Each era has its own cult. There are cults that go back to ancient times and still continue to stir the minds of humanity in general and each of us in particular. This is a cult of love.
Love does not have a clear definition, and the older a person gets, the more difficult it is for him to understand what it means. Ask a child what love is, and he will definitely give you the answer: it is caring about his friends, the desire to spend time with them and share toys, it is a mother who kisses and hugs you, and you want to kiss and hug her back. This is when the sun is shining and the wonderful weather is conducive to playing in the yard all day, and then eating ice cream on the bench and laughing at jokes - your own and others'.
Children understand love more simply, and perhaps that is why they see it as great. It’s strange, because it is generally accepted that real awareness of love comes much later!
It is deceptive to make all interest in life dependent on such intense feelings as love.
Maria Skladovskaya-Curie
What is love addiction?
With age, what people understand as love for some reason begins to bring them suffering. Not seeing the object of their sublime feelings, they become despondent, cannot be happy about anything, and are desperately waiting for a message or meeting. Everything that was important to them until now loses its meaning: the abyss of despair drags in, and life turns into waiting for a meeting or conversation.But even constant presence with the object of your feelings rarely brings relief from suffering: a manic desire arises to be with a person around the clock, to absorb all his time, and - to be honest - to completely dissolve in him. At this stage, most relationships, even those that were previously quite harmonious, begin to collapse: no person likes it when his freedom is encroached upon.
The lover, of course, receives friendly support: most of his friends have experienced this many times, and will definitely say that time will heal all wounds. You need to take care of yourself, distract yourself, and maybe become an ideal in order to match the object of your fantasies. Few people voice one simple truth: everything that happens has nothing to do with love.
Why did we give an example of how children see love? Because they do not yet experience any suffering when thinking about love. As we age, society, classic novels, songs heard on the radio teach us more and more that love is associated with suffering. That it is right to experience terrible torment, because thousands have already been in our place, and thousands will someday be.
The truth is that love has nothing to do with the suffering with which it is somehow identified. If a person cannot live even a day (as many songs say) without the object of his passion, this is not at all a reason to throw all his strength into forcing an impregnable fortress to capitulate. This is a reason to start an honest dialogue with yourself and admit one immutable truth: what is happening to you is, alas, not love, but real addiction. And the torment you experience is not a symptom that accompanies true love. They are rather similar to what drug addicts experience when they are unable to get their dose of the drug.
The nature of love addiction
"Love Pills"
Love addiction is a complex and not fully understood thing. Experts still have not agreed on why some people are susceptible to it and others are not. However, there is a group of people (most of them women) who may encounter this in their life journey.
As a rule, romantic natures, prone to daydreaming and idealization, find an object that at least approximately corresponds to their ideal and themselves add to its image the necessary features that it sometimes does not possess at all. Another and, alas, quite large group are insecure people suffering from low self-esteem. Even routine compliments and light flirting can ignite them and, who is completely unaware of the power of his polite smile.
Such women are internally afraid that this last man, who will turn his attention to them and therefore cling to him like a straw. Alas, they have little chance of winning a worthy place in the life of the object of their desire: few people will be interested in a woman who identifies herself with a dog at the feet of her owner.
Symptoms of love addiction
- Inability to concentrate
Even the most important matters and problems fade into the background. You can spend the whole day waiting for a phone call, forgetting about your direct responsibilities, and your previous interests and hobbies no longer arouse enthusiasm in you. - Intrusive thoughts
The image of your lover or lover haunts you around the clock. You fall asleep and wake up thinking about when you can meet next time, you are terribly worried if the meeting does not take place, and the mere thought that he or she may have a second half can drive you into hysterics. The image haunts you around the clock: you constantly play it in your head possible options meetings and conversations. - Nervousness
Love-dependent people get irritated for any reason, especially if they cannot be near the object of their passions. This can alienate them from friends and loved ones. - Depression
Love addiction is almost always accompanied by: the addict does not feel reciprocity and falls into despair, starting to look for shortcomings in himself and trying to correct them. He is constantly in bad mood, and the only thing that can somehow improve it is a fleeting meeting or conversation.
Test: Do you have a love addiction?
“I love so much that I can’t live without him!” the woman thinks, looking at her chosen one. She is deeply convinced that her feelings and thoughts are a manifestation of true love. And there's an eternity ahead.But years pass, and the happy light fades in the eyes. Relationships bring less and less joy, and more and more pain and disappointment. The stronger the feelings, the more severe the consequences. A vicious circle arises: a man destroys a woman’s life, but she doesn’t want to let him go or is unable to.
It is not love, but love addiction that leads to such a sad outcome. And recognizing it at the beginning of a relationship is quite difficult.
Take our test and find out if you are building a mechanism of self-destruction in your soul.
Question 1: When you started dating your partner, did your life change a lot?
- A. My life began to belong to my loved one. I started spending all my time next to him: caring, protecting, helping (including financially). Former friends and hobbies faded into the background.
- B. My life became fuller and fuller, but I remained myself. I still work, communicate with friends, I have my own interests and hobbies.
Question 2. Your loved one went to another city for a week. How do you feel?
- A. I miss him, I call periodically, but I try not to dwell on his absence. I switch my attention to something else: friends, relatives, hobbies, work.
- B. I suffer greatly, I call my loved one several times every day, send SMS, I can’t think about anything or anyone else except him.
Question 3. How do you feel about your partner’s shortcomings?
- A. I accept my loved one as he is. After all, all people have shortcomings and advantages.
- B. I help my partner get rid of them. I believe he can and should improve.
Question 4. What do you value more in a relationship with your loved one?
- A. Romance, passion and good sex.
- B. Mutual trust, understanding and support.
Question 5. Have you made plans with your partner? romantic date for Friday evening. The long-awaited day has come, but your loved one called you, complained about the rush and asked to reschedule the meeting. Your reaction.
- A. I’m very offended. Why is work more important to him than me?
- B. Most likely, I will be upset. But I will try to treat the situation with understanding, anything can happen.
Question 6. How do you feel about the idea of marriage?
- A. I’m already fine with my loved one.
- B. Get married at any cost! I love my partner, I don't need anyone else.
Question 7. Are you trying to control your chosen one?
- A. I should know everything about him. Firstly, it reduces the risk that he will be taken away by another woman. Secondly, I need to give to my loved one good advice through life. That is why I often call him and ask him about any little things at home.
- B. No, our relationship is built on trust.
Question 8. Are you ready to sacrifice work (your favorite thing, business, hobby) as a sacrifice to your relationship?
- A. Ready!
- B. No. I want to be not only a beloved woman, but also to realize myself.
Question 9. Do you often make scandals and hysterics for your loved one?
- A. Yes.
- B. No.
Question 10. Your partner decided to change his field of professional activity because he found himself in another business. But he already has a good position and a high income, and in case of changes he will have to start all over again. What will your actions be?
- A. We must dissuade him from this stupidity at any cost.
- B. I will support my loved one, even if difficulties arise. He has the right to do with his life as he sees fit.
Question 11. Would you like a man to provide for you, and you don’t have to work?
- A. We need to support each other, and both should contribute to the family budget.
Question 12. If your loved one betrayed you, would you continue the relationship?
- A. A loved one can be forgiven for everything.
- B. No. He who betrayed once is capable of betraying a second time.
Question 13. Do you think a man’s friends should also be your friends?
- A. Of course, because we are one whole.
- B. A man and a woman can have mutual friends. Or maybe everyone has their own. This is fine.
Question 14: Which description suits you best when it comes to relationships?
- A. I remain myself and allow my partner to do the same.
- B. I try to be the ideal woman for my beloved: a good housewife, a passionate lover and a faithful friend.
Question 15. Are you afraid that your loved one might leave you?
- A. I am calm for myself.
- B. I'm afraid.
Question 16. Do you think a woman can be happy when she doesn’t have a loved one?
- A. Yes. Happiness depends only on ourselves.
- B. No. Without love, life cannot be complete.
Question 17. Are you worthy of your man's love?
- A. Yes.
- B. Although my man loves me, in my heart I understand that he could find a more worthy woman (smart, beautiful, sexy, interesting, caring, and so on).
Key to the test
| Question no. | Answer A | Answer B |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | 1 | 0 |
| 2 | 0 | 1 |
| 3 | 0 | 1 |
| 4 | 1 | 0 |
| 5 | 1 | 0 |
| 6 | 0 | 1 |
| 7 | 1 | 0 |
| 8 | 1 | 0 |
| 9 | 1 | 0 |
| 10 | 1 | 0 |
| 11 | 0 | 1 |
| 12 | 1 | 0 |
| 13 | 1 | 0 |
| 14 | 0 | 1 |
| 15 | 0 | 1 |
| 16 | 0 | 1 |
| 17 | 0 | 1 |
Test results
If you have typed...0-5 points
You - harmonious personality, and feelings are filled with light and goodness. In love you do not lose yourself, and therefore are able to create a happy union.6-11 points
You are in love and tend to idealize your partner. Be careful how you feel and don't forget about your life: friends and family, work, hobbies, interests and goals.12-17 points
Your feelings have developed into a painful state - love addiction. It makes you vulnerable. Any wrong step on the part of your partner - and your happiness can collapse like a house of cards. Stop and remember that there is a lot of interesting and useful things in life besides relationships.How to deal with this addiction?
Love addiction will continue until you understand that this destructive, painful feeling has nothing to do with love. It is not just not like love, it is the opposite of love, which brings lightness, joy, sows peace and harmony in your soul.
Should I go to a psychotherapist? Many people advise visiting a specialist, but you can get rid of this disease (and it’s difficult to find another word) on your own. The first step is awareness. The realization that you are holding an image in your head that does not actually exist. It doesn't matter how good the person is. He may have a hundred positive qualities, but this does not make him the God to whom you freely pray and sacrifice your thoughts, feelings and time. No one needs this, and first of all, you yourself.
In addition to advantages, every person also has disadvantages. Being in a state of addiction, it is difficult to realize that your ideal is not so perfect, but certain volitional efforts will help you understand this. So, to get rid of addiction, you must clearly understand that you want to find peace and harmony in your soul.
Look at your schedule. Maybe you don't work or study enough? Do you now have too much free time, which you have filled with empty dreams? Start fulfilling your direct tasks, find a new hobby that will require mental and physical effort from you.
By forcing yourself to focus on other things, you will begin to notice that you worry less and less about the things that once haunted you. Join a gym or take a course foreign language: Meeting new people who share your interests will definitely help take your mind off things. And success in mastering a new discipline in better side will affect your self-esteem.
How you perceive yourself matters a lot too. If before this time you were inspired by the dream of meeting your “soul mate,” then it is better to throw these thoughts out of your head. Do you really think that without a partner you are incomplete? That just by meeting him, you will finally find yourself, raise your self-esteem, be happy and live a full life?
Alas, like attracts like. Until you understand that the source of your happiness and confidence lies within yourself, you will suffer from loneliness or meet people who are ready to assert themselves at your expense. Do you really love your suffering so much that you would spend your entire life wallowing in self-pity?
Bottom line
By taking care of yourself and truly accepting and loving yourself, you will be surprised at how much your life will change. Only by becoming a full-fledged, self-confident person can you meet true love and understand that sincere feelings have nothing to do with pain and suffering.(January 5, 2012) N: have you encountered severe cases of unrequited love in your practice? how can you help a person?
The girl has been suffering alone for 13 years. She lives by this and dooms herself to loneliness.
Kostya: There are 3 simple ways. So that you understand correctly, falling in love, a feeling of attraction, is created by the subconscious. Just like other emotions. Her subconscious assessed that person as a good match - and created her love. So, the task is to deal with this emotion.
How I, in order not to suffer, began to represent the message of love in relationships
YouTube Video
Elena
better tune in for the good
Thank you!))))))))))))))
From here
Continuation: this is what I was told following the material above:
A.Your conversation today about relationships is interesting. Here's my experience. Today I was riding on the subway, closed my eyes and felt a very powerful flow of love, warmth and energy coming towards me from a person who was far away. I felt very good.
Kostya
I would say “imagine and feel.”
A.
I didn’t know what was bothering me and how to work with it, there is energy that has no outlet not only on my part, but now I realized that I don’t even need communication and it’s so great and wonderful. There is simply a great source of love and energy directed in your direction and you bathe in it.
Resonates with systems theory and the three principles
(24 Dec 2013) I thought I could teach a class (or lead a class) on the topic “how not to suffer from unsuccessful love” - a popular topic. And then I saw that my recipe is to imagine that a relationship with a person radiates love - it’s about connections, about relationships, about .
(An example about the interaction of organs as parts of a single system.) As if the liver were suffering because the stomach was not friendly with it in the form in which it would like. Then the liver would have the idea that the stomach does not love it, that it is rejecting it - and it would suffer, in fact, not because of the stomach, but because of its thoughts that it is being rejected.
And if the liver imagines that true love pours into her relationship with her stomach, and that their relationship is already radiating love, and that they both enjoy feeling it - then she would immediately stop suffering.
Letting go of (unrequited) love using phrases from Ho'oponopono
And in the end, he stood by the wall and allowed himself to look at her (at the girl with whom he unrequitedly fell in love) without stopping. At least you can take a good look at it in dynamics. And at the same time he began to speak phrases from Ho’oponopono (Hawaiian forgiveness technique):
I love you
I'm very sorry
Excuse me
Thank you
And this is what began to happen: I began to feel how the veil of love was disappearing, and I saw a living person in front of me, yes, beautiful woman, but alive, with my own interests, which do not really intersect with mine. A good, living, beautiful woman, but not as interesting to me as before. I already look at her not with the pleasure of a lover, but with interest - as at a friend, comrade, co-worker, acquaintance. With gratitude for what I went through and received with her help.
It seems that everything - this love is over. I'm moving on)))
I observe the feeling of falling in love and repeat “I love you”
I thought it was time to let go of the emotion, as I did two years ago in a similar case (see above), but then I simply directed my attention to this emotion - to this powerful, enveloping buzzing sensation - attraction...
True, no, I started to let go a little with the help of ( simplest option- repetition of the phrase “I love you”).
And this combination made the feeling of falling in love so pleasant! And not pressing. The need to get rid of this pressure, this influence, disappeared. To some extent, by paying attention to it, observing it, I transferred it from the automatic subconscious - into something well aware of my mind. And that means this emotion has ceased...
This means that I submitted his own product as input. falling in love is a recommendation for action from a certain set of programs in my mind. Observing this emotion, I made it not a force affecting me, but a part of the world (given to me in sensations). Made her, for a few minutes of observation, a large component of his world.
Now this emotion was analyzed by many programs in my mind, compared with other available information. And the heaviness and pressure disappeared, the buzzing and buzzing disappeared, and only a pleasant sensation remained.
In other words, I stopped resisting this emotion, stopped suppressing it, but also did not stupidly obey it. I accepted her, I observed her, I loved her - and she stopped meddling in my affairs, stopped putting pressure on me.
Why did I feel this emotion of falling in love? Programs in the mind created it on the basis of the constructions “here, she told you this, here you did that, here, she also treats you this way” - but these constructions were based on something from the past. By directing attention to this emotion, I created a situation where the programs in my mind were able to see a more complete picture in the now. Now there is no basis for this emotion - and it, like a pressing sensation, has disappeared. All that was left was a pleasant feeling.
Applicable to business - imagine that projects will go well
(2 Feb 2012) I was surprised to find that the same principle applies to business. You can, for example, imagine that your projects will develop well, and not poorly, which is projected by the subconscious.
Noticed increased anxiety last days When I started studying, I started writing lists of projects and to-dos for them. I read from David Allen that the excitement comes from the fact that our p.s. starts to worry about everything that can go wrong in projects. I realized that, instead, I could start imagining that everything would go well in these projects! I immediately felt better!
Don’t deceive yourself into “faith” that everything will go well, but “just imagine” that everything will go well. How can we imagine that a relationship with a person radiates love - in order to stop suffering.
Then I thought - she does what she wants, follows her desires.
Then I realized and remembered - I can accept her desires, my desires, my emotions, as in yes-yes-yes. I applied “yes to all my emotions” to this situation - and I felt joyful!
Question for a psychologist:
Hello! Exactly 2 years ago I met a young man who became extremely important to me. By nature, I am an amorous girl and before that I liked some boys, but with this man everything was completely different. Almost from the first minutes of communication, I felt almost a kindred spirit. Everything that happened in my life before was somehow erased, forgotten, and HE became the only meaning of existence. I liked his care for me, the tenderness that he told me, the way he looked at me, I liked EVERYTHING. I didn’t even wonder if he was sincere with me. Such a question did not arise, because I could not admit the thought that a person who treats me so sincerely could lie or use me in some way. The relationship developed very quickly, and soon I was practically living in his apartment, occasionally spending the night at home. Every day, becoming more and more attached, I felt how he was slowly starting to move away from me. Soon I found out that he was visiting another girl and had an intimate relationship with her. Of course, the first thing I wanted to do was start a scandal, sort things out, but when I tried to talk to him about this topic, I couldn’t utter a word. I was gripped by a terrible, panicky fear that after such clarification he would immediately leave me! I was ready to endure anything as long as he stayed by my side. It seemed to me that if he left, I would die immediately and there could be no life at all without him, so I was silent. Only once I asked him what it all meant, what he had with this girl, to which I received an answer that, apparently, should have calmed me down. He made it clear that he was not serious with her and that “I am not indifferent to you.” After this, the relationship became even colder. It got to the point that I accompanied him when he went to visit her in a neighboring town, knowing at the same time where and why he was going. I think he also understood everything and was well aware that I was not going anywhere and would definitely wait until he had some time to walk. I can describe my state at that moment in words: hysteria, anxiety, melancholy, hopelessness and great disappointment, but not in him, but in myself! It seemed to me that it was only my fault that he behaved this way. It means she’s not good enough, she didn’t behave like that, she ruined everything herself, she entered into a relationship too early, etc. While he was gone, there were constantly scenes in my head of him spending time with someone else, and it was unbearable. This entire stage of his travels lasted a month. I became nervous, exhausted, stopped taking care of myself, began drinking motherwort and valerian in large quantities, until I became stupefied. An illusion appeared that everything was fine and nothing bad was happening, I calmed down, but not for long. The situation became more and more unbearable. Soon he began to avoid me and we stopped seeing each other. During all this time, we did not have a single scandal; I was afraid to talk to him, because he discovered an amazing ability to turn any situation in his favor. Even more than anything, I was afraid to hear from him that he didn’t need me anymore. I couldn’t imagine anything more terrible. Then he disappeared. I just stopped responding to messages. Well, pride finally woke up in me, and I no longer tried to contact him. I decided to just cross it out and that’s it. I thought it would be very simple. I didn’t leave the house for a month and a half; I didn’t want to see anyone. The only thought that was in my head then was that I must return him, at any cost. That I feel very, very bad and I’m dying without him, wasting away. My mother tried to talk to me (I grew up in a single-parent family), but there was no desire to discuss this with her. Alone with myself, I cried, but it seems to me that this was more due to my wounded pride. How is it possible that I, so beautiful and wonderful, was exchanged for someone I don’t know?!! I constantly went to his and her page, watched when they were online, looked at their photos, cried and looked again, imagining what they were doing now. In short, I tormented and tormented myself with all my might. In general, the relationship was bright, but very short-lived, lasting about four months. Naturally, there is no need to talk about any love here. Two years have passed since then. A lot has happened during this time. I went to clubs (fortunately, my age had just begun to permit), I drank a lot, and preferred one-night stands. It seemed to me that this would somehow fill the emptiness inside, but it only grew, I felt worse and worse. Then I tried to build a relationship, but nothing worked, it was as if my former amorousness had died in me, I don’t feel anything at all for anyone. But every day I remembered HIM. I remembered and waited, although I had no reason to believe that he would return. All the negativity passed, he was seen, and even now he is seen as the dearest and most beloved and the only one, etc. I don't understand what's wrong! I talked to a huge number of young people, I don’t like ANYONE. Perhaps because I compared everyone to the image in my head. I just molded an ideal in my head from the person I thought I loved. But in any case, the question remains, what should I do about this, what should I do? Just recently, just a couple of months ago, it appeared again. He wrote to me, everyone is so nice and friendly. He broke up with that girl and apparently decided that it would be easier for him with me. He apologized a thousand times, we talked very openly, like never before. He said that he was afraid to trust me, afraid to be with me, but in the end, the fact that he chose her only made things worse. I don’t presume to judge whether it was sincere, but, of course, I really want to believe in it. We saw each other, walked, everything was fine. How good friends we talked, I was very happy about it. There was even hope that he had changed. But the next day we met in a club, where he was drunk to an inappropriate state. That's where our real first conflict took place. They shouted for a long time, they found out, he began to pester me, I began to have a drunken hysteria, after which he shouted again and left, leaving me sitting there. After this, in the morning I received the same messages again with apologies, missed calls from him. When I asked why he called, he said that he just wanted to hear me, and as for the scandal, it was my fault. He didn’t pester me, I got drunk and became hysterical, and he had nothing to do with it. After this incident, we communicated very little and didn’t see each other about anything anymore. To be honest, I don’t quite understand this behavior and what I should actually expect next. And the whole problem is that recently I started to dream about him very often, fantasies associated with him constantly appear in my head. When I try to drive them away, nothing works or they come back again. I feel like I'm crazy, obsessed. That I am sick and I need to be treated.
My question is the following. Analyzing my behavior and feelings and comparing them with articles about love addiction, I came to the conclusion that I have a tendency to form such an addiction, since I grew up in a single-parent family and my relationship with my mother was always very tense, only recently have we begun to communicate normally . Naturally, I cannot diagnose myself, I can only make a guess. My partner's behavior (according to the same articles, of course) is very similar to the description of an avoidance addict. Indeed, remembering all the time while we were close, I understand that he NEVER spoke about his feelings, anything definite about himself, but he really liked to ask me what I loved, whether I liked this or that, and questions of this type. Friends were always the most important thing in the world, a sea of all sorts of hobbies, and he could always talk his way out of meeting with me due to yet another urgent matter. Even if these relationships were not codependent, then let the question be purely theoretical: if addicts can change roles, i.e. a love addict can manifest himself as an avoidant addict and vice versa, then is it possible to change one’s behavior pattern in such a way that a partner from an avoidant addict becomes a love addict? And if so, how?
Psychologist Elena Nikolaevna Gladkova answers the question.
Hello, Ksenia!
In your letter you raised difficult questions addictions and relationships between people who are dependent on them.
Any addiction is the result of a violation in a relationship. significant people at an early stage of development, i.e. children and parents. For some, undervaluation, betrayal of relatives, for example, divorce or even the death of one of the parents, can be expressed in a burning need for love, recognition, appreciation, understanding, even if only apparent. For others, overprotectiveness or control from parents may develop over time into avoidant relationships with people who show affection and unconditional love. This way of building relationships becomes dominant, sometimes even conscious of the person himself. However, they do not have the strength or opportunity to change the situation, or they believe that they do not, and when there is no awareness that this is their way of building relationships with others, then the pain from such relationships becomes strong, inexplicable, debilitating and devastating, which can provoke addictions of another kind – drugs, alcohol, etc.
Personally, I have not encountered such a phenomenon as a change in addictions to the opposite: avoidance to love addiction in the form in which it is described in the classic version. In my opinion, all these are forms of manifestation of the peculiar love of the subjects, which they demonstrate in their relationships, which has developed from their life history.
However, it is possible and even necessary to understand the cause of addiction specifically in your case, so I would recommend that you start this work with specialists. And this work will be as productive as you yourself want to change established and unacceptable norms of behavior. Those. work in this direction will be effective ONLY FOR YOU. Your partner, if he is satisfied with such ways of building relationships and does not feel discomfort in them, but takes them for granted, will not change only at your request. And you must clearly understand and accept this for yourself.
I think that the origins of your behavior lie in your relationship with your father, and in the relationship not only of you, but also of your mother. What kind of relationship you had with him during the beginning of your parents’ relationship, during the separation, as well as after the separation, and in what form they were shown to you, can tell you the reason and clarify the implementation of your relationships with men. The relationship between you and your mother during your formative years also plays an important role. In general, there will be many topics for your self-research, and each of them will help you understand yourself and develop new ways of contacting others.
In my practice, there have been cases when I met people with the need, on the one hand, to give, and on the other, to receive unconditional love, and their union was harmonious and happy. But to find such a partner, you need to understand your desires and needs, understand your capabilities for such a relationship.
All this will also make you understand that you are working on self-discovery.
Love should not die in a person. We need to understand the reasons why she does not want to settle in his soul. Everyone is worthy of love and can receive it, the main thing is to believe in yourself and your strength to awaken it again.
I wish you to find the strength for a new happy relationship! And you will definitely find them! The main thing is your desire.
4.6666666666667 Rating 4.67 (3 Votes)
