Jealousy- a sign of love or, conversely, mistrust? And how to deal with this harmful feeling that has destroyed more than one marriage? Psychologist tells Lilia Akhremchik.
- You often hear that jealousy is a sign of love. What do you think: love really doesn’t exist without it?
Unfortunately, even the classics have not decided on the answer to this question. Some of them believed that love begins with jealousy, others that love without jealousy is impossible, and still others believed that jealousy is firewood for the fire of love. I prefer the statement that “ a person is not jealous when he loves, but when he wants to be loved" Jealousy is a sign of both love and distrust towards the other half at the same time. But to a greater extent Jealousy is still a sign of insecurity that you are loved, that you deserve this strong feeling, as well as self-doubt (in your beauty, intelligence, kindness, exclusivity). And jealousy also means insecurity that you can control your life, everything that happens to you in it. The most important thing is that we are jealous of our partner, it is not his fault, because mistrust is not his feeling, but ours. What prevents us from completely trusting our “other half”?.. There can be many reasons for this. Among them are previous psychological traumas, possibly family histories. In any case, you need to think about what destroyed the ability to trust your loved one.
- The “other half” is jealous. What needs to be done? And is there anything that can be done in this case?
Give your partner the confidence that you need him, that you love him very much, the degree of spiritual intimacy at which he will not have thoughts about the possibility of your betrayal. Give him self-confidence! And this can be done with the help of psychological “strokes” like: “ You are my best», « I appreciate you so much, you do so much for me», « You are very good husband(wife)», « I'm proud of you" and so on. Show your partner your love: do it for him romantic dinners that will turn into the same nights, prepare gifts and surprises. And here, by the way, it’s not a matter of price, but of your attitude towards a person: for example, a paper heart with a gentle signature, placed in the pocket of his clothes, can provide him good mood for the whole day and give him confidence that you are constantly thinking about him.
And of course don't give reasons for jealousy. For example, I often hear women say with tears: “ He, the scoundrel, was jealous of me for no reason, and I just politely said goodbye to my classmate. So what if we kissed our school friend on the lips?" Or another example: the “other half” saw a rather piquant SMS message from a work colleague, and the wife explains: “ Oh, we joke like that with our colleagues!“Your partner perceives such cases as the advances of another person, which, of course, is unacceptable. Therefore, beware of rash actions, have pity on the heart and feelings of the “other half”. If the courtship of other women (men) is a game for you, you must keep in mind that your regular partner may have his own ideas about the role he should play in such games, and they may not coincide with your ideas on this account. If you play with fire, then prepare for the consequences..
But I also want to focus on the fact that we can influence another person or change him as much as he himself allows us. Therefore, you can convince your “other half” of your love as much as they want to believe you. If jealousy goes beyond all permitted limits, then the steps must be different.
- How to distinguish an “ordinary” jealous person from a “pathological” one?
To do this, in my opinion, is very simple: if there are reasons and the “other half” is jealous, it means that the partner is psychologically normal, but when he jealous without reason - this is a pathology. And in this case, exemplary behavior loses all meaning, since the jealous person will still find his own explanation for any of your actions. And this is already a disease. If psychologically healthy person is able to control any manifestations of his jealousy, then a pathological jealous person cannot do this: jealousy completely overshadows his consciousness, goes ahead of any of his thoughts and assessments. And then it begins: “ Who are you dressed like that for? Who was smiling like that? Why did you come home from work 5 minutes late?“Jealousy in this case becomes an obsession. It is very difficult, almost impossible, to cure such a pathology. Do not reassure yourself that your goal is to become a savior for such a person. So you only have one thing left to decide: Are you ready to constantly play the role of a victim?.. If you are able to come to terms with this situation, then save the relationship, but if the role of the victim is not for you, think about another partner.
- And if outwardly everything is fine: the husband loves and provides for the family, but at the same time the woman seems to be trapped in a golden cage? Do I need to break out of it?
We cannot decide this for a woman. They play a big role in this. For example, her husband doesn’t want her to work?.. So, maybe she herself doesn’t really strive for this. IN beautiful dress doesn’t even allow her to take the dog for a walk?.. So, maybe in this case she should just invite her friends home and show off her dresses there! Does he constantly check his mobile phone?.. If it is expensive and beautiful, then let him check it! It follows from this that everything depends on what a woman can put up with and what she can’t, what suits her and what irritates her. After all, if the cage is not golden and constant control on the part of the husband causes irritation and is perceived as an insult, then, apparently, you need to think about changing your partner.
Every woman has her own limit, beyond which the partner’s jealousy is no longer perceived as love, but as the very last degree of humiliation. You need to have a good idea whether you have crossed the Rubicon in this sense or not... And only in this case make a final decision.
- Should a woman “close her eyes” when her husband is so jealous that he starts beating her? Do you agree with the saying “hitting means loving”?
If the husband beats, then one day he might kill. And jealousy is not an excuse for murder.
I'm sure: in the head psychologically normal person there should be a block on killing a partner. If a man or woman has crossed this border, then it means mental disturbances occurred. Agree, this is not normal: he loved you so much that he beat you and killed you? Or did he love so much that he constantly caused pain and suffering?
Love is when you try to make your “other half” feel good, not bad or hurt. If a husband beats his wife, then this indicates his personal fears and insecurities. And he is afraid, first of all, of being abandoned.
If a woman does not give reasons for jealousy, and a man is jealous and hits, then this can only be explained by the fact that he mentally ill. If there were reasons, then in this case there is no point in beating. After all, betrayal is already an indicator that the relationship is collapsing, if there is anything left of it at all. If one of the partners stops loving, then hit or don’t hit - but you can’t return the old feelings.
Is it necessary to say goodbye to a man who is so jealous that he starts hitting?.. It depends on the scenarios that have been established in this family. For example, one client told me: “ But when we make up with him, we have such sex!" This is already an obvious scenario for the relationship between partners. He hits her, she feels guilty. Then he asks for forgiveness on his knees, she forgives. And again he strikes. He is a sadist, she is a masochist, and the two of them have an interdependent relationship that can last a lifetime. It is possible as a scenario provocative behavior on the part of a woman when she subconsciously does something that causes aggression in her partner. When a woman behaves in an exemplary manner and does not understand why she found herself in such circumstances, the first thing I ask her is: “ Why don't you love yourself so much?“A woman who has come to terms with the fact that her partner is so jealous of her that she considers it possible to raise her hand seems to be broadcasting to the world that she can be beaten. Perhaps this comes from her parental family, where her father beat her mother, and she suffered. One way or another, but if a man hits, this is already an unhealthy relationship and the woman in this case is definitely at risk. And she has only two ways out of this situation - to continue to play the role of the victim or to fold her things and leave.
Wait, what are you afraid of?! What consequences?! What will beat you half to death? So we need to come up with ways of retreat. You still have acquaintances and friends. friends, after all.... So you call one of them using the left SIM card (issued at a mobile phone store in 15 minutes) and tell everything in detail, or even better, write an SMS. Then you collect the most necessary things (passport, documents, money (it’s better to transfer it to a card) and a couple of changes of underwear) and one fine day you don’t come home, but go to see friends (it’s better if you are accompanied). And you sit there completely calmly, moving away from everything that happened. If there is a beating - there is an injury - take it off and write a statement. The application is a guarantee of your safety. Then you talk (preferably on the phone) and you say - I’M LEAVING YOU, WE’RE LEAVING YOU. And you immediately hang up. And you don’t need to listen to reasons and explanations, and you don’t need to believe that he will improve. PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE. Another aspect - if the apartment in which you live with him belongs to you - you bring two or three strong and serious friends (and in general as an option for a local police officer) and ask him to pack his things and leave your apartment and never appear here again. And it’s better if friends and neighbors are also present. don’t be afraid to talk about your problem, people are not as evil as they seem, and many are ready to help you. But it’s difficult to do this through a monitor. YOU YOURSELF must decide what you want next) If you want to break up with him, go for it. notify everyone that they are beating you, threatening you with violence, limiting your freedom, record a couple of fights and threats on a voice recorder (available in most modern mobile phones), film the beating, be sure to photograph everything and don’t sit and wait for him to improve. There are mental deviations here. Perhaps someone abandoned him as a child, he had a bad relationship with his mother, or his first love was unhappy, and he takes it out on you.... Don't let him get close to you. Scream, yell, behave inappropriately (it’s better to be considered a fool than to be found dead) and at first try not to be alone. and most importantly, don't be afraid to hurt his feelings. and don't be afraid that he will do anything to himself. He won’t do anything to himself, he loves HIMSELF too much. Do you want to become disabled at the age of forty? REMEMBER - ONCE HE BREAKS YOU INNERLY AND YOU STOP ALL ATTEMPTES TO BREAK AWAY FROM HIS SUBMISSION - EITHER HE WILL LEAVE YOU (children don’t play with broken toys, and men are very similar to children) or he will leave you as a whipping toy and begin to hit you like a punching bag. WANT?!
I’m telling you this not just as an anonymous person on the Internet, but as a person who experienced domestic violence. And I was only seventeen years old then. No, I wasn’t a wild girl, I didn’t hang out in clubs or hang out in back alleys. I just fell in love with a boy who was 21. Sweet, polite and kind in front of everyone, he even charmed my parents. He had only one problem - jealousy. He was jealous (and out of nowhere) - I endured it. then he hit. and again. and more. I didn’t tell anyone anything, I wanted to fix everything myself.....
The insight came to me when I woke up after three days of oblivion (although it was rather some kind of strange state between sleep and reality which I don’t remember) in the hospital, with a bandaged head, a hematoma on my face and broken internal organs. he hit my head on the radiator, kicked me in the solar plexus, and when I lost consciousness, he simply closed the door and left. I don't even remember calling best friend, how they tore a cheap Chinese door off its hinges, how they took me in a car to the hospital and poured mineral water on me to wash away the blood. Apparently, the subconscious blocks terrible memories. they told me this once and in general outline so that there is no memory loss. And then I learned to walk for three months, overcoming the pain, lived on pills, missed a wonderful summer, and that’s when. with seven stitches on my head, I realized that I love and respect MYSELF more than someone’s desire to make me a house slave with the functions of a punching bag.
Foreshadowing questions - no, he was not imprisoned, or even registered. He received a much more terrible revenge than communicating with law enforcement officers. I called his parents and told them everything. They visited me in the hospital and we talked. After this, his father does not communicate with him at all, and his mother is still horrified and cannot find an excuse for this act, and blames herself for everything (they spoiled her son). He is forced to live without communication with his father and looking at the suffering of his mother (who would like to forgive and forget), but dad does not allow it. He only came to me once to ask for forgiveness, but I became hysterical (I had just left the hospital) and his face was broken. the attempts stopped.
I have long since recovered, am in a relationship and happy, but I am still scared by sudden movements or a raised voice. This, I believe, will last for the rest of my life.
So, dear author, judging by the photo you are beautiful. Don’t let yourself be ruined by some asshole, a tyrant with complexes and the makings of a boxer. You will find something better for yourself, believe me) I sincerely wish you good luck and making the right decisions) And of course love!
Beat his wife half to death, cut off his wife's hands with an ax, threw acid in her face because of jealousy- these are the terrible reports about domestic violence that we regularly learn from various media sources. And we are horrified...
Every year in our country out of jealousy Up to 1,000 murders are committed, of which 990 are murders by husbands and wives. It is generally accepted that murders due to suspicions of sexual infidelity are committed either by chronic alcoholics or the mentally ill. But as statistics show, among pathological jealous people who, because of jealousy, committed violent acts or murders, only about 25% are alcoholics and crazy, and the remaining 75% of husbands are healthy.
Only a small part women Those suffering from the violence of a jealous husband turn to the police, most of them prefer to remain silent, since leaving him means for them to lose their breadwinner. Women and men are jealous in different ways. A woman is afraid that a man will fall in love with another, and she will lose protection and protection.
The man is perceives his wife's betrayal much more serious than just fear of loss and replacement. There is more of an possessive instinct and a sexual component, so the actions of a jealous man are much more decisive. Having learned about his wife’s infidelity, he is seized with rage, he can kick her out of the house, beat her... This explains the fact that men rarely forgive infidelity.
Manifestations male jealousy are different. Most often, in the captivity of obsession, the husband suspects his wife of everything, blames her, controls her, interrogates her, without good reason. As soon as his wife is late at work for 15 minutes, he immediately interrogates her from the door: “Which store were you in?”, “Why did the bus take so long?”, “Which friend did you visit?” etc. She shouldn’t mention her male colleagues at all; her husband immediately flies into a rage. If she speaks well of a man, it means he is her lover.
Of course, everything jealous people They consider themselves healthy and do not want to see a psychotherapist. As a rule, if a man once raised his hand against a woman, then it will all happen again. No amount of assurances or repentance will help. A woman who allows herself to be hit turns into a victim in the eyes of a man. How can you understand that a man is pathologically jealous and can beat you? To do this, we suggest taking a psychological test, answering the questions only “yes” or “no”:
1. If you look at a stranger on the street, does your husband immediately reprimand you on the spot?
2. If you're late for dinner, he always asks, "Who were you with?"
3. Does he often ask you about your colleagues at work?
4. Does he demand that you be with him every free minute?
5. Are you the light in the window for him?
6. Are you sure that he checks your correspondence, social accounts, things and pockets of clothes?
7. The more diligently you try to convince him that you love only him, and that you have nothing else besides him, the less he believes you?
8. Does he want you to quit your job, become a housewife and devote yourself only to your family?
9. Does he often ask you where you went and who you met?
10. You diligently hide all photos of you from him. ex-lovers, being sure that he is tormented by thoughts about each of them?
11. Is he offended that you are not jealous of him at all?
12. After a quarrel, he doesn’t talk to you for several days?
Count the number of “Yes” and “NO” answers if:
10 or more answers" YES". Your husband is a pathological jealous person. He considers you his property. By nature, he is an indecisive and insecure person, so he always doubts. Such manifestations of jealousy can lead not only to conflicts, but also to assault. Unfortunately, getting rid of pathological jealousy in most cases, it is impossible without the help of a psychotherapist. Therefore, you should avoid factors that provoke jealousy in him, so as not to lead conflicts to life-threatening situations.
5-9 answers" YES". The well-known expression “He is jealous, therefore he loves” is about your husband. His jealousy is productive. Having quarreled with you, expressing his suspicions to you and hearing your answer, he immediately calms down and begins to ask for your forgiveness. He understands that he has reasons to be jealous Despite this, it is difficult for you to tolerate his mistrust and sooner or later you may get tired of his causeless jealousy.
Less than 5 answers" Yes". Your husband does not know what jealousy is. His complete indifference even discourages you. The reluctance to take away your beloved from another is perceived by you as weakness. After all, every woman wants to be appreciated and afraid of losing her.
Question for a psychologist:
Hello! I have been dating a girl for 9 months. I'm 20, she's 19, we love each other, I know her parents. Before me, she had a boyfriend whom she dated for almost 4 years. Everything was fine until she made one friend who was 5 years older than her. She never showed me correspondence with him, one day when she was sleeping I decided to look at the correspondence with this friend. For some reason they exchanged sweet words and she always reported to him. In the morning I threw a scandal at her, why do they communicate like that? She told me that this was a friend and nothing more. She promised not to communicate with him like that again and I believed. They talked further. A month later we were at a birthday party, and she, tipsy, corresponded with him all evening. She left her phone number, and I couldn’t stand it and looked again. I saw the same picture as a month ago. She began to snatch the phone, become hysterical, throw herself at me, I could not stand it and, out of jealousy and her hysteria, I hit her on the cheek, hit her hard, and she left. The next day I came to talk to her and told her to swear on her knees that they had nothing. It seemed like everything had been discussed and she said give me a little time to come to my senses. I left, that same evening I left good people I found out that she first accepted 25 and then 50 roses from him. Naturally, I lost it again, started calling and saying bad words about her. A couple of days later I came to my senses and realized what I had done, although my girlfriend had nothing with this guy. All week I humiliated myself in front of her and asked for forgiveness (flowers, notes, on my knees), but she does not want to forgive because I humiliated her morally and physically. But about 2 years ago she ex-boyfriend he broke her nose until it bled, she forgave him. And now he says for the second time, I won’t tolerate this. She asks not to touch her, but I can’t do it - I love her very much. Oddly enough, she doesn’t ignore me, but as soon as I say something wrong, she immediately starts to get mad and hang up. When asked whether she loves me or not, she says that I have anger and hatred towards you and asks not to touch her. Tell me what to do, I can’t live without her.
Psychologist Lyubov Ilyinichna Krotkova answers the question.
Hello, Bogdan.
In my opinion, the difficulty of your situation lies in the fact that you consider yourself to have already earned forgiveness, but at the same time your girlfriend is not yet ready to forgive you. Your words: “I humiliated myself in front of her all week and asked for forgiveness.” Although what is important is that you communicate. This means there is a way to her heart, and the situation is not so critical. It’s just difficult for you now because communication has changed, and you are still forced to bear responsibility for the consequences of your actions. Therefore, it is important for you to accept the fact that the girl looks at what happened differently, and she needs more time. Considering that your girlfriend has already had a difficult experience in the past when a guy raised his hand to her, a repetition of such a situation is doubly painful for her. For her, this is confirmation that with a change in relationship, the problem still remains: a man can still raise his hand against her. And when you write: “But 2 years ago, her ex-boyfriend broke her nose until it bled, she forgave him,” it seems to me that you are comparing situations. Those. If I forgave him, then I should forgive you too. At the same time, if she forgives you so quickly, it will mean to her that she again allowed the guy to lay his hands on her and is again dating the wrong person. If you want her not to make such conclusions, it is very important for you now to allow her to be proud and reject you. In the end, your action really does not belong to the category of those that are easy to forget. Moreover, it is very important for your girlfriend to restore self-respect after what happened. And for this she really needs time. And also in order to think about what to do next and survive your action. In turn, you can continue to make efforts to make peace with her. If you persistently and confidently prove that you are sorry, want to be with her and, most importantly, emphasize your reliability and safety with your actions, she will tremble, and she will definitely forgive you. The main thing, of course, is that such situations do not recur in the future. And I recommend that, after complete reconciliation, you finally resolve the issue with the young man who caused the conflict. The main thing is to do it on time. There's no point in discussing that guy right now. There will be a time for this when you feel that she is no longer angry with you and everything has passed. Then you can carefully raise a conversation about him and offer to resolve the situation with their communication so that there are no more reasons for conflict between you and the girl for this reason.
In the Penza region, a 48-year-old resident of Zemetchino found himself in the dock for threatening to kill and beating. The incident occurred on November 28 last year at the victim's house.
The defendant, in an alcoholic stupor, out of jealousy, hit his partner on the head with a bag of groceries on the terrace, then grabbed the woman by the hair and dragged her into the house, where he began beating her with his hands and feet. He hit anywhere - in the face, ribs, head. And then he sat on her, who was lying on the floor, and began to choke her. At the same time, he kept saying that he would kill him now.
The cohabitant took the threats addressed to her seriously, was able to break free and ran to a neighbor, from where she called the police.
It is noted that the defendant has had problems with the law more than once, was convicted of theft, robbery, robbery, threatening to kill, and was also brought to administrative responsibility for beating the victim.
As explained by the press service of the Penza Region Prosecutor's Office, the man admitted guilt in committing the crime. He explained that he was angry with his partner because she compared him to other men during a conversation with her friend.
The court sentenced the defendant to imprisonment for 1 year and 2 months. But since the crimes were committed by him during the period of probation for threatening to kill against the same victim, the final punishment was determined by the court in the form of imprisonment for a period of 1 year 8 months in a maximum security colony, the prosecutor’s office of the Penza region clarified.
The verdict did not enter into legal force.
