Phrases to convince a person of need. How to learn to persuade: psychological techniques

A former hostage rescue specialist explains how to get anyone on your side.

Photo: Duncan Odds/Flickr

Mark Goulston has done a lot of role-playing games over the past two years. He portrayed a suicidal police officer holding a gun to his neck and threatening to pull the trigger. The training was attended by FBI agents and police officers, whose task was to dissuade him from committing suicide.

“At the end of the game, I would pull the trigger and then explain what needed to be asked or said to get me to back down,” explains Goulston, a former FBI agent and hostage rescue specialist. Today Goulston, business consultant and author of the bestselling book “I Hear Right Through You. Effective Negotiation Techniques” uses in its trainings for managers of large corporations such as GE, IBM and Goldman Sachs the experience gained while working in the FBI.

Goulston shared with Business Insider some tips on how to get people—clients, colleagues, employees, or even bosses—to do what you want.

1. They should talk

After you've asked for something—or subtly hinted that you'd like it—stop and let the person say whatever they want. "Once he starts talking, he'll discover the urgency of what you're asking him to do," Goulston explains. The person himself will decide that he needs to do what he is asked to do, without your persuasion. If you're the only one doing the talking, people will simply not pay attention to what you're saying, or they'll perceive it as if they're being given instructions, and they won't want to do what you want.

2. Pay attention to adjectives and adverbs in your interlocutor’s speech

“An adjective is a way to decorate a noun, and an adverb is a way to decorate a verb. And both of these parts of speech characterize the emotional background of your interlocutor,” explains Goulston. After the other person has spoken—even if they've asked you a question—pause and instead of responding, respond with, “Hmm...” (This will signal that you heard them and are thinking about what they said.) And then say something about the adjective. or adverbs used by the interlocutor.

This will help you understand what is really important to him, and will encourage the other person to pay more attention to the negotiations, which means he will be more interested in helping you.

For example, if someone talking to you uses the adjective “wonderful” in relation to some solution option and then asks you a question, try to respond like this: “I can answer your question, but first tell me about this wonderful option.” This will force the person to open up to you on a deeper level than when you simply answer a question. “The more your partner opens up to you, the more closely they will listen to what you have to say,” says Goulston.

3. Encourage “fill in the blanks”

“When you ask someone a question, you immediately trigger unconscious memories of how they were once put in a difficult position by their parents, teachers, or coaches, and thereby put yourself in opposition to the interlocutor,” says Goulston. Then the person reflexively steps back.

To avoid this, insert your own questions or ask them to “fill in the blanks,” Goulston advises. For example, when you ask the question “What will you do about situation X?”, you seem to be implying: “You better know the answer, otherwise...” This provokes confrontation. It’s better to ask in a different tone - “I want to know”: “And are you planning to do anything about this...?”

With this approach, you involve the person in the sentence you say, rather than asking a question that pushes the other person to think that you are against him.

4. Refer to Positive Memories

Believe it or not, almost every time you ask a person to do something, you are triggering unconscious memories. “And the trick is to launch the positive ones, not the negative ones,” advises Goulston.

If a person associates your request with something positive, they will be more inclined to comply with it. Goulston once asked one of his clients why she chose him over a female trainer. She replied: “You are like an older brother to me, who protects me, smart, funny and slightly irreverent - and when you point out to me something that needs to be changed in my life, instead of arguing, I listen to you and go contact, because I feel love and warmth in your words.”

5. Don’t pull the blanket over yourself

A good way to get people to do what you want is to make them feel important. People are divided into two categories, says Goulston: some, sympathetic, develop the words of the interlocutor and add something to them, while others pull the blanket over themselves and either seize the initiative to talk about themselves, or try to put themselves above the interlocutor. “Well, it looks like you had a good trip to Florida. But we went to Fiji.”

The former make the interlocutor feel that his words are important, while the latter leave the impression that they are listening only in order to speak up themselves, or even to belittle the person.

For example, a sympathetic person will say: “What a cool idea! Smart and creative. We might even go ahead and do X if you think it would work.” And the one who pulls the blanket over himself will answer: “You have a good idea, but I actually already told the boss my version, and he liked it, so it’s probably better to do as I suggested.”

6. Focus on the future

People don't like criticism. They become defensive when you address situations in which they failed, Goulston says. So if you want a person to act differently in the future, don't dwell on the past. It’s better to say: “I would like to say that in the future I would be very grateful if you could do this and that, it would be very useful for the whole team.”

Sometimes the success of our endeavors largely depends on our ability to convince people to accept our point of view. But, unfortunately, this is not so easy to do, even if we have truth and common sense on our side. The ability to persuade is a rare but very useful gift. How to convince a person?

Persuasion is a way of influencing people's consciousness, directed towards their own critical perception. The essence of persuasion is to first achieve internal agreement with certain conclusions from the interlocutor using logical argumentation, and then, on this basis, create and consolidate new ones or transform old ones that correspond to a worthwhile goal.

Persuasive communication skills can be learned both at various trainings and on your own. The principles and techniques of persuasive speech given below will teach you the ability to persuade, and they are equally effective in persuading one person or an entire audience.

How to convince a person

Persuasive Speech Principle #1 – A CLEAR UNDERSTANDING OF YOUR OWN INTENTIONS

In order to change or shape the opinions of people, or in order to induce them to take any action, you must clearly understand your intentions and be deeply confident in the truth of your ideas, concepts and ideas.

Confidence helps to make unambiguous decisions and implement them without hesitation, taking an unshakable position in assessing certain phenomena and facts.

Principle of persuasive speech No. 2 - STRUCTURED SPEECH

The persuasiveness of speech depends on its structure - thoughtfulness, consistency and logic. The structured nature of the speech allows you to explain the main points more easily and clearly, helps you clearly follow the intended plan, such a speech is better perceived and remembered by the listener.

Introduction

An effective introduction will help to interest and attract a person’s attention, establish trust and create an atmosphere of goodwill. The introduction should be brief and consist of three or four sentences indicating the subject of speech and telling the reason why you should know what will be discussed.

The introduction sets the mood and tone of the speech. A serious beginning gives the speech a restrained and thoughtful tone. The humorous beginning is laid positive mood, but here you should understand that starting with a joke, setting the audience in a playful mood, it will be difficult to talk about serious things.

Main content of the speech

It must be understandable, clear and meaningful - persuasive speech cannot be incomprehensible and chaotic. Break down your main points, thoughts and ideas into several parts. Consider smooth transitions that show the connection between one part of the speech and another.

• statement of facts that can be verified;
• expert opinions, judgments of people with authority in this field;
• quotes that enliven and explain the material;
• specific cases and examples that can explain and illustrate facts;
• description of your own experience and your theory;
• statistics that can be verified;
• reflections and forecasts about future events;
• funny stories and anecdotes (in a small dose), meaningfully reinforcing or revealing the points in question;
• literal or figurative comparisons and contrasts that illustrate statements by showing differences and similarities;

Conclusion

The conclusion is the most difficult and important part of a persuasive speech. It should repeat what was said and enhance the effect of the entire speech. What is said in conclusion, a person will remember longer. As a rule, it is at the end, along with a summary of what has been said, that a call to action sounds, which describes the actions and behavior of people necessary for the speaker.

Principle of persuasive speech No. 3 - EVIDENCE TO SUPPORT YOUR IDEA

For the most part, people are rational and rarely do anything that is not beneficial to them. Therefore, in order to convince a person, you need to find good arguments explaining the justification and expediency of the proposal.

Arguments are thoughts, statements and arguments used to support a particular point of view. They answer the question of why we should believe something or act in a certain way. Persuasiveness of speech largely depends on the correctness of the selected arguments and evidence. Having compiled a list of arguments, evaluate them carefully, think about whether they are suitable in a particular case, whether they will affect a given audience or not. After weighing all the pros and cons, choose the two or three that are most effective from the remaining ones.

What should be the criteria for evaluating and selecting arguments:

1. The best arguments are those that are supported by solid evidence. It happens that a speech sounds convincing, but is not supported by facts. When preparing your speech, make sure your arguments are sound.
2. Good arguments must be intelligently and concisely built into the proposal. They shouldn't sound out of place.
3. Even if your argument is well supported and justified, it may not be accepted by a person. People react differently. For some, your facts and arguments will sound convincing, while others will not consider the arguments you used to be the main ones for assessing the situation. Of course, you cannot know for sure what impact your argument will have on the person being persuaded, but you can at least approximately guess and estimate what the result will be based on the analysis of the personality (audience).

To ensure that you are presenting a truly compelling case, you should ask yourself at least three questions::

1. Where did the information come from, from what source? If evidence comes from a biased or unreliable source, it is best to either exclude the evidence from your speech or seek confirmation from other sources. Just as one person's words are more trustworthy than another's, so some printed sources are more reliable than others.
2. Is the information current? Ideas and statistics should not be outdated. What was true three years ago may not be true today. Your generally persuasive speech may be questioned due to one inaccuracy. This should not be allowed!
3. What relevance does this information have to the case? Make sure the evidence clearly supports the arguments you are making.

Principle of persuasive speech No. 4 - PRESENTING INFORMATION AND FORMULATING GOALS WITH AN ORIENTATION TO THE AUDIENCE’S ATTITUDES

An attitude is a stable or predominant feeling, negative or positive, associated with a particular issue, object or person. Usually people verbally express such attitudes in the form of opinions. For example, the phrase: “ I think thatmemory developmentvery important both for everyday life and for professional activities“This is an opinion that expresses a person’s positive attitude towards developing and maintaining a good memory.

To convince a person to believe First of all, you need to find out what positions he occupies. The more information you gather about it, the better your chances of making a correct assessment. The more experienced you are in the field of audience analysis, the easier it will be to make your speech persuasive.

The attitudes of a person or group of people (audience) can be distributed on a scale, from openly hostile to extremely supportive.

Describe your audience as: having a negative attitude (people have a completely opposite point of view); does not have a clear opinion on this matter (listeners are neutral, they have no information); positive attitude (listeners share this point of view).

The difference of opinion can be represented in this way: hostility, disagreement, restrained disagreement, neither for nor against, restrained favor, favor, exceptional favor.

1. If the listeners completely and completely share your opinion, understand what you are talking about and agree with you in everything, then you need to adjust your goal and concentrate on a specific plan of action.
2. If you think your audience doesn't have an opinion on your topic, make it your goal to persuade them to act by forming an opinion:
   • If you believe that the audience does not have your point of view, because she is not informed, then your primary task is to give her sufficient information, help her understand the essence of the matter, and only after that make convincing calls to action.
   • If the audience in relation to the subject neutral means she is capable of objective reasoning and can accept reasonable arguments. Then your strategy is to present the best arguments available and back them up with the best information.
   • If you believe that those listening to you do not have a clear position because the subject is deeply indifferent to them, you must direct all efforts to move them from this indifferent position. When speaking to such an audience, you should not focus their attention on the information and use material that confirms the logical chain of your evidence, it is better to focus on motivation and address the needs of the listeners.
3. If you assume that someone disagrees with you, then the strategy should depend on whether the attitude is completely hostile or moderately negative:
   • If you assume that a person is aggressive towards your goal, it is definitely better to go from afar or set a less global goal. It makes no sense to count on persuasive speech and a complete revolution in attitude and behavior after the first conversation. First, you need to change your attitude a little, “plant a seed,” and make you think that your words have some kind of importance. And later, when the idea settles in a person’s head and “takes root,” you can move forward.
   • If a person has a position of moderate disagreement, simply give him your reasons, hoping that their weight will force him to take your side. When talking with negative people, try to present the material clearly and objectively, so that those who slightly disagree will want to think about your proposal, and those who completely disagree will at least understand your point of view.

Persuasive Speaking Principle #5 – THE POWER OF MOTIVATION

Motivation, which initiates and guides behavior, often arises as a result of the use of incentives that have a certain value and significance.

The impact of an incentive is greatest when it is part of a meaningful goal and indicates a favorable reward-cost ratio. Imagine asking people to donate a few hours to participate in a charity program. Most likely, the time you convince them to spend will not be perceived as an incentive reward, but as a cost. How to convince people? You can present this charitable work as a significant incentive that provides rewards. For example, you can make the public feel the importance of the cause, feel socially responsible, people with a sense of civic duty, feel like noble helpers. Always show that the incentives and rewards outweigh the costs.

Use incentives that match people's basic needs, they work better. According to one popular theory of needs, people express a greater propensity to act when a stimulus offered by the speaker can satisfy an important unmet need of the listeners.

Persuasive Speech Principle #6 – CORRECT MANNER AND INTONATION OF SPEECH

Persuasiveness of speech and ability to persuade assumes a rhythmic and melodic structure of speech. Speech intonation consists of: sound strength, pitch, tempo, pauses and stress.

Disadvantages of intonation:

• Monotony has a depressing effect even on a person who has the ability to listen and does not allow him to perceive even very interesting and useful information.
• Too high a tone is annoying and unpleasant to the ear.
• Too low a tone can cast doubt on what you are saying and convey your disinterest.

Try to use your voice to make your speech beautiful, expressive and emotionally rich. Fill your voice with optimistic notes. In this case, a slightly slower, measured and calm pace of speech is preferable. Between semantic segments and at the end of the sentence, clearly pause. And pronounce the words inside the segment and small sentences as one long word, together.

It’s never too late to start developing your voice and diction, but if you want to convince someone who knows you well, sometimes it’s better to speak in a tone that’s familiar to you, without experimenting. Otherwise, those around you may think that you are not telling the truth if you speak in a tone that is uncharacteristic for you.

Do not forget that the persuasiveness of speech and the ability to persuade also depends on a number of skills and abilities, and in particular on:

application of some methods manipulating people;

from eye contact with the audience, which not only helps to establish a connection with it and simplify the impact (read - “The power of the gaze”), but also allows you to understand how much you are understood and whether what you say is interesting;

on the ability to present yourself (if you are communicating with a stranger or unfamiliar person) and make a first impression;

from the ability to behave naturally - when talking, it is necessary to give the body a free and comfortable posture.

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Instructions

Ask permission before you start begging and cajoling. If the interlocutor has time to listen to your question. This will emphasize your respect for your interlocutor, his employment and free time.

Persuade, unpredictable. Surprisingly, this is... Moreover, it is much more difficult to refuse an eloquent and slightly impudent person. Use polite words: “Please,” “Thank you.” Always express your gratitude after you have achieved your goal.

Smile. Be cheerful, smiling and charismatic. A good mood will help you achieve more than you think. People will enjoy you, thinking little about what you say, while accepting your point of view quite naturally.

Do something for the person before you try to persuade him. Sometimes it is very difficult to refuse someone who has already done something for you. Moreover, make it a good habit to do good. It always comes back.

Show your interlocutor all the benefits of your idea. If possible, tell us how its implementation will correspond to his interests. This allows you to gain close attention from your opponent.

Try not to be obvious in your persuasion. Smoothly guide your interlocutor towards your goal. You will be more persuasive if your audience doesn't know you're trying to convince them.

Persuade, but be prepared to refuse. Oddly enough, if you are internally ready to hear “no,” then more often than not, you will be answered “yes.” If this attitude is difficult for you, just imagine what could happen if you were refused? It is enough to accept refusal graciously, because it means that when you ask again, the answer will most likely be yes.

Be honest. Honesty is a very disarming quality. If you openly admit that you, for example, ask and persuade solely for your own benefit, people are able to react to this. Sincerity is so unusual and rare that the person being persuaded unexpectedly agrees and helps.

The most important thing is to stop in time. Your opponent may find your blandishments annoying and you boring. If you are considered annoying, it will be almost impossible to achieve your goal.

Please note

Lies and exaggerations are never a good way to persuade, although sometimes they are quite effective. Remember, the person you're talking to is not stupid, but if you think you can cheat without him knowing about it, you deserve everything you get.
Don't give up abruptly and without a fight. This makes your opponent think that you are weak, and next time it will be much more difficult to convince him of anything.
Don't be hysterical and conflictual in your persuasion. Even the most whiny children do not achieve their goal using this method. If you are even a little irritated or upset, take a break, drink a cup of tea, think about your arguments. Or even return to your persuasion the next day.

Sources:

• persuade a person to do

To successfully convince someone that you are right, you first need to sincerely believe in it yourself. This is the initial rule of any persuasion technique, because if you yourself do not believe in what you are going to prove to others, your words are unlikely to sound convincing.

Instructions

Eye contact with the object of belief is also required. If your interlocutor averts his eyes, you need to do the same, in the same direction (just catch his gaze again and try to hold it).

Talk to your . For example, if your opponent is about to take a breath, you need to start speaking using reasons and facts. This will force your opponent to at least listen to you (a cultured one will not interrupt), and then everything depends on you.

Your posture also plays an important role in the persuasion process; stay straight, look into the eyes - be open to communication. You should not shift from foot to foot, slouch, look at the floor - all this speaks of your uncertainty and inability to convince.

Convincing others requires knowledge and understanding of their position on the topic. Be able to comment on possible objections and questions during the conversation, supporting them with arguments and facts.

Under no circumstances should you lose self-control if your opponent seeks to actively challenge you verbally or with gestures. Stay calm and confidently continue to express your opinion. Remember, if you show your anger and respond to your opponent using his own methods, consider that you have lost.

During the conversation, give as many reasons as possible. They can be real stories with witnesses, dates, numbers, names, information resources, videos and photographs. Facts must be presented directly, without trying to obscure reality.

Video on the topic

Useful advice

To successfully prove something to someone, during a conversation you need to repeat your arguments and arguments several times.

Persuasive speech, accompanied by expressive nonverbal components, is an entire art, mastery of which is useful not only for psychologists, but also for everyone who strives to achieve success in communication. However, even without spending a lot of time studying the encoding and decoding systems adopted in a particular society, you can use simple techniques to make a person believe you.

Instructions

Focus on eye contact. People are aware that averting their eyes is evidence of lying. But this leads to the fact that staring too closely at your interlocutor makes him feel insecure and suspect you of insincerity. Don't confuse him by drilling too much. It is enough to maintain contact, from time to time leaving your counterpart without constant visual supervision.

Be calm and confident. The interlocutor should not get the feeling that you are trying to put pressure on him. The truth should not need an abundance of evidence and arguments. The more persistent and stubborn you are, the more you try to influence your interlocutor, the faster more and more new, sometimes even absurd arguments replace each other, the more likely you are to be suspected, if not of deception, then at least of being yourself. not very sure of the veracity of the message being conveyed.

Be natural. You should not give the impression of a person who has any other goals than just communication. Even if you knowingly provide false information, try to forget about it. Maintain your usual manner of communication, especially if you are talking to someone close to you. Don't fill your speech and movements with symbols that are considered "persuasive"; they can attract attention and make people think that you have a reason for using them.

Avoid intruding into your speech words that would emphasize that you are telling the truth. This can again have the effect, at least on a subconscious level, that the person will begin to suspect you of

Offer a drink. If you want to convince a person of something, offer him a hot drink, such as tea, coffee or cocoa, during a conversation. If you offer a warm drink, a person will subconsciously perceive you as a warm, pleasant and hospitable person. A cold drink may have the opposite effect. Typically, people feel cold and crave warm food and drinks when they feel socially isolated. Satisfy their need and they will become more receptive to your words.

Ask questions that assume a positive answer of “Yes.” Start the conversation by asking questions that invite a positive response, for example: “The weather is nice today, isn't it?”, “You want to buy a car at a good price, don't you?”

• Once you get someone to say yes, it will be easier to get them to say, “Yes, I'll buy it.”
• It's best to ask vague questions, but make sure your wife knows why you're complimenting the other girl.

Break the barrier of touch. Whether you're closing a deal or asking someone out on a date, touch them casually. A light touch can increase your chances of promoting a product or service - the interlocutor’s desire to get closer is activated on a subconscious level.

• Don't put pressure on people! Try asking the person for a favor after a few weeks.
• During the conversation, try to be as pleasant as possible. If a person is attracted to you, you will have a better chance of getting what you want.
• There are several ways to look more powerful. You can wear a black suit, which is popular with judges, police and clergy, or keep a neutral face. But being dominant does not always mean being convincing. If you are a seller, you want to connect with the buyer rather than scare them. If you are a controller, you are more likely to hold people in your fist, ruling and dominating them.
• Know when to stop. There are people who are very stubborn, and there are also those who simply avoid others.
• If you commit to paying later, sign a contract and have a trusted third party be present.
• Use the same methods as the sales assistant to take revenge on him and scare him off. For example, when buying a car, have a conversation. Ask questions to which you know the answers: “Car sales are down, aren’t they?” “Guys, I think you should write off the 2012 car already!” Thus, the seller will bend over backwards to sell the product. Remind employees that their pay has been reduced casually.
• Share your opinion regarding the situation in which the person finds himself. Let's say someone discovered that they could see the future. Tell him how scared you were to discover something similar in yourself. Perhaps at first the person will not share with you a story about his gift - wait a few days. Then tell him about the famous psychic. Perhaps now the person will open up. You need to act step by step - this is often how people open up.
• Don't talk too much. Your task is to understand potential clients, not to get into their wallets. Demonstrate the ability to listen and understand so that people see that you are willing to serve for their benefit. Too many words are a waste of both yours and your potential clients' time.
• Make them think, “This is what I need!” This will make it easier to convince people.

Isn’t this the dream of every speaker and ordinary person to speak more convincingly so that they are heard?

Neuro-linguistic programming and psychology have long identified a couple of clever techniques that, when used in speech, can tip the scales in your favor, at least in terms of bringing the power of authority to the person with whom you are currently speaking or about to speak. .

It all starts with a word.

Words are something without which there is no speech, because everything we can say rests on the word. How to choose words so that your strong image is established in a person’s memory? First of all, avoid words that will reveal your insecurity. Any word that automatically puts you in the category of losers should be excluded from your everyday vocabulary, because they do not paint or present you. Why use a word that has absolutely no power and cannot serve you well?

When you say words of doubt, you don’t seem to be so much a polite person as you are unsure of yourself, because this structure of the word already triggers those unpleasant motives in the interlocutor’s head, by which he evaluates you. Any slang inserts “like, well, um, sort of”, which also correspond to the structure of uncertainty, give you away at first glance, so forget about them forever!

A confident word always begins with “I” and also contacts “you”.

How to understand this? Speak in conversation, express your thoughts so that you get a confident “I”. Stand in your positions, but not in the structure of polemics, but quietly, peacefully, but very confidently, then continuing to tell the person what you think about and what you think he should do. For people in our society, a phrase that addresses them and tells them what they need to do sounds like a necessity. People are machines, programmed to carry out someone's will in our modern world (to a greater extent), so it is very easy to find that lever that can be pressed so that a person succumbs to suggestion and influence.

Hook your interlocutor with what interests him!

Very often a person with authority, influential, powerful or self-confident, is characterized as a person who is able to give, decide or allow himself to do something. Show the other person that you can give him what he is so lacking, hook him with one word of necessity, introducing it several times, with good frequency in the conversation, then you will not only be able to convince the person opposite, but also interest him, and voluntarily, if this is your goal, to make him do what you need, first of all. Do not forget that all your words should be filled with cold reason, but not emotionality. Leave emotional speeches to Lenin and Mussolini on the podium - you have a completely different topic of conversation at your disposal, although the first method often decided a lot, so be reasonable in the conversation, then you will understand what and when you need to use in order to always stay on top.

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