Name: Natalia
Question text: I would like some advice. My husband and I are doing great. We live in another city separately from my husband’s family. I have been living in an Arab country for 11 years, but I myself am a Christian. It's about my husband's younger brother. He often comes to visit us. At the same time, he considers us and himself one family and can make complaints to me about the prepared dishes that were not tasty, and he always opens our closet with clothes and takes from there, without asking, whatever he wants. Moreover, he always stays alone with me at home and then complains to my husband that I treat him badly, do not joke with him and do not smile at him. This behavior has recently become very annoying to me, and at one point I told my husband everything and demanded that his brother never be alone with me again and not demand anything from me since he is essentially no one to me at all. My husband was offended by me and said that it was my girlfriend who taught me to do this and that she supposedly wanted to ruin my life. He added that his brother and he are one and the same and that my brother would never do anything bad to me. To top it all off, my husband did not communicate with me for 3 weeks after this conversation and we did not have sex. On his brother’s next visit, I locked the wardrobe and my brother couldn’t open it, as a result of which my husband yelled at me and didn’t talk to me for 5 weeks. And he said that if I don’t love his brothers and sisters, then he doesn’t need me. When we come to visit his relatives, his brother demands that I clean their house and prepare food. Here, it is not customary for guests to clean the hosts’ house or do anything at all. And he himself never does anything with us. At first I helped them at home and washed the floors, but then I stopped because my husband’s parents had already died and there were 6 adults living there who were able to wash their own things, cook food and clean the house. that is, my husband’s brother believes that I, as part of their family, should assign some of their responsibilities to myself. But I don’t think so. I told my husband’s older sisters everything about the behavior of their brothers and how they treated me. The sisters told me that he would not come to us anymore. To top it all off, because of this behavior and my husband’s lack of understanding towards me, I stopped communicating altogether with his arrogant brother and he became disgusted with me. I just say hello to him. I told my husband’s family that I no longer want to communicate with their brother because he has lost my respect and consider him a stranger to me. She said if he wants to eat deliciously, female attention, smiles and submission, then he should get married. I want to ask for advice on whether I did the right thing. My husband is now calm about the fact that I don’t communicate with his brother. And I forgot to write. One time his brother sat down next to me and started joking with me alone and accidentally got excited. This was precisely the reason for my decision to break off communication with him. If it weren’t for my husband’s behavior, I would not have told their sisters anything and perhaps would have continued to communicate with his brother...
Answer: Wa alaikum as-salaam! You did a very correct and chaste thing. Your husband’s brother showed himself to be a monkey, one might say... And with this he undermined the authority of Islam, the authority of Muslims before your eyes. We, as Muslims, are ashamed of such brothers in faith.... And your husband, by yelling at you at the beginning, also did not do the right thing, he should have sorted out his family before yelling at you.
And Allah knows best!
The opinions of Shafi'i scholars regarding abortion agree that after conception, before the expiration of forty days, having an abortion is makruh (undesirable), and after forty days it is prohibited (haram). Hanafi scholars allow abortion up to 120 days after conception. Do not under any circumstances have an abortion after forty days after conception, this is a very great sin.
According to the madhhab of Imam al-Shafi'i (may Allah be pleased with him), masturbation (masturbation) is a sin. Anas ibn Malik reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “Whoever masturbated will rise with a pregnant hand on the Day of Judgment.”
As far as I understand from your letter, circumcision of women in your understanding is the kind of circumcision that was done in times of ignorance, that is, cutting off the clitoris - this cannot be done. In fact, after proper circumcision, a woman becomes able to enjoy an intimate relationship with her husband in a complete and perfect form. According to Islam, circumcision involves removing a small piece of skin called "hood" covering the clitoris.
According to the Shafi'i madhhab, female circumcision is obligatory. Imam an-Nawawi (may Allah be pleased with him) in the book "Mazhmu'" speaks: “Circumcision for both men and women is compulsory.” Imam an-Nawawi also says in the book “ Minhaj": “It is necessary to circumcise women with a small part of the “meat” above the vagina, and for men - the foreskin.” Baizhurmiyu said in the book “Tuhfat”: “Circumcision is an obligatory action for men and women.”
In the book "Tuhfat al-Muhtaj" Imam Ibnu-Hajar al-Haytami, as well as in other books, says: “It is obligatory to circumcise a woman by cutting off part of the “meat”, which is located at the very top of the female genitalia.”
Try to talk with your husband about intimate relationships, buy literature on this subject, put it in a visible place at home for your husband to look through and read. May Allah help you! Amine!
From a psychological point of view:
The situation is somewhat complex and multifaceted. I will try to help you understand yourself and answer the most important questions. What happened to you is very bad, and it is not your fault. Even if you consider yourself to be guilty (at least for not telling everything in time or not stopping your brother), don’t dwell on it and forgive yourself, because, by and large, you were still small then and could not appreciate all the complexity happening to you. The same applies to your curses against your grandfather and your neighbor: throw them out of your head, just as you throw out dirty and unnecessary things. Be sure that God will judge everyone, and the fact that you curse them is not good for you; rather, on the contrary, it negatively affects you, as it hardens your heart.
The most important thing for you is to let go of anger and resentment, to treat what happened in such a way that it happened in your life, you went through it, but now you have a different life with other goals. Most often, girls who have gone through what you have gone through (and I have experience working with similar and more difficult situations), feel guilty. This guilt complex makes you swallow everything negative that happens in your life as a deserved punishment. And this, in turn, may influence others to treat you without due respect. Always remember that those around you will treat you the way you feel internally, because unbeknownst to yourself, you are sending them certain signals, information about how they can treat you, what you will tolerate and what you won’t. It is for this reason that you need to stop blaming yourself for the fact that they acted badly towards you. Naturally, the scope of our communication limits my understanding of what is happening, but nevertheless, there are symptoms common to all victims of violence.
Another, no less important component is your fixation on what your brother did to you. Here the situation is somewhat more complicated for the reason that fear of the brother, anger at him, and love for him (as a brother) are mixed into one whole. He awakened in you those needs that should have been dormant. The problem is that the simultaneous experience of fear, shame and pleasure has led to the fact that you currently feel unsatisfied in bed. This is where this need for masturbation came from. I cannot give an opinion on whether what you are doing is sinful or not, because, firstly, I am not competent in Sharia issues, and secondly, the situation is ambiguous and requires an individual approach. IN in this case you have to act on the principle of “choose the lesser of two evils” and decide what will be more harmful for you: continue to masturbate in order to relieve internal tension and bring yourself back to normal, thereby abandoning sinful intentions, or abandon it, since it brings harm to your psychological well-being. The negative thing about this can be, and this is very important, that while masturbating, you involuntarily remember what your brother did to you, and this can cause bad fantasies in this regard, causing feelings of guilt to accumulate. In addition, by masturbating, you accustom your body to this form of receiving satisfaction, which minimizes the possibility of achieving satisfaction in your relationship with your husband. The best option It will be important for you to learn to find satisfaction in your relationship with your husband. It is also possible that female circumcision may benefit you, since it increases the level of sensitivity of the genitals, and therefore reduces the physical costs on the part of your husband so that you can achieve what you want. In addition, you need to try to be more relaxed in your relationship with your husband and guide him. You must somehow communicate to him that some of his actions bring you greater satisfaction. This is especially true because it is extremely important for men to feel skilled, skilled and knowledgeable in intimate relationships. You can play on this, namely through messages about the greatest satisfaction you will stimulate him to even more active actions, encouraging him to be more relaxed.
As for wearing a hijab, here too you can achieve what you want by walking slowly but confidently. It is possible that your husband has his own complexes about what his wife looks like. So, if you gradually dress according to Shariah norms, while paying attention to the general style, then it is likely that your husband will accept your new look.
Now let’s talk about what forgiveness means to you. You must internally believe that Allah will forgive you if you sincerely repent. Of course, sincere repentance presupposes correction and non-return to past sins. Think that the Almighty loves you, and that what happened to you in childhood has some deep meaning, which we are not always able to understand correctly. Unfortunately, I cannot help you much because the format of our communication has serious limitations in solving this kind of problem. I really hope that I could help you. Peace and prosperity to you!
Gadzhimurad Omargadzhiev
theologian
Aliaskhab Anatolyevich Murzaev
Psychologist-consultant at the Center for Social Assistance to Family and Children
I'm 15. My cousin The weather is bothering me. But that's not even the point. I can somehow protect myself from him. I'm afraid of something else. In general, I have a boyfriend and everything seems to be fine with him. But as soon as it comes to various hugs and kisses, I start getting hysterical and sobbing. I immediately remember my brother harassing me. I feel really bad, I feel like a whore. Will I now always cry and remember my brother when it comes to this? I just feel bad when a guy starts kissing. I'm afraid that I will never build a family, because in my husband's place I will always imagine my brother. Help me please. I want to commit suicide.
Support the site:
Vera, age: 15 / 08/08/2015
Responses:
Verochka, did you tell your parents about your brother’s harassment? If not yet, be sure to share with them and look for a way out together. Suicide is not your option, when you talk to your parents, ask them to take you to a psychologist, talk through all your fears and over time you will be cured and subsequently you will be able to create a happy and strong family. You are not a whore, you are not guilty of anything, but you shouldn’t remain silent about it, tell your parents about it today and drive away thoughts of suicide.
Divergent, age: 22 / 08/08/2015
Good afternoon Vera, see a psychologist. We need to break these fears in the bud before they develop into real phobias. Protect yourself, as far as possible, from communicating with your cousin, do not be alone with him, threaten that you will tell adults about the harassment.
Irina, age: 27 / 08/08/2015
Verochka, I don’t know what you will do, but I would tell my parents and see a psychologist. Problems need to be solved, there is no need to be afraid of it. You are now trying to turn your back on the problem and escape from it through death, but it is enough to turn your face to it and simply solve it, and the problem will evaporate. You will learn to protect yourself and your interests. You are right and your parents will take your side. For fear of publicity, we often keep silent about things that destroy our psyche. You just need to say loudly: “I won’t allow this anymore!” Don't be afraid of anything and take care of yourself.
Elizaveta, age: 29 / 08/08/2015
Vera, you don’t have to do anything bad to yourself. Under no circumstances should you allow your brother to touch you, not even with his finger. You should forget that he harassed you gradually, that is, start to treat it calmly. When you forget this, you will not have offensive thoughts to yourself. Be sure to inform your parents about this, let them punish him so that he is afraid to do such things . After you forget this story and feel calmer about it, your relationship with the guy will improve. I also advise you to talk to a good and competent psychologist, he will help you quickly forget this sad story and improve your relationship with the guy.
Kinsherg, age: 30 / 08/08/2015
Maria_A, age: 53 / 08/09/2015
Faith! Please, don't think about suicide! You are not to blame for anything! Moreover, you should not slander yourself that you are a whore! Since you wrote here, it means you have the strength to fight. For your sake, for your parents' sake, don't let this person ruin your life. Listen to the people who write here, contact your parents, they will understand! They won't judge you, don't be afraid! If you don’t have a very trusting relationship, or you’re not ready to tell them everything yet, then at least try to approach a school psychologist or a teacher you trust! After all, there are helplines. Just don’t withdraw into yourself and engage in self-criticism, drive away bad thoughts! Together with your parents and a psychologist, you can get rid of this nightmare! May everything be fine with you!
My brother is 15 years old, I am 13. This started a long time ago. About half a year ago, when my mother once again left for work in Finland, my brother came early in the morning and lifted the blanket, when I woke up, he left in a hurry and said that he just wanted to wake me up. I didn’t pay attention, but then he came again and again, I asked him not to wake me up, and then he came up with some excuses, supposedly he wanted to ask me something, but he couldn’t wake me up. (In fact, it’s easy to wake me up, just tug a little on my shoulder and say my name in a whisper). When his mother arrived, he stopped because I'm in the same room with my mom. I told her about it and she talked to him, but he didn’t confess and she believes that my brother was just waking me up. Then she left again and everything happened again. Only now he also came at night. And then he told me “We have a lot of disagreements, but let’s decide everything ourselves without telling our parents, okay?” I answered I don’t know, I immediately understood what he was up to. I already threatened him that I would tell all his friends and his mother. She also tried in a good way: she said that I was not pleased and that he should stop, but he insisted on his insistence that he supposedly didn’t do this. And not convincing...
And recently his mother left for Finland again and his mind was simply blown away. Now I am writing this at 6 am. 2 hours ago I woke up to the fact that he was touching my leg, close, ahem... My hands are shaking writing this. I woke up, told him to stop, that I was disgusted, and he immediately quickly started the topic: “Aren’t you hot? I just want to open your window, is that okay?” I allowed it, but then I said stop pretending, I know what you did. And he replied, “You’re paranoid,” and left in a hurry. And then he came and said, “You think I’m watching you... I can show you mine if you want.” I was shocked and said that I’m not interested in such things, and then I just couldn’t sleep with someone who (by the way I forgot to say) is watching me at the door. I saw him 4-5 times under surveillance and when my friend spent the night with me, he still did it... By the way, 3-4 days ago he came again at night and started pulling off the blanket, and then I got angry and said that he was sick, and then he begged me for 2 hours not to tell my mother and did not let me sleep. And he asked what he could do so that I wouldn’t tell him, but I was silent and said that I wouldn’t pester him. And he said, “Well, I have quirks, but there’s nothing wrong with that.” Well, I said that if he stops, then I won’t tell, but he did it anyway. I haven’t slept for the second night because of this, I’ll soon go bald from fear. I can’t wait for my mother to arrive. We can’t put a lock on the door, our door doesn’t lock, you can only close it. When I told my grandmother (she lives with us), she immediately started spending the night in my room, but I couldn’t sleep because... snoring was disturbing. And mom said that better for grandma don't talk about it. There is no dad. I’m very scared and I really want to sleep, it’s already dawn, and I haven’t slept for the second night, and school is coming soon.. I want to die.
Consultation
Hello, I really need your advice and moral support. The fact is that my younger brother and I have always had a very close and trusting relationship - well, like two brothers, no more, no less. Of course, he understood that I was a girl, that older sister , but somehow all this was forgotten when he and I started fooling around, disobeying our parents and calling each other “bro”... I must say that I’m the eldest child in the family, so I’m very independent and “free-thinking”, a rebel . My aunt says that my life has been a struggle since birth. For example, at a tender age I ate semolina porridge only with pickled cucumber)) But I digress. It so happened that I am the only one who brings all the innovations into our very conservative family, and my brother respects me very much for this and tries to follow my example. So he has serious tension with his parents now. But he is by nature gentle and vulnerable, cries over every little thing... Perhaps this will be important. And he is now experiencing such an age as growing up. I know this because he tells me almost everything. Well, everything that is very important to him is what he needs support with. He admitted to me that his genitals began to show activity. In short, “I’m sitting at a lecture, I have an erection,” forgive the vulgarity)) Teenage hormones in all their glory. I should add that everyone in our family experiences early adulthood - I have had periods since I was 8 years old. We talked about this very tactfully, I explained that if suddenly problems arise during a lesson, then you can hide behind a book and ask to leave, that it’s normal to feel excited when you like something, that this is how all teenagers experience it, and that history It’s better to clear the browser)) We understood each other, and there were no problems until recently. I will add that my grandmother lives with us, and she is a little inadequate, we often conflict with her because of this. For example, she can easily start changing clothes in front of us, in front of her brother. She says she doesn't think he's a boy. He also can’t talk to his parents about this topic, and even though I’ve read a bunch of articles about boys growing up, I’m still a girl: (So, for some time now he began to show interest in me like a boy - rubbing, trying to kiss wet," he says that he has an erection. I pretend to be a fool, I say that he knows how to relieve tension, I joke, I leave in English... BUT! This is not normal, I know, and I need advice, please, this is too much difficult for me!! I lost my virginity while trying to deal with growing up on my own, because my parents only said “Eww” and “We’ll talk later,” so I had a “surprise” :/ I was 12, by the way. I mean, I want my brother to grow up normally, and our relationship doesn’t deteriorate... So please tell me WHAT TO DO? ?? Thanks in advance.
