Every summer, dozens of accidents occur in the republic. People are drowning, motor boats capsize, children get into traffic accidents... Today, psychologists from the Center for Social and Psychological Support of the Republic of Sakha (Yakutia) will tell Ykt.Ru readers about how to survive terrible grief.
How to help those who have lost loved ones?
Saina Matveeva, psychologist at the Center for Specialized Psychology and Mathematics of the Republic of Sakha (Yakutia), working in the field of crisis psychology:
The condition of people experiencing great grief is, of course, very traumatic, and at first it will seem that it is only getting worse. There is no need to actively try to console them, the main thing is to let them know that you are there. Under no circumstances should you resort to phrases such as “Time heals,” “God takes the best,” “Everything will be fine!” etc. In the first days, such words are perceived with difficulty. Besides, we are not sure whether time will heal this person and whether everything will be fine with him... The only thing that the victim’s relatives can and should do is, I repeat, to be there. It is important for those who are experiencing loss to share their pain, speak out, and admit how scared and hurt they are. By speaking out, the person gradually comes out of the state of shock and begins to understand the reality and irreversibility of the tragedy that occurred.
But in this case, there is one thing - men and women experience grief differently. It often happens that men do not cry and do not speak out about their grief (unlike women, who thereby let go and begin to accept the loss), but may resort to other methods of escaping stress - they may go into alcoholic oblivion, become aggressive, lose their job or, on the contrary, plunge into it headlong, thereby fencing themselves off from those around them, closing themselves off from the world.
Tragedies are also perceived completely differently by young children, who at first may not understand what happened. Therefore, my urgent advice to loved ones of people with a similar tragedy is to help them speak out, get in touch with them, practicing the so-called joint grief.
Galina Fedorova, psychologist of the Mobile Crisis Service TsSPPSiM RS (Y):
A person should feel that he is not alone and that he is understood. Until emotions are spilled out, a person will not be able to think rationally and assess the real size of the loss and the threat to the future, and will not be able to adequately relate to the situation.
Among all the emotional outpourings, you need to try to isolate the problem, the fear that oppresses a person. For example, future loneliness, lack of money, fear of being rejected, humiliated, etc. All further words and actions should be aimed at rational comprehension by the person and the elimination of this fear. We need to help him imagine the steps that will allow him to get out of this situation, survive the grief and believe that life does not end here and the future can be happy.
How to help yourself overcome misfortune?
Sometimes people experiencing the loss of a loved one find it very difficult to accept their grief and the fact that they will never be around again. Are there techniques for accepting this situation and coming to terms with it?
Saina Matveeva:
It is better to practice specific techniques with specialists, since there is a risk of choosing a technique that is inappropriate for the person’s condition, which can lead to additional traumatic moments. Such acceptance occurs most effectively on the days of funerals. It is not for nothing that there is a ritual of spending three days saying goodbye to the deceased. At this time, a person who has suffered from a tragedy can tell the deceased something unspoken, have a “conversation” with him, and ask for forgiveness. At the moment of burial, a person accepts the death of his loved one with his mind and feelings, and begins to understand that he will not see him again.
And if at that moment the person did not have time to express his grief, was in a state of shock, prostration?
Again, I recommend that he seek help from specialists (for example, psychologists at our center, with whom you can make an appointment at 35-10-46), or at least call the helpline. Another way is a farewell letter, in which a person will express all his feelings towards the deceased and the situation of his departure, and then “let go” of this letter (tear it, burn it, throw it away). Finally, he can vent to a loved one. The only condition is that when speaking out about your tragedy, it is important to understand that the story about it must begin not with the fact of the tragedy and your despair and horror corresponding to this day, but with the case of your first acquaintance with this person, if it was your husband, birth, if it was your child, with any pleasant moments with them, etc. Thus, there is a “completion” of the tragedy, and, perhaps, a starting point for the transition to another stage of life.
Don’t be afraid to feel weak, don’t be strong, don’t endure. Instead, express your emotions freely. After all, death is a harsh truth of life, but those who remain must try to live on.
And one more piece of advice - don’t leave people who are experiencing misfortune. It often happens that on the days of farewell to the deceased there are a lot of people next to the victims, everyone fulfills their duty to him. But 3 days, 9 days pass and they are left alone with their grief. A person with resources (internal - willpower, self-love; external - friends, colleagues around him, some kind of hobby) gradually recovers, but there are also those who fall into a state of deepest depression, the recovery from which can take quite a long time .
But there are still people who experience misfortunes indirectly, losing sleep and peace because of thoughts on the topic “What if this happens to me?...”. What advice do you give to such people?
Galina Fedorova:
Indeed, in our time, the number of people indirectly affected by tragedies, who have lost peace and sleep, far exceeds the number of people experiencing real loss. The contradictions of the modern information environment are to blame for this, increasing the destructive influence of negative information. Any emergency, thanks to media resonance, causes fear and anxiety among suspicious people who are especially sensitive to such news. The emergency does not affect such people personally, but makes them victims of their own emotions, since it becomes an opportunity to throw out the tension accumulated on various occasions.
The most important thing is to maintain psychological hygiene. Find relaxation techniques that help you relax—physically and mentally. Use familiar techniques, favorite activities, hobbies from which you can relax.
Maintain information hygiene. Pay less attention to negative information on the Internet, read less news releases with exciting details. You need to tackle simple, everyday issues and focus on your daily routine. This will help you get out of your anxious “childish” state and return to a balanced, adult state.”
How to regain faith?
At moments of such tragedies, some people completely lose faith in higher powers, faith in goodness. How can I return it?
Galina Fedorova:
The loss of values in life, the meaning of life, trust, optimism - all this can accompany a state of grief, loss, tragedy in a person’s life. Above, we said that after a certain time, a person’s life and condition gradually normalize. Of course, it is necessary to use additional individual capabilities for this. Sports, hobbies, travel can help with this - anything that can help take your mind off sad thoughts. Some people find solace and answers to questions in religion, others resort to the help of psychologists or support groups. It helps a lot to survive grief and tragedy - helping others in need, the injured, the unfortunate. For example, parents who have lost a child suffering from an incurable disease open a Fund to support other children, in memory of their child - there are hundreds of such examples in the world.
How to find further meaning in life?
Saina Matveeva:
When choosing work, our children, our husband or wife (and your options) as the meaning of life, we put other values, not our personality, first. We come into this world in love, so it is necessary to live in a state of self-love and for the sake of the very fact of our life. If we take children as an example, they still grow up someday and leave their father's house. And we must be mentally and morally prepared for this transfer of responsibility for our lives into the hands of our children. This is the right of every person.
What is the meaning of life?
The meaning of life is the search for the meaning of life. It often happens that people who have made some project the meaning of life, upon achieving it, begin to feel a huge emptiness inside themselves; they simply do not know what to do next, what to strive for. In fact, we must see enormous potential within ourselves, a sea of possibilities. The same accountant can be at the same time an excellent writer, artist, singer, and not develop only in the direction of his profession and be in a “home-work-home” state. If at the same time he is also an excellent conversationalist, a devoted friend to someone, an exemplary family man, then he can be called a very harmoniously developed person. Each of us has the ability to become such a person. The most important thing is that a person should feel comfortable in any action and love the work.
How to become such a person?
Be able to see and realize your potential. If we do this correctly and act in these directions, then we “connect” to the source of endless development, which has no boundaries, and we come to a state of using our capabilities as we please, anywhere and anytime.
Anna Polyatinskaya
Grief is the internal experience of loss and the thoughts and feelings associated with it. Specialist in social psychiatry Erich Lindemann dedicated an entire work to this emotional state, calling it “acute grief.”
Psychologist lists 6 signs or symptoms of acute grief:
1. Physical suffering - constant sighs, complaints of loss of strength and exhaustion, lack of appetite;
2. Change in consciousness - a slight feeling of unreality, a feeling of increasing emotional distance separating the grieving person from other people, absorption in the image of the deceased;
3. Feelings of guilt - a search in the events preceding the death of a loved one for evidence that he did not do everything he could for the deceased; accusing yourself of inattention, exaggerating the significance of your slightest mistakes;
4. Hostile reactions - loss of warmth in relationships with people, irritation, anger and even aggression towards them, the desire not to bother them;
5. Loss of behavior patterns - haste, restlessness, aimless movements, constant search for some activity and inability to organize it, loss of interest in anything;
6. The appearance of the deceased’s features in the grieving person, especially the symptoms of his last illness or behavior - this symptom is already on the border of a pathological reaction.
The experience of grief is individual, but at the same time it has its own phases. Of course, the duration and their sequence may vary.
1. Shock and numbness
"Can't be!" - this is the first reaction to the news of the death of a loved one. The characteristic condition can last from a few seconds to several weeks, on average it lasts 9 days. A person experiences a feeling of unreality of what is happening, mental numbness, insensibility, physiological and behavioral disorders. If the loss is too overwhelming or sudden, the subsequent state of shock and denial of what happened sometimes takes on paradoxical forms, causing others to doubt the person’s mental health. This does not mean insanity, it’s just that the human psyche is not able to bear the blow and for some time seeks to isolate itself from the terrible reality by creating an illusory world. At this stage, the grieving person can look for the deceased in the crowd, talk to him, “hear” his steps, put extra cutlery on the table... The deceased’s belongings and room can be kept intact in case of “return”.
What and how can you help a person in the shock phase?
It is completely useless to talk and console him. He still doesn’t hear you, and in response to all attempts to console him, he will only say that he feels fine. At such moments, it would be good to constantly be nearby, not leaving the person alone for a second, not letting him out of the field of attention, so as not to miss the acute reactive state. At the same time, you don’t have to talk to him, you can just silently be there.
Sometimes tactile contacts alone are enough to bring a person out of severe shock. Movements such as stroking the head are especially good. At this moment, many people feel small, defenseless, they want to cry, as they cried in childhood. If you manage to induce tears, it means the person is moving into the next phase.
It is necessary to evoke any strong feelings in a person - they can bring him out of shock. Obviously, it is not easy to awaken a state of great joy, but anger is also suitable here.
2. Anger and resentment
They can last from several days to 2-3 weeks. After the fact of loss begins to be recognized, the absence of a loved one is felt more and more acutely. A person experiencing grief again and again in his mind scrolls through the circumstances of his death and the events that preceded it. The more he thinks about it, the more questions he has. It is difficult for a person to come to terms with loss. He tries to comprehend what happened, to find the reasons for it, asking himself a lot of different “whys”: “Why him?”, “Why (why) did such a misfortune befall us?”, “Why didn’t you keep him at home?”, “ Why didn’t you insist on going to the hospital?”... Anger and accusation can be directed at fate, God, or people. The reaction of anger can also be directed at the deceased himself: for abandoning and causing suffering; for not writing a will; left behind a bunch of problems, including financial ones; for making a mistake and not being able to avoid death. All these negative emotions are quite natural for a person experiencing grief. It’s just a reaction to one’s own helplessness in a given situation.
3. Stage of guilt and obsession
A person suffering from remorse over the fact that he was unfair to the deceased or did not prevent his death may convince himself that if only it were possible to turn back time and return everything back, then he would certainly behave in the same way. to another. At the same time, the imagination can repeatedly play out how everything would have been then. Those experiencing loss often torment themselves with numerous “if onlys,” which sometimes acquire an obsessive character: “If only I had known...”, “If only I had stayed...” This is also a completely common reaction to loss. We can say that here acceptance fights denial. Almost everyone who has lost a loved one, in one form or another, feels guilt towards the deceased for not preventing his death; for not doing something for the deceased: not caring enough, not appreciating, not helping, not talking about his love, not asking for forgiveness, etc.
4. Stage of suffering and depression
Duration from 4 to 7 weeks. Just because suffering is in fourth place in the sequence of stages of grief does not mean that at first it is not there and then it suddenly appears. The point is that at a certain stage suffering reaches its peak and overshadows all other experiences. This is a period of maximum mental pain, which sometimes seems unbearable. The death of a loved one leaves a deep wound in a person’s heart and causes severe torment, felt even on the physical level. The suffering that a person experiences is not constant, but usually comes in waves. Tears may well up at any memory of the deceased, about the past life together and the circumstances of his death. The reason for tears can also be a feeling of loneliness, abandonment and self-pity. At the same time, longing for the deceased does not necessarily manifest itself in crying; suffering can be driven deep inside and find expression in depression. Although suffering can sometimes become unbearable, those grieving may cling to it (usually unconsciously) as an opportunity to maintain a connection with the deceased and testify to their love for him. The internal logic in this case is something like this: to stop grieving means to calm down, to calm down means to forget, to forget means to betray.
How can you alleviate the suffering of a grieving person?
If during the first phase you should constantly be with the grieving person, then here you can and should let the person be alone if he wants it. But if he has a desire to talk, you must always be at his disposal, listen and support.
If a person cries, it is not at all necessary to console him. What is "consolation"? This is an attempt to stop him from crying. We have an unconditional reflex to other people's tears: seeing them, we are ready to do everything so that the person calms down and stops crying. And tears provide the opportunity for strong emotional release.
You can unobtrusively introduce a person to socially useful activities: give them work, start loading them with household chores. This gives him the opportunity to escape from his main worries.
And, of course, the person needs to constantly demonstrate that you understand his loss, but treat him like an ordinary person, without making him any concessions.
5. Acceptance and reorganization stage
Can last from 40 days to 1-15 years. No matter how difficult and prolonged the grief, in the end a person, as a rule, comes to emotional acceptance of the loss, which is accompanied by a weakening or transformation of the spiritual connection with the deceased. At the same time, the connection between times is restored: if before that the grieving person lived mostly in the past and did not want (was not ready) to accept the changes that had taken place in his life, now he gradually regains the ability to fully live in the reality around him and look to the future with hope. A person restores temporarily lost social connections and makes new ones. Interest in meaningful activities returns, new points of application of one’s strengths and abilities open up. Having accepted life without a deceased loved one, a person gains the ability to plan his own future destiny without him. Thus, a reorganization of life occurs.
Basic Help at this stage is to facilitate this turning towards the future, to help make all kinds of plans.
How the process of experiencing loss will proceed, how intense and long-lasting the sadness will be, depends on many factors.
The significance of the deceased and the characteristics of the relationship with him. This is one of the most significant points that determine the nature of grief. The closer the person who passed away was and the more complex, confusing, and conflictual the relationship with him was, the more difficult the loss is experienced. The abundance and importance of something not done for the deceased and, as a consequence, the incompleteness of the relationship with him, especially aggravate the mental torment.
Circumstances of death. A stronger blow is usually delivered by an unexpected, severe (painful, prolonged) and/or violent death.
Age of the deceased. The death of an elderly person is usually perceived as a more or less natural, logical event. On the contrary, it can be more difficult to come to terms with the passing of a young person or child.
Experience of loss. Past deaths of loved ones are connected by invisible threads with each new loss. However, the nature of their influence in the present depends on how a person dealt with it in the past.
Personal characteristics of the grieving person. Each person is unique, and his individuality, of course, is manifested in grief. Of the many psychological qualities, it is worth highlighting how a person relates to death. His reaction to loss depends on this. As he writes J. Rainwater, “the main thing that prolongs grief is the very tenacious illusion inherent in people of guaranteed security of existence.”
Social connections. The presence of people nearby who are ready to hold and share grief greatly facilitates the experience of loss.
Often loved ones, in their desire to support, only make things worse. So what? You should not say when communicating with grieving people:
Untimely statements that do not take into account current circumstances or the psychological state of the bereaved person.
Inappropriate statements generated by a misunderstanding of grief or a desire to drown it out: “Well, you’re still young, and,” “Don’t cry - she/he wouldn’t like it,” etc.
Projective statements that transfer one’s own ideas, feelings or desires onto another person. Among the various types of projections, two stand out in particular:
a) projection of one’s experience, for example, in the words: “Your feelings are so clear to me.” In fact, any loss is individual, and no one is given the opportunity to fully understand the suffering and severity of the loss of Another.
c) projection of their desires - when sympathizers say: “You need to continue your life, you need to go out more often, you need to end mourning” - they are simply expressing their own needs.
In addition, we should separately highlight the most frequently used clichés, which, as it seems to others, alleviate the suffering of the grieving person, but in fact prevent him from properly experiencing grief: “You should have dealt with this by now,” “You need to keep yourself busy with something,” “Time heals all wounds”, “Be strong”, “You shouldn’t give in to tears.” All these verbal attitudes drive grief underground.
Each of us has experienced loss or grief at some point. This is how our life works. But each person has his own grief. This could be the end of a relationship, the loss of a significant item, the death of an important person, the death of a pet, moving to another city, loss of a job or status, a serious illness or loss of a body part, and much more.
Grief is when, in the opinion of a person, he has irretrievably lost something very valuable to him.
If this happens, the person is inevitably filled with strong painful feelings. They arise automatically and unconsciously, they cannot be controlled. Emotions take over, threatening to destroy common sense. It is not surprising that in the Russian language there are many phrases expressing the danger of grief: “to die of grief”, “to drown in grief”, “to go crazy from grief”.
To protect yourself from these feelings and survive them safe and sound, the human psyche has invented a wonderful way - grief. When grieving, the psyche sequentially goes through a series of defensive reactions and experiences known as the “stages of grief”: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It is believed that grief normally lasts about a year.
Undoubtedly, the grieving process is strongly influenced by the significance for a person of what he lost, as well as his previous life experience, the amount of support, living conditions, etc.
In fact, in life, the stages of grief in their pure form never occur. Usually they overlap each other, get confused or overtake one another. That is why the process of experiencing grief can fail. In this case, a person can get stuck in one of the stages for many years, constantly struggling with difficult feelings within himself and deprived of the opportunity to enjoy life.
Don't leave your loved one alone. Grief and loneliness are bad allies.
Respect the feelings of the grieving person. Any of his experiences are a consequence of the work of grief, which means that each of them is important and natural.
Take care of yourself. Do exactly as much as you can and what you are willing to do. If you feel bad, you won't help anyone.
Don't rush things. The psyche of the grieving person knows best how much time it needs for each stage.
Never force grieving for anything, everything must be voluntary. Offer persistently, but don't insist.
Don't make a fuss and don’t try to cram in what you can’t fit in. What helps at one stage will only hinder at another stage.
Ask for help. If you doubt whether you are doing the right thing or are worried that everything you do is not helping, then contact a psychologist/psychotherapist who works with the topic of grief for advice.
1. STAGE OF DENIAL (SHOCK)
Metaphor:"Nothing happened"
What it looks like: In the first minutes or hours, a person may react poorly to the outside world, to appeals to it, he may behave too calmly, even distantly. He can also talk about a feeling of unreality of what is happening or as if some distance separates him from the event. Then the person can behave as if normally, talk as if nothing had happened. He may mention or make plans for the future that include something that no longer exists. The victim can endlessly ask about what happened. He can also insist and convince others that everything will still turn out well, that it is not the end, the situation continues, or that someone simply made a mistake or deliberately deceived, but in fact everything is in order (the illness will pass, the person will remain alive, the danger will pass ). The victim may experience panic attacks and physical symptoms, most often related to the heart.
The meaning of the stage: This is a natural and earliest mental defense - “I’ll just pretend that what’s making me feel bad doesn’t exist, and then it won’t happen.” The person does not believe what happened and actively denies it. What he lost was of great value to him and the awareness of this fact can cause many very strong feelings that can break the psyche and radically change life, and this is more than a person can now bear. Therefore, the psyche protects itself from this.
Danger stage: Stuck in denial, living as if nothing happened. Start constantly physically and psychologically running away from this and similar situations. This can lead to a person’s life becoming seemingly partial.
Purpose of help: So that a person understands, admits and realizes that he has experienced a loss/loss.
What to do: During this time, it is helpful to be close to the person, talk to them about the loss, and encourage them to talk about it. If physically possible, it is very important that the person sees and touches a body or grave (if this is the death of a loved one), debris (if this is the destruction of a building or area), photographs or things that remind of what was lost (if this is, for example, the completion of there is no relationship or body). If a person asks again, it is useful to carefully and gently, again and again, talk about what happened, and also explain that everything is over and nothing can be changed. At this stage, you need to be patient and gentle, and it is helpful to give the victim time and space to acknowledge the situation.
What to avoid: Avoid shutting up and judging the person when they talk or ask about what happened over and over again. You cannot agree with the victim that everything will still turn out well or that all is not lost and something can be changed. Avoid scolding or demanding that the person pull himself together. You cannot give advice or suggest any actions to cope with grief (at this stage there is a different task).
2. ANGER STAGE (blaming)
Metaphor:"Punish the culprit"
What it looks like: A person begins to feel and show indignation, indignation and anger. Begins to look for those responsible for the tragedy everywhere around (even if there are no culprits, such as during a natural disaster), and may become suspicious. May begin to blame someone for what happened. May also begin to hate everyone who has not experienced the same situation. The victim can try to take revenge, “seek justice” in different ways. If a tragedy involves the death of a loved one, a person may become angry and blame the deceased. The victim may experience various bodily symptoms or panic attacks.
The meaning of the stage: Understanding of the tragedy has come. But the value remains the same and the reluctance to lose is just as strong. The victim actively disagrees with this reality. What comes to the fore is a later, and therefore outwardly directed, action-oriented mental defense - anger. Simplified, such an experience can be expressed as follows: “I didn’t want this to happen, but it happened. So someone or something did this against my will. So we need to find this something or someone and punish it!”
Danger stage: Get stuck in anger and distrust of the world and people. Destroy relationships with loved ones and important people due to aggression and accusations against them. Cause harm to yourself or others (for example, trying to take revenge, breaking the law).
Purpose of help: Protect a person from words and actions that will harm him and other people and which he may later regret. At the same time, give the victim the opportunity to express his feelings, otherwise they will turn on him. If there is actually a culprit in the situation, then help to focus and achieve justice in a legal way, because it is difficult for the victim to focus at this stage.
What to do: It is useful to talk and listen to the victim, to calmly respond to his feelings. You can offer to safely express anger through active sports and martial arts. It is also useful for him to write “letters”, expressing his feelings in them (letters can simply be put on the table), talk about them with a photograph or at the grave. You can help a person understand the incident if it is important to him. If there is a violation of the law in the tragedy, then it is worth helping the victim to achieve justice and punishment for the perpetrators within the framework of the law. If there are no culprits or punishment is impossible, then support him in expressing anger and help him experience his helplessness. It will be useful to direct the anger of the victim to some useful cause (for example, helping those who have experienced the same thing). At this stage, it is good to be a mediator-peacemaker between a person and people.
What to avoid: Avoid blaming a person for his behavior and reactions. Avoid unfairly blaming others. Do not allow a person to begin to take revenge on anyone. You should not encourage or encourage people to vent their anger.
3. BIDDING STAGE (WINES)
Metaphor:"Bring it back the way it was"
What it looks like: The victim may suddenly develop obsessive ideas such as superstitions or following certain rules. Religiosity may appear, he may start going to church. Can easily believe and be led by promises and ways to correct the situation (turning to God, doctors, turning to sorcerers, science). A person may talk or mention some miracle that is about to happen because he did something special (For example, he donated money to an orphanage, so his illness will now recede. Not to be confused with the previous stage, when a person expresses his energy in some useful cause , there he expects nothing in return.).
A person may also begin to blame himself. Phrases like “if I…”, “I should have done/said this”, “I should not have done/said this” may often appear in speech. The victim may seem to be trying to correct something that was done “wrong” in relation to what was lost, as if this could change something. He may experience various bodily symptoms or panic attacks.
The meaning of the stage: The realization of the loss has come, the culprits have been found, but the value of what was lost is so great that it is impossible to refuse it. A typical attempt is to change what happened, to replace what happened with something else, to miraculously roll everything back. A person is ready to agree to any price to change a reality that he does not want to accept. The psyche resorts to the last defense: “magical thinking.” This is an echo of infantile “omnipotence”: “I am able to command reality, if only I knew the right way.”
The other side of the coin of omnipotence will manifest itself in a feeling of guilt: “I was able to prevent the tragedy, but I did something wrong, and it happened. So, it's my fault for what happened. I need to understand what I should have done differently in order to put everything back in place now and not lose something so important next time.”
Danger stage: Get stuck in wine. Give up relationships with loved ones and important things in life due to the lack of a guarantee that everything will not happen again. Deny yourself the right to joy, happiness, material wealth as punishment. Get too involved in religion, esotericism, or a sect, as an attempt to punish yourself, atone for guilt, or earn forgiveness, and because of this, lose contact with reality and loved ones.
Purpose of help: Help a person realize the irreversibility of the tragedy. Don't let him bury himself in guilt and self-blame. Support and help the victim accept his share of responsibility, if any. Let him know that, no matter what, he deserves to live on and be happy.
What to do: During this period, it is necessary to encourage the person to notice the impossibility of changing what has already happened by any means. Explain the impossibility of the victim’s influence on events of this nature. Make the person understand that he could not do everything perfectly, could not foresee everything, draw his attention to the contribution of other people and circumstances. Help to experience helplessness in the face of greater forces (such as the elements and death). If a person is objectively to blame for what happened, then help them experience this guilt and draw conclusions for the future. In this case, you can help the person find a way of healthy redemption that is beneficial to others. Help find a specific significant person whose forgiveness, in case of guilt, will make sense for the victim (for example, parents, priest, doctor). It is useful for the victim to write letters in which he would express his feelings, talk to a portrait or grave (if this is the death of a loved one).
What to avoid: Avoid blaming the person for what happened and do not encourage self-blame. Giving up something important for the sake of atonement should not be suggested or encouraged. You cannot punish the victim for what happened with words or deeds.
4. STAGE OF DEPRESSION (DESPERATION)
Metaphor:"Death Follows"
What it looks like: A person withdraws into himself and loses interest in life. The victim may appear depressed, there may be tears, apathy, sadness, lethargy, weakness, lack of desire to do something, go to work or communicate, and reluctance to live. The victim may stop doing his usual activities and neglect himself (he may eat poorly, stop washing his face, brushing his teeth, stop paying attention to clothes, stop cleaning the apartment, taking care of children). He may get sick or talk about various symptoms, and panic attacks may also appear, especially at the moments of “going out into the world.” A person may begin to avoid familiar people or events associated with fun, and often talk about the desire to be alone. The victim may talk about the meaninglessness or unbearability of his life. In extreme cases, suicide attempts are possible.
The meaning of the stage: All defenses have been overcome, the situation has been accepted, the culprits have been found, changes are impossible. The psyche is no longer defending itself, but has finally begun to experience true loss. At this stage there is a lot of pain, bitterness, helplessness, despair and other feelings that can manifest strongly in the body. The victim does not know how to deal with all these terrible and difficult feelings that fill him, just as he does not know how to live further without what is irretrievably lost. Subconsciously or even openly it may sound like: “my world is destroyed, I don’t want to live in a world that no longer contains what was so important to me, so I’m dying.” This is the most difficult, but also the most productive stage of experiencing grief.
Danger stage: Get stuck in grief. Ruin your health. Lose your job and friends. Renounce the world. Get really depressed. End your life.
Purpose of help: Prevent the development of clinical depression or suicide. Help and support in experiencing grief, share the pain. Take care of the health and material needs of the victim, which he himself cannot yet take care of.
What to do: At this stage, it is useful to take on physical support for the victim (for example, buying groceries, cleaning the house, taking care of pets, children). It is useful to call and visit regularly and ask how you can help. It will help to be a mediator between a person and the world. It is helpful to talk to the victim about his feelings and encourage him to express them in different forms (write poetry, prose, draw pictures, make music, write letters, talk to a grave or photograph). At this stage it is more useful to listen than to talk. Sometimes you can gently force a person to “ventilate”, go out with him somewhere, do things that he loves, but are not related in any way to the loss. It may be useful for the victim to change his environment (take a vacation, go out into nature, move to a place where he will be well taken care of).
What to avoid: You cannot force the victim to calm down and pull himself together. You can't force someone to take a break and have fun. You can’t overwhelm yourself with worries and chores. Avoid blaming anyone for anything.
5. STAGE OF ACCEPTANCE (HUMILITY)
Metaphor:"New Life"
What it looks like: At this stage, a person has a calmer, more even state. Positive feelings return to the victim’s life (he begins to smile, laugh, rejoice, joke again). The person begins to do things again that he did before. His strength returns and he becomes more active. The victim returns to work and can start new projects. Sadness still remains, especially when communicating with loved ones and when it comes to loss, but it no longer lingers. A person begins to become interested in new things, new hobbies and acquaintances may appear. May change the environment (change job, move to another place, change furniture or wardrobe).
The meaning of the stage: Grief is not over yet; this is its last and necessary stage. This is a recovery process. The pain gradually goes away, the “wound” no longer bleeds, a scar has formed on it, which still pulls and aches, but no longer causes acute pain with every movement. There is still not much strength, since it has been spent on dealing with grief and continues to be spent on “healing the wound.” Now we need to restore the lost strength. A person understands that he did not die of grief and that he will live, so he begins to establish a new way of life, without what he lost. The victim seems to have buried his old life and is now starting a new one.
Danger stage: Not fully recover and return to previous stages. Do not calculate your strength, take on too much or too difficult, overstrain yourself and fall back into depression.
Purpose of help: Help the victim make a full recovery. To help where human strength is still lacking.
What to do: Encourage the person to take time to recover. Gradually return to the person all his tasks that he could not perform previously. Support in new endeavors and new projects. You can try something new and interesting together. If a person remembers a loss, then calmly talk about it. Do not be afraid to remind him of the loss or what is connected with it. You can begin to behave quite naturally and usually with him (don’t restrain yourself and your feelings, don’t limit yourself in words and actions).
What to avoid: Avoid dwelling on the tragedy (talking only about it all the time). You cannot rush a person to recover and live life to the fullest again, as before. At the same time, avoid overprotection and mercy. You cannot blame or shame the victim for enjoying life again.
Melancholy settles in her, she withers and is sad. It is impossible to find a remedy that will help the pain subside. Most likely, the loss of a loved one will never be forgotten, only covered by the patina of time. It is important to know how to experience the death of a loved one in the Orthodox way correctly, so that it does not become life-affirming.
Scientific approach
Many people, having lost a loved one, turn to a psychologist or psychotherapist to help them overcome this difficult time in life. And this is completely normal, because often grief becomes an obstacle that not only prevents one from continuing to live normally, but also pushes a person to take dangerous actions.
Mourning in human life
Back in the century before last, psychologist Erich Lindemann identified the symptoms of natural grief, which is normal for every person who has experienced loss. It has several symptoms that can appear one at a time or several at once:
- Physical - tears, sobs, fainting, heart attacks, etc. In addition, you may feel emptiness in the stomach, chest, general weakness and breathing problems. Often a person becomes indifferent or, on the contrary, extremely irritable and sensitive.
- Behavioral - interrupted speech, confusion of speech and consciousness, changes in speech manner. Apathy begins, lack of appetite, self-confidence is lost, the person becomes amorphous.
- Emotional - anger at what happened is the first to appear, the person begins to look for someone to blame. Later, anger develops into depression, and then a feeling of guilt appears before the deceased.
- Fear and anxiety about your own future may also appear. If you do not consult a specialist in time, you can allow these “normal” symptoms to turn into destructive ones.
Also, there is a scientifically designated time of grief. Typically, families who have lost a member experience this time, and it is divided into several stages:
- A day or two is the first stage, which is characterized by shock and denial. Relatives at first do not believe the message about the loss, begin to look for confirmation, suspect deception, literally deny and do not believe what happened. Some people may remain in this stage forever and never accept the loss, they continue to retain things, the environment and the myth that the person is alive.
- The first week is exhausting for everyone, since funerals and wakes usually take place during this time. The family cannot yet fully comprehend what is happening and often people move and do things purely mechanically.
- Weeks two to five - family members return to their daily routine. Work, school, and usual activities begin. Now the loss is felt extremely acutely, because there is less support than at the previous stage. Melancholy and anger are acutely manifested.
- A month or two is the stage of acute grief, the end time of which is different for everyone. It usually takes from 1.5 to 3 months.
- From 3 months to 1 year - the stage of mourning, which is characterized by a feeling of helplessness and apathy.
- An anniversary is the last stage, which seems to complete the cycle of grief. It is accompanied by a wake, a trip to the cemetery, ordering a memorial service and other rituals that help remember the deceased and honor his memory.
About the afterlife:
The main problem today is the fear of death. People are afraid of dying or losing someone close to them. The ancestors of the modern Orthodox believer were brought up in atheism and do not have a correct concept of death, so many of them cannot cope with grief when it comes.
Advice from the Orthodox Church after the loss of loved ones
For example, a person can constantly sit on the grave of the deceased or even spend the night there; he preserves all things and furnishings as they were during the life of the deceased. This has a destructive effect on the individual and occurs due to the fact that the person does not understand what happened and how to live with it.
This misunderstanding is layered with superstitions and acute problems arise, often of a suicidal nature. Birth, life and death are links in one chain and this fact cannot be ignored.
Important! It is necessary to realize as early as possible that death is inevitable. And only by accepting it will a person be able to cope with the loss and not get neurosis.
It is necessary to remove all superstitions from yourself. Orthodoxy has nothing to do with hanging mirrors or leaving a glass of vodka on the grave of the deceased. These superstitions are invented by people who have been to the temple a couple of times in their lives and try to turn death into a kind of performance in which every action has a sacred meaning. In fact, death has only one meaning - it is the transition from worldly life on Earth to eternity. And it is important to think in advance where a person will spend this eternity in order to reconsider his entire worldly life.
You cannot draw any conclusions and look for the cause of what happened, especially you cannot say such things to those who are grieving. It cannot be said that God took away the child because of the sins of the parents or took away the mother because the child behaved incorrectly. These words can traumatize a person and turn him away from the church forever.
If you lost your mother
Mother is an important person in everyone's life. It is important to understand that for Christians, death is a temporary separation, after which there will be a long-awaited meeting with loved ones. Therefore, when a person’s time comes, he goes to the Heavenly Father and there he will meet his loved ones.
Having lost your mother on this earth, you should remember that she did not disappear, but only moved on to another part of her journey, completing her mission here. And now she will take care of her children from heaven and intercede with God for them.
Advice! The best way to cope with this loss is to spend more time in church and in home prayers. It is necessary to order a commemoration in the liturgy, a memorial service, in order to properly honor the deceased parent, and also to distribute alms so that people will also pray for him.
How to cope with the death of a loved one?
If you lost your husband
The wife left alone experiences all the stages of grief that all mourners go through. However, it is important for her to remember that she is not left alone - her loving Lord is with her and He will help her survive all the difficulties and trials.
You should not despair; you should understand that the Lord does not give beyond your strength and will definitely help you in the trials that He sends.
If there are children left in the family, then the widow must get together and return to normal life for their sake, in order to help them overcome this loss. Usually, the family returns to normal life within one year, so the widow will have to take on the dual role of mom and dad so that their children can overcome the loss and live normally.
How to help a loved one cope with grief
It is very important for a person and the whole family to have someone who will help them overcome all stages of grief and return to normal life, accepting and surviving the loss of a loved one.
Prayers for the departed:
- Prayer to Saint Archangel Michael for deceased relatives
What does it mean to help a family through grief? This, first of all, means going through all these stages of grief with them. As the Apostle Paul said, “Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep” (Rom. 12:15).
Each stage of grief has its own symptoms, so it is important to monitor the behavior of the grieving person and prevent him from becoming obsessed or committing dangerous and emotional acts. It is important to help the family or individual find a way to cope with the loss.
In addition, it is important to monitor the person and help him move from the stage of melancholy and grief to sadness and normal life. It is important to ensure that he eats on time, sleeps enough, rests and releases his melancholy. People often forget about themselves in their grief, families begin to collapse due to the constant stress in which they keep themselves.
Important! Helpers should gently guide the grieving from destruction to creation, to God and help them come to terms with the loss.
Archpriest Dmitry Smirnov. How to cope with the death of loved ones
This article is about the rules for helping people experiencing the death of a loved one. They help soften the grieving process. and cope with the pain and suffering that comes with it
Greetings
You, dear reader!
In we discussed with you the stages of experiencing grief.
As I promised, in this publication I will talk about how to help a loved one overcome the grief of loss.
Why did I decide
write an article on this topic?
The point is that I often work with people experiencing grief. .
And it happens that they complain that the grieving person does not accept their help or does not respond to it adequately.
Many people do not even know how to behave with a grieving person and how to help him.
Indeed, often people do not have sufficient psychological literacy to provide such assistance.
Moreover, many of their advice and admonitions only worsen the condition of the grieving person.
For example,
What are phrases like:
- “Stop grieving and crying, it’s time!”
- “You shouldn’t punish yourself like that - life goes on”
- “You can’t help him (the deceased), but you are needed alive! Stop grieving!"
- “Hold on and be strong! Tears won't help your grief!
Why doesn’t such support help, and sometimes makes things worse?
Firstly, such admonitions push the grieving person away from you. After all, you don’t hear his true feelings. You ignore and devalue them with these phrases.
What you are talking about now is not at all what is relevant.
And what is relevant now is the experience of the grieving person, not the thoughts of command.
Secondly, as a consequence, such help interrupts the natural course of the grief process.
It's like preventing a bodily wound from healing.
A different approach is needed here. And you will find out what it is like by reading this article to the end.
So, …
General rules
psychological support mourner
person
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Before we move on to describing these rules, let me make a few important points.
First. Since even a complete stranger and unfamiliar person is a very unpleasant event, thenand the grief of the person mourning causes natural rejection.
Because it is associated with feelings of powerlessness, fear, anxiety and uncertainty.
Psychological defense is triggered. You instinctively pull away and feel confused.
Hence the notorious: “Stop suffering, tears won’t help your grief.”
Such words are often spoken not for the grieving person, but for oneself.
To naturally distance yourself from grief and experience it as little as possible.
Second. As I said above, one should not devalue the feelings and experiences of a grieving person with phrases such as:
- “You shouldn’t kill yourself like that! After all, he was so sick, but now he feels better, he has suffered!”
- “Look, A.V. It was even worse - her child died, and your husband lived a long time!”
Grief is individual, it cannot be compared with any other. This only devalues and causes protest.
Or, for example, the phrases:
“You still have everything ahead! You will still have time to improve your life. “Have another child”, “You will get married again”, etc.
Phrases like this only make things worse. After all, grief is here in the present. Therefore, now the grieving person has no time yet.
The pain of loss is still too acute, the suffering is too deep.
The grieving process should not be interrupted, but the person should be allowed to go through it, allowed to grieve.
This is the most important condition for returning to normal life, but without the deceased person.
And third. It should be remembered that the death of a loved one can cause very acute reactions in a person, including stress disorder.
And you must be prepared for very unusual mental states in a person experiencing grief.
This may be stupor or, conversely, strong motor and emotional excitement, similar to hysteria. This may be unusual calmness, or complete apathy and indifference to everything.
So, here are the general rules for helping a grieving person:
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1. Be there
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This means psychologically. Even if you are geographically far away, support the person .
Be prepared to listen a lot to the grieving person and empathize with him. He needs to know that he is not alone.
That there is someone nearby who you can lean on in this sorrowful hour.
It is important to let him talk. Let him talk about his experiences, about memories of the deceased.
It is important not to avoid issues of death and suffering, not to turn the conversation to extraneous topics, but to talk about what is in your heart.
Let him talk about everything that comes to his mind. It is also important to give him the opportunity to cry.
Tears are... This is the basis of grieving and saying goodbye to the deceased.
Crying and saying what is inside are key moments in the gradual process of grief, the path to liberation from suffering.
Therefore, if you want to help a loved one, then you should not immediately and categorically calm him down when he cries and sobs.
Let him cry, let him not hold back his tears and sobs.
Articles related to the topic:
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2. Help
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Offer your help. But don't just say, “How can I help you?” And offer something specific. For example: “What do you need to buy?”, “Should I stay with you at night?”, “Go grocery shopping?” etc.
It is difficult for a grieving person to assess the situation, so specific help will be very helpful.
Help the grieving person master new social and living conditions and establish life without the deceased person.
But don’t bother with your help if you feel that it is not needed at the moment.
Perhaps the mourner wants to be alone for a while, so as not to be disturbed.
Give him this opportunity.
Sometimes, to get over grief, you need to stay with it for a while .
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3. Accept
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Accept the grieving person, his feelings and experiences sincerely, unconditionally and unconditionally. Whatever he may be: angry, crying, critical, unhappy, sick, unpleasant to you, weak, and even sharply refusing your help.
He must see that he is sincerely accepted, despite his shortcomings and the fact that he may cause problems for others with his weakness or something similar.
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4. Be patient
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To the emotional instability of the grieving person, to acute reactions, to weaknesses, to his irritability and anger.
Listen patiently to his complaints, his stories and memories of the deceased, even if they have been repeated more than once.
This is the most important moment of grief - allowing the attacks of suffering and grief to come out through talking and tears.
The more of this, the better.
In general, it is worth noting that patience is included in the list.
But is this really so? Read about this in the article:
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5. Monitor the health of the bereaved
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First of all, organize opportunities for rest and proper nutrition. Because the mourner himself may not notice the need for this.
If he refuses to sleep and eat, then show gentle persistence and offer to eat very little and sleep for at least half an hour.
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6. Watch your speech
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Avoid evaluative, categorical and catastrophizing judgments, such as:
- “What a horror!”
- “You can’t survive this!”
- “Why did he do that!”
- “Everything is bad!”
- “Sooner or later we will all die!”
- “Weakness is bad! You need to be courageous!” etc.
These judgments are nothing more than leading to problems in life and relationships.
Also avoid any statements that could make the grieving person feel guilty.
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7. Don't force things
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This means don’t rush the grieving process. Everyone has it, and its timing is individual. Grief is experienced in stages.
If it is not completely completed, or the process is “stuck” on one of them, then this can have a bad effect on the psychological and physical health of the mourner.
Do not try to cheer up the mourner, radically distract him from grief, or take him away from his worries.
For more information about this, see the article:
Important!!!
You should start to worry if:
a) the grieving person has already experienced delusions and hallucinations more than once;
b) he has been experiencing unusual conditions for a long time, for example, when a person is too calm, or his emotional and motor excitement does not go away for a long time;
c) he abuses alcohol, drugs and/or medications;
d) ceases to monitor his health, appearance and living conditions;
e) talks a lot about the meaninglessness of life, that he would like to join the deceased, that he does not want to live, does not see the point in this, that now he does not care what will happen next, and how to continue to live
All this should alert you.
Best if necessary.
I guess that's all.
Now you know the general rules of how to help a loved one overcome grief.
In the next article we will talk about one of the most effective tools
psychological assistance –
