Hello! This is not the first time I have contacted you and I am very grateful for the help you provide to people. I am 30 years old. The fact is that my husband left me half a year ago. I was left alone with a child in my arms without any means of subsistence. For the first two months he did not show up at all and was not interested in his son. I was worried, it was very difficult, how a child would be without a father, how I would be without him. I dealt with my depression mainly on psychological forums, talked with friends and found a lot of new activities. At one point I decided to talk to men. I registered on a dating site and a week later I began a correspondence with a guy. He is my same age. It’s very interesting for me to communicate with him, we have a lot in common and he absolutely doesn’t care that I have a son. But the fact is that my husband began to come and without warning, although I ask him to call in advance, he ignores it in every possible way. At each of his visits, he asks his son, ‘How many men came?’. When I ask him to sit with my son, he makes it clear that I should stay at home while my son is little. All this really bothers me. I don’t feel anything for him, I look at him with different eyes now. I don’t know how a relationship with an Internet guy will develop, but I definitely won’t be with him. Please advise how to explain to him that he is no longer and will not be in my life. It’s as if he doesn’t hear me and does everything on purpose. Thank you in advance. Sincerely.
Answer from theSolution psychologist:
Your ex-husband is violating your boundaries
If you have legally filed for divorce and the court has determined the child’s place of residence with you, then your family now consists of two people. Accordingly, the ex-husband is a stranger who has no rights in your family.
When your ex-husband comes to you unannounced, he is violating your personal boundaries. When he asks his son a question about your personal life, he violates the boundaries of the family subsystem. A child should not have anything to do with his mother’s personal life. The son cannot count your lovers, his job is to develop and play games. Psychological manipulative games - “Scandal” and “Hit Me” - are clearly not a healthy experience for your baby.
Your ex-husband does not realize that he is not a member of your family
Your ex-husband feels jealous of you and tries to control you, that is, to dominate you. This is due to the fact that he treats you as his property. Please note that your ex-husband wants power over you, an adult and independent woman, but does not want to bear his share of responsibility. So, when you ask him (!), rather than demanding, to sit with the child, he “makes it clear that you should stay at home while your son is small.” This is an attempt at control, irresponsible behavior and emotional abuse of you. You are being forced into a lifestyle that you are not comfortable with. At the same time, the ex-husband is removed from his parental responsibilities. If your ex-husband has not been deprived of parental rights, then he needs to understand the following. You and he not only have equal rights in relation to the child, but also equal responsibilities. If he does not want to fulfill his part of the responsibilities of raising children, then you can start a lot of unpleasant legal procedures.
Your new personal life does not concern your ex-husband
When leaving the family, your ex-husband should have understood that you could find new love and choose a new man. Another man may fall in love with you and your son from your first marriage, in your new family can be a great relationship. Now your ex-husband is doomed to suffer. This is retribution for his irresponsible attitude towards the family that he ultimately lost. One might say, a well-deserved punishment for a man who ruined the lives of both you and his own son.
Actions explain better than words.
If you have filed a legal divorce, you do not need to explain anything to anyone. You can change the lock and not give the opportunity ex-husband be on your territory without calling in advance. You can install a security alarm. If your ex-husband wants to enter your apartment or house without your knowledge, law enforcement agencies will come. The story with ex-husbands is a classic of the genre for local police officers and private security companies. Your ex-spouse will have to pay for his decision - to leave you with a young child - for the rest of his life. This is the price of immoral actions.
Contact a lawyer
Just because your ex-husband was in your bed for a while does not give him the right to unceremoniously invade your life now. He is a stranger who takes advantage of your kindness and willingness to forgive insults. What would you do if a stranger from the street opened the door to your apartment and came to you whenever he wanted? You would probably defend yourself from such annoying anxiety by calling the local police officer and asking him to show the stranger out the door. The same principle applies to ex-husbands. You are not obliged to let your ex-husband into your territory, you are not obliged to report to him. This is a person who may still have responsibilities for supporting the child, but he certainly has no rights to your territory and interference in your personal life.
How to communicate with your ex-husband if feelings are still alive and there joint child?
Oh, what a difficult question this is. You can say this: fate has sent you a difficult test. Not only do you need to experience the pain of betrayal, the feeling of being useless, go through the feeling of abandonment, but you also have to stifle your pride (torment: “They chose someone else instead of me,” “She is better”), and this is almost unbearable for the fragile “I” . You can try to get through it on your own, or you can seek psychological help. I want to tell you how the help of a psychologist can be useful.
First, you need to admit the fact that you are no longer loved and all the delights of love go to someone else. You will not be able to completely change your attitude towards your ex-husband until you go through all the stages of a painful separation.
Grieve over a breakup
All these bitter feelings can be experienced, cried, grieved, but... alone. And the best thing now is not to know or hear anything about him, about his ex. And here you have to communicate, because you have a child together and you, like a normal mother, do not want to act to the detriment of the baby and deprive him of his father.
I can write a lot of advice on how to behave with your ex, how not to lose your dignity in his and, most importantly, in your own eyes. And even offer you my psychological consultation. But will this help you when your heart hurts, resentment eats from the inside, and your own unsettled life adds fuel to the fire of pain?
You will not be able to completely change your attitude towards your ex-husband and, accordingly, your behavior, until you go through all the stages of a painful separation. I foresee your reaction: “How long can you go through a breakup? I’ve already experienced my pain.” So, if you had experienced it, then the question of how to behave would not arise. It wouldn't throw you from one extreme to the other.
What happened to you and your family is a real tragedy, and there is no need to minimize or devalue the power of your experiences. But you didn’t really let your husband go to another woman, you didn’t accept his betrayal, you tried, but in reality you didn’t forgive him.
The path to true forgiveness is not easy. And with the help of beliefs and reasonable explanations alone it is impossible to reach it. Only after living through all the pain and finding internal correspondences to the situation in yourself, accepting everything and forgiving everyone, can you forgive your husband.
By not breaking up with him, you are preventing other men from entering your life. Every time you fight your feelings, you waste your energy, and then you have no strength left for anything else. You need to see and realize the harm you are doing to yourself and your life, admit your helplessness and powerlessness in trying to change anything and gain control over yourself. Only after this can you begin your journey.
What is happening now? You do not give up the idea that you can influence yourself and the situation. You are asking for an algorithm of actions that will help you build tactics for your behavior. But I’m sure you know perfectly well how you need to behave, hence all your attempts to accept and forgive, to pretend that nothing happened... fatigue and anger - because there is pain inside you. You are fighting with yourself. And this is the road to nowhere.
Rules of conduct with your ex-husband
It's difficult for me to briefly say what needs to be done. There are exercises and meditations that trigger grief. But you will have to experience painful feelings yourself. My psychological help consists only of support and help in choosing a direction, in explaining some things. But I won’t live your feelings for you.
My 6 month program and is designed to provide support in such a situation. Working in a group helps you fully experience your pain, and the feeling of similarity with the fates of other women will strengthen you. It will make you realize that you are not alone in this situation.
It will start at the end of September.
Sign up for the group, and together with you we will begin a difficult path of experiences, along which you will discover a lot of interesting, useful, although at times, perhaps unpleasant.
So, how to behave correctly with your ex-husband?
1. Try to talk to him only about the child. Don't ask him about business, life, and don't tell him about yourself. Even if he is interested. Try to delicately avoid answering. By getting involved in communication, you give it your energy, and thereby tie yourself to it, and you don’t need this at all. Save your strength for yourself. Don't feed your ex with your energy.
2. Try to distance yourself emotionally when communicating with him. Step back. Don't get involved in conversations. Be polite, but no more. If it is possible to reduce your communication with him to a minimum, do so.
Although, apparently, it is still important for you to see him, you want to look into his eyes, to understand whether he is happy. And all these questions arise... Are you significant to him? Did he love you? Are you bored? Does he regret the past? Does he want to return?
3. Do not ask the child about the father, about conversations between them, and do not try to find out information about the ex-husband.
4. Do not prohibit your ex-partner from seeing the child, but the transfer of the child should be carried out in the way you need. Don't try to be a comfortable and good, understanding ex-wife.
5. Don’t let him know that you love him and are waiting for him. Don't show or prove to him that you have no one. But don’t do the opposite by demonstrating the presence of another man in your life. Be impenetrable to him. Don't let him know anything about you.
6. This is the most difficult and difficult moment. Try not to forbid him to invite the child to a new family. I know that it is very difficult and difficult to allow a child to spend time not only with his father, but also with his woman. This is not an easy test.
But if you can let your husband go, then this point will become feasible for you. The fact is that the new chosen one may turn out to be a jealous lady, she may begin to put forward her conditions to the man. She is unlikely to like the fact that she does not take part in her partner’s life. And then this may affect the frequency of meetings between the father and the child.
Therefore, if this has happened in your life, allow your child to become richer - to find a different family and experience a different relationship model.
Perhaps you will soon create a new union, and the child, communicating with members of both families, will grow up in a healthier environment.
Although I understand that this is only the right words. And having lost your husband, it is almost unbearable to share your child with him, especially if he is the only one. But still, probably not right away, but admit this thought.
7. Try not to discuss your ex-husband in the presence of your child - he will not understand your pain, but will only get confused in the situation. After all, he loves both you and his father, and you are both dear to him. There is no need to create a triangle “persecutor - victim - rescuer”, where you play the role of the victim. And don't make your child your savior. Subsequently, all this will backfire on him.
If you have a daughter, then you will form in her an image of a man that is not entirely correct, and it will be difficult for her to trust a man and love her chosen one. If you have a son, his identification with men may suffer, which then affects his ability to earn money and be successful.
And you yourself... The more often you think and talk about your husband, the more involved you become in this relationship. And for you they are already in the past, which you need to let go of! Don't create an emotional funnel that will later be very difficult for you to get out of.
Of course, with the help of articles I can only provide a little psychological help and support. In programs, webinars, and in my book, I provide meditations and exercises to help cope with feelings and undergo inner work.
One year of waiting
If you still love your husband, then most likely you want him back, and the hope of a reunion does not let go. What to do in this situation? Should I try to get my ex-partner back or not? Should I take any action for this?
There are no recipes that are equally suitable for everyone. But here you are in danger of immersing yourself in your expectations and hoping in vain for the return of your husband and thus losing several years, or even many years of your life. Of course, if you have decided for yourself that you no longer want to have anything to do with men and the memories of your ex are more than enough for you, then this approach is quite acceptable. But if you still don’t want to spend your whole life in unjustified expectations and hopes, then set a period for yourself, for example, one year. Tell yourself, if after a year your husband does not return, then you will cut him out of your life and learn to live without him.
One year is enough to choose your path. And if the ex-husband lived for a year with another woman, then I think the chances of his return in general have greatly decreased. Although life has its own rules, and nothing can be stated unambiguously here.
You can really wait one year, but then start building your life without your ex. And I would strongly recommend that you not just wait for his return, but take care of yourself, your inner world, your soul. In any case, you have to go through a breakup, even if there is hope for your partner’s return.
If you cannot internally part with him, let him go, then all your attempts to win him back are most likely doomed to failure. You can only return someone if in your soul you have let go of this person and have experienced all the pain of betrayal and separation. If this does not happen, it means that you have not changed internally, and therefore, your relationship, even if your husband returns, will remain the same.
After breaking up with a man, reduce the significance of your desire to return him, trust the space of your destiny. It will be what is best for you.
Hope for the worst, and the best will come.
I listed general rules, however, each woman finds her own patterns of behavior. But the most important thing is to always remember about the interests of the child, try not to inflate (not pride) and, of course, do not forget about yourself. Maybe your husband left you out of concern for your soul so that you turn inward and start treating yourself differently. Or maybe he made room for something or someone. Emptiness has one remarkable property of being filled. And maybe after a while you will be grateful to your ex-husband for doing this to you.
With love,
Irina Gavrilova Dempsey
When getting married or getting married, every person dreams that this is the first and only time. We all want to spend our whole lives with the one we walked down the aisle with, raise children and grow old on the same pillow. But sometimes it happens that a person meets another person, and this is not just a lover, but true love. How to tell your husband that I love someone else? - this is perhaps the most painful question in this case. How to confess to your husband? What is the right thing to do? We will examine these questions in today's article.
What's happened? Analysis of the situation
You probably never wanted this to happen. Perhaps you have never strived to find a lover and cheat on your husband with him. However, once you fall in love with someone other than your spouse, the situation changes. You already have a different attitude towards adultery and even justify it, thereby justifying yourself.
In such a situation, women can no longer say exactly when the attachment to another man began. Some of them are honest enough with themselves that they know, step by step, how things came to be the way they are now. Others experience more difficulties, their minds become confused because their actions contradict their position in life. Some believe that God sent them their soulmate and that it is never too late for love. Others blame their spouse and his behavior for everything.
According to psychologists, family relationships can be shaken as a result of dissatisfaction in the marriage of one of the partners. If a woman feels unhappy, unwanted, unloved, she will look for all these feelings in another person. And when this other person appears, the woman always thinks that:
- “I have never been loved like this”;
- “No one understands me as well as he does”;
- "This is the person I was meant to be with."
That is, she will subconsciously always compare the lover she fell in love with with her husband. Perhaps this is not love, but the qualities that are in the lover, but not in the husband, will prevail over opinion.
Another feeling that appears during this period is pangs of conscience. A woman does not want to harm her family, children, or husband. But there comes a time when you still need to confess. And a dilemma arises: how to do this? Although it’s better to think: is it worth doing? Admit that you love another person. After all, everything depends on many factors:
- will you leave your husband;
- does your lover love you as much as you love him;
- do you need this marriage?
Every opportunity has consequences: short-term and long-term. If you choose the short-term option, you will ruin your marriage for your lover. The level of your current emotions can make a choice that is most likely to make you happy today and now. However, there are long-term consequences that will come with this choice. Consequences related to your family, your children, your friends, your religion, your personal beliefs and values in relation to your spouse. If you think that being with your lover will more than make up for any difficulties, you are not alone. Almost everyone who makes this decision believes that because they are deeply in love with someone else, things will work out in the end. But unfortunately, it rarely, if ever, works out that way.
In ecstasy new love people do not see the shortcomings of their new chosen ones. And as a result, after a few years, the understanding comes that everything was in vain.
How to make the right choice
Although logic doesn't work at this point, try to temporarily turn off your emotions to see yourself in your future with another man. What do you expect from life with him, having abandoned the marriage and violated the core beliefs?
Happiness?
Based on psychological observations of thousands of couples, it can be said from a statistical point of view that this is unlikely. Because besides you and your lover, for whose sake you want to destroy your current life, there are many other people whom you can hurt: your husband, parents, children. Will the children be able to accept your new man? There are many factors that will make your happiness dull and incomplete.
But, if you nevertheless weighed all the pros and cons, you realized that there is no happiness in the current marriage and there will not be, that divorce will be the right decision, then you need to confess everything to your husband, and then to the rest of your relatives. Of course, it is very difficult to just come and tell your husband: “Sorry, but I love another person.” It's difficult psychologically. In addition, it is unknown how the husband will react. But believe me, it’s better to confess yourself than for one of your “well-wishers” to notify your spouse.
How to confess to your husband that another man has appeared
A few tips will help make the recognition process easier:
- We need to prepare the ground. In order for a man to more or less adequately perceive the information, it is necessary to create an appropriate environment around him. The house should be clean and orderly, and the woman herself should also be well-groomed. And remember that you should never argue with your husband if he is hungry. A fed man behaves more kindly.
- Think through every little detail, every word you say. Start from a distance so that the husband was not discouraged. And don't blame him under any circumstances. Whatever the reason why you paid attention to another person, in this situation you are the traitor and you are also largely to blame.
- Be prepared for negative reactions. Don’t expect your husband to simply tell you that he understands you and lets you go (although it all depends on the level of your relationship). Of course, there will be reproaches, accusations, possibly insults. Don't make excuses, don't swear. Listen and calmly apologize. In general, calmness and poise are the main qualities that you should possess in this situation.
- Try to resolve the issue peacefully. If you have children together, then the future will be inextricably linked with your husband, even if he is already an ex-husband. And a scandalous divorce and division of property is also not a pleasant process.
Since women are emotional creatures, unfortunately, in a fit of emotion they often commit stupid, rash acts. So that you don't have to regret the choice you made for the rest of your life, try to make an informed decision. Remember that in such a situation, a cold and sober mind is much more important, and not a hot, loving heart.
A woman certainly wants to have a strong family, which is connected by relationships without fears and reproaches. However, such dreams do not always become reality. And then the thought arises of leaving her husband and starting new life. At first it can even be scary. However, appearing more and more often, such a thought becomes more familiar, accompanying its owner literally all day long. But at the same time, a woman may hesitate to take such a step for a long time, feeling sorry for her husband. This makes her suffer even more. So how to leave your husband to start a new life?
Reasons for separation
A woman can only be happy in union with her beloved man. That is why representatives of the fairer sex, based on their age, social status and worldview, are looking for that life partner with whom they will be truly comfortable.
However, not every one of them manages to meet the ideal the first time. A woman falls in love with a man and recognizes him. But when she realizes that he is not at all the person she would like to see next to her, the moment of separation comes.
Why do wives leave their husbands? Among the main reasons, psychologists identify:
- Drunkenness, drug addiction. This is the most main reason leading to a breakdown in relationships. A man who drinks alcohol or drugs excessively eventually becomes indifferent to his family and has a short temper. He loses interest in life.
- Physical violence. Parting with such a man is the path to saving yourself and your children.
- Constant betrayals. There are women who turn a blind eye to the adventures of their husbands. They try to save the marriage at any cost. Those wives who cannot forgive infidelity break up with their significant other without any regret. Over time, you can hear from them: “I don’t love my husband.”
- Perception of a woman as a free application. This is also one of the reasons for separation. Over time, wives begin to understand that their husbands need them only to ensure their comfortable and cozy stay.
- Character differences. Women often leave men because they understand that their union has no future.
- Spouse's reluctance to have children. There are many reasons for this. But a woman who realizes that she is losing her last chance to have a child will certainly leave her husband forever.
- Lack of love. A woman should not try to feign passion. If she can say with confidence: “I don’t love my husband,” then she should decide to separate. Sooner or later, but it will be inevitable. The same can be said about the situation when a woman says: “I don’t want a husband.” Sharing a bed with such a person is not worth it.
- The husband's unwillingness to provide for the family. If the husband does not work and does not even try to start looking for a place to work, then the woman should not support him.
Why is it so difficult to break up?
How to leave your husband? After all, deciding to break up can sometimes be very difficult, especially if you have lived with a person under the same roof for many years. Psychologists identify several reasons why women are afraid of divorce:
- Material dependence. It is very difficult to start a new life when the apartment, car and much more are the property of the husband. Situations often arise when a woman simply has nowhere to go. That is why she continues to live with her unloved husband.
- Habit. Sometimes it is difficult for a woman to break up not because of love. She continues to be near an unloved man because of habit. An established life does not allow her to make fundamental changes in her life.
- Child. A woman wants her children to be raised in a complete family. However, this is not at all a reason to give up on your own life.
- Threats. Sometimes men intimidate their wives so that they do not leave them. The woman does not dare to ignore the threats because she fears for her life.
What to do?
How to leave your husband? The development of an action plan will depend on the circumstances that led to such a decision. Psychologists advise a woman to remember when the thought of leaving her husband first came to her. If such an idea arose in the heat of the moment, then you should just forget about it. After all, there are such emotional couples who are going to get divorced with enviable regularity. It happens that they still bring this matter to the end, but after a few months they get back together again.
Those women who have had such a thought ripening in their minds for a long time have to think differently. Most likely, it does not arise by chance, but due to a series of circumstances that do not suit them.
How to leave your husband? Psychologists advise women to think about their step literally down to the smallest detail before making a decision. In this case, you should only take into account your desires and feelings. In cases where a husband cheats, beats or humiliates, there is no point in justifying such a spouse. No man should allow himself to treat any woman like this. And even if he asks for forgiveness and repents of his actions, sooner or later this will definitely happen again.
A woman who has decided to break up must think about where she will go, what she will do and how she will organize her life.
Conversation with my husband
And so the woman made a firm decision to separate from her husband. How can I tell my husband that I’m leaving so that he understands that this is not blackmail, not a whim or a cruel joke? Everything will depend on what result the fairer sex wants to get.
In order to part as friends, you will need to follow some recommendations from psychologists. They will allow you to solve the problem without scandals and continue normal relationships. What kind of advice are these:
- above all, remain calm;
- do not make mutual accusations and forget about past grievances;
- forgive your husband;
- conduct the conversation calmly;
- take care of your own safety.
It can be very difficult to follow these rules. It is especially difficult to do this when you have a long life together, but the husband is not at all bad person. That is why it is worth preparing for such a conversation in advance.
How to start a conversation about divorce, since breaking such news is quite difficult? Before talking, it is recommended to take a mild sedative. However, in this case, you should not abuse alcohol or use drugs. It is unlikely that such a step will be correct.
How to start a conversation about divorce? Psychologists do not recommend telling a man the whole truth, for example, that he is this and that, does not provide for his family, does not look after the children, smokes, drinks, hits, cheats and takes walks. Starting a conversation like this will lead to the woman hearing a lot of unpleasant things about herself. In addition, accusations against your spouse will cause him to become aggressive. And this will certainly lead to a waste of unnecessary nerves, deterioration of health, etc.
How do wives leave their husbands? A woman should prepare her speech in advance. You need to start with the following: having found the right moment, tell your husband that they are different people, and their future paths in life diverge. Of course, many things may not go according to plan. However, the woman will know what to talk about and will not remain silent in response to her husband’s reproaches. And to do this, she should answer the following questions for herself, which will certainly come up in the conversation:
- Decision time. You need to understand that the thought of divorce is not at all accidental. At the same time, you should not invent soap operas, but present your spouse only with dry facts and figures.
- Having a lover. Representatives of the stronger sex are especially humiliated by the presence of another man in the life of their woman. In order to avoid scenes of jealousy and mortal resentment, it is better not to talk about it. Otherwise, it will not be possible to avoid a scandal.
- Reason for divorce. In this case, you need to describe the problem that exists in the family.
This list can be continued indefinitely. A woman who has been married for quite a long period must herself understand what her husband may ask her. By preparing her answers in advance, she will be able to show more confidence in the conversation, avoiding weakness and tears.
Feedback
How to leave your husband painlessly? To do this, psychologists recommend learning to forgive. This is not easy to do. However, everything that was said and done in the past is where it should remain. Otherwise, instead of talking about divorce, it will turn out to be an ordinary scandal. Sometimes the consequences of such a drama are quite sad, from the hospital to the prison. This is why you should take care of your own safety. After all, she is above all.
How to get away from loving husband, because his response can manifest itself in the form of tears and prayers? However, if a woman has firmly decided to divorce, then she should not back down. After all, most likely, the man is simply blackmailing her, and you shouldn’t give in to something like that. But in any case, before starting a conversation, it is better to ask family or friends to be somewhere nearby, for example, in the next room or on the staircase. After all, a man in a state of passion is capable of aggression that could not be expected from him.
If there is a child in the family
A woman who has decided to leave her husband to start a new life must think through everything in advance. Especially if, after leaving her husband, she will be left without money. When deciding to divorce, the child should be informed about this. The woman will have to choose the right words for him in advance. This will allow the child to correctly assess the situation. Young children will miss their dad at first. And only with time will they calm down.
A child should not say anything negative about his father. And if in the future they want to communicate with each other, then there is no need to prevent this.
When leaving your husband, you should consider the issue of alimony in advance. A qualified lawyer can help with this. In addition, the spouses can draw up an agreement in which they will prescribe the order of communication between the children and the father, his participation in their upbringing, etc. And only in the case where the husband is not going to sign such a document will it be necessary to submit an application for alimony.
Sometimes it is difficult for a woman to decide on a divorce when she is pregnant or has a small child up to a year. In this situation, you need to have close people nearby who can provide the necessary help.
It is not easy to get a divorce even when the child has reached adolescence. The woman will have to tell him about the reasons for making such a decision, pointing out that it will be safer and better. The child will grow up and over time will be able to understand everything.
Sometimes children need the help of a psychologist. Sometimes only a specialist can eliminate mental problems that arise as a result of divorce.
However, you should not try to maintain the appearance of a family just for the sake of the children. After all, the time will come, and they, already grown up, will definitely ask their mother why she suffered for so many years. In the case when there is no love between mom and dad, there is no and cannot be an atmosphere of mutual trust and happiness. Adults in such families often create scandals that negatively affect the psyche of children. Boys and girls follow the example of their parents and carry their mistakes into their future lives.
If the husband is a tyrant
Love in family life plays an important role in creating relationships. But will there be a place for her if the husband periodically beats his wife? Having decided to leave the tyrant, a woman needs to take care in advance of the place where she will live. In this case, parents or friends can provide help. You can also rent an apartment in another city or region.
A crisis center would be a good option for a woman with a child. Its specialists will provide medical and psychological support, and will also be able to provide temporary housing.
Of course, the unknown is always scary. However, a woman must prove to herself that she is ready to decisively fight for her freedom.
How to leave a tyrant husband if he doesn’t let go? It is worth remembering that the longer a woman lives with such a spouse, the stronger her psychological dependence on him becomes. After all, constant attempts to please such a person, fulfilling all the requirements presented, will create self-doubt. That is why psychologists recommend not delaying making a decision and leaving the tyrant as soon as possible.
In this case, a woman should think about why she needs a man who constantly spoils her nerves. After this, you need to believe in yourself in order to become an individual again. A beautiful, intelligent and self-confident woman should not tolerate violence in any form, as well as bullying.
If the husband is jealous
This feeling has destroyed many families. Pathological jealousy kills love, replacing it with hatred. It is not surprising that a woman can eventually say: “I don’t want a husband.”
Anyone who believes that her husband's jealousy has gone too far should not expect Desdemona's fate. If your husband is jealous for no reason, what should you do in this case? Don’t regret anything, don’t hold on to material wealth, but just leave before it’s too late.
The experience of those women who left their jealous spouses suggests that separation is not as scary as it seems at the beginning. You just need to “cut from the shoulder.” This will avoid possible violence and scandalous scenes. You shouldn't feel sorry for such a person. After all, it is unlikely that he experienced such a feeling, tormenting his wife for years. How can we talk about love if a woman cannot live even a day without a sedative?
Psychologists advise a jealous husband not to talk about his decision in advance. It is advisable to leave him quickly and without any warning.
If the husband is a drunkard
Alcoholism is a serious problem of our time. And if it has affected your family, then the careless husband, who from a charming and sweet young man has gradually turned into a degenerating personality, should leave as soon as possible in order to start life with clean slate. This will allow the woman to get a chance and find a man who will appreciate her.
How to quit drinking husband? He needs to be informed of his decision clearly and clearly, indicating that no action is being taken on his part to improve the situation. A woman should be prepared for the fact that her husband will begin to beg and plead with her, promising to stop drinking. But you shouldn't believe this. After all, most likely, such a promise is far from the first.
You should not take gifts from this person and date him. If your ex-spouse constantly bothers you, then it is better to change your phone number and temporarily rent a house in another area.
If a woman is afraid that when she reports a divorce, her drunken husband will start causing trouble, then she should leave him while he is at work, leaving only a note.
If a woman still does not want to destroy her family, then, having left her alcoholic husband, she can watch him from the side. After all, you always want to hope that there is even a slim chance that he will come to his senses and recover from his addiction.
If the husband doesn't work
It is so customary in human society that the head of a family is its breadwinner. However, what if everything happens differently in life, and the husband only gets annoyed by a conversation whose topic concerns his employment?
A woman can only have one way out. She should invite him to look for a job or break up. It is worth keeping in mind that it is impossible to force a man to work who fundamentally does not want to do so. That is why in such a situation the last word remains with the woman. How to leave a husband who doesn't work? First of all, determine for yourself whether it is worth continuing to live with a spouse who does not want to take responsibility for the family and is not embarrassed to be a burden for it.
Let's start a new life
The most difficult period will be the first months after the breakup. It will take time to put things in order in your thoughts and get comfortable in your new place.
Psychologists give advice on how to start a new life for a woman after breaking up with her husband. If she has friends, hobbies and work, then she should go into public or creative activity literally head over heels. You can go on a trip or engage in other activities.
It is more difficult to start from scratch for those women who previously had only one home. They are faced with the task of finding a business that generates income and becoming independent. There is no point in hoping that you will be able to get a well-paid, prestigious position after a long break in your work experience. You will have to start practically from scratch, but you shouldn’t give up even the smallest things at first. Still, it will be better than living with a man you don’t love.
A new job will allow you to make new friends, overcome depression and re-set all your life priorities.
In a long marriage, especially if it was early, women seem to regain their virginity. In the emotional sense of the word.
In a long marriage, especially if it was early, women seem to regain their virginity. In the emotional sense of the word. You forget how to flirt, how to have affairs, how to look at other men.
From this unafraid state you have to go out somewhere on the prairie and learn to ride around wild mustangs. This is how I imagined the need to do something with my personal life.
You have belonged to one man for so long that it is impossible to imagine anyone else in his place. Only his hands were in the most hidden corners of your body, only his breathing you heard at night, only with him you had a secret love language to denote the most intimate. You cry because now this is gone, and you shudder with disgust, imagining other men.
Stop. Now, in order.
First of all, you can’t force yourself. No matter how old you are, you may find that there are a lot of men around you who are ready to fuck you. There are many who have been ready to have sex with you for a LONG time.
It's very difficult to formulate, but what you need now is not sex. You need warmth and intimacy. And even if you find that next to you is someone who has loved you for a long time -, well, some old admirer - it will still not be the same. If you have sex with him, this will be the only thought in your head. “It’s not like that, guys.” It's better to go to the movies with him, but don't rush into bed immediately after the breakup.
I experimented. Just to understand that I can still have sex, and that I am an ordinary, normal woman who can create desire. The results of the experiments satisfied me - yes, I am able to instantly create desire. This is incredibly important for a rejected woman. And it doesn’t matter at all for the lover.
I ran away from the men screaming - I need to feed the fish! and never stayed overnight. It wasn't about the sex, it was about the fact that they were the wrong men. I mean, not my husband.
In the end I gave up experimenting. I tell you with all responsibility that you can do without them. It's better to recover slowly. Nothing will change.
Because eventually there will be a man you want to go to bed with. You may not be crazy with lust, but you will feel safe with him. Look for one like this. He is the one who can restore you. He will treat you with care. It will be one time, or several – it doesn’t matter. Beware: Don't fall into the following trap and accept gratitude for being in love.
Now pay attention. If after a divorce you decide to have sex with ANOTHER man, then let’s immediately learn a few rules. Iron.
- The other man must be free. He SHOULD NOT be married. Otherwise, you will again be faced with the deadly topic of “the other woman.”
- The other man must be superior to your husband in some way. No matter the make of the car or the height, something has to be better.
- The other man should be actively and visibly involved with you. Invite, help, take you to the movies and for walks.
- Sex with another man should not make you feel sick or cry.
- Another man doesn't have to know your sad story, but it will be better if he treats you with care.
- It is better if he is as far away from your general circle of acquaintances as possible.
- Another man will sooner or later happen to your life. Be open, but not rash.
- All protective equipment is required.
I was lucky. I have never encountered vultures who are inclined to think that they have met a woman who is ready to do anything. But I might not have been lucky – I’ve heard stories like this. Please take care of yourself. Don't get involved with strangers. Do not drink under any circumstances. Don't look for adventures on your own. I insist that most women after divorce lose their sense of danger inherent in more “wild” women. Long marriage dulls instincts. We are used to trusting. We’re used to it, we’re just used to it, but everything around us is hurtful and unusual.
The ideal case for the first “loss of virginity” after marriage is some very distant acquaintance. An acquaintance of acquaintances. I instantly, simply out of anger, seduced my own child’s doctor. Sex with him was fun, I won't go into details. Everything seemed wild and alien to me, and one day I ran away. And she didn’t return.
Let me remind you once again that I am only talking about my experience. This is not a school - I'm just sharing. If you decide to sit and be faithful to your husband, I understand you very well. I chose to go and gain experience. The experience was not just nauseating, I was just not ready for it.
Then, six months after the breakup and after all the failed experiments, I had this trip to the sea with our distant mutual friend. Until the moment we entered the hotel room, I vaguely hoped that there were two rooms. He was alone - and luxurious.
This was just the ideal option. Everything was in order with his masculine attractiveness, attitude towards me, safety and care. I’m embarrassed to admit that this was the first time I didn’t think about my husband at night. Only during the day. My companion and I were both wounded by our partners. And they both knew about it. We had no illusions. We treated each other warmly. I did not deceive you when I said that the trip was first and foremost a friendly one. We didn’t meet again, didn’t remember about it, and upon our return, somehow everything worked out for both of us.
If I were to give you advice, I would say - girls, don’t indulge in all the serious things, but also don’t remain faithful to the one who deceived you so cruelly. Regardless of whether you are waiting for your husband back, or circumstances have forced you to give up on this - Don't close yourself off to other men. But only when you are ready for it. Give yourself time. Feel your boundaries. Perhaps flirting over a cup of coffee is what will be enough for you in the first six months. I repeat once again that the female body is designed in such a way that the less sex, the calmer the woman tolerates abstinence. Don't panic, don't rush into bed with the first person you meet, but don't miss the opportunity to gain experience if you feel strong enough. Be prepared that the experiments may be emotionally traumatic - in this case, give yourself a break.
It's probably unnecessary to say that shouldn't you go to bed for revenge? This is the stupidest thing that can happen to you at this stage. You will then cry and spit, hurting yourself first of all. You can go to bed out of a desire to find out what you’re like in sex with another man, out of a desire for warmth and intimacy (be careful with this, you still won’t get what you had with your husband) and, best of all, out of lust, but for a traumatized woman, as a rule, not to the point of lust.
Now about the policy of behavior with your ex-husband.
There is no need to tell him about the other man. Especially in the spirit - darling (sobbing), you left me, and I was forced to cheat on you.
It's too difficult for a man. In addition, he understands that you are again trying to make him feel guilty. No need.
But you can’t make it clear that you are some kind of unclaimed aunt, suitable only for watering the threshold with tears after he leaves.
So I highly recommend that you really occupy your evenings and weekends. And even if you are sitting at the cinema with a friend, it’s better to say evasively - you were with friends, you don’t know them.
By the way, this is an ideal excuse both for pretending that you have another man and for pretending that you don’t have him.
Be prepared for interrogation, but don't confess. Your task is to let him know that you have left your marriage greenhouse and gone to yourself. And where is none of his business now.
Arriving at night from this trip, I found my husband near my entrance. I won’t lie – no flowers, but with a package of seafood, which I adore. He obediently listened that “I had a great trip,” cooked these octopuses for me and peacefully went to sleep on the marital bed. For the next two months, he marked the territory in every possible way. We went to a local resort, then to the south, and through his efforts all his friends, distant and close acquaintances knew about it.
And I wrote that night in my diary that “if I were a bitch and a bitch, I wouldn’t tell him anything at all.” Although everything was clear from my radiant appearance.
So, if I were a bitch and a bitch, the way I can be now, I would tell myself, Yulechka, you don’t need to tell men anything about other men. It is enough just to remain silent or giggle. They will figure everything out themselves. And what is. And what is not there. Their imagination is quite wild. The owner's instinct is in full bloom. They are very animals, much more than us, I remind you once again that they have competition and hierarchy. Therefore, I guarantee you that your husband, who has left for another woman, is looking over his shoulder just in case - has anyone taken his place and, just in case, is there room in the glass for his toothbrush? Are the doors open? what if?
Dear girls, I am truly faithful and good. And I had this place in my glass for a very long time. Then I was 6 years and 3 novels younger than I am now. Now I have learned to close these doors very quickly, without fear of pinching my balls. And the doors are iron, and I close them with a decisive hand. For years of waiting are the worst thing that can happen to us, because our beauty fades with age, and our soul becomes callous. But the most important thing is that then I didn’t understand how I could stop loving him, and then I didn’t understand how it was that he was another man...
And other men - wonderful, good, who blow your mind and your temperature goes through the roof, who will not offend you, will want to marry you immediately, will treat your hamster and your work with understanding and attention - and in the end, men whom you can to adore and die from them in bed - eat them. I tell you this with an Odessa accent and very confidently. The world is full of them. They are not married. They are beautiful. They are ready to do a lot for you.
At some point, I bravely just followed this road. Dear woman who chose loneliness instead of a broken marriage. They threatened me that there would be dangers along the way: no money and no men. They said that they would have to work hard and a lot, but the men were all drunk or all married.
I had to work hard and a lot, but at a job I loved, and I’ve been enjoying it for six years. And drunken people or married men I've never met one. And I didn’t observe any shortage either: the world is full of beautiful free men.
You see, I ended up with an anthem for other men. To other Men - as a class. Do not believe sad young ladies who prophesy famine and pestilence in this area, citing statistics. All restrictions are in our heads.
And as soon as I took my breath away from freedom, as soon as I saw the shining prairies with whole herds of wild mustangs... then my life immediately turned around and my ex-husband returned to me.
I can’t tell you anything about the division of property, or about his marriage to someone else - simply because I had nothing of this and have no experience.
I can’t say anything about the war with relatives or rivals - because his relatives still love me, and then they immediately took my side. But I never saw my rivals.
I just want to tell you - don't be afraid of anything. Even if you are 56, you still have a great opportunity ahead of you to finally see Paris in the company of your beloved girlfriends and get married at 60, leaving everyone hanging.
- Give yourself time.
- Don't panic that you've lost your attraction or that you'll end up alone.
- Be careful when dating.
- Accept other men's invitations for coffee or a movie. Don't be sour at home. Always tell your children or your mother where you went and with whom.
- Don't go to bed for revenge. You simply now have the moral right to have sex with someone else - and only because you wanted it.
- Don't tell your ex-husband everything.
- But don’t convince him that you are still faithful to him.
- When choosing a partner, try to ensure that he meets at least one or two of the rules listed above, and the first one is strict.
- PROTECT YOURSELF. Another man is not responsible for you the way your husband is.
- Don't fall in love with him and don't get your hopes up.
- Flirt, even if you feel like you're being clumsy. We'll have to learn again!
- Be well-groomed.
- Avoid alarmists who are ready to convince you that according to statistics, out of 10 girls... Drive them to the neck.
- Read a lot real stories with a happy ending.
- And again, take your time with another man. It took me six months to stop thinking about my husband in bed and at breakfast. I don’t know how much you will need - in any case, you have this time.
