Divorce - painful period in life. And if children were born in the marriage, it is doubly difficult to survive. But there is a way out. We asked psychologists and received some advice on how a woman with children can survive a divorce and get out of a personal crisis.
To begin with, it is extremely important to restore your mental balance. Because an unhappy mother will not be able to give anything to her children. In addition, children are sensitive to the mood of adults. If they understand that their mother cannot cope with her worries, they will also develop a feeling of danger for their lives. So, first of all, stabilize your internal state, and after that, begin to build a scheme for raising children.
Put your life on pause
After a divorce, a woman’s internal state is extremely vulnerable. Therefore, at this moment it is forbidden to make important decisions or commit rash, impulsive actions. Experts recommend refraining from doing this for a period of time. three months. During this time, the woman will have time to come to her senses, more or less restore her internal balance and regain harmony. Only when the brain and psyche are ready to make adequate decisions can you begin to take some actions.
Create a schedule
For your sadness and hatred. It is clear that at first it will be difficult to contain your emotions inside. At times you will want to cry, scream, hate the whole world. To prevent these emotions from catching you at the most inopportune moment and interfering with your performance and normal life, make a schedule for sadness. Give yourself a couple of hours a week when you can fully immerse yourself in your experiences. If a wave of depression tries to overwhelm you on other days, remind yourself that you have specially designated hours for sadness.
Live now
There is no need to dredge up the past and make long-term plans. Your task after divorce: live here and now. While you are in this state, you will not have the opportunity to feel the bitterness of recent events. Pay attention to any little things, go for walks, communicate with people, do what you love. Enjoy the moment, because it will never happen again. And let Scarlett O’Hara’s famous phrase from Margaret Mitchell’s novel “Gone with the Wind” be your rule for the coming days: “I’ll think about it tomorrow.”
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Go through all stages
As with any psychological crisis, you will have to go through five main stages: shock, anger, bargaining, awareness, acceptance. It is impossible to “cure” and immediately get to the fifth stage without stepping over the previous ones. So all you have to do is come to terms with it and understand where you are now. At each stage, a person experiences a special list of emotions. If you understand what is happening to you now, this is already one of the first signs of recovery.
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Take care
Surely you have heard that all diseases occur from nervous stress. Divorce is a special burden on your psyche. Therefore, it is important to take care of your body. Don’t forget to eat, preferably healthy, walk, and play sports. All this is necessary for the hormones of happiness to enter the body and relaxation to occur. Otherwise, you risk seriously compromising your health.
A moment of joy
Every day you need to give yourself some, albeit minor, pleasure. Whether it’s a bath by candlelight, or listening to your favorite music, or a hobby, or reading books, aromatherapy... Choose for yourself how you will reward yourself. This will help you restore the balance of positive and negative emotions.
Ask for help
Even if you put all these points into practice, no one can guarantee you an immediate return to your normal life. Therefore, after a divorce, you need to ask for help from family and friends. There's nothing wrong with that. Believe me, some relatives will even be happy to chat with your children or help with housework. Don't push yourself too far.
When you come to your senses a little, it will be time to think about children. So, it is important to follow the following rules.
1. Don’t turn against
One of the most common mistakes made by divorced parents is turning their children against their partner. But kids are part of the two of you and this is how they perceive themselves in life. If you speak negatively about their father, you are driving the children into internal conflict. After all, they want to please you, but there is a part of their father in them. Do you really hate them just as much and consider them worthless? To prevent children from having such thoughts, watch what and how you say about their father.
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2. It's not their fault
Children should not think that they are to blame for your divorce. It’s already very difficult for them now, so be as attentive as possible to them. Don’t ignore their requests in conversations, listen to their thoughts and express support. And most importantly: convey the message that they are in no way to blame for their parents’ divorce.
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3. Calm babies
We already mentioned above that children are sensitive to the mood of adults. Therefore, your task is to calm them down and convince them that everything is fine. This will be one of the most difficult points. After all, until you believe it yourself, you will not be able to convince your children of it. So your overall emotional well-being is in your hands. There are no unsolvable problems. And life is full of miracles and every day gives us new chances.
Divorce is a difficult time for both spouses. Standing on the verge of family collapse, everyone is in a whirlpool of negative emotions and resentments, many questions arise about the correctness of the step taken. If the initiator of the separation was a woman, when the bridges have already been burned, doubts arise, because no matter how much we talk about gender equality in our society, in most cases, all responsibility for children born in a broken marriage now falls on her shoulders. Is there life with a child after divorce?
Psychologists say that the first feeling that hits you after leaving the courtroom is not relief and hope for something bright, but hopelessness and emptiness, even if the husband has long been unloved, the accomplished fact does not bring relief. You have to forcefully smile at the children and pretend that you are absolutely sure that the best is yet to come! So it will be if the first steps turn out to be correct. Specialists in interpersonal relationships offer recommendations to a young mother on how to survive a divorce as a woman left with a child; they can safely be called a guide to “rebirth from the ashes.”
Put your life on pause
This does not mean that you need to stop and withdraw into yourself. A woman’s nature is inherently emotional, and after experiencing stress, feelings go off scale and it’s difficult to cope with them. A strong resentment towards your husband can push you to want to change your job, apartment, or even life itself. Yesterday's wife sells her home, takes the child and moves away. She proved to her ex that she can now make decisions on her own, but then what?
No work, no home, no support, you have to start all over again in a new place. How to live alone with a child after divorce? Do you like to overcome difficulties? Well done. How is it for the baby? His usual little world is destroyed. He saw his dad every day, played with his favorite toys, and talked with friends. Radical changes can become too heavy a burden for your baby’s fragile psyche.
While you have not yet come to your senses, do not make any fateful decisions. Do your daily work, take care of your children, spend more time in nature. It will take three months to restore peace of mind and get used to the new life. Only when the brain and psyche can adequately assess the situation can any important actions be taken.
From the depths up
As with any psychological crisis, you will have to go through five stages, and the first days after divorce will not be the most difficult. The two initial stages - shock and anger are the most filled negative emotions. Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable, moving from moral to physical.
It's like you're being sucked into a whirlpool. You need to fall to the bottom to push off. You cannot completely succumb to your feelings, the baby requires care and attention, this complicates the situation even more, but it also becomes a plus; responsibility for the fate of your son or daughter does not allow you to completely fall apart.
At the next two stages - bargaining and awareness, feelings are released a little, and the mind gets to work. The central stage of a crisis state, bargaining, is dangerous. A woman is ready to make any sacrifice just to return the precarious status quo. The bitterness of grievances pales before the realization of the fact - the old life no longer exists.
Understanding what stage of personal crisis you are at is already half the way to success. You cannot immediately find yourself at the final stage of accepting the situation after a shock. How long it takes you to recover is up to you.
Allow yourself to be weak
If you spend 24 hours a day grieving about what happened, you may actually believe that you are unhappy. Do not engage in self-destruction, drive away sad thoughts. Make a personal agreement - you will allow yourself to cry and even cry out loud for just one hour a week. Women's tears are an amazing thing; when they dry, they take away the darkness and, like the wind, dispel the clouds.
The deferment method will help you focus on everyday problems. The most important thing is that you have a meaning in life - your child, who needs your love now more than ever.
Health comes first
How to live after a divorce for a woman with a child? Your baby needs a healthy mother; together you have a long, sometimes very difficult journey ahead of you. To provide for your small family, you will have to work a lot, but where will you get the strength for this? Right! Take good care of your body.
Active recreation. Walks. Positive emotions. Don't have enough money for a gym membership? Go to the park, to the forest, to the playground. Going to the pool together is a great idea! You will teach your child to swim, and he will proudly tell his relatives and friends about his achievements.
To achieve a positive balance, pamper yourself. A cloud of the hormone of happiness will cover you completely. After your baby has fallen asleep, take 15 minutes and relax after a hard day, it will be a bath with aroma oil, a favorite book, aromatic tea in silence, a hair or face mask, it doesn’t matter. The main thing is that you are alive, and your soul doesn’t hurt so much anymore.
This is not your war
No matter what your ex-husband says to mutual acquaintances, no matter how hard he tries to hurt your pride during meetings, do not stoop to a showdown. Emotions are now overwhelming both of them; a calm conversation will not work. Time will pass, the intensity will subside a little, and the rudeness and insults thrown in the altercation will remain in the memory as bitter drops. This is not your war! But exhorting and placing a white handkerchief on the ground to stop the fighting is still useless. Time, contrary to popular belief, does not heal, it only reduces the degree of emotions.
No discussions of the vile qualities of your spouse and your own grievances with your friends; do not waste energy discussing the negative qualities of your spouse. Don't force yourself to relive that nightmare. Strive and move forward.
How to live after divorce with one or two children? Try to maintain normal relationships. You are parents, and you will inevitably have to communicate, but don’t cross to the other side of the street when you meet. Don’t tear your little heart apart with stupid questions: “who do you love more?” Some ex-spouses not only jointly organize birthday parties for their children, but also visit theaters, exhibitions, and even go on vacation in the same company.
Create a comfort zone for children
Children react sensitively to the emotional background around them. If mom is depressed, often wipes away her tears, and dad doesn’t come, this is the collapse of the world. It is difficult for a child to cope with inexplicable anxiety; he becomes capricious or becomes silent.
Try to explain little man that everything cannot remain the same, but it is not his fault, it is you, the adults, who failed to agree. Dad, despite the fact that he does not live in the same house with you, will still be nearby. No matter how much you would like to follow your emotions and say nasty things about your ex-husband, for the sake of your children’s health, don’t do it.
Don’t ignore the kids’ questions and requests, support them, praise them for successes, and gently reprimand them for their mistakes. Peace and prosperity should reign in your little family.
Time will put everything in its place, but for now the children should feel protected, on both sides. Convince your children that everything will be fine, but first, believe in it yourself.
What not to do
Do not divide the child, do not forbid him to communicate with his father. It is an unforgivable mistake when parents decide to communicate with their children through the courts. This is unbearable for a child. Moreover, do not bring the situation to the point of absurdity by allowing communication only in your presence.
The Lord created a woman as a generous and understanding being. If the ex-husband wants to invite the children to new family, don't interfere. There are many examples when children from the previous and new families turned out to be the closest friends, and subsequently thanked fate for providing them with a chance to get to know each other.
Is it worth returning what was lost?
After living a little apart from their family, looking among the girls for a replacement for their beloved, some men realize that they made a mistake and begin to try again to win the heart ex-wife. A new round of relationships, a candy-bouquet period, courtship, vows and promises can melt the hearts of the most persistent.
Does it make sense to return? If your child's father is responsible, intelligent, deprived bad habits, why not? No one is immune from mistakes. You cannot give advice in matters concerning feelings. Listen to your heart, only it will give the right answer.
Conclusion: living with a child after a divorce from your husband is difficult, but possible. No matter what trials one would have to go through, from the height of acquired experience and wisdom it is obvious that if there is no desire for mutual understanding in the family, it was necessary to get a divorce.
Remember the rule: put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then on the child? The same applies in a situation of divorce - first stabilize your own condition, otherwise you will not be able to help the child. What do you need to do to bring yourself to your senses?
1. Become aware of what is happening to you
Going through a divorce is similar to grieving for a deceased person. A woman goes through the same stages:
- shock - the woman does not believe what happened;
- anger - attacks of uncontrollable aggression, anger, hatred;
- bargaining - a woman agrees to do anything to get her husband back;
- awareness - understanding of what happened comes, depression and apathy often occur;
- acceptance - a woman accepts the fact of divorce, comes to terms with reality, and begins to build her life further.
Understanding what stage of divorce you are currently in and what emotions and experiences are inherent in it is already support in a state of crisis.
2. Take a time out
The first 2-3 months after a divorce are the hardest. This is the so-called “shock phase,” and in a state of shock there is a risk of making a lot of mistakes. Therefore, in order to avoid rash and impulsive actions, allow yourself to take a time out and not make any important decisions during this period. Let your brain and psyche return to a more or less stable state, when you can think soberly and rationally.
3. Dose negativity hourly
Anger, fear, sadness, despair, confusion and other negative feelings are normal. You need to experience them and allow your psyche to react to them so that they do not settle inside you in the form of neuroses or other mental disorders.
But your task now is to survive the stage of divorce, remain in a resourceful state in order to live and move on, take care of yourself and your children. Therefore, learn to manage your emotions.
Suffer by the hour. Choose two hours a week to immerse yourself in negative experiences, thoughts and emotions. If a wave of negativity hits at another time, say “stop” and return to these thoughts at the designated hours.
4. Return to the “here and now” state
Focus on what is happening to you right now. What do you see outside the window? Trees? How tall or low are they, what shape are the leaves on the trees, what color are they? Open the window, breathe in the fresh air. What do you feel in your lungs?
Bring thoughts and sensations back to real time from the past or future. Neither the past nor the future exists in the current moment. Return to the “here and now” state more often, this will give you the opportunity to switch from negative thoughts and reduce anxiety.
5. Don't be shy to ask for help.
Sometimes the fear of appearing weak, unsuccessful, or worse than others prevented us from asking for help. Don’t close yourself off, don’t refuse help, don’t heroically try to pull everything out on your own. Ask and accept help. Meet children from school, buy groceries, help with cleaning - many people around you will be happy to help.
6. Take care of your health
Body and psyche are inextricably linked. When the psyche suffers, the body must be a strong support to it in order to withstand all the intensity of passions.
Eat right, follow a sleep and rest schedule, and be physically active. Walk more and be in the fresh air, charging your body with energy and stimulating the body's production of endorphins, the hormones of happiness that you need during this period.
7. Make a contract with yourself for pleasure.
Write a list of things that bring you pleasure. Dancing, drawing, sweet tea, cinema, warm blanket, beautiful candle, fragrant body cream. Let these be the most insignificant things, the main thing is that they give you a feeling of happiness and pleasure.
Make an agreement with yourself: at least once a day you will give yourself one item from the list. This will help you maintain the much-needed balance between satisfaction and frustration in your life.
Now that oxygen mask the air began to flow and it became a little easier for you to breathe, help the child.
8. Never pit your child against your spouse.
Children always unconsciously identify themselves as 50% mom and 50% dad. If you tell them what a worthless and dishonest father they have, they will always take these words personally - after all, they half identify themselves with their father.
All the negativity that you direct at your spouse, you automatically direct at your children. The inability to separate oneself from the father and at the same time the desire to please the mother creates an insoluble internal conflict in the child, which can lead to sad consequences.
9. Explain to your children that the divorce is not their fault.
Children perceive their parents' divorce very painfully. They shift the blame onto themselves. Don’t ignore your children’s experiences and feelings; discuss their doubts and fears with them. Don’t shy away from the topic of divorce, don’t remain silent. If your children ask about divorce, discuss the topic with them as much as they need. But in the conversation, focus on the fact that it is not their fault for what happened.
10. Create an atmosphere of emotional safety for children
Children perceive the world based on their parents' reactions. By how you react to a situation, they judge the global nature of the changes in their personal universe. If you are apathetic, depressed, or even worse - aggressive, for them this will be the final collapse of their own world.
They will think: since mom feels so bad, it means that their life is under threat and there is no hope for a successful resolution of the situation. Create an atmosphere of safety for children, try to behave positively, calmly, relaxed, and kindly in their presence. Reassure your children that everything will be fine. To do this, believe in it yourself.
About the author
Irina Kambulova- psychologist, transactional analyst, dance-movement psychotherapist.
Is divorce already a fait accompli? Or is it planned for the near future? In any case, how to survive it is worth thinking through and comprehending before you make a lot of mistakes or fall into depression.
A woman initiates a divorce only when she understands that it will still be much easier for her alone than with the one she once loved.
The decision to dissolve a marriage does not come spontaneously, it is not made rashly (although this also happens). It is usually gained through long sleepless nights and conversations with oneself. Thoughts about the future are usually vague, but there is no place for a spouse in them.
And now the divorce has taken place, there is a stamp in the passport, and the status of an unmarried woman has been acquired.
The first days after divorce
Wow, the one who was the other half is not lying on the sofa, the TV remote control can be used the way you want, and not look at it as an extension of your husband’s hand.
- and you no longer need to invent fillings for pies, meet people after work and quietly hate for socks scattered everywhere;
- you can turn on those channels that you like, and not watch sad sports, assenting every time your husband tries to say something about his favorite boxer or football player;
- build your weekends yourself, devoting them to yourself and your children, and not stand at the kitchen stove, building something that is sure to be exquisite and tasty, and after eating this delicious thing, wash a mountain of dishes;
- do not flinch every time from a phone call, afraid that a male colleague will call, and your spouse will flare up with jealousy and the day off will be completely ruined;
- you can chat as much as you like and about anything with your friend, without catching skeptical glances from the side of the sofa and then listening to a sermon about “stupidly wasted time”;
- You can spend as much time as you want on your own makeup and wardrobe before going out, without fear of being shamed for being slow.
You are free from many imaginary or real prohibitions, now there is no “we”, now there is only “I”.
But! Along with all the “you can” comes the understanding that all responsibility for your life and for the lives of your children falls only on your shoulders.
No, of course the children have a father, he hasn’t gone away, it’s you who don’t have a husband. But, alas, often a man quickly forgets that he has not only material, but also moral obligations to his own children.
Statistics inexorably confirm that a divorced woman left with children has to bear the burden of raising her alone.
But if the second divorced party expresses a desire to be a full-fledged father, and not just the person from whom alimony comes:
- Under no circumstances should you interfere with noble impulses. Children are common, not just yours.
- Without male education It’s quite difficult to get by, and not only when the son grows up, the daughter also needs her father’s care.
- Moreover, you can always share responsibilities, and help is never superfluous.
Is loneliness good or bad?
And it depends on the context in which divorce is considered:
- If you take it as freedom and independence, then your thoughts are only optimistic.
- And if you think that society still has a negative attitude towards single women, then such thoughts will not make you depressed for long.
In the second case (when loneliness is perceived in the form of a dull existence), it is best to contact a psychologist, because coping with a depressive mood alone is often not only difficult, but almost impossible.
It is especially difficult for those women who are left with a small child in their arms after a divorce: maternity leave, which means limited communication makes its own adjustments.
There are frequent cases of divorce after 50 years. But here everything is explained simply: love has long passed, common interests no, but the children are already grown. And there is a feeling of uselessness of each other. Rather than endure and think about living with this person you no longer love for the rest of your life, while dreaming that the rest of your life won’t be too long, it’s better to part ways peacefully (and maybe with a scandal).
But if you accept divorce as a liberation, as a sigh of relief, then you can free your heart for someone who will be loved and who will love you.
New fresh feelings will not keep you waiting long: a woman still needs someone to whom she can simply lay her head on her shoulder and tell about everything that is in her heart, without experiencing the fear of being rejected and unheard.
How to find new love?
No, sitting locked up at home and suffering from your own uselessness, this will not work. New feelings will not happen even when you are depressed and delving into yourself, constantly feeling your own unattractiveness.
You are boring, which means you are of little interest to anyone. Does your whole life come down to gossip with your friends about your “ex”, an endless search for the reasons for divorce? Then you are twice uninteresting.
Your friends will quickly get bored of you, the children will begin to look at their mother as a loser, relatives will stop visiting, for fear of hearing for the hundred and first time about how this “bastard” ruined your whole life.
Is this what you dreamed of? Don't you deserve it best man, what was the previous one?
Well, go for it! Create, search, and most importantly, love yourself. It's hard, but self-love is the number one thing you should be concerned about after a divorce.
If you don't love yourself, you will never meet someone who will love you. And even if you are 60 years old, you can always become new and desirable. The main thing is to believe. And the rest will work out.
To a new life with new impressions
- Are there any savings? Wonderful. Spend it on travel. A change of environment is the best thing you can think of in the first days after a divorce. New places, new acquaintances, new feelings of personal freedom - this is euphoria that does not allow despondency to invade your life. new life.
- Don't have enough money to travel? Then change your wardrobe, hairstyle and go to a cosmetologist: an attractive and beautiful woman will stand in front of you in the mirror. interesting woman. What could be the best incentive to adore yourself?
- Change your surroundings: if funds allow, then it is best to make repairs, but if they are not enough, then at least change the wallpaper and move the furniture. Believe me, it will inspire.
Forgive and let go
This is perhaps the most difficult advice to follow. There will always be thoughts in your head about how you could have done things differently, if you don’t disagree, about what HE is doing now, and most importantly about who is to blame.
- Don't look for the guilty, usually in a failed marriage the guilt of both spouses, if not obvious, is present.
- Stop biting yourself. Finally, do something useful. Pay as much attention as possible to your own offspring: they need it no less than you. It’s difficult for them too, even though children are sometimes silent about what’s going on in their heads.
- Treat your ex-husband as someone with whom everything is in the past, and don’t create illusions that you can still return everything.
- Let him go in peace. Do not meddle in his personal life, constantly asking mutual friends about “how he is doing and who he is with.”
Accept help from loved ones
Even if close people are the spouse’s parents. They are not to blame for anything, and just as before, they want to see their grandchildren and help them.
Take care of yourself
- Have you long dreamed of a dance school?, but your husband laughed at your aspirations? And now he’s not around, and it’s time to make your dreams come true.
- Or did you really want to go to mini, but your husband grumbled when he saw your open knees? Please dress the way you want, if your figure allows, of course.
- Speaking of figure. Isn't it time to go to the gym? Or at least to the pool or treadmill? It's time to put your body and thoughts in complete order.
- Have you dreamed of moving up the career ladder?, but you had to constantly coordinate your actions with your spouse, and that’s why nothing worked? So here it is, freedom. Immerse yourself in your work, it brings not only moral, but also material satisfaction (the latter is no less necessary now than the former).
- Don't turn your back on men who show you signs of attention: there is no one to be jealous of you.
- Don't rush into all the troubles starting to drink alcohol in unlimited quantities. This has never led and never will lead anyone to anything good.
And always remember that divorce is only a transition from one state to another, and not the end of everything.
If you have already decided on it, then try not to ruin your own life. Look for the pros, cross out the cons. And in the end, there will be much more positive aspects than negative ones.
Video: How to get over a breakup
How to survive after divorce
or the Phoenix way for a young mother.
Divorce for a woman, and especially for a young mother, is scary. The first feeling that hits you is horror and emptiness in your heart.
Even if you haven’t been nice for a long time, even if getting rid of constant hassle seems like a welcome relief, it is very difficult to come to a decision. You have to literally break yourself, tear out the meat of your once loved one from your life.
A woman will not always decide to take this step, especially with children. Often she is simply presented with a fact: divorce. I found someone else, fell out of love, started drinking, but you never know...
But it happened - all the formalities were resolved, and after the divorce the woman was left alone, with a child or children. What's next?
I took the risk of compiling instructions for rebirth from the ashes, which, I dare to hope, can help a young mother not only survive, but also prepare a stable platform for building a new family.
Rule #1. Don't discuss.
No get-togethers with a friend discussing vile qualities ex-husband. No discussions of family conflicts, the divorce process, or other grievances. A friend who provokes such conversations is not really a friend, but a vulture. Get rid of them sharply and decisively.
Let me explain. When discussing what has passed, you look back. And life pulls you forward. Imagine that you are a train driver (and your life and the life of your children are carriages, by the way!).
A true friend of any gender will provide real support: help with the child (children), care and warmth of the soul. A true friend will try to cheer you up, but won’t let you start whining. And it won’t keep you in a state of self-pity. Because he understands that this is the path to the swamp, and you don’t need to go there.
Rule #2. Mandatory and continuous employment.
You have responsibilities:
1. Provide for yourself and your children financially: sit down and make a plan. How and how much you can earn, where and how much you will spend. How to improve your financial situation, what reserves can be used, etc. Try not to rely on your ex-husband when making a plan. It will help - great. It won't or will stop - you have a plan.
2. Maintain your health: you must, yes, you must! - maintain your health for later life, and for children. To lift them, you will need a lot of strength and health. If you break down because of mental suffering, they will suffer first. Think about it, make a list of your criteria healthy condition, and check with him regularly. Eat on time and nutritiously, take vitamins. Also set a daily routine and include at least 15 minutes for yourself. Elementary gymnastics and a procedure for a fresh face that suits you is a very necessary thing for health and strength. And find ways to relax.
3. Be balanced and optimistic. Yes, Russian women for the most part do not like themselves. Therefore, again about the children: they survived severe stress, heavy last days(months, years?) of marriage, and then another divorce. And now their eyes are on you. By how you react, they judge the global nature of the changes in their personal universe. If you show them hopeless melancholy, or, even worse, an angry fury, this will be their final downfall.
Perceive change as joy, liberation, new horizons of development and happiness. Don't pretend it, feel it. Pull yourself together and find the advantages of the new situation. Move your pain to a corner for now.
4. Pay attention and time to your children. There must be a time every day when you are busy doing something together - with passion and emotional contact. This is very important. Children have lost one parent, and now they may be afraid of losing the other. This fear should not be given a chance. It is necessary to strengthen the heart connection, to heal the wound, and this is a task for a woman.
Rule #3. Look around.
Personal misfortune is deafening. Makes you lose your bearings, hangs over you like a sphere of blackness and pain. The whole world around us through this prism is painted in gray and black colors.
Shake yourself up and remember: according to the Bible, despondency is a sin. And remember: there are a lot of people around who have experienced the same thing. And there are also a lot of people who have experienced, and are experiencing right now, much more terrible pain. Think about them, think about how you can impact this world with your grief.
After all, you can add pain and melancholy to this world, or you can give a ray of hope. In general, think about God, and about people, and about our planet. Try to compare your problem with the global wounds. It helps, it can give strength. And you need strength, because you are going to revive your life!
Rule #4. Setting goals.
There may be a temptation to get caught up in business, to run away from your pain into the bustle. Don't give in! Time lost in vanity cannot be returned later. But sooner or later you will have to jump out of the wheel, and then it will hurt that so much has been lost. You can spin a little, but at the same time keeping in mind the path to your goals is reasonable and worthy of respect.
You need to set goals for each area of your life, and be sure to indicate a deadline for each. Now such advice may seem cynical, but it won’t take much work or time to compile such a list. Even after plunging into business, you may not think about it, but your subconscious will slowly taxi to the intended lighthouse, and not rush around without a rudder and without sails.
Example of a list of goals:
Me: I want, no longer than a year from now, to marry a man with whom I will build the family of my dreams. My dream family looks like this, and therefore the criteria for the man of my dreams are like this. Goal: to become worthy of such a man, to do this and that. And also process all the grievances against your ex and turn them into gratitude for the good things he gave you. Cleanse yourself, so to speak.
Son Vasya: I want him to grow up strong and healthy, and also to develop creatively. In a year he will be able to be accepted into the karate section, and in two years - into the aircraft modeling club. The goal is to save money for these sections (specifically so much, specifically - by such a date) to harden him and practice drawing, modeling, etc. with him. (make a schedule and try to follow it)
Job: I want to get a position as a section manager, because the work there is easier and there is more money. Goal: improve your qualifications to the required level and convince yourself that you are worthy of this position.
Other goals. You don’t need many goals, just the main thing. The more succinctly and succinctly the goal is formulated, the easier it will be for the subconscious to do its job.
Resume.
So. Surviving after a divorce is difficult, but it is possible and necessary. One thought consoles me: no matter what serious trials I had to go through in the past, from the height of the present day I always understand: this was necessary for the current me. It was a lesson in wisdom, or strength, or humility, or something else equally necessary.
And very often later, a person with gratitude to God remembers his hour of testing, as a very important lesson, mandatory for the happiness he subsequently earned.
You can disagree with some things in this article, and argue with some things. But I hope that you will still choose to select those parts of the text that help and follow them.
I wish all women who find themselves in such a situation to recover from the ashes, like the Phoenix bird, and emerge from this test as a renewed, strong and happy woman.
