is whether the child will find common language with fellow students? Will he make new friends? Don't worry, everything will work out!

17-18 years old is the ideal age to make new friendships. The period of teenage aggression and the “pack instinct” is already behind us; young people by this point are already tolerant enough to react friendly to most of the characteristics of their peers. At the same time, at this age, teenagers are still maximally open to everything new: acquaintances, contacts, communication. Finding himself in a situation where everyone around him is just as new as himself, a freshman easily and naturally fits into the student environment, instantly acquiring friendly connections. Of course, relationships with someone may not work out, but, fortunately, usually no problems arise with changing rooms in a dorm, and conflicts do not go beyond that.

Living in a dorm after our family (and 10 years in the same room with younger brother) - no problems in terms of getting along with neighbors!

My daughter is quite reserved, and even in her first year she was unlucky - she shared a room with twin sisters, who, naturally, acted as one team. She couldn't find them common interests, so she quickly began to annoy her neighbors. In a nine-meter room, this, in general, is not surprising... I didn’t expect that my daughter, who was only 16 then, would be able to react so calmly and sensibly to conflict situations, not worry, not dramatize, compromise... In recent years in the hostel she has already been the soul I lived in my heart with my fellow student friend and there were no psychological problems!

In the dorm, my daughter was lucky with her neighbors - they didn’t live there, they were just registered, and she lived alone for more than six months. Then they moved a girl in with her, they live together in a room for three.

Of course, the child's character cannot be ignored: a reserved homebody may be better off spending a few extra years close to his family. So if a child is determined to study in Novosibirsk, there is no need to insist on a university in another city. Think, maybe this is your dream, not his? On the other hand, such a shake-up will be a reason for a closed and insecure teenager to open up, grow up, learn to make friends (and also fall in love and build personal relationships). Not bad, right?

Will the child learn without supervision?

Of course, we don’t check an 11th grader’s notebooks every week, but there are school teachers who do just that. In a situation where they will be seriously interested in your successes only after six months, many first-year students relax, especially if they studied at a strong school where they have already completed part of the university course... But in vain! Try to set your child up to work conscientiously from the first day, without putting it off “for later.” However, the first session usually puts your head in place!

It came as a complete surprise to me when my son missed the exam (the reason was valid - illness), then did not prepare for the retake and missed it, and did nothing to agree with the teacher on the timing of the new retake. So I stopped being a student at St. Petersburg State University... But here the illness was only an excuse in the absence of motivation to continue studying in St. Petersburg (I entered where there was an opportunity, and was disappointed, and did not procrastinate, and realized that it was “not really for me”).

Of course, I am afraid that he will “fly out”, but he would not need to join the army due to his frail health; that he will give up his studies altogether and become addicted, for example, to computer games. But! By the time he was 18, I couldn’t really influence the situation at home either - even here he might not study, play and disappear in the evenings. So even, oddly enough, it’s easier - not in front of my eyes, I don’t worry about trifles. So far he has passed the test with straight A's, everything seems to be fine.

The very first semester gave us an unpleasant surprise where we did not expect it at all - physical education! Yes, yes, the skis were the first pair and the night owl daughter was too lazy to get up in the morning and go to the stadium... I had to teach her how to cheat, draw the attention of doctors to a chronic disease, which, in all honesty, did not interfere with skiing at all. Then the missed classes had to be made up... Fortunately, the history department looked at the unsportsmanlike freshmen, if not with a blind eye, then, in any case, quite leniently. And such incidents never happened again.

How will I deal with this?

Let's not hide it, separation will be harder for you than for your child. But think about what opportunities studying at a university in the capital will open up for him! How many interesting things he will see, how many friends he will make, how much he will travel (you can even get from Moscow and St. Petersburg to Europe by bus!), and finally, how many useful contacts he will make for his future career!

It was difficult for me (until gray hair, literally). Almost until the announcement of the results of the Unified State Exam, my son did not advertise his readiness to enter the capital’s university; they discussed more his classmates who were planning to leave; I did not seriously think about this possibility, I was not mentally prepared. I did not expect that at university my son would place the main emphasis on his studies, and not on vigorous social activities, as has happened and is still happening.

I miss you very much, yes! And we all miss you. My daughter didn’t go in a similar situation at one time - and she doesn’t regret it, she liked NSU, and had fewer worries, living at home, and her social circle was preserved. But for a boy, his career is probably more important. In both cases, we agreed with the children's own decisions.

The faculties of St. Petersburg State University are not located in one place, it is the center, Vasilyevsky Island, and Peterhof, where my daughter lives. Travels to the city as needed. Students in St. Petersburg have the opportunity to visit the Hermitage for free, the Russian Museum for a minimal cost, and other museums too.

I don’t know if Anya hadn’t gone to St. Petersburg, whether I would have visited there at all or not, but I’ve been there four times over the past year and a half!

And what? What's not an advantage of student life in the capital?

Prepared by Irina Ilyina