Time passes, your friends are all already married, many have become happy mothers, but you still can’t experience the aching and exciting feeling of love? Well, that happens. But you are lucky, at least you have a guy who is seriously in love and wants to connect his life with you. On the one hand, your heart is cold, and you breathe towards it completely evenly. And I really want it to take your breath away at the mere thought of your loved one and for the earth to disappear from under your feet! But on the other hand, where is the guarantee that you will not doom yourself to loneliness if you push away a person who is ready to do anything for you? Or maybe try to change something in yourself, try to fall in love with him too?
It is difficult to say whether you can force yourself to experience feelings for a man if initially there is not even a slight crush. It’s not for nothing that they say that you can’t command your heart. But if you have at least friendly feelings for him, then there is still hope. We are confident that love should be based primarily on sincere friendship. All relationships based solely on pure infatuation or passion tend to break down much faster. Therefore, we will tell you how to fall in love with a guy who already loves you, and you try to follow our advice.
How to love someone
A number of recommendations that you will see below will not light a fire in your heart quickly, as if by magic. But the fact that your friendship will strengthen is certain. You will be able to experience a feeling of affection, and affection will be the first step towards falling in love with your boyfriend. And if love appears, then you can fall in love with the guy for real. So what should you do?
- Love is a deep feeling. It will take time to develop it, and when you manage to fall in love, you will immediately understand it. Don’t rush yourself, be patient and enjoy warm, friendly affection, instead of tormenting yourself with doubts: “I love you or I don’t love you.”
- Be attentive to your chosen one. Take time to listen to him, understand his thoughts, concerns, problems and opinions. Never interrupt a guy when he is talking, and try to make sure that you understand exactly what he wanted to tell you. Perhaps you still don’t know him that well? Sometimes a person does not immediately reveal to others all the richness of his soul and inner world, especially if he sees that they are not listening to him very carefully. What is a real relationship without trying to understand each other? And in general, before falling in love, you should get to know the person well.
- Spend time together more often. This will help you get used to it and find common interests. By being around each other often, you will allow your feelings to emerge and grow naturally.
- Don't forget that loneliness can also be useful. If you suddenly feel that your boyfriend’s company is starting to irritate you, then ask yourself: are we spending too much time together? If this is indeed the case, then try to explain to your friend that you need more personal space and that you would like to spend hours or even days alone from time to time. When this possibility is reduced to zero, then instead of warm feelings you risk feeling hostility, and then you will never be able to fall in love with your boyfriend.
- Try not to criticize to yourself any actions, words or character traits of your friend. It is always better to remember the best that he has. Even if something is really wrong, don’t get angry, just talk to him about it. It may well be that the guy did not even attach importance to the little thing that annoys you so much, and when he finds out about it, he will try not to upset you anymore. But if you like something, be sure to praise it, give compliments. You will see - he will be happy with your praises, and from now on he will try very hard to please you.
- Try not to argue about silly little things that really don't matter that much in the long run. Any argument will irritate you, which can ultimately lead to hostility. But you want to fall in love, not hate, right?
- If you do start arguing, and maybe even quarreling, then don’t try to find out everything right now. Try to calm down, and then discuss everything with a cool head. It’s worth even apologizing for your incontinence. This will free you both from the feeling of resentment that has crept into your soul.
- Share with your boyfriend any, even the smallest, joy and sadness, and do not forget to share with him his joys and troubles. This brings the two very close, makes their souls closer. Just always be honest and sincere in expressing your feelings. Any, even the most insignificant deception forever leaves cracks in relationships.
- Don't try to change yourself. Appreciate your quirks and characteristics, let your behavior always be natural. All this is part of your uniqueness, which cannot be more valuable than anything. You shouldn’t try to change anything about a guy, or “re-educate” him. You just need to be patient, get used to it, get attached to it, and love will eventually be born in your heart.
Advising in love is a thankless task. But there are things that cannot be said about either. We'll talk about this now:
- Don't overdo it when building a relationship: love should be happy and give the feeling of something refreshing. If it becomes a routine, it simply dies.
- Love should be a consolation, not a source of pain and suffering.
- Do not say that you love, just under pressure from the outside, if in fact there is no feeling for it. Pressure and control cannot be part of a good relationship. You can only love when you want it, and not when someone else wants it.
- Try to understand your friend and learn to compromise. Without this, there will also be no good relationship.
- Remember: love is never only “consuming”. If you want to love, learn to share and even give.
- Very important: if you stop feeling love in the depths of your soul, then it will be very painful for you if you force yourself to be close to this person. Likewise, nothing will force your partner to stay with you if his feelings fade. But it is also important to remember that the first romantic feelings will inevitably dissipate, but love is not based on them at all. Much more important is mutual understanding, affection, respect, friendly feelings and sympathy for a person in order to continue to love him.
- If your relationship has not yet reached sex and you do not want to have it, then you should not do it just because your boyfriend wants it. Even if you have already fallen in love with him. Don’t fall for arguments like “if you love me, then you will do this!” Consenting to sex (if it goes against your wishes) is not proof of love. In this case, you have the right to put forward your argument: “If you love me, you won’t rush me!”
- You shouldn’t constantly follow the lead and do everything the way your boyfriend wants it. People get the feeling that we have no opinion if we do everything that is suggested to us. Don't be afraid to say no to your friend or to have your own way if you disagree. This does not stop you from loving him, just as it does not stop him from loving you, because every person has the right to his own opinion. Most importantly, don't forget common sense.
- Never ignore the alarm bells in the depths of your soul (when the feeling “something is wrong here…”) Remember - no one will be nice to you by force.
But in reality, everything is not so difficult and scary. It is quite possible to love a person, the main thing is that he deserves your love. And so that you feel comfortable around him. Remember - no one falls in love at first sight; If this happens, it is more likely passion, not love. Love comes gradually when you get to know a person well and get used to the fact that he is constantly next to you. So be patient and fall in love!
Question for a psychologist:
I can't fall in love!
This may sound very stupid and strange, but I just can’t fall in love no matter how hard I try. I am starting to think that the man will not give me freedom and will completely calculate my every step. From the outside it’s fear, but I don’t know how to deal with it. I understand with my mind that this is wrong, but I can’t explain it to my emotions. I have never had a serious relationship, let alone I have never kissed, and I haven’t even gone on dates. The problem is that when a man is next to me, I have panic fear, but it does not last long; if I notice that he is not interested in me (in terms of being a girl), then I can calmly talk to him about various topics and enjoy the communication. But when they start showing me attention and compliments, I’m as red as a tomato and I start to feel ashamed of everything in the world and I feel extremely uncomfortable. At such moments, I look like a fish that has really forgotten how to talk. I really want to control myself and my emotions, but as others notice, I can’t do this; you can say everything I’m thinking about is written on my face.
As for the family, I understand that all problems are deep in childhood. So my father is extremely strict, he always said what I was doing wrong, sometimes he and I can quarrel over some nonsense. My dad himself is very hot-tempered in terms of emotions and sometimes it hurts me. And my parents’ quarrels were constantly in front of my eyes, I’m starting to think that this is the norm in relationships, where there is constant swearing and hassle.
The main problems for me are that I am shy and very often think about what others will think of me. And maybe I have low self-esteem.
There was only one relationship with a guy that lasted a year, there was only correspondence, I communicated with him and I was pleased. The relationship is friendly, I mean, he wanted more but I didn’t let him in, there was only communication. But then everything suddenly stopped.
I don’t have much experience when it comes to relationships, I’d like to know what you think about it? Tell me please!
A psychologist answers the question.
Hello Arina!
In order to want something, you need to know what it is. So what is your understanding of falling in love?
Why am I asking this? Because it is impossible to “try” to force yourself to experience something that does not depend on your mind, but only on your feelings. Do you think this is a joyful feeling? What does a person in love look like (eyes, facial expressions, actions, words, intonation)? You, Arina, independently analyzed the reason for the distrust of male representatives through relationships in your family. This understanding is already the solution to half the problem. What to do? Change your response to your father’s outbursts and critical remarks. Then you will feel confident in your abilities and understand that we are treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated. You need to talk about what you don’t like without aggression. You are an individual and have the right to be respected. You have to learn this. And of course you need to work with self-esteem. How realistic is your low self-esteem? Distinguish the words and opinions of other people about you from the objective achievements that you should always keep in mind about yourself. You probably have something to respect yourself for, and it’s this self-respect that you need to build on.
There are words (attitudes) in your letter that may prevent a more direct expression of feelings: 1. “a man will not give me freedom and will completely calculate my every step” - all men are different, do not choose someone who will not trust you.
2. “I really want to control myself and my emotions, but as others notice, I can’t do this, you can say everything I think about is written on my face” - why do you need to learn hypocrisy? The more you control your emotions, the more inappropriately they will begin to erupt, even to the point of damaging your health. Do you need this? Stay yourself Arina. Over time, your self-confidence will strengthen and unnecessary embarrassment will disappear. Set goals, study, and your self-esteem will increase. After all, you will rely on real successes, and not on the opinions of people who are unlikely to be friendly if you feel uncomfortable after communicating with them.
3. “I am shy and very often think about what others will think of me.” -so that others don’t think about any of us, this thought is so fleeting that it’s not worth your attention Arina! For example, can you remember what you thought yesterday about the person you saw in the morning? After all, we constantly evaluate those around us, their words, etc., but people are so absorbed in their own affairs that their opinion should not bother you so much as to poison your life!
The habit of self-control must always be “diluted” with the ability to relax Arina! Learn to relax. Enjoy bodily comfort (for some this is swimming, the beach, music, sports, etc.) Trust your desires. Think right now: “What do I want?” If you can get it right now, do it! If not, then think about what needs to be done for this. Desires can be immediate, short-term and long-term. You can learn to trust yourself by first fulfilling the simplest desires. I am sure that you will learn to trust yourself, and therefore men. Love lives where there is trust!
Another man for you. Each next one, as they say, is better than the previous one.
Please understand, here too there is a frustration of the resource of love, but not at all the same as in the previous letter. And then I will write a post about those and other cases.
"Hello, Evolution!
I wish I knew about your blog a couple of years ago.
I saw letters from men on your blog and couldn’t resist deciding to write about my problem.
The fact is that I cannot fall in love or, using your terminology, my resource of love is frustrated. Although some time ago everything was completely different.
A little about myself:
I am a little under 30 years old.
A couple of years ago I broke up with my girlfriend, with whom I had lived for 10 years in a civil marriage. Our relationship was, in principle, balanced, but over time we became different, our interests, goals and social circles became different. But our feelings cooled down and only habit kept us together.
As a result, she left for a person who became closer to her than me.
You wrote in the post “First Aid for Infidelity” about the incredible storm of emotions during infidelity. I was very “swayed” due to the fact that my usual picture of the world was collapsing before my eyes. I couldn't really eat or sleep. I tried to meet a guy. He begged, promised, maybe not threatened. He gave me time to think and waited for her to return. I went so far as to hack into my ex’s VKontakte profile and smartphone and start tracking correspondence, calls, SMS and movements around the city.
But one day, in moments of clarity of my mind, I realized that my self-esteem was over and I simply turned into a rag, you could wipe your feet on me and I would ask for more.
So I packed my things and left. I found a place to live and a job (when we separated I was unemployed) in which I completely immersed myself. I realized that I needed to somehow work on myself, develop, and sat down at my laptop in search of literature.
Because of this, I became interested in pickup artistry and read forums and literature on the topic. I learned to use some tricks. There I also learned about the need for balance in relationships (pickup is not just about a quick meal), about pumping up your resources, and so on.
At the same time, at work, I met another girl, with whom, one might say, I fell in love at first sight. She was older than me, but to be honest, I had never met a person so close to me in character before. As it seemed to me then, she charged me with some kind of extraordinary energy, thanks to which I could move mountains.
Therefore, I began to work on myself with triple strength. Signed up for the gym. I took care of my appearance, which was not difficult, and simply bought new things instead of old ones that were worn to holes. I started learning to drive a car (she had one, I didn’t), and got a foreign passport.
I must say that in some respects she was better than me. A larger social circle, more earnings, more life experience in the end. Even now, when I remember my attempts to organize a beautiful date, I can’t help but grin, it looked so awkward and stupid.
I think it’s clear that in this new relationship, I slipped into a huge minus. And this relationship of plus and minus ended as it should have: she left me, soon after I proposed to start living together.
I tried to somehow get in touch, meet, talk. But in response to all my attempts to talk on the phone, she promised to call me back, which of course she didn’t do. I tried to meet her and talk on the weekend (she lived in another city and it was not possible to meet on a weekday), but she simply stopped picking up the phone.
Having survived this breakup, I again plunged headlong into work. I tripled my income and started working on opening my own business. I expanded my social circle and made new friends.
Of course, I had other relationships. And I really liked all the girls I had.
But the problem is that I stopped experiencing any strong feelings similar to those I had before. For the most part, sometimes these relationships even felt like a burden to me. Instead of going to a cafe with another girl, I preferred to work on my business. The maximum they could go to was to visit friends, or take a walk in the park. And more often than not, I simply did not call or write, I could only respond to SMS. Naturally, such coldness on my part completely cooled the ardor of the relationship that had just begun, which ended very quickly.
At the same time, I don’t have any special requirements for a girl. For me, the main thing is not appearance, but the emotions that a person and the relationship with him evokes in me. But alas, this is where it’s difficult.
As a result, I am somewhat more successful now than I was a couple of years ago, but to be honest, I’m not entirely happy about it. Because the resource of love is “tightly frustrated”. And my question is, how do I connect it?”
Natalya Sergeevna
Hello. My story is quite banal. At the age of 17, I met a young man and fell in love, mutually. He was crazy about me. We dated for 5 months and I left him. I left him because I once discussed him with my stepmother (we were like friends) and she got it into my head that I didn’t need him. Literally 3 days later I met someone else, fell in love again, mutually again, lived for 3 months. But when I went to another city and left, he left for someone else (literally a week later), and at first he tried to hide it from me, but I quickly saw through him. It was very painful... especially since I was alone in the city, had no friends, no relatives, and I was very scared. I really needed his support, but here it was... I suffered for 1.5 years. And she tried to survive this by keeping herself busy with at least something: playing sports, intensive study, participating in conferences, etc. It seemed to me that this was karma for past relationships :) Many young people courted me, but after the first date I told them “no”. In the summer I met a man, we started living almost immediately, then it turned out that he had no feelings for me, although I really liked taking care of him, I was very comfortable with him and at the same time we fought terribly and for some reason I liked it (probably because after 5 minutes everything was fine with us and it kept me on my toes), but I can’t say that I had any loving feelings. Finally, after 4 months I left him. Now a young man is looking after me, very sweet, at first I had some feelings, but literally today either my heart or my brain said that this was not mine... My mother is always pressuring me with this matter. Then she says that while only studying should be in my head, then I should already look for a man, and with a dowry, because she won’t approve of anyone else. My stepfather says that as long as I like him, but again he says that without his approval there will be no marriage... I’m trying to look at myself from the outside and love myself, but I still can’t... I’m very self-critical. Although there are reasons for this (I once received a refusal from a young man because I saw that they were too plump for him). I understand that you won’t be beautiful to everyone, but still. By the way, my stepfather also said a couple of times that it would be worth taking care of himself, like if he were young, he wouldn’t look at me. Even though I’ve lost a lot of weight now, I can’t love myself... And if I can’t love myself, then how can I love someone? In general, I don’t know what to do. ... For 2.5 years now I can’t even feel the feeling of falling in love, let alone love... Therefore, I turn to you for help...
Good evening, Natalya! Could you tell us a little about yourself? How old are you? Are you studying or working? I don’t quite understand: you have a natural mother or a stepmother (you write about this differently). Did I understand correctly that you have a stepfather? What is your relationship with your parents? How do they treat you? How do you feel about them? Do they support you? How do they feel about your successes in life, what do they tell you, do they praise you? How do they support you when you are experiencing difficulties? Do you have other relatives? Do you currently live alone or with your parents? What exactly do you not accept about yourself? In addition to what you don’t like about yourself, write down what is positive about you. What is your value? What kind of relationship do you want? What kind of man do you want next to you? What qualities should he have? What can attract you in a man? I'm waiting for your reply.
Natalya Sergeevna
I am 20 years old and I study at Tomsk State University. University. I live in a dormitory, I myself am from another city. You understood correctly, I have a stepfather and a mother. I have a very difficult relationship with them now. At first, when I first entered, my mother was my only friend. I told her everything, about my fears and difficulties, she always rejoiced with me at my achievements. She was my only support... My stepfather also helped me when I once again became hysterical about the exam. Only he could calm me down :) And it was in the first year that we all rallied and were like a family, and I even switched to using “you” for my father. After my mother began to seriously engage in her stepfather’s business, she became very callous. If suddenly I have new difficulties and fears, naturally, out of habit, I call my mother and complain, but I didn’t hear any consolation in my answer... Only screams and reproaches that I’m simply worried, that I’ll pass everything, I’ll succeed. My stepfather also didn’t try very hard to console me, but I actually didn’t expect anything from him, I understand what’s going on, that he has no time for me... And in response to my successes they now say: “no one doubted that you would succeed.” In general, I’m not very frank with my parents now. I try to speak superficially. You can't go crazy about me either. They told me positive qualities yesterday at my birthday:) they say that I am purposeful, optimistic, beautiful, and I also cook deliciously:) men say that I am a housewife, and not only them. I always take care of myself, go to the fitness club, although rarely, I also go to various salons. I also try to look at life more simply, I don’t run after fashion, pathos and generally don’t recognize it! I would like to see next to me a man who will also be purposeful, who will admire me, but not talk about it to the whole wide world, who will do, and not just talk, who would make plans for the future with me, must be tall and dense:) I would like him to be a little affectionate and romantic, but at the same time he could show who’s boss. I need a MAN, not some kind of rag... even though he’s cute. And in my opinion, there are no such people left at all... and if there are, then either I’m not their type, or they’re already busy and say “where are my 20 years”...
Natalya, good afternoon! Congratulations on your belated birthday! Most of what you wrote about your positive qualities is an assessment of you by the people around you: women and men. And I would like to hear how you find yourself. What are you like? These are the qualities you would like to see in a man: tall, thick, affectionate, romantic, admiring you. Do you really think that these qualities are enough for you to like a man? Then tell me, what role can these qualities, the first of which relate exclusively to appearance, play in relationships? What can these qualities give you, what dividends can you get from them? I cannot but agree that determination is a very good quality, and what is important here is not so much the setting of the goal itself, but the ability to achieve it. What does "rag" mean to you? What kind of man can you call a "rag"? What kind of man is a man in your opinion? I would like you to think about these questions, one of which may seem strange to you: Why do you need a man at all? What kind of relationship do you want? And what are you willing to give in this relationship?
Natalya Sergeevna
Thank you. Well, I see myself as economical, I easily make contact, I try to help and please everyone, I’m lazy, but I still do everything that needs to be done :) if there is hostility towards a specific person in the team, I talk to him through gritted teeth and this is very noticeable to others. Lately I’ve been depressed, although I try not to show it to others and try to distract myself with something else from the topic of depression itself. I constantly argue with myself, convince myself that somewhere I’m wrong, somewhere I’ve gone too far, I always try to remain silent in arguments, to swallow. Sometimes I’m hot-tempered, I can say too much, I swear when I’m angry :) and I also have 7 Fridays a week... sometimes this annoys me! but that is what it is... I tried to fight it, but so far to no avail! Of course, I haven’t told you everything about the qualities of a man. In my opinion, it is unrealistic to take everything into account at once. Appearance, height and status in society are very important to me. Appearance is important because I once overcame myself and it was given to me with great effort, so my requirements for a man’s appearance naturally increased. Status is important, because getting into TSU was not easy, especially in my department. With great difficulty I did it, I achieved this goal and with all this I remained myself! My school friends are also waiting for me and telling me that I remain just as simple and cheerful, unlike others. This is important to me! Therefore, the demand for men in this area has also increased. Of course, reasonableness in decision-making is important to me, so my man must correspond to me, and I, in turn, must correspond to him. All this is important for me, probably because I want people close and dear to me to say “they are suitable for each other,” and this really was so!!! I wouldn’t listen to their gossip about “oh how beautiful they are”, I myself would know it perfectly well and I would be in 7th heaven!!! We would not notice others, we would be passionate only about each other. By the word “rag” I mean a man who doesn’t know what he wants, who seems to have made up his mind, seems to have taken the first step and still then backs out, and then is proud of himself, proud of this step and increases his self-esteem. I need a man so that I feel that I have support, a shoulder to cry on and finally feel weak, so that I think about him and how to make our future even better, in order so that I take care of him, so that I feel not alone. .. For me, a man is an incentive in everything. When I'm in love, I'm ready to move mountains and everything works out for me! All my goals are achieved without much effort! That's why I can't live without him! I need it!
Natalya, good afternoon! I propose to summarize what you wrote. If I missed something, please add it. So, here are the qualities that characterize you: 1) Economic; 2) Sociable; 3) Inconsistent in her desires (7 Fridays a week); 4) Hot-tempered at times; 5) When showing anger, I use profanity; 6) I openly demonstrate a negative attitude towards a person towards whom I feel hostility; 7) Lazy; 8) I try to help and please everyone. There's a lot to think about here. What do you think are your dominant qualities: negative or positive? Do you think these qualities of yours can contribute to your feeling of falling in love? Point 8 deserves special attention. Do you help other people when they ask you to do so or do you take the initiative yourself? And why do you need to please others? Let's move on. Here is a list of your expectations from the man you would like to see next to you: 1) External characteristics (tall, thick build); 2) Affectionate; 3) Romantic; 4) Able to show “who’s boss”; 5) Purposeful; 6) Admiring you; 7) Must fit you; 8) Having status in society; 9) Reasonable approach to decision making. And there is something to think about here. How do you like the resulting portrait of the man you would like to see next to you? Are you satisfied with everything? The only thing I don’t understand here is why you decided that HE should correspond to you or why YOU should correspond to him. Let's start with the fact that neither HE nor YOU owe each other anything! In general, relationships that are built on the basis of obligation can hardly be called successful and harmonious. Next, imagine that you met a man who has all the qualities listed above, but with one “but” - he did not pass such serious tests as you did when entering TSU. Will you immediately reject him as a “weak link”? I noticed that you attach great importance to what others or close people say. Then please explain, if you found the one, but your loved ones did not tell you “they are suitable for each other” or are against your choice, what will you do? Also discard as an unsuitable option, as not meeting the requirements of loved ones? Regarding reasonableness in decision making: by what parameters will you judge reasonableness or unreasonableness. Can you give an example? Now to the question of whether you need a man in your life. So, you need a man: 1) In order to cry into your vest (child’s position); 2) To take care of him (the position of a parent); 3) To not feel lonely; 4) To stimulate you to “move mountains”; 5) In order for HE to simply be, because. YOU can’t live without him (by the way, what exactly can’t you do without him? And how are you coping with everything without him now?). In my opinion, some strange picture emerges, since you need a man to satisfy your needs, don’t you think? And in this case, what dividends will HE receive from his relationship with you? How do you think? And I don’t fully understand everything about the “rag”. Can you give an example when a man decided to do something, and then backed off, and at the same time he is proud of himself and increases his self-esteem? I would also be interested to know how you understand that this or that man is “not yours”? Can you give an example?
Natalya Sergeevna
Good day, Svetlana Nikolaevna. Regarding me in general, in principle, everything is correct, but I don’t show my hostility to the whole world, it is noticeable, but not that much :) I use profanity only if the situation allows it (in a decent society I would never allow myself this, even I will not allow the tone to rise). Most often, positive qualities prevail, but sometimes a wave of depression washes over me and I just can’t overcome myself for 2 days to get out of it. As for whether falling in love can arise from this, to be honest, I doubt it... It takes me a lot of effort to convince myself not to fall into depression again, to go out into the world in a good mood, and not in that which is where I actually am. There are times when you can’t overcome yourself, but this is rare. I help most often on my own initiative and of course I will not refuse help. I want to please everyone only because by doing so I make people happy. Especially if you know how important this is for a person, even the most terribly pleasant one becomes... If I meet a man with all these qualities and he has not had such trials, then it doesn’t matter. I just think that rationality in decision-making can only be achieved after a great deal of experience, after “getting the hang of it.” But if he doesn’t have this experience and, in principle, he copes with managing any affairs, then I don’t see a problem here. If my family doesn’t like my choice, then I’ll still stay with him. In any case, living with him is ME and not my family. And my friends, in any case, will be happy for me that I’m happy, but I would still like for there to be a note (white, of course). It’s a stupid desire, of course, absolutely wrong, but I would still like it. Regarding reasonableness, I can give the following example: he is the owner of a company, he does not spend all the profits on himself, but invests part of the profits in the business (and a large one), and the rest in the family, of course, so that there is enough for both. This is the most basic example. Regarding the need for a man. Now I’m coping with everything with great reluctance, with melancholy, in general it’s difficult, but I’m coping. Of course, there are times when everything is easy and simple, but most often I forget a lot, I don’t take a lot into account, because... again.... my thoughts are filled with so as not to “burst into tears out of nowhere” :) In a relationship with me, HE will receive care, affection, cleanliness, cooked breakfasts, lunches and dinners, etc. If you love, then you always try to somehow surprise, do something pleasant. .. An example about a “rag”:) he got a fairly prestigious job, then he thought “it’s too hard”, quit and then walks around proud that he worked there and what a great guy he is. However, he will not say that he worked there for literally 3 months and got the job through an acquaintance. How to describe the feeling of “not mine”? I honestly can’t imagine... Perhaps I understand this when I focus all my attention on his shortcomings, and his advantages pass by. Something like this... Just the other day I imagined for a minute “the man of my dreams” next to me and I realized that I couldn’t, that I didn’t need it now. It's like before an exam. You think it would be quicker to pass it and get a positive grade, but when the day of delivery comes, you think that it would take another 2 days. And I thought, maybe even after 2.5 years I’m still not ready to let a man come to me? Although in the summer I let him get close enough... And after this summer I became even more scared to start a new relationship... I'm afraid that they will hurt me again! This is the very fact because of which I cannot relax and behave unnaturally with men... How to deal with it?
Natalya, good afternoon! I am impressed by your openness and sincerity, you do not hide your “fads”. I also could not help but notice and appreciate the speed of your reaction when answering questions. You not only have a desire to find answers to the questions that interest you, but you also take an active part in this process, which is very valuable. In my opinion, first of all, it makes sense for you to start a journey into your inner world in order to meet your inner child and find out about what worries, excites and scares him; find your inner resources and strengths; let go of past grievances; understand your true desires; learn to accept yourself for who you are. In other words, it is important for you to bring harmony into your inner world, to restore order there in order to awaken a state of love, first of all, for yourself. Start small and see a doctor or therapist about the depression that is bothering you. Depression has one positive quality, it eventually goes away. Help it pass faster, it is in your interests. Now let's talk about your willingness to help everyone, in particular to help on your own initiative. It is important to understand your motives here. Why are you doing this? What do you expect in response? Just like any coin has two sides, so here, on the one hand, you seem to be doing a good deed, but on the other, you, perhaps without realizing it, are invading a person’s personal space and depriving him of the opportunity to make his own decisions and bear responsibility. responsibility for them. You seem to put yourself in a position of being more knowledgeable and experienced. Moreover, a person may accept your help out of politeness, but may later regret it, which in turn will create tension in your relationship. Therefore, before you do good, think about whether this good is necessary for the person for whom you are doing it? When you want to help, it makes sense to simply say “I can and am ready to help you this way and that, if you want. Think about it and if anything, contact me.” That is, you give the person the choice to make a decision himself, rather than deciding for him. Remember the movie "You Never Even Dreamed It Up." Roman's mother helped him escape from the vicious Katya. And who needed her help? Did someone ask her about this? And how did this help turn out in the end (according to the book, Roman dies)? The same goes for your desire to please. For what? What do you expect from this? What are your motives? Just to please others? Or maybe there is something else? Think about it. Regarding reasonableness in decision making, one very wise quote came to mind: “In this world there are no guarantees, there are only opportunities.” Where is the guarantee that a man will make a reasonable decision in all areas of life? Yes, he has made his mark in one matter and now knows how to act in similar situations, although again, where is the guarantee that the situation will be exactly like the previous one? None. Such bumps will accumulate throughout your life. It is impossible to inoculate rationality for life at once. You write that “if it has not passed the tests, but in principle copes with managing any affairs, then I don’t see a problem here.” And if he fails somewhere, then what? A defective comrade? Or maybe he just needs your help, where you have experience. But for some reason you didn’t write about such an option as mutual assistance and mutual support. And if we talk about what you can give a man in a relationship, you write more about the everyday part (cleanliness, cooked dinners, care, affection). What role do you think you have assigned to yourself? Moreover, in my opinion, you are not internally ready for a relationship right now. You seem to need IT, but you don’t seem to need it now. Internal contradictions are evident. As for fear, there is no point in fighting it. It is important to understand what your fear is protecting you from. In your case, it protects you from possible pain. You can work through this issue in a face-to-face consultation, where there are much more opportunities. About the rag. I already wrote to you at the beginning of the letter that you are a fairly open person, but, Natalya, you will agree that not all people are like you. And if someone does not tell the whole truth, then it would be strange to call him a “rag.” Moreover, I'm not sure that you can know the whole background of a person's story. as in the example you gave. Well, you got a job as an acquaintance, so what? Yes, he was lucky. If you were offered a job through an acquaintance, would you refuse? I think it makes sense here to reflect on tolerance and flexibility towards others, the ability to accept people as they are. Best regards, Svetlana.
Natalya Sergeevna
Good evening, Svetlana Nikolaevna. Yes, you're right. First, I need to understand myself, listen to myself, and not listen to others... And I think that I can’t do without a specialist and his professional help! Thank you for pushing me to a new stage in my life :) I decided to take this issue seriously! And Happy New Year to you, I wish you all the best and prosperity!
Many wonderful books and films have been written about love, but in real life this feeling is even more beautiful - especially when you feel it for a loved one, which reciprocates.
How to fall in love with a guy if he is already nearby and shows signs of attention? Is it possible to induce this feeling in yourself or contribute to its appearance?
What does it mean?
Love- this is a feeling that we perceive literally physically, due to changes in hormonal levels, the release of dopamine and adrenaline.
We feel a pleasant, languid feeling in our chest - where the expression that we love with our hearts comes from.
At the same time, we we experience a strong emotional upsurge, are ready to not sleep or eat for days and feel surprisingly great. And we get all this from a loved one - only he can evoke such feelings.
There can never be too much of an object of love - you always want his presence, you don’t get tired of communicating with him, in a bad moment it’s better to be with him, and in a good moment it’s simply great. He saves us from loneliness and shares with us all our joys and troubles - like a real loved one.
And a loved one also gives a feeling of peace - that will always remain with us, no matter what.
Each person has his own concept of love - some value it more explosive feelings, someone calm and confidence in another person, but all who love are one in one - all this is given to us by another person who is the only one.
I can't love anyone
It happens that a person doesn't have any feelings for anyone- even if someone is caring for him and hopes for reciprocity.
In this case, the following situation quite often happens - thinking rationally, he understands that his admirer or admirer will make a good match for him, but he cannot do one thing - experience emotions, love. Why is this happening?
How to let go of the person you love? Find out about this from ours.
Psychology and reasons
Why can't I fall in love? Reasons reasons why a person cannot experience reciprocal feelings for a partner may be the following:
- Showing feelings was not accepted in the family; the parents’ communication with the child was initially characterized by coldness and “officiality.”
- I had a negative experience of falling in love with my previous partner.
- a person has a low level and does not allow the possibility of his partner’s reciprocal feelings, as a result of which the rejection of emotions occurs.
- mistrust of people caused by humiliation or betrayal in the past.
Also, the reason for the lack of emotions may lie in the partner - lack of mutual interests, different levels of education, unassuming appearance.
How to fall in love? Tips in this video:
Can love for a person come with time?
Love - a feeling that is quite difficult to predict and control, however, there are many examples when people who were close to each other and communicated for a long time even without any hints of falling in love, discovered that this was exactly the person they had been waiting for.
How long does it take for a man or woman to fall in love?
It's quite difficult to predict- it happens that people understand that this is their partner at first sight, but there are also situations in which people fall in love with each other after years.
What to do to love a woman?
In older age, more attention is paid to reliability of a partner, feeling of peace with him. However, no one has canceled the feeling of falling in love among adults.
Organize holidays for each other - take a break from work together, get a charge of good emotions, and then give her a little care - this will in any case find a response in her, give an impetus to her taking care of you.
Let her take care of you and feel how pleasant and calm it is to be around someone who pays attention to you.
How to be loved?
In order to love a person, you need to good to know.
Take an interest in his hobbies - he will tell you a lot of interesting things about his favorite hobby.
This will be the first step towards more learn about him as a person.
Meet him halfway - as a man, he must take the first steps to ensure that your relationship strengthens and develops. If he is shy, hint that you would like more, encourage him.
Don't be shy giving a man a little more attention - all men appreciate it. Tell him more about yourself, hear his stories in return - frankness brings people together.
Remember your youth and have fun with him on a weekend.
Strive to diversify your life while remaining alone - and soon you will feel that in his absence you will already be missing something.
Is it possible to return feelings to my husband?
You can be near each other almost 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and this gives you certain cards in hand.
Try as much as possible diversify your life.
Arrange role-playing games in bed, romantic evenings, outings into nature - everything that will resonate in your feminine heart. Give him compliments and push him to do great things - perhaps you will see a much better side of him that you did not know before.
Be honest with him - you can even ask him to tell you in detail about all his exes - perhaps this will make you jealous and understand that he should only be yours.
Don't be afraid of emotions - feel them while being together.
How to love your own husband? Psychologist's advice:
Do you need to force yourself?
If you are trying to love someone - don't force yourself, don't force your feelings- everything should happen in accordance with your inner consent. Trust the wise proverb - you won’t be nice by force.
