Many people are afraid to say what they want. And that's why they don't get it. Madonna
Have you heard this story about a buttered bun and two loving spouses? It is usually told to show how important sacrifice and giving are in marriage. Having briefly recounted it, I will explain why I do not agree with it.
40 year old bun
Two spouses who had been married for 40 years ate breakfast together every morning and shared one bun. They cut it in half, and the wife gave the upper part to her husband, and took the lower part for herself.
On the morning of their 40th wedding anniversary, the couple cut and share the same bun. And the wife thinks to herself: “For forty years I gave my husband the best, top part of the bun, although I so wanted to eat it myself. So at least for 40 years of our life together I’ll give myself a gift - I’ll take the top part.” She cuts the bun, butters both halves and gives her husband the bottom half of the bun (instead of the top, which she finally decided to keep for herself). The husband, holding the bottom of the bun in his hands, looks at his wife, and there are tears, delight and gratitude in his eyes. And he says to his wife: “Thank you, my love! All these 40 years I wanted that bottom part of the bun so bad, but I always gave it to you.” Curtain.
Well, after this, the conclusion usually comes that this is how one must learn to sacrifice for the sake of one’s spouse and take care of him, as the husband and wife did in this story.
I do not agree with this conclusion! For example, I am very sad that this married couple For 40 years, I still haven’t been able to figure out what each of them loves and expects from each other. Think about it, they could have eaten their favorite part of the bun for the past 40 years in a row (without harming their marriage)! Why didn't they share what they really expected from each other? Why didn’t they speak sincerely about their desires? Why do they find out about what they love? close person, accidentally?..
I hope this story is not about you and that you are ready to learn your spouse's love language and help him learn to love you the way you really want him to. A harmonious relationship with a husband is very important for women who want to change the world for the better. After all, if you are loved and your vessel of love is full, then you have a huge resource for loving and serving the people around you. This is why it is very important to teach your family to love you, to give love to you too, and not just accept it from you.
My following law of influence for strong women will help you with this:
FIGURE OUT FOR YOURSELF WHAT DO YOU NEED MOST. THEN YOU CAN GET THIS FROM YOUR LOVED ONES
To make it easier to teach your husband to love you your way, I would like to suggest the following algorithm:
- STEP #1: Start loving first! Learn your husband's love language and start using it regularly. Fill the vessel of your husband’s love so that he has a natural desire to express love to you.
- STEP #2: Determine your love language yourself and figure out how exactly your love vessel is filled.
- STEP #3: Write a love to do list for your husband - small, specific things your husband can do to show you his love.
- STEP #4: If your husband is positive, give him this list and discuss it together. Tell your husband about the features of your love language. Ask your husband to use your love language.
- STEP #5: If your husband is negative, start regularly asking him for just one thing from your list. Select one item, formulate a polite request and ask.
- STEP #6: If your husband agreed and did something for you in your love language, immediately and very emotionally praise him. Let him know that he got into the top ten and that he is just super great. No matter how well your husband fulfills your request (or does not fulfill it at all), he is still slowly learning your love language, and this is exactly what you need!
- STEP #7: If your husband refuses, don’t be upset! Continue to fill his love tank and ask again for other acts of love on your list.
- STEP #8: Analyze your husband's reaction to your request. Try to understand why he didn't complete it. Try to make it easy for your husband to do something for you in your love language.
Be friendly and attentive, because you are helping your husband learn your love language, and this is not at all easy. The maximum period for waiting for results from your actions is six months. Therefore, be determined to work hard and do not give up, even if it seems that there is no result. Everything will happen, but not right away!
Don't give up and take action! What goes around comes around, and love will always bear fruit, there are no other options.
Exercise
Your task for today. Answer the questions: How exactly is your love vessel filled? What specific actions of your loved ones convey their love to you? Make a list of loving things to do for your husband (ideas of things your husband can do to express his love to you in your love language). I look forward to your answers and questions in the comments!
My husband criticizes me all the time and gives me instructions - in absolutely all areas of life, from when to change the baby's diaper and in what order to clean the house - to how I should understand the Torah and how to speak about the characters of the Tanakh. I have a feeling that he wants me to be a robot and not a living person. Any of my attempts to defend myself turn against me - when I say that I don’t like criticism, he accuses me of criticizing me. When I say that I am tired of his instructions, he gets offended and says that these are not instructions, but good advice based on the fact that he clearly sees how best to act in a given situation. And there are a hundred such situations when he sees clearly - every day there are a hundred of them... We have been married for 3 years, we have two children - but I feel that I simply cannot do this anymore. I don’t feel like either a housewife or a full-fledged mother - because about every little thing (bathing a child in the pool today or waiting after a runny nose) I have to call him and ask permission - otherwise there will be a scandal in the evening. Our family life under threat. Help! R.
Good afternoon We have this situation - my husband works, I’m at home, my main job is two small children, and I also work from home 2 hours a day. But I feel that I would also like to work as a babysitter, in addition to working on a computer. Because I feel that by working as a babysitter, I could be better fulfilled professionally. The husband is against it. He says this: “You do what you want, but I’m against it. You don’t have time to do the housework anyway.” It's true, I can almost never keep the house to the level of cleanliness that suits my husband. Now the question. Do I understand correctly that according to the Torah I must agree with my husband’s decision and not take on additional work, because 1) the husband is a king, 2) the wife’s responsibilities lie primarily in the area of home and children and therefore, if the husband is not happy, how I'm dealing with this, then he's right that he doesn't want me to take on extra work. R.
Postponed Postponed Subscribe You are subscribedTziporah Haritan answers
Dear R.,
I’m answering both of your questions together, because... they are connected.
It is very difficult to live with a person who constantly criticizes, teaches how to live correctly, gives valuable instructions, expects them to be followed, etc. But, as you yourself write in your letter, he does not perceive his behavior the way you perceive it, but, apparently, believes that you are not coping with your responsibilities well enough, and wants to help you cope with them better. It is very likely that he is a person who was brought up in this spirit, i.e. his parents constantly made comments on any occasion, and he is convinced that this is the way to teach a person to act correctly.
I think in your case it is absolutely necessary to seek help from a family psychologist or consultant. And, if necessary, motivate this by the fact that you need to overcome touchiness. And since this problem also bothers him, you will look together for how to solve it correctly. In this case, I believe he will be taught what to say, what not to say, and how to say it. If he does not agree to this, go yourself in order to learn how to respond to these endless comments and reduce their number. As for working as a babysitter, since your husband does not completely prohibit, but leaves the decision to you, I would think: perhaps a job that you like will become a motivation for you to cope better with household responsibilities. In addition, I would check with my husband what specific points bother him. Because sometimes we put in a lot of effort in one area, but we are expected to do something else, and we don't even know it. Let me give you an example. One of my friends told me that her husband constantly came home at yom shishi(Friday) and said with a sigh that “again nothing was done on Shabbat.” She was terribly offended, because although the work was not finished yet, a lot had been done. In the end, she asked her husband: what should be done? And it turned out that what worries the husband most is that he white shirt, in which he goes to prayer, will remain unironed. Since then, she begins preparing for Shabbat by ironing a shirt and has no more complaints.
If your husband is a super-pedantic person who expects from you perfection in managing household, then again, I think only a conversation with a family consultant can help. Because the consultant will help him see what your strengths and weaknesses as a housewife and how difficult or almost impossible it is to achieve absolute order with three small children.
As for your duty to obey your husband, then, indeed, if the husband is categorically against something, the wife should not do it. But if he has objections, and in principle he is ready to accept your decision, then you can do what you think is right. The fact that your first responsibility is caring for your husband and children is certainly true, but you need to check whether what you want to do will really turn out to be an additional obstacle, or, on the contrary, as I wrote above, a motivation. If you feel that this might motivate you, try to convince your husband or at least agree on a trial period. Let's say: let's see for three months how this affects what is happening in the house.
And finally, about the fact that you are calling for help because you are tired and your marriage is falling apart at the seams. I assume that in your endless arguments and bickering about how to behave, everyone already clearly knows every remark of the other side. It is quite possible that your husband has the feeling: you do not respect him enough and do not listen enough to his opinion (and in such cases, conversations always begin about who is the king and ruler in the family according to the Torah). And you have the feeling, as you write, that someone is programming you, trying to subjugate you to their will, etc. Therefore, everyone says the same things again and again, and the same scenes and insults are repeated. Sometimes it helps a lot to make slight changes to the script. Those. follow some of his “instructions” (in your opinion) or “useful advice” (in his opinion), and then say: “Thank you, it really turned out well.” Sometimes one such change can undo twenty more." useful tips"during the day, because the husband will feel that he has been listened to. Again, in order to find the strength to do this, you need psychological assistance and support. But I think that if you want to save your marriage, then it’s simply impossible to continue as you are now. Therefore, I wish you to find the strength and means to receive constant psychological support and use it to improve family relationships.
With respect and best wishes, Tziporah Haritan
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Question for a psychologist:
Hello! I'm 27, married for almost 7 years. There is a child three years. Lately, my husband and I have been having constant conflicts for the same reason: he finds fault with many of my actions and actions, and begins to talk long and tediously about what I should have done in this or that situation, what I did wrong. My reaction to this: violent protest, I’m trying to justify myself, to prove to him that I did the right thing (from my point of view). But he NEVER admits he is wrong; in the vast majority of cases, the argument ends with me running out of arguments, and I nullify everything (I get tired of bickering). My husband gets angry and accuses me, supposedly he wants to help me, teach me, make my life better and easier, but I resist, become hysterical and want to fight. In his mind, I should react calmly to such comments and follow them. Let me give you an example of a quarrel: we get out of the car late at night, it’s dark outside, I don’t notice a drunk man and bump into him. For a couple of seconds I can’t understand what’s happening, I just stand there, my husband pulls me aside. Let's go. He begins to lecture: you haven’t analyzed the situation, you don’t see anything around, you could have figured out that it was dark, that there was a bar nearby and looked around more carefully. I’m telling you this so that next time you’ll think ahead and this won’t happen again. I am internally angry and say that this situation is not worth talking about at all, he is offended that I do not listen to his “good” advice. And this is repeated time after time, most often the reason for the remark is some kind of nonsense (in my opinion), where he could well remain silent. I have a hard time withstanding criticism addressed to me, especially systematic criticism. Kind words and you won’t get any praise from him (maybe this would somehow balance the situation). What to do during a brewing conflict, how should I react? Suppress yours negative emotions At such moments I can't. I understand that my husband will not stop teaching me, I want to somehow change my attitude towards this.
Psychologist Lyudmila Pavlovna Sviridova answers the question.
Hello, Evgenia!
Evgeniya, try not to get lost in emotions, but to play along with your husband, that you are pleased with his concern for you, that you listen to his recommendations, but when there are too many of them, it is difficult for you to rebuild yourself in everything. Take this as a game too, so that it happens with ease; you will know in yourself that such tactics will allow you to save your relationship and family. A woman’s wisdom lies in her flexibility, her ability to smooth out rough edges, create an atmosphere of peace and psychological safety. Of course, this comes with age, but the main thing is to know where to head. It’s not for nothing that the wife was called the “neck”; ultimately, she controls the head, but in such a way that it does not look like manipulation, but happens naturally, with love. Think about your reaction to criticism, why it hurts you so much, most likely it comes from childhood. Somewhere in your upbringing there was a kink, or you were often criticized, or, on the contrary, you were only admired and praised, thereby not developing immunity to other relationships. Humor is a very good way to cope with anger reactions. In every situation, if you look at it from a different angle, you can find something funny. This way you can avoid the conflict and defuse the situation. Monitor your reactions, turn on awareness - this is the ability to look at yourself from the outside and understand what I really want: to be right or harmony and peace in the family? That's what I wish for you!
There is an old, somewhat obscene, but quite informative anecdote about what kind of wife a man considers ideal: at home - a mistress, at a party - a lady, and so on.
1. How to treat the farm?
What is meant by a good housewife? Naturally, comfort and order in the house, a full lunch, a hearty breakfast are the norm. But a woman who is bogged down in housework and has forgotten about herself is unlikely to command respect.
In order not to turn into an unpaid servant and at the same time perform the functions of a homemaker, you need to learn how to properly manage a household.
The art of housekeeping lies in the wise use of time and energy. The end result is important to a man, so if it is possible to use simplified technologies in preparing dinner, it is better to use them.
Purchase some products in the form of semi-finished products, use all kinds of blenders, mixers, and multicookers. Cleaning will be much easier in a properly organized space with a logistically thought-out storage system. Plastic windows are much easier and faster to clean than wooden windows with two frames, automatic washing machine Can be washed at least every day, depending on the settings. And a wife who is not focused on doing routine work will not be associated in her husband’s eyes with free service.
2. Where are the boundaries of personal space?
A wife should always have time for self-realization and self-improvement. It is necessary to delineate the territory from the first days of marriage. Even if a woman does not work but takes care of her children, she should have time to do what she loves, even if it is communication on forums on the Internet. Positioning yourself as an individual with a specific set of responsibilities, and not just a married wife, will make it clear to your husband that you cannot treat her with property.
3. How to behave in the world?
Family outings are a kind of test. In the company of strangers, a woman has a unique opportunity to demonstrate her exclusivity. Nothing increases a man's self-esteem more than admiring glances directed at his woman. A woman has the power to demonstrate her intelligence, charm or other character traits. When visiting, it is not necessary to be near your husband; on the contrary, it is better to slightly distance yourself from each other. You can even allow light flirting, the result of which will be turning to your husband as the only acceptable option for attention. The situation will be especially advantageous when the wife charms the boss at a corporate party.
4. Whose merits are more important?
In modern families, it often happens that the wife has a higher social status and career growth. In this case, the husband's respect cannot develop automatically. Moreover, a more successful wife can cause numerous complexes in her husband. A wise woman will build relationships in such a way that the husband will be proud of his wife’s achievements. To do this, it is necessary to emphasize in every possible way the dignity of the husband as a specialist in his field, and not to emphasize superiority.
Respect in the family will be a wonderful addition to love. Love takes on calmer forms over time, and respect can only intensify over the years, creating a strong foundation for marriage. And most importantly, respect must be mutual. If the wife does not respect her husband, but the husband appreciates her, there will be an imbalance in the relationship, which ultimately will not lead to anything good.
