The amazing thing about recovery from abuse is that all of us who have experienced abuse are in the same boat, so we can help each other through the recovery and healing process. It turns out that we have a lot in common and many survivors of abuse face the same pressing questions during the recovery process.
The amazing thing about recovery from abuse is that all of us who have experienced abuse are in the same boat, so we can help each other through the recovery and healing process.
Answers: How to heal after communicating with an abuser
It turns out that we have a lot in common and many survivors of abuse face the same pressing questions during the recovery process.
This article is an attempt to summarize frequently asked questions and provide detailed answers to shorten the healing path and reduce cognitive dissonance.
Here is a list of questions I will answer:
ANSWERS
1. Is he really a psychopath? Maybe I'm saying this to make myself feel better after the breakup?
N in the early stages of recovery from abuse, you will ask yourself this question again and again. So don't worry, this is completely normal!
You are so used to blaming yourself for all the difficulties, so you cannot figure out who is really to blame for what happened. Even after you realize that your partner cheated on you, lied to you, manipulated you, humiliated you and criticized you, you will continue to focus on the little things that you were wrong about.
This is because the psychopath punished you every time you stood up for yourself, ignored you, and kept silent when you expressed your feelings.
In a relationship with a psychopath, you were forbidden to express your emotions and criticize his actions, otherwise, as you have been shown, you can be replaced by another partner in the blink of an eye.
It is because of this that you continue to doubt yourself after a breakup.
You may be thinking in your head the thought “if I had reacted differently, we would still be together.” You think, “If I forgive him and forget all his psychopathic antics, then I will finally feel relief.” These thoughts are normal, but they have nothing to do with reality.
Keep researching, sharing your story, and reading the stories of other survivors. Self-testing and learning speed up the recovery process. Eventually something will “click” in your mind.
I don't know when this will actually happen because, looking back on my own recovery, I can't figure out at what point it happened. But I promise: the time will come when you will stop doubting your own sanity and understand that your partner was destructive and toxic.
You will remember him with endless disgust, realizing that someone presented himself not as who he is. The thought of being in the same room with him will make you feel almost physical pain because you will finally understand what a monster he really was . Your self-esteem will be restored and you will no longer look back sadly over and over again.
2. How can he be so happy with someone else? Why does he give his next partner everything that I didn’t get? Because I wasn't good enough?
This should actually be question #1. Isn't it strange that every victim asks this question?
In fact, nothing strange, because none of us underwent any special treatment. We all think that the psychopath loves the next victim more, values them more, has deeper respect for them. This is exactly what psychopaths hope for.
They want you to see the contrast between the horrific end of their relationship with you and the honeymoon beginning of their subsequent triumph. But no person in their right mind can instantly go from an abusive relationship with someone to a suddenly perfect relationship with someone else.
Psychopaths use social media to appear happy to others, but what happy person would openly brag about their happiness and brag about choosing one person over another? No, just not a really happy person. It's just someone trying to triangulate and make you jealous.
But the fact is that you still have every chance of happiness. And the only way to be happy is do not maintain contact with a psychopath and do not follow him online.
I know you think you'll feel better if they break up. I thought so too. “If they broke up, then I could be convinced that the ex-partner was simply incapable of love, and my heart would calm down.”It doesn't change anything.
I watched subsequent relationships fall apart and was still unhappy. I also worried about his subsequent sacrifice. It's terrible to know that another person feels the same pain of a broken heart.
I thought their breakup would heal me, but it made me feel even worse. Why? Because my healing was still centered around someone else, not myself.
Once the doors closed for good, I never looked back. It felt like liberation- I finally stopped caring about what was happening in his life and, of course, stopped worrying about what he thinks about me.
I freed myself from drama, chaos, uncertainty and competition. For the first time since meeting him, I was living my life again. And that's when everything started to change. Since I left that world behind, my sanity has returned and my dreams have begun to come true.
3. Can he change? What if he is actually a good person, and the problem was in our relationship with him?
Psychopaths don't change. Psychopathy is congenital and cannot be treated. Psychopaths don't want to change because they consider themselves superior to "regular" people. Don't worry if he'll change because this won't happen.
Psychopaths may create an illusion of "decency" to maintain a mask of normalcy, but it is a pretense, like everything else with them. They are unable to recognize in another person a unique personality worthy of care and love.Everyone they see around them is a pawn on a chessboard.
Someone who was capable of insulting you (boycotting, ghettoizing, deceiving, pathologically lying) is not capable of suddenly becoming a decent person just because he found a better partner. His qualities and behavior are symptoms of a serious personality disorder, and not a temporary consequence of a bad relationship.
The media creates and daily circulates the image of a “good psychopath,” each time demonstrating a gross misunderstanding of the essence of this disorder. Have you heard anything about “good rapists and murderers”? Of course not.
Perhaps psychopaths come from dysfunctional families, or perhaps their disorder is a consequence of a disorder in brain biochemistry. Whatever the causes of the disorder, psychopathy is incurable. He won't change.
And so don't waste your time guessing: I wonder if anyone can turn a psychopath into an empathetic person.
4. What is the difference between a psychopath, a sociopath and a narcissist?
Psychologists, doctors, popularizers of this topic, and Google answer this question differently. And I, as a researcher of this topic, alas, have not been able to find a definite answer.
Here's what you should start from: all of these disorders are toxic, incurable, and they all repeat the cycle of “idealization-devaluation-disposal.” This is what unites them. Not just a diagnosis, but a general pattern of extremely manipulative and inhumane behavior.
We cannot say that one disorder is easier or more severe than another. Here on the site, we do not use the term “just a narcissist.” Whether you have been in a relationship with a narcissist, a sociopath, or a psychopath, the end result is the same: it is extremely difficult to heal from the mind-heart attachment caused by a person with a personality disorder through repeated cycles of idealization and devaluation.
5. Should I admit my share of guilt in what happened? After all, tango is danced together.
No, and on our website we have a zero-tolerance stance towards victim blaming in relation to victims of psychopathic abuse. It’s good (and normal) for you to ask this question to yourself, but if you’re trying to promote victims to “share their share of responsibility for what happened,” we’ll quickly say goodbye and ban you.
Regardless of whether you have codependency, naivety, self-doubt, vulnerability, or you are an absolutely harmonious person, violence and exploitation cannot be justified in any way. Nobody deserves to be treated like this.
Abusers are happy to label the victim as a “codependent” because in this way they shift the blame onto us. But codependency is not an excuse for abuse., just because you left your car unlocked doesn't mean you deserve to have your car stolen.
Victim-blamers love to shout about how you will never get better, grow, or heal unless you admit your share of “fault” in what happened (because it takes two to tango, blah blah blah).
However, consider this: It is entirely possible to recover, grow, and heal without taking responsibility for someone else's heinous actions. Self-esteem and a healthy sense of boundaries are based on this. This is how we learn to stop other people's projections, excuses and devaluation.
Please keep in mind that the above does not replace the need for self-analysis and reflection. Once we have received the necessary information, learned about the warning signs of personality disorders, and tested our knowledge through experience, we must take responsibility for our own choices in the future.
We can't get stuck in an endless cycle of self-destructive patterns, and we can't make choices that are harmful to our health over and over again. We cannot ignore the experience of people who have already walked this path: they also thought that they were “different”, that they were a magical exception.
Once you have mastered the skills gained through the healing process, you take full responsibility for the person you are going to become.
6. Should I warn the next victim?
We all go through this journey. For the first time we find articles on psychopathy on Google, and everything begins to fall into place. We experience shock, bewilderment, rage, horror and many other negative emotions.
The first reaction of many of us is to:
expose a psychopath;
warn the next victim.
It's so tempting to cite an article you just discovered in an email as proof that you know exactly who he is. Please, do not do that.
You think he'll be scared when he realizes that you've finally understood his essence, and the smirk of superiority leaves his face. The subsequent victim will read your letter, see all the alarm bells and immediately part with it. You and the victim will become best friends and drink coffee together every day.
But in reality a psychopath is using your letter to prove to the whole world that you are crazy, crazy, crazy. Keep in mind that very few people are aware of or concerned about psychopathy.
The effect will be exactly the opposite: those around you will be convinced that someone still loves someone and cannot come to terms with the loss.
The psychopath will use your extravagant letters to triangulate the new victim so that she will be convinced of how unique and irresistible he is, using your “craziness” as confirmation. Absolutely nothing good will come of it.
When you're under the influence of love bombing, would you believe it if someone told you that your "other half" is a psychopath?
7. Did he really not experience any feelings during our relationship? I’ve never loved anyone so much before, how could he not feel anything?
Psychopaths do not experience the same emotions as you and I. But your love was very real. He may have convincingly portrayed a love that didn't really exist.
He didn't feel it. Vulnerability, trust or affection - you felt all this. He watched and imitated the way you expressed your emotions, but he didn't feel them. That's why it was so easy for him to leave you and find a replacement for you, but it takes you months or even years to recover.
Many people say “well, it’s always easier for the one who left his partner, because he made the decision first.” In a relationship with a psychopath, this argument does not work.
A psychopath may talk about his plans to start a family and have children with you and at the same time sleep with someone else. It is easy for him to end things with you, not because he came to this decision as a result of lengthy reflection and analysis of his feelings.It’s easy for him to end things with you because he didn’t have any feelings for you in the first place.
In addition, victims of psychopaths who were the first to leave their abusers may report that it also took them a long time to heal.
Throughout the relationship, the psychopath may have experienced some emotions. Envy to the fact that you are able to fall in love and become deeply attached to a person - because he is physiologically incapable of this (they ignore this fact, convincing themselves that your love makes you “weak”).
Anger, when you begin to see who is hiding behind the carefully crafted mask of a “normal person” - he is insulted by this “normal person”, the image of which he created to deceive you.
Boredom, because psychopaths are always bored. And finally, jubilation when boredom temporarily recedes if the psychopath was able to deceive the victim and watch how she goes astray.
For him there is no greater joy than to witness the self-destruction of a kind and cheerful person.
8. Why do they always win? When will karma finally catch up with them?
Psychopaths are obsessed. They start games in which they involve other people, without ever announcing the rules. In fact, their victims may not even know they are playing a game.
Psychopaths exploit other people's vulnerabilities and hopes to deceive people, and then, to celebrate the victory when the victim is completely broken and devastated.
By creating and controlling every nuance of the game, they convince themselves of their own “success,” when in fact they need games in order to escape from the boring life of a consumer.
Without their own soul, they feel the need to cripple the souls of other people. They feel temporarily superior, ignoring the fact that truly happy people don't need to hurt others to feel good about themselves.
Psychopaths always win because they orchestrate the game from start to finish. But the mere fact that a person achieves what he wants does not make him a winner.
Imagine: every morning you wake up with a feeling of hopeless melancholy that poisons your every thought.
Imagine being so desperately bored that you can never be consistent or happy.
Imagine looking at your “friends” and “loved ones” and seeing them as objects to be used, clowns for daily entertainment.
Imagine that this feeling is in no way connected with specific people who are nearby at the moment.
Imagine being unable to feel love, vulnerability, trust and compassion.
Imagine that your only pleasure is to fool other people by watching them rush around with you.
Imagine that all your relationships are developing according to the same destructive destructive scenario that was carefully planned by you.
And not once in your life, not for a second have you felt those high, wonderful experiences that make life worth living.
It is difficult to discern what is hidden behind the “happy” facade of a sociopath’s life, which he carefully maintains in the eyes of others, but in essence we have described his life quite accurately.
9. Why don't they just leave us alone? What's the point of dragging this relationship out "to the bitter end"?
One of the most important questions victims ask themselves after ending a relationship with a psychopath is:“Why didn’t he just break up with me?” He spent many months lying, deceiving and courting a new victim. He criticized and boycotted you - acted as if you were to blame for the relationship not working out.
In fact, he has simply already found a replacement for you. So the question is: why not just leave you? What was the point of dragging out the relationship until the bitter end?
This is what makes a relationship with a psychopath different from anything you have ever experienced.
He wants to see you suffer. He wants to watch your self-destruction. He wants you to believe that you are crazy and jealous out of nowhere, even if he is actually cheating on you.
Sometimes it even seems to you that he wants you to leave him. But just at the moment when you finally decide to do this, he suddenly backs up, expressing conflicting feelings reminiscent of the stage of idealization. Just when you assume that you still have a chance, he will suddenly turn the situation upside down.
The point is to keep you around for as long as possible so that you can use your desperation gestures to demonstrate your “craziness” to your new victim.
In the end, they choose the most cruel and hurtful way to leave you. You will think that this is due to a lack of sensitivity, or because he was afraid of hurting your pride.
But in reality, everything is quite the opposite. He had many opportunities to end things with you earlier, but he made the decision to watch you suffer.
No normal person can enjoy watching someone beg and plead for mercy. Only psychopaths enjoy other people's pain. Only psychopaths cheat on their partner and accuse him of “pathological jealousy.”
This is the answer to your why question. Yes, because psychopaths are constantly bored! And because the situation when you rush around him temporarily relieves this boredom.
10. I need to forgive a psychopath, right? For my own peace of mind, I must “forgive and let him go.”
Many of us go through a stage where we think, “if I just forgive my abuser, I’ll be happy again.” This may be the last step on the road to recovery, but it is important to remember that healing is truly a lifelong journey. It doesn't have a linear beginning and end, but if you believe forgiveness should be a means of healing for you, just keep the following in mind.
The old saying goes that time heals all wounds, and to some extent this is true. In the recovery process, the problem is that over time the really bad things that actually happened are forgotten.
This is the healing mechanism of our soul - selective amnesia, which protects against painful memories. You may come to the idea of forgiveness and invite your ex-partner to have a quiet conversation over lunch, just to finally reconcile.
Don't be fooled: your distorted perception is pulling you back. You are simply projecting your own post-recovery state of happiness and optimism onto how you perceive the psychopath to feel about you.
This is actually a healthy process that helps suppress anxious thoughts. But you absolutely should not be fooled by the illusion of improving relations.
Consider the progress of your well-being to be your own merit. Realize that you feel better because you are away from the psychopath, and not because you are both ready for a mutual compromise. His return to your life will set you back and make your condition worse.
If you decide to forgive a psychopath, please keep it a private matter. Just because Forgiveness does not mean bringing a psychopath back into your life..
And, of course, there is no need to tell him that you have forgiven him. True forgiveness comes from within, and you don't need another person to express your feelings to them.
If you can't forgive a psychopath, that's okay too. This does not mean at all that you are harboring a grudge and are torn by pain from within. The absence of forgiveness also has its nobility.
Some abuse survivors feel that forgiving their abuser hurts their best feelings, and I completely understand. This is your personal decision: someone else’s soul is darkness. Do what you think is best for yourself, because only you know how it can be done.
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! © econet
Can “dark” qualities help you achieve professional success? Sometimes scientific research reveals things we might prefer not to know.
For example, organizational psychologists studied cadets at West Point Military Academy to understand which personal traits might better predict success. Quality #1? Narcissism!
“It was surprising,” says Seth Spain, assistant professor of organizational behavior at Binghamton University's School of Management. “The cadets were examined on various aspects of leadership. Narcissism was noted in almost all of them. That was the only overall positive effect.”
Intrigued (and perhaps a little scared), the researchers decided to find out more about how unpleasant personality traits can lead to professional success. So the team led by Spain conducted an exhaustive review of more than 140 studies and published their findings in a new report " DarksidepersonalitiesVaction." The report identifies three personality traits—the “Dark Triad”—that can propel their owners to the heights of success.
At least for a while. From Julius Caesar to Bernie Madoff, anyone with too much of the Dark Triad will eventually fail. “For the most part, these traits are associated with career derailment at some point,” Spain says. “If you don't have exceptional talent, you will end up alienating your colleagues, employees and clients.”
Meanwhile, people free of these traits can benefit from knowing about them. We can see how the Dark Triad helps people work and take some of these qualities for themselves. Rarely enough, at the right moment, to do something differently.
Narcissists inspire enthusiasm
Think Napoleon and Steve Jobs. Narcissists achieve amazing things, usually because their needs and desires come before everything and everyone else. They also go to great lengths to achieve their goals. Most importantly, they are very strong at getting others on their side.
“Narcissists are great at presenting themselves and their ideas, they infect staff with incredible enthusiasm, which is very important. People come from them thinking, “This is so cool! This looks like a great opportunity!” says Spain.
One definition of leadership is the ability to clearly articulate a goal or idea and get others to follow it. And only a little narcissism can help you do this. So if you take on something, don't be shy about being narcissistic. It's amazing, but it's the best idea you've ever heard."
Manipulators know how to influence others
A master manipulator knows all the buttons that need to be pressed to get what he wants from the people around him. There are many ways to influence others, including praise or flattery, forming political alliances, bargaining, and even threats.
Spain says most of us tend to use only one or two of these influence tactics. Most often - clumsy attempts at ingratiation. You may think it's funny, but the act of manipulating people to benefit both you and yourself is the essence of good leadership. Thus, we must be willing - in moderation - to try the full range of tactics to influence others if the end results are worth it.
Psychopaths don't look back
Just a second. Are our most successful leaders psychopaths? No, no, no! When most people hear the word “psychopath,” they think of a serial killer, for example. But organizational psychologists have something else in mind. “Non-clinical” psychopaths are simply eager to put themselves ahead of other people. Additionally, they feel little or no shame or remorse when they have done something wrong. They are the darkest of the Dark Triad. But, as Spain notes, “they can recover from failure very quickly.” As a result, they are very prone to making mistakes and taking risks.
And these are qualities that every leader can use. We can learn a lot about resilience from psychopaths themselves. The absence of shame and guilt is generally bad for social relationships, so we should not imitate them. On the other hand, everyone can use their example to learn to say: “I made a mistake, admitted it and moved on.”
The question is not entirely stupid and very appropriate, because, firstly, sometimes it is necessary to completely let go of the situation, and secondly, no matter how trivial it may sound, evil must be punished and the victim’s desire to punish his tormentor is completely legitimate. The only question is how to do it. Of course, I really want to change places with him, but this is impossible, because he is incapable of love. It is, in principle, possible to seriously hurt his pride and temporarily put him in your current position, but this can only be done by an even bigger bastard than him, with a long history of bullying people. Even if you, in despair, decide to become a manipulator and repeat all the nasty things he did to you, in order to cope with him, you will need to train your skills on a dozen good people, and then take on him. Are you ready to do this? If not, then forget about restoring this ugly relationship for the purpose of revenge. Otherwise you will fall into this trap again.
So, it is no longer possible to influence what happened. What remains for us? Remainspublicity. The manipulator fears her like fire! For his activities it is necessary to maintain the image of a good person, and you will spoil him very badly by ruining this image. And you’ll also save a couple of good people from this creature.
1. Tell the story of your relationship in full detail to all mutual acquaintances and, in general, to as many people as possible. Try to make the manipulative tactics in your story clear. And ask those who sympathize with you to retell it to as many people as possible.
2. Make the situation public via the Internet. Just describe everything briefly but clearly on several forums where there may be people from your city. If we are talking about heterosexual relationships, state your real name and his real name, attach a photo of him. If we are talking about homosexual relationships, name, say, a few iconic habits and describe your appearance in words.
3. Option for the most desperate: get in touch with his new girlfriend and tell her your story in every detail. One of my friends did just that - and what do you think? A month later, the new woman sent the pervert to hell, completely!
Of course, this act requires a certain courage, because most people are idiots: they will look at shit and ask whether it is shit. They may feel sorry for you, they will gossip about you, they will give you stupid advice, there will certainly be idiots who will yap about “it’s Samadur’s fault”, “there are always two people to blame for the collapse of a relationship” and “there’s nothing to teach us, we’re all clairvoyants here, unlike you , and we recognize bastards right away.” But 10-20% will understand it right. There may be comrades in misfortune, and together you will look for ways out of the crisis. And most importantly: your story will be taken into account by, in fact, absolutely everyone, without even wanting it. Even the lowest idiot has an instinct of self-preservation, and as soon as your ex or someone else from the same fraternity starts playing tricks on him, he will immediately remember your story and think: it seems she was right - he really is shit. And that's what we need.
Good luck!
Destructive people - carriers of malignant narcissism, psychopathy and antisocial traits - often demonstrate inappropriate behavior in relationships, as a result exploiting, humiliating and offending their partners, family and friends.
They use many distracting maneuvers designed to misinform the victim and shift responsibility for what is happening onto him. These techniques are used by narcissistic individuals, such as psychopaths and sociopaths, to avoid responsibility for their actions.
We list two dozen not-so-clean techniques with which inadequate people humiliate others and silence them.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a manipulative technique that is most easily illustrated by the following typical phrases: “It didn’t happen,” “You imagined it,” and “Are you crazy?”Gaslighting is perhaps one of the most insidious manipulation techniques because it aims to distort and undermine your sense of reality; it eats away at your ability to trust yourself, and as a result you begin to doubt the validity of your complaints about abuse and mistreatment.
When a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath uses these tactics against you, you automatically take their side to resolve the resulting cognitive dissonance. Two irreconcilable reactions are fighting in your soul: either he is mistaken, or my own feelings. The manipulator will try to convince you that the first is completely excluded, and the last is the pure truth, indicating your inadequacy.
Projection
One sure sign of destructiveness is when a person is chronically unwilling to see his own shortcomings and uses everything in his power to avoid responsibility for them. This is called projection.
Projection is a defense mechanism used to displace responsibility for one's negative character traits and behavior by attributing them to another. Thus, the manipulator avoids admitting his guilt and responsibility for the consequences.
While we all engage in projection to some degree, narcissistic disorder clinical specialist Dr. Martinez-Levy notes that for narcissists, projection often becomes a form of psychological abuse.
Instead of admitting their own shortcomings, flaws and misdeeds, narcissists and sociopaths choose to blame their own vices on their unsuspecting victims in the most unpleasant and cruel way.
Instead of admitting that they could use some self-care, they choose to instill shame in their victims by making them responsible for their behavior. In this way, the narcissist makes others feel the same bitter shame that he feels towards himself.
For example, a pathological liar may accuse his partner of lying; a needy wife may call her husband “clingy” in an attempt to make him appear dependent; a bad employee may call a boss ineffective to avoid having a truthful conversation about his own performance.
Narcissistic sadists love to play the blame game. The goals of the game: they win, you lose, the result is that you or the whole world as a whole are to blame for everything that happened to them. So you have to nurse their fragile ego, and in return you are pushed into a sea of insecurity and self-criticism. Cool idea, right?
Solution? Don't "project" your own feelings of compassion or empathy onto the destructive person, and don't take on their toxic projections onto yourself. As manipulation expert Dr. George Simon writes in his book In Sheep's Clothing (2010), projecting one's own conscience and value system onto others can encourage further exploitation.
Narcissists on the extreme end of the spectrum tend to be completely uninterested in self-reflection and change. It is important to break off all relationships and ties with destructive people as soon as possible in order to rely on your own reality and begin to value yourself. You don't have to live in the cesspool of other people's dysfunctions.
Hell of a pointless conversation
If you are hoping for thoughtful communication with a destructive personality, you will be disappointed: instead of an attentive interlocutor, you will get an epic brain blockage.Narcissists and sociopaths use stream of consciousness, circle talk, personalization, projection, and gaslighting to confuse and confuse you when you disagree or challenge them.
This is done to discredit, distract and frustrate you, lead you away from the main topic and make you feel guilty for being a living person with real thoughts and feelings that dare to differ from their own. In their eyes, the whole problem is your existence.
All it takes is ten minutes of arguing with a narcissist and you’ll already be wondering how you got into this in the first place. You just disagreed with his ridiculous statement that the sky is red, and now your entire childhood, family, friends, career and lifestyle are mixed with dirt. This is because your disagreement contradicts his false belief that he is all-powerful and all-knowing, which leads to what is called narcissistic injury.
Remember: destructive people are not arguing with you, they are, in fact, arguing with themselves, you are just an accomplice in a long, exhausting monologue. They love drama and live for it. Trying to come up with an argument to refute their ridiculous claims, you are only throwing more wood on the fire.
Don't feed narcissists - rather feed yourself the understanding that the problem is not you, but their abusive behavior. Stop communicating as soon as you feel the first signs of narcissism, and spend this time doing something pleasant.
Generalizations and unfounded statements
Narcissists cannot always boast of outstanding intelligence - many of them are not used to thinking at all. Instead of taking the time to understand different points of view, they make generalizations based on whatever you say, ignoring the nuances of your argument and your attempts to take into account different opinions.And it’s even easier to put some kind of label on you - this automatically negates the value of any statement you make.
On a larger scale, generalizations and unfounded statements are often used to devalue phenomena that do not fit into baseless social prejudices, patterns and stereotypes; they are also used to maintain the status quo.
In this way, one aspect of the problem gets blown out of proportion so much that serious conversation becomes impossible. For example, when popular figures are accused of rape, many are quick to cry out that such accusations are sometimes false.
And, although false accusations do occur, they are still quite rare, and in this case, the actions of one person are attributed to the majority, while the specific accusation is ignored.
These everyday microaggressions are typical in destructive relationships. For example, you tell a narcissist that his behavior is unacceptable, and in response he immediately makes an unfounded statement about your oversensitivity or a generalization like: “You are always unhappy with everything” or “Nothing suits you at all,” instead of paying attention to the real problem that has arisen.
Yes, you may be oversensitive sometimes - but it's just as likely that your abuser is insensitive and callous most of the time.
Stick to the truth and try to resist unfounded generalizations, because they are just a form of completely illogical black and white thinking. Behind destructive people who throw out unfounded generalizations, there is not all the wealth of human experience - only their own limited experience, coupled with an inflated sense of self-worth.
Deliberate distortion of your thoughts and feelings to the point of complete absurdity
In the hands of a narcissist or sociopath, your differences of opinion, justifiable emotions and real experiences turn into character flaws and evidence of your irrationality.Narcissists make up stories, paraphrasing what you say to make your position seem absurd or unacceptable. Let's say you tell a destructive friend that you don't like the way he talks to you.
In response, he twists your words: “Oh, and with us, then, you are perfection itself?” or “So you think I’m bad?” - although you just expressed your feelings. This gives them the opportunity to invalidate your right to have thoughts and emotions about their inappropriate behavior and instills guilt in you when you try to set boundaries.
This common distraction is a cognitive bias called “mind reading.” Destructive people believe they know your thoughts and feelings. They regularly jump to conclusions based on their own reactions instead of listening carefully to you.
They act accordingly based on their own illusions and misconceptions and never apologize for the harm they cause as a result. Great masters of putting words into other people's mouths, they present you as bearers of completely wild intentions and opinions.
They accuse you of thinking they are inadequate even before you make a comment about their behavior, and this is also a form of proactive defense.
The best way to draw a clear line with such a person is to simply say, “I didn’t say that,” and end the conversation if he continues to accuse you of things you didn’t do or say. As long as a destructive person has the ability to shift blame and divert the conversation away from his own behavior, he will continue to instill in you a feeling of shame for daring to contradict him about something.
Nitpicking and changing the rules of the game
The difference between constructive and destructive criticism is the absence of personal attacks and unattainable standards. These so-called "critics" have no desire to help you become a better person - they just love to find fault, put you down, and make you a scapegoat.Narcissistic sadists and sociopaths resort to a sophism called "game changing" to ensure that they have every reason to be constantly dissatisfied with you. This is when, even after you have provided all kinds of evidence to support your argument or accepted all possible measures to satisfy their request, they present you with a new demand or want more evidence.
Do you have a successful career? The narcissist will find fault with you as to why you are not yet a multimillionaire. Have you satisfied his need to be babysat around the clock? Now prove that you can remain “independent”.
The rules of the game will constantly change and could easily even contradict each other; The only goal of this game is to make you seek the narcissist's attention and approval.
By constantly raising the bar of expectations or completely replacing them with new ones, destructive manipulators can instill in you a pervasive feeling of worthlessness and a constant fear of inadequacy. By highlighting one minor episode or one mistake you made and blowing it out of proportion, the narcissist forces you to forget about your own strengths and instead worry about your weaknesses or shortcomings all the time.
This forces you to think about the new expectations that you will now have to live up to, and as a result, you bend over backwards to satisfy his every demand - and in the end it turns out that he still treats you poorly.
Don’t be fooled by nagging and changing the rules of the game - if a person prefers to suck up some insignificant episode over and over again, while not paying attention to all your attempts to confirm that you are right or satisfy his demands, it means that he is not driven by the desire to understand you. He is driven by the desire to instill in you the feeling that you must constantly strive to earn his approval. Appreciate and approve of yourself. Know that you are a whole person and should not constantly feel ungrateful or unworthy.
Changing the subject to avoid responsibility
I call this maneuver “what am I doing?” syndrome. This is a literal digression from the topic under discussion in order to shift attention to something completely different. Narcissists do not want to discuss the issue of their personal responsibility, so they steer the conversation in the direction they want. Are you complaining that he doesn't spend time with the kids? It will remind you of the mistake you made seven years ago. This maneuver knows no time or thematic framework and often begins with the words: “And when did you...”At the societal level, these techniques are used to derail discussions that challenge the status quo. A conversation about gay rights, for example, can be derailed if one of the participants raises the issue of another pressing issue, diverting everyone's attention from the original dispute.
As Tara Moss, author of Speaking Out: A 21st Century Handbook for Women and Girls, points out, issues need specificity to be addressed and addressed properly—that doesn't mean the topics raised along the way aren't important, it just means that for every topic there's its time and its context.
Don't get distracted; if someone is trying to substitute concepts, use the “broken record” method, as I call it: continue to persistently repeat the facts without going away from the topic. Turn the arrows back, say: “That’s not what I’m talking about now. Let's not get distracted." If it doesn't help, stop the conversation and direct your energy in a more useful direction - for example, find someone to talk to who is not stuck at the mental development level of a three-year-old toddler.
Hidden and obvious threats
Narcissists and other destructive personalities feel very uncomfortable when their belief that the whole world owes them, a false sense of superiority or colossal self-esteem is questioned by someone. They tend to make unreasonable demands on others - and at the same time punish you for not meeting their unattainable expectations.Instead of dealing with differences maturely and seeking compromise, they try to deny you the right to your own opinion, trying to teach you to fear the consequences of any disagreement with them or non-compliance with their demands. They respond to any disagreement with an ultimatum; their standard reaction is “do this, otherwise I will do that.”
If, in response to your attempts to mark the line or express a different opinion, you hear a commanding tone and threats, be it veiled hints or detailed promises of punishment, this is a sure sign: before you is a person who is sure that everyone owes him, and he will never agree to compromise. Take threats seriously and show the narcissist that you mean business by documenting them if possible and reporting them to the proper authorities.
Insults
Narcissists proactively make mountains out of molehills whenever they sense the slightest threat to their sense of superiority. In their minds, only they are always right, and anyone who dares to say otherwise inflicts narcissistic injury on them, leading to narcissistic rage.According to Dr. Mark Goulston, narcissistic rage is not the result of low self-esteem, but rather a belief in one's own infallibility and a false sense of superiority.
In the lowest of this type, narcissistic rage takes the form of insults when they fail to otherwise influence your opinions or emotions. Insults are a quick and easy way to offend, humiliate and ridicule your intelligence, appearance or behavior, while simultaneously depriving you of your right to be human. with your own opinion.
Insults can also be used to criticize your beliefs, opinions, and ideas. A valid point or convincing rebuttal suddenly becomes “ridiculous” or “idiotic” in the hands of a narcissist or sociopath who feels hurt but has nothing meaningful to say back.
Unable to find the strength to attack your argument, the narcissist attacks you yourself, trying in every possible way to undermine your authority and cast doubt on your mental abilities. As soon as insults are used, it is necessary to interrupt further communication and clearly state that you do not intend to tolerate this.
Don't take it personally: understand that they only use insults because they don't know any other way to get their point across.
"Training"
Destructive people teach you to associate your strengths, talents, and happy memories with abuse, disappointment, and disrespect. To this end, they casually make derogatory statements about your qualities and properties that they themselves once admired, and also sabotage your goals, ruin your holidays, vacations and weekends.They can even isolate you from friends and family and make you financially dependent on them. You, like Pavlov’s dogs, are essentially “trained,” making you afraid to do everything that once made your life rich.
Narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and other destructive personalities do this to divert all the attention to yourself and how you can meet their needs. If some external factor can prevent them from completely and completely controlling your life, they seek to destroy it. They need to be in the spotlight all the time. During the idealization stage, you were the center of the narcissist's world - and now the narcissist must be the center of your world.
In addition, narcissists are pathologically jealous by nature and cannot stand the thought of anything that could even slightly protect you from their influence. To them, your happiness represents everything that is not available to them in their emotionally barren existence.
After all, if you find that you can get respect, love and support from someone who is non-destructive, then what will stop you from breaking up with them? In the hands of a destructive person, “training” is an effective way to make you tiptoe and always stop halfway towards your dreams.
Slander and Harassment
When destructive personalities cannot control how you perceive yourself, they begin to control how others perceive you; they take on the role of a martyr, making you out to be destructive.Slander and gossip are a pre-emptive strike designed to destroy your reputation and tarnish your name so that you have no support if you do decide to end the relationship and leave your destructive partner. They may even stalk and harass you or someone you know, supposedly to “expose” you; such “exposure” is just a way to hide their own destructive behavior by projecting it onto you.
Sometimes gossip turns two or even entire groups of people against each other. The victim in a destructive relationship with a narcissist often does not know what is being said about him while the relationship lasts, but usually the whole truth comes out when it breaks down.
Destructive people will gossip behind your back (and to your face too), tell nasty things about you to you or their loved ones, spread rumors that make you out to be the aggressor and them the victim, and attribute to you exactly the kind of actions that you accuse them of most feared.
In addition, they will methodically, secretly and deliberately offend you, so that they can then cite your reactions as evidence that they are the “victim” in your relationship.
The best way to counter slander is to always control yourself and stick to the facts. This is especially true for high-conflict divorces with narcissists, who may deliberately provoke you so that they can then use your reactions against you.
If possible, document any forms of harassment, intimidation and abuse (including online), and try to communicate with the narcissist only through your lawyer. If we are talking about harassment and intimidation, you should contact law enforcement; It is advisable to find a lawyer who is knowledgeable about narcissistic personality disorder. Your honesty and sincerity will speak for itself when the narcissist's mask begins to slip.
Love bombing and devaluation
Destructive people lead you through an idealization phase until you take the bait and begin a friendship or romantic relationship with them. Then they begin to devalue you, expressing contempt for everything that attracted them to you in the first place.Another typical case is when a destructive person puts you on a pedestal and begins to aggressively devalue and humiliate someone else who threatens his sense of superiority.
Narcissists do this all the time: they scold their exes in front of new partners, and over time they begin to treat new ones with the same disdain. Ultimately, any partner of a narcissist will experience the same things as the previous ones.
In such a relationship, you will inevitably become another ex, whom he will vilify in the same way with his next girlfriend. You just don't know it yet. So don't forget about the love bombing method if your partner's behavior with others is in stark contrast to the sugary sweetness he exhibits in his relationship with you.
As life coach Wendy Powell advises, a good way to counter love bombing from someone you find potentially destructive is to take things slow.
Keep in mind that the way a person speaks about others can foreshadow how they will one day treat you.
Preventive defense
When someone strongly emphasizes that he/she is a “nice guy” or a “nice girl”, they immediately begin to tell you that you should “trust him/her”, or out of the blue assures you of their honesty - be careful.Destructive and violent individuals exaggerate their ability to be kind and compassionate. They often tell you that you should “trust” them without first establishing a solid foundation for that trust.
They can skillfully “disguise” by portraying a high level of sympathy and empathy at the beginning of your relationship, only to later reveal their true identity. When the cycle of abuse reaches the stage of devaluation, the mask begins to slip and you see their true nature: terribly cold, callous and dismissive.
Truly good people rarely need to constantly boast about their positive qualities - they exude warmth rather than talk about it, and know that actions are much more important than words. They know that trust and respect are a two-way street that requires reciprocity rather than constant indoctrination.
To combat preventive defense, think about why a person emphasizes his good qualities. Because he thinks you don't trust him - or because he knows he's not trustworthy? Judge not by empty words, but by actions; it is actions that will tell you whether the person in front of you is who he says he is.
Triangulation
Referring to an opinion, point of view, or the threat of bringing an outsider into a communication dynamic is called “triangulation.” A common technique for asserting the rightness of a destructive individual and invalidating the reactions of his victim, triangulation often leads to love triangles in which you feel defenseless and unstable.Narcissists love to triangulate their partner with strangers, colleagues, ex-spouses, friends and even family members in order to create jealousy and insecurity in them. They also use the opinions of others to prove their point of view.
This maneuver is intended to divert your attention from psychological abuse and present the narcissist in a positive image of a popular, desirable person. Plus, you begin to doubt yourself: since Mary agrees with Tom, it turns out that I’m still wrong? In fact, narcissists are happy to “tell” you nasty things that others allegedly said about you, even though they themselves say nasty things behind your back.
To counter triangulation, remember that whoever the narcissist triangulates you with, that person is also triangulated by your relationship with the narcissist. Essentially, the narcissist is in charge of all roles. Answer him with your own “triangulation” - find the support of a third party beyond his control, and do not forget that your position also has value.
Lure and pretend to be innocent
Destructive personalities create a false sense of security to make it easier for them to demonstrate their cruelty. Once such a person drags you into a meaningless, random quarrel, it will quickly escalate into a showdown, because he does not know the feeling of respect.Minor disagreement can be a bait, and even if at first you restrain yourself within the bounds of politeness, you will quickly realize that it is driven by a malicious desire to humiliate you.
Having “lured” you with a seemingly innocent comment disguised as a rational argument, they begin to play with you. Remember: narcissists know your weaknesses, unpleasant phrases that undermine your self-confidence, and painful topics that open old wounds - and they use this knowledge in their schemes to provoke you.
After you swallow the bait whole, the narcissist will calm down and innocently ask if you are “okay”, assuring that he “didn’t mean to” upset your soul. This feigned innocence takes you by surprise and forces you to believe that he didn't really mean to hurt you, until it starts happening so often that you can no longer deny his obvious malevolence.
It is advisable to immediately understand when they are trying to lure you in order to stop communication as soon as possible. Common luring techniques include provocative statements, insults, offensive accusations, or unfounded generalizations.
Trust your intuition: if a certain phrase seemed somehow “not right” to you, and this feeling did not go away even after the interlocutor interpreted it, perhaps this is a signal that you should take your time to comprehend the situation before reacting.
Boundary testing and vacuum cleaner tactics
Narcissists, sociopaths, and other destructive individuals constantly test your boundaries to see which ones can be violated. The more violations they can commit with impunity, the further they will go.This is why survivors of emotional and physical abuse often face even more abuse whenever they decide to return to their abusers.
Abusers often resort to “vacuum cleaner tactics,” sucking their victims back in with sweet promises, fake repentances, and empty words about how they will change, only to subject them to more abuse.
In the sick mind of the abuser, this testing of boundaries serves as punishment for trying to resist the abuse, as well as for returning to it. When a narcissist tries to start over, reinforce your boundaries rather than retreat from them.
Remember: manipulators do not respond to empathy and compassion. They only react to consequences.
Aggressive injections disguised as jokes
Covert narcissists love to say mean things to you. They pass them off as “just jokes,” as if reserving the right to make disgusting comments while maintaining an innocent calm. But as soon as you get angry with rude, unpleasant remarks, they accuse you of lacking a sense of humor. This is a common technique for verbal abuse.The manipulator is betrayed by a contemptuous grin and a sadistic gleam in his eyes: like a predator playing with prey, he takes pleasure in the fact that he can offend you with impunity. It's just a joke, right?
Not like that. This is a way to convince you that his insults are just a joke, a way to shift the conversation from his cruelty to your supposed hypersensitivity. In such cases, it is important to stand your ground and make it clear that you will not tolerate such treatment.
When you bring these hidden insults to the manipulator's attention, he can easily resort to gaslighting, but continue to defend your position that his behavior is unacceptable, and if this does not help, stop communicating with him.
Condescending sarcasm and patronizing tone
Belittling and humiliating others is a destructive person's forte, and tone of voice is just one of many tools in his arsenal. Making sarcastic remarks at each other can be fun when it is mutual, but the narcissist resorts to sarcasm solely as a way of manipulation and humiliation. And if this offends you, it means you are “overly sensitive.”It doesn’t matter that he himself throws tantrums every time someone dares to criticize his inflated ego - no, it’s the victim who is “oversensitive.” When you are constantly treated like a child and challenged on your every statement, you develop a natural fear of expressing your feelings without fear of reprimand.
This kind of self-censorship saves the abuser from having to shut you up because you are doing it yourself.
When confronted with a condescending demeanor or patronizing tone, state it clearly and clearly. You don’t deserve to be spoken to like a child, and certainly you don’t have to remain silent to please someone’s delusions of grandeur.
Shaming
“Shame on you!” - a favorite saying of destructive people. Although it can be heard from completely normal people, in the mouths of a narcissist and a psychopath, shaming is an effective method of combating any views and actions that threaten their undivided power.It is also used to destroy and nullify the victim's sense of self-worth: if the victim dares to be proud of something, then instilling shame in her for that particular attribute, quality or achievement can lower her self-esteem and strangle all pride at the root.
Narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths love to use your wounds against you; they may even make you feel ashamed of the hurt or violence you have suffered, causing you further psychological trauma.
Did you experience violence as a child? A narcissist or sociopath will make you feel like you somehow deserved it or brag about your own happy childhood to make you feel inadequate and worthless.
What better way to offend you than to pick at old wounds? Like a doctor in reverse, a destructive person seeks to deepen your wound rather than heal it.
If you suspect that you are dealing with a destructive person, try to hide your vulnerabilities or long-standing psychological traumas from him. Until he proves that he can be trusted, you should not give him information that could later be used against you.
Control
Most importantly, destructive people seek to control you in any way they can. They isolate you, manage your finances and social circles, and control every aspect of your life. But the most powerful tool in their arsenal is playing on your feelings.This is why narcissists and sociopaths create conflict situations out of the blue, just to make you feel insecure and unstable. That is why they constantly argue over trifles and get angry at the slightest reason.
This is why they become emotionally withdrawn, and then rush to idealize you again as soon as they feel that they are losing control. This is why they fluctuate between their true and false selves, and you never feel psychologically safe because you cannot understand what your partner really is.
The more power they have over your emotions, the more difficult it will be for you to trust your feelings and recognize that you are a victim of psychological abuse. By learning about manipulative techniques and how they undermine your self-confidence, you can understand what you're up against and at least try to regain control of your own life and stay away from destructive people.
