Instructions
When a child throws a tantrum, of course, it is incredibly difficult to remain calm. Still, be patient. Remember: your baby is actively trying to understand a world that is unfamiliar to him. He knows how to worry and worry, just like adults, but he still cannot express his feelings, thoughts, desires in a civilized manner.
Do not try to explain to a raging child that it is not good to behave this way - it is useless. The baby just doesn't hear you. And an older child, even if he hears, categorically rejects all your arguments, not wanting to go into their meaning.
Do not scold a crying, stomping child. Don't punish him, don't beat him! After all, the aggressive reaction of adults to hysteria is deposited for a long time in the subconscious of a little person. And the stereotype of his future behavior is formed on the basis of the words and actions of adults.
So, while remaining calm, try to figure out what could have caused the tantrum. First of all, check if the baby is sick. Does he have a fever, rash, or runny nose? Isn't he wet? Aren't you cold? Perhaps the child is overexcited, tired and wants to sleep? Or very hungry.
If there are no serious reasons, then it’s just a whim. Calmly ask: “What happened?” Although it’s easy to guess - the child demands something from you. Or an item you like, or a sweet, or someone else’s toy. Young children often use this method to try to be picked up.
Once you have established the cause of the tantrum, tell your child in a reassuring tone that you will come over if he calms down. Baby won't stop talking? Calmly continue doing your business. You can even go to another room. But be true to your word: do not approach until the child calms down.
The most unpleasant thing is when children throw tantrums in public. Here you need to immediately take the child away from a public place. After the incident, let him be alone for a while. And he will feel: with such behavior he does not deserve any communication, entertainment, or gifts.
How does a tantrum usually develop? At first, the baby is simply capricious. Then he starts screaming, getting more and more excited. And soon he begins to act: he stomps his feet, throws things, trying to attract attention to himself.
The extreme degree is when the child falls and convulses. But as soon as you leave him alone, the hysteria will quickly stop. The child is putting on a little performance for you, and any actor needs an audience.
Hysteria ends, as a rule, with pitiful sobs and a pained look seeking sympathy. Here, many mothers’ hearts can’t stand it, and they make a serious mistake: they rush to the baby with hugs, showering him with a thousand kisses. But the conclusion is fixed in the child’s subconscious: but it turned out my way!
Remember: hysterics in children - best way influence adults in such a way as to certainly achieve their goal. If you show weakness and capitulate once, twice, three times, from now on the child will systematically use this weapon against you.
Surely every parent has at least once encountered children's tantrums. They appear for no reason and end just as suddenly, but they cause a lot of anxiety for all adults. Is it possible to prevent an emotional outburst in a child? What to do if your baby is hysterical? Adviсe child psychologist will help tired parents cope with such problems and bring harmony into family life.
Causes of hysteria in children of different ages
To learn how to cope with tantrums in children of different ages, you must first find out their reasons.
Tantrums in a 2 year old child
A two-year-old child often resorts to tantrums to get extra attention from adults. He has several effective ways: loud screams, stubbornness, rolling on the floor in places where there is an audience. Psychologists say that such behavior is natural for small child due to the imperfection of his emotional system. He still cannot express in words his indignation if his parents refuse something or forbid him to do something.
At this age, the baby is already beginning to separate himself from adults, and is also actively studying the world around us. However, all sorts of restrictions stand in his way, designed to ensure his safety on the street and at home.
The whims of a two-year-old child are often a reflection of their own physical condition: tiredness, hunger or lack of sleep. Perhaps the excess of new impressions has overtired the baby. To calm him down, sometimes it’s enough to just pick him up and stroke his head to distract him from the situation that caused his hysterical behavior.
Admission to preschool, the birth of a younger brother or sister in the family and the divorce of parents can also cause attacks of hysteria. In order to get rid of tension, the baby begins to knock his feet, throw toys around and scream loudly.
Another reason for “bad” behavior may be excessive strictness of parents. In this case, hysteria acts as a desire to resist this style of education and defend one’s own independence.
Tantrums in a 3-year-old child
Especially vivid hysterics, appearing seemingly out of the blue, are noticeable at three years of age. This period, which in psychology is called the three-year crisis, is expressed differently in all children, but the main symptoms are considered to be negativism, self-will and extreme stubbornness. Just yesterday, an obedient baby today does the opposite: he undresses when he is wrapped up warmer, and runs away when he is called.
Frequent tantrums at this age are explained not by a desire to anger parents, but by the usual inability to compromise and express one’s desires. Having received the right thing through whims, the child will continue to manipulate adults to achieve his own goals.
By the age of four, hysterical attacks usually disappear on their own, since the child can already express his feelings in words.
Tantrums in a 4-5 year old child
Whims and hysterics in children over four years of age are often the result of parental failures in education. The child is allowed everything; he knows about the existence of the word “no” only by hearsay. Even if your mom doesn’t allow it, you can always turn to your dad or grandma.
Constant hysterical behavior in a 4-year-old child can be a serious warning sign that there are problems with nervous system. If a child behaves aggressively during a hysteria, causes damage to himself and others, holds his breath or loses consciousness, or after an attack there is vomiting, lethargy or fatigue, then you should consult a neurologist.
If the baby’s health is fine, then the reasons for his whims and hysterics lie in the family and the reactions of loved ones to his behavior.
Important:
How to prevent hysteria
The best way to deal with a tantrum is to prevent it from happening. And although psychologists say that all children go through these attacks, you can try to reduce the frequency and severity of emotional outbursts.
- Maintain a daily routine. Children early age and preschoolers feel safe when they adhere to a clearly established routine. Hunger and sleepiness are probably the most common causes of tantrums. They can be avoided by following a normal daily bedtime and eating schedule.
- Prepare your child for change. Make sure you give him notice well in advance of major changes, such as the first day of kindergarten. By giving your baby time to adjust, you will reduce the likelihood of tantrums.
- Be firm. If a child feels that he can influence your decisions through tantrums, he will continue to manipulate you to get his way. Make sure he knows that you make strong decisions and won't change your mind in response to bad behavior.
- Review your inhibitions. Before refusing your child's request, ask yourself whether your ban is really necessary. Why not have your son grab a snack if dinner is late? You can avoid a tantrum by simply making him a sandwich. Don't apply rules just for the sake of rules, review the prohibitions.
- Provide choice. From the age of two, the toddler achieves greater autonomy. Offer him simple choices to make him feel like an independent person. For example, offer your child a choice between oatmeal and cornflakes for breakfast. Just don’t ask a question like: “What would you like to eat?” You risk receiving an answer that is completely unnecessary to you. Ask: “Are you going to eat porridge or cereal?”
- Pay more attention. For a child, even bad attention is better than no attention. Make sure you spend enough time responding to his basic needs for love and affection.
Let's see how to stop children's tantrums
If the hysteria has already begun...
If the baby is capricious, distract him, find out why he is dissatisfied, try to eliminate the cause of his dissatisfaction. However, the distraction method only works when the hysteria is just beginning. What to do if the child has already entered into an emotional rage?
- Make it clear that screaming and yelling does not influence you, they will not help change your decision. If the hysteria is not very strong, say: “Sunny, calmly say what you need. I don’t understand you when you scream.” If the hysterical attack is already severe, then you better leave the room. Talk to your baby when he calms down.
- Try to isolate the child at the very peak of the emotional explosion. If this happens at home, then leave him alone in the nursery, and if on the street, take him to a place where there are no other children or adults.
- During whims, always behave the same way so that the baby can understand that his behavior is ineffective.
- Explain how you can express your dissatisfaction in positive ways. From the age of two, teach your child to use descriptions of emotions in his speech. For example, “I'm upset,” “I'm angry,” “I'm bored.”
- Watch your feelings. Young children are easily infected by other people's emotions. So your aggression can only make the situation worse.
- Be patient. If tantrums have already become traditional for a child, do not expect that everything will go away immediately after the first time when you leave the room and calmly explain everything to him. To new model established, it will take some time.
You shouldn’t be afraid of tantrums in children; you need to learn to respond to them correctly. If you have already tried all the tips listed in our article and are still seeing angry outbursts in your child, seek professional help.
READ ALSO: and read a useful publication about
How to calm your baby
My son is 1 year and 7 months old. Several times the baby would become hysterical if he didn't get what he wanted. Neither distracting him nor paying attention helped. During hysterics, he throws toys, fights, and cannot calm down. How to react correctly in such a situation.
I found the answer in an article by a child psychologist Victoria Mikhailova. I will be glad if it helps you too.
Let's do without hysterics
Passing by a store window, Leva stopped. “I want that toy! Let’s go there,” the four-year-old toddler grabbed his mother’s hand and pulled her towards the entrance. “Levushka, we have enough toys at home. It’s time to eat, let’s go home,” the mother began to persuade her son. "No! I want this one! Buy it for me!” the son continued. The woman persistently pulled the child towards the house. Suddenly the baby twisted and fell onto the asphalt. Noticing the mother's confusion, the child screamed loudly and began to kick his feet.
Caprice to caprice discord
Truly, such a performance deserves an Oscar: a piercing scream, a thrashing of parents who are trying to stop the child’s hysteria and uncontrollable behavior. “All children are capricious,” you object, “you have to react somehow.” Really. Only whim differs from whim. And we, parents, should know the difference between a whim and simple stubbornness and other antics of a child.
After a year, any child mentally grows to the point of hysterics. In principle, he can experiment at any time from a year to two and a half, but usually through no fault of his own. At this age, he is not trying to achieve anything with hysterics, he simply cannot control himself. Hysterical behavior most often occurs due to emotional overload or fatigue. While the baby cannot control his emotions and cannot stop in time if he gets carried away. When you feel that the child is about to lose his temper, immediately take action: hold him in your arms, talk quietly, stroke him, simply distract him and switch his attention. If you do everything correctly, the baby will relax and the tantrum will not occur.
Hysteria after 2.5-3 years is a completely different matter. This is no longer a sign of extreme fatigue, but a sign of harmfulness. Now, by throwing a tantrum, the baby is most likely testing your strength and getting his way.
Why does he do this?
In essence, hysteria is a violent reaction of anger and indignation. The child strives to show how cruel his parents are, from his point of view, and how badly they treat him. In a state of hysteria, the baby may stomp his feet, jump, bang his fists, kick objects, bite, scratch, throw things and toys, and sometimes hurt himself. With the help of hysterics, the child tries to put emotional pressure on adults, forcing them to do as he wants: buy a toy, arrange so that he is not taken to the garden or not picked up from a walk home.
Why do children indulge in these debilitating tantrums? Yes, because they understood: such outbursts, although not civilized, are extremely successful maneuvers to attract attention. You should be prepared for your child to try this behavior on you, and this applies equally to both boys and girls. Whether or not your child throws a tantrum to get his way depends on your reaction to the first attempt of this kind. As soon as the child understands that he succeeded, that he achieved his goal, most likely the child will resort to this method again, and a second, and a third...
If a child is accustomed to regularly getting his way with the help of hysterics, then, of course, he will continue in the same spirit for many years. Until he thoroughly understands: this number will not work. So the whole difficulty is not in his behavior, but in your attitude.
What to do?
The main thing is calm, only calm...
- As soon as the child starts to tantrum, refuse to communicate with him until he calms down. Say “no” very firmly and do not enter into any disputes, persuasion or negotiations. No spanking or slaps on the head. Otherwise, the child will have an “official” reason to cry further, and you, feeling guilty, will give in.
- Hysteria loves the audience. If it is done at home, leave the child alone. Check beforehand that the “zone” where your child is is safe.
If your child is hysterical on the street, stay close, but pretend that these screams do not bother you. Yes, it is difficult, but effective. Do not react to comments from passers-by! Don’t give in, even if those around you appeal to your conscience - your child’s or yours. In the end, passers-by will pass, but the child and his tricks will remain with you. - Don't give in for anything. The child must understand that you will not allow yourself to be manipulated, and you will not tolerate such behavior. The most difficult thing in this ordeal is to remain calm yourself. Temper tantrums are terrible, so your calm will help your child return to normal.
- Wait. Time is on your side. The child must understand, and will certainly understand, that in this way he will not throw you off balance and will not achieve his goal. You can enter into negotiations only when the child calms down. Now you can hug and sympathize with the baby: “I’m very sorry that you couldn’t restrain yourself...”, “I know you felt bad.”
- Ask him how he feels. Teach your child to express his dissatisfaction with words: strangely enough, children do not know how to do this. Let the child say what he feels: “I’m angry,” “I’m offended,” “I’m upset.” Such verbal expression of his feelings will teach him to relieve tension in advance, without bringing himself to a hysterical state.
- Be careful: Don't let your child use tantrums to get out of any responsibilities (such as housework or homework). He must know that once he returns to normal, he will have to finish the job he started.
- If the child resorts to outbursts of irritation with other people, for example, your parents, teachers, relatives, babysitters, agree on a plan with them on how to behave in such situations. Consistency is vital to curbing unruly behavior.
Tantrums rank high on the “list of intolerable types of behavior in children.” Correcting this behavior is hard, painstaking work. Once you've chosen a strategy for outbursts, it's important to stick with it every time your child has one so that they know your response is consistent.
A child most often experiences tantrums from one year of age, when the child begins to show his first attempts at independence (passion for research, curiosity). In infancy, a child focuses only on his needs (for food, warmth, communication), and as he gets older, he acquires desires as more conscious needs. But the perception of time at this age is still imperfect, because if some desire arises, the baby stubbornly strives to fulfill it immediately. This is precisely one of the reasons for the so-called crisis of the first year. Gradually getting accustomed to the fact that desires may not be satisfied immediately, but then, the child develops a sense of time and volitional processes, that is, the regulatory function of the psyche.
We can say that everyone experiences violent tantrums in the early stages of the crisis of the first year. But the strength and frequency of hysterics in a child, the variety of reasons depend on the temperament of the child and the adults around him. But only some people have them at an older age.
Of course, many can say that even among adults (especially women) there are many who are capable of reacting hysterically to something. But these emotional disorders are “rudimentary” remnants of the crisis of the first year, or, as modern psychoanalysts believe, an indicator (and cause) of trouble in personal life.
A child has a tantrum: What to do?
When the dad in the first example got off the trolleybus, I could only guess what he would do next. Select options:
A) will free himself from the annoying glances and advice of passengers in a crowded transport and give his son a good spanking, so that next time it will not be common practice to “disgrace his father”;
B) will defiantly throw the “hysterical object” (yogurt) into the trash can and warn (quite calmly): “If you don’t stop, you’ll never get anything else!”
C) will leave the child at the bus stop and step aside, waiting “for this to end,” while, for example, reading a newspaper.
Of course, dad’s very first step was very correct: he deprived the “little artist” of the “public” - he took him out of the trolleybus.
And the third way to bring a child out of hysterics is the most painless for both parties, and the most positive for the future emotional development child.
It must be said that if a child does break out into hysterics, first of all, there is no need to be scared, much less feel guilty. This is a sign that the baby is growing up and developing ways of interacting with the world and with the people around him. Only parents, the closest people, can help the child go the right, civilized path.
The most difficult thing for parents at the moment children's tantrums and - control yourself. After all, if an adult “explodes,” then the child will learn little good from this “lesson.”
You also need to always remember that denying a child something is quite normal. As well as the fact that a child may be indignant because of this. So there is no need to “give in” to such emotionally expressed demands of the child.
Sometimes children are afraid precisely because they cannot cope with their emotions themselves. In this case, the child needs your support: hug him, say deliberately calmly: “Everything is fine, you’re just very upset. This happens to every person." If this further irritates the child, then just as calmly say: “When you calm down, we will talk, but I don’t understand,” and step aside, making it clear physically that you will not listen to screams or look at violent movements.
So, the simplest and most complex “recipe” (but also the best!) is to ignore the child’s emotional outburst. Stand still and wait for it to end child's hysteria.
If you are very upset, quickly leave the child’s “battlefield” for the immediate fulfillment of your own desires, as calmly as possible. If you are in public place- Move away from the child, but so as not to lose sight of him and so that he sees you. If the child cannot calm down for a long time (10-15 minutes), distract his attention by doing something enthusiastically (playing with blocks, puzzles, toys, watching cartoons), without at all “remembering” the storm that just broke out.
The child must learn that tantrums and emotional “blackmail” do not bring results, and it is better to look for other ways to express desires. A child must know that he has the right to any feeling and be able to express it in a civilized manner. And the main thing is that even if this happens, mom and dad do not approve of this behavior, they don’t like it, but they love the baby himself.
If child's tantrums become a habit, this may mean that he has learned to achieve his goal in this way. Most likely, he realized that this is how you make concessions: you buy him sweets or toys or allow him not to go to bed on time. Therefore, parents should keep in mind that by giving in to these tantrums, you are giving in to a desire that, for one reason or another, you did not intend to fulfill, and you are contributing to the fact that tantrums become simply a negative habit.
In this case, you will have to stock up on patience. But, if you understand that hysterics have become a method for him to get something out of you, the only tactic to deal with them is to not pay attention to them.
Don’t be surprised if the child, seeing that his “efforts” are not producing the desired effect, doubles or even triples them. It is then that you need to gather all your strength into a fist in order not to pay attention to these screams: not a gesture, not a look, not a word.
“What to do after a child has a tantrum?” or "Prevention"
Can't make fun of children's tantrums and, much less, punish a child for them. The most difficult thing for parents in such a situation is to maintain control over themselves. If you often react violently yourself, then the child will not be able to learn different behavior. However, if you manage to control yourself, you will set your baby a good example of self-control worthy of emulation.
When child's hysteria It will pass, don't talk about it. If the purpose of such behavior was “blackmail,” then the child will understand that he did not achieve his goal.
When the performance is over, you should act as if nothing had happened, without commenting on what happened and giving the baby the opportunity to earn your favor again. If you can withstand such stress and strictly follow this rule, after some time you will notice that your baby throws hysterics less and less often.
Analyze what could have contributed to the child's emotional breakdown. If you can prevent these situations in the future, then protect yourself from repeating hysterics in the same conditions. For example, there are circumstances in which children are prone to emotional breakdowns (for example, when the baby is tired or too excited, has not had enough sleep), he may be restless and therefore more irritable, and, reacting to your situational “no,” he will respond with an unconventionally stormy scene . If a child throws tantrums during or after visiting guests, then perhaps he is too excited by such a crowd of people. You need to spend time with your baby in a quiet place: draw with him, tell him or read a fairy tale.
Never abruptly interrupt your child’s activities, even if they seem pointless to you. It takes some time for the baby to switch his attention. You can spend it together, distracting the child from an activity he likes and captivating him with what you need.
Sometimes irritation in children accumulates when something doesn’t work out for a long time. Watch how your child copes with some new task, because at first he will not always be able to do it himself (start a new car, climb the steps to a hill, step over a stream). In such cases, you need to do this with him so that he checks his strength and believes in it. Of course, you don’t need to do this for the child, but create conditions so that he understands that he managed it himself (with your help).
In a calm atmosphere, when you spend minutes teaching your child how to behave correctly during an emotional breakdown. Tell a fairy tale about the Hare, who often made a row, stomped his feet, and his parents did not understand the words when he screamed and could not give him what he asked for. And then the bunny learned to ask in words for what he always screamed and cried about. Let the child “become” a Bunny and figure out how to ask correctly so as not to shout, how to react if the answer is “no”. You can even teach a small child to name his feelings. During the time he spends constructing the phrase, he will calm down a little. Another time, let him be Bunny’s mother and say your phrase in a calm tone: “You are angry. When you calm down, we'll talk."
Consult with your child about how he would like you to behave with him when he is angry: that you hug him and calm him down, or that you step aside and wait until he calms down (of course, this should not be asked during hysterics).
And, of course, watch your behavior: do you say “no” too often? If you constantly pull back and stop the child and thereby provoke? This can lead to the baby not being able to withstand your emotional pressure and “exploding.” For every “no” and “can’t” there should be a “yes” and a “can”. For example, you can’t tear books - you can do this newspaper. Give an alternative to the child’s categorical demand, as if consulting with him, find your “no” in “yes”: “Yes, of course, we will draw in this place, but for this we will attach an absolutely magnificent white Whatman paper!”
It should also be noted that some children (as well as adults!) are infected with the “spirit of contradiction.” Before agreeing to concessions, such kids like to “rage”. After the hysteria gradually subsides, they do what is necessary, silently agree with the arguments. Treat such characteristics of a child as a May thunderstorm, after which the sun will come out.
