The problem of teenage manipulation. What to do if a child manipulates his parents How to understand that a teenager is manipulating you

It is very unpleasant when a child manipulates adults. Children are very good at manipulating adults through various methods of their own, but this is fundamentally wrong, because in the end, who should raise whom?! Children of parents or parents of children? So let's figure out what manipulation is. And what to do when a child manipulates his parents.

Children manipulate adults

What is manipulation anyway? Manipulation in children is the influence on parents or adults using covert, indirect methods. Children are very cunning in their actions, and have no doubt, they are insidious and are capable of achieving their goal by any means :) If parents are “led” to such manifestations of character, then this develops in the child, no matter a boy or a girl, such character traits as:

• Cunning
• meanness
• Hypocrisy

Not at all pleasant character traits, are they? It seems that no parent wants to see a scoundrel in their child. Let's figure out where children's manipulations come from and what to do if a child manipulates. We'll figure it out at the same time.

Where does children's manipulation come from and how do children manipulate their parents?

Most often, children who do not receive enough care and affection from adults are prone to manipulation by their parents. Thus, through manipulation, the child tries to attract attention to himself and it doesn’t matter in what ways. The child manipulates by crying or telling him that something hurts. In short, by hook or by crook, the child will seek attention from adults. Moreover, if the trick worked, the child will consciously or unconsciously repeat again and again the actions that led to the achievement of the desired attention from the parents.

To the point that the child will get sick again and again, or hurt his forehead. All this happens unconsciously in a childish way, but for the future it leaves a very significant imprint on the psyche of an adult. In addition, manipulation so transforms the child’s psyche that it leads to sudden outbursts of aggression and hatred if the trick suddenly fails. That is, the problem of parents manipulating a child must be solved as soon as possible.

What to do if a child manipulates?

First, let's figure it out: how to recognize manipulation? If you observe that a child in a certain situation behaves systematically in the same way, right down to movements and facial expressions, then this is manipulation. Moreover, if all the “symptoms” go away immediately after achieving the desired goal. And now the hardest part: in order to get rid of such an unpleasant illness, you need to completely kill the feeling of pity for the baby in yourself. Nobody talks about cruelty and indifference! No! Replace pity with love. Tell your child kind words, show affection, prove to the child that he is worth something and respected in his family. . Feeling such love and attention for yourself over a long period, day after day, manipulations on the part of the child in relation to adults will become obsolete and become useless. Below, point by point, we will specifically figure out how to counteract manipulation on the part of the child.

How to behave when a child manipulates his parents?

• How to deal with hysterics.
  Hysteria is the most common way for children to achieve what they want, but if you talk to the child calmly, I will show some indifference. The main thing is to control yourself, because this is exactly what the child is trying to achieve: to piss you off. and throws a tantrum, you can even move away from the child for a while so that you can get your nerves in order without him crying, and then try to talk. Most likely, during your absence the child will calm down on his own.
• Aggression.
  When a child shows aggression or irritability, the purpose of such a performance is to show parents a performance in which, after the curtain, you will have to indulge all his cherished desires. Exit? Deprive your child of spectators, that is, of yourself. In other words, let the child understand that his “performance” does not interest you in any way; seeing that the scene did not work out, the child himself will abandon the idea of ​​​​manipulating in this way.
• Slowness.
  Being a “kapushka” is a way to manipulate parents. The purpose of such manipulation is to make it clear to adults that they would do the same work or specific action faster than they will wait for the child. The logic here is simple: set a clear time frame for the child. For example, say that if he doesn’t have time to do something, he will be left without a walk. By the way, as an option, a child can, for example, take a long time to get dressed, hoping that his parents will leave him alone and not take him to kindergarten. Let your child understand that he will still have to go, even if it is late. It is very important to counteract procrastination by showing your child that you will strictly keep your promises. That is, if you said, for example, that the child will be left without breakfast if he doesn’t have time to do something, then actually do it.
• Injury.
  Of course, this method of manipulation is the most unpleasant for a child, but he is ready even for this in order to get the attention of adults. The baby may deliberately or subconsciously hurt himself in order to evoke the compassion and attention of his parents. Behave immediately with restraint, making it clear to the child that nothing irreparable or terrible has happened. Stay positive, praise the child for pulling himself together so quickly if he fell, immediately say kindly “Come on, get up,” praise the child for his courage. This will speak favorably on the child in the future.

I would like to say something special about when a child is ready for any manipulation just to get to the computer. And the result of manipulation on the part of the child can be a conflict between parents, when the behavior of a son or daughter is perceived completely differently, even to the point of a quarrel. Therefore, you can read about that, or your husband. Forewarned is forearmed!

To summarize, I would like to note that manipulation of children by parents causes harm primarily to children, rooting negative attitudes in the child’s psyche. We hope our article helped you understand what to do if a child manipulates his mother. Therefore, I would like to say again that During the child’s difficult period, maintain a positive attitude, making it clear that everything depends on the child, that he is the maker of his own destiny and has the responsibility and power to solve any problems. As a rule, the most difficult period for a baby and child is one that deserves special attention.

This ability is formed between the ages of 1.5 and 3 years. Babies perfectly feel the emotional state of their parents, especially their mother, because the baby has a long-standing relationship with her - from birth and even 9 months before it. It is on mother that babies usually begin to hone their manipulator skills. Dads are less affected.

Babies under one year old quickly recognize their parents’ “weak points” and successfully take advantage of them.

Why do children do this?

They do not yet know how to cooperate as equals. In this case, manipulation replaces partnerships with adults.

They want to have a “magic wand” - a way that always works and will help them achieve everything they want. They want to be more mature and significant.

What methods do children use?

1. Hysterics.
2. Feigned helplessness - “Mom will do everything herself, because she will certainly feel sorry for me.”
3. Feigned belligerence.
4. Disease or its simulation.
5. Flattery.

Consequences.

If manipulations are not stopped in childhood, if you indulge them, if you go along with them, the child may grow up with incorrect, “unhealthy” attitudes for the future.

Manipulation will become so firmly ingrained in a person’s character that it is difficult to predict what lengths he will be willing to go to get what he wants, for example, at 30 or 40 years old.

A child manipulates his parents (7 years old) What to do?

The number of victims of the manipulator will grow with him.

If a manipulator has been able to force people to “dance to his tune” since childhood, and one day the well-functioning mechanism of influence suddenly malfunctions, this can turn into a real disaster for the manipulator himself - a collapse of life values, severe depression and even psychopathy. And this is a complex and unpleasant diagnosis.

How to stop?

We need to forget about pity! Let's learn to distinguish between pity and mercy.

1. Encourage direct expression of your desires. If you cannot give what the child asks, directly and firmly say “no” and justify why the child’s request cannot be fulfilled now.
2. In the process of freeing yourself from the actions of the manipulator, do not allow the child’s personality and character to be crippled. He is who he is. And it will not be possible to fundamentally change it.
3. Try not to be manipulators yourself. Instead of: “If you do the cleaning, I’ll buy ice cream,” you can say: “Let’s do the cleaning, and then we’ll eat ice cream together?”
4. Don't compare children in the family. “Look, he behaves well, and why are you like this?”

Let the child always feel that he is loved.

1. Do not start a situation with manipulation, stop it as quickly as possible.
2. Do not use physical punishment against the manipulator. This will not give the desired result, and will ruin the relationship completely.
3. In the fight against manipulation there will be a lot of quarrels. The main rule that you must learn yourself and instill in your child is that you should always make peace before bed!
4. Teach your baby to respect parental needs - mom is also a person, she can get tired and need silence. And therefore joint modeling is postponed to a later time.
5. It is extremely difficult for parents to cope with feelings of guilt.

   Remember that children can also manipulate guilt.

6. It is important for parents to stop being manipulators themselves, at least on the family front. The most common marital tools to achieve something are silence, sudden departure to “live with a friend or mother,” and binge drinking. Sound familiar? Then it's time to learn to trust and express your desires openly.

Often people turn to psychologists who are worried about the problem of relationships with elderly parents, who reduce any disagreements to intimidation by the deterioration of their health or even death: “When I die, then you can do what you want!”

What is this? Is it asking for help, trying to gain respect from your child, or showing control and power? Often, such a phrase may hide not a real health problem, but manipulation of one’s already adult child in order to create a sense of responsibility and guilt. But being in a family relationship, it is very difficult to independently determine the boundary that separates the actual deterioration of well-being in an elderly parent and the deliberate influence on an adult child by imposing on him a permanent “guilty” status.

Let's consider an example from the practice of a psychologist:

Anna turned to a specialist for help. She is married and has two children, but calls her relationship with her elderly mother difficult: “I don’t know how to express my opinion, my interests, and at the same time not make my mother feel worse. It seems to me that I am not depriving her of attention. We often call each other and the whole family comes to visit her and my father. But she still gets offended on those rare days when I can’t call her, although she knows why I’m busy and that this is important for my work. I hear more and more often from her that she feels bad and that she will soon die, and I will be to blame for this. These words hurt me. I feel like a bad daughter, although I try to help her. This situation takes a lot of energy out of me.”

Later, during the consultation, it turned out that since childhood, Anna had developed a strong dependence on her mother’s opinion, on her reactions and mood. Situations when a mother resorted to manipulation of poor health were not uncommon; they began suddenly and ended just as quickly when she achieved what she wanted from her daughter. Anna has not lived with her parents for a long time and has her own family, but the problem of dependent relationships has not been resolved and continues to bother her, as well as an obsessive feeling of guilt towards her elderly mother.

Anna is not alone in her problem. In practice, many people find themselves in a similar situation.

There can be many reasons why an elderly parent resorts to manipulating death: this may include a low level of satisfaction with their own life, a desire to control an older child when there is no real reason for this, disagreement with the fact that the child lives his own independent life and much more.

Let's look at who is most susceptible to becoming dependent on close blood ties:

· First of all, these are people who have a strong need for approval, growing up in conditions in which it is necessary to “win” parental love with their good behavior. Dependency on approval can be closely related to low self-esteem of the individual, which results in the need to confirm one’s worth through “good” deeds and actions. Thus, a parent who raises his child in a similar way forms in him a strong desire to meet parental demands. In old age, this can manifest itself in the demand for unreasonable and excessive care and attention to oneself. If parental requests are not fulfilled, a child raised in these conditions will have a predominant feeling of guilt, and will be tormented by thoughts: “I am a bad daughter/bad son,” even if there is no real reason for this.

· Also, adults who were brought up in authoritarian conditions, where attempts to express themselves, express their opinions, and/or in conditions of overprotection were suppressed, may find themselves in such a situation. Often such people are deprived of independence and, even having their own family, they tend to perceive their parents’ opinion as the only true one and are ready to live according to their instructions. Refusal to take responsibility for one's life gives rise to dependent relationships with parents, who perform this function for their adult child and thereby claim to manage his time and life.

· Another category of people susceptible to manipulation by elderly parents are people with a victim complex. Manifestations of sacrifice may overlap with the first two points: this is both the failure to take responsibility for one’s life and the desire to win love. A person with a victim complex thinks negatively, does not know how to say “no,” and acts to his own detriment. You can hear from him: “Why do I need all this?” But by saying this, he takes on more and more responsibilities, even when he is not asked to do so. He literally attracts negative situations to himself and lives for the sake of everyone, but not for himself, that is, he “gives himself as a sacrifice to other people.” That is why additional obligations are piled on him, and he becomes the target of other people's requests, including the excessive and unreasonable whims of elderly parents.

Continuation of the example

While working with a psychologist, Anna learned what situations from childhood provoked what she has now, namely, a feeling of guilt towards her elderly mother, in conditions where Anna does a lot to support her and devotes a lot of time to communicating with her mother. amount of time. Having identified the reasons for this behavior, Anna determined which attitudes prevent her from saying “no” when her mother’s whims are excessive.

An important point of the work was to determine her true desires. It turned out that Anna has long dreamed of living outside the city, but is subconsciously afraid that her mother will not approve of her decision. After analyzing all the pros and cons, she realized that she could do this act without causing damage to her work and relationship with her mother, since she would be in good transport access to the city.

After working with a psychologist, she admitted that many of her fears were in vain and, having understood her true desires, she began to feel lighter, and also stopped trying on the role of a “guilty daughter.” The mother initially accepted the changes in her daughter’s behavior with hostility, but Anna does not intend to return to the previous model of relationships and believes that the mother needs time to accept the new rules, because it took many years to form the previous attitudes. Her husband also supported her dream of moving, and the whole family is actively discussing how and when they can make this a reality.

How can psychotherapy help you?

It is important to understand that in order to solve this problem it is necessary to correctly determine its origins, which, as a rule, are formed over the years, come from childhood and stretch in a trail throughout adult life. The help of a psychologist is necessary if you want:

• Free yourself from the dependence of too close blood ties;
• Distinguish in which cases a request for help is real, and in which it is a tool to manipulate you;
• Learn to build relationships with elderly parents in which you can show due respect for them and at the same time not lose yourself;
• Identify negative childhood attitudes and “throw them off your shoulders” in order to move on with life with ease;
• Determine your true desires and needs and learn to live in accordance with them.

The advantage of working with a psychologist is that, being in a family relationship, we see the situation distorted and it is difficult for us to independently determine the moment of manipulation on the part of elderly parents. While a psychologist will help you understand whether this is really so and find a way out of the situation, avoiding undesirable consequences and teaching you to act differently, which will help you build harmonious relationships with elderly parents and at the same time not forget about your own goals and desires.

Find out more about the Center's services and make an appointment You can call (812) 640-38-55 or by filling out the form below.

How parents manipulate adult children

Manipulation is influencing a person through distortion of information, acting out feelings in order to force him to do something, which often contradicts the goals and needs of the person being influenced.

Most often, the following manipulations are good in relationships between parents and adult children:

Blackmail - “if you don’t do it, don’t come back on time, don’t break up with this girl - I’ll have a heart attack, my blood pressure will jump.” And he jumps, and attacks happen...

Resentment - “no one understands how bad I feel, how all these words hurt me, I’m very lonely” “I’ve done so much for you, and you!...”

Guilt - “I gave birth to you, such difficult birth were, you were sick often - because of you I didn’t go to work, I didn’t get married because of you, I put my whole life on you... - and you!..” the following is a list of what you don’t do for your mother. Or your dad. The offended person withdraws, remains silent, and only sometimes looks at you with silent reproach. Or he doesn’t look in your direction at all, which is also hard for children to bear. Even if these are adult children. Feelings of guilt are the surest way to force an adult child to do what his parent needs.

Rejection "Children are not good enough." No matter what you do, it will always be bad, but someone will do well, a neighbor, a brother, a nephew. Constant criticism of children and their desire to earn the love of their parents forces the latter to do everything or very much of what the parents want.

In families where it was not possible to build relationships through direct communications (I don’t want to - do it, please), negotiate, make compromises, manipulation flourishes.

Is the child manipulative? What to do?

Everyone understands how they work, but there are not enough internal resources and honesty with oneself to give up at least half of them.

Adult children who are manipulated by their parents sometimes feel very sorry for their “old people.” They remember how much effort and time these people invested in raising them, educating them, sacrificing their interests in some way. Often this realization comes when their own children are born, so they are ready to succumb to the manipulative behavior of their elderly parents. It happens that adult children think that their parents are simply perfect, they did everything to make the child happy, which is why he has no right to his own life.

Adult children who are manipulated by their parents are usually emotional, sensitive, insecure, do not feel their worth, depend on the opinions of their parents, especially on the approval of their parents, constantly blame themselves for everything, avoid conflicts and confrontation. Often they unconsciously play the role of “victim”. However, such adult children experience a certain omnipotence that allows them to believe that without them everything will collapse, their parents will get sick, die, or at least become very unhappy, and everything is their fault.

The difficult thing in such relationships is to interrupt the usual way of interaction. They accused me, they were offended - I felt guilty, they blackmailed me - I got scared. Believe that parents can do and survive a lot, they can do it themselves or call other people for help at the moment. We are, of course, talking about those parents who still take care of themselves and are of sober mind and good memory. The most difficult thing is to maintain the relationship and not break it off due to the anger that has accumulated over many years. But it’s even more difficult to give yourself the right to live your life, the right to refuse when you are blackmailed, manipulated, not to abandon yourself when your parents reject you because an adult child stops playing the games of their elderly parents.

Situation: How to stop a child from manipulating adults

What to do if a child manipulates his parents

Sometimes children cry, kick their feet and throw toys not because they feel bad or upset, but simply to get their way.

Such hysteria is demonstrative and very bright emotions. The little manipulator needs spectators and he certainly cries if there is someone nearby. If there are several people nearby, this only intensifies the hysteria. So child manipulates parents.

Manipulative tantrums are not common to all children, but only to those who like to be in the center and attract the attention of others. Such children may only become upset because adults talk to each other and not to him. Often they start asking something, distracting adults from conversations, and if this does not help, they take actions that their parents will definitely not like. In extreme cases, they throw tantrums.

The Problem of Teenage Manipulation

This allows them to always remain the center of attention.

Since demonstrative hysteria is expressed very violently, parents have a natural desire to stop it as soon as possible. In this case, many make concessions in order not to hear children crying. As the saying goes, “Whatever a child enjoys, as long as it doesn’t cry.”

But think about what a child will learn, whose parents followed his lead for the sake of momentarily calming the baby? He will learn to use hysterics to get his way in the future! Only in the future his methods will be more sophisticated, and they will be much more difficult to manage. At 3 years old he stomps his feet, at 7 years old he refuses to do his homework, and at 15 he may be skipping classes or running away from home. And all this is just one emotional reaction, fixed in childhood!

Such hysteria is difficult, but it can be dealt with!

What to do if a child manipulates his parents:

1. Pull yourself together and take a short break to collect yourself internally.
2. Ask all “spectators” to leave the room, and if this is not possible, take the child to a quiet place where no one is around.
3. Decide for yourself whether you want (can) allow your child what he asks for.
4. If not, then strictly, but always in an even and confident voice, tell the child your demand.
5. Be prepared for the fact that you will have to “listen” to the baby’s cry for some time.
6. Under no circumstances deviate from your request; repeat it if necessary.
7. When the child calms down, hug him and be sure to tell him how much you love him.

If tantrums recur, you need to repeat the entire cycle described above. Children learn quickly. As soon as the child understands that hysterics no longer work, he will stop crying and rebelling, because... children never commit meaningless actions (we cannot always see this meaning).

After five minutes of talking with this woman, I realized: her problem is not that she is a failed parent, but that she is an irresponsible parent. She was unable to realize in time the need for a “divorce” from her child, which no mother has yet been able to avoid. The inevitability of such a “divorce” is usually not recognized by parents and gives rise to the greatest number of problems in relationships with teenagers.

After an hour-long conversation, the excited mother decided not to follow the neighbors’ advice to “be stricter,” but, on the contrary, to praise her son for his growing independence, that is, to allow him to become an adult without scandals and tears. Do not hold onto it in childhood, but find new interests for yourself to fill the void that arises.

It turned out that her fifteen-year-old son is not much different from his peers. A way to protest? Yes, he was a bright individual. But all teenagers, without exception, feel the need to rebel. This can be expressed in unusual outfits, hairstyles, slang... You never know what! Young people are so creative. It’s sad, but parents also come under fire. Agreeing with them is considered prejudice. A normal teenager spends most of his time outside the home, in the company of peers. And as soon as parents blame him for this or express dissatisfaction with friends, contact will be interrupted for a long time.

This situation is as old as time. But not for parents who experience it, as they say, in their own skin. It just throws them into a panic: “Where did we go wrong?” "Why did this happen to us?" "What should we do now?"

The best advice to such parents is to do nothing. The departure of a teenager “to his own” is just a natural phase of his development, a growing pain. This will pass if you don’t interfere and don’t show violence. Love them and let them grow.

In fact, this story is described in the parable of the prodigal son, who was healed thanks to the patience of his father who was waiting for him. The prodigal son will definitely return, unless, of course, the concerned parent panics and thereby delays the process of his development. For me, the parable of the prodigal son is a parable about a patient parent who helped his youngest son to succeed, to become a man. Do not forget that there was also an older brother who never defended his independence, and remained an immature, dependent child.

We must be able to wait out the teenage stage of development of our children. It's not easy, and impatient parents, as soon as their children reach a critical age, begin to cry about "teenage tragedy." In this regard, I thought it necessary to compile a list of the most common ways in which these two opposing camps actually loving friend friend of people habitually try to manipulate each other. What I present next illustrates the everyday conflict between parents and teenagers.

How teenagers manipulate their parents

Tears. When they want something, they whine and whine.

Threats. "I'll probably drop out of school." “I’ll take it and get married.” "I could get into trouble."

Speculation."If you loved me, would you..."

Comparison. "Nobody has these short hair". "And Bill's dad just bought a Mustang." "Everyone has Angora sweaters." "Others aren't forced to wash their hands every five minutes." "Everyone goes there."

Blackmail. "I'll probably get sick." “You know, I can always talk too much when I have guests.” "I'll tell dad that you're hiding this bill from him."

Turning one parent against the other. “Mom doesn’t let me go to the movies, how can that be, dad?” “Ask dad to give me a car, otherwise he refuses me, can you imagine?”

Lie. "We're going to the library" (but nothing is said about the party five minutes after visiting the library). "I have nothing to do with it." "I didn't take it."

Blues. The teenager's depressed state forces his mother to do anything to lift his spirits.

How parents manipulate teenagers

The promise of candy. "Clean up the yard and I'll give you a credit card." “Take out the trash and I’ll give you some pocket money.” "I have two football tickets. Be smart and we'll see what to do with them."

Threats. “If you don’t give Aunt Agnes a lift, you’ll have to walk yourself.” “I think I should go to school and ask about your progress.”

Comparisons. "John isn't allowed as much as you." "Bill is a better student than you." "I like Tom, he's so polite..."

Insincere promises. "You'll go to Disneyland someday." "I'll talk to someone about joining the flying club." "I'll try to make sure you have a sweater like this."

Blackmail. “When my father comes home from work, I’ll tell him everything.” "Your teacher won't be very happy if he finds out how little time you spend on homework."

Disease as a means of control. "If you don't stop right now, I'm going to have a heart attack!" “Don’t make so much noise, or I’ll get a migraine.”

Using love. "You wouldn't do this if you loved me even a little bit."

Comparing these two lists suggests that teenagers and parents invariably play the same game. Parents, being officially responsible persons, play the role of “trampling”, and teenagers act as “trampled”, being ready to manipulate by any available means. A grueling manipulative struggle ensues between them. Further, as teenagers try to escape the boundaries adults place them in, parents feel they must resort to power games. And in such games, the first rule is that all this is very serious and real. The teenager also feels that the game has gone big and is determined to “win.”

To better understand what is happening, it is important to consider that adolescents view power struggles with parents as a competition in which the rule applies: “I win - you lose.” There is no third option. For them, parents are rivals or enemies who must be overcome at all costs. Therefore, almost any interaction between generations turns into a fight. You can give any number of examples of this.

Sally is getting ready to go to school wearing only her jacket, and it's quite chilly outside this morning. “Put on your coat,” says the mother. “This jacket is too light.” The girl replies: “I won’t wear a coat.” To which the mother already raises her voice: “I am your mother, and you will do what I say. Put on your coat immediately!” Sally flatly refuses, and the rivals converge in battle.

If the mother wins, the girl will feel humiliated and gloomily go to class, cursing all the adults and making plans to punish the family, and at the same time the school. Perhaps she will put on a coat, but after three houses she will take it off. If a girl wins, the mother is left in a bad mood. She may start nagging the father, who doesn’t care about his daughter’s behavior... In short, she’s probably going to have a bad day.

As we see, the parent in in this case is also guided by the rule “I win, you lose.” The mother rashly says: “Since I am legally responsible for you, and you are still a minor, you will obey me!” A distorted sense of responsibility gives her a feeling of omnipotence.

Let us assume, however, that the mother has learned to be aware of this game. If she could convince, first herself, and then her daughter, that life does not have to be a struggle, that there is a place in it for friendship, care and cooperation, a completely new basis for relationships. If it were also guided by the principle of synergy, which was described by Abraham Maslow, the game would completely lose its manipulative-competitive character. The principle of synergy states that by sincerely revealing himself to another, an actualizing person can discover that his own aspirations are somehow significant for the latter.

A mother, for example, might remind herself that she and her daughter are not enemies, but friends. And friends live by the rule “you win - I win, you lose - I lose.” Based on the fact that we are friends (she would continue to argue), we could assume that our goals and needs have a lot in common. "Can we agree that we both don't want you to catch a cold?" - she asks her daughter. She nods. “And if so, we just have to figure out how to achieve this. You think that you don’t need to wear a coat for this. I think it is necessary. Let’s see if some other solution to the health problem is possible?”

When asked this way, Sally might suggest, “Okay, how about wearing a sweater under the jacket?” “That’s a wonderful idea,” says the mother.

What happened? Obviously, the rules of the game have changed. Now mother and daughter cooperate on a friendly basis. In a collaborative problem-solving situation, we first come to a common goal, consider alternative solutions and their consequences, and finally choose one of the solutions. Instead of being enemies, rivals and manipulators whose main goal is to defeat the other, we can engage in a friendly process of constructive problem solving.

Of course, conflicts will arise between mother and Sally more than once, but their resolution will be more successful if it is based on the idea of ​​mutual respect. If the mother had treated her daughter as an equal, she might even have allowed her to go to school wearing nothing but a jacket, so that she would learn something from the natural consequences of her decision - an unpleasant cold. All learning and development involves risk. But, as is known, one chooses the lesser of two evils. And Sally’s cold in this case is undoubtedly a lesser evil than the loss of contact with her mother.

We could all save ourselves a lot of trouble if we understood what winning and losing actually mean. Winning and losing are just hypothetical ideas about how to live, and these ideas are false. As Fritz Perls said, “When we win, we always lose something, and when we lose, we always win something.” And this, in my opinion, is much closer to the true understanding of life.

Many parents consider themselves life experts for their children, but, unfortunately, the essence of their approach is expressed in the banal “you must.” Karen Horney called this the "tyranny of debtism." To be convinced of this, it is enough to listen to a conversation between a parent and a child and count how many times this categorical imperative is used. However, children also do not shy away from it and use it skillfully. So they're even.

An alternative to “debtism” is “estism.” Instead of striving for perfection, with the inevitable feeling of inadequacy and inferiority that inevitably accompanies it, we could try to accept life as it is and strive to develop what we have. Instead of creating hell for our children by setting impossible standards for their behavior, we can grow with them by creatively solving our problems. common problems. Only a growing personality is able to unconditionally accept responsibility for himself.

Let's use another example of parent-teen conflict and see how this theory works.

Jim argues with his father over homework. He doesn't want to do it now. First he wants to go to a club to play with his friends for a few hours. “Do your homework and then go,” says the father. And he adds in a friendly manner: “Let’s see if our views on your future coincide. I think we both want you to finish school, and that includes completing your homework on time, right?” Jim agrees with this, but still doesn’t want to do his homework. “Come on,” Jim suggests, “I’ll get up early in the morning and get everything done.” “Okay,” the father agrees, “but let’s agree that if you don’t get up, next month the club will have to leave. Obviously you have to learn from experience."

The father made a concession, and this is much better than a protracted conflict that turns the life of many families into a nightmare.

In the following example, Mary and her parents cannot agree on her date. She is only thirteen years old, but she really wants to go to the open-air cinema on Friday night with Jack, who is sixteen. Her parents don’t want her to meet him alone, especially in a car.

“You don’t even let me into the movies!” – Mary protests, like a real manipulator. But her mother does not support her games and says: “That’s not true. We don’t mind you going to the movies. We just don’t want you to be defenseless against your sex drive. For now, you decide to just go on a date. But when you park in the grove, it may be too late. You may lose the ability to decide anything, because your body will be stronger than you. It is important to be able to foresee. possible consequences their decisions." “You just don’t trust me,” Mary pouts. The father enters the conversation: “No, we just don’t trust such situations.”

What solutions can there be? Disputants come to several options: 1) go to a regular cinema by bus; 2) go where they are going, but the father will drive; 3) the same thing, only Jack’s parents will be driving; 4) go there with an older couple - her brother and his girlfriend. Mary chooses the latter and, although she complains about some restrictions on freedom, she does not consider her parents to be enemies.

Some will say that the parents in the last example express their feelings and concerns to the child too openly, but honesty is a necessary condition for actualizing behavior.

The actualizing relationship between parent and adolescent

The main task of the actualizing parent is to help the teenager direct his feelings in a constructive direction. He understands that teenage protest is a necessary component of personal development, and the protesting teenager himself believes that the parents at whom his protest is directed understand and love him, despite his behavior. He is afraid to rebel in this way against someone else. Actualizing parents understand that their child is growing and trying to find his place in the adult world. Therefore, it would be unwise on their part to interfere with him by trying to squeeze him into ready-made adult frameworks. You need to let him develop at his natural pace.

Dorothy Baruch identified three things that parents must provide for their children during adolescence: understanding, practical information about sex, and help in becoming independent people.

Understanding without acceptance is impossible. By allowing the teenager to express his feelings without any fear, the actualizing parent tries to recognize his right to be insolent. Most parents view insolence as a threat. Such parents, of course, are not able to understand the feelings of their children, because they have not yet understood their own. This is why it is important for parents to go to therapy with their teen. As the parent learns to freely express his true feelings to the child, he learns to understand both himself and him.

An updating parent understands that the teenager needs his help to learn to express his feelings and control his actions. He suggests ways in which you can express these negative feelings in socially acceptable actions: 1) air out your grievances; 2) express your negative experiences in writing; 3) draw, construct or dramatize them; 4) play sports, for example, play tennis, golf, checkers or chess.

Actualizing parents understand that it is the teenager’s feelings that make him behave this way. Behind unacceptable actions are negative feelings, the cause of which is not necessarily in the present, but may lie in the child's early childhood. In the latter case, these feelings arise in the teenager not because of what is happening now, but are associated with his ideas, often fantastic, about what happened once. An important role in the emergence of these fantasies is played by the parental attitude towards the child. Thus, if he experienced a lack of love, trust and intimacy in the early stages of his life, he will find it difficult to feel at home among his peers in adolescence.

Another important task of the updating parent is to help the teenager avoid dangerous behavior. There are two ways to do this. First, parents can anticipate some potentially dangerous interests of the child and provide him with the opportunity to pursue them in a structured environment: hiking, fishing, sports competitions, clubs, hunting. Secondly, parents accept the teenager's negative feelings and discuss them with him. If the parent does not reject his negative feelings, it becomes easier for the teenager himself to accept them without feeling guilty.

Rest assured, sometimes actualizing parents also express their negative feelings about their teens' behavior. They openly express their anger, and if they later regret the form of expression of the latter, they immediately say so. An updating parent, admitting his problem in the field of parenting, is not surprised by the teenager’s understanding and recognition. This overthrow of idols opens the way to building mutual understanding between parent and child and the emergence of respect on the part of adolescents for the feelings of their parents.

But actualizing parents are aware that teenagers’ behavior should still be limited. Youth needs to learn to accept the necessity of certain customs and traditions. Baruch offered three reasons for restrictions that are understandable to a teenager: 1) they are important for maintaining health and safety; 2) they are important for the protection of property; 3) they are important because there is law, order and social acceptability.

Actualizing teenager

Most teenagers are not as bad as we make them out to be. Less than two percent of them break the law. Their music, which so irritates adults, is organic and natural for them. So what if it’s the opposite of the musical romance of our youth? So life changed in the direction of this roar and squeal. Imperfection and disillusionment are the main themes of our time. The key to understanding current trends may be the words of Bob Dylan: “The only thing beautiful is the ugly, boy.” The previous generation's interest in sports, dating, and ridiculing "nerds" are a thing of the past. Now the best are considered to be athletes, excellent students, committee chairmen, class prefects - all those who passionately crave social prestige. Adolescence is the most difficult period in the struggle for self-actualization. It's surprising that teenagers don't fight for her with even more manipulative means and exhibit even more antisocial behavior.

Let us now consider the characteristics of the emerging adolescent within the three descriptive categories of any emerging personality: creativity, interpersonal sensitivity, and awareness.

Creative approach. An actualizing teenager is a creative rebel. He finds the courage to rebel in healthy ways. His protest is creative, not destructive or negativistic, and is expressed not in external symbols (unusual hairstyle, clothes, catchy makeup), but in the choice of his own goals and meanings.

Interpersonal sensitivity. He is not only responsive to the feelings of his peers, but also treats his parents with understanding. So he tries to get it appearance and manners suited the situation.

Awareness. Aimed at entering the world of adults, he wants to get the most out of today, living it to the fullest. He has a sense of the path traveled and a goal in the future, but he lives here and now. He is like a surfer riding a wave, who rejoices not only at the board carrying him along the crest, but also at the strength of the waves, the gusts of wind, the rustle of the coastal sand and the expanse of the sea.

A teenager, like all of us, is a manipulator who strives to grow into an actualizer. And the main task of parents, as it seems to me, is to get out of the way and let it happen.

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There are several ways a teenager can emotionally influence adults, and parents often follow the lead of their growing child. However, it is not difficult to recognize these manipulations and stop them at the very beginning, without bringing the situation to a conflict.

Since the purpose of manipulation is to evoke certain feelings, it is on them that attention should be focused. Most often, in an attempt to defend their independence, adolescents seek to arouse fear, shame, anger, guilt or helplessness in their parents by directing a stream of negative emotions. How does this happen?

Fear

Natural fear for the life and safety of your child is the strongest feeling that in most cases a teenager uses to achieve his goals. Indeed, such statements by a child as “I will leave home,” “,” “I will throw myself under a car,” “I will steal and go to jail,” etc., logically, should have an effect on any adequate parent. And in most cases it works.

Shame

The desire to cause shame in parents is nothing more than a fairly common manipulation, expressed in the following claims: “In our class, everyone is allowed - only I’m not allowed”; “Look, the neighbors’ children hang out as much as they want, but I, like a little kid, have to be home at nine in the evening”; “Normal parents understand their children.” There are many options here, but they are all aimed at convincing adults that they are bad parents and forcing them to make concessions.

Anger

Typically, anger is a short-term feeling that quickly passes after the source of irritation is eliminated. The psyche is not able to withstand this powerful negative for long, and a person is ready to do anything to get rid of it. Teenagers also use this tool of manipulation very often: they begin to persistently and tediously pester their parents with their demands, and the adults eventually give up. It’s not for nothing that they say that a drop wears away a stone, and manipulators know this very well.

Guilt

Often teenagers get their way by forcing their parents to experience. There can be many reasons for this: insufficient material security; workload, due to which little time is devoted to the child; parental divorce; non-prestigious school and much more. But all these accusations contain the same message: if you are guilty, correct yourself. And parents, feeling guilty towards their child, try to “correct”: they take out expensive gadgets on credit; they allow the teenager to visit nightclubs and spend the night with friends, etc. In a word, they make any concessions so as not to feel guilty.

The result of all these artificially caused feelings is the helplessness of parents in front of the teenager. This is exactly what the manipulator seeks: to induce in parents a state of powerlessness and the realization that they can no longer influence their child.

How to resist teenage manipulation

First of all, you need to understand the mechanism of manipulation and distinguish it from a regular emotional outburst. It’s one thing when a child says offensive words to his parents in his heart, but after a while, having cooled down, he apologizes for his rudeness. It’s completely different when a teenager is deliberately rude in pursuit of a specific goal.

It is necessary to control your emotions and not follow the manipulator’s lead. Calmly explain to your child that there are no ideal people, but this is not a reason for rudeness and irresponsible behavior. The teenager, seeing your calmness and equanimity in response to his rudeness and accusations, will understand that it is useless to manipulate you.

If you do not want your child to manipulate you, do not use similar methods in family communication. Remember that children copy the style and behavior of their parents.

Teach your child for your words and your behavior by personal example. If you yourself do not violate your obligations and agreements, then you have the right to demand the same from the teenager. When accepting family rules, agree that they cannot be ignored, but can be discussed and adjusted if necessary. When pushing the boundaries of a teenager’s personal freedom, do not forget to remind him of responsibility. The behavior of adults should not create problems for loved ones.

Having understood the reasons for the occurrence of teenage manipulations and the mechanism of their influence, you will be able to exclude them from your communication with your child and maintain the warmth, trusting relationship and mutual respect that existed between you before.

Svetlana Zharkova

Every day, the baby studies not only the objects around him, but also the behavior of other people. Children are very observant and easily recognize the weaknesses of adults. The child remembers well when parents stop being categorical and consistent on certain issues and then masterfully takes advantage of this. “Yesterday my mother allowed me to watch a cartoon at night, maybe today she will allow me,” the kid thinks before going hysterical. What is the reason for this child’s behavior? How to deal with a manipulative child and how to prevent this problem from occurring? This article will help parents correct their children's behavior.

Little manipulator: psychology of child behavior

To achieve your goals baby manipulator can use various methods: crying, lying, flattery, excuses, etc. After yet another child’s tantrum, parents often capitulate and fulfill the toddler’s request. Having achieved what he wanted several times, the child realizes the effectiveness of his methods and begins to use them again and again.

In the first years of life, the baby gets what he wants with the help of crying. And this is not manipulation at all, as many adults think. Often grandmothers advise not to buy into the baby’s plaintive calls: “let him cry and calm down.” Some psychology books say that the little toddler is cunning; by reacting to his crying, you allow the baby to manipulate you. Such incorrect information can be found all the time these days. And a little person only informs adults about his natural physiological or emotional needs, because he has no other way to ask his mother to feed him or change his diaper.

Whims and hysterics are not always manipulation. Children will experience growing up crises more than once in their lives, which are accompanied by various behavioral difficulties. Such periods are temporary and natural for every child.

IMPORTANT! To grow emotionally healthy person– Maintain a friendly atmosphere in the family.

It’s another matter when the manipulation is already conscious and directed. “Mom didn’t buy a toy yesterday, but today I cried in the store, and she couldn’t refuse me,” the baby thinks. Having tried this method several times, the grown-up child realizes its effectiveness. The older the baby gets, the more his methods of influencing his parents improve. If earlier he used hysteria, then at this time he can resort to threats, flattery, simulation and even aggression.

Manipulative child: what to do

We have prepared several for you useful tips, which will help you correct the behavior of a manipulative child and prevent such a problem from occurring in time.

• If once again the baby throws a tantrum - under no circumstances do not use, do not raise your voice, this may make the situation even worse. It makes no sense to explain anything to a child in such a state. Wait until the tantrum ends and talk to your child in a calm tone.
• Don't forget to tell your child about your love. Quite often, adults are silent about their feelings, believing that children already know about them. But any child needs to feel needed, to hear that he is loved, no matter what the circumstances.
• Do not make concessions, be firm in your convictions. Today you have good mood or there is no desire to explain something to the child and argue with him, and you turn a blind eye to his next emotional pressure and do what you want? Be prepared for the fact that if you once follow your child’s lead, he will resort to such methods more than once. It is important to be firm in your beliefs, regardless of the circumstances.

• Remember: all family members must adhere to the same principles of education. If mom and dad prohibit, but grandmother allows, naturally, the child will have a feeling of confusion and misunderstanding: “since one of the adults is not against it, then this is not such a categorical prohibition.”
• Day after day build trusting relationships with a toddler. Without regular conversations with the baby, it will be much more difficult for parents to understand the reasons for this or that behavior.
• Pay attention more attention to your child. Oddly enough, the child often resorts to manipulation just to try to get your attention. Spend time with your baby. Joint games and regular conversations will bring much more benefits than new toys.
• Don't try to buy good behavior. “If you put away your toys, I’ll buy you a construction set,” “daughter, just don’t cry, I’ll buy you a doll.” It is a mistake of many parents to encourage their children to behave correctly using such methods. The baby will get used to receiving long-awaited prizes and will strive to please you just for this, artificially portraying an exemplary child. Think about it, because his needs will grow as he grows up.

PECULIARITIES! Use fairy tale therapy to correct your child’s behavior.

• When prohibiting, speak calmly and confidently. Even if the little manipulator bursts into tears or gets offended, says something caustic in response to your remark, stay calm and friendly. In this way the baby expresses his reaction to what he did not like. Do not change your decision, do not give in, then your words will be significant. Explain to the baby why you forbid him to do this. Be honest with him: “you can’t play here because it threatens your health,” etc. Over time, the baby will begin to understand and listen to you.

• Set the boundaries of what is permitted. Prohibitions must be adequate and they must be established as early as possible. Stick to your principles at all times, do not prohibit too much and do not talk about it too often.
• Don't give in to your emotions. Children subtly sense your emotional state and reflect it.
• Be an example to your child. Your words must match your actions.
• Let me the child must face the negative results of his behavior. Does your little one cry every evening that he doesn’t want to pack his books for school? Don't scold him, don't force him, but don't do it for him either. Coming to lessons without textbooks, finding himself in a shameful situation and receiving a reprimand from the teacher, the next time the child will think about his behavior.
• Don't feel guilty. By stopping attempts at manipulation and being strict in some areas, you can meet the child’s emotional reaction. There is no need to blame yourself and consider yourself a cruel parent. You just want to raise a good person and do it all for the good.
• Find compromises. Strive to find common language with a child. Talk to him with respect and teach him constructive communication. Explain what you can do, what you can’t do, why, etc.

Raising a child is a complex process that requires patience and understanding. Don't despair if you encounter difficulties. Overcoming them will help not only maintain trust in your relationship with your child, but also make it stronger.