Parents having several children, often ask themselves if they love everyone equally. After all, they want this, although they do not always succeed. Even if the parents are sure that they love both children equally, it will not be possible to treat them equally, if only because of the difference in age.
Statistics say that older children have a successful career more often than younger ones. Older children in the family it's not that easy. Frequent guests in their souls are jealousy and bitter resentment for the fact that they are loved less, they are given less attention, and more is demanded of them. Unfortunately, with problem of childhood jealousy almost every one faces family. What to do parents to keep friendly family?
Buy different toys for children
Need to buy various toys age appropriate baby. Explain before handing them over. children what the machine is for junior, and the game is for senior. If they want, they will exchange or let each other play. Never compare yours children. This is the most common mistake parents: one is scolded, and the other is set as an example. Complexes and self-doubt appear.
Juniors And older children should feel in family in equal conditions and bear responsibility for their actions to the best of their ability. For example, toys are removed by the one who scattered them. If you feel that eldest child starts be jealous or hate junior, then try to correct the situation. Just don't panic and do it very gently.
How to explain to children that you love them equally as much
For example, when youngest child sleeps or walks with grandma, spend some time alone with your elder, hug his, caress. Tell him how much you love him, how you waited for his birth, how worried you were. Reconsider photos with a child, play together. Give him all your warmth and tenderness. Brothers and sisters must argue. On the one hand, to get closer to each other, on the other, to disassociate. This is correct and important. And if you sometimes get nervous with everything, there’s nothing wrong with that either.
Frankly, parents It’s hard to meet all these requirements, but it’s worth at least trying. For mothers this means that you should give more often small child under the supervision of other people to do something together with the elder. Simultaneously father should also pay more attention family to fill the resulting vacuum of feelings.
I would like to immediately write that there is no clear answer. Everyone has their own love. It is multifaceted, multivariate and unstable. And yet, all adults understand by this word a trembling and exciting feeling somewhere deep inside that wakes up when we see the desired object. We feel love for children, spouses, nature, the Motherland... the list is endless. But how to explain all this to a child?
It’s difficult to even imagine how to begin to explain to a child what Love is, so I suggest proceeding from what first comes to mind.
Love is caring. Constant support for your family, protection from various ailments and problems. When you love, you do all this unconsciously, intuitively, it’s like an instinct to protect the most precious things from adversity. All this can be told to a three-year-old toddler and even shown using bird feeders as an example. Tell them that many birds are cold and hungry in winter, that they miss our participation. Children will be happy to make feeders and put nuts and bread for their little friends every day. After all, all of us, living beings, are simply obliged to take care of each other. And at the same time, you can teach your child the diversity of this world - there are so many birds and they are all different. Which ones? What do they like to eat? (Again, the word “love”!) Who do they prefer to play with? You can write down all observations in a notebook and see next winter whether the same birds have flown to you again to “winter”?
Love is compassion and mercy. Everyone needs love, especially people who are suffering and sick. Today there are so many charitable programs. For example, whose volunteers constantly help children not with medicines, but with creativity. You can join them at least for a day. This is a great way to show children what attention and help means. And that you can love everyone. And, of course, that sometimes such love heals better than medicine.
Love is support. If you have a huge number of children's things and toys at home that your child no longer needs, you can donate them. And to whom? For example, to your younger friends or children from orphanages. By the way, this is a great way to make new friends. Maybe your baby doesn’t want to give up his own, then an exchange is possible. There will always be people on the Internet who need something you don't need. But the child will definitely play with “exchange” with pleasure.
Love is a caress. And this is undeniable. From the first minutes of life, a mother shows her baby love through touch, gentle kisses and barely audible breathing. The more we do this, the more faster baby will hug us. And very soon he will suddenly jump into our arms and kiss us on the head, then on the cheeks, then on the lips, then on the hands. These are the most pleasant moments in the life of parents and baby. I suggest hugging and kissing more often. As often as possible!
Love is silence. Happy silence from understanding how happy you are just because your closest and dearest people are next to you. When silently doing anything: drawing, cooking, playing - it doesn’t matter at all. The main thing is to be together. The whole family. And give love with your actions. Words are just wind. Actions are what people remember. And, of course, children. Show through your behavior how much you care about your child. If he calls you, be there. Don't turn away. Children copy us. How we treat them is how they will treat us in a couple of years. But we love them and want them to love us too.
This is not a whole list of meanings of the word "Love". This is just one person's attempt to figure out how to explain this multifaceted concept to a child. Each parent has their own way of telling their child about Love, and we will be happy to learn about this in the comments to the article. In the meantime, I suggest reading the guys’ answers to difficult question: “What is love?”
Ilya (3 years old): “I don’t know, mom. You tell me.” To the question: “Why do you love mom?” the answer was more unequivocal: “Well, I love to play with you, and it’s interesting to play hide and seek with you, and I play cars, and I play with my sister.”
Yaroslav (3 years old): “Love is me.” Then he came up, hugged his mother tightly by the neck and asked, “Is this love?” Then he added, “And love is hugs.”
Sofiyka (4.2): “Love is caring, and also hugs and kisses.”
Gordey (4.9): “Love is when you love yourself, and your heart really loves you, its own person.”
Danila (6 years old): He was embarrassed by the question posed, but answered: “Love is when people are friends, and they show different good feelings, and are cheerful and joyful all the time. Love can be between a boy and a girl, a brother and a sister, parents and children, for example.”
Zhenya (10 years old): “It’s when a guy and a girl have butterflies in their heads when they’re together. And there is also love for animals and family.”
With love for children and adults, Anna KOPACH
*Review was written in 2015
What is childhood jealousy and how does it manifest itself? What methods exist to prevent and reduce a child's uncontrollable feelings.
Every family with small children sooner or later faces the problem of jealousy in the child. Psychologists believe that children's jealousy arises due to a lack of maternal attention and the baby's lack of understanding of what is happening to him. Therefore, if you solve these problems, then the manifestations of destructive feelings will significantly decrease.
The presented advice from experts will help solve this problem and achieve harmonious relationships in the family.
Children's jealousy: features of manifestation
In most cases, childhood jealousy occurs in children under 5 years of age. They compete with their younger brothers and sisters, dad or stepfather, trying to attract maximum attention from their mother. And there is an explanation for this.
Until the age of 3, the mother is the most significant object for the child, providing care and love. Therefore, any third-party encroachment on maternal attention deprives him of a sense of comfort and security. As a result, a feeling of anxiety and fear develops, a desire to defend personal territory, which is accompanied by screaming and crying.
At the age of 3, the baby develops an awareness of his own “I”. He comprehends his desires and intentions, learns to consciously achieve his goals. At this age, children's jealousy can develop into the category of manipulation.
Often, a mother is pleased when her baby is jealous, so she unconsciously reinforces this child’s reaction. And he, in turn, learns to achieve what he wants by manipulating his mother’s feelings.
Manifestations of childhood jealousy are usually accompanied by the following actions:
- whims, all sorts of whims that act as a means of competing for the mother’s attention;
- aggression towards a second child or adult who takes away maternal attention;
- constant reproaches that his mother does not love him enough, but loves the other one more;
- self-isolation and actions contrary to parents;
- negative reaction to praise from other children or adults.
Very often, children's jealousy arises from youngest child, dad or stepfather. Let's consider all these situations in more detail.
At the birth of a second child
The appearance of a younger family member adds to the mother's worries. As a result, the amount of time previously devoted to the firstborn is significantly reduced. He often accuses his mother of lack of attention and love for him. As a result, the older child develops a feeling of rejection by the closest person.
What should parents do in this situation:
- Seize the moment. It is easier to prevent childhood jealousy than to fight it. To do this, you need to catch the moment when the child wants a brother or sister. Children closer to 4 years old have an unconscious desire to show care for someone. If birth youngest child coincides with this period, then the likelihood of developing jealousy decreases significantly.
- Involve your child in anticipation. It is advisable to prepare the child in advance for the birth of the baby. Explain that the baby who will soon be born is growing and developing in the tummy. And from now on, gradually instill care for the mother and the future family member. Then there will be three like-minded people in the family who will be expecting the birth of a second child.
- Entrust the child to hold the newborn. This moment allows the older child to feel responsible for the baby and feel a special closeness. If the child is still too small, you can sit him on the sofa and put the baby on his lap. At the same time, it is necessary to control the process and explain how to behave with the newborn.
- Get your child interested in caring for your newborn. Very often, the older child is jealous of the mother of the baby because babies require round-the-clock attention and care. Because of this, the first-born feels offended, because his parents cannot devote as much time to him as before. Jealousy of the younger child can be eliminated if you make it clear to the older one that he is a full-fledged member of the family, who is entrusted with “adult” matters: carrying diapers, handing a bottle, looking after the baby while he sleeps.
- It's important to listen to your children. And if the older child gets tired of taking care of the younger one, then it is necessary to give him the opportunity to do his own thing: play with toys, watch cartoons or draw.
- Be sure to communicate with your child alone. You need to find at least one hour every day to spend it alone with your older child, read him a fairy tale, play or just talk.
- Maintain fairness to children. As children grow up, various situations arise in which they interact. From time to time, screaming or crying may be heard from the nursery. Most often, such circumstances arise in children of the same age who cannot share a toy they both need, quarrel for this reason, or even fight.
- Don’t immediately blame your firstborn because he is older. Sometimes it’s enough to switch the kids’ attention to any other activity. And if you need to understand what is happening, then do it fairly, so as not to blame the innocent in any way.
- Don't compare children to each other. Circumstances that involve comparison between children must be carefully avoided, especially in large families. Every child constantly compares himself with his peers, and being the last in his family at something is a significant trauma for him. Therefore, parents should in every possible way refrain from comparisons, comparisons, and not evaluate one child above the rest.
To a new man
Since divorce statistics have been constantly growing recently, the number of remarriages is also increasing. And often harmonious relationships in new family don’t work out because of children’s jealousy of their stepfather.
It is important for both the mother and her new man to know what to do in order to form a positive relationship between the stepfather and the child:
- Lay a foundation of friendliness and trust. It is necessary to thoroughly prepare for the first meeting of a child and a new man, to create a special environment so that their acquaintance is friendly and trusting. Quiet family evenings, outings, trips to the zoo or attractions will help cope with possible stiffness.
- Explain to the child, why mom needs a new relationship. For a child, the appearance of a new man in the house most often becomes a complete surprise, and childhood jealousy develops with various consequences. It is necessary to talk seriously and confidentially with the child that a person cannot be alone, and he definitely needs support and support.
- Establish interaction. It will take a new man quite a long time to become the head of the family. The pronoun “we” will help overcome the problems that arise. You can involve your child in joint activities and help him solve his children’s issues.
- Exclude negative emotions . The relationship between a stepfather and a child is a continuation of his relationship with his mother. A man must not forget that he is under supervision. The child should not hear harsh words, observe harsh facial expressions or indifferent reactions.
- Accept the child as he is. The relationship between stepfather and child will mainly depend on the relationship between mother and child. You should not remake and re-educate your child in your own way. The mother will still take the child’s side, and the balance in the relationship will be disrupted.
- Do not fight for the love of a child with his natural father. Over time, the child will understand everything, since the child’s heart is very sensitive to purity of thoughts.
To dad
Many children aged 1.5–3 years are jealous of their mother and father. This is how children defend their own right to have their mother’s attention.
What to do if a child does not let dad near mom:
- Under no circumstances should you reject a child.. It is better to prevent hysteria and involve the child in fun game with the participation of all three family members. During the game, you need to create conditions that show that the parents love the child, and at the same time each other, and no one is deprived of anyone. A child introduced into the community of parents feels jealousy much weaker and it is not so destructive. The child also feels better connected to his dad, which is important for the development of a healthy personality.
- Explain to the child that dad also occupies an important place in the family. Mom should gently and unobtrusively say that she loves both the child and the dad equally, and belongs to both of them.
- Cuddling with your child. It is impossible for dad to show coldness towards mom just because the child is jealous. Therefore, you can also involve the baby in the hugs of the parents. This will prevent possible aggression.
- One day a week must be given to dad. So that dad and child can go to the park, circus, and rides together. Let the father feed the baby and put him to bed. This helps to reduce the spirit of competition and the emergence of interaction. Father and child experience common interests, shared memories and topics for conversation.
How to react
Most parents are completely unprepared for any manifestations of children's jealousy, despite this they must realize that all sensations are dictated to a person by nature. In this regard, it is impossible to exclude emotions that arise, which sometimes cannot be explained or controlled.
Childhood jealousy is one of these healthy and natural feelings, so there is no need to be afraid of it.
Manifestations of jealousy in a child are determined by the fact that the mother is the most important person for him. main man at a certain stage of life. And you shouldn’t react violently to them, since parents can only aggravate the problem.
Even during severe attacks of jealousy, when the firstborn offends the youngest, takes away toys, tries to harm him in every possible way, one should not psychologically put pressure on the offender and punish him.
It is better to ensure absolute safety for the younger one by being constantly nearby. And you need to talk confidentially with the older child and explain that the mother understands, accepts and loves him for who he is. And also hopes that he will also understand, accept and love his little brother or sister.
The most important thing is to learn how to react correctly to expressions of childish jealousy; it is unacceptable to ignore or prohibit it. The child is overcome by a hurricane of incomprehensible and uncontrollable feelings. Therefore, the goal of parents should be to teach the child to realize own feelings, not feel awkward and ashamed because of them, and then direct them in a positive direction.
A confidential conversation can help with this, during which it is necessary:
- try to explain to the baby what and why he feels;
- reassure the child, say that this is completely natural, and it will go away on its own;
- Be sure to convince the baby that his mother loves him very much and will always love him.
- At the right approach Over time, the child will be able to control his own jealousy and accept all other family members.
According to experts, there is no point in fighting jealousy, because the task is impossible. However, to reduce the serious consequences of this destructive feeling is main goal parents.
The following practical tips will help you accomplish this task:
- First of all, you need to understand that childhood jealousy is an obligatory component of the child’s inner world. Therefore, you cannot scold or reproach the baby for his feelings, especially since they arose out of love for his mother. Instead, you need to try to defuse the situation - hug, smile, kiss, tell the child about your love for him.
- Shows of love. Psychologists have proven that for a child to feel comfortable mentally, in addition to kisses in the morning and before bed, he needs to receive at least eight hugs during the day. If there is a lack of maternal love, the child will seek it in every possible way. He will certainly keep track of how much attention is paid younger brother or sister, will be jealous of mom’s friends, hobbies and work.
- You need to leave that way of life, which was present with the child before the arrival of a new family member. However, you need to stick to the golden mean. Sometimes parents try to appease the child’s jealousy with gifts and permission to do things that were not previously allowed. This behavior will not save you from childhood jealousy, but it will give the child the opportunity to manipulate his parents.
- It is necessary to promote rapprochement in every possible way family members among themselves. Think over common affairs and joint recreation.
- You should teach your child to talk about his emotions. Very often, children's jealousy becomes hidden. It is necessary to agree that if the child feels any dissatisfaction or injustice, he must report his concerns. True, most children do not dare to start such a conversation; for this they need help. Usually the method of conversation is used - questions are asked and it is gradually revealed whether everything is fine with the child, what he is worried about at this time and whether he is hiding internal resentment.
Fairy tale therapy
This method helps to unobtrusively explain to the child what is really happening to him, and whether it is necessary to develop such a feeling within himself. In addition, the fairy tale helps to find common language between an adult and a child. Since most often they speak in different languages, moreover, problems with communication are noted specifically in adults.
Fairytale therapy is more effective than regular conversations. Fairy-tale heroes, analogies, metaphors and symbols help a child to open up and an adult to understand what is happening in a child’s soul.
It is advisable that a psychologist or psychotherapist work with the child and parents. It is he who will be able to choose a fairy tale that best reproduces the situation and formulate questions that will help solve the problem.
It is important to understand that jealousy is a stage of normal age-related personality formation. It is impossible to overcome childhood jealousy; it can only be reduced by showing your love and care. It is important to confirm words of love for a child in practice, and not to differentiate between older and younger ones.
Joint activities and pastime are also of great importance. The more things the whole family does together, the more united and stronger it will be.
Video: Children's jealousy
Divorce of parents is a great stress for a child. The usual rhythm of life is changing. It is very difficult for a little person to get used to the understanding that their family is no longer there, mom and dad will never be together. Time passes, children get used to it, accept the positions of adults, and continue to enjoy life. Parents arrange their personal lives, make new acquaintances, and fall in love.
In most cases of divorce, children remain to live with their mother. Time passes and the woman meets her new life partner, they decide to get married.
Not an easy question. How to explain to your child about your second husband?
In order to start a difficult conversation, you must follow these rules:
- Introduce your young man with your son or daughter. Establish trust between them.
- Choose a special time to talk. Do not convey the news casually; the child may doubt his importance. Tell your child the news yourself, regardless of his age. Children 2 - 3 years old understand perfectly what is happening and will react painfully if their mother does not consider it necessary to talk to them.
- Be honest and forthright. Tell your son or daughter the news joyfully. Children should know that mother's marriage is a big event. It will change your life for the better. that every person on Earth must have a couple to be happy. The baby will grow up, fall in love and leave the family, and the mother should have constant support and support.
- Be confident in your choice. If the mother herself doubts the correctness of the decision, think about it: maybe there’s no need to rush?
- Start the conversation by saying that you love your child very much. Let him know that your love for him is endless. No one will ever take the place of a son or daughter in a mother’s heart.
- Talk to your child about the biological father. Say what new husband, will not replace your own dad. Just a companion for your mother, he will become a reliable friend and support. During the conversation, do not speak badly about your son or daughter’s father, do not compare him with your new chosen one.
- Ask your child what qualities he likes in his mother’s future husband, and what qualities he is not satisfied with? Talk to your partner about how you can improve mutual understanding between him and your baby.
The new husband is the child's first friend and companion!
To ensure that the news about the mother’s marriage does not become a blow to the baby, it is necessary to introduce him to the chosen one in advance. The future husband must understand all the responsibility that he takes on his shoulders. His main task is to become a little friend, assistant, protector.
Time spent together is priceless. It is very good if the future chosen one can find common hobbies with the child. Fishing, swimming, sports, cycling - children love all this. However, you should not think that all guys are the same. In choice joint activities Mom will help. She, like no one else, knows the hobbies and talents of her young fidget.
Don't worry if your first relationship fails. In most cases, a child needs time to get used to, trust and let a stranger into his life. Don't rush and insist. A stepfather does not need to take on the role of a father. There is no point in giving advice and moralizing to a child; he will take them with hostility. Wait until the baby feels the authority of the mother’s companion’s opinion and asks for help.
Remember, the main thing for a son or daughter is the happiness of their mother!
What can you expect after the conversation?
Children do not always perceive the world the way their parents do. That is why, after an important conversation, the mother should be prepared for a response. Depending on age characteristics, such as temperament, attitude towards the future companion, the child may behave differently.
Children from 1 year to 3 years.
Most often, kids perceive the news favorably. The main thing for children of this age is the love and care of their mother. The appearance of a new adult friend is viewed with caution by the little ones, but they quickly get used to it. They trust their tiny heart to their new chosen one. Mom should know and understand that if she makes a mistake in choosing a new spouse, she will break not only her heart, but the world of her little one.
Children from 3 to 7 years old.
This group includes guys who understand feelings. They know how to distinguish sincere care from gross falsehood. Children may perceive the news with categorical denial, hysterics, and crying. This age group is characterized by negativism, manifestations of selfishness, bad behavior, and blackmail. Mom needs to remember that it is too difficult for the baby to cope with the flow of feelings on his own. Frank conversations will help relieve emotional stress.
Children from 7 to 16 years old.
Teenagers, despite their age, take the news of their mother’s marriage quite hard. The reaction may be unpredictable. It ranges from completely positive to strongly negative. With a negative reaction, one can expect behavior typical of young children.
Be sure to introduce your child to your future husband in advance and establish friendly contact. Teenage children well understand their mother’s desire not to be lonely. But they are driven by the fear that their parent’s choice will be wrong. Having proven that the chosen one is worthy of their mother’s love, the children quickly get used to him and become friends.
After breaking the news about her marriage, a mother needs to give her son or daughter time to think about it. Don't expect an instant reaction. Say that you are always ready for a frank conversation at any time.
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April
31.10.2009, 19:24
Actually the question is how? :009:
V. Rednaya
31.10.2009, 19:45
do not use the phrases “if you do something, you will be good, your mother will love you”
Praise simply for nothing, and not for some actions..
When scolding, don’t say that if you behave this way, your mother won’t love you..
I don’t know, I somehow never thought about the fact that a child can be “taught” that he is loved for something..
April
31.10.2009, 19:48
So the point is. that my daughter comes up to me and asks (She is 2.6 years old).
-Mommy, do you love me?
-Yes, of course (and kiss)
-And for what?
- No, you’re welcome, just that you exist.
-How is it?
I couldn't answer this...
31.10.2009, 19:55
I would say something like this:
Rosa Luxemburg
31.10.2009, 19:57
Why does he think that they love him for something?
It seems to me that it’s difficult to explain in words (of course, you can use the classic: “it’s great that I have you,” but I don’t know if it will help). He may smile more, showing that you are pleased to be with him, hug him, stroke his head, and enjoy playing together.
Well, be careful what you say.
But this is all theory; in practice, for some reason, everything is more complicated...
Good luck in your upbringing)))))
Rosa Luxemburg
31.10.2009, 20:01
I would say something like this:
I always love you - when you behave well, I praise and love you, when you don’t obey, I scold you, but I still love you. This is for no reason, but just because you exist :)
I would also ask “do you love me? And why?” - then I would probably better understand how to explain, based on what and how the child will tell me :)
While I was writing, new circumstances “surfaced”....(I’m talking about my previous post) :)):))
I completely agree with Inna-LIN/
April
31.10.2009, 20:06
A
There is no smoke without fire... which means those close to him often said something like: “If you don’t put away the toys now, then I won’t love you” or “All good children have been asleep for a long time” (and he is bad..) etc.
There is no such thing, we often spend time with the child and often hear that she is loved. when she doesn’t want to put away the toys, she hears in response that she won’t see them again.
Stewardess
31.10.2009, 22:28
Don't you go to kindergarten?
Elena Mikhailovna
31.10.2009, 22:41
IIIIrinkAAA
01.11.2009, 00:40
Yeah, and I hug and kiss mine, say that I love him, and he breaks out in response and says that he doesn’t love me. Although, they began to go to the garden, and now he himself began to come up and hug...
01.11.2009, 00:53
mine hasn’t asked such a question yet, but I think the main thing is not to answer that you love it when you behave well and obey, etc. With us, it’s a little on the contrary, I ask her: “Do you love mom?” She answers: “Yes, I love dad, and grandma, and grandpa, I love everyone” :)) I tell her that we all love her very much too love
April
01.11.2009, 10:47
Don't you go to kindergarten?
This started happening to us after kindergarten and I even know why, the child constantly asks if I love her, if I will love her, I answer that, of course, I love her very much and will always love her.
We go, do you think they are being told there? :005:
April
01.11.2009, 10:48
Maybe your child just needs to be told more often how much you love him and give him more hugs and kisses for nothing? For example, I tell my boyfriend 10 times a day that I love him very, very much.
We have 10 times only in the morning. while we get up:004::))
01.11.2009, 12:37
01.11.2009, 13:06
Even if you scold him, you should always regret it after that and say that you love him.
After you scold you, you can never regret it! this will create confusion in the concepts of good and bad, and in general the child will be confused about why he was punished then, if he was later regretted, in general it is impossible to feel sorry in such a situation: ded:
And so, I asked the question “why do you love me?” I haven’t encountered it yet, so in life I’m not embarrassed to tell my son that I love him very, very much, at any opportunity, and then 3 days ago, he also clung to me, buried his nose and said one to one, “I love you very, very much.” ":love: so I was ready to burst into tears with happiness :)) how cool it is, losing in outbursts of tenderness always says that he loves and so sincerely, such a thrill:065:
If he asks why they love you, I’ll say that simply because you are my son, because I have you, I don’t need anything else for love, something like this:024:
SHURUMBURM
01.11.2009, 15:12
After you scold you, you can never regret it! this will create confusion in the concepts of good and bad, and in general the child will be confused about why he was punished then, if he was later regretted, in general it is impossible to feel sorry in such a situation: ded:
but to say something like I love you very much, but you did something bad, so I scolded and punished you, is very correct IMHO
This is a statement of fact, bad behavior will not affect mother’s love
1:) you can also, after you scold, express your sadness regarding the child’s behavior, you MUST say how much you love him.. and how it upsets you when the child behaves this way.
But to the point...
