My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1.5 years. For a year everything was fine, but mostly the initiative came from me. I was the first to get in touch on the Internet. He immediately supported the conversation and offered to meet. He is a shy guy and has hardly dated girls. He was 25 years old, he had his only girlfriend when she was 22, he dated her for six months, according to him, he ran away on his own because... I was afraid that I would not be able to develop the relationship further. It so happened that I am an active person and took almost all the initiative upon myself. She called him more often and always supported him in everything. We walked for a long time, he introduced me to all his relatives and friends, everyone was happy for him. It was a little difficult for him to come to our house, but then he got used to it and came more often. We generally spent almost all our time at his house. His parents consider me one of their own, I will always help in everything, I always came with gifts for him younger brother . I studied, came for the weekend, and we spent them together. We were invited together to all my and his relatives. In the spring, I received assignment to a village 150 km from home, I was there for practice, he came, he liked everything, work could be found for him there, apartments were cheap, we even discussed it. He talked about raising money for the wedding. And then it got worse... His dream was a car, all the talk about it. He began to write less often and enjoy meetings less. He stopped talking about leaving with me. He said that everything would be resolved in the summer, but when I graduated, everything got even worse. Meetings became more rare and dry. His mother started talking about the wedding and then abruptly stopped talking about it, he is also silent. In his house, the relationship between his parents is bad, his father lies on the sofa, and his mother is on her own, often running to her friends and drinking, because of this, neither her husband nor her children respect her. His sister, 24 years old, is reserved and arrogant, during these 1.5 years of acquaintance with me she only says hello or conveys something to me through her brother. My boyfriend says that he, as the eldest, has never seen love in the family, which is why he is so withdrawn. But the first year of the relationship changed him a lot. If before that he did not recognize physical intimacy, then later he liked it, there were kisses and hugs, there was rare sex. I studied in the city - 50 km from our village, and often invited him to come to me for the weekend, to be alone in the apartment, to go somewhere. He came a couple of times after much persuasion, but with reluctance, the next day he rushed home in the morning, saying that he somehow felt uneasy. And since the summer, our relationship has become even drier. Kissing and hugging are generally rare, the desire to be alone is also rare, I almost stopped calling, became more irritable, stopped talking about the future. I also began to wait for his initiative, but there was almost none. I am offended by his inattention, but he remains silent or is offended that I reproach him. He doesn’t come for several days, and then he says that I could come myself, as happened before. When we meet, he won’t hug you, when you say goodbye, he’ll shake your hand and that’s it. He says that before I could kiss him myself. He doesn't say he misses him. No emotions, he says that’s how he is. I bought a car, and there was a sea of emotions and a sea of time devoted to it. I was very hot, now I’ve cooled down because of his coldness, I don’t show initiative, and he practically doesn’t either. I want love, care, attention. His mother says his grandfather and father are like that. Grandma says that she has been unloved all her life. I told him that if he doesn’t need me, let’s break up, he blames me for everything. Sad and offensive. He took out insurance for his car in my name when I need it, he gives it to me, when I or my parents ask for help, he will always come and help, but he won’t figure it out himself. He has my photos on ICQ on the Internet. But I didn’t see the joy when I managed to get a job in our village, with such difficulty I terminated the contract concluded in another city... I didn’t see the joy, it was so insulting. And now he says I’m like this... Needed... But I don’t see or feel his love, all the meetings seem to be for show.
Hope, Kazakhstan, 21 years old / 09/14/16
Our experts' opinions
Alyona
Nadya, I understood the story, but I didn’t understand the question. Apparently because everything is more than obvious. This guy won't work hard for you. He did not spend any effort to “conquer” you; you are an easy and therefore not particularly valuable “prey”. Not even prey, but, forgive the comparison, pasture. There was no sparkle in the eyes, there was no excitement, there was no interest or desire. You offered yourself, you took the initiative, you led the relationship yourself. And now I suddenly wanted to feel weak and desired. Why suddenly? It's just like in jokes about feminists. If in your couple the man has always been a lack of initiative plankton, if he was never particularly interested in all this, and he would not have developed the relationship at all if you had not shown any effort, then why suddenly now you demand that he become different? Either continue to love what you picked up, or finally admit that this “real estate” is not worth your “investment”, neither emotional, nor intellectual, nor otherwise. I broke the contract - what a stupid thing to do. For whose sake and what? You are 21 years old. Do you need to get married urgently? For what purpose? In life, playing at being a man in a relationship with someone to whom cars and comfort are so dear to you that even sex with you is not a motivation to change something? Stop ruining your life already, renew the contract and forget about the one to whom you didn’t give in for nothing.
Sergey
Nadezhda, I personally believe that every person, upon reaching adulthood, is free to ruin his life as he pleases. Therefore, if you really want to spend time trying to educate this comrade into something more or less digestible, then for God’s sake, have fun. After all, I even understand your interest. You are a young girl, passionate, and here is such a non-trivial problem. And it’s nice to feel like you’re in charge in a relationship with an older guy, dragging him along like a little one, teaching him. A kind of game with a big living doll. However, I don’t recommend getting too carried away. Judging by what you write, the young man is quite withdrawn, poorly socialized and very childish. You could spend your whole life redoing such a “frame” and still achieve nothing. And it must be somehow scary to have children with such a dad. Although, of course, to each his own. But is it worth wasting your life on something unknown? The world is big and there is a huge amount of normal people looking for their soul mate. It is quite possible that someone is looking for you while you indulge your maternal instinct with an overgrown teenager. Aren’t you ashamed that you are robbing him and yourself, shortening the time of your happiness together? No, I understand that you kind of feel responsible. I admit that feelings of guilt and pity weigh on the conscience. But life is not rubber. And sooner or later, you will definitely think about why you spent so much time playing with dolls. In my opinion, you should wish your friend all the best as quickly as possible and start studying, looking for a job and truly your man. But, of course, it's up to you to decide. Each of us is the creator of our own problems.
I recently attended a book club discussion on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. After studying the book for weeks, Lewis's otherwise mild-mannered fans suddenly went from waving palm fronds to yelling, "Crucify him!"
This revolution was brought about by the following principle found in the chapter on Charity (Christian Love):
The rule for all of us is quite simple. Don't waste your time worrying about whether you love your neighbor; act as if you love.
"Blasphemy!" – several people screamed, and one even tried to rip his Ralph Lauren T-shirt on his chest. “This,” argued their informal leader, “smacks of a fake-it-till-you-make-it mentality that cannot be tolerated within the Christian concept of love.”
“Insincere love is not love!”
"If you don't feel it, you can't love."
“My rule is one hundred percent sincerity!”
The Shakespeare crowd screamed louder and louder, one complaint fueling the next.
Be someone more than you really are
And while the Christian peasants grabbed their pitchforks, it became increasingly clear that in their eyes Lewis had violated the law of self-expression: the law of being truly himself. Psychology has instilled in our generation the idea that self-expression is the highest good. If you don't feel it, it's not authentic and therefore not real. This, combined with the definition that love is almost exclusively a warm feeling located deep within us, creates the idea of a desecration of the idea of love by a person who does not experience love, but is forced to behave like a loving person.
The main problem with "wait 'til you feel it" love is that it's more Hollywood than Bible. It fundamentally undermines the two greatest commandments given by Jesus. The commandments to love God and neighbor often attack this love, suppressing our natural inclinations and inconveniences in our self-expression:
no matter if he hurt you.
Love your neighbor as yourself, no matter how unpopular he is.
Love your neighbor as yourself, despite the fact that he embodies all those unpleasant traits that you didn’t even know you had until you met him.
Or, more importantly:
Love God no matter how busy you are.
Love God no matter how angry you are with Him.
Love God no matter how sick, tired or confused you are.
No footnotes, asterisks, or qualifications indicate any nuance in these two commandments. “I’m not feeling it” is a problem to be overcome, not an excuse for disobedience.
Fake it 'til you make it
These men and women who felt the strain of Lewis's principle were rightfully irritated because our feelings Ideally must precede our actions that express love for God and our neighbors. But you will probably agree with me - often it doesn’t work out that way. Our feelings are immature - they tend to sulk, squeal and remain silent. And, unfortunately, they are often angry with those they love the most.
So, given that our fallen feelings are not fully redeemed, what should we do in situations where we are not we feel self-loving? What I suggest is this: fake the feeling until He makes it real.
The naysayers were right about fighting “fake it 'til you make it” love, because we ourselves don't do anything that lasts. We may feign temporary sympathy and compassion for people, but a deep change of heart toward others (that glorifies the Lord and actually loves them) comes from God himself (Galatians 5:22-23). Indeed, this is only possible after God gives us a new heart.
Acting honestly
So we must act.
Instead of waiting for your inner feelings to accumulate the appropriate amount of love for someone, ask yourself a Lewis-style question: What would I do if I had the right feelings for them? Will I be able to get off the couch and apologize to my wife? Will I call a relative I haven't spoken to in years? Should I invite my neighbor to dinner?
Use your God-given imagination to imagine what love looks like, and then do it.
And pray while you act.
We don't want to live forever in a discrepancy between actions and feelings - and thank God we won't. But as we look forward to being more like Him (1 John 3:2), we pray for God to enlarge our redeemed but still too-tight hearts. With prayer, we act as if we really feel it. We put the cart before the horse and ask God to make the horse gallop. We respond gently to our colleagues' comments as if we love them, while asking God to give us real love for them.
Another name for this type of love is simply faith. We don't gnash our teeth and "pretend" in the traditional sense. We “pretend” by looking to Christ and waiting for His Spirit to complete what He has started in us (Philippians 1:6). Without faith in our actions, we become like the Pharisees and fail to please God (Hebrews 11:6).
Great secret
Surprisingly, God often provides the feelings we need in those moments when we act before we feel. I experienced the reality of what Lewis beautifully describes in the following sentence:
Once we do this, we discover one of the great secrets. When you act like you love someone, you will soon love them. If you hurt someone you don't like, you will find that you dislike them even more.
It's true that your actions often stem from your feelings, but it's also true that and your feelings come from your actions. Not acting in the name of “true love” actually blocks the flow of feelings that could flow if you acted.
I have Good friends, which I couldn’t stand at first. But as the Lord worked on me, He gave me the opportunity to act as if I loved them before I actually loved them - and soon followed real love. The more I invested my energy, time and thoughts into these people, the more my heart became convinced that I truly loved them.
Love is a gift from God, often given when we act before we feel.
He's already done it
The more I try to apply this principle in my life, the more opportunities I discover for its application.
Don't miss the most interesting things!
- You are tempted to fear a person? How would you act if you didn't have this ungodly fear? Act by asking God to give you the liberating fear of Him, not of man (Isaiah 8:12-13).
- You are tempted by anxiety? What would it look like to trust in the Lord with all your heart in this situation (Proverbs 3:5)? Take action and ask God to give you His peace (John 14:27).
- Are you tempted by lust? What would honoring God look like toward that girl, guy, or computer screen? Take action and ask God to kill the lusts still growing in your heart.
As a result, we “fake it until we make it” because, in fact, He has already made it - He has already done it. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the ancient has passed away, now everything is new.”(2 Corinthians 5:17). We don't pretend to be someone we're not; we “put on” who we already are, even though we don’t feel like we live up to it (Colossians 3:1-17).
As Christians, we fake love not to escape reality, but to live it more fully.
Author - Greg Morse/ © 2018 Desiring God Foundation. Website: desiringGod.org
Translation - Natalia Nakaznyuk For
Hello. I'm 21 years old, my young man 27. We met by chance, through mutual friends. Together for about 1 year. When we first started communicating, it turned out that we could have met even earlier, because... he knows almost all of my classmates. During the time that we have been together, we have already had conversations about getting married, but he keeps insisting that we need to “get on our feet,” find a job with a good salary, housing. And I'm 21, I want a family.
But that's not the point. At the beginning of our relationship, he was caring, kind, loving, and looked after me. Now a lot has changed. What worries me most is that I don’t feel his love for me, his care. Although he claims that he loves me. But that's not enough for me. I want to feel his love, words are not enough. I’m afraid to talk about this topic with him myself. He will say that he loves you.
How can I understand if he really loves me as much as I love him? How can I feel his love?
Answers from psychologists
Hello Irina. You know, I believe that he really loves you, you just began to speak each other’s love languages less often, which is why you have doubts.
Read Gary Champion's book "The Five Love Languages" (it's not long and is freely available on the Internet), start talking to him in his love language, and he will answer in yours.
Popeskul Alexander Alexandrovich, online psychologist
Good answer 5 Bad answer 2Irina, your fears are unfounded! On the contrary, try talking to your boyfriend about love. The conversation can be done in an easy and relaxed manner: invite him to play the game “Love”. The rules are as follows: each of you begins to talk about whether he experienced first love in childhood, at what age and in relation to whom. Also, let each of you tell us whether any of you tried to show it or, on the contrary, suppress your first love, as it manifested itself in each of you’s behavior. Then you can move on to each of you telling your current idea of love at the moment for another person. Further questions can be thrown out one after another: is this love worth showing? How (words, specific actions) and in relation to whom? How can a girl know that you show love and by what actions? Gradually you move on to the key issue that worries you. Perhaps your young man may not even notice this: you can express your concerns, fears, experiences. related to your relationship with him. The essence of the game was to find out his current ideas about love and build trust in the final questions: what he thinks about your relationship and how he sees it developing. At the same time, you will have an excellent opportunity to assess the degree of his openness to you. But keep in mind that a young man may be one of those who is embarrassed to show a relationship with you because of his characteristics or his lack of readiness. Your task is to clarify the situation for yourself: whether he feels sympathy for you and how much he values you. There are also males who do not throw around the words: I love you. They can say: I like you or I’m interested in you. But remember, forcing events and relationships is fraught with rapid separation. Meanwhile, you should not be afraid to ask or express something to a young man: sometimes it often happens that he does not even think that something in his behavior causes you fears. Therefore, it is very important to express your concerns when necessary, so that the person has an idea of what he needs to change in himself. In any case, he will demonstrate his attitude towards you through his actions or inaction.
Samekin Adil Serikpaevich, psychologist in Pavlodar
Good answer 4 Bad answer 1Kuroedova Tatyana Nikolaevna
Psychologist Taraz Was online: 3 days ago
Answers on the site: Conducts trainings.
Hello!
I have a small problem... It so happened that I have never experienced the feeling of true love.
To be honest, I have never had a serious love relationship. Yes, there were only meetings, walks, dates, but nothing more. I don't know what's happening to me. At the age of 18, I took the initiative: I was the first to write to a young man I liked on the Internet. We continued to communicate, every day I learned something new and interesting about him. Yes, he interested me, and I kept waiting for him to want to meet me in person. Finally, this moment has come. I saw him and realized that I liked him very much. We met like this for a month, it was just friendly meetings. At the same time, I felt that he was not indifferent. Just recently he gave me flowers, and for some reason I was very... not that scared, but surprised by such an act on his part. I realized that I was completely unprepared for serious relationship. Why? Maybe because I only feel sympathy for him? There can be no talk of any love. There is no light, spark, eclipse... None of this exists. I even blame myself for this, because the guy is good, kind. Moreover, I have never had a boyfriend...I'm afraid, what if I make some mistake? He himself admitted that he was very much in love with me, but I was not. As soon as I see some young man in the crowd, something strange happens in my soul, I want to please this stranger. I want to fall in love at first sight, but it doesn't happen...
I do not know what to do. Why can't I experience the feelings of falling in love? Is it worth continuing a relationship if you are not in love? What if I still can’t fall in love? Never?
Help me, please, with advice! I will be very grateful to you!
Hello. Anastasia. The absence of a feeling of falling in love is a defensive reaction to falling in love itself, from which you unconsciously expect a strong fear of being abandoned and unwanted. Therefore, being unconfident, you endow you and the young man with a feeling of criticism. And it seems to you that he He will soon understand you, see your imperfections and leave you. Therefore, your avoidances are neurotic. You both want and are afraid. The way out is to accept yourself as more valuable and flawless. At the same time, give yourself the right to both mistakes and small ones shortcomings. They exist in every person. Then you will find the strength to take a risk and get closer to a young man, to imbue him with high feelings without fear of consequences. Openness is a sign of trust and self-sufficiency. Therefore, change and fall in love on the principle of reciprocity and gratitude, avoiding unrequited relationships .
Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich, psychotherapist-psychoanalyst Volgograd
Good answer 4 Bad answer 0Question to a psychologist:
Good afternoon I am 26 years old, my boyfriend is 30. Our relationship began more than a year ago, we met on the Internet, started communicating, but at that time I only needed him to forget my past man. Accordingly, after a couple of months, I offered to break up, although he said that he loved me. During the year we communicated, but very rarely, we went to a cafe a couple of times or just for a walk. A year later, he had an accident, we began to communicate more closely, and then I realized that I had fallen in love. At the moment we have been living together for half a year, a month ago he proposed to me. The problem is that I don’t feel love, care, and this has been throughout the entire relationship. We quarrel very often because he can say something rudely, or while I’m telling something, he simply says that he urgently needs to call and starts talking on the phone. He never asks anything, he himself doesn’t tell where he is or how his day went, he doesn’t share his problems. It's easier for him to tell his friends everything. Although I never condemned him and, on the contrary, I am always ready to support him. I feel unnecessary, a stranger to him. We quarrel over the phone, because he might be texting with someone at night, and I ask who. He starts to freak out. He never apologizes, even if he is guilty. He just gets offended and sits on the phone or just watches TV. I try to come home quickly after work, hug and be with him. But after one phrase from him, all desire disappears. Also regarding the proposal, he gave me a ring and asked me if I would become his wife, but he doesn’t talk about the wedding, not when, not where. Tell me, what is our problem? Maybe I'm too fixated, or is the problem with my man?
Psychologist Gerasimenko (Kolos) Lyudmila Nikolaevna answers the question.
Hello Irina, thanks for the question. In the first part of your letter, you write that you started communicating and then dating only to forget your past man. When you break up with someone dear to you, you can’t immediately enter into another relationship; the advice “knocks each other out” doesn’t work. Time must pass, experience and let go of feelings for another. Maybe there is something unfinished in the relationship (there was no last conversation, a showdown, the last point was not made. You have something left unsaid, not clarified. This will most likely extend into the next relationship, you will transfer grievances from one man to another, to compare, to wait for what that man did not give you. Psychologists are very helpful for this, they create an environment in which you can end the relationship with the man with whom you broke up and then, renewed, you enter into another relationship.
And in the second part, I can assume that it is possible that during courtship after the accident, you dissolved so much in your partner (merged) that he simply stopped noticing you. Advice: don’t lose your “I”, don’t get hung up on this problem, live a full, self-sufficient life, life doesn’t revolve around your partner, you should also have your own interests. Develop nearby, multiply your advantages. And who knows, maybe your man will notice you and look at you with completely different eyes. All the best, Irina.
