Our record holders for inappropriate questions and advice are taxi drivers. They are experts on literally everything - from presidential politics to hungry African children. And when it comes to you personally, they are especially perspicacious: by asking a couple of questions, they will immediately determine what you lack for happiness. In every situation they have a story from personal experience. It is generally better not to contact taxi drivers, to remain silent or answer in monosyllables, and to shift the topic to dug up roads and the shortage of medical masks. But here everything is not so difficult: after a couple of blocks you will leave your annoying interlocutor.
It is much more difficult when an uninvited psychologist acts close person. It is difficult to adequately respond to your own grandmother, who only wants the best, and not offend her. And it is necessary to maintain warm and trusting relationships in the family at all costs. So what to do? How to answer questions if you feel uncomfortable even just hearing them? We asked psychologist Evgenia Khokhlatova to help us find answers to the most common awkward questions that every girl hears from her relatives.
When will you get married?
“Next year for sure.” The proximity of the date will reassure the relatives, and next year you can throw up your hands and say: “There is no one to marry yet! But next year - for sure!”
Are you pregnant? Why then do you have a fever, cough, diarrhea, red eyes and an abscess on your heel? Definitely pregnant!
Usually such questions are asked with annoying regularity, so you need to learn to simply not react and answer as calmly as possible: “No, I’m not pregnant.” Moreover, you need to deny it, even if in fact you are pregnant. Because you wouldn’t want your mother to find out about your upcoming grandson in the context of your cough and ulcers?
When will we have grandchildren?
This question is very sensitive, but, unfortunately, most relatives have no idea what pain they can cause by asking it. In any case, it is better to answer: “It doesn’t work out yet.” And it doesn’t matter what you mean - physical, psychological or financial aspects of the matter.
When to give birth?
This question sometimes causes us a lot of discomfort. Even if we know the exact date of birth, we don’t always want even our closest relatives to know it. Therefore, it is best to answer this question vaguely: “I don’t know the date, the doctors say closer to the end of the month.”
When for the second, third, girl?
"As it turns out." Who can name the exact dates? Nobody. Everything is the will of the Almighty.
Why do you need a dog, a cat, hamsters, you can’t give birth to a child?
Here you can add rigidity. What is the hello is the answer, as they say. “A dog, cat and hamsters can be left at home alone, fed with dry food and locked on the balcony at night so as not to disturb their sleep. But a child is too much responsibility for me.” Well, if you fundamentally cannot offend the questioner, it is better to answer: “I train on dogs, cats, and hamsters to be responsible and take care of little cute creatures.”
How is your ex-husband doing?
The situation here is twofold. If you and your husband separated amicably and your relatives treat him normally, then this issue should not cause you negativity. But if your husband betrayed you, abandoned you, went to someone else and does not pay alimony, then it is better to reassure your relatives with the answer: “I don’t know. I hope it’s bad.” Because even if you sincerely wish him well and tell your family about it, a long noisy argument with explanations will begin, and this is exactly what we are trying to avoid.
When will you find a normal job?
Sometimes it is difficult to understand what loved ones mean by “normal” work. Perhaps this is something worth finding out from them. But if you still consider your job normal and the salary suits you, it is better to explain this to your family once and for all. But if you do occasional freelance work, it’s really hard to call the work normal. “I send out my resume every day, apparently, my place in a cool company is still being prepared for me” - something like this answer should satisfy relatives. At least the first three times.
What's your salary?
This is difficult. Until you voice specific numbers, they are unlikely to leave you behind. And some people may not like any numbers - either too few or too many. Therefore, it is better to give an answer with the maximum range: “It varies, from 100 to 200 thousand tenge. It doesn’t vary from month to month.” It is even more difficult when they are interested in the husband’s income. Here you are walking on the edge of a knife, risking the wrath of both your relatives and your husband. It’s better to answer: “I don’t know, but we have enough.”
What did you spend all the money on?! You are living beyond your means!
This question arises in two cases: if your parents help you financially or are aware of all your expenses. It’s better, of course, if you don’t know and don’t help. In any case, the answer is: “I read books about family budgets and try to plan expenses correctly. But it doesn’t always work.”
Why do you need a robot vacuum cleaner and a dishwasher?! Aren't you ashamed to hire a housekeeper and give her your money? We used to do everything ourselves, and nothing, we managed everything and didn’t complain.
“I work a lot and I need normal rest. I’d rather work extra time and pay for cleaning than earn little and do everything myself. Now is a different time and it’s a sin not to take advantage of new technologies and the services of professionals.”
Why did you ruin the skin?(About piercings, tattoos, permanent makeup)
Our relatives over 50 years old cannot and do not want to accept that “my body is my business,” and this phrase can greatly anger them. A very large number of young people hide tattoos and piercings if they are not done in visible places. But if your relatives were dumbfounded when they saw the “prisoner’s portak” and “rings like a bull,” it’s better to repent and blame everything on your youth and immaturity. “When I grow up, I’ll do it, don’t worry. Nowadays they can remove anything with a laser. But for now I like it that way.”
Why don't you keep your mouth shut?
We must understand that fasting is not a diet. And answer with the most serious face: “I’m not ready yet. We need to prepare for this mentally and not in one year.” It is possible that you will still have to listen once again to the longest moral lectures in your life - just accept it.
How many times do we say and hear this phrase from others: "Don't meddle in my personal life!""Come to me, Glafira,
I suffered alone.
Bring me a piece of cheese
We'll eat it together."
Concept privacy(privacy, English - solitude, the sphere of private life to which access to outsiders is denied) has become a barrier, demarcating, separating and alienating. I am not a fan of mixing everything, but here, it seems, lie the roots of a sociological tree (analogous to a geneological one), a tree whose branches are becoming shorter and shorter, and whose foliage has long ceased to enrich the space with oxygen. This is important and needs to be sorted out.
People disconnect because it's fashionable. This complex of an unbalanced teenager who believes that life is only for him and for him, and everyone else does not understand anything and, in general, just went out for a walk.
Remember the film “For Family Reasons”, there, too, everyone sought their own truth, everyone considered themselves offended by their own loved ones, and stubbornly did not want to admit their tyranny. Life unites everyone, and death too, but it is better while still alive to understand the issues of self-esteem - your need and independence. Because, as the song says:
By distancing loved ones, not letting them into the space of our personal lives, we deprive them of the opportunity to live our lives with us, sympathize, empathize, and participate in the events that happen to us. We all imagine idle tongues, splenti, the collapse of plans, hopes and who knows what horrors... horrors)) And the fact that old parents have nothing else to live for except us, their children and grandchildren? And the fact that the question “how are you, friend?” Do we wave our friend away with a blurry “fine”? After all, our loved ones express their desire to be closer, to be with us. It happens subconsciously at times, but still it is the most significant, the most intimate thing that exists for them. Their life accounts with successes and achievements are not addressed to you, they need you as an essential part of their own world, you are the composition of the air they breathe, you are the density of the foundations that support them, you are family, friends, children, husbands and wives are the essence of their existence. And this, which has already become habitual, brushing aside the participation of relatives, removing oneself from the care of loved ones, ultimately develops isolation complexes in a person: it seems that he lives among people, but he is no one’s and no one’s. This is probably how the weed sprouts, turning the once well-groomed field wild and unpleasant."It's better to be full than hungry
It's better to live in peace than in anger
It's better to be needed than to be free
I know this from myself!”
Recently, in a conversation at work, I came up with one phrase: “a photographer without self-esteem is like a man without balls.” Self-esteem is the point of the points. But in the profession, self-esteem is needed to separate the wheat from the chaff, but in everyday life, in life, everything is different. Or has a person become so secretive, or has his little world become so significant that now this person, for the sake of his personal, is ready to sacrifice the big one? Another wife, even hearing the same joke for the thousandth time, forces herself to smile at her husband, because together they are one whole, they are connected by the commonality of their lives, and not by trifles of momentary significance in front of each other.
In a word, do not waste your time on trifles and do not waste your loved ones.
"... Come to me, Glafira,
Inadvertently, by chance
Bring me a piece of cheese
After all, what would tea be without cheese?
You are two pieces of sausage,
And I'll find some butter.
Nowadays alone
You won't survive, keep in mind..."
The status “people pry unashamedly into other people’s lives” is, of course, not about something positive. However, they will help to reflect the real side of life.
Some have completely lost their human appearance
- Hey girl, you don't fit into my general picture of the world, so please go somewhere far away!
- As soon as one *time* disappears from your life, it immediately becomes wonderful!
- Have bad people being surrounded is as bad as having bad habits.
- If something always goes wrong in your life, believe me, I definitely have nothing to do with it.
- I live the way I want, and I don’t care about anything else!
- I will still emerge victorious. You know, I’m not at all used to losing.
- The biggest misconception is to always do everything right.
- I don’t live in the past, I immediately forget the insult. Therefore, all your phrases will not bring me any harm.
- Time will pass and everything will be forgotten. Only the result will be visible. Believe me.
- I don't need you, so you can go all fours!
- You know, I loved even your flaws. And you did this like this:(.
- I don't care about my shortcomings. I'll be happy with them too: D.
- I won't say that I'm not like everyone else. The same, but much better))).
- I don't need excessive modesty. I'll just ask you to shut your mouths if I have to!
- You ruined everything yourself. This meant that you no longer needed me. I don't want to invent something unnecessary for myself.
- Tomorrow may not come. And you throw around such words!
- When I feel bad, I usually sit alone, and when I feel good, all my friends stick around. Question: why do I need them at all?
- Only time will tell who was a true friend and who just wanted to get to know you better.
- You are not a friend at all, you are just a crack. From which gossip comes.
- If you start pleasing people just to get them to love you, there won't be enough time.
- Just because I can laugh at myself doesn’t mean you should laugh at me too...
- There are never too many friends. And more often than not, they don’t exist at all.
- People who know how best to live my life! Do you really have nothing better to do?
- If you suddenly decide to go on a diet, the worst thing is to make excuses to those who knew about this very diet...
- Dear, I know who a real woman is and who a real man, I know too.
- Sometimes random passers-by are much kinder and more merciful than the best, it would seem, friends.
Stop “interpreting” my actions. It's time to come to terms with the fact that I'm just living for myself
Everyone claims that they don't want to know anything about someone else's life. Nevertheless, everyone follows each other on social networks: the status is about people, those who get involved in life.
- There is no need to compare me with anyone. And there is no need to interfere in my life at all.
- He is mine, period. And I don't care what your opinion is.
- There is only one life, and I am not going to waste it trying to please all of you.
- It’s so cool to realize that you live for yourself and are not trying to please anyone.
- Or maybe I don’t want to earn millions, I don’t want to achieve the most handsome guy, and I don’t even want to lose weight either!
- I'm real, you know? I will never remain silent if something really worries me!
- If you think that I want to please you, then you are very, very mistaken!
- I don't believe in luck, I don't gossip, I don't smile falsely. Only you losers do that.
- Your problem is that you speak when no one asks you!
- You need to look at things soberly. And if you are a poop person, then you don’t have to blame someone else for it.
- I will only tolerate whims if I have a child. But I won’t tolerate them from guys or girlfriends.
- Take your eyes off your smartphones and understand: life exists regardless of likes on Instagram.
- Don’t let it bother you what I wear, what time I come home, or who I love...
- You know, I don’t listen to your advice for one simple reason: I don’t want to be like you!
- Your gossip, of course, is all entertaining, but there is a very big difference between reality and your imagination.
- You would be better off going to a book and reading something instead of understanding my personal life...
- In order to have a lot of money, you don’t need much intelligence. But self-confidence - yes, it is necessary.
- You are all ordinary people to me. I don’t want to spoil my opinion of you, that’s why I don’t listen to what you say!
- There is so much gossip about me that it’s no longer interesting to listen to them...
It's a pity that there are no instructions for life
Statuses “please don’t meddle in my life” - if you have no choice but to express your indignation. Remember that this can always be done beautifully!
- Happiness can only be your own. And you don’t even need to look at someone else’s!
- I am friends with whoever I want. Finally I realized it!!!
- You can think whatever you want about me. As long as it doesn't bother me, of course...
- The difference between you and me is that I don't pay attention to a person's past. His present is more important to me.
- Understanding your life is much easier. But to start acting in your own - this is more difficult!
- Instead of telling gossip about me, you would go and get a job for me. They could even find a normal guy: D.
- I really achieved everything honestly. And I don't care whether you believe it or not.
- It’s rare that someone can sincerely admire, help, say “thank you.” But those people who do this, know: you are the best.
- I would like this world to be a better place, but I just feel like killing all those who say even one bad word about me: D.
- Most best advice which I have ever heard: forget all the advice and live as you need.
- Have the courage to make a choice. And he didn’t even try to please anyone!
- Hey, you, yes, you, what are you telling everyone about me? You know my number, call and tell me personally.
- I advise everyone who says that I am somehow different to just knock their heads against the wall a little. You can do a lot!
- You can't know how I'll get better simply because you've never been me.
- Don't forget that while you are discussing me, your husband, your children and your life also need attention.
- Thank you, of course, for such attention to my person, but I’ll figure it out somehow without you.
- Remember, you also need to pay attention to your life. And not just spy on someone else.
- Why do you think that I will allow myself to be given advice? I don’t even let my mother get that close to me.
- I’ll sort out my problems, don’t worry about the main thing. Don't worry too much.
- I understand that my life is quite interesting. Just don’t come up with extra stories for it.
- People often tell me, “behave this way or that way, and what will people think?” So I’ll tell you that I don’t care. What will they think?
- I just don't see the point in what you're saying. That's why I'm not too worried about it.
- Hmmm. I would be sorry to spend so much time discussing someone. Even if it’s for yourself: D.
- Please, I ask you, make your life at least a little more interesting. Maybe at least then you’ll stop interfering with mine!
- It's not that bad. So many people envy me!
- I'm not ready to just blame myself for anything. Moreover, in what you came up with for yourself.
- I'm not going to prove anything to you. And not because you are wrong and I am right, but because I simply don’t need it.
“Don’t meddle in my life” statuses will help get rid of ill-wishers on social networks.
Human in the best possible way feels in this world when his innate properties were correctly developed in childhood, and also when in adulthood these properties are fully realized. In case of incorrect development or lack of implementation, the same properties appear with a minus sign. Without awareness of their properties and desires, this is impossible to do, because the desire to be good for everyone, even to the detriment of their own realization and life, will still return them to a situation where their personal boundaries will be violated...
You are deeply outraged by immodest questions: “Why are you still not married (unmarried)?” or “Did you already have something with him? Did you kiss?" Or authoritative advice spoils the mood: “You’re already thirty - it’s time to think about children!”
Well, who cares? This is my personal life!
Or you always have to do something that you never intended to do. Instead of quietly cleaning the house on the weekend, you have to either ski or “have fun” at a party. And you can’t refuse, it’s inconvenient for you!
What to do if people constantly invade your privacy, disrupt your plans and even manipulate? There is only one thing left - to learn to defend and defend personal boundaries. But how? At Yuri Burlan’s training “System-vector psychology,” students begin to clearly understand how to do this. When they really need to be protected, and when too vigilantly guarded personal space makes our life joyless and lonely.
Right to privacy
Borders really need to be protected. For example, when they ask tactless questions about their personal life or, even more so, about intimate relationships. Under no circumstances should you fall for these provocations. Intimate life between lovers or spouses really concerns only the two of them and should not be the property of others. Even if it's a close friend or mother.
After all, by letting a third person into the relationship between two, we lose intimacy and trust in the couple. And when we spill our emotions with a friend or parents, we take them away from the person for whom they were intended and who caused them, and we cannot build a strong emotional connection that binds a couple for many years.
People are too soft
Why is it easy for some people to stop an insolent person unceremoniously invading their personal space, to answer “no” to an uncomfortable request, or, in extreme cases, to laugh it off, while for others, despite all their attempts, nothing works out?
All people are different, but the most vulnerable in terms of personal boundaries are most often people with anal-visual ligament vectors. It is difficult for them to refuse another person, to insist on their opinion, so they easily succumb to various manipulations. They are the ones who often receive advice from psychologists about the need to build personal boundaries, protect their personal space and learn to say “no.”
A person feels best in this world when his innate properties were correctly developed in childhood, and also when these properties are fully realized in adulthood. In case of incorrect development or lack of implementation, the same properties appear with a minus sign. People with anal-visual ligament vectors in this case are easily influenced and often behave as shy and unsure of themselves.
For example, all cultured people know that they need to share. But what to do when they come to you at any time and behave like they are at home? These kind and gentle people cannot refuse, and then they suffer and worry. It seems that they really need to set a boundary: “when am I kind and when am I not.” But how to do this?
Without awareness of their properties and desires, this is impossible to do, because the desire to be, even to the detriment of their own realization and life, will still return them to a situation where their personal boundaries will be violated.
Stop: personal boundaries!
Owners of vectors are especially sensitive to violation of personal boundaries. The first are individualists by nature. It was they who came up with the protection of private property and personal space, because these are their values. They perceive violation of personal boundaries very painfully and are excellent at protecting them. It is easiest for them to refuse another person if this does not coincide with their understanding of benefit.
The latter are also extremely sensitive to invasions of personal space, but for different reasons. The sound artist loves to think, to concentrate thoughts. It gives him pleasure. And for this he needs silence and solitude. It is ideal when the sound engineer has his own room in the house, his own personal space, where others should not invade without permission.
The sound guy also doesn’t like advice about when he should get married and have children and, in general, be like everyone else, because he feels like a unique person, far from everyday problems. The desire of those around him to direct him into the mainstream of everyday life with its work-family cycle is regarded as pressure, as an attempt to interfere in his personal life.
To feel the desire for this, the sound artist must realize his desires to know himself and other people. Then he will not need to be forced to live a “normal” life - he will want it himself. Filling sound desires awakens interest in life in all its manifestations.
How to protect yourself from invasion of personal space and obsessive curiosity?
First you need to know your weak points, and also at the very early stages learn to monitor attempts to manipulate and violate your boundaries. Students of the “System-Vector Psychology” training, in addition to understanding themselves, acquire the ability to recognize the properties and intentions of other people. This allows you to avoid any manipulation.
For example, do not make concessions when another person, even if it is a close one, throws tantrums or uses emotional blackmail. An understanding arises of what to do in each such situation, how to remain calm, and even how to help the blackmailer himself without harming himself. There is no feeling of guilt, and therefore no desire to somehow compensate for it and fulfill the manipulator’s conditions.
A person begins to see who should be allowed closer and who should be kept at a distance. For example, to distinguish between those same owners of the skin vector who, in certain conditions, so zealously defend their right to privacy, but they themselves really like to poke their nose into other people’s affairs and use this information for their own purposes.
Or the owner because of his ability to make you laugh, chat, relieve tension. People love oral and easily let them get too close. However, a secret told to such a person very soon ceases to be a secret, everyone will know about it, and with a million non-existent details.
"Limitless" people
Mental characteristics also play a big role in the perception and respect of other people’s personal boundaries. For example, in Western countries with a skin mentality, most people sacredly respect personal boundaries, because privacy is valuable to them. Here, even during a job interview, not everything can be asked of the candidate.
But in Russia there is no internal concept of personal boundaries. For millennia, we survived only together, in close cooperation with each other in conditions of harsh climate and unstable harvest. And during the years of Soviet power they lived in communal apartments. It happened that they fought and fought, and yet they lived together and always helped each other in difficult situations. Everyone was visible, closer to each other than relatives, and knew everything about each other - it was simply impossible to hide something.
And although times have changed and the skin phase of human development is upon us with the flourishing of the skin values of individualism and private property, mentally we have remained the same. In our country, business is built on personal relationships, and there is no shame in asking someone you barely know how they feel and how their close relatives are doing. Or “sympathize”: “Somehow you’ve been hanging out with girls for too long.”
Borders are different boundaries
Nowadays you can often hear that you need to love yourself and put personal interests above all else. And some " knowledgeable people“They even advise getting rid of feelings of guilt and a sense of responsibility - they say, this way it’s easier to maintain your personal boundaries.
This is deeply harmful advice, because it prevents the development of emotional connections between people, sincere communication, which gives the modern person the greatest pleasure. Is it possible to love a person who, in response to a call for help, says: “These are your problems”? Wouldn't he himself feel deeply lonely and therefore completely unhappy?
And in our mentality, with such an attitude towards people, we generally risk becoming outcasts. After all, we especially don’t like individualists and greedy people.
The art of setting personal boundaries where they should be and fearlessly opening up to people in other situations is being developed. This knowledge is not perceived as something that must be constantly kept in mind so as not to weaken the defense. It becomes natural, like breathing. You understand who you can trust and who you shouldn’t. It’s interesting that the desire of those around you to somehow offend you or manipulate you also goes away.
The article was written based on training materials “ System-vector psychology»
